Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 9


After a lengthy hiatus, the doctor is back. Here to lead you down a path of righteousness laid out to you by the high power. Not really. I’m just here to give you my opinion on questions you sent me concerning matters of the heart. As I’ve said before, I’m not a licensed anything…but I do tend to be honest and think somewhat logically. So, there’s always that. Anyway, send me more questions like these to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com. My door is always open.

Hi there,
Ok,so ive met this girl about 3 weeks ago in a small club,i was a kinda drunk dunno if she was also,we kissed and stuff and she left me her phone number.It past 2 weeks and i didnt called her back cause i thought i saw her 1 day with some other guy who was a friend of mine and i didnt wanted to get involved in that.So after 2 weeks at 11pm i get this msg on my phone saying hello and asked me if i wanna go at her place cause she’s alone and she needs company.I texted her asking if she’s not my friends girlfriend and she told me she didnt knew him or he’s name.So i just considered i was drunk that night and maybe i confused her with someone else which probably i did.Ok so i go to her place,obviosly this was an invitation for sex.I was a bit nervous cause i rly liked this girl and im not much good in the sack specialy when im sober.So i arrived at her place but dunno what happend,we started talking personal things but nothing happend sexualy.I havent seen her since 3 weeks ago when i was drunk and now she looked even better.And honestly i didnt wanted to screw up with this one.I’ve been with decent amout of girls but this one is diferent.Ok so that knight we talked,watched a movie,etc.She told me she was looking for smth serious and needs love,about her school bla bla bla.I went home in the morning,on my way home thinking that i was such an idiot and she’ll definetly won’t contact me anymore.But after 1 day at 3-4 AM in the morning i get texted and was smth like “your eyes are telling me smth,sry for texting u this early”.I didnt knew how to react to that so i just texted her “i dont know what to say but i was thinking of u and what u told me the other knight”,and later some metaphor about eyes.Dunno if it was the right thing to do,she didnt texted back but i know i got her attention somehow.Ok the thing is i dunno if i should share my feelings or not.I did that before and it doesnt work all the time,its to early for that shit and not all girls want “that lover” tipe.But maybe if i stay like this and dont tell her shit she will think that im not interested in her that much.Or is the posibility that she does know my friend and this is some kind of frame but that sounds a bit crazy and maybe im just paranoid.I think this situation is very easy to handle and i usualy dont act like this,dunno whats happening.Sry for the wall of text,and for my bad english,just wanted to give u the info about what’s going on

I’m so happy to read english is not your first language. I was getting sad while reading that whole thing like “oh man, this dude didn’t graduate grade school”. Phew…
now, for you question…To be honest, I’m not really clear what the question is. All i can really do is observe the situation. First off, you met her at a club once. It’s cool to like a girl off the bat like that but let’s not get crazy. The night of emotional bonding certainly changes that but you seemed to be going into even meeting up with her like you were already in it for the long haul. To that, I’d say slow down. There’s no rush.
Secondly, and this may be due to the translation of what you wrote being off, but there’s something unhealthy to me about how you two have been communicating. Like random 3 am texts that evolve into to poetry flirting? I mean, that’s all good…but , to me, it just makes me think she’s a little out of it.
Those things considered, it does seem like she likes you. I’d stop over analyzing it so much and just let it play out naturally. You wanna talk to her? call her. Don’t turn this into unnecessary game playing. Also I highly doubt this is a set up by your friend who you think is dating her. That would be both way too elaborate and downright insane.

i dated this guy (guy A) last year who was really great and i liked a lot for a couple of months. we had the same interests and always had fun together. i shortly ended it with him because he was terrible at communicating and had a wandering eye (and dick). it was an amicable break-up though and because we got along so well otherwise, we stayed friends.

a few months later, i met his best friend (guy B) from his home town when he came to visit. we INSTANTLY bonded and became great friends. it started out friendly, but we ended up hooking up (fuck buddy style, not romantically) the next time he came to visit. at this point, i see and keep in touch with guy B way more than guy A. aside from the occasional text, i really only have contact with guy A when guy B comes to visit him here. guy B and i had this unspoken understanding that we’d never be a couple though because it just would not work. guy A is oblivious to all of this.

this year, i started dating my boyfriend who i’m still currently in a relationship with. i hadn’t stopped to talking to guy A or guy B at all, but it was always strictly platonic… until the last time guy B came to visit last month. during his four day visit, we spent two days together. during the one day guy B and i spend alone together, he tells me that he’s in love with me even though he knows about my boyfriend and that we probably could never make it work anyway we tried. he went back home and we’ve only spoken maybe once since he left. our friendship is clearly not the same.

after guy B left, guy A (who’s currently living with his girlfriend of over a year) started to text me on a regular basis. super platonic, we just end up talking about what we’ve been up to and we start to become good friends again. i sent him a link to my boyfriend’s music at some point which he was really impressed with and made him want to meet him. they eventually meet and get along really well, bonding over just about everything. guy A texts me after we leave and tells me how much he loves my boyfriend, which is awesome. i love hanging out with them both and am super excited about them getting along so well. however, within the last week or so, guy A has been sending me increasingly flirty texts that eventually lead up to the “i think i’m in love with you” text. WHY?!?! guy A now seems relentless in wanting to be with me despite our significant others, but i just want to be his friend. oh, i’d also like to add that neither guy A nor guy B has any idea about each other’s feelings for me. it’s just all around fucking awkward.

SO… now i have three dudes who are in love with me (geez, this makes me sound like a total cunt), but only one who i am in love with and the other two, i want to keep good friendships with.

1. what the fuck do i do? can i salvage any kind of friendship with these guys despite their feelings for me?
2. do i tell guy A and guy B that they are in love with the same girl or do i let them figure it out for themselves? is there a possibility they just won’t ever know?
3. do i tell my boyfriend that two of my favorite people, who i always speak highly of, are in love with me? or would that just fuck things up worse?

Someone’s either got a magic pussy or you live in a really small town! Either way, congrats.
let’s answer these in order:
1)No. You cannot be friends with these dudes. I know your heart is telling you you can, but you cannot. These guys have agendas and they involve breaking you up with your man. Even if it’s not meant in a malicious way, that’s where it’s headed. I’m afraid you just gotta let them go. OR, if you slightly more dubious, keep them on the back burner if you feel like your current relationship isn’t “the one”. Regardless, at the moment you gotta not play into these guys romantic advances.

