Answers for questions Vol. 77

What it do, yall? (simply typing that sentence felt awkward). I’m back from a lovely weekend in S.F.. Thanks to all those of you who came to the show. I had a good time.
I’m always a little jet lagged when ever i came back from the west coast so I dunno how lucid these answers are gonna be…so, you know, my bad if I’m rambling.
Anyway, send me more questions! Interesting questions! Funny questions! Non-typical boring grandma questions!
send them to or leave the in the comments below. Okaaaaay?!?!

The Music Scene was simply awesome when you dropped it, when can we expect your next instalment? Also the video for ‘The Music Scene’ is mind-blowing, who is the artist that did it and did you have any input into his creation?
Finally, Spotify has all of your albums up there but no Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book, why is that and can you do something about that?

I swear I didn’t write this question. Scouts honor.
The new album “Interludes after Midnight” drops April 30th. So, keep an eye out for that.
As for the Music Scene video, it was done by Anthony F. Schepperd

I had no input at all and that’s fine with me, cause that video is amazing. Basically, my record label was like “We’re gonna have some guy make an animated video, ok?” I was like ” sure”. I forgot about it and 6 months later that video showed up in my inbox. I was floored.

As for “Uncle tony’s coloring book” not being on spotify, that cause it was a limited release album. We only pressed 5000 copies of it and it’s digital release was limited as well. This mostly had to do with the insane samples on that album.

Do you follow college basketball at all? Any teams you’re interested in?
There are few things I care less about than college sports. I seriously get mad when I’m watching ESPN and the score ticker on the bottom is doing College sports scores. They go forever and WHO FUCKING CARESSSS?!?!?!!? These are fucking college kids. They’re no pro’s. I don’t go to that school. It really baffles me. Unless you’re a scout for the pro’s I see no reason to ever watch an amateur sport.
You will never see me tune a person out quicker then when someone gives me the “I only watch college sports cause it’s not a bunch of millionaires playing for pay checks” argument.
Thats like me saying “I only listen to demo tapes cause I don’t wanna here some millionaire sing songs to me”. Fuck that shit.

If your next album became enormously popular and you started to see photographers following you around every few days, how would you react to them?

I’d probably do what I do when anyone takes my picture. Make a stupid face. Luckily, I’m pretty sure I’ll never have to worry about being chased by paparazzi. They tend to not care much about underground hip hop producers.

Was interested in hearing any thoughts you might have on Charles Bradley. You mentioned that you enjoyed Donny Hathaway a month or two back. Made me think about how your beats have a certain soulfulness to them. Charles Bradley is no Donny Hathaway but he clearly picks up that 60s and 70s soul tradition. Here’s an extended clip of Bradley in Paris on Youtube. Apologizes if you don’t dig it.

Oh, so this is new?
I’d never heard of him prior to you sending me the clip. It sounds cool. There’s a whole school of people making old soul music today. I think it’s all really well done but I’d be lying if I said I really bumped it. I’d rather just listen to the actual old stuff. It’s kinda like when rappers make songs that sound like they were made in 1988. It’s well executed but if I wanted to hear that, I’d just put on Big Daddy Kane. I do appreciate that this is an old dude who obviously been doing it for years though.

How many gigs of music do you have on your computer?
I just looked. Excluding beats I’ve made, 183 gigs. I have no idea if that’s a ton or normal though.

Are you a big Dexter fan? And if you are did you think this season was a load of shit too?
I watch Dexter while whispering how shitty it is under my breath.
The fucked up thing about this last season is that I thought it started really strong and then it flew off the rails. It went from looking like one of the better seasons to being the dumbest season they’ve done thus far. Also, maybe I shouldn’t look at a show like that under too much of a microscope , but how many fucking serial killers can Miami have? According to Dexter, that place has a new one like every 2 months.

What are your opinions on college?

I’m a drop out who always hated school so, my opinion really doesn’t matter. I Think College is great if you want to work in a field that you need to be highly educated for. I think it’s a waste of time if you’re an artist. I think it’s a waste of time and money if you’re just going “To do it” and get a degree in something you can never apply to real life. I have tons of friends who’ve graduated college and over half of them are doing things they probably could have done without that education. At the same time, the people I know getting paid the most with real, adult jobs all went to college. So, yeah…good for them. I remember the feeling of dropping out and thinking “I’ll never have to write another paper again…”. It felt good man.But I got lucky with this music shit and could have easily been a career bartender.

