Monthly Archives: January 2012

Sir Jarlsberg will Change you life part 2

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Before you do anything, if you’re not familiar with Sir Jerlsberg, read this and download the music:
https://phatfriend.com/2010/01/11/sir-jarlsburg-will-change-your-life/

It’s a description of Sir Jarlsberg as well as folder of the songs he had done up to that point. Granted, this isn’t for everyone but I think it’s the fucking best.

But, that’s not why I wrote this post…it’s cause yesterday, Sir Jarlsberg finally dropped his long awaited first video “Teach thee how to curtsy” (feat. Lord Richard and Kelly Waters). I’m sad to say I don’t have the MP3 of this song but that just means you’ll have to watch this video over and over again…

The Creepiest

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Holy shit. Now, in order for me to keep living a normal life and not throw myself off a high mountain, I’m gonna assume this is a joke. It has to be, right?
If so, major props to this kid for hitting on something that doesn’t get discussed very often.
The teenaged male “sucker for love syndrome”.
When we’re going through puberty and our bodies and running on pure testosterone , you would think we’d be all about getting any sort of sex we can…and we are…but there is never a more emotionally vulnerable time for a guy then when he’s a teen.
It’s a confusing time cause, on one hand, we’re jerking off like 5 times a day. In fact, you should never touch a teenaged boys hand. Give them the fist pound. Shaking his hand is basically just holding his dick.
Young dudes are spending hours a day just beating that devil inside of them up via their penis. You’d think that this kind of hyperactive behavior would translate to scum-baggery and desperate measure taken to somehow find a girl to have sex with…well, they often do but it’s more a case of misguided lust than the kid being a bad person. But, if a guy is to actually land a girl, it’s a wrap. That dude is at a high risk of falling in love on a level that can only be creepy. Like the kid in this video (who I hope is just a really funny guy and not that actual person). It’s so intense to witness. Like a scene out of “Happiness”.
The funny thing about this kinda shit is that once men get through that stage, most of us become the assholes we really are. The same dude who would kill your family if they ever got in the way of two hour make out sessions on the couch when he’s 15 is also the same dude ,five years down the line, who doesn’t text you back for a week after drunkly fucking you on the floor of his friends house.

This must suck for girls cause I know you guys love a passionate man. It’s just too bad the most passionate men around are 15 year old psychotic people like this kid.

Now, I’m not saying grown men aren’t capable of worshipping their women (often to a fault) but the certain brand of blind love for a girl that can be possessed by a boy going through puberty is just some next level shit. It’s a drug-like infatuation. If only there were a way to harness these emotions and use them for good. Oh well…until then, heads up ,young girls. Be wary of who you make out with cause you never know when he’s gonna take his shirt off, get his camera and film some shit like this in your honor. And really, how can you even kiss a guy after that? You’d be too busy laughing into his mouth.

Answers for Questions Vol. 68

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Good day everyone.
It’s MLK day, which means many of you are off work/school and celebrating his life with a hangover. You asshole. he didn’t have a dream about you taking Jager shots last night and flirting with a hispanic barback as a show of equality. You’re so racist.
Anyway, as always, send me more questions: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. I’m also accepting “Ask Dr. Tony” questions so if you got problems n your love life or anything related to that, I’m your dude.
Lez go…

If you could have a lobotomy and wipe out every single bit of music knowledge you’ve collected over the years, all your music production knowledge, dj skills, and musical taste, if only to experience everything again for the first time, would you?

I would definitely not. First off, I’d be out of a job. Secondly, the timing would be a mess. Part of experiencing music in a certain way is based on age. I could never feel about something now the same way I did when I was 11-16 years old. I’m simply too jaded and I’ve lived too long at this point to be wide eyed about anything. As good as “It takes a nation of millions” is, the way it made me feel when I was a kid is not like any feeling I’m still able to get. It’s pretty depressing but , hey, that’s life.

There are a couple of songs that have been playing non stop in my head for the past couple of months….well, specific lines from songs…

the first being one you should know all to well:

“We the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn’t us
And we may not hate our jobs,
But we hate jobs in general
That don’t have to do with fighting our own causes.
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in/day-out
When we’d rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope…”

the second is from the song “The Good Fight” off that awesome new Phonte Coleman solo album….

“Everybody prays for the day they see the light
But the light at the end of the tunnel is a train
5 dollar gas, and poverty rates, are rising much higher than your hourly rates
So if you thinkin ’bout quittin you should probably wait
Cuz everybody gotta do a fuckin job that they hate
“Go and live out your dreams” thats what they tellin”

So, here is my question, any advice to someone that is tired of chasing the dreams of other people? Spending long obnoxious hours making their mental pictures come to light?

Thoughts sir?