2)Eh, that’s not your problem. For all you know, they’re just orchestrating a super intense threesome starring you as “The middle”. But, on the real, they’re homeeboys. That’s between them. Besides, you’re not dating either of them so who gives a shit?

3)That will 100% make things worse. I’m sure he already assumes something is up (in the general sense of “I bet she’s at least made out with these guys) cause most dudes are presumptuous of his girls male friends. It’s rare they haven’t hooked up on some level. Telling him will only stir the pot and play into his insecurities. It’s like bragging. If he asks why those guys don’t hang anymore (which he won’t) , just tell him they were acting stupid. If he really wants to know more and asks for me detials (which he won’t) then you can get into it depending on how he questions you. But i say, leave it alone.

whats with girls asking to be cum on. I have been with a few girls that have asked me to pull out and finish on them (stomach, chest, what have you) and I dont get it. I find no pleasure in pulling out and rubbing one out on a girl, I can do that at home with lotion. I dont see what, if any, pleasure the girls find in it. I like to shower after sex too but, do girls actually enjoy that?

Well, I’m no girl but I have theories. First off, not all girls like being cum on. In fact, most just settle for it. But, I know what you’re talking about so lemme think about it.
Trust this has nothing to do with how much girls “love jizz” cause that’s simply just some made up shit that guys wish for. It’s more about pleasing the man and doing something for us. Contrary to what you think about it, I think most dudes are fans of blowing loads on a girls body. We’re a visual bunch. Busting off on to a girl is a great finale to sex. It’s like saying “ta-dah!” , with your penis.
I don’t think most girls particularly love it, but it’s some hot horny shit they can get into once the ball is rolling. I’m pretty sure no girl is masturbating to the thought of some guy hunched over her , nutting in her face. If she is, she should either call her dad or go visit his tombstone and get to the bottom of that.
As for showing after sex, that’s on a person to person basis. With me, it depends on how sweaty I am. If I’m sweaty, then I want to shower…at least rinse off. Some people just lay there baking in their own filth. You never know. But don’t feel weird if you feel like you need to clean off a little after fucking. One thing I’ve found girls do actually love is showering with you after sex. It’s all the emotional coddling of cuddling but with water.

Quick question. Is there a set number of years between two peoples age before its weird for them to hook up? For instance I am 32, I work at a bar, and this 23 year old keeps coming in that wants to go out. Is that too much of an age gap? I am not trying to make her my girl or anything, just don’t want to be some dirty old man.

I think I may have covered this before so I’ll be brief. If we’re just talking sex here, once she’s 21 , all bets are off. If you’re 38 and can fuck a 21 year old, go for it. I mean, proceed with caution, but do what you gotta do. However, if you actually date her, you’re a total creep. That’s the very short version of that answer.

What kind of advice can you give a female about rebound relations? Is it better to just suffer through the annoying pain of getting dumped until you don’t feel so emotionally drained, or should a gal jump back on her horse and just ride bareback into the rebound sunset with wild abandon?

Rebounds are rebounds for a reason. I’m a supporter of them. They enable the girl to move on and also zone out for a bit from being a depressed mess after getting dissed. After getting dumped, girls tend to be pretty high strung and emotional. This can lead to all sorts of bad choices, ranging from being a pathetic mess towards the guy that dumped them, with hopes of getting him back (which never works) to fucking the worst people possible (which tends to only make things worse). A nice rebound kinda centers all that. Sure, you don’t wanna marry this rebound dude and , very likely, you’re thinking about other stuff wen you two are fucking but it’s a step in the right direction. Cause women are so often driven by emotion the rebound guy is great cause it’s a time when they can just turn all that craziness off for a second. The rebound guy is usually a decent person who , under different circumstances, might be datable to that girl. But , due to timing, he’s just there to fill that hole.

Although, I’d like to throw a warning out there that if you’re a serial dater, there is no such thing as a rebound guy. That’s just your next boyfriend. I fucking hate serial daters cause they tend to be needy and self involved…so don’t be like that. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your freedom and being alone.

On a side note, for the fellas, the only downside is if the dude who’s the rebound guy doesn’t realize that’s what he is and he’s some sucker for love type who thinks he’s met his soul mate. That dude has no chance. But, if it’s a normal guy, being a rebound guy is awesome cause you get to have sex with a girl who’s never gonna flip that emotional mess switch on you. Also, you are the recipient of having sex with someone who’s very likely been bored within their relationship for awhile and you’re “new”. So that’s always fun.

The making of Party Fun action Committee Part 2: The songs


A few weeks ago, I did a little write up of the making of “Let’s get serious” by my former comedy group Party Fun Action Committee.
In that write up, I basically just gave an overview of how this album came about and little stories behind it.
https://phatfriend.com/2011/11/17/the-making-of-the-party-fun-action-committee-part-1/
So, in part 2, I figured I will get a little deeper into the actual music. I rundown of the songs on the album and our thoughts behind them. Because PFAC was such a failure with fans, I don’t have youtube clips for all the songs. So, if you’re reading this and want to have a clearer idea of what we’re talking about, here’s a link to download the album:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=NTX6WQSD

So, now that you got that, let’s get serious…
Mental storm

Contrary to popular belief, there really are no distinct targets we were going after with this one. Granted, I was definitely using a “Cella Dwellas” type voice on the third verse and Jer was channeling a little Kweli with his last verse where he’s all weak voiced and off beat…but it wasn’t really planned. It was just us making fun of the different type of underground hip hop that were around us. All the “lyrical miracle” rappers out there who assumed using big words equaled having skills.
The few times we performed as PFAC , this was a funny one to start with cause, in general, the crowd didn’t know what to expect. So we’d come out doing terrible underground rap. We opened for Aesop once and the confusion was palpable when we went into the second song…where we sang R&B.

