F%ck/Marry/Kill Volume 8

Time for everyones favorite game of sex , murder and matrimony once again.
This one includes Cartoon women, TV mom’s and inanimate objects.
Well played, people.
Send me more ideas for who I should fuck, marry or kill to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Just a heads up, I will ignore them if they include any of the following people: Lady Gaga, Madonna, courtney love, nicki minaj, any female rappers, Katy perry, ect). All these women have been done to death (both literally and figuratively) so lets try and get a little creative, okay?
Also, I’ve added a new thing. “style of death” is how I would go about killing that person. Why not, right?
Now, on with the show.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Jem, Cheetara, Smurfette

Fuck: Cheetara

Is that wrong? I mean, I just googled pictures of her to refresh my memory as to what she looked like and , to be honest, she’s about as much of a cat as I am a monkey. So I’m gonna skip over those guilty feelings of beasteality. She basically looks like some williamsburg girl who does tons of pilates at a halloween party. Her body is insane and she’s straight up hot. The only reason I wouldn’t marry her is on the off chance that she is part cat cause I’m allergic to cats and , also, fuck cats.

Marry: Jem

Man, I never realized how much these cartoons influenced todays style. She looks like an annoying band girl but, like Cheetara, she’s a piece of ass. I’d really only marry her in the situation cause that’s kinda where she lands in this formula. I would just hope that she’s not a super annoying band girl who would want me to watch her “jam” with her shitty friends all the time and make me go to her gigs at Arlene’s grocery at 1 am on tuesday nights. If she can not be like that, I think we could have a fine life together.

Kill: Smurfette

Here’s the problem with smurfette. I’m not about to marry someone I could lose in a closet and , if I were to fuck her, I’d kill her anyway. I mean, maybe a little duct tape might prolong her life but she’s the size of two apples…it’s just not gonna work. So, instead of making her go out that way, I’d just let her down easy.

Style of death:
Maybe I’d throw her off a tall building or something. At least her final moments would be exciting.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:Salt, pepa, spinderella

Kill: Salt

Ten years ago, i wouldn’t have put her here but I saw that reality show with her on it and she was annoying as fuck. She’s super religious and uptight about everything. Not my steeze at all. In her younger years, she was always the one I wanted to bone the most but , of course, she found god and got boring so, really, there’s no use for her in this situation. (but i will admit, she’s still the cutest so I feel like i deserve points for not going the easy route)

Style of death: I’d drop a bible on her head from 25 stories up.

Marry: Spinderella

I always thought she had the prettiest face of the group. Granted , she’s a bit large and could probably be a power forward in the WNBA , but still, she seemed mellow and in control. Those are two qualities I hold highly in women. Plus, she could tour with me as my DJ. It makes so much sense.

Fuck: Pepa

I’d be a little scared to fuck her at first. I mean, she could no doubt kick my ass. She’s big and strong…but she’s in good shape. Admittedly, I didn’t pick the best pic for her but I’m too lazy to find one where she doesn’t look like manly…but I trust, in real life , she doesn’t. Also, judging from her reality show, it’s been a while. She’d be very appreciative. Granted, I wouldn’t be swinging chains around and holding a machete to her neck during sex like I’m sure Treach was , but hey, variety is the spice of life.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Miho Hitori, Bjork, Yolandi from Die Antword

Kill: Bjork

Shocking, I know…But I only put her here cause she’s gotten old and is not the same Bjork she once was. She was once adorable but I’ve never really though of her as a sexual being (so that cancels out sex) and she’s just a bit too weird for me to marry. So, as talented as she is, she’s gotta go. Sorry Bjork.

Style of death: I’d make her eat icelandic fermented shark meat until her heart stopped (it would be a quick death, as that shit is disgusting).

Marry: Miho Hitori

I honestly don’t know much about her or her music. But I googled her and she seems like the most normal of the bunch. She’s not crazy hot but she’s cute enough…So, by default, I suppose I’d marry her. Worst case scenario, she’d be really boring.

Fuck: Yolandi

Truth be told, I think most guys secretly wanna have sex with this little creature. Stupid haircut aside, she’s strangely sexy. She’s also completely insane which could really pay off for a one time sexual encounter. My only fear would be that she was into some crazy shit I’m not ready for. The last thing you want when boning a girl is for her relentlessly trying to stuff things in your ass which scratching the shit out of you. I could see her being one of those types…but it’s worth the risk.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:Peggy Bundy, Mrs Garret, Claire Huckstable

Kill: Mrs Garret

I mean this is a softball pitch to babe ruth. Come one…You couldn’t even give me the mom from Growing pains? OF COURSE I’m killing Mrs. Garret. He foots halfway out the door of life as it is. She’s a sweet old lady but unless she’s doing laundry or cooking pot roasts, she’s of no use to anyone.

Style of death: I’d just let her die of natural causes. She’s that old.

