F%ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 11


Welcome to a local favorite, Fuck/marry/kill. If you don’t know the game, I honestly don’t know how you got on the internet, let alone found this website. As always, I’m totally joking…I wouldn’t marry or kill any of these people. I would fuck them though…so, you know, there’s some trust to a few of these. Anyway, let’s go…

F/M/K: Anna Chapman/Avril Lavigne/Ali MacGraw

Marry: Ali Macgraw

I’m assuming we’re doing this “In their prime” and not currently cause…well…I’d rather not imagine Ali Macgraw currently. Anyway, I Choose her to marry her cause she was a great example of “normal girl hot”. Meaning she’s was a very pretty girl that I could see meeting in real life. Sounds shallow? Well, fuck you cause I don’t really know enough about her to draw an opinion about her beyond how hot she used to be. I mean, I knew she was an actress and was married to Robert evans at one point…but that’s it. So, I Wiki’d her and , it turns out, she had an abortion in her 20’s. That leads me to believe she’s a woman who will take action when necessary. I can appreciate that. DId I mention she was normal girl hot? Put a ring on it.

Kill: Avril Lavingne

Between her and a sexy , real life spy? She’d die either way: Via me or at the hands of the female James Bond.
Beyond that, fuck Avril Lavigne. She’s been annoying (though fuckably so) since her first song and I’m pretty sure the world wouldn’t miss her. She’s just a thin lipped, big gummed canadian girl with a chip on her shoulder about being a bad ass, even though she’s about the size of 7 year old. She’s also an obnoxious , fall down drunk with anger issues. No thanks. (But to reiterate, I’d totally hit it)

Fuck: Anna Chapman

wait, you’re telling me this woman is like the real life “Salt” (the movie, not the mineral)? She’s fairly attractive and she does spy shit? Sign me up for that vagina…short term. I say that cause, as exciting as it would be, I’m a pretty boring dude. I just want the sex. You can have the “Adventure” part where people crash through windows and shit while I cower under the bed like a total pussy.

F/M/K: Amy Winehouse (pre-death) ,Courtney Love, Britney Spears

Kill: Courtney love

Little known fact about me: I am repulsed on every level by Courtney Love. You know how some people can’t stand fish or Vegetables? I’m that way about Courtney love. She deeply offends me. Not only does she look like a walking waterlogged corpse that just got pulled out of a swamp but she just seems like a terrible person. I mean, she killed Kurt Cobain guys! Imagine how much that would anger me if I actually gave a shit about Nirvana?!?! No, but seriously, she’s the worst and this is the easiest choice ever…

Fuck: Britney Spears

She’s literally the only marginally fuckable one of the three choices. Sure, I could marry her, but then I’m fucking Winehouse. Vomit. Britney has seen better days but, compared to the other two, she’s a ripe plum in her prime. Although, it’s funny how, the older she gets, the more she looks like Melissa Joan heart.

Marry: Amy Winehouse

This is a bit of a sociopathic pick. I don’t want to fuck or marry Winehouse. And you can’t kill what’s already dead (even though for the sake of this game, she’s still alive). But, I figure, a pre-death Winehouse was a total mess. Meaning, she was high as fuck all the time and just kinda doing her. With that in mind, our “Marriage” would consists of me saying “Whattup!” every time I got home to her ass passed out on the couch. I feel like it would be a marriage of freedom. And hell, if she ever got her shit together, I’d love to make music with her.

F/M/K: Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Katie Holmes

Marry: Kate Winslet

Some dudes go nuts for her. I personally think she’s very attractive but she’s never been my type (I say that in the most finicky way possible).
That said, she is a really good actress and seems to be fairly sane. Those two things rarely co-exist. So, in comparison to the others, I’d marry her. I could certainly do a lot worse…

Fuck: Katie Holmes

I find her head and shoulders hotter than the other options. Even in her current glazed over cult mom style, she’s still a very pretty woman. But, beyond that, I’d like to fuck her cause there’s something exciting about the concept of fucking someone out of a bad situation. I don’t know what her contract with Tom Cruise is but it seems like she’s under his spell. The chance to break that spell and, in a roundabout way, release her back into society is both exciting and honorable. Yes, this would be a fuck of honor.

