Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 7


I got my tongue depressor and my stethoscope. Time to get my doctor on.
Some good questions this week. As always, send me more questions (if you need advice in matters of the heart) to phatfriendblog@gmail.com
The doctor is always in…

ok you like a girl, totally digging her vibe but you have been placed
in the friend zone after a hook up between the 2 of you…
what would you do to get out the friendzone and get the girl???

The friend zone is often impenetrable. If it happens after a hook up, that usually means she’s flipped the switch and you might as well chop your dick off in her presence.
The only possible light at the tunnel would be try and play on the natural insecurity most girls have and either
A)Act like it doesn’t phase you and try to make her jealous (thought this is pretty fucking childish and more likely the type of shit a girl would do to a guy)
b)Just stop fawning over her. Be friendly and whatever but don’t treat her how you would someone you deem as a potential mate. That indifference can often be all it takes. On the downside, she might not give a fuck and you and her will end up not being friends at all. So, you know, approach with caution.

I was at the strip club the other night and one of my buddies bought me a lap dance. Awesome first sentence haha.. anywayy me and the girl went back to the private dance area she gave me a dance and what not and we talked when it was over and she ended up putting her number in my phone. On my way home from the bar that night I texted her and set up a date for a few days later. We hung out and she is actually a pretty cool chick. Im wondering what your opinion on dating a stripper is? Is there a chance she is different from most strippers? Does she have a soul? Can I bring her home and not have my roomates instantly think that I have the clap when she leaves?

Personally, 90% of the strippers I’ve ever met have been terrible people. Like truly despicable humans. So, I might be biased. But , I suppose it’s possible there are cool strippers out there.
I don’t doubt that fairly tale “hooker with the heart of gold” exists. She could very well just be a student trying to pay her loans. Or she could be a very crafty crazy person who’s gonna turn on you one night and stab your dick. You never really know?

The real problem with normal dudes dating strippers is that you gotta deal with what they do for a living. Every night, she’s giving dudes lap dances, rubbing boners, and slapping her tits around guys faces. All these things may be meaningless to her but if you’re at all a jealous or insecure type, it’s not gonna work. Beyond that, if you’re worried about how your friends (or family) might react to you dating a stripper, then I’m gonna guess it’s not a good match for you. In reality, dudes that date strippers aren’t really concerned with that kinda shit cause they’re in similar circles. They don’t have parents who put them through college who expect their son to bring home a sweet, innocent girl.
Oh, and think about this, you met her and got her number while she was working. How easy was it? isn’t that odd to you that you could just bag a stripper like that? I’m just saying. Be wary. She might be dating like 8 dudes for all you know. All the strippers I know say they wouldn’t date dudes they do dances for cause, well, they’re in a strip club. Kinda makes sense if you think about it.

So I’m kinda dating this guy, it’s uncanny how similar we are and how well we get along. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is as perfect for me as he is. I’m pretty sure he’s clinically depressed (or whatever happens to some single men after they hit 30).. He seems very jaded and is pretty pessimistic. I don’t really care ’cause I think brooding middle aged men are kind of hot in a way. I’m also pretty sure he likes me the same way that I do him, but I think he might be afraid because all of his relationships were pretty shitty and women have fucked him over really badly. So, I like him, he likes me.. Why aren’t we together? Well, he has a few other girls that he still fucks/dates and can’t get rid of because they’re emotionally attached (or so he says, and I’m paraphrasing hugely here) I’m not a jealous girl/don’t really care that he’s fucking other people ’cause we’re not together, I understand that people have baggage and what have you and maybe if I give him more time, it’ll happen eventually. He also says he’s not ready to be in a relationship (this is where I think him being depressed comes in) even though he can commit to one girl, despite the fact he says he wants a girlfriend. However, he wants me to stop seeing other people. He says it’s for safety reasons, but I know it’s because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. With what you said about having him in my back pocket, I know that I’m attached and if I date any other guys, I will always be thinking of him and I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on or anything like that because it’s just unfair. So, I’ve decided to be monogamous because of that (and because I don’t want to be with anyone else) So my question is, am I being stupid? Am I setting myself up? Could it be that he’s evil and keeping me around for his amusement and sexual satisfaction? Or is he just depressed and doesn’t know what he wants?

