I can…and I will (but I shouldn’t)



I read something the other day about a “performance artist” who’s next work is going to be her giving birth before an audience in a gallery. Now, obviously, fuck this woman. She’s a pretentious asshole on every level. I don’t think anyone is arguing that (especially her kid 20 years down the line when he/she is in therapy trying to figure out why he/she was raised on bean paste and wine). But whenever this kinda thing happens, if stirs up this animosity in me. The animosity towards people who think “just because I can, I should”. This line of thought is most overused in all forms of art. Because, aside from extremely wealthy people, who is more self-entitled than artists? I’d say performance artists may be the pinnacle cause, to them, everything is art. music or acting isn’t even on their radar. You could sit on a babies potty and take a dump while reading esquire magazine and call it art as long as you’re in a gallery. The “meaning” would be on the person watching my art unfold , regardless of how arbitrary whatever you just did was.
But things like performance art are not that big a deal. Literally. No one really gives a fuck about that kinda stuff out side of a few snotty germans and creepy asian people. The “because I can, I should” mantra is way prevalent in lower rungs of art. More specifically, people on reality tv shows. Perhaps the lowest of all forms of fame. Right above “acquitted child killer” but still below “morning news show host”. It’s these fuckers who feel empowered to grab their dreams by the throat and piss in the mouths of those dreams. For instance:

(thanks to phat friend reader Casey H for the clip)
Now, i don’t know who this woman is. I can see she’s on “The Real Housewives of” something but I don’t watch that shit so, to me, she’s just another old woman who was probably hot in the 80’s. But, without knowing anything about her (for all I know she’s awesome and gives millions of dollars to great charities every year) I can definitively say she didn’t need to make a rap video. I don’t even know how something like this get bought in the picture. Talk about arbitrary. A rap song? Why not a cooking show or poem about menopause? I’m sure a part of it is her handlers and her management pushing her to expand her brand. A brand, I might add, that’s based entirely on being married to someone rich and being a housewife. But, regardless of what other people are telling her she should do, she fucking did it. She agreed to this shit because she could…and she did. This woman has no business making music. Neither does Jennifer Lopez. Neither does Kobe Bryant. They have no business doing it but they do because they can.
But , to be fair, most people have no business making music. The majority of dudes sitting in their bedroom with a pro-tools set up rapping over Drake instrumentals about their lavish lifestyle aren’t much different. But the separation between them and someone like

OR

is that the average bedroom musician is just doing it for fun and it will never see the light of day. Where as anything the celebrity does will be heard by millions. That’s a real slap in the face of anyone who’s ever made a halfway decent song. Kim Kardashian could literally fart into a mike and it would be heard by more people that your favorite song from last year.

Shockingly, I don’t even think the entitlement these people have to make music is even the worst thing. It’s the books they write. Let’s be honest. ANYONE can make music. Not good music, but something that qualifies as a “song”. But to write a book…shit. Even a shitty book takes a lot of time and thought that I just feel most people do not have. Listen, I’m proof that anyone can write.I’m not particularly educated. I barely read and I consistently talk out of my ass. besides, no one reads this crap anyway. But you know who’s less suited to write a book than I am? Snooki.

Listen. I know people will buy something cause they think it will be so stupid it’s funny or cause they’re equally stupid and actually care. But a Snooki book? What the fuck could she possibly have to say about anything? unless she’s spilling the beans on a harrowing tale of how she lived in a crawl space in the attic for 10 years , while her dad routinely had sex with her and fed her only cold Chef Boy-r-Dee, it’s a guaranteed wash. Strangely, I feel like i’m falling into the trap cause the lack of things she could honestly talk about makes me curious to what she actually might write about. She got me! But, in reality, I’m sure it’s like an 80 page book with 30 pages of pictures where she tells people how to make a bee hive hairdo and how to be “A good person/guidette”. If she did , in fact, have anything to do with the writing of this book, I would be curious to see her first draft. I bet it was written via text in all emoticons.