On one hand, I think there’s nothing wrong with following your dreams It’s a long shot to ever work out but if it’s something you’re obsessed with , you gotta at least try. Worst case scenario, you fail and go back to whatever course your life was on before.
But there are so many realities that get in the way of someone becoming successful at any form of art. Like, the simplest one,
“are you actually talented or just really driven?”
Honestly, I’ve seen both pan out and often, the untalented but driven guy will succeed through sheer will. But, it’s painful to watch someone .who’s simply just bad at something , investing tons of time into it and being totally clueless as to how it will never happen.
Also, “Do you have a fall back plan?”
If you’re gonna try to be an artsi, in this day and age, the chances of making money now are less than they’ve ever been. It should really be more of a hobby for everyone than anything. If you’re focused on making it work though, have a back up plan for when it doesn’t. Also, give yourself a success time frame. If you haven’t reached a certain point by a certain time , it’s time to swallow your pride and move on. You don’t wanna be that 48 year old guy playing in a bar band, still chasing the dream.

I wish everyone who wants to not work under the thumb of another person all the best luck. I just worry that many people don’t take the consequences of doing so into consideration. We’re not all leaders. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s true.

You’re in L.A. and have the choice of seeing a Clippers game or a Lakers game. Who do you see? ( same opponent for the sake of argument)

Oh, the CLippers by a longshot. Not only do I hate the lakers but what team would be more fun to watch right now than the CLippers? Not to mention, I got Blake Griffin On my Fantasy squad, so that’s an extra.

What is on the walls of your apartment?

Mostly blood and cum.
Nah, I have some artwork my dad did. Some pictures. When my girl moved in over a year and a half ago, a lot of things were moved/added for the better. I used to have every piece of vinyl I have worked on but we had to repaint the crib so they all came down and I’ve been too lazy to put the up again.
In my bedroom (AKA studio) I used to have a wall of funny record covers in front of where I work.

But, that area also had to be painted and the way I had stuck the covers up was as terribly as one could have done it. Basically, I ruined all the covers and fucked that entire wall up while doing so.So now it’s just a plain white wall.

I’ve had a couple good laughs over some stories I’ve read on here, ie. the way too high washing dog shit off your shoe and gagging, or the come down rollerblading team wipeout. whats the funniest thing that’s happened to you in 2011?

Shit. I don’t think anything spectacularly funny happened last year. Nothing that jumps out at me. I blame twitter.

What’s with the pics of cute little animals you post on this blog?

I’m not an animal person. In fact, I’ll go out of my way to avoid being in a room with most dogs/cats. I’m allergic to cats and dogs, while far less offensive to me, are just kind of annoying. However, I do love pictures of cute animals. Especially things like hamsters or puppies. I draw the line at cats as I truly despise them as creatures (even though I’ve broken down once or twice cause even my dead black heart can admit kittens are adorable).
I dunno why I started doing that as the header pics for this column but I feel like it works. It draws you in. And it’s kinda funny to think of this cute animal and comparing it to whatever pissy, vitriolic thing I’m about to write.

How’ve your workouts been going? did you stop? are you still going?

I’m trying. I’ve exercised probably 12 days since the new year started. I think it’s helping. My issue is that my workouts are pathetic. Unless it’s basketball, I’m half assing it like you’ve never seen. I’ll run on the elliptical and lift some weights but I’ve literally seen adolescent girls go harder than me in the gym. I’m lazy and I fucking hate working out. It’s a bad combo. But i figure, if i can at least break a sweat, that’s something. My goal is to just not become a total fat ass. That’s all. So, if i can achieve that, I’ll be happy.

blockhead i have a question so i just moved to a small town, not many places to find a job except burgerking and other fast-food restaurants, so i applied and basically got the job, my question being is there any shame working fastfood? iā€™m only 19 and iā€™m not trying to make it a career i just figured minimal responsibility and i could probably show up hungover or drunk most days

No shame in that man. Make your money. It’s not like your small town is offering all sorts of great choices. It’s funny to me, about how jobs are viewed , cause someone who works in a coffee shop has this smug air about themselves while the dude working in Mcdonalds is looked at like a barely functional mongoloid. I think that’s bullshit. Just cause you work somewhere with a tip jar doesn’t make you any more special than the person slinging fries. Sure, it’s a cooler atmosphere in the coffee shop. No dress code and you get to play your Ipod but you’re still a server. You still gotta deal with terrible dickheads who will bicker with you about how frothy the milk is/isn’t.
Anyway, at age 19, there is no better time to have a job like that. But , just be wary, that if you’re still there in 5 years, you’ve dropped the ball on life.

You and your underwear

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(This ain’t about girls underwear but I’ll be damned if I put up some pic of a dude in a banana hammock)

I’ve been trying to hit the gym a lot lately cause I’ve found myself slipping into a fatty territory I’m not comfortable with. Because of this, I’ve been exposed to the dreaded gym locker room. A place where underwear is optional and swinging dicks are just part of the ambiance. While doing my best to not make eye contact with the many dangling parts in the locker room, I have noticed that an amazing amount of dudes (granted, most are old as dirt) are rocking tighty whitey underwear. This is odd to me cause, well, tighty whities are the worst. They ride up. They constrict your package. They are white, so the get dirty in a really bad way very quickly. Basically, they are the bottom wrung of male underwear.