Yes. You are being stupid. You’re leading with your emotions and ignoring all rational thought. If he wants a girlfriend, and wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. It’s simple.
I don’t think he’s evil, I think he just likes fucking you and you two get along well enough that he sees no reason to end it.
Guys are egomaniacs about pussy. We want it all. So, if he knows he’s got you locked down and you’re still cool with him fucking other girls, why one earth would he want to change that? Like you said, he’s having his cake and eating it too.
As for his depression playing a role, I dunno. You say he’s depressed cause he’s jaded and pessimistic…But I’m jaded and pessimistic and I’m one of the genuinely happiest people I know. Those two things are being depressed, they’re being old. So, I feel like you might be saying that he’s depressed cause it gives you a glimmer of hope that his inability to commit is temporary.
The only way you get this guy to even blink is if he becomes the chaser. Make him want you. Date other dudes. Don’t give him sad doe eyes and try to make him fall in love with you. Men’s ego’s react to rejection and , often, it will make us reevaluate our stance on a girl. Basically, as long as he’s in the drivers seat, you will never be anything more than the girl he fucks once or twice a week.

Do you believe in a male biological clock? I’m 30, been in two long-term relationships over the last decade, then spent a couple years single and fucking around. Last month I started seeing a girl who I’m real keen on, and I’ve got an urge to get her pregnant straightaway. Never felt that before. It was always a very rational thing, where I’d say “if I did want kids, I’d probably adopt. blah blah.” I should also add that she’s what I would call the first “woman” I’ve been in a relationship with, as opposed to the “girls” I usually get wrapped up with. To complicate things, we’re doing a long-distance thing for the first 9 months of the relationship, which is why I’m suspicious of my impulses.

Hmm…I feel like having kids is more something dudes come to terms with. I don’t know a single guy who’s like “I can’t wait to have kids!”. Most are like “I will someday be a father and that’s okay”. Maybe you’re just finally in a relationship that you’re happy with and you see a future with the girl. That kinda thing makes sense and kids are easily an extension of that.
As for Biological clock, it’s not really a man’s problem as we can keep making babies well into our 50’s and 60’s. For us, there is no clock.

So here’s the situation, I go to school up in Boston just like a young Blockhead. I’m on the T (you know I’m talking about) one Friday afternoon and as I get closer to my stop I’m kind of playing some eye games with the girl sitting across the aisle from me. So anyway we both happen to get off at the same stop (up on the street level stops above ground) and walk in the same direction. So as we get to the corner I give her a smile and she asks me for directions, apparently she just moved up, and apparently we’re both grad students in the same field she just started and I’m a year in (different schools though..Boston has mad schools, bro.) Anyway we live close I’m just right down the street so when we get to her place she asks for my number. So she went home for the weekend but hit me up the whole time via text. The texts actually started immediately, maybe an hour or two after I gave her my number. Tonight (Sunday) she called me out of the blue and I too am one of those dudes who just does not prefer the phone call, especially with someone I just met… for 2 minutes. Well Block, my question: is this girl crazy OR are there at least signs that point to crazy? Here are the facts: she was the aggressor, i just gave her some eyes; she gave me some corny direction thing as a ploy to talk to me (a dude she had seen checking her out on a train); she hit me up immediately; she called me (at midnight) after 2 days of meeting me walking down the street. So, pretty forward right? I mean its cool and all having a girl step to me without putting in any kind of work whatsoever, but stuff like this obviously doesn’t happen too much so is there a reason for that?

I’d fuck her, but proceed with caution. Let her lead where it goes cause that way you can always hit the breaks if it gets weird without feeling like you led her on. She may be just looking for the booty call hook up…or she might me a huge whore. Whatever the case, feel it out more before you are totally scared off.
My main advice would be to just keep everything honest with her. As long as you’re clear about your intentions, she can never claim to be misled. If she wants something different than you, politely bow out. How bad could it be? She’s just some girl you met on the train. No big loss.

Song of the day 10/20/11


Time to Build (Marsalis remix) By Dark Sun Riders
http://limelinx.com/files/b8f9aaf75868d1fd8986634679d2f72c
Like Most white kids my age who were listening to hip hop in the late 80’s early 90’s, X-Clan was a confusing group. They were as pro-black as it got and, seemingly, were not very fond of us whites (Or “polar bears” as they referred to us in their songs). The problem was that they made such awesome music, it was just one of those “Grin and take it” kinda situations. Personally, it never really bothered me that much cause, you know, we kinda had it coming. By “we” , I mean white people. We were due to get shit on and who better to do that then the fantastic Brother J.

Enter the Dark Sun Riders. This was Brother J’s solo album after X-Clan stopped making records. While the production that made X-Clan was certainly missed, J still had it as a rapper. Shit, I bet he’s still dope now even.
To this day, I can’t say there’s really any rapper like him. You certainly won’t hear many people say “oh, that guy sounds like Brother J” cause no one does.
So, here’s a dope Dark Sun Riders song for you to enjoy. Even you white motherfuckers.