Jer wrote:
I liked the idea of a fast underground lisp rapper who has skills but unfortunately has a bad lisp as well. But he won’t let that awful lisp bring him down although he sounds stupid. That’s sort of a play on white rappers who’s voices are the worst and should never rap seriously even if they can rap ok. My last character I did in 1 take which is obviously believable considering how off beat it is. I wrote that verse as a joke way before pfac existed and was happy to come across it again to flip in an awesome kweli style. I was definitely thinking about kweli when I rapped that. Ps. I am not a kwalie fan.

Watchu know now
This song is the most spot on of all the parodies. So much so that it’s actually hard to get through. Jer made the track and knocked it out of the park. Rap-rock was popping off back then and it was pretty much the bane of our existence. Just a completely unforgivable form of music. We came up with the idea of having one guy who was a little more rock sounding (My character Danny Darwin, who was named after the former texas rangers pitcher) and Jer’s character “MC Rhyme” , who was all about feeble verbal gymnastics (“I kick it and rip it and kick it and rip it cause I’m so wicked”). Basically two dudes who liked marginally pop versions of whatever genre they championed who thought it was a great idea to blend the two together cause, well, why not?

Obviously, the strongest shots were going after Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit, but my character was more based on Zack De la rocha if he was a christian fundamentalist. The addition of the religious overtones to the song lent itself nicely to how fucking ridiculous the entire idea of music like this is. It was like 10 contradictions playing against each other at once.
Jer’s character was more leaning toward that dude from Linkin Park who thought
he was a real rapper.

The drawn out ending was really put there to test the listeners ability to put up with how bad music can be. Jer made that and I remember thinking he was a crazy person when he first played it for me. But it made sense in respect to the kinda song we just made. The addition of the “I think I’m going crazy” line from “Insane in the membrane” is probably my favorite part of the song.

Jer wrote: for this one I brought out my old gibson explorer metallica guitar and played all the parts on the 8 track. I used the bass effects to simulate bass but its actually a guitar as well. Then I sampled it into the mpc, added drums and samples and sequenced it there. Then I put the sequenced instrumental track back on the br8 as a stereo track. So the music took up 2 tracks of the 8 so actually all the vocals for every song except poetry, peter pan, and “here comes the rock”, we could only use 6 vocal tracks. That’s pretty interesting considering all of our crazy layered singing outros. It was a bit of a puzzle to fit everything in and mix it down for our more complex songs like beer, shoulda known, 80’s, back days, etc.

Be My Lady
Obviously, This is a Ja-rule and Nelly parody. It was pretty straight forward. At the time, they were the only thing playing on the radio and I wished them harm on a daily basis.
An interesting detail of this song is that jer’s character is actually a girl…or a hermaphrodite. Whatever the case, he/she has tits and a clit.

I shoulda known

We made this song pretty soon after the R-Kelly scandal. It had been done for a while and then, right before the album was released, Dave Chappelle did his famous “piss on you” skit on the Chappelle show. Sufficed to say, we were both a little bummed that someone beat us to it on a larger scale. But, fuck it, our song was more than just that one joke so we both stood by it.
The original idea was to take the concept of syrupy R&B music and show a darker side. A side where things go terribly wrong. Where romantic quests become a nightmare.
But, more than anything, we wanted to straddle that line of how graphic some of these songs got under the guise of being romantic.
For instance , one of the grossest lines to me in this song (full of gross lines) was when I say “So we got into here house and temperatures rose, we made out for a while and I sucked on her toes”. A line after, a hairy dick flops out but that toes sucking visual always stuck with me more…cause I was sucking the toes of a man.
While the first verse is a cautionary tale of being fooled by a transexual.that had regretful tones in it, the second was an unrepentant look into the eyes of a pedophile. While the character does feel a little bummed that the girl he boned was 13, it still didn’t stop him from literally taking a shit on her.

Jer and I have this thing we got into, while making these songs, where we always wanted to close any song with singing out in these elaborate rounds of harmonies. Pretty much every singing song we did on this album has one. This one was completely retarded. At 4:31, we are literally singing “Listen to the switch now, riiiiiiiiight now. Ohhhhh yeahhh right now” and then we switch.

Jer wrote: To get my voice for this song, I channeled Usher’s voice from “you got it bad” which I had been hearing a lot on the radio back then at my shitty doctors office file clerk job. I hated(hate) that song and I wanted to mock Usher by making him a bit more Kermit the frogish. I worked really hard on the track for this song and it is all played with no samples. I really like the triumphant ending which we blessed with amazing singing.

Word up

Making fun of spoken word poetry is probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done. This entire “Piece” was actually a reworked version of something I did in a skit on our old Public access show. At the time, it was improvised but this version was that improv rewritten and refined.
Jer and I also take a few shots at Free jazz on this album, and this was one of them. The music in the background was basically jer just bugging out with a bunch of random crap he had in his crib.

Beer

Jer and I both went to college in Massachusetts. Prior to going there, I don’t think either of us knew real deal frat bro’s existed. Well, obviously, they had a profound effect on us. So much so that we made a song about them. They loved beer, date rape and Bob Marley. This one wasn’t making fun of any specific genre at the time but, strangely enough, it’s not far off from what Asher Roth was doing a half a decade later (except he’s serious).
My character , who unintentionally sounded like Eric Cartman, was meant to be the main dipshit. Like the blonde asshole in every 80’s college movie. Think Johnny from “The Karate Kid” but in charge of a frat.
Jer’s character was straight up boston frat dude BRO.
Like many of the songs on this album, this one is basically a well crafted 5 minute gay joke. But, it’s about frats, so, what do you expect?
Also, the vocal clips in the end (they start around 4:26) are from a super old skit we made for out public access about, you guessed it, date raping, frat bro’s who are probably gay.

Chapstick

Nerd rap was something that had beginning to show it’s head around that time. I made what many consider nerd rap at that time but, in reality, the nerd rap I’m talking about was very removed from the hip hop I listened to or made. It was this ironic, hipstery shit that played on insecurity and embraced things like having a weak voice and a off beat flow. It just wasn’t my shit.
Anyway, so this song was our version of that.
Now, everyone who’s aware of Paul Barmen figured out that Jer’s “Mc Noel Wiessman” is a play on Barman…but here’s something you didn’t know…Prior to the making of this song, Jer had never heard a Paul Barman verse. So, that spot on impression is the result of me EXPLAINING what Paul Barman sounded like.