I wore them back in the day before I was making decisions for myself. My mom would give them to me, and I was just happy to not be wearing diapers. In fact, one of my saddest memories as a child was being given these awesome spider man underoo’s. I put them on and was walking around the house like a tiny bawce. I was about a year past potty training and was really feeling myself in those underroo’s. Sadly, I guess I wasn’t that far past the potty as I shit my underwear at thoroughly as a person can shit themselves, leading to the disposal of said underoo’s. It was pretty devastating.

Once I got a little older, I noticed older people were wearing boxers. This intrigued me. When i finally got my hands on some, I understood why. They were roomy. They were loose. It was like not wearing anything at all…or wearing a bathing suit. I ran with boxers for a long time. At some point, I got sick of the crotches ripping to shreds and getting chaffed all the time. I needed something different. That’s when i discovered the wonders of Boxer briefs. They’re a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. Good space for the package but it still separates the thighs to avoid chaffing. I’ve been rocking those strictly since the mid 90’s and I have no complaints. I’ve also noticed that, by far, girls seem to like them the most…But i’ve been wrong before…While I’m assuming Boxer briefs are obviously the most popular for both men to wear, and women to prefer on their men, you never know. so this is why I make these polls. To find the truth!
This time, I got one for the boys and one for the girls.

First off for the Bro’s

Secondly, for the broads,

Let’s get down to the bottom of this…If anything, I hope the result will steer some of you in the right direction next time you’re up in the underwear section of the mall or whatever…

Song of the day 1/12/12

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Electrolytes By Marq Spekt
http://limelinx.com/files/ff8a6ac5363eb41de5df84bcb8010f6c

Marq Spekt has been around for a while. I first heard of him probably about 6 years ago when LoDeck slipped me a song called “Vegetables”. It was both weird and interesting, therefor grabbing my attention. Since then Spekt has popped up all over the place with Solo albums, Collabo albums, mixtapes and dope guest spots on other dope albums. Most recently, he was part of an awesome album with Cunninlynguists producer Kno called “Machetevision” , which I thoroughly Recommend.
As a bonus, here’s a taste of that:

PS: I’ve gotten a complaint about the uploading site I use for these song of the day’s. Does anyone else have a similar issue with it? Lemme know , cause if it’s a larger problem, I’ll switch up my upload site.

I Used to love H.I.M. (pause)

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Earlier this week, I tweeted about the current beef of the century: Common Vs. Drake.
I wrote:
In a battle between Drake and Common, I’m firmly rooting for a double suicide.

I must have forgotten where I was cause within seconds I was flooded with angry people flabbergasted at the concept of someone not liking the music of Common (to be fair, it was also retweeted by like 40 people so I know I’m not alone on this one).

Anyway, obviously, I was joking. In fact, twitter followers of mine, whenever I write ANYTHING non-promotional and hyperbolic, you can assume I’m just joking. But, I’d be lying to say there isn’t a little truth in it. Now, I in no way would like both these men to kill themselves. I don’t know them personally, and they’ve never done anything to me personally to ever deserve such vitriol from me. I simply am not a fan of their music. That’s it.
Now, in the case of drake, pretty much no one on twitter was bothered by the statement. This is more a testament to my followers than twitter though as, we all know, Drake is pretty much the most popular rapper on earth. But , man, you diss Common and the internet highway is set ablaze.

I figure this would be a great platform to explain my distaste for the music of Common, as it seems like an idea so foreign to some of you. Perhaps if I give you some perspective of where I’m coming from ,we can all simply just agree to disagree and keep it moving.

The beginning:
The first I had ever heard of common was reading his name in the Source Magazine. He was in a column called “Unsigned Hype” where they would put you on to a promising new artist. Back in those days, being in that column held weight. Many of the greatest rappers ever got their first shine in that column so , needless to say, I was paying attention.
Shortly after that, Common Sense was signed to Relativity Records. His first single “Take it EZ” started getting run on all the video shows and I was immediately a fan. He was a weird, squeaky voiced guy from chicago with an original style rocking over a really dope beat.

His debut album “Can i borrow a dollar?” was up next. I remember the source gave him 3.5/5 stars for the album (which was a typical rating for them to give an underground-ish sounding record that was a little weird). I copped it within a week of its release. Now, I didn’t love this album. There were maybe 5 or 6 songs I liked a lot but , overall, I always felt it was uneven. But , more than anything, I felt it showed great potential. I was excited to see where this artist would go. And what followed, more than matched my anticipation…

“Resurrection”
Hot off the success of his “Soul by the pound” Remix, Common Sense dropped the first single from his sophomore album. It was the classic song “I used to love H.E.R.”/”Communism”. Now, when i heard this maxi single, I nearly shit my pants. Not only had he made a song that was one of the best ode’s to hip hop ever (though admittedly, I can’t sit through 2 bars of that song today) but the B-side was just as good.