Kill: Kate Blanchett

Blanchett is a polarizing figure amongst men. I know dude who think she’s incredibly hot. However, I’m not one of those dudes. To me, she looks kinda like a pale sea creature who works in a library. Much like Winslet, she can act her ass off, but that’s neither her nor there when discussing the prospect of sex, marriage and murder. I know nothing about her personal life but I know her face makes my dick invert. That’s all i really need to know, isn’t it?

F/M/K Game of thrones addition: daenerys targaryen, catelyn stark, lysa tully

Fuck: Daenerys Targaryen

Oh man…would I ever fuck her. BIG FAN of this bleached blonde dragon bitch. While I’d honestly both fuck and marry her, that’s not an option. She’s super loyal, knows how to please her man and is part dragon. However, she’s also kinda got crazy eyes. To me, that means: great sex and lots of drama. I’d honestly marry her little whore henchwoman too. it’s unfortunate she wasn’t included in this poll.

Marry: Catelyn Stark

I feel like it’s the right thing to do. She’s a new widow. Life is kicking her ass. Maybe all she needs is a good man who will listen, nod and tell her everything is gonna be okay. While I’m really bad at that, I’m sure I could do it for long enough until we’re all killed by dragons or whatever. (I haven’t read the books so ,please, don’t spoil anything for me)

Kill: Lysa Tully

I had to look this one up. She’s the younger sister of Catelyn Stark who breastfeeds her 9 year old son She’s a fucking creep and the world (or whatever it is they live on) would be a better place without her. I mean, come onnnn…she lets the son from “Get him to the greek” feed on her tits! It’s like watching an erotic harry potter fetish film. DEAD.

F/M/K: Major League Baseball ,NFL ,NBA

Marry: NBA

Easiest choice ever. It’s by far my favorite sport. The only one I play regularly. The only one I watch religiously. I would marry the shit out of Basketball. I would kill college basketball though…go figure.

Fuck: MLB

This is actually kinda perfect. I like baseball a lot. I grew up playing it. But I don’t love it. I can watch Yankees and mets games. They’re great during the day when I’m hungover cause you can watch them while doing other things. But , If I missed a game, it’s no big deal. That’s kinda how I used to feel about sex with random girls. It was fun but nothing too serious.
Baseball can be boring, so marrying it would be a bad choice. But checking it with it every now and then just to make sure it’s still there? Perfect.

Kill: NFL

Sue me. I don’t like football. I mean, i can sit through it if I have to. I can even get into it at times, if the game is good. But I have no connection to football. I didn’t play it growing up. My dad watched it but I never understood what was going on. It’s a game full of tiny rules that are constantly being enforced. Sure, the rules are necessary but, to outside eyes, it’s just kinda slow and sloppy. I realize baseball is way more boring but , if you know how to play and what to look for, it’s pretty insane. So, sorry America. I realize football is your #1 sport but I’m killing that shit. If for nothing more than never having to see another halftime show.

8 thoughts on “F%ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 11

  1. I don’t think it’s fair to compare a pre-death Winehouse to zombie Courtney Love.

    She’s a zombie in that picture, right?

  2. Im sorry but Kate Winslett while having a very pretty face, has got shitty titties. Katie Holmes would lie there staring at cieling thinking that just but letting you fuck her that you MUST be having the time of your life. Cate Blanchett…I’m that guy…is quite a piece…she would tear you up in bed…I’m talking wild as fuck riding you and shit…then she would wrap you in a blanket and later draw a bath for you and cook dinner while you did nothing. Seriously man…

    did I say too much?

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