Do you like Video games?
I used to play them a lot more but I haven’t given a shit about the in a while. When I did, I strictly played basketball and baseball games. Occasionally a racing game would slip in there too.
I never could get into games that take long term focus or that had to do with wizards and shit like that. I don’t even like movies about crap like that so, it’s not for me.

Who cleans your apartment? You, the lady? Teamwork? Hire a maid? Etc.

I got a cleaning lady , named Suzie (AKA Sweet sweet suzie) who comes once every two weeks. That’s when you know you’re balling…

I don’t know if you’ve touched on this or not but what’s the least annoying way if you’re an unknown producer to try to get someone (rappers, labels, etc.) to listen to your beats? Just @ing them on twitter? E-mailing the contact info? Are blogs really worth contacting (no offense)? I’ve tried all of the above but usually all I get is a “nice” and nothing else.

This is gonna be deflating but none of that shit works. I’ve never checked a link, a tweet or an email any unknown artist has ever sent me. I simply don’t really care plus, over the years, I’ve learned that most people are terrible at making music. The pushier they are, the worse the music usually is. That said, I’d say, of the avenues you can take, sending the music to blogs is the best idea. But just know which blogs. My blog? Not a good idea. My blog isn’t made to break new artists. The only music I post is my own or people I’m listening to in my spare time. But there are plenty of blogs out there who do seek out new music and are willing to listen. Find those guys, write them a nice email and send them a link to your shit. That’s the only way I can see it working.

What do you think of the group element of rap music? As in, most rappers either got their start in a group, or are currently in a group now, and it seems like its only getting worse with G-Unit, Rocafella Young Money, OFWGKTA, A$AP, and whatever the collective Kendrick Lamar is a part of.

I think the era of groups is kinda over. Sure, they still exist but the “I gotta get mine” way of thinking is way more prominent. Nowadays, there are “Crews” made up of different solo artists who will collaborate but it’s not like there are many Pharcyde’s or Clipse’s popping up much recently. If people are in groups today, I feel like it’s just a stepping stone to going solo. It makes sense though. Hip hop is very me-centric to the point where even producers start to rap , just so they can go solo.

Aesop interviews me.

If you like in depth interviews, you are in luck. Here’s a professional level discussion between aesop and I about all things ranging from politics to our creative process.
Just kidding. Here’s Aesop and I having a talk about sports (which he hates) and video games while I was hanging with him the past weekend.

Song of the day 3/16/12

Big dealer by Ballin’ Jack

Looking at the name, you might assume “Ballin’ Jack” is the new ill-named swag rapper. Well, you’re wrong , bro. This is some random rock/soul joint I came across while mining for samples recently. To say me finding songs I actually like during sample mining is rare, would be an understatement. In my life, I’ve probably found like 5. This is cause I tend to not really dig through soul records. Mostly cause, if I like the music, I don’t really wanna sample it.
Whatever the case, this song is dope. I could do the not-lazy thing and wikipedia Ballin’ Jack but , alas, I’m too lazy. It’s pretty shameful on my part but if you rally wanna know more, I’m sure you can figure it out.
Sorry…I’m grumpy today cause I got up at 7 am to catch a flight to San Fran. don’t fuck with a mans sleep.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 13

What’s up everyone.
Here’s another installment of the best advice you could ever ask for. I’ll be honest…I’ll try to not to flower shit up too much cause life simply isn’t black and white. I also have no background or education in this sort of thing so, you know, take it all with a grain of salt. I mean, if you’re really basing serious life choices on my opinion, you got problems beyond anything I can fix.
ANYHOO, Send me more questions like this to my email: or in the comments below. Despite what I wrote above, i think i do give decent perspective and, really, I’m here to help…

Dr. Tony,

I have a problem you might not’ve encountered in a number of years. I’m 19, in my first year of college. Like any fresh-out-of-highschooler, i was disappointed when college turned out not to be the nonstop fuckfest that we all thought it would be. Fast forward one semester and I’m still a virgin, though i’ve gotten a BJ/HJ here or there. ANYWHO, I ask out this asian girl that I’ve gone on a few dates with, and we start to date. So we’re going out for about a month, and she’s gone down on me a few times, and all is well, yet every time we get “intimate”, I notice that she WON’T take her shirt of (she says she’s ‘self conscious’), and she WON’T let me do anything to her. Finally I decide to skip the hurdles and go straight for the finish line. Needless to say, I get completely rejected (we’re talking Tyson Chandler rejection). She tells me that, and I quote, she “wants to lose her virginity to the man she’s going to marry”. Keep in mind that she isn’t zealously religious at all. At this point it’s taking every ounce of my spirit to a.) stifle laughter at such a naive statement and b.) resist the urge to get up, walk out, and never return. I assure her that it’s o.k., because it’s not like i’m going to tell her off for not bending to my penis’ will, but this is where the problem lies. Wanting to keep your v-card was understandable in the early years of high school, but WE’RE 19 FUCKING YEARS OLD. I really like this girl, but she’s obviously not the girl I’m going to marry, so I mean what’s the point if not to get through this year together and occasionally fool around? I don’t want to break up with her over something so petty, but is this a legitimate dealbreaker, if her values and mine clash at such a personal level? Or could this be her way of making me work harder for it? This all happened last night, so it’s a bit of an emergency here doc. Any advice/perspective would be awesome.