I Am

This was a bit of a curveball. It was a take off on the Depeche mode style of new wave music. The thing is, unlike other song parodies on the album, we didn’t use the genre as the joke. It was more a platform to write a song about the different types of people out there. We felt there was a defined difference between someone being an asshole, a dipshit and dickhead. This song is a detailed explanation.
This is another song with a subtle free jazz diss that no one has ever caught (as far as I know). in the second verse Jer sings “I get inspired by free Jazz” and the background singer replace the “Oh-ah” with “sun-ra”. I dunno why I was so wanting to shit on free jazz at the time but I’d guess it comes from sampling all sorts of records and having to listen through countless hours of atonal bullshit that got passed off as “free jazz”.
I might also add that this is my favorite song on the album. The singing at the end was not only really fucking hard to do, but it’s one of my favorite musical moments I’ve ever been involved with. Go figure.

Jer Wrote:
for that one I used my dads old dx7 keyboard which was actually from the 80’s along with live guitar with a bass effect. And sampled parts of 80’s drum beats. A lot of artist used the dx7 in the 80’s so it had an authentic 80’s feel.

Peter Pan

This one has a funny story behind it.
So, Jer was over at my crib one day and we’re supposed to record some parts for “Cream dreams”. However, I came down with strep throat so it was a no go. Having time to kill, Jer opted to shit himself in a room, smoke a blunt and just make some random shit up. I left him alone and went to lay in bed and feel bad for myself. While there, he’d call up and ask me random questions about what kind of clothing the little prince might wear. I honestly was so sick I thought I might have been hallucinating but, it turns out I wasn’t.
About 3 hours later, Jer emerged from the living room with this song. This was 100% Jer. I can’t really even put it into words. All I can say is that i was singing it to myself the rest of the week.
When it came time to put the album together, we had this song kinda laying around. We both wanted to somehow put it on the album but didn’t really know how one earth it would fit. We said fuck it, and just made it a “Demo” , working within the confines of the whole A&R story of the album. I think we both thought it would get cut cause it made no sense in the context of the album…but it didn’t.
Honestly, the fact that that song was pressed and sold in stores is one of the most proud memories of I have of the entire album.

Jer wrote:
I don’t really remember how I decided to make that song. I do know that once the idea got going It all came together very naturally and if you listen to the last chorus the “rauwly rauwly” have a much stronger RR. Half way through making it I realized I really liked a strong “Rauwly”. I used the ghetto effects on my digital 8 track(br8) for some of the layered voices and that’s why it sounds kinda creepy. In fact I think it was the same effect that I used to make my kid voice a little higher in “after school special” also creepy indeed. I liked fucking with the br8 effects. There were a hand full that I thought were pretty good.

Back N Da Daiz
This was the first song jer and I ever made. The original was recorded around 95 on my cassette four track. The whole idea was taking the piss out of the ever popular “back in the days” songs that were everywhere in hip hop. Instead of just copying the concept , we opted to make it super white. Just Jer and I remembering the good old days on the porch. The first verse was an obvious set up by being overly sweet and trite. The second verse reveals us as truly terrible people who would rape dolphins and molest our nieces.
The line “but you know what was awesome?
going to Barbados and murdering that dolphin.
Cutting up it’s meat and selling it to the locals
but before we cut it up we stuck our dicks in it’s blow hole”
was actually the only thing we changed from the original version, when we rerecorded it for the album. The original version had a line about setting homeless people on fire and pissing out the flame. I honestly don’t know why we changed it. Perhaps that was too much? who knows. I doubt it.

Here comes the rock

This was the outro rock song. BAsically, this some song Jer and I made completely shit faced before we went out to a party one night. It was totally improvised (which is pretty clear) and , to this day, cracks me up more than most things on this album.

JEr wrote: This was just a one take freestyle in terms of lyrics, and the drums are just one of the shitty beats that the br8 comes with. I was happy to show off my corny rock guitar solo skills as well.

Jer also added about the two stars of the album, A&R guys LArs Heighmale and Stephen Richardson:
I think some people thought that our running skit of the 2 douche bag lable guys going through demos slowed down the album, but I stand by the skits and I think they’re even funnier today. I think using those characters helped us gain real crazy cultish followers which I think is cool. We worked our asses off editing those down and I think a few of them could be a little shorter but I really enjoy hearing them every now and then. We did another skit of these great men a few years ago for a yameen compilation and it was so easy to pick up right were we left off years ago. In fact I think it was maybe easier and funnier. Its good to know Lars and Steven still dwell somewhere within us
Here are the more recent clips of Lars and Stephen:


There were also a handful of songs that never made the album for various reasons. here are some thoughts on those, as well as a download link:
http://www.mediafire.com/?rmdnzluyoum

1)After school special

This is a song Jer and i made when we were VERY high. it’s the story of a teacher and his young student and it’s pretty much the creepiest song ever made. the beauty of it is there is not a single curse word in it yet it most likely will make your skin crawl by the time you’re half way through it. this one didn’t make the album cause, well, it just didn’t. it didn’t fit into the theme of the album and , honestly, it even creeps me out and i made it.

2)your vagina

This song was made right around the time john mayer was just getting big. neither jer nor myself understood why this terrible singer was getting so much love over his overly sappy love declarations. so, we made our own john mayer song. this was actually made after the album was finished so it didn’t make the cut. too bad though cause it would’ve fit nicely on the album.

3)Mesozoic 7

this song is jer and I poking fun at rap where rappers about rap but in an old school way. primarily jurassic 5. to clarify, i don’t have any issue with J5′s music. i own their early ep on vinyl. love the beats bah blah blah…but it was so easy to make fun of the whole “I heart hip hop!” crowd, so we did it. this one got left off the album cause people who knew J5 thought it might not be taken with a chuckle. apparently, those guys are some real dudes who might not be so into two white assholes from NYC making fun of them. fair enough. it didn’t make the album. i always felt it wasn’t that serious and the song isn’t on some “ether” shit. it’s pretty playful. but whatever, you got it now.