The porn star Questionnaire: Kristina Rose


If you’ve been reading this blog for a little while, you might have noticed that I’m a fan of porn. Like David Cross once said “I like to use it to masturbate to”.
Now, before I get into this, I want to 100% admit, this idea is a total rip off of what my Girls Desboobs and GlossyLoca did on their blog “The Boobs” a while back, In fact, it’s even the same girl. But, you know what? I’m a dude and I got a different angle on this. I also plan on doing more installments of this with other porn stars as well as people who work in other parts of the sex industry. If you’re at all like me, you find that shit fascinating. I made up these questions just to get an insight on , not only the business of porn but the girls themselves. I really asked them to be honest and not treat this like a penthouse forum letter. Thus far, they’ve obliged and have been totally awesome. (PS: if you are a porn actress or work in the sex industry and would like to fill out the questionnaire, hit me up at Phatfriendblog@gmail)

So, the first subject is the Lovely Kristina Rose. She was cool enough to take the time and answer this long ass Questionnaire and , for that, I owe her a Mcdonalds dinner (I swear, that was what she wanted).
Here’s a clip of her playing an amazingly accurate Elaine from the Seinfeld porno

Name?
Kristina Rose

Age?
27

Height?
5’1

Where you from?
100% Southern Cali Girl OC/SD/LA

About a girl:

Do you read much?
I like to read but I don’t get the chance to read as much as I’d like. My favorite is Bukowski.

Do you watch a shit load of TV? If so, what shows?
Yes! I do! I watch really bad reality TV. Bad Girls Club, Bait Car, Real Housewives of Whatever fucking city (except NJ & OC, They’re kinda boring), Jersey Shore, Maury Povich, any True Life, Toddlers and Tiaras, Wipeout, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Top Model, Project Runway, Cops, Cheaters. I watch a lot of crap.

Do you watch porn on your own time?
Mostly just for research now. Not really too much for pleasure anymore. lol.

What kind of music do you listen to mostly?
I listen to everything even the crap. I mostly like like listening to old motown stuff and old music from the 90’s. I like old music more than new music.

How often do you exercise?
Never. Just whatever exercise I get at work.

Can you do 10 man style push ups?
I don’t think so and I’m not about to get up and try either.

PERSONAL TASTE

What’s your type? (IE: Skater, tHug, rock dude, MMA fighter, Nerd, Questionably straight)
I don’t have a certain type of look I go for. I’ve dated all kinds of guys. I’m more about personality. I like cool guy. I like funny too. AND CONFIDENCE is a MUST. I can’t be fucking with insecure dudes. That’s a no go. Total turn off. Also my type must have a job, car & got some stuff going on… Not a bum. Kind of a dick (only kinda tho.. just enough to keep me interested). I am partial to artistic types and I’m super attracted to ambitious guys.

What’s good height for a dude?
I like guys that are a head taller than me at least. I’m 5’1 so almost everyone is tall to me.

You down with fat guys?
I’m not trying to bang the fattest man in the world but I’m down with guys that are thick. lol. Some of my friends call me a chubby chaser. I do usually like guys that have a mini layer of fat. Not OBESE! But I can get down with a Jonah Hill mid weight-loss, maybe even pre.

What race is your favorite? (it’s ok, no one will think you’re racist)
lol. I don’t think I have a favorite race. I think white guys have the hardest time trying to approach me tho, because every horrible exboyfriend I ever had was a white guy so I’m kinda unconsciously prejudice against white guys I think.

How important is a male’s body hair situation?
I’m kinda big on this. I hate, hate, HATE when a man is shaving all his hair off &/or doing way too much manscaping. Men are supposed to be hairy. That’s why girls like them. If I wanted to be with something smooth, soft and not hairy I would be a lesbian. Men that shave too much or are too into body hair removal are suspect. In my opinion at least.

Girls always talk about how important a guys hands are. That’s bullshit, right?
Haa, haa. I don’t think a man’s hand size has too much to do with anything. But I will admit a dude with really tiny hands is kinda creepy to me. I can’t fuck with that. IDK, I’m kinda into hands lately. I like them super big so I can really feel like a woman when they are pushing me around and holding me down. 😛

PENIS SIZE:
This is a hot topic for men. Pretty much, no matter what they say, every dude alive wants to know these answers cause we’re all obsessed with our own penis. Is it childish? fuck yeah. But trust me, this will be the most closely read part of this entire interview. PLEASE be honest.

