Time for everyones favorite game of sex , murder and matrimony once again.
This one includes Cartoon women, TV mom’s and inanimate objects.
Well played, people.
Send me more ideas for who I should fuck, marry or kill to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Just a heads up, I will ignore them if they include any of the following people: Lady Gaga, Madonna, courtney love, nicki minaj, any female rappers, Katy perry, ect). All these women have been done to death (both literally and figuratively) so lets try and get a little creative, okay?
Also, I’ve added a new thing. “style of death” is how I would go about killing that person. Why not, right?
Now, on with the show.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Jem, Cheetara, Smurfette
Is that wrong? I mean, I just googled pictures of her to refresh my memory as to what she looked like and , to be honest, she’s about as much of a cat as I am a monkey. So I’m gonna skip over those guilty feelings of beasteality. She basically looks like some williamsburg girl who does tons of pilates at a halloween party. Her body is insane and she’s straight up hot. The only reason I wouldn’t marry her is on the off chance that she is part cat cause I’m allergic to cats and , also, fuck cats.
Man, I never realized how much these cartoons influenced todays style. She looks like an annoying band girl but, like Cheetara, she’s a piece of ass. I’d really only marry her in the situation cause that’s kinda where she lands in this formula. I would just hope that she’s not a super annoying band girl who would want me to watch her “jam” with her shitty friends all the time and make me go to her gigs at Arlene’s grocery at 1 am on tuesday nights. If she can not be like that, I think we could have a fine life together.
Here’s the problem with smurfette. I’m not about to marry someone I could lose in a closet and , if I were to fuck her, I’d kill her anyway. I mean, maybe a little duct tape might prolong her life but she’s the size of two apples…it’s just not gonna work. So, instead of making her go out that way, I’d just let her down easy.
Style of death:
Maybe I’d throw her off a tall building or something. At least her final moments would be exciting.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Salt, pepa, spinderella
Ten years ago, i wouldn’t have put her here but I saw that reality show with her on it and she was annoying as fuck. She’s super religious and uptight about everything. Not my steeze at all. In her younger years, she was always the one I wanted to bone the most but , of course, she found god and got boring so, really, there’s no use for her in this situation. (but i will admit, she’s still the cutest so I feel like i deserve points for not going the easy route)
Style of death: I’d drop a bible on her head from 25 stories up.
I always thought she had the prettiest face of the group. Granted , she’s a bit large and could probably be a power forward in the WNBA , but still, she seemed mellow and in control. Those are two qualities I hold highly in women. Plus, she could tour with me as my DJ. It makes so much sense.
I’d be a little scared to fuck her at first. I mean, she could no doubt kick my ass. She’s big and strong…but she’s in good shape. Admittedly, I didn’t pick the best pic for her but I’m too lazy to find one where she doesn’t look like manly…but I trust, in real life , she doesn’t. Also, judging from her reality show, it’s been a while. She’d be very appreciative. Granted, I wouldn’t be swinging chains around and holding a machete to her neck during sex like I’m sure Treach was , but hey, variety is the spice of life.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Miho Hitori, Bjork, Yolandi from Die Antword
Shocking, I know…But I only put her here cause she’s gotten old and is not the same Bjork she once was. She was once adorable but I’ve never really though of her as a sexual being (so that cancels out sex) and she’s just a bit too weird for me to marry. So, as talented as she is, she’s gotta go. Sorry Bjork.
Style of death: I’d make her eat icelandic fermented shark meat until her heart stopped (it would be a quick death, as that shit is disgusting).
Marry: Miho Hitori
I honestly don’t know much about her or her music. But I googled her and she seems like the most normal of the bunch. She’s not crazy hot but she’s cute enough…So, by default, I suppose I’d marry her. Worst case scenario, she’d be really boring.
Truth be told, I think most guys secretly wanna have sex with this little creature. Stupid haircut aside, she’s strangely sexy. She’s also completely insane which could really pay off for a one time sexual encounter. My only fear would be that she was into some crazy shit I’m not ready for. The last thing you want when boning a girl is for her relentlessly trying to stuff things in your ass which scratching the shit out of you. I could see her being one of those types…but it’s worth the risk.
Fuck/Marry/Kill:Peggy Bundy, Mrs Garret, Claire Huckstable
Kill: Mrs Garret
I mean this is a softball pitch to babe ruth. Come one…You couldn’t even give me the mom from Growing pains? OF COURSE I’m killing Mrs. Garret. He foots halfway out the door of life as it is. She’s a sweet old lady but unless she’s doing laundry or cooking pot roasts, she’s of no use to anyone.
Style of death: I’d just let her die of natural causes. She’s that old.
Fuck: Peg Bundy
I always thought Peg Bundy was kinda hot. I get that you stop wanting to fuck the person you’ve been married to for 30 years but I don’t think Al appreciated what he had. She had big torpedo tits and a nice lean waist. That’s got “Fuck” written all over it. Also, much like Pepa, she’d be appreciative. I can’t tell you how far that can go.
Marry: Clair Huxtable
Aside from having a really great job and being an attractive older lady, she’s just kind of always been a “wife” to me. Not my wife, so much, but a wife. So , I can only envision her like that. Also, she’s gotta have a saucy side to her…after all, she had like 7 kids over the course of 15 years. If Cliff can keep going back to that honey pot, I don’t see why I wouldn’t either. We could put on some Grover Washington Jr , slip out of out body length pajama’s and see where the night takes us.
Fuck, Marry, Kill:Music By Cavelight,Downtown Science,Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book
It’s like you’re asking me to rank my babies…
Fuck: Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book
Fucking is fun. It doesn’t need to be this heady experience where your life is changed afterwards. This album is that. It’s fun and light, with a few intense moments but, overall, it’s a good time. I’d put my dick all up inside this album.
Marry: Music By Cavelight
You know, I already feel like I’m married to this album. It’s like that high school sweetheart that you can’t break up with cause of all the history you share. At this point, we’re an old married couple. I’m bored of her but the bond remains.
More importantly, everyone else seems to be so fond of this album, it would be weird for me to kill her. So, as much as the flame is dwindling I suppose we’re gonna die together…married.
Kill: Downtown Science
I don’t wanna kill this album. I like this album. But , in this situation, it’s gotta go. I feel like it was often misunderstood and people were let down by the fact it wasn’t another “Music By Cavelight”. But that was kinda the point. SO, I’d put this one down gently knowing that it was what I wanted it to be…a little too strange for the passing listener but , in the larger scheme of things, a very nice piece on the overall puzzle.
Style of death: I suppose I’d just melt it down followed by an emotional burial ceremony for the ashes.