Listen, I’m not really a halloween guy. I don’t really dress up and when I do it involves minimal props and clothes I already own. Last year, I went as a “scum bag”. This basically was me, with a wig on, a fake moustache , some sunglasses and a cheesy suit. It was this:
That’s about as much work as I’m willing to put into it (and that’s easily the most work I’ve ever put into a halloween costume in my life). So, for all you lazy fucks, I understand. I’m one of you.
So, with halloween coming , I figured I’d help you lazy half assed halloween people out with picking costumes that , while extremely mediocre, will technically get the job done.
This is the go too lazy costume for anyone who ever owned JNCO jeans. If, at any point you went to rave and didn’t throw the clothing out, just throw on some old JNCO’s that the moths in your closet have been fucking in for a decade, get a huge t-shirt with a stupid cartoon on it, find a silly futuristic jester hat and eat candy. Viola! You’re a raver.
2)A dead (fill in the blank)
You could be a dead version of anything.If you work in finance , you could be a “Dead Financier” simply by dressing how you normally would but making yourself paler than normal and maybe putting some fake blood on your face. Boom!
Hell, you could even be really inventive and just be a dead raver. Cause, really, everyone can appreciate that.
3)Occupy wall street person
I 100& Guarantee this will be the go-to lazy fuck costume of this year. It will literally be people dressing like they do on laundry days. Basically just dress like you’re attending a music festival in portland and make a political sign. Wham-o! Costume done.
4)90’s hip hop guy
I feel like my readership will have the easiest time with this one. Just grab those tims, those super baggy jeans you wore like 4 years ago, maybe a columbia parka? Helly Hanson even…really, whatever you wore from 95-2004. any of that will work. The fact is that normal people dressing like that ,at this point, has literally become a costume.
5)A sexy anything (for women only)
Easily the most played out costume ever but no one with a penis is ever complaining. Just put on as little as you can handle (weather appropriate) and throw some stupid cats ears or a tail on…That’s it. Really, you could walk around with your vagina splayed open and be a “Pap smear” and no one would complain. Just bring mace. This is obviously something only girls can do cause guys can’t walk around with their dicks out. It’s too cold and that person will very likely be beaten to death by a crew of angry drunk dudes in “scream” masks.
6)Just get a mask
Any mask will do. You don’t even need to coordinate with your clothes. The downside of masks are that
b)They make binge drinking a lot harder
c)It’s hard to get some of that halloween pussy if you’re covering your face.
But, on the bright side, they’re easy, you can always take them off and if you’re one of those people with a great body and a terrible face, it could work in your favor. Just don’t be bummed when the person you meet asks you to keep the mask on ala revenge of the nerds.
Also , this costume is particularly great if you are planning on committing criminal acts. Not only does it hide your identity, but when a pack of dudes in masks or walking through the train, laws seem to no longer apply to that train car. Beware.
7)Dress vaguely like a famous person
Put on a hawaiian shirt! Boom, you’re magnum P.I. and/or Tyler Durdon.
Stuff like that is especially easy if you resemble this famous person. If someone has ever told you look like Ron Pearlmen
instead of killing yourself cause they just said that, just throw on a leather vest, draw on a tattoo and , BLOWWWW, you’re one of the Sons of Anarchy
The moral of this costume is to work with what you’re given.
8)Be a fat version of something
Much like the dead person , the fat person can be achieved easily as well. You work at Foot locker? Throw a pillow in your shirt and all of a sudden, you are a “fat foot locker employee” (or a fat referee, same thing).
Better yet, if you’re already fat, just put on anything normally worn by someone skinnier and, Ba-dow, you now have a costume. You can be a fat sailor. Or a fat drummer. The world is your oyster. And Fried oysters are your shit.
9) Be an “athlete”
If you think about it, this may be the laziest of all costumes for a dude to wear. Literally putting on your gym clothes or your softball team shirt and saying “I’m a baseball player”. Just add some accessories and no one will argue. I mean, look at you! you have a baseball glove AND a sweatband around your wrist. You’re a regular Wade boggs!
This is kinda like taking the occupy wall street costume to the extreme. Just throw on like 40 pieces of clothing at once until you look like walking pile of laundry. Add “filth” and , there ya go, you are a homeless guy. As an added effect, drag around a bag of cans behind you all night. It’ll be a pain in the ass but it will also sell the costume way harder.