Marry/F%ck/Kill Vol. 6

Time for another edition of your favorite game. This week I had some tough ones and decided to throw some curveballs. Why not? It’s my imaginary penis, i can do what I want…

M/F/K:Bahamadia, Jean Grae, Lauryn Hill

Marry: Jean Grae

Pretty easy choice right here. Jean is attractive, funny and still exists on the same planet as I do. so she wins this one hands down. I’ve actually never met her in real life but I’ve only heard good things about her which leads me to believe, she would indeed be wifey material. Even more, I could make beats for her. That would be a pretty cool relationship to have.

Fuck: Lauryn Hill

(for the sake of my argument, I chose an old pic of her. Sue me, bro)
Sure, she’s looks like a scarecrow lately but this one goes back. I remember when I saw her in the “Fugee-la” video I tried to put my penis through the TV screen. Simply based of that old crush, she’d be my “fuck”. She’s also batshit crazy which might translate to some interesting sex. Though , I could see her getting on some “Angel Heart” shit and ending up in a room filled with blood and animal bones. But , I’m willing to take that risk in this scenario. Besides, she gets preggo so easily, I’d probably knock her up and get a ridiculously named baby out of the whole thing.


What can I say? I’m shallow. I bet she’s a real cool lady…and if there was a “marry/fuck/let this person be my mom” game, she’d live…but this isn’t that game and I’m not putting my dick in Bahamadia. I haven’t seen a pic of her in years but she looked like an off duty back up dancer for Cameo who fell on hard times when she dropped. I can’t imagine she’s aged much better.
(edit: Upon finding a new pic of her, she now looks like a bouncer at a lesbian bar)

M/F/K:Serena Williams, Danica Patrick, Jennie Finch

Kill:Serena williams

Let me just get this out of the way. Listen, I know there are people out there who think she’s attractive..and yes, she has a fat ass and huge titties. I would never front on that. My issue with her is that those body parts are attached to a fucking monster. She’s like 6 feet tall and a buck 80. I want nothing to do with that. She could very well be just a really convincing tranny for all I know. Aside from that, not only am I positive I couldn’t satisfy her but I’d also be scared she rip my dick off on some Lenny from “of mice and men” shit. No thanks.

Marry: Danica Patrick

This was a close one but she just beat out Finch as wifey for a few reasons. For one, she’s not a giant. I don’t love really tall girls. Secondly, she’s kinda cute I guess (in that “she looks like every midwestern white girl ever” kinda way). Sure, we’d have nothing to talk about and she probably is a member of the NRA who has entire Jeff Foxworthy stand up routines committed to memory but she’s also rich. That doesn’t hurt. I can always get a divorce, right?

Fuck: Jennie Finch

The first time I saw her on TV i was like “daaamnnn…who’s the hot softball girl?”. Then I saw her in an interview and realized she was like 6 foot 5. While this is not my steeze, I’ll still gladly take her and her normal girl arms over Serena williams 24 inch pythons. She’s definitely pretty in the face and we could have some cool pillow talk as I regale her with my tales of how I threw out my shoulder in a bar softball league and has to quit playing forever.

F/M/K: April O’neil, Betty Rubble and Jessica Rabbit

Fuck: Jessica rabbit

Holy shit. Is there a hotter cartoon girl ever than her (Excluding Japanamation girls made by the loneliest masturbators on the planet)?
You may be thinking, why not marry her? Well, i don’t trust her. She seems like a bit of a socio-path and , really, I think she’d break my heart. However, So, instead, I would sex her down like no man has ever sexed a cartoon. I would straight robert Crumb that hoe.

Marry:April O’neal

I was never a big Teenage mutant Ninja Turtle fan. But, I know she has big tits and stands for justice. Sounds like wifey material to me. Granted, the last thing I want to do is have to hang out with some retarded weeded out surf turtles with violent tendencies but, whatever, I’d work around it. The only thing I ask is that she get some new gear You can only rock the same jumpsuit for so long.

Kill:Betty Rubble

She’s a tad crudely drawn for my taste. I’m not 100% she even has a vagina. Also, her fingers look sharp. I dunno…she’s just not “there”. She’s cute and all but between her flat chest, non-existent chin and questionable vagina,I’m not really trying to fuck or marry a stick figure with a dress on.