If you had to pick, 5 inches and thick or 10 inches and thin?
There’s two different types of girls. Girls that prefer fat and girls that prefer long. I’m more concerned with length than girth. But I have girlfriends that don’t like long dicks or skinny dicks. They’d rather have it short and fat. Basically, penis’s are to women what boobs are to men. Some guys like tiny perky, some guys like big and fake or big and real. Some girls like a lot of length. Some girls would rather have it short and fat. Me, I wanna feel that shit so deep in my vag.. I wanna feel it come out my throat through my asshole. ;P


On a scale of one to ten, how much does size really matter to you?

On a scale of 1-10 on how much does size really matter to me I’d have to say: 8 1/2.
I’ve dated guys that were on the smaller/more normal side and have had good sex. BUT It’s not the same as having good sex with a guy that has a big dick. And I have a tendency to be more considerate/more respectful towards a dude on the day to day if he’s got that big giant make me cum like crazy dick. It’s just fact. I’ll take more shit from a dude if the dick is good.

Name a porn guy who’s dick is too big (if there is such a thing)
I’ve worked with a lot of big dudes. I don’t really think there is such a thing as a dick being too big. But definitely, I need to be in the right mood to take guys like Mandingo, Lexington Steel, Nacho Vidal, Manuel Ferrara. I think those are the biggest guys I’ve worked with.

Crooked dicks: A problem or something you can work with?
You can work with a crooked dick. Sometimes that will work in your favor! You could hit a spot you’ve never had hit before. Unless you curve down and your dick is really long. This seems to be the one kinda curve that most girls have trouble taking.

The BUSINESS

Do you feel like you constantly wanna smack the shit out of most of the other actresses in the business or do you find you get along with most of them?

The porn business is like high school. And Yes, there is a lot of porn bitches I’d love to slap the shit out of. Every girl in the business has her list of “oh I can’t stand that bitch”. I’m friends with some of the girls my friends can’t stand, my friends are friends with some of the girls I can’t stand and a bunch of us hate the same bitches. We’re in our twenties and we all act like we’re still in junior high. It’s all pretty comical.

Has what has gone down in scene ever led to a fist fight with another girl who you had just done that scene with?
Never a fist fight for me personally. Even though we do porn we still have to be professional. Every once and a while you’ll hear about a fight going down on set. And those bitches are usually drunk. lol. If I got a problem with a girl during a scene like if she is annoying me or whatever, I just take it out on her during the scene. lol… like smother a girls face with my ass so I don’t have to hear her dumb voice.

Who is your favorite male performer to work with?
Manuel Ferrara

I know porn actresses have lists of dudes they won’t work with. Who’s #1 on your “No fly” list?
All the guys that switch and do both gay and straight porn. Just because why would you do gay porn if you aren’t gay and if you are gay and doing straight porn why would you do that either. What does a gay man know about fucking pussy and why as a straight man would you do something you’re not into with another man?? I don’t trust someone with my body if they are going to force themselves to do something they openly admit they don’t like to do with their own body. People that do those kind of things for money are suspect and usually lead a risky lifestyle.

How often to people fart during scenes? And how do you stop laughing when that happens?
It happens from time to time. Hopefully you’re working with someone that’s cool and not such a pussy that they wont give you a heads up. If you fart and don’t give me a heads up, I will call you out and/or try to fart in your face.

How long were you working before you felt comfortable in front of the camera?
I felt pretty comfortable right away. I think by like 6 or 7 months in I had the kinks worked out and felt 100% comfortable in front of the camera.

What’s the best place to film? indoors? outdoors? on a bed? On a kitchen table? on top of a freshly killed bear (I’ve seen this video…it exists)?
I saw the bear video. It made me cry!
The best place to fuck is at a house. We always prefer a bed or a couch, but for me i don’t really care as long as there is a toilet and a shower on location. Outside sucks because they usually want us outside when it’s winter and freezing or when it’s like 10,000 degrees in the valley. That’s not fun.

Is a DP scene ever worth it? And do you secretly thing the two dudes doing it are kind of gay?
For me a DP scene is always worth it. lol. That check is FAT and really there’s not much I can do other than take it and try to fuck back. And honestly, it makes me laugh, kinda cuz all I can think about is two dudes bumping balls cuz they’re trying to poke me. lol. It’s like a cruel joke the director is playing on the male performers and I get paid more money.

GETTIN’ FUCKED UP!
We all like to get our buzz on. Well, not all of us but most of us.

What’s your drug of choice?
Marijuana!!

You a drinker? If so, like a party time drinker or one of those motherfuckers that likes wine?
I’m not really a drinker. Drinking seems to always get people in trouble. I like to stick to my ganja. But when I do drink, I like beer. One 24oz Modelo and I’m $.

PERSONAL SEX LIFE

You gotta man?
I got a friend.