Sounds to me like she wants a commitment and holding out on vaginal entrance is how she plans to get it. Virgins, both male and female, often have skewed view of the importance of sex. They put it on a pedestal cause they don’t “Get it”. Sure, some stick to their guns after they’ve had it but, in most cases, they realize that sex is fun and why stop yourself from having fun? This same girl may be fucking 4 guys a month within 3 years. You never know.

Also, 19 is pretty young. So it’s understandable that she might still have these values and take this kinda shit very seriously. Sure, most people lose their V-card by then but some girls are gonna wanna hold on to it. In your case, this all depends on how long you wanna wait and how big of a scum bag you wanna be about it.
here are your options as i see them:
1)Tell her you appreciate her honesty and respect her choice but that this isn’t gonna work for you , as you a 19 year old male virgin who doesn’t want to remain a virgin until he’s in love.
2)Lie to her and say everything she wants to hear , date her and shit until she lets you hit it. Then , once you hit it, you can either keep hitting it and getting in deeper into this terrible lie or back off, leaving her feeling like complete shit and regretting every decision she’s ever made. (this is all assuming she actually likes you, which I don’t know if I’m even sold on. This could be one of those situations where she’s just gassing you up, but if the right dude came along, she’d fuck him immediately. You never know)
3)Settle in for the long haul and wife her. You’ll eventually get the sex. I don’t recommend this one at all though, cause you’re 19.

Basically, I’d say you need to break up with her nicely cause you’re head is obviously looking for sex and her head is elsewhere. There will be more pussy in your life. I promise. If you can get one blow job, you can get ten. Be patient. Girls don’t like pushy/desperate virgins. Play it cool and the vagina will find it way to you.

He’s the story. I met this girl at a party few months ago. Didn’t pay any attention to her, even found her stupid (and still do). I was talking to with people and she’s been around for a while, listening to the conversation but not talking much. The thing is that 4 or 5 times she had intense sights to me that I still don’t explain. Didn’t pay much attention to that at the moment, but I noticed.
One thing I have to tell is that the only acquaintane we have in common is pretty much of a douchebag I don’t like.
Few weeks later we met again and that time we talked for hours. She seemed interessed and amused by what I said, and we had lots of interests in common. In fact she didn’t talked that much, but a good listener. I didn’t find her smart or anything but I was drunk and she seemed to like listening to my bullshit.
I had to leave the party and sais bye, at that moment she seemed sad to see me leaving. She looked like a kid seeing his lovy puppy go away, sincerely. That’s when I had that feeling I still don’t explain. Few hours I was thinking of her… a lot !
Sometimes I think I’m a fool and that I misinterpret “signs”… sometimes I think there’s something.
I randomly ran into her in the street few weeks ago. She saw me but acted like she didn’t (brief eye contact and fast head turn, you know what i mean).
I eventually texted her to get some news with no response.
Now here I am, going nowhere, couldn’t be more happy than getting her out of my mind. And I’m pretty sure that if I’d got her, I’d have dumped her.
If only eternal sunshine of the spotless man was not fiction, I’d not write you…

So, what to do ?

You do nothing. Your interest in her is based 100% on conquest and ego due to the fact she kinda blew you off. There was a definite window there and you didn’t take it, so it’s gone now. That doesn’t mean the window is forever shut (perhaps she’s got a man now or something) but who really cares? A girl you kinda sorta wanted to fuck and discard didn’t call you back…get over it.

In a healthy relationship, what percentage of importance would you give to emotional vs. physical attraction? (100% emotional being in the deep friendzone and 100% physical being fuckbuddies)

I think that depends on the couple. I’ve seen couples who are 85% sexually driven who’s relationships are horror movies but they stay together for like 4 years cause the sex keeps them there. At the same time, I’ve seen people who basically become best friends and the sex vanishes but they end up getting married.