Around the time that album dropped, I was living in Boston going to college. Now, this is how you know a record had a profound impact on your life. This is maybe one of 7 or 8 albums in my life that I clearly remember listening to for the first time. It was a Tuesday (the day new releases drop) and I knew it was dropping. I hustled my ass over to the tower records on Newbury street and bought a cassette copy of “Resurrection”. On the way hame , I popped it in my walkman and let it run. form the first tinkle of the opening Piano riff of the title song, I was hooked. I’m not lying when I say i kept walking past my dorm building cause I was so wrapped up in the album I was hearing. It was like everything just came together perfectly. I pretty much played it over and over for the next week, much to the dismay of my roommate.
NO ID killed the beats. I mean, to this day, I marvel at his drum work on that album and musically, he was just as on point. And Common Sense? Holy shit. He had hit his stride. No longer was he squeaking and trying to find his style. He had found it. His punchlines are clever, his flow was on point and he managed to successfully walk the line of being a wise ass, self-aware , and cocky all while accepting that he’s a greatly flawed person. He wasn’t spiritual. He was still “nuttin’ in hoes when he got nothing to use” yet understood it may be in his best interest to cut down on his drinking. He was a real person. He was in the grey area, like pretty much everyone on the planet. I always appreciated that about him. He’d say some foul shit on one song but then say something truly thought-provoking on the next. Not in a contradictory Tupac way either. There was an earnestness to it. Now, while this album hasn’t aged quite as well as some of the other classics from that era, I still stand by it. There was a time and place where this was my favorite album ever and Common Sense was my favorite rapper alive. That time existed. But it was short-lived.

“One day it’ll all make sense” That I’m beginning to see something I don’t like…

After basically giving me one of my all time favorite albums (at that time), to say I was eager to hear how he’d follow that up was an understatement. Hearing news of a new single dropping got me excited…and I had heard a few songs from the album played on Stretch and Bobbito that definitely sounded promising. And then the single dropped.
“Reminding me (of sef)” wasn’t a bad song. It just wasn’t what I wanted to hear. From the singing on the hook to the introspective lyrics, this is not the Common (he had dropped the “Sense” from his last name due to some white reggae band owning the rights) I wanted to hear. I chalked it up to just being a “single” and still had high hopes for the album.

I copped “One day it’ll all make sense” the day it dropped. As the first song “invocation” dropped, I breathed easy. This is what I was hoping for. Common rapping over a dope beat. It was really quite a simple formula for my satisfaction. As i let the album play, I liked it. It had some great songs on it, but it wasn’t the same. something was noticeably different. It’s like his clever lives were not hitting as sharply as they once had…and i felt like I was being preached at more than being spoken to. Still, he was on point in other ways, trying to do something different. I’m not gonna say the album left me bummed out , more so just worried. He had done some great things on it but he had also began a transformation as an artist into something that didn’t appeal to me. As I’ve stated before, I’m not a spiritual man. And being a good introspective rapper is a hard line to walk. Common was okay at it, but there was something that just didn’t sit right with me. The more i listened to the album, the less interested I was in it. I think the final thing about it that turned me off was his “I wish i hadn’t aborted you, yo!” anthem featuring Lauryn hill “Retrospect for life”. The video pretty much was the first shovel of dirt on the grave of the Common i was calling my favorite rapper 2 years earlier.

(this video is also a precursor to how truly terrible the dude is at acting…i mean…WOW)

It’s a wrap…

Between “Resurrection” and “One day” common had dropped the scathing “Bitch in you” Ice cube diss song. To me, that was Common at his best. Post “One day…” he dropped a few songs on compilations that led me to believe he had perhaps righted the ship I saw drifting off course.
So, when his new single “The 6th sense” dropped, i was cautiously optimistic. It was “okay”. Primo bought his second-rate heat and Common just kinda sleepwalked through it, but it wasn’t terrible. Then I bought the album “Like water for chocolate”. I played the album like I had his last three. Sitting with my headphones on…hoping for the best but the best was far behind me. Common seemed confused. And not in the “everyman” kinda way that made “Resurrection” so great. He was a lover, a hater, a preacher, and a man who can enjoy a kale salad. All these things are not separate or related as personality traits but it just didn’t sit right on this album. It’s like he was just throwing shit out there to see what would stick. Unfortunately for me, it was his spiritual preachy introspective raps that stuck and the rest was history.

The Light

Being fairly disenchanted with “Like water for chocolate” , i had pretty much lost faith in Common. Yet, I feel there was still a sliver of hope inside me that he still had it in him to make great music. Then I saw the video for his song “The light”.
It was over. The second I saw him bite into a guava on camera, I knew the Common I once loved no longer existed.

He had started dating Eryka Badu and was no longer receiving his messages. This Sanford and son hat wearing dickhead was not the same guy. He was gone. He was corny. He was adult contemporary rap. I perfectly understand why people like music like this, but I’m not that guy. Never was, never will be.