Has fucking on camera made off camera sex better or worse for you?
Fucking on camera has changed the things that I’m into sexually and the way I look at sex off camera for sure. Like before porn my sexual fetishes were much different than they are now. Like I was super into role playing and and dirty talk and super cliche shit like that, etc. And those are still things that turn me on but the things that I find myself liking or needing during sex now are much different than the things that turned me on before. The things that turn me on during sex off camera now are things that kinda have nothing to do with sex at all, so much. My personal life sex is much more intense & complex than the sex I have on camera, even though my personal life sex contain less circus acts. I don’t really like to give away the things that I’m into in my personal life sex. I kind of save those kinks just for me.

Do you actually enjoy anal? Do you do it in your normal sex life? If so, how long did it take get to the point where you liked it?
I actually love anal. Unlike most porn girls, I was really into anal sex before I even started porn. Girls either love it or hate it. There’s no in between. I am one of those girls that loves it. Although I don’t give the booty up to just anyone off camera. Actually, in my personal life I’ve only given the booty up to boyfriends. I can’t let a dude do butt sex on me in my personal life unless I really like him and trust him.

Favorite position?
Any position where the man is on top of me or controlling what I do. I like to feel the weight of a dude pushing me around.

Scale of 1-10 how much do you like just laying in bed with a dude you like and making out for hours?
I can’t just make out and I usually never get to anyways. I always date guys that hate kissing. It’s like a running joke.
I do like to kiss tho, but I don’t want to do it forever. I’d much rather make out for a little bit, fuck, smoke my weed, eat a snack then take a nap while homeboy catches up on SportsCenter. I could do that in a rotation for hours!!


As for cumming, do you find you get off better from clitoral stimulation, getting fucked with a penis, a mixture of both or you’re not someone who cums much (or at all)?

I used to be much more into clitoral stimulation, but that was only because no one had ever made me cum from just fucking me. Then after this one time when this dude with a really long dick made me cum by fucking me I was done with all that! My thinking is, I can make my clit cum by myself all day everyday! But only a man can make me cum by fucking my pussy. So, now I like cumming most when it’s a penis that is making me do it because I can’t do what he can do to my pussy by myself. But even then I can’t get that kind of cum from just any old penis. My vagina is kind of a diva.

Do you do the gagging on a dick thing in your normal sex life?
I love sucking dick and I’m totally about a good old fashioned face fuck. When I really like a guy I usually wanna spend my whole entire day worshipping his cock with my mouth. I’m a rare breed.

Cum: Is it at all gross to you?
Sometimes. It depends whose it is. I’ll have fantasies about wanting to suck all the cum out of a certain dudes penis, but it’s always a certain dude’s cum. Never just any old dude’s cum.

Are you actually bi-sexual in the sense that you would date another woman?
I can never say never but I don’t know if I could be in a relationship with a woman. I like dicks too much.

Does it bug you out when you meet a fan and you just know he’s masturbated to you? or is that somehow a turn on?
I’m so jaded now. That kind of thing really doesn’t faze me.

CELEBRITY

Assuming you’re on twitter, do many celebrities ever try and fuck you via DM?
Yes they do. lol. All the time. Or they try to get ahold of me through mutual friends.

In real life, have you ever been hit on by anyone super famous? Name names?
Super famous?? IDK about all that. lol. Maybe. I think I’m gunna save this one for my book. 😉

If you could fuck one famous person, who would it be?
Tie between Mark Wahlberg or Method Man.

(actual picture posted by K.Rose on her twitter. SHE AIN’T LYIN’)

If you could kill one famous person (and get away with it) who would it be?
Tie between Mel Gibson or Gwyneth Paltrow

If you had to fuck one dude from Jersey shore, who would it be?
Vinny

Without naming names, have multiple famous married men offered you money for sex?
Famous guys that have tried to approach me are usually just tying to fuck for free. lol. Like some men think because they’re “celebrities”, us porn girls are supposed to feel lucky that they have chosen us and we’re just supposed to give it up. They forget we get paid for sex. We’re whores, not groupies.. (well, most of us).

