Time once again for everyone favorite hateful game of love, sex and murder. This weeks is all over the place. Lots of cute girls, some terrible music and oprah.
Feel free to submit more ideas…BE ORIGINAL. No lady GaGa, Britney, Female rappers ect…use your inner minds eye and create something original.
Anyway, here’s the jump off:
F/M/K:Mariah Carey/Eva Angelina/Jessica Biel
Marry: Jessica Beil
Easiest answer ever? I’ve heard people complain about how buff she is but fuck that. she’s still one of the hottest actresses to me and doesn’t even seem like that big of an asshole in real life. Sure, she’s marrying Timberlake but, really, so would most white girls between the age of 22-35, so I can’t really blame her. And let’s be honest, DAT AZZZZZZ.
Kill: Mariah Carey
There is a large contingent of men out there who think Mariah is extremely attractive. Nick Cannon, for instance. I’m not one of those men. While I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t bone her before she had her baby, that statement really isn’t saying much. I’ve always not been a fan of Mariah and her stupid face. She looks like if you crossed, jennifer Aniston, a stoned owl and Rosie perez currently. She’s not busted, but she’s not hot either. But beyond that, she’s a crazy person with all sort sof problems that I wouldn’t want to deal with via marriage or sex (Well, maybe sex but whatever…someone’s gotta fall on the sword here). Also, I don’t trust people who have “a side” that they need to be photographed on. Shit is mad shady.
Listen, if you’re gonna put a porn star in here, what else can I do but fuck her? I mean, I suppose I could kill her but not if Mariah Carey is another option, this one was pretty much set in stone. For those who don’t know who she is, Eva Angelina is a super hot faced porn star who made the mistake of getting stupid breast implants. She was once hot but now looks like a macy’s day parade balloon that will fuck you. Still, there’s simply no way Mariah is surviving this game.
F/M/K:Queen Latifah, Oprah, Tyra Banks
Fuck: Tyra Banks
Yes, she’s one of the worst people breathing on this planet. Speaking to her for 20 seconds would feel like an eternity. But welcome to the male mind!She is, far and away, the most attractive women of this bunch. And, really, that’s all it takes. As terrible as her character is, she’s also pretty fucking stunning looking (or was at one point) so it’s a no brainer. She’s getting the hypothetical business.
This is a tough one cause, in a way, these two are interchangeable. They’re both extremely wealthy lesbians who are probably kinda cool on some level. So, in a coin flip, I’d choose Oprah. I can justify this by saying she’d be super busy and it would leave me to just chill all day in her mansion and do whatever the fuck I want. I don’t doubt I’d get along with Latifah more but Oprah would be gone for like months at a time and the free reign I’d have at the crib would be pretty amazing. And it’s not like I’m fucking either of them so that’s off the table regardless.
F/M/K (Ginger Edition): Isla Fisher, Christina Hendricks, Amy Adams
Kill: Amy Adams
I have nothing against Amy Adams. She’s very cute. Good actress. But she’s pretty much just a slightly cuter version of pam from the office crossed with a second rate Ilsa Fischer. I would both fuck or marry her under different circumstances but this is tough competition. These other two girls are hard nosed competitors. Well, Hendricks was a hair away from being my Kill (I’ll get to that later) but because Adams is simply a lesser version of Fischer, she’s gotta go.
MArry: Isla Fischer
I legit Love her. Like, I wanna make her a mix tape on cassette and draw doodles on the inside of the cardboard pull out. I wanna hold her hand in front of my friends and miss sporting events cause I’d rather be with her. I wanna listen to her tell me all about her day in great detail as I hang of every syllable. It’s like that with Ilsa Fisher.
Fuck: Christina Hendricks
Seems obvious, right? I mean, she’s the sex pot of all the sex pots. Those tits! That face! But here’s why she almost ended up getting killed…She’s fat now. Yup. sorry, she is. She’s like 5’10” probably a buck 80 and I’m not Robert Crumb. She wasn’t always fat. She was once thick. And thick is the best. But in the last few pics I’ve seen her, she’s crossed that imaginary line into something I’m not sure I want to see naked. Still…her face and tits are enough to propel her into this category but , man, she made it by a hair. A long ginger hair.
F/M/K (Super Mario Edition):Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Toadette
I feel like fucking her would be pedophilia and , also, she’s a fucking living mushroom person. She’s like 3’2” tops and has no nose. I’m sure she’s a sweet girl but I’m chopping this bitch up and putting her in pasta with some truffle oil.
I assume her name comes from what her vagina must taste like.Hi-oooo! I’ll admit, she’s a touch wall eyed and perhaps even learning disabled but she’s hotter than the little mushroom girl so she’ll have to do. I mean, she’s basically a living sex doll in the face so I might as well use her for that.
F/M/K: Dub Step ,Ranchero “Mexican” Music ,Musical “Music”
Fuck:Ranchero “Mexican” music
Of the three, I find this genre the most sexual. Sure, lots of people are gonna say dubstep is sexual but it sounds like a plane crash with drums. Not sexy. At least, with ranchero, I can imagine hot latina girls doing dances I couldn’t do in a billion years. Also, I could fuck it and be done with it…which is also a selling point.
Marry: Musical “music”
Kinda gay, right? But, to me, this kind of music is the most palatable of the three. Truth be told, I think musicals are the fucking worst. Like, seriously, I’d rather watch 8 hours of bridal programming than one 45 minute long musical (if such a thing exists). But, it’s at least melodic and doesn’t all sound identical. Perhaps i could marry the Trey parker and Matt stone type of musical music?
Everyone tells me there’s good dubstep. I’m sure there is. I hear it’s melodic. Okay. I believe you. But I’ve never heard it so I can only go on what I know. And what I know is that I fucking hate the dubstep I’ve heard. It’s loud obnoxious, and devoid of soul and melody. It makes my heart feel funny, which leads me to believe I’m simply too old for it. it’s one saving grace, the dope drums, isn’t quite enough to let me keep it alive. as I’ve been waiting for it to die in real life, if given the chance, I’d kill it myself.
(side note: If you’re a dubstep enthusiast, please just let this one go. I don’t need to hear your explanation or suggstions of dubstep I might like or your vitriol towards me concerning the subject. It’s fine. you’re 100% allowed to like it. Just let me have my opinion on it.It’s nothing personal. I’m old. This is your music, not mine. It would be like me trying to get my 75 year old mother to embrace gangster rap. Not gonna happen. Let it go. )