The rest

Since my sign off in 2000, I still have checked for his shit on a very relaxed level. meaning, I hear it when I hear it. I’m certainly not rushing to peep some new Common joint. He’s managed to make a few decent songs here and there but there will be no renaissance. His song “The corner” was pretty awesome.

His new song is okay I guess…but at this point, it’s more of a case of WHO GIVES A SHIT?

I dunno if Common got worse or my taste just moved away from where his went. But whatever the case, it’s a done deal. As a musician, I can never fault another musician (especially one WAY more successful that I am) for changing with the times. Any artist who releases the same album 5 times is not only a one trick pony but he’s also scared to evolve. I know how that is. I’m no stranger to people asking me “how come you don’t make another album like your first one?”. Artists change. Sometimes the fans are no on the same path. It happens. In the case of Common, I liken him to an old high school friend I grew up with who suddenly get really religious. We used to drink 40’s together and talk shit about bitches but , all of a sudden, he stopped and moved onto something else. Now, we’re both older and neither of us are drinking 40’s or talking shit about bitches but the divide remains as he is “that” type of person and I’m “this” type of person. Basically, there’s no hard feelings but I’m really not trying to have a conversation with the guy either. With Common, i wish him the best (and perhaps would say he needs some more acting lessons) but the last thing I’m trying to do nowadays is hear his music. But good luck and Godspeed , old friend. At least I have memories of the good times.
Also, no matter what happens, Common>>>>>>>>>>Drake. I’m rooting for you, bro.

I got some shows Coming up! Burlington/Montreal/Buffalo

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Hey guys, I just wanted to alert all of you who would like to see my live that I’ve got three gigs coming up in February. I realize it’s a month off but it’s never too early to start promoting…
I’ll be doing three gigs (may be adding a few more, we’ll see)
2/23 Burlington VT – Club Metronome
http://www.facebook.com/events/316951931673147/
2/24 – Montreal (Canada) – Le Belmont
http://www.facebook.com/events/211443045600636/
2/25 – Buffalo, NY – Soundlab
http://www.facebook.com/events/322324707779296/

So come join me. Say hi. Dance. Cry. Do whatever it is you do at shows. Just show up.
I’m already investing in some new winter gear for these shows cause I hear it’s ungodly up there in February.

Answers for Questions vol. 67

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Hello everyone. This week gets nice and personal. Groupies, a stalker, drunk girls…What fun.
Send me more questions like these to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comments below. If you’ve sent a question and are wondering why I haven’t answered it yet, I will answer them in the order they are received. I almost never discard questions but, when I do, it’s cause they’ve been asked already or they’re fucking idiotic like “Do you like this tv show i like?”.
Anyway, let’s go…

Describe a groupie experience of yours. Not necessarily the sexual angle of it, but the general events leading up to the sexual encounter (type of flirtation, he she or you initiated the events, whether it was insanely awkward, etc.). As I recall, youā€™ve mentioned that you have indeed hooked up with at least one groupie, but ignore this question if Iā€™m mistaken.

Okay. I haven’t had a ton of these…in fact, I’ve blown more or these then I have executed. It’s just a weird vibe in general when someone wants to bone you cause they think you’re famous. Anyway, I was doing this weekly DJ gig in NY a looooong time ago. This is actually the DJ gig where I would eventually meet my current girlfriend, so that’s something. Anyway, I was playing and there was this girl there. She was cute and dancing way more than anyone should have been, considering the music I was playing. A mutual friend of ours came up to me and was like “Yo, my homegirl is feelins you…”. I took another look and her and was like “hmm…word. I’m into that.”. So, she kept dancing (very close to the dj booth) and eventually said hello. We small talked for a little. She was a decent amount of years younger than me and we didn’t have a whole lot to say. Eventually, she said the groupie call to arms “What are you doing later?”. I said “Not much. I’m here till at least 3 and then…I dunno.” I don’t remember THAT clearly but I think she gave me some coy answer that pretty much solidified that she was gonna wait for me. And she did. We took a cab to my crib and that was that. I’d tell you all about the rest but, alas, I’m a gentleman, and a gentleman doesn’t tell (unless asked in person, in which case I will tell anyone anything).

As a bonus, lemme tell you about the one that got away (for better or for worse). I was in the midwest on tour. I had seen this insanely hot girl at a show the night before. She was all flirty but hooking up on tour isn’t easy unless you’re one of those dudes who fucks girls on top of sketchy public toilets. The next night on the tour, we’re playing like 6 hours away from where we had the previous night…and this girl shows up again. I can’t stress how hot she was. Like, groupies are never this hot. Anyway, it was another situation of nowhere to go, cause we were traveling on a tour bus. No hotel room or anything. She made out with me at the merch booth then started talking shit. I was honestly kinda shocked…She said something like “I wanna ride you reverse cowgirl so you can see my finger my ass”. Umm…alright. While I certainly appreciated the enthusiasm, I kinda wanted to say “Finger your asshole, huh? That’s cool, but , really, it’s not necessary! Your vagina will be more than enough”. The funny thing about it was that she was with some dude. He was her ride and obviously so deep in the friendzone he was ready to kill himself. I had to go handle so business and told her to wait but when I got back , she had bounced. Oh well…such is life. So shout out to the insanely hot midwestern girl who I made out with like 6 years ago. Your place in my spank bank is solidified.