Peep more of Kristina at her personal website:
http://kristinarosexxx-awmx.posterous.com/ (NSFW)
If you would like to be a gentleman and buy Kristina gifts, go here:
http://www.amazon.com/Kristina-Rose/wishlist/3BY1BMX3ZNNZA/ref=cm_wl_search_bin_1
She will also be performing out east very soon. Peep the gigs!
Signing for Jules Jordan Video at Exxotica NJ Nov. 4-6 & Dancing in Queens, NY at Xpertease Nov. 18 & 19

Trending topics Vol. 60: Singing show judge edition


This week Timlaska and I peer deep into the soul of america’s taste makers. The people who decide what bullshit we’re gonna have to hear on the radio for the next few years. Basically, pure evil. Yes, the people who judge on TV talent shows.
http://www.syffal.com/simon-cowell-jennifer-lopez-cee-lo-paula-abdul-randy-jackson-trending-topics

Answers for questions Vol. 56


Hi there. Another day, another dollar…or another allergy attack. This shit is relentless. Anyway, as always, I need more questions. Send me them at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Remember, we’re on volume 56 here. There’s a god chance , if you’re asking a “How’d you get started in music?” type question, it’s been answered. Weird is appreciated.
Anyway, on with the show…

how did you and your girl meet? did she know who you were before ya’ll started dating? is it better to date someone who doesn’t know you’re Blockhead or does it make a difference?

I met my girl out when I was djing and through myspace…kind of.
She used to sometimes come out to this weekly Dj gig I did with a roommate of hers. Her roommate was actually more of a fan than she was. We got to meet each other that way. nothing serious, just a little flirting. She had a boyfriend at the time anyway and I was very much in single more. Then I dj’d this halloween party that she was at and we spoke even more. After that, we started writing each other on Myspace (this was back when people still used myspace). By then, she was freshly out of a relationship so this went on for a while. It was a real gentlemanly courtship (something I’ve never done before). We went on little dates for a while and everything. Seriously…that’s some shit I NEVER did prior to her. And the rest is history…It’s been almost 4 years now.
To answer the other questions- She did know who I was but, contrary to what she may say, I’m pretty sure she just thought my music was okay. She heard it mostly when listening to her roommate have sex to it. Ha!
As for if it’s better to know my music or not…I don’t think I could date a groupie. Not a groupie in the sense of someone who fucks cause I’m me, but someone who is a huge fan of my music. Simply because it would fuck up the balance of equality on the relationship. That’s a weird kind of admiration for a person to have for their boyfriend. Ideally, you want someone who likes the music and is supportive but, outside of that, doesn’t really give a fuck.

I was banging the Good new(ish) rappers: A compilation mix in the car today and meant to email you saying thanks and asking for another one, but what actually reminded me to send the email was hearing the Mac Miller DJ Premier song. I am very torn over this song. On the one hand, its fucking awful. He raps like he looks; a mediocre white kid from nowhere interesting. On the other hand, however, he has a song over Premier, and his next album is ‘hosted by’ Jazzy Jeff, who are two of my favorites. I don’t know what to make of it. Am I just a hater and this is the direction of hip hop? Are producers hard for cash and will sell to whoever comes along?

There are two ways to look at this. On one hand, it’s kinda cool to see a young kid try and keep the old school style alive. Getting those two veterans on his album is nice homage to the stye of rap he’s kinda/sorta trying to emulate.
On the other hand, it’s depressing cause he’s a very bad rapper. Not to mention, the beat Primo gave him is one of the better beats I’ve heard from him in years (which doesn’t surprise me cause, say what you will about Mac Miller, that kid has impeccable taste in beats).
But, to answer your question, No, not all producers are hard for cash. But , most producers do do this shit for a living and are not gonna turn down a big pay day. I’m sure Mac Miller can pay a pretty good amount for a beat and I bet Primo had that shit just laying around. I also doubt Primo REALLY gives a fuck at this point. He’s a living legend, responsible for some of the greatest hip hop ever made. At this point, working with MAc miller is probably the most “relevant” thing he’s done in years, considering Miller’s following. So, to summarize, it’s a bummer but I understand why it happened.

QUICK FIRE ROUND!
would you rather have a set of perfectly formed teeth made out of baby corn kernels, or everytime you sneezed, you had your pockets filled with pennies?

At this very moment, I’m a sneezy , allergy laden mess. I’ll have these sneezing attacks where I just go nuts with rapid fire sneezes for like 45 seconds. The idea of each one of those causing pennies to fill up my pockets is daunting…but it’s still better than baby corn teeth. And beside, I could put those pennies in rolls and make some money. Win-win.

what do you really think of cats?

do you like watching COPS?

There was a time when I did when it first came out but I can’t say I have in a long time. It’s a great show but it’s one of those kinda things that , if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. It’s also slightly depressing after a while. I can only look at retarded drug addicts for so long before I lose faith in humanity.

if you absolutely had to eat a shoe, what brand/color would you choose. (side note: i wish Arby’s made a shoe, i’d eat the shit outta that)

Probably a very thin soled boat shoe. I’d boil that shit up, get the fabric nice and moist, add salt and go to town.

how much blood would you have to pee before you told someone?

