Good day to all and welcome to another installment of Fuck/Marry/Kill. The game we all know and love that places three people , who would probably never fuck or marry me, and allows me to play god. Please take all I say here with a grain of salt as it is just a game. I don’t really wanna kill anyone and the idea of marrying a rich stranger is horrifying. The fucking, however, I’m all in on.
Let’s do it.
F/M/K: Missy Elliott, Da Brat, Queen Latifah
Fuck: Da Brat
I’m gonna ignore the fact that she looks like a tubby 12 year old boy nowadays, but there was a time when I thought Da Brat was cute. Adorable even. Sure, she dressed in men’s clothing but, to be honest, most female rappers did that in the 90’s. Also, of the three, she was probably the least hardcore lesbian. Meaning, she might like dick at least a little. That alone is enough to get her in the “fuck” category.
Marry: Queen Latifah
Have you seen ” Just Wright”? Then you know how sexy this woman can be….just kidding. She’s as sexual to me as a piece of driftwood but she at least seems like she’d be okay to hang with. That’s what marriage is anyway , right? Someone you can hang with? We could play ball together, I bet she can cook and she could regale me with tales of eating MC Lyte’s ass in a bathroom stall in 1989. True love.
Honestly, I’ve always wanted to kill her anyway, so this would just be the perfect coincidence. I don’t care how much weight she lost…how “cool” she is (she isn’t). She sucks…always has. I know it’s an unpopular opinion cause she was so creative when she was popular but, let’s be real, without Timbaland, there would be no Missy. Not that this has anything to do with this game but I figured it might justify my cold blooded hypothetical murder of this person I’ve never met before.
F/M/K Rudy Huxtable when she turned 18, Lisa Turtle, becky from rosanne
I mean…come on. It’s not even a question. Especially if it’s Becky #1 with the chinless slack jaw and constant frown. I gotta give it up to the creators or “Roseanne” in that they casted the most perfect midwestern white girl ever. There are suburbs outside of Detroit or Cleveland filled with Becky’s. So, one less isn’t hurting anyone.
Rudy becoming hot (post Cosby show, of course) is one of the most surprising revelations ever. I remember seeing her in a terrible Chingy video and being like “Whaaaaaaat???!!”.
Let’s be honest, she was an adorable child and a truly busted teen but, as an adult, man…I mean, just look at the picture. Love is getting made to that.
Marry: Lisa Turtle
Sure, she’s a bit of a cunt. Spoiled. But Lisa turtle is one of my all time favorite girls. So cute. Amazing cloths that looked like she got them at a Woolworth’s in space.
I’m willing to bet that, underneath her self important and shallow demeanor, there is an angel deep inside her. If not? Fuck it. She’s still the hottest (at least in the mind of my inner 14 year old) and I’d wife without hesitation.
F/M/K: Fat Christina Aguilera, Fat Jessica Simpson, Fat Kelly Clarkson
Kill: Fat Christina Aguilera
Aguilera was very cute to me once. The fake tits looked stupid and her outfits would make a drag queen vomit but, still, she was kinda sexy in a way until…She became this blonde snooki creature she is now. If anything, what’s going on her should be a warning to all girls teetering on the edge of fatness right now. You’re only a blintz and a month of not exercising away from becoming this fat little munchkin with clown make up on.
Fuck: Jessica Simpson
She seems like she’d be one of those fun fat girls. I mean, first off, the boobs are real. And I bet they’re awesome. Secondly, fat is her natural shape. All those years she was in shape , she had to work hard to maintain what a girl like Aguilera would barely even had to even monitor. Because of that, I feel this is her comfort zone. She’s a cute, huge titted chubby girl at heart and who likes sex more than cute huge titted fat girls? NO ONE. Not even her man in the sky Jesus could deny her of that.
Marry: Kelly Clarkson
I know…I bet you you thought she’d be the obvious Kill in this game. But no…Lemme explain.
First off, Aguilera has surpassed all in grossness. She’s just a mess right now. So, she’s dying regardless. In Clarkson’s case, much like Simpson, she’s always been a natural chubby girl. While she may not possess the curves of Simpson , she does seem like she’s very humble and actually somewhat pleasant. Fucking is one thing, but marriage means a lot of time together. Simpson is a step away from the IQ of a dolphin. Clarkson, while not very attractive, would make a better life mate. Perhaps I could learn to be attracted to her? Maybe? I hope so…there’s just no way I’m marrying that goblin Aguilera.
F/M/K:Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, and Elizabeth Taylor -We’re also playing fkm in the 1950s
Fuck: Marilyn Monroe
She just seems like the sluttiest. Sure, she’d be all pilled out and glassy eyed but I gotta think she knew what she was doing in bed. It was kind of her thing. It’s funny cause, while she was obviously very pretty, she’s pretty much just a typical blonde girl by today’s standards. Whatever the case, I’m splitting hairs here cause I’d gladly bone/marry any of these women in the 1950’s.
Marry: Audrey Hepburn
How fucking cute is she? Damn..she’s like a sweet little elf that makes you horny. How could i not marry her? I don’t even know if I’d even want to have sex with her. I’d rather put her in a glass casing with a feeding tube and admire her from a far. Sex would almost ruin her innocence…but, hey, I’d do what I’d have to do.
Known for having the most beautiful eyes ever, she’s certainly not bad to look at. But most her pics are in black and white so that “Beautiful eyes” shit goes out the window (though the one above is fucking stunning). There’s no denying she was a very pretty lady but, compared to the other two? It’s a tough choice. I think her window of being at her hottest was the shortest. For like two years she was unfuckwitable in the face department but then she started looking a little like typical pretty upper east side jewish girls I went to high school with. Maybe that’s a strange bias but when you got three woman who all clearly are hot, you gotta reach a little to make these tough decisions.
F/M/K: lucy lui, cameron diaz, or drew barrymore
Marry: Lucy Lui
What can I say? i have an asian fetish. Just kidding. But she is , easily, the hottest of the three in their current states. She’s also from Queens so we got that NY bond that would surely give us things to talk about for at least 45 minutes.
Fuck: Drew Barrymore
I know a lot of people dog on her. I get it. But hear me out, I’ve seen her in person a few times and she’s WAY cuter than you’d ever imagine. I was seriously shocked at how cute she was. She’s tiny and has a nice glow about her. So much so, I was almost gonna marry her (in this hypothetical situation). Just trust me, i know you’re rolling your eyes here but she’s definitely someone you would want to have your penis inside.
Kill: Cameron Diaz
Man, when “The Mask” came out, there was no one hotter to me than her. Now she’s just frightening. Even scarier when she tries to play up her old ass sexuality. It’s like watching your mom eat a banana or something. Her skin looks like leather, her body, while very much “in shape” just looks wrong to me. Basically, I fear her so, because of that, she must go.