Hello everyone. IT’s time for yet another waltz into the world of hypothetical sex and murder. What’s not to like about that?
Anyway, I’m gonna start accepting new submissions for Fuck/marry/kill but I need you to NOT use these people: Nicki Minaj, Britney spears, Snooki, any old lesbians, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and really anyone so obvious. If you’re gonna go obvious, at least make it something that would make sense like the three girls In TLC or the stars of Charlie’s angels.
Anyway, if you got good ones, you can tweet them to me ( @blockheadnyc ) or leave them in the comments below. Get creative cause the answers are as only funny as you allow them to be.
F/M/K: Lil Kim, Nicki Minaj, Keri Hilson
Marry: Keri Hilson
I honestly know nothing about her except that she’s a singer and she’s hot. That’s it. For all I know she could be an accomplice to multiple murders and a vegan. I really have no idea. However, considering here competition here, she’s pretty enough for me to take her hand in marriage. I really hope she’s not a vegan murderer though.
Kill: Lil’ Kim
Now that The Notorious K.I.M. looks like Garfield in Fendi , this is a fairly easy choice. She did exactly what you’re not supposed to do if you want to age gracefully. In fact, she looks so much like a wild animal, killing her wouldn’t even feel like murder. It would be closer to big (lil’) game hunting.
There was a time when she woulda fallen into the “fuck” category with me pretty easily (depending who she was up against) but that ship has long since sailed. It sailed off a fucking waterfall into a pool of acid.
Fuck: Nicki Minaj
Let’s face it. You may dislike her music (I surely do) but she’s hot. She dressed like a fucking asshole but , stripped down to just the face and that body, she’s no joke. She’s very high on my “Celebrities I’d like to see a leaked home made porn of” list (this list is partially based on likelihood of that event actually happening).
Some may be asking “but why not marry her?”. Well, she’s fucking annoying. Like “diva” annoying. I have negative tolerance for that shit. Not to mention,she’s also one of those kind of artists who pull that “Alter Ego” shit. Had there been a slightly hotter choice that Lil Kim, that Alter Ego bullshit would be her demise.
F/M/K:Fran Drescher, Joan Rivers and Star Jones
Marry: Fran Drescher
Even though her voice is like kittens being raped atop chalkboards, she’s actually somewhat attractive. She’s easily the only one I’d want to have sex with a second time. I’m sure she’d eventually drive me insane but it’s not like my other two options aren’t totally fucking annoying as well. With the “personality” contest being a wash, all I can really go on is looks, and she’s the best in this heat, quite easily.
Kill: Joan Rivers
I bet Joan Rivers is the coolest of these three but she’s like 80 and looks like wax paper origami that got transexual make up applied to it. She’s had a good run. No need in dragging this out. I’d kill her by finding a loose thread on her face and pulling it , unbinding her entire body, leaving a pile of bones and organs. It would be an honorable way to go.
Listen, she lost a lot of weight. That’s a good thing. She still looks fucking bizarre but, hey, it’s her or Rivers and I’m just not fucking Rivers.
The more weight she loses the more she looks like a turtle with glasses. still though, it’s an improvement cause when she was big, she was so fat it made her eyes bulge.
Also, didn’t she just get a divorce from some gay dude? I’m sure she’d be very appreciative of any mediocre sex I’d be giving her.
F/M/K:Kim Basinger, Michelle Pfiffer, Nicole Kidman (in their primes)
Fuck: Kim Basinger
Kim Basinger was sexy. Above all the other shit, that was her selling point. She was also very pretty but he sexiness was what had dudes who were 17 in the mid 80’s jerking off like Woah. Admittedly, I was a hair to young to really appreciate her prime. I mean, she was still hot but she was like an old hot lady to me when I was young. Basinger in her 20’s? Forget about it. I’m fucking that all the way.
She has one of the prettiest faces ever. She was always a little too skinny but , to be fair, skinny girls do tend to age very well (case in point,Pfieffer is still pretty hot now at age 50 something). I actually “met” her once when I was younger. I was working in the bar and she came in. At this point, she was already in her late 30’s. I was about 18 and she was soooooo fucking beautiful it fucked me up for a while. I wasn’t even really into older women but she was murderously hot. It was right then I’d knew, if I was ever playing a game of Fuck/marry/kill , she’d be the one.
Kill: Nicole Kidman
I’ve stated before that I’m not crazy about really tall girls. She’s like 6’4” with heels on. That alone is a deal breaker. However, beyond all that, I don’t think she’s that hot. SHe’s a somewhat plain blonde girl with big gums. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly done much worse in real life but this game isn’t based in that reality. In this game, she’s the gawky tall broad with weird fake tits and a face that comes off somewhat cunty. Yes, the game can be brutal…but that’s why we play it. Sorry Kidman.
Here’s a creative one…
F/M/K: Portland, Seattle, SF
Marry: San Francisco
I’m a big fan of S.F. It’s the city I’ve spent the most time in outside of NY and , easily, my second favorite city in America. My biggest knock on it for all these years has always been that it’s the coolest city with the least attractive people but, in recent years, all that has changed. The popularity of Yoga and Pilates has turned the former cool yet couch potato like fatties into cool girls with flat stomachs and shapely asses. Everyone wins that way. But outside of that, it’s just an overall cool place. Great food. Moderate weather. You can even walk a lot of places so I wouldn’t be stranded all the time cause I don’t drive.
To me, Seattle is like a more grimy Portland. Meaning, along with the hippies and forever 25 crowd, there are some truly urban aspects to it. I like that cause it evens the playing field. I’ve found that the people in Seattle are generally pretty cool and not the type who come up to me at shows and hand me healing crystals. That fact alone puts this city over Portland to me.
Sure, it rains there all the fucking time. That would definitely bum me out and make me paler than I already am…but that’s why I’d “fuck” seattle. In and out with a smile on my face.
I have a funny relationship with portland. On one hand, it’s a pretty cool city. Great food. Very nice people and it’s got a very livable vibe.
On the other hand, it’s just not a city that conducive to me. I’m simply not enough of a hippie. I’m not saying everyone from Portland is like that, but enough of them are that i’d eventually get in trouble for being who I am. I Love red meat. I love bad television. I’m not spiritual on any level. I’m crass. I’m a pessimist/realist about most things.
So, in truth, I don’t wanna kill Portland. I’d much rather fuck it..but someone’s gotta die.
F/M/K:Camilla / Miss Piggy / Janice
First off, Janice got a tight little body. She plays the drums, which is pretty cool and she seems like the type who would just let me chill. It would be a very relaxed household. Sure, I might worry about her freewheeling lifestyle leading to me finding her on the couch one day with a mouth full of Dr. Teeth cock, but that’s just the bohemian lifestyle we’d be living. I could deal with that.
I was gonna put her in the “fuck” category cause you know that pussy is tight…but she’s a chicken. I’d rather eat her than fuck her. I’m sure she’d be nice a tenderized too from all those times Gonzo raped her.
She would be annoying and volatile but Miss Piggy got those titties. I feel like every dude I know had went home with a human version of MRs. Piggy at some point. It’s really just a rite of passage for men. As a guy who really hasn’t gone down that path before, she would be a good start. Why fuck someone who looks like Miss Piggy when you can actually fuck the real Miss Piggy? Besides, there’s no way Kermit repped on that at all. It would be cake.