4)cream dreams

If you look at the album cover of “let’s get serious” you’ll notice me in the lower left corner looking like fat freddie mercury. this is because “Cream dreams” was a late pull off the album. “cream dreams” is a gay song. literally. it’s tongue in cheek to the max and , honestly, i don’t see how it could be considered THAT offensive to anyone who doesn’t take themselves way too seriously. my gay friends love it but i suppose that doesn’t mean shit.
this song got pulled cause some people felt it would cause an uproar of “def jux is homophobic!”. looking back, it’s funny cause, not enough people heard the album to be in an uproar about anything. in fact, had there been an uproar, i imagine the album would’ve sold a lot better. whatever the case, i do understand why they pulled this song. i don’t think it was necessary but that’s the nature of the business. safety first. this song remains a favorite amongst my friends though and that’s more important anyway.
Jer Added:
Tony re-made this beat and then once we recorded vocs I took the track home and added some effects to take it to the next level. Like the phone ringing, dial tone, hang up sound, and maybe something else. We really wanted to make the listener feel like they were in the room as gene got triple teamed. Maybe that’s why our label got scared of putting it out.

5)gertrude

Man..this song…Jer and i set out to make the most offensive song ever and i think we did pretty well. the whole idea was to take sappy r&b balladry and flip it on it’s ass by making the crooners the most despicable humans alive. this song was rightfully left off the album and , when i was informed of it, i didn’t question it for a second. it’s fucking horrible. but it’s also fucking awesome.
on a side note, i’ve played my mom this song. her response was “why did you have to kill her in the end?” fair play to you mom, fair play.

Well, that’s that. I hope you enjoyed that walk down memory lane. I sure did.

Trending Topics vol. 67


This week, Tim and I discuss some NAB debacles, Miley Cyrus and give respect to the gawd Steve Guttenberg. I believe this is the second week in a row (or two out of the last 3) that I’m putting up a Miley Cyrus pic, and I apologize for that but I have my reasons.
1)She’s the only girl in the top ten who’s not Michelle Obama and Kourtney Kardashian
2)I reference this pic in my mini rant
3)Her tits are fake, right?
I swear…I don’t want to have to do this…But I do.
http://www.syffal.com/tim-tebow-michelle-obama-trending-topics-67

Answers for questions Vol. 63


So, I just got back from poland last night and I slept for like 12 hours. I feel like a jet lagged crack head right now so hopefully these though will be semi-lucid.
As always, send me more questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Remember, be interesting with the questions…this isn’t a job interview.

I was wondering what your thoughts were on this interview:

I think it’s funny and probably somewhat accurate but wanted to hear your take on the whole gay rappers thing: Have you worked with any yourself? Do you think there will every be a mainstream successful gay rapper? Do you think their already are? Is it one of those things where people within the industry know who the gay rappers are but it doesn’t go public?

That video was fairly eye-opening cause I feel like, had this been about 10 years ago, Fat Joe wouldn’t have been so peaceful about that topic. I’m glad to see he’s accepted the reality of gayness in 2011. It always blows my mind when people still get weirded out or mad about it. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere and don’t have interaction with people or media, I sincerely don’t understand how a person can still be crazy homophobic without being a fucking moron. I’m not saying you have to not think it’s gross or whatever (cause that’s a natural reaction a lot of men are gonna have) but “hating” a person cause of their sexual preference is completely ridiculous.
As for the sub-questions, I don’t think I’ve ever worked with someone who is gay. I mean, it’s possible but none that I was aware of.
I dunno if there will ever be a mainstream gay rapper in the near future. The fact is, it’s still too gross a thing to a lot of men out there to handle. Especially , the teen-mid 20’s generation. If there was, his gayness would ahve to be a side bar, not the main event. Like, he couldn’t be like the “Lil Kim” of gay rappers, talking about blowing dudes. He’d have to simply be gay but be a dope rapper first and foremost.
It wouldn’t shock me if a decent amount of some of the more popular rappers out there are actually gay, but the idea of a super successful out gay rapper seems like a long shot to me.

as an artist does it bother you when people take your music without your permission to use in stuff like student films or maybe create their own music video?
Not at all. As long as the person has no intent on making money off the project, than anyone can use anything of mine. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it, wanna watch it or really give a shit in general but there’s no harm in using it.

Is there anything worse than an insecure person who is a dork in high school/college, and moves to Williamsburg to “find themself” (a.k.a. purposefully living in squalid conditions and working shitty jobs, hanging out with shitty people like them, continuing the insecurity spiral, etc.)?

I mean, technically, there are lots of things WAY worse than that. AIDS, Child Molesters, Cancer, terrible parents, rapists, Evangelical christians, murderers, ect…
But, to answer your question, yes, these people are annoying. Still, it’s also part of growing up. Let these motherfuckers try to “find themselves”. You gotta do it at some point right? All I ask is that they don’t start talking to me , a native new yorker, like they’re from here just cause they’re lived on Bedford ave for a year. Other than that, good for them and I hope their organic bird feed store/ motorcycle garage idea works out.

When is the world going to receive the gift of more Sir Jarlsberg.

For those who don’t know, this question is referring to this:
https://phatfriend.com/2010/01/11/sir-jarlsburg-will-change-your-life/
I think his albums pretty much done and he’s working on his live show. He also just filmed a video for one of his songs and it’s getting edited at this very moment. I’m pretty psyched about all of it and I will surely be letting you all know as each thing happens.

If you could shit-faced drunk with any famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
Hmm…I feel like Bill Murray would be up there. He seems like a fun drunk.
Shit it might be fun to get Martin Luther King Jr. shitfaced just to see what kinda shit he’d pop. Same with Ghandi. I’m a fan of making really good-natured people talk shit when they’re drunk so that would be a perfect fit for me.
Also, if it means I could potentially hit it, there are a ton of hot pieces of ass throughout history I’d hypothetically get drunk and take advantage of.

Whats the worst city in America?

In terms of sheer ghettoness, Detroit is the illest I’ve seen. I wouldn’t say it’s the worst in the sense that the people are shitty though. In fact, most downtrodden cities tend to breed really cool motherfuckers. Detroit, certain parts of Ohio, Baltimore…Everyone I know from in and around those places are cool as fuck , so, in that sense, they’re kinda the best.
As for my least favorite…Probably some deep southern city where I feel like an alien. Anytime I’ve been to cities in the deep south, it’s been fine but there is an air of discomfort for me there. It’s a different world than what I’m used to.