You are David Stern (Iā€™m sorry), and are forced to eliminate 10 teams from the NBA. It is generally understood that you have to eliminate the garbagey ā€œlose moneyā€ teams, vs. eliminating, say, The Heat out of spite (unless you have a very good reason for eliminating a blockbuster team). Which 10 teams get the axe?

That would be fucked up…hmm…The cavs, the Bucks, the Bobcats, the Wizards, The kings, the raptors, the Nets (kinda outta spite cause they have money but are so worthless), The pistons, and the Hornets.
My fantasy team would really suffer from this though…

how do you deal with a dude who claims to be a backpacker known “rocking live shows and being a model for hip hop culture and good music”? the backpacker aesthetic is dead, isn’t it? i kind of want to punch him in the face every time i see him, but he’s a friend of a friend.

I’d run the other way. Does this dude live in a time machine? I’m assuming he’s very young cause this sounds like childish overcompensating. I mean, shit, let the dude like what ever he likes but just know that, in about 5 years, he’s gonna look back on how he acted now and feel like a total dickhead.

Have you ever taken advantage of a wasted girl just to get it in? Please explain your thought process of why you have/havenā€™t done this.

Never. That’s what desperate dudes do. It’s not rape, but it’s rape-ish.
I’ve been shit faced with another shit faced girl and we’ve hooked up but it was completely good to go. I think that dudes who prey on really drunk girls are pretty huge creeps. In fact, I’d say I avoid girls who are THAT drunk. They’re tolerable when you’re right there with them but if you’re sober, what’s worse than a completely wasted girl? They’re annoying and crazy. You might as well slap a stray pitbull.
Also, I’ve never been a real pussy shark. I was a little shy but moreso a mellow single guy who was very relaxed in the type of game I would spit at a girl. There was no urgency. Dudes that bangs wasted girls tend to be overbearing and extremely forward. Guys like that are the reason girls roll in packs to clubs together and the mother hen is always so quick to pull her friend away from any guy talking to her. So, really, dudes who prey on wasted girls make it harder for the rest of us. Fuck those guys.

What ever became of the girl who was stalking you via the internet who was actually batshit insane and had a criminal past? I vaguely recall something like this happening within the past year or so.

This question is referring to this:
https://phatfriend.com/2010/10/05/meet-my-demise/

So, umm…this is kinda fucked up. It turns out she killed herself about 6 or 7 months ago. Yup. Pretty fucked up. She was obviously an extremely troubled girl and I’m sure the internet (both her having access to it and people trolling her) didn’t help.

Ok so I just finished my finals for this semester, and I get back home and lay in bed tired as shit (all nighters) and I feel a tremendous relief because i know that for the next couple of weeks Iā€™m free and I have no responsibilities. Itā€™s a tremendous feeling from going to a stressful week to being finished with everything. Did you feel that feeling at all the day you quit your day job and went home and realized you work for yourself now doing what you love? No more shitty 9-5? Did that relief come over youā€¦ pauseā€¦ But really though did it???

I mean, yeah…Not having to wake up at a particular time and not having to do something I don’t enjoy doing is great. But, on the other side, not knowing when the next check is gonna come in isn’t exactly relaxing. Having a career as a musician is both incredibly satisfying and terrifying. Really, it could all end at any moment. Especially considering no one buys records anymore. At least, 9 years ago, you could fall back on that.
Honestly, I’m so far removed from school or a real job at this point, the prospect of ever doing either of those things again frightens me. I haven’t studied in almost 20 years (let’s be honest, I’ve never studied for anything, even when I was in school). I haven’t had a job with a time card in 8 years.
Basically, it’s just a matter of riding this out as long as I can cause, without question, this is a great lifestyle for me.

How often do you find yourself searching for your name on the internet, and reading reviews and forum posts about your music? And more important, do you read youtube comments of your songs? If so, what percentage would you say you’ve read so far?

Whenever I drop a new album, I tend to google it a lot to find reviews. It’s a great way to torture yourself. But, in general, I don’t google myself very often. I used to do it a lot more but I reached a point where I realized that whether it be props or hate, it’s just some blank face on the internet. I’m not allowing myself to get mad at one and just overlook the other as they are both equally empty in the overall scheme of things.
I will admit to reading youtube comments though. Partially cause youtube comments are like the lowest common denominator on the entire internet, which is crazy considering how fucked up people on the internet are, and I enjoy that kinda of craziness. But I’ve found youtube comments to be , at their worst, misinformed like “Blockhead is from brooklyn and produced every aesop rock song ever made!”…but , otherwise, my youtube feedback has been highly positive.