I look at this way…sex is important. But actually getting along with the person you’re committed to is even more important. This is a person you have to be able to communicate with, hang out with, joke around with, make life decisions with…The fucking is just one aspect. I’d say anywhere between 70%-60% of it should be friendship. Cause,eventually, the sex is gonna wane and then what do you have? That’s why you see old ass couple shuffling down the street hand in hand. It’s not cause they’re still fucking…it’s cause they’re each others best friends.
It’s also the reason I advise people to stay single for as long as possible. Get all your fucking out of the way so, when it’s tim to settle down, your dick/vagina isn’t clouding your judgement as far as what kinda partner you choose.

Dr. Tony,

This might be a little different from your regular “should I hit it or not?” questions…

I work an office job. I met this girl (Girl 1) at work, and have known her for about 4 years now. I used to consider her a “friend”, even though I kept it strictly work-only. When we met, she let on right away that she was interested, and used to drop hints for me to ask her out. She started to creep me out though, because she seemed really needy, and I could tell that she was stalking me on Myspace, from some conversations we had. So I would always come up with an excuse not to hang out. I never found her even remotely bonerable either. She is about 12 years older than me, one of those holier-than-thou vegetarian, hybrid car types, and overweight. (I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but I usually go for short, thick girls).

2 years after we met… She started dating some guy from work. I was happy that she was off my nuts, and everything was good. One day, on my lunch break, I was pulling through a drive-thru, and I see dude walking into the restaurant with a different girl (Girl 2) from work. They see me, I see them, and I don’t give a shit. I went back to work, and Girl 1 confronts me about it, asking “did you see my boyfriend in the parking lot with Girl 2 at that restaurant?” It turns out, she was spying on them the whole time, hiding in the bushes. She was too ashamed to admit that she was spying, so she wanted to use me as an excuse, in order to call out her boyfriend. I told her “I don’t think so…My visions bad…I can’t see too well”. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in some bullshit with 3 coworkers.

2 years later… She is still dating the same guy. She just got one of her coworkers fired, because he “wasn’t a team player”, and she has been bragging about it. I took that guys old job, because it was a good raise, but now I have to work on a small team with her. Ever since I refused to rat out her boyfriend, she has been a complete bitch. She ignores me if I say “hi”. She refuses to acknowledge most work-related things I say, except to correct me, or call out my mistakes in public, especially in front of Management. She is holding a grudge against me, and I think she will jump at an opportunity to get me fired next.

Blockhead, how do you put bitches in their place? Can I make some sort of peace offering to this animal, or is there a better angle to play?

Man…that sucks. She sounds like a disaster of a person. I’m always very fearful of people who let pettiness dictate their lives.
I think you’ve played everything right thus far. Not snitching about that dude was a good play cause, hey, it’s none of your business.
I think the best thing you can do is play it cool. Kill her with kindness. I’m not saying flirt with her but I’m also saying to soften up your vibe around her. I realize she’s being the irrational cunt here but I’m afriad that’s just how irrational cunts are. Eventually, if your nice enough she’ll have no choice but to at least be somewhat pleasant back.
So, while you’re doing this, you might also wanna collect evidence of her behavior. If she does something unprofessional, write it down. That bragging about getting the dude fired would be a prime example…that’s some fucked up shit and the fact she’s dumb enough to publicly vocalize that she did it leads me to believe she’s a fucking idiot who probably spills all sorts of beans…probably cause she’s insecure, but with power. A dangerous combo if there ever was one.
So, yeah, just watch your own back and create a little file to defend yourself with if that time ever comes. Hell, throwing in her making “advances” at you can’t hurt either. If she’s a shitty as you make her sound, I’m sure other people in the office would have your back.

Throwaway files 2.0 vol. 3

Here’s another installment of the beats that got away. These are all older tracks I made between 2001-2010 that, for some reason of another, were never used and now are just past the point of something I’d wanna put out. So, instead of letting them collect dust , I’mma give them to you for free.
When I’m gone…speak of me fondly.