If I peed any blood I’d be at the doctor that day.

let’s say you had to touch Kris Kristopherson, where would you touch him?

His beard, obviously.

‘Occupy Wall Street’: opinion?

Man, I’ve gotten this question from like 5 different people. I’ve really wanted to avoid it though cause , to be honest , it’s pretty fucking polarizing and I’m pretty indifferent. For one thing, I’m not a fan of protests. I think, most of the time , they’re a waste of time and the people involved are fucking annoying. I have friends who are into that shit and I’d rather eat a boiled shoe (boat shoe) then discuss anything political with them. Not cause I disagree, but cause they’re annoying and I don’t care enough to listen.
That said, I do agree with the anger from this protest. It’s totally justified and this is the kinda thing that might eventually begin a dialogue that could change things for the better. However, I wouldn’t go down there if you paid me.
So, basically, it’s one of those “do you” situations. My mom called me last week trying to get me to go with her down there and I laughed her off the phone. I just don’t do that shit. I’m not a “protest” guy. The same way I’m not a “beach” guy and I’m not a “pet” guy. But I do sincerely wish all the people there the best of luck.

Are you a “Dry Guy”?


This could get personal.

So, just as back story, I’ve been watching this show “Workaholics”. It’s fucking hilarious and you all should check it out if you haven’t already. Anyway, a few weeks ago they had an episode where the term “dry guy” was bought up. Here’s a link to THAT. This term refers to a man who masturbates sans lubrication. Just a guy and skin on his hand. The characters alluded to certain types of people who are dry guys (serial killers and Fred Durst were the examples).
Now, I’ve kinda always assumed that jerking off with lubricant was the norm. I’ve never even considered it otherwise. Recently, I was on the Philaflava message boards (one of my favorite palces on the internet) and the topic was bought up by regular poster Employee. He asked the same question I ask above now: “Are you a dry guy?”.
Well, to my surprise, I am seemingly in the minority with my masturbation habits and I feel as I my world has been turned upside down. Basically, I need to know if this “dry guy” thing is really the norm or if the posters on Philaflava’s message board are a bunch of serial killers.
So, answer me, motherfucker! (Don’t fret, it’s a safe and anonymous place)

Oh yeah, and self-PAUSE to this entire entry.

F%ck/Marry/Kill Vol 5


Everyone’s favorite hateful column is back. I get to play god and choose the fate of people who wouldn’t fuck me in a million years. But, that’s the beauty of blogging…My game. My rules. So, let’s see what we got this week.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:Jessie spano, Kelly kapowski, Lisa turtle

Fuck:Lisa Turtle

At the time of “saved by the bell” , I thought she was the hottest. To this day, she ranks up these with some of my favorites from that era. But Lisa Turtle was a cunt. A real snotty bitch. So, I dunno if I’m really trying to marry a girl with that much attitude and self entitlement. I will, however, fuck her.

Marry:Kelly Kapowski

She always seemed sweet but that’s not why I’m choosing her to wed. She’s obviously cute but she really came into her own after “saved by the bell” ended its run. My goal would be to marry her as Kapowski and she would eventually turn into the hot girl she was on Beverly hills 90210. It would be like a gift that keeps on giving. Not to mention, her only experience is with a few date rapey looking frat dudes from the local college and a blonde sociopath. I could do right by her.

Kill: Jessie Spano

Obviously. First off, not a fan of the tall bird looking broads.She looks more likely to post me up in the paint than make out with me. Secondly, she’s a speed addict. No one needs that in their life. I like stability and the last thing I need is some coked out acting , faux feminist getting all crazy on me to the point where she’s crying and talking about missing the smell of Slater’s Jerri Curl on her pillows.

Marry/Fuck/Kill: Dorothy, rose, blanche (from golden girls)

Marry: Rose

Well, on one hand, she’s actually still alive but I suppose these rules don’t apply to this game. On the other, she is the most “wifey material” of the golden girls. Look at her, she’s kinda cute for a senior citizen. She’s a bit out of it but seems fun enough. I bet she can bake too. That’s huge. I’d eat the fuck outta some cookies made by rose cause you don’t see those kinda early 1900’s recipes anymore. Shit would be mad authentic.

Kill:Dorothy

Much like Jessie Spano above, I’m not trying to play one on one with this sea monster. I’m pretty sure Dorothy isn’t fucking with dudes anyway. She looks like Mrs. doubtfire and probably smells like moth balls and muesli. There’s just no way around that. DEAD.