I know you don’t do drugs and all, but what is your opinion on DMT and ayahuasca?

I have no clue what they do but I’m sure they’re awful. Anytime a “new” drug happens, I feel a little bit older.
Makes me think of this (NSFW)
http://www.vice.com/vice-news/siberia-krokodil-tears-part-1

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 10

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9


Sup yall. The Doc is in. It’s a new year and people are still having problems figuring out what the fuck to do with their genitals. Well, I’m here to help.
Please send me more relationship type questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Mt door is always open. Ladies, where you at? This weeks questions are all from men. Let’s get some girl questions going. Those are usually more fun anyway.
Okay, let’s go…

Dr. Tony,
I have new girlfriend (official for four months), everything is great and we have been moving forward at a healthy pace physically and emotionally. Problem, she has been the doormat for the same dude over and over. He took her v-card in high school, they went to the same college, etc. They werenā€™t always in a relationship thru out the time they had this going b/c he has strolled into and out of her life at his own convenience since she was 17 (now 27) and has hurt her several times and she always went back like a wounded puppy. They are still ā€œfriendsā€ and I know it has been a year since they hooked up the last time. They donā€™t see each other because he is in grad school in another city but they shoot text every now and then and talk on the phone every other month or so. She told me she is 100% done with him like that and to not worry, but I kind of want more reassurance. Since it is so new, should I press the issue or let it ride? Am I walking into a buzz saw? Your thoughts? Thanks man, I could use a little objective advice because I like her so much and I don’t want to rock the boat if I’m just over thinking it.

Man, this is a tough one. If I’m just going off what you wrote, I think you may be in trouble. It sounds like that guy is your girls first love. Most people have that one guy/girl who will always get in their head. He/she is always in the back of their mind. I wrote a blog about the “The light switch” a while back. It’s about how girls don’t ever really get over a dude the love until they finally decide to flick that switch. but when they do? It’s a wrap. It sounds to me that, if those two are still talking, she hasn’t flipped the switch yet. Meaning, that guy is still floating somewhere in the back of her head. Sure, she has genuine feelings for you but he’s still around. It’s the type of thing that can lead to her cheating with him and not even giving it a second thought cause she can rationalize it as it being with that guy and that guy only.

Now, as far as how you should approach this, I don’t think you really can. The more jealous and insecure you seem, the more likely she’ll be pushed towards thinking about the other guy, who very likely is aloof and cares a lot less about her than she does him. I think you gotta just ride it out. 4 months isn’t shit in terms of time together so you gotta get more time under your belt with her before you can really say shit about anything of that nature. If i were you, I’d just be hoping that other dude stays in school forever/moves to another part of the country after school. Cause if he moves back home, shit will get interesting.

I just watched this

and wanted to know your thoughts on it. I have a (fairly recent) ex who wants to be friends. Do you believe this video is true? Is it ever possible for men and women to be friends? Exes or not.

Good timing considering I just wrote that whole blog about the friendzone earlier this week. Since i covered most of it in that blog, I’ll just give a basic answer.
Yes, I believe men and women can be friends but not in the same way men are friends with other friends. As long as that sexual tension (be it real or created by the man) is there, it will never be the same. I will say that two ex’s can be friends if both of them are truly over it. It’s super rare but it exists somewhere.

I have tons of female friends. But aside from a few, I’ve met them as girls I couldn’t have sex with (friends girlfriends, my girlfriends friends, my ex girlfriends friends ect…). So, they were slapped right into being friends. But the bottom line of male/female friendship is that 90% of the guys out there, would technically have sex with the girl they’re friends with. Cause, you know, why not? Where as I’d say that % drops dramatically when considering how many girls would have sex with the guys they’re friends with.
For instance, my closest girl friend is this girl I’ve known since i was 16. She’s probably the only girl I treat like I do my male friends. Meaning , playfully abusive and totally inappropriate (in a non-sexual manner). However, if I didn’t know her so well, I’d totally want to fuck her. Simply cause she is an attractive girl. On the flip side, I think the thought of fucking me makes her want to vomit forever. That’s something that she had decided on way before I even considered becoming good friends with her. But still, she thinks I’m a good guy so we’re friends anyway. Girls are different than men.
In my eyes, men act amongst and treat their male friends different cause , well, we’re all men. There’s rarely an emotional issue to worry about and everything is pretty simple. With our girl friends, we can’t be the disgusting pigs we really are so we have to tone it down a little. I’m sure some girls are going “I’ve seen men be disgusting pigs! All my friends are men!” but , I’m sorry homegirl, you still really don’t know the depths. Not even close.
With girls, once the sexual aspect of the relationship is out of the equation, I feel like it’s business as usual with friendships with men. Granted, they’re not gonna sit around discussing “Who wore it best?” with us or talking about shoes but the dialogue is not going to be THAT different. Now, I’m sure some girls are going “Oh no! when I talk to my girls we are disgusting!” That’s cute and all, but I really can’t stress enough how not disgusting you really are. Talk all out want about your period, or gross dicks you’ve seen or whatever…it’s not even in the same universe as the grossness men discuss casually over dinner.
My point in all this is , as sexes we are so different, that our ideas of what our friendships are with each other are also different. We’re always going to view each other differently no matter what. So while a true male/female platonic friendship is totally possible, I’d say the probability of that relationship being on the exact same wavelength for both people, is not possible.