Also, there are TONS more of these on the blog so, if you like, just enter “throwaway files” into the search function and download your dick off. They’re all free

Answers for questions vol. 76

Good day everyone. It’s March in NYC and it’s like 60 degrees outside. I dunno whether to put on some sandals and go tanning or start selling all my possessions to start saving up for a really nice panic room for when the tidal wave comes to swallow up Manhattan.
Anyway, send me more questions to or leave them in the comments below. The weirder the better. Feel free to stop asking me things like “Do you like (insert rapper here)” cause, really, who cares what I like? I’m 35 and listen to mostly old rap music. My opinion is pretty much useless.
Let’s go…

I’d love to hear any comments you have on digging. How mush utter shit do you listen to and how depressing is it? Are there times when you know what you’re going to find on a record, or records you’re sure are gunna be useless or whatever? I was digging through 5 cent dj promos and it was mostly awful, it was tough to stand it.

The days of digging, for me, are kinda over. I used to sample only dollar bin records but that dried up once record stores caught drift of how much they can charge for a pretty terrible record just cause someone might wanna sample it. Eventually, the only things left in dollar bins were shit that was either way to known or just not usable forms of music. I got to the point where any record I would want to sample was way too expensive and I’m not about to pay like 20-80 bucks for a record just cause it has about 6 seconds of good music on it. I’ve moved from record stores to rare music blogs who post up obscure albums. I dig in the crates using a mouse and I-tunes. After that, the process is pretty much the same though. Now , I just wait for the all the albums to download and listen to them, song by song. It’s still very tedious and most of the music is still terrible outside of the little pieces I’m picking out of it. Though, i’ve been doing this for so many years I can usually tell within 10 seconds of the song whether or not I’m gonna find anything in it. So, that speeds the process for sure.

How about eminem? Whatever you have to say. I’ve got oppinions, but thats irrelevant.
What’s really irrelevant is Eminem. I mean, who the fuck is still checking for this guy that isn’t a teenager? Em was a great talent. When i first heard him , I was floored. But years of shitty taste in beats and just going crazy have not served him well. Nowadays, his music sounds like inspirational christian rap without the christian part. That “I’m not afraid” song is mind boggling. Was it made just so it could be used in a commercial for the Army? What the fuck is wrong with that dude…

Say a genie pops out of your bottle of lube after you get done jerking to Brazilian fart porn, which I know you love, genie says to you “Tony, if you vow to never jerk off/have an orgasm ever again there will be no more hunger or violence in the world…if you decide against it 10,000 more people will die a day and you will only live another 5 years..” What do you do?

Wow, this genie is a fucking asshole. I mean, I guess he’d (literally) force my hand and make me not jerk off. I don’t think busting nuts for five years is worth the world ending.
A life without busting nuts is a rough one though. I’d probably be an insomniac and always grumpy…but I suppose that would be a fair trade off for world peace. I’m not a selfless man by any means but i’m also not a psychopath. Goddamnit…on second thought, I wouldn’t choose and I’d try to beat the genie to death with the lube bottle.

You get asked about other trip hop a lot, but what about stuff like rock, classical, drum n bass, I dunno, other stuff outside of hip hop. Are you into anything else?

I like a little rock here and there…rarely anything new though. I listen to tons of old soul. I like reggae (the older the better). Outside of that, I may like a random song here or there form other genre’s but it’s not common. I don’t and have never listened to anything like Drum and bass, jungle, house, techno, ect…It’s just not my thing. It’s dance music and , unless I’m drunk, I’m not a dancer. Even then, if I hear any of those genre’s, I’m leaving that place I’m in.

How do you go about performing your tracks live, as in when you aren’t just DJ;ing. Do you use ableton / controller? Do you have your stems separated? How do you manipulate the tracks? Any insight would be much appreciated!

My live performance is pretty simple. I use ableton and a trigger pad. I pretty much just have all my sounds chopped up and organized and I sequence live, using the trigger pad. I use the effects on abelton as well.
Almost all the stems are separated. In fact , there’s a small portion of songs I can’t really perform (mostly songs from “Uncle tony’s coloring book”) that I can’t really execute how I’d like to cause I don’t have the stems for them. It sucks cause some of that stuff is really well suited for my live set.

would you rather fuck Madonna without a rubber or be tied to a tree while a hungry grizzly bear licks honey off your nuts?

Depends if the bear is friendly. The rubber is inconsequential for my decision. I mean, if madonna got herpes, that’s like 85th reason on the list of why I wouldn’t want to fuck her. So, as long as all he wants is honey and he’d leave once the honey was gone (and without taking a bite out of my pelvis), I’d choose the bear ball bath.

Hey Block We all know you hate the lakers but what do you think of the david stern veto now that 2 months have passed? The hornets are awful and have the worst record in the league.