Fuck: Blanche

Listen, I’ve always felt Blanche was disgusting looking. She always looked like the personification of “alcoholism” to me. However, it cannot be overlooked that she was the slut. Blanche had been around the block and back and , often, those girls are the most fun to have sex with. The thing I respect about blanche is that she was an honest to goodness slut. See did it for all the right reasons. Those reasons? Certainly not the typical reasons other lesser sluts have like insecurity or trying to dupe the guy into a relationship. Her’s were a genuine hunger for cock and I’d never fault any girl for that.

Marry/Fuck/Kill:Jwoww, deena, snooki

Fuck: Jwoww

This was tough. Let’s be clear here. J-woww is a weird looking person. She has all the making of a hot girl but it just doesn’t click. She’s lost all this weight and got buff but has these ridiculous clown tits that I honestly can’t believe any guy likes looking at. At this point, she looks weathered. Like her face has been used to clean old wooden tables for the past few years. However, the other two girls in this round are so fucking disgusting, I have no choice. Ideally, she’d live up to her words from the Jersey Shore intro where she says “After i have sex with a guy I rip his head off” cause ,with no head, I wouldn’t have to marry either of those other two trolls.

Marry:Deena

I know. This makes no sense. She’s a gargoyle of a girl. Without make up on, she might as well be danny devito. However, she’s a blast in a glass. I honestly don’t even know what that really means but it translates to being a drunken whore. So, you may be thinking, why would you marry her? Well, this answer was chosen by the sociopath in me. Frankly, she’s an insecure mess and somewhat sweet. Also, once committed, guido girls are nothing if not blindly loyal to the men that have sex with them. By marrying her, I’d just cheat on her all the time and she’d most likely just grin and bear it. Living that selfish and guilt ridden life would still be better than marrying Snooki.

Kill: Snooki

Prior to the newest season of Jersey Shore, Snooki has always seemed like the goofy yet sweet girl who liked to party. She was likable. This season , however, her awfulness has been exposed. She’s fucking terrible. She’s a complete drunk who kicks and screams when she doesn’t get her way. She has no consideration for anyone but herself and she obviously let her fame go to her head.Reasoning with her would be like trying to get a dog to breakdance. I have no time for that kind of shit. By killing her, I’d be doing her a favor. She’s a miserable little goblin. It would be for the best.

This weeks brutal choice:
Marry/Fuck/Kill:Estelle Harris, Janet Reno, Jocelyn Wildenstein

Marry: Janet Reno

While I’d sooner marry the barrel of a shotgun, that’s not an option. I chose reno cause I’m sure she’s intelligent. But more so, I’m fairly certain her vagina is dead so intimacy in this relationship wouldn’t be an issue. It would be like living with a grand mother but we’d be married.I guess. What a fucking nightmare these choices are.

Fuck:Estelle Harris

Again, If the barrel of a shotgun was an available choice, I’d fuck it.
She pretty much just fell here by default. It’s only one fuck so I guess I’d take like 7 viagra, get drunker than I’ve ever been and just get it over with. Even though she looks like Sam kinison with a perm.

Kill: Jocelyn Wildenstein

She is the lady version of Ron Pearlman in “Beauty and the beast”. I’m a legitimately frightened by her face. If it were a mask in a horror movie, that movie would be scarier than “The exorcist” on principal. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her? Her face looks like if you had a Candle made to look like Fergie then you melted it and had Micky Rourke play it in a movie. She would sooooo get killed. Like, before anyone else I’ve ever had in this column. She’s the A #1 deadest person ever to me.

Palette cleanser
Fuck/Marry/kill:Liv Tyler, Olivia Munn, Kari Byron (from mythbusters)

Marry: Olivia Munn

I mean, was there even a question? She’s the definition of wifey material.
I’ve been loving Munn for a long time now (I even wrote a blog post about over a year ago). Sure, she never responds to my tweets to her but, if we were married, she’d fucking have to! Put a ring on it!

Fuck: Kari Bryon

I had to google her to see what she looks like but, hell yeah, I’d fuck her. I’m sure she’s like one of those cool nerd types. Honestly, she reminds me of hot bodied jewish girls I used to love when I was younger so there’s a nostalgia thing going as well. She’s younger (and therefor hotter) than Liv Tyler, in great shape and…i don’t fucking now. SHe’s a fuckable girl. What else is there really to say?

Kill: Liv Tyler

I have nothing against Liv Tyler. I knew a bunch of people who knew her in high school back when she was the type who dated Latin Kings (it was the early/mid 90’s, that what rich white girls in NYC did). She pretty much just has to fall on the sword here cause, while I think she’s very pretty, I’ve never been crazy about her. She’s got a doofus face and , when the competition is this stiff, that’s all it takes to get you killed.