Whats your biggest fear?

That’s a tough one. I’d say, becoming immobile. Like being crippled and not being able to use my body would be the worst. I’ve often said, if that does happen to me and , all that’s working is my brain, just roll my ass off a bridge cause I don’t think one can go from being totally active in their life to being a shitting and pissing thought machine. Maybe it’s just me…but that would be too devastating to live through. (knock on wood)

Hey –

I was wondering what inspired the Downtown Science album cover and who created it for you. It’s simple but I like it. And the the album is one of my favorites by the way.

Thanks, bro.
As for the art, it was done by Brad “Bisco” Smith.

He’s a rapper/artist who was down with a bunch of people I knew at the time I was putting together “Downtown Science”. Really good dude. Anyway, the idea behind it was just taking pics of downtown NYC and giving them more life. The album was an ode to where I grew up so that’s the basic gist of it.

Thoughts on Biggie’s rapping? Thoughts on his album Ready to Die?

This question reeks of baiting…
anyway, Biggie was a great rapper. I’ve always considered his skill better than his actual output. That said, he’s never really ranked in my top 5 or anything but ,it’s hard to tell cause he died so young.
As for “Ready to Die” , to me, it’s a really good but not great album. Honestly, it’s not the rapping that makes me say that, it’s some of the beats. I’m too much a stickler for that kinda shit and I found a decent amount of the production on it to be kinda boring. Still, there are a bunch of classic songs on there and he kills it throughout the whole album.

A beat that didn’t make the cut


Normally, I’d be doing my song of the day today but I’m in poland and don’t feel like sifting through my i-tunes to find something that might work. Instead, I give you a treat.
As you may know, I’ve finished my new album and I’m awaiting word on when it will be released. Most definitely in 2012 , but I’m not 100% when. Anyway, any time you make an album, there’s always a few things that get left on the cutting room floor. This “song” (I put it in quotes cause it’s really just a loosely sequenced beat) was initially gonna be a part of another song but it just didn’t mesh well with either that song or the rest of the album. To be honest, it was a little too silly.
So, instead of just letting it collect dust, I figure I’d just give it away here cause, hey, why the fuck not? If you don’t like it, that’s cool cause it was free…and what kind of asshole gets mad at free things? A cheap asshole…that’s who.
So, here it is. Short and sweet…
Mad as hell By Blockhead
http://limelinx.com/files/ca0b75648e64cc105cf4c1507492eed3

Old virgins are creepy


http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/virgin-diaries-practice-makes-perfect.html
(for some reason I can’t figure out the embed function…so you’re gonna have to click it…sorry!)

If you’ve been on the internet for the last week or so, you’ve very likely seen the clip of the two virgins sharing their first kiss over , after taking each others hands in marriage. While the kiss itself is more uncomfortable than a thousand erotic back rubs from your drunken uncle , there is a certain sweetness to it. It harkens back to a time when you were younger…you know, like 12 or 13 years old. When the playing field was even for all cause the majority of kids that age are virgins with little or no sexual history. I remember that moment of teeth banging into each other as I nervously fumbled through my first kiss. It was horrible and beautiful at the same time (more relieving that anything, really). But here’s the thing, I was a child. Childhood is all about these kind of discoveries. It’s during that time when people learn the most basic parts of sexual interaction. Granted, that interaction eventually will often turn into all sorts of foul shit, but it’s beginnings are basically innocent.
This is why I’ve always been bugged out by old virgins. It’s like people who didn’t have a childhood. Now, there are a few exceptions to this rule where being an old virgin is not totally strange:
1)If you’re religious and think you should wait till marriage, more power to you. i think you’re crazy but you 100% have the right to live you life the way you see fit.

2)If you were sexually abused or raped as a child. I can easily see how this might turn one sour to all things intimate. while that kinda thing tends to work the opposite and these victims often act out the other way, there are other girls/boys who just go into a sexual cocoon after something as horrible as that happens.

3)Some medical condition like your vagina is inside out or something. I dunno if that exists but I know girls and guys can both have problems down there that are beyond their control.

4)You are just really terrible looking and no one will fuck you. If this is the case, I’m sorry. But, at the same time, there comes a time when you just gotta bite the bullet and pay for sex. If you’re 30 years old, desperately wanting to fuck someone (anyone) and it’s looking bleak for the future, make an investment in yourself. There’s no shame in that. You deserve it.

Other than those four reasons, any other one I can think of is rooted in fear and insecurity. I can relate to this. I lost my virginity when I was 16. A good amount of my friends had already done it and I was eager to just get it out of the way. Granted, I was also a living and breathing boner (as most 16 year olds are) but the idea of going through with the act was both exciting and terrifying. When I eventually did it, i was pretty drunk and the girl who did it with me was no novice. I’d be lying if I said it was very special but , hey, it counted and that’s all that mattered to me.
The thing is, I feel like those kind of emotions are normal for teenagers. It’s like you gotta just get things out of the way so you can eventually enjoy them later. For girls, this is especially true. Losing your Virginity for girls sounds like hell. I was always bugged out by guys who prided themselves on taking a girls V-card. That’s the last thing I’d ever wanna do. It’s like “what’s that? really awkward sex where the other person is whimpering in pain and you have to stop and start a lot just to eventually bust a nut of despair? SIGN ME UP!”.
All these feelings are part of growing up. So, when you take someone who’s like 25+ and has never had sex, things get weird. First off, that pressure you once felt as a kid about sex was never released. It’s just been building more and more over time. This only gets worse the longer they wait. These people start to gather all these negative feelings towards sex that they can’t even really understand cause they’ve never done it in the first place.
Basically, they make it more important than it needs to be. In most cases of people I know who lost their virginities late the response has been either “Oh, that’s it?” or “why the fuck did I wait so long?!?!”. I don’t think I’ve ever met an old virgin ,who was a virgin for no reason, who was like “phew, glad I wasn’t doing this thing 5 years ago!”. It’s one of those things , like getting drunk or smoking weed for the first time, where you do it and , all of a sudden, everything makes sense. Now you see why certain people act the way they do. Now you understand why people are in shitty relationships or why people do down low things. Cause sex is awesome. Sex is a powerful thing while, at the same time, really not that serious. I suppose it’s only as serious as you make it. It dictates many things we do in life (and makes babies) but the act itself is just some carnal desire being acted out. Basically, like the great Ray Parker Jr. once said in the theme to “Ghostbusters”- “Bustin’ makes me feel good”.