It’s hard to say cause of eric gordon’s injury. They’ve just had a rough season in general with injuries so there’s really no way to tell how good they would have been. That said, they’d probably be a lottery team regarldess…but I think they woulda been if they hadn’t traded Paul.
I was happy Stern vetoed the Laker trade cause, like you said, I’m not a lakers fan. But I’d be full of shit if I said it was fair to the lakers.

Since the past few A’s for Q’s have had your opinions on rappers or other artists I figured i’d ask a few myself. What’s your opinion on MF Doom and Kool Keith and the “supervillain rapper” thing? Doom and dr.octagon have both been part of my top 5 favorite rappers for a very long time.

I’m a big fan of both Doom and Kool Keith. They’re very similar in that they both have super hero/villain alias’ and they both went through extremely prolific periods where they turned out some really quality material.
I will say this though, in general, I find when rappers take on Alter-ego’s to be really fucking corny and contrived. It’s some half baked excuse for them to rap slightly differently but, in reality, it’s just them being them. Doom and Dr. Octagon are separate of that to me though…unlike Nicki Minaj’s “Roman” character , which is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

After much waffling, and a few free download searches..sorry..I drunkenly caved in and made an official ITunes purchase of music by cavelight and the music scene. I never heard of you before coming across your blog in a search for “scared straight 99″ on google. I was hooked and now follow the blog religiously. That in turn got me interested in the albums, and I must say they are great. But it got me wondering, which would you prefer at this point? If you had a choice between me buying the albums once and never visiting the blog again, or never buying the albums but remaining a loyal reader, which would you choose and why?

That’s tough. I suppose , in this scenario , being a fan of both isn’t possible? Damn you.
I guess I’d want people to buy the albums cause that puts food on my plate. I don’t make money for this blog. It’s a labor of love, so really, if I lose a reader but gain a music fan , I could live with that.
I will say this though, anytime I’m out doing shows and someone gives me props on my blog, it makes my day. Almost more than when they’re like “Hey, I really like your music” cause this blog is something different. It’s more me than my music is, if that makes sense. So, when people appreciate the blog, i feel like it’s directly about me, as a person. Where as my music is something different. I dunno…I think you should both buy my music and read this blog…Don’t be a dick.

F#ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 10

Awwww Yeah! Another installment of your favorite/least favorite thing on this blog. I went kinda easy on myself this week on account of how truly horrifying one choice choice was. I needed extra palette cleansers.
As always, lemme just say, this is all in jest. I don’t wish to kill or marry any of these people…The fucking part is mostly true though(with a few exceptions).
But really, if this offends you, you shouldn’t be reading this blog int he first place.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Eve, lil kim, foxy brown

Marry: Eve

This is the only easy choice. Eve has seemingly gotten hotter with age and remains the only of these three to not turn into a horror movie bad guy. On top of that, she seems (based on nothing but interviews and pictures) to be the most down to earth. So, Ideally, I’d like her to be both my “marry” and “fuck”, but unfortunately, the game ain’t played like that. Goddamn this fucking game…

Fuck: Foxy Brown

I’ve never thought Foxy Brown was hot. She’s always looked like a salamander to me and even when he body was at it’s peak, there was something wrong with her. Like she had scoliosis or something. Her head looks to be the size of a medicine ball and , for some reason, I’ve always imagined her breath smells like actual human shit. Not even dog shit…human shit. So, consider all that as a marker of how truly horrific I must feel about Lil’ Kim, if I’m choosing to fuck Foxy Brown.

Kill: Lil’ Kim

This is all her fault. She was once cute. Before she went from black snooki to the lion king , she was an adorable little sex pot. But, no, she had to go and treat her face like she was mad at it and get Michael Jackson level amounts of surgery. To say she looks jacked right now is an understatement. She doesn’t even look human. She should be in the Lorax movie as a monster that eats kids while they sleep. So, I kill her…preferably with fire…melt her down and sell the parts.

F/M/K: Rashida Jones from Parks and Recreation, Alison Brie from Community
, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock

Fuck: Katrina Bowden

This was a tough one , as all three of these girls are awesome, but she is just too hot to kill. I’d imagine every girl who is reading this is violently disagreeing with me but, hey, that’s why you’re a girl and I’m a dude…cause I want to have sex with girls who look like this. Deal with it.

Marry: Alison Brie

It’s not just the tits, I swear. She’s funny. And her tits are also huge.
I dunno…both her and Rashida Jones are very much Wifey material but Brie gets the edge simply off of being sexier. As much as I wanna go to Quincy Jones House for christmas with his baby rashida, Brie seems more like a wifey and less like a friend.