Fuck: Peg Bundy

I always thought Peg Bundy was kinda hot. I get that you stop wanting to fuck the person you’ve been married to for 30 years but I don’t think Al appreciated what he had. She had big torpedo tits and a nice lean waist. That’s got “Fuck” written all over it. Also, much like Pepa, she’d be appreciative. I can’t tell you how far that can go.

Marry: Clair Huxtable

Aside from having a really great job and being an attractive older lady, she’s just kind of always been a “wife” to me. Not my wife, so much, but a wife. So , I can only envision her like that. Also, she’s gotta have a saucy side to her…after all, she had like 7 kids over the course of 15 years. If Cliff can keep going back to that honey pot, I don’t see why I wouldn’t either. We could put on some Grover Washington Jr , slip out of out body length pajama’s and see where the night takes us.

Fuck, Marry, Kill:Music By Cavelight,Downtown Science,Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book

It’s like you’re asking me to rank my babies…

Fuck: Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book

Fucking is fun. It doesn’t need to be this heady experience where your life is changed afterwards. This album is that. It’s fun and light, with a few intense moments but, overall, it’s a good time. I’d put my dick all up inside this album.

Marry: Music By Cavelight

You know, I already feel like I’m married to this album. It’s like that high school sweetheart that you can’t break up with cause of all the history you share. At this point, we’re an old married couple. I’m bored of her but the bond remains.
More importantly, everyone else seems to be so fond of this album, it would be weird for me to kill her. So, as much as the flame is dwindling I suppose we’re gonna die together…married.

Kill: Downtown Science

I don’t wanna kill this album. I like this album. But , in this situation, it’s gotta go. I feel like it was often misunderstood and people were let down by the fact it wasn’t another “Music By Cavelight”. But that was kinda the point. SO, I’d put this one down gently knowing that it was what I wanted it to be…a little too strange for the passing listener but , in the larger scheme of things, a very nice piece on the overall puzzle.

Style of death: I suppose I’d just melt it down followed by an emotional burial ceremony for the ashes.

17 thoughts on “F%ck/Marry/Kill Volume 8

  1. nice!!!

    downtown science is my favorite album though!!!
    btw… whats with the bonus tracks on the vinyil? its there any way to get them?
    i´m too lazy to rip them to mp3

    • Bjork is looking fucking rough. She used to be hot right around when they played that human behavior video on MTV all the time. Time flies, and it has not been kind to her face.

  2. Wow, I wouldn’t want to know life without the opening bars to Expiration Date. As a whole, I think Downtown Science is your best work. I’m pretty disappointed in your decision. We should probably just break up. Dick.

    • Personally, “the music scene is easily my favorite but he didn’t put it in the equation.
      As for Downtown science, I like it fine. It’s just the least focused , in my eyes. It’s also the one that I get the most fans coming up to me at shows complaining about. Yes, fans complain about my music to me to my face at shows. It’s awesome.

      • Odd you think Downtown Science is your least focused. I find that one to be your most theme driven album, each track really does play a part in how you see Manhattan from the romance to the shitty traffic.

      • It’s more a case of me trying too many things. And , again, I can’t stress enough how I do like that album. I’m not one of these artists who hates everything I make. But it’s an album where i actively tried to rebel against “music by cavelight”. Things were a little harsher or sillier or unexpected. To me, that was cool. But to a large portion of my fans, it’s not what they wanted to hear. It’s easily my worst reviewed album. BY FAR.
        In reality, I wouldn’t “kill” any of my albums.

      • I really like the Music Scene, as well. I might give you a second chance….

        I can’t believe that people pay to see you and then complain to you about your music. You should do a post about the things people have said to you at shows. I love to hear about other people’s stupidity.

      • I don’t know where to search for it on here but I’ve definitely done one of those kinda posts a long time ago. People are truly amazing in how ridiculous they can be sometimes. I think people assume they know you cause they listen to your music and assume a comfort level in person that’s just not realistic.It’s as if they think they’re doing me a favor by being brutally honest when, in reality, I don’t know them at all or care about their opinions that I never asked for in the first place.

        Also, that hula hooping video is hilarious.

  3. People were let down by DTS!? What the hell is wrong with them, how can they even begin to dislike that album!? I am stunned by that. I too sort of ‘fuck’ the colouring book, because I stand no chance of ever gettin’hold of the vinyl and settling down to have kids with it.

  4. Ok, so Trailer Love is one of my boyfriend’s favorite songs. I googled it to take a listen b/c I’m at work and don’t have all my tunes here. To my great pleasure, I found this gem! Who knew hippos – I mean hippies – were into you?!


  5. alison brie, lauren stamile, gillian jacobs. community girls.
    aubrey plaza, rashida jones, alison becker. parks and rec girls
    jillian bell, maribeth monroe, nicky whelan. workaholics girls.

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