If it feels good and isn’t harming you or the person involved, why deny yourself that? I know there are plenty of reasons people might give me in response to that question but I still contend they’re mostly steeped in fear and emotional weakness. If you can’t “handle” the idea of sharing something that intimate with another person, fine. But realize, you’re kinda fucked in the head. It has everything to do with your problems and nothing to do with the act of intercourse.

Explaining this to a virgin is like trying to explain why hamburgers taste good to a lifelong vegan. It’s something they’re not gonna understand until they actually try it for themselves.

So, to all you old virgins out there, what are you waiting for really? You’re not special. Your penis or vagina is also not special. Put that thing to work and stop being a little hoe about it.

Poll: Milk Versus Dark Chocolate. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.


Continuing in a long line of questions that need to answered, I bring you the final frontier. Milk Vs. Dark Chocolate.
It’s no secret that many of these polls I have done have been revelations in worlds I didn’t know existed…from dry guys to standing wipers to people who actually enjoy the holidays…I’ve been wrong all over the place. I wouldn’t be shocked if this topic followed suit.
Now, I am firmly on the milk side of this debate. My reasoning? Milk chocolate taste better in every possible way. Pretty simple, really. I often find the Dark chocolate people have this snobbish air about them. Like they’re tasting something I’m not. As if, only a child could enjoy milk chocolate cause dark chocolate is so rich and intellectual. First off, you can all suck my milk chocolate dick. Secondly, as a person who loves food and doesn’t consider myself to have a particularly unadventurous pallet, I can say that dark chocolate is bitter. Sorry, it is. And if I’m eating dessert, I want sweet. That sweet being creamy, is a bonus. However, i’m also not a coffee drinker, so take that with a grain of bitter ass salt.
Milk Chocolate is often said to be “too sweet”. But it’s not like we’re eating it for dinner. it’s dessert. It’s a candy bar. It’s M&M’s. I will admit that dark chocolate is more useful outside of desserts and candy. It can actually be used in actual dinner courses…but this isn’t about it’s usefulness. This is about, if I give you two chocolate bars. One is milk and the other is dark…Which do you choose?

Answers for Questions vol. 62


Hello to all. Another installment of you 3rd favorite weekly entry!
I’m going to Poland tomorrow but I think I got enough shit mapped out to cover this week. Perhaps even a write up of my trip to poland. It’ll be like a mental slide show, yo.
As always, send more questions to my email: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Also, I’m accepting “ask dr. Tony” questions. Need love advice? Life advice? I’m that dude. I swear.
Anyway, here we go…

I do not consider myself a hiphop snob, although I would like to think my tastes are not awful.. Recently I have had the urge to listen to the waka flocka flame song “karma” over and over.. I know it’s not deep and terrible lyrically, but I love it none the less. I am 32, have a decent job, family, would consider myself not to be a total idiot. two questions here.. 1.Should I kill myself? 2. Do you have any AWFUL guilty hiphop pleasures you would like to share?

I say submit to your urges. I can’t fuck with Waka Flocka but I understand the desire to wanna just say “fuck it” and listen to some fun dumb shit. I remember when , sometime in the late 90’s , i started to let my hip hop snob purist guard down a little an just embrace music that’s fun. Since then, it’s made music a lot more enjoyable for me. Granted, I still have those moments where I’ll hear something that so offends my soul (Black eye peas or “teach me how to dougie” type shit) that it brings back that purist rage, but dumb shit like Waka Flocka? Why not. I’m way more annoyed by when music is mediocre. I’d rather something be over the top terrible than middling cause at least it’s bringing out something in me.
As for my guilty hip hop pleasures, It’s hard to say. I mean, to some, ASAP Rocky would be considered a guilty pleasure. I listen to Suga Free a lot butI don’t feel very guilty about it. Is group Home a guilty Pleasure? Noreaga? Really depends who you’re asking. Cause , to your average hip hop purist, most rap made after 2002 is garbage.

Who’s your favorite member of these groups/labels?
Wu Tang

Now-Ghostface
when they came out- Meth and Deck
Odd Future
Earl
Tribe
Tip (seriously? who the fuck is gonna pick anyone else?)
De La
Pos
Might as well say native tongues as a whole
Jungle brothers but based entirely off their first two albums. Longevity has definitely not been their strong suit.
X Clan
Brother J
Alkaholiks
Tash
Run DMC
Run
Beastie Boys
Ad-Rock
Geto Boys
Willie D
Death Row
Snoop

how funny is it that you had the myspace question blog, retired it, and pretty much carried it over here?

Yeah. It’s my cross to bear. The good thing about doing it this way is I have control over what I answer. Back on myspace anyone could write whatever they wanted and I’d have to just deal with it. Sometimes people would take it upon themselves to write long opinion pieces on topics asked to me, as if anyone gave a shit what random myspace rapper from North Dakota thought about anything. That always pissed me off. Not to mention the FAQ’s that happened endlessly even though they were posted on the front page.
But, really, I like answering questions and it’s easy content for this blog. Win-win.

saw this from mero’s site and it made me think of the corny, not-actually from brooklyn people who come in and do a show at a soy deli and pachouli outlet and the next day they’re back in farm-town on the local 1-hour per week hip hop show yellin’ “bee-kay, son!” and acting like they sold heroin with jay-z and just did a raw show in the same brooklyn biggie grew up in:

90% OF BROOKLYN IS SO SOFTINGTON YOU COULD GO CAMPING ON THE STREET IN A TENT MADE OUTTA MACBOOKS AND EUROS AND WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY CHILLIN AND EAT A VEGAN OMELETTE & SHIT LIKE THAT B. NAHMEAN LIKE THE MOST DANGEROUS THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO YOU IS YOUR COKE DEALER WANTING TO KICK IT AT YOUR CRIB AND WATCH YOU BLOW THAT MOUSE UP YOUR NASAL WHILE HE SMOKES A BLUNT, AND HIS BABY MOMS TRACKS HIM WITH THAT IPHONE FINDING SHIT AND TRIES TO BEAT YOU UP…BUT GETS ARRESTED OD FAST CUZ YOU LIVE ACROSS FROM SOME NIGGAS WHO’S THE NEPHEW OF ANNA WINTOUR OR SOME RICH NIGGA SHIT.

what to do with these people?