Kill: Rashida Jones

This one must piss you off , huh? I know…she’s adorable. She’s funny. She’s even probably cool. Trust me, it wasn’t an easy choice. But the bottom line to her demise is that she’s not as sexy as the other two. I don’t look at her and think “I’d like to have sex with her” (well, I do, but not if she’s standing next to brie and bowden). Just know that, in most cases, she’d be the first choice for wife. It’s just unfortunate she came up in the wrong heat. Tough competition.

FMK: Jane Goodall (lived with gorillas), Charla Nash (got her face torn off by a chimp), Byork (half woman, half spider-monkey)

Kill: Byork

Not to be confused with Bjork, who sounds like a spider monkey, this is SUPPOSEDLY a real person. I can’t find a pic on the internet so I’m skeptical cause , you know, it’s THE FUCKING INTERNET. But, whatever the case, I’m obviously killing the sub human. Not only does the prospect of a half spider monkey scare me but if she has monkey strength , she’d rip my dick off like it was a banana out of a bunch. Not gonna happen.

Fuck: Jane Goodall

Well, she’s not the prettiest peach but she’s definitely the most human/person who has her original face of the bunch. I’d imagine she’s old as dirt now but this group leaves me no choice. If I’m gonna make love to one of these three, it’s gonna be her…and it will smell like medicine and monkey crap.

Marry:Carla Nash

Let’s just assume this would be a loveless marriage. On some sociopath shit, I’d do it just for the “good guy” props. Like “aw man…the woman without a face found true love!”. I mean, I can’t imagine she’s be that demanding and she’s probably got a unique perspective on life that I could learn from. I guess…listen..these choices are fucking brutal no matter how you slice it…lemme just keep telling myself that.

F/M/k Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Snow White

Kill: Little Mermaid

Her lack of female genitalia would be her downfall. Head from a half fish woman seems cool but, in reality, I don’t like beaches and I’m not one for living by water that isn’t the Hudson River. So, unless I’mma wheel her ass around the city in a giant fish tank, what’s the point? I bet she’s make great sashimi.

Marry: Pocohontas

She’s both the hottest and the coolest. As long as she can forgive my people for wiping out her entire race, we’d be good to go. She’s basically a drawing of Padma Lakshmi.

Fuck: Snow White

Snow White is a bugged out broad. I feel like she’s a bit off in the head and, often, that kind of person makes for great short term sex. I mean, lord knows what really went down with those dwarfs. Unless she’s friendzoning all those motherfuckers (which would be some petty, insecure girl shit to do) I gotta think a few of them have gotten in there. Regardless, she’s one of the “whimsical” types , which to me translate to her being like a hot hippie who’s pretty much down for whatever. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but she’d make for a fun weekend…but once she starts talking about energy crystals, I’d be out.

F/M/K:Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle.

Fuck: Beyonce

Easily. When in prime form, there are few girls hotter to me than Beyonce. At the same time, I recognize that she’s very likely a diva piece of shit…So marrying her might be a bit much. But she’s definitely one of those “Fuck” options I’d try to milk for as long as possible.

Kill: Kelly Rowland

Kelly should get an award for most improved player. When Destiny’s Child came out, she was the wet food stamp of the bunch. I mean, looking at her then , I would have never thought she’d even come close to being remotely fuckable, let alone attractive. Well, flash forward to now and she’s worked hard. Damn hard. She’s still not the prettiest but she’s definitely nothing to be ashamed of either. Good for her! Still, in this situation, she’s gotta go cause all the hard work in the world can’t make me forget that she was and will always be the olive oil (popeye edition) of Destiney’s child.

Marry: Michelle Williams

She was always very cute to me. I guess she escaped the spotlight and started making gospel records or something. Whatever. I’m sure, of the three, she’s the sweetest. While her staunch christianity might be an issue for me , marriage wise, I’m hoping she’s one of those “once we’re married the lord allows me to whore out” type christians , so I could really reap the benefits of that. If not? I’m sure she’s a good mother, cook, blah blah blah kinda lady so I guess it would work. Only problem is that she’d probably hate my ass but i think I can live with that.

Song of the day 3/8/12

Nightmares III By Open Mike Eagle Feat. Illogic and Marq Spekt
Here’s an awesome remix of an awesome song featuring three artist I both love AND am currently working with. We all win with this one.
Nothing more to really say about it. Download it and enjoy.