Is it weird to be making out with tons of chicks, but never dropping the hammer? I donā€™t know, Iā€™ve always been paranoid about fucking some sea donkey for fun and having her get pregnantā€¦ linking me to her the rest of our miserable lives. Iā€™ve made out with more girls than I can count though. Is that so bad?

By the way, that is 21 year old me talking. Iā€™ve had sex plenty since then(with girlfriends I had relationships with). I sure as shit felt like a weirdo at the time though for not going all the way though.

What’s weird is that you’re so scared of knocking a girl up. Wear a condom, bro.
Sounds to me you were just a 21 year old who was comfortable kicking game and kissing girls but insecure about anything beyond that. That’s fine. Sex is pressure packed before you get the hang of it. The only down side is that I’d imagine you have some regrets about not boning some of those girls you made out with.

I need advice

some hot girl that I dont even know her name but she works at a building I work wants me to go to a party that her uncle is throwing. I work with her uncle and I always tell him she looks good. She didnt invite me personally, but her uncle (my coworker) said she wanted me to come. Now im not really down with chillin in a family party with a girl I dont even know, or I dont know anyone thats gonna be at the party too. Plus I work that same day. But i really would want to get at this girl. What should i do?

Depends what kinda dude you are. I’m not the type of person who can just roll up to a party solo and be comfortable. I need to know at least someone well enough to kick it with them. I got a nephew who’s the opposite. he thrives on going places alone. He’s just go to a random art opening and end up meeting all sorts of people. So, if you’re like me, you’re not going to go to that party , regardless of what you think about that girl. But, if you’re like my nephew, you say fuck it, put on a happy face and see what happens.
From an outsider perspective, I’d say my nephew is on to something and his way is the better way to go. But , it’s also easier said than done.
Regardless, the girl works in your building. There’s got to be another way to start a Reppore (no clue how to spell that) with her.

for the doc…
so ive been seeing this girl for a few weeks. we get along good. she’s smart and funny, fun to hang out with. the sex is pretty good, not mind blowing yet – i think it could get there potentially – but its a solid experience in the sack. i think she’s quite sexy. she’s curvy – and i dig that. i cant really fuck with stick drawing women, you know? BUT, here’s the thing. she’s kind of right at the threshold. like, she’s pretty damn sexy right now, but another few lbs and i could see the transition from curvy to sloppy happening.
now, obviously i should feel like a douche for entertaining this line of thought in the first place right? fair enough. but what do you do in this situation?
do you keep the dating going long enough before getting serious so you can get a read on her maintenance? do you just go all in, but have an exit strategy ready? do you broach the subject (like heeeeey, lets join a gym together? even though i have zero interest in joining a gym. what a terrible idea.). i mean i guess throughout history there have been many dudes who have gotten on board with an amazing lady who went and got fat on them. is it just a gamble that we all take?

It’s waaaaaaay too early to even consider this. You’ve just started fucking her. Hold your horses. I’ve always said my favorite body types are the girls who are naturally kinda chubby but work out. Depending on her fitness schedule, you might be hitting jackpot.
You say this girl is on the cusp and I know exactly what you mean.
There’s really no way to gauge what will happen to her but if the looks are that important to you, she might not be a girl you’re gonna settle down with anyway.
But, a few ways to forecast her future would be to ask these questions (to yourself)
1)how old is she?
If she’s still fairly young, all that could turn around. If she’s like 30 though, it’s usually downhill from there.
2)Does she ever exercise?
If she has at least some sort of discipline that’s a good sign that she actually cares how she looks and is conscious of her figure.
3)Does she eat like a pig and smoke weed all day?
If she does, good luck with that. you got a lifelong fat girl on your hands.
4)Does she seem aware of her own weight?
I’d say most girls are highly aware of themselves in that way. But every now and then, you meet a girl who’s oblivious to her situation. in fact, not only that, she’s straight up content in being dumpy. Like she wear shirts that are too small and her gut hangs out without an shame. That’s fine cause to each their own, but if she’s that type and you’re concerned about her getting fatter, jump ship immediately.

The funny thing about this is that , in many cases. girls put their best foot forward when thy start hooking up with a new dude they like. They want to look good and feel sexy. It’s when they get comfortable that they start slipping (men do this two and are completely shameless about it). So, if this is an issue for you, be careful and don’t over commit to a relationship you might be ending over some physical shit down the line.