Mero is the best. everyone should go to his site. It’s way funnier than mine:
http://victory-light.blogspot.com/
I’m afraid we just gotta deal with it. The transformation of certain parts of brooklyn has been crazy for those of us who remember it when it wasn’t nice. Shit, I remember Williamsburg in the Mid-90’s. It fucking sucked. Now it’s super expensive and full of people who were the Artsy kids in their midwest high school. That’s fine and all but Mero isn’t lying. The shit is pretty soft.
I could complain about it “losing it’s edge” but, to be honest, I never fucked with BK that much enough to care. Nowadays, it’s a good place to go to eat and get drunk. It’s certainly filled with dipshits who have lived in NY for 8 months and think they’re all of a sudden the first people to ever live here but whatever…I look at williamsburg as a really big college campus thats fun to visit and a great place to acquire HPV.

what’s your take on the acceptable age difference for hook-ups (young and old)?
Well, there are couple differences…there’s the “Dating” age difference and the “fucking” age difference.
First off, lemme say, people can date whoever they want. If you’re 42 and find a 20 year old you really get along with, good for you. I call bullshit on that “connection” being anything more than attraction, but good for you.
However, in general, I would personally say it’s hard for a dude in his mid 30’s to really want to settle down with a girl in her early/mid 20’s. I’m not saying it’s impossible but the reality of the age difference would be a bit much for me. I feel like a young girl not knowing what I’m referencing half the time would be tiring and hearing her talk about whatever stupid shit is cool now would also be tiring.
Lemme break it down like this,

For Men fucking women:
You can fuck anyone over 18. If you’re 38 and fucking 18 year olds, you’re kind of a creep but you CAN do that. Personally, the youngest I’d technically go , sexually, is maybe like 23. I’m 35. Even that feels weird though. As for oldness, I don’t think that matters for men. I definitely wouldn’t wanna fuck a 60 year old. I’m not into older women though so I’m the wrong guy to ask. I feel as if younger men have free reign over older women. It’s not even taboo like older men fucking younger women. You can fuck as old a woman as you find attractive.

For women fucking men:
Over 18 (though no 17 year old’s gonna be bummed if some hot 24 year old wants to blow him). If a woman is 35 and wants to fuck a 20 year old, do it. Why would you not? The only downside to an older woman fucking a 20 year old boy is that he’s a 20 year old boy. It will be brief and clumsy. Though, I suppose that’s a fair trade for women who just want lots of attention and no body hair.
As for how old a guy can be for a woman, I suppose it’s as old as she can stomach. If you’re a 22 year old girl and you actually want to have sex with a 50 year old man (not named George Clooney) then go for it. You’ve got fucking problems and should probably talk to your dad more, but go for it.

For men dating women:
Personally, They have to be within 10 years of me. 25 and up. If I was younger, that number would shrink to like 5 years. I suppose the older you get the bigger that number gets but I feel like 10 is a safe range. In the olden days they had that equation for love where you’re supposed to marry a girl half you age plus 7. That’s cute and all but it can be a little suspect if you do the math. Like a 40 year old should probably not be dating a 27 year old.

For women dating men:
Do whatever you want. Like I said, young girls who date really old girls have issues but that’s just how it is.

Yo Blockhead,
I was just blasting the radio – wisconsin public – and your music was used as segue during the national news. Maybe not so strange. Where is the oddest place your music has been used?

I’ve heard my music pop up in random places a few times. Urban Outfitters. Tons of Tea/coffee shops. But the one that bugged me out most was when I was eating a high end sushi place and one of my songs came on. It wasn’t that they played it but it was the music that was playing before and after it. It was like cool jazz fusion elevator music. I mean, it’s cool they played my shit but definitely kinda humbling that i fit in along side the worst music on the fucking planet.

if yr food had to be undercooked or overcooked, which one would you choose?

Depends what the food is. I mean, if the undercooked food is going to make me sick, I’m not gonna eat it.
That said, i’m a guy who likes my steaks rare so , as long as it’s edible, I can rock with undercooked.

small girls. There’s this amazingly hot thai girl I work with but she’s like 4’11 and looks like my pinky would be too much to handle. Any thoughts/experience?

I’ve always loved short girls. 4’11 is pushing it but so what? Unless you’re like 6’4” in which there might be a problem with the equipment fitting.
I think I’ve told this story on here a few times but, fuck it…
One of my sisters is married to this french dude. He’s awesome and kinda crazy. When I was about 14 , he told me to always fuck short girls cause “they’re easy to move around on”. At the time, I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about as I was busy beating off 7 times a day to the thought of a girl even touching my penis. Later on in life though, it clicked. Unfortunately, what also clicked was that my sister is 5’1” and he was talking to me about fucking her. So, that was a bittersweet moment of discovery and disgust.

Song of the day 12/2/11


Wake up By Danny Brown and Black Milk
http://limelinx.com/files/81b75f34a8bcf067a488ff01e9bd8d46
This is a little delayed but I’ve been slacking on listening to new music. Finally got my hands on the “Black and Brown” Ep, which is an album produced entirely by Black Milk with Danny brown Rapping on it. A real Detroit celebration.
Anyway, The Ep is great. I know a few people were thrown off by the experimental production on Danny Brown’s album “XXX” earlier this year , so this album is for those people. It’s Brown rapping over melodic, more traditional boom bap tracks. So, if that’s more your steeze and you were thrown off by “XXX”, this will be your savior. I personally like them both a lot so, to me, it’s just more Danny Brown for me to enjoy.
This dude has had some year, man…