You and your newds

Sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out a little by being born when I was. For all the positives that come with growing up when I did, there are lots of likely missed opportunities when I consider what it must be like to be young in 2012. Especially in relation to girls and having sex with them. Sure, being around when you actually had to talk to people on the phone (in complete sentences, nonetheless) builds character but I can only imagine what it’s like to carry on an entire sexual relationship nowadays via text with only Smily faces, writing “LOLZ” and giving directions for late night meet ups…but most of all, I feel like I’ve missed out on the blossoming generation of sending nude pics…those questionable life choices captured forever and sent into the ether by people without a care in the world. Sure, back in the day, people did this, filmed themselves fucking and pretty much everything else under the sun…but today the added level of big brother is almost like a scary and sexy bonus. And by big brother, I mean both the metaphorical Big Brother overseeing everything and the literal concept of your older brother stumbling across nude pictures of his little sister online…cause in 2012, BIG BROTHER is the internet and that’s where nude pics end up. Online.

A while back someone put me on to the website This is a site where people (both men and women) submit nude pics of ex’s , enemies or themselves and the dude who runs the site (Hunter Moore) posts the pics up with links to their facebook or twitter. It’s cruel, often disgusting and sometimes really hot. From a corny dime piece from Scottsdale Arizona to a goth cutter girl to the fattest most disgusting pebble dicked guy from cleveland, this site has everything. It’s a veritable playground of humor and sadness. Funny captions and partially ruined lives all wrapped up into one. It’s also addictive. Scrolling through the pages I can’t help but think , if I were 10-15 years younger, how many or these people would I know. Or currently , what i would do if one of my nieces of nephews popped up on there. So far, so good…but still, that fear is always there just a little. Chris Rock said he just wants to keep his sons of crack and his daughters off the pole…well, add “Keep them off to that list.

But these pics of no-name 20 somethings from all over the world pale in comparison to the world of celebrity nude photos. I dunno who these phone hackers are but they’re doing gods work. It’s reached a level where nude picks are so common now, if I fancy a particular celebrity, it’s not a matter of IF I’ll ever see her naked, it’s when I’ll see her naked. At least about 75% of them. Recently, Both Christina Hendricks (the huge titted redhead from “Madmen”) and Olivia Munn ( a girl I’ve been in love with for like 5 years now) had photos leaked. Adding their names to the list that already contains the likes of Scar-jo, Jessica Alba, Rihanna, vanessa hudgeons and countless other girls I’d happily snuff out a homeless person for a night with.
Shit, i found this webpage in about 2 seconds of looking…
Now, this is all fine and dandy until it’s time for the hollywood clean up job. It is only then that we get to witness grade A bullshit ,running on all cylinders. Much like when my eyes saw R-kelly fucking and pissing on an underaged girl, the proof is in the pudding. I know some people are photoshop ninjas but there’s only so much you can alter and have the pics still look legit. So, to see publicists and actors/actresses deny the validity of these pics is , most of the time, comical. It’s like “hey bitch, WE KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!!!” But, as much as the evidence piles up (the internet is fantastic at doing detective work.IE:Finding other pics where the girls is wearing the same cloths, same phone ect…) the response is “It wasn’t me…”. But, we know…we know the truth. The beautiful truth.

Just once I’d like one of these people to own up to it. I mean, people have to an extent by “not denying” it or giving some sob story of how they took those pics for “themselves” but I want truth. I wanna hear “Well, the guy I’m fucking and I both travel a lot so sometimes , when we’re both bored and horny, we send each other nude pics. Some guys hacked my phone and got’em…and there you go.” Not only would that silence everyone but it would almost make it respectable. I don’t think there’s any normal person out there who would read that and be like “Whore!!” cause, in reality, we’ve all done something along those lines. Being driven by horniness is nothing new. I’m sure, in the heat of passion, a girl could talk me into all sorts of dumb shit if she asked at the right time…and I’m pretty practical. Imagine that power in the hands of someone using it against a person with no self control!

I like that nude pics are a thing now. It gives a wifed up dude like myself something to look forward to. Every few months, I get a surprise and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. I’m sure, in upcoming months, all sorts of tits and vaginas will be seen. If I can make some requests to the hacker out there: Meagan Good, Jessica Biel, Rosa acosta, Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried…just to name a few. And if those don’t work out, I won’t be mad at the Zooey Daeschanel, Katy perry and Ciara pics that will undoubtedly leak any day now. It’s only a matter of time.
And, not to echo the statements of Hunter Moore (the guy who runs but, in this day and age, if you really wanna not have this happen to you, simply don’t do it. It’s so easy NOT to take nudes and send them to people. Basically, you’re only as safe as your text/email history. Godspeed!