F/M/K:Whoopi Goldberg, Tracy Chapman ,Rosie O’Donnell

Kill: Tracy Chapman

It coulda been anyone of them really but I think she’s bottom wrung here. She very likely would rather kill me than fuck me too , so I don’t feel that bad. Aside from her distinct manly voice, she always looked like an ugly fat baby to me (or a way more emo version of how Casual looked when he dropped in the 90’s). That’s just a big no-go for the kid.

Fuck: Whoopi goldberg

Goddamnit…I mean, I’d probably rather kill myself than fuck any of these three but I gotta pick one, right? She seems cool and I know she likes white guys. I’ve long said that jewish girls are fun in bed so, I suppose that would apply to her as well. Still…barf.

Marry: Rosie O’donnell

I like when you guys try and fuck me over by listing ugly lesbians in the F/M/K game cause, the “marry” choice is always simple. I’d LOVE to marry a lesbian. It would be like having a cool bro roommate. We’d mind our own business, chill , watch TV and fuck whoever we like outside of the marriage. Sounds fucking perfect. I bet Rosie is awesome. I’s also bet she’s fucked hotter girls than I have. Even that’s a plus. So, there! this round may have sucked to figure out but at least my marriage is awesome.

M/F/K:Taylor Swift ,Miley Cyrus , Emma watson

Marry: Emma Watson

You know what? I don’t even think she’s that hot. i got an issue with underbites and she’s always seemed pretty plain to me. That said, I bet she’s fairly nice and her body looks pretty good. That’s enough to put her over these other two in the “marriage” category. I also feel like she’s gonna age a lot better. Probably cause she won’t be snorting meth in 3 years (Like Cyrus will) and she won’t be a ransacked star fucker (like swift) anytime soon.

Fuck: Miley Cyrus

This was tough and I feel like I may regret it. Miley is a googley eyed yokel. There’s no denying that. She’s also dumber than a pile of sand on the sidewalk and equally worthless. However, she’s in her slut phase right now. Even though she’s preaching the word of the lord, she’s also taking bong rips, sending nude pics to boys and very likely sucking all sorts of dick. For that reason, i think she’d be an interesting sexual conquest. Really, I’d do just to be able to say “Oh, Miley Cyrus? Dude..she drank my sperm out of a tea cup! she was insane!”.

Kill: Taylor Swift

Surprised? Me too. But , when I think about her, all sorts of red flags fly up. For one, she’s a good girl. While this may be good for marriage, she’s also probably really fucking boring. Definitely the type who has all sorts of sexual hang ups that would make my eyes roll. Secondly, she’s really into god. I don’t have time for that shit and I’m not about to spend nights in bed with her explaining that snakes can’t talk. Thirdly, she’s one of those girls who gets dumped by every guy she dates. To me, this means she’s a piece of shit that no man can tolerate. As “sweet” as she may seem, there’s a good chance she’s an awful person in real life.
Also, she’s cute but kinda looks like a new born hamster. Meh. DEAD.

The Original “Bent Life” Featuring Slug and Eyedea

A while back, I had mentioned in this post that the original version of the song “Bent life” was actually something completely different. It was a song that featured Slug and Eyedea that got scrapped due to lack of focus. Until now, this song had never been heard outside of a small handful of people but Aesop just threw it up for download on his website 900 Bats. Go get “Thorns” here

RIP Michael “Eyedea” Larsen. He was a cool dude and making this song (and others) with slug and Aes was a lot of fun. This was before any of us had really realized what we were a part of. Before making music had any pressure involved, back when it was just us having fun doing something that we loved.

Upcoming tour dates! Starting tomorrow (11/2/11)

Hey all, Tomorrow I’ll be embarking on a brief tour with Dj Cam that goes a little down south and little out west…you should totally come out to these shows if you live in areas close to where I’m playing…
Anyway, here’s the run down of gigs:

11/2 Houston Fox Hollow
11/3 New Orleans Hookah
11/4 Austin Emos East *
11/5 Dallas Club Dada %
11/6 New York Glasslands #
Tix for NY
11/10 Seattle Chop Suey
11/11 Portland The Refuge
11/12 San Francisco Yoshis
11/13 Eureka CA Red Fox Tavern

*w/ Shpongletron
% w/ Mark Farina’s Mushroom Jazz

Come on out! Good times for all!

PS: I’m afraid the Chicago date on the flyer got cancelled because the venue we were gonna play at got shut down. That’s some old bullshit but , alas, life goes on.