Same goes for a Book about the life of Justin Bieber. How bout this idea…if you’re too young to vote, you don’t get to write an autobiography. 16 years on earth does not qualify you to even begin thinking about telling your tale.Your tale hasn’t even begun. But he could, so he did. And people bought it. That’s just how these things work.

There is one aspect of this that tends to backfire though. It’s when reality TV people try to become respected actors. Now, sure, when Kim Kardashian makes a song, we all hear it but no one takes it seriously. Still, she gets the youtube hits and Itunes sales so , in her mind, it went well. But when her or some dipshit from The Real World (the show, not the life you’re living in right now) decides they wants to flex their acting chops, it’s a wrap. While a few of them have made it into films in side roles, the peak for most of these guys would be hosting another Real world based show on MTV or MAYBE a commercial that plays on MTV. That’s entitled delusion at it’s finest.

The bottom line to all this is that these people are famous for wanting to be famous. They’re not talented at all and they figured just getting their face on TV would be enough. In a way, they’re right cause many of these people are millionaires (The Situation made 5 fucking million dollars last year). But what they’re incorrect about is that they will ever be anything more than just that: That person from that show. No amount of youtube hits or cameos on one tree hill will ever change that. If I could give them advice, it would be to flip the script and perhaps look into becoming performance artists. Sure, it’s way less lucrative but it gives a lot more artistic leeway for completely talentless dickheads to perhaps fool some people into respecting them. Then again, if I didn’t watch the Kardashian wedding…I’m pretty sure I’d skip the live birth too.

15 thoughts on “I can…and I will (but I shouldn’t)

    • Me thinks you didn’t read a word I wrote. Did you just watch the videos?

      This has nothing to do with sales. It’s about people who have no business creating art because they are “able” to and not because they are qualified/justified.

      • I think what ‘3by3 writing method’ was getting at is that these people SHOULD be doing these things, because it leads to sales. Who gives a fuck about quality…

      • I see what you mean (the classic “But he’s gettin’ money!” argument) and you’re certainly not wrong in the respect . But, that’s the thing. NONE of these people sell records. They get youtube hits. That’s it. And they’re laughed at like any other fleeting internet disaster.
        Sure, Snooki probably made a killing off her book. I can’t deny that. But that doesn’t mean there needs to be a snooki book.
        This is more about us living in a society where mediocre retards are allowed to do whatever they want simply because it’s an option.
        I could be a murderer if I so chose, but I don’t do it cause it’s not my place. I feel the same way about The Situation writing a novel (except he gets paid for it…).

  1. I don’t know what’s more pathetic. This lady giving birth and thinking it’s art or the idiots that watch her give birth and think it’s art. I’m assuming they pay to see this? I guess you know you got your money’s worth when she loses control of her bowels. That is some pretentious shit right there.

  2. A wise person once said:

    “Modern Art = I could do that + Yeah, but you didn’t.”

    I share your animosity completely. Moreso for the celebrity mishmash of anything mediocre and average because these people had cameras on them at some point. To ease your mind a little bit, at least “writers” like Justin Bieber, Snooki and Sarah Palin literally just sit with a biographer for a couple of sessions and then THEY write it.

    Or does that make it worse? I dunno. Let’s try not to think about it, together!

  3. I thought that small description by the situations head said “guide to creeping out chicks” and i laughed, then i realized what it actually said and got sad (what the fuck is GTL?), then i read the post, and enjoyed it, now i have to go watch a woman try and shove a plastic doll baby up her front butt as an artistic statement about the economy, and write a 13 page analysis for my art history course. Yahtzee.

    • P.s. who the fuck is chris millis and what kind of shit hand do u have to be dealt to get stuck with second billing under a turd like that.

  4. celebrity is defined as being known for being known.

    fame is defined as being known for accomplishing something.

    P.S.- you don’t actually think justin beiber, snooki, and the situation actually wrote those books, do you? Ghost writers, my dear blockhead– mediocre writers paid millions to write a novel and NEVER admit to having done it… which is actually a dope deal when you think about it.

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