Ask Dr. Tony vol. 14


There comes a time in all of our lives when we need answers. If those answers are pertaining to matters of the heart, you could ask a friend and close family member or even a professional…but what do they really know? No, in these situations, the best person to ask for straight forward advice is obviously a niche hip hop producer with a blog. Why? Cause I don’t know you. I’m not gonna sugar coat it and tell you everything is going to be okay. So, if you have any questions of the heart, send them my way
( phatfriendblog@gmail.com )
, and I will be happy to answer them for you. It’s all anonymous and no one gets hurt.
So, with that, let’s go fix some lives…

Dr. Tony, was reading your blog & decided what the hell, I need some advise. I was really interested in this one girl from my school. She loves hip hop (listens to DITC, EPMD, Wu, etc., hates pop music), DJs, artistic, athletic & down to earth. We’re both around the same age as well. Out of all the girls I dealt with, she was the coolest. It was like looking at a female version of me, shit, we even cussed the same. Met her at a friend’s house jam while she was playing Sean Price, so it was a given. Friends who were there, saw the interaction & said that there was a definite chemistry between us (verbal & physical interactions & all).

After that, we gradually talked like every other day, chilled from time to time, shared music, etc. I know she was feeling me, but wasn’t sure to what extent. Personality-wise, she’s very defensive (i.e. would call guys that would try to hit on her “bitches”) but she would open up to me about her family, background, etc (we’re both from different ethnicities). It got to a point where I wanted to tell her what was up but never found the chance to say it, but I had a feeling she knew. For the record, I didn’t do any “nice guy” shit, I always kept it flirtatious & interesting from time to time, also came to a point where I palmed her ass at a formal & she playfully cussed me off (tangent – gotdamn that ass was fine).

Fast forward to one fateful event, she gave me a blue balled night after telling me to come with her to an EPMD concert (wasn’t the biggest fan too). I thought it’d be a night of alone time with her but…she brought her boys with her & to make matters worst, EPMD’s flight was cancelled. I ended up drinking with some of my boys in a bar while she drove away with her entourage. I was upset & indirectly showed it when she tried talking to me thru text to apologize for the night. She eventually made things up by asking me to go to the BCC concert with her later on…she only brought her sister (also a cool girl). But I know I had to get things over with. We went out for coffee some time after that & I finally let her know I liked her. Long story short, she never gave a direct answer to moving things forward with me or moving me to the friend zone. She said something like “I’m not the type of person to tell someone to make them feel falsely good or falsely bad”.

We still talk, but on a neutral basis & pretty much, I moved on. Hope you read my story but I just wanted to give you the details for this situation. Was I f-zoned like Vast Aire? Should I have moved faster? What would you have done?

Oh, you were friend zoned alright. Friend zoned like a motherfucker. I can relate to this so much it makes my stomach hurt. You basically described my entire senior year of high school (minus the “going to hip hop shows with girls”, which is a total nightmare. Also, do you live in 1993? Where are all these old hip hop shows happening?). Now, your question is if you should have acted sooner? Obviously. You did the honorable thing in getting to know her better but there’s a good chance that your window of attractiveness to her closed fairly early. Like, you had a moment where it could of happened, it didn’t and she was like “Oh well, fuck it…NOW WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.”
Also, judging from you description of her, she sounds like a pretty hard nut to crack. OR she’s insecure and goes out of her way to come off a non-girlish as possible. I’ve known tons of girls like this and they always have tons of male friends, most of whom wanna hit it. So, instead of just picking one she likes from that group of male friends, she keeps them all at arms length and ends up hooking up with random types of guys who are nothing like her immediate friend circle. I don’t blame that way of thinking though cause , as we all know, you shouldn’t shit where you eat.
I think this is one of those situation that you just chalk up to bad timing on your part. It’s not your fault. You did the good guy thing, she just wasn’t a good guy type of girl. I mean, it would seem she looks at any respectful and sensitive male act as bitchassedness. Who knows, she may have a change of heart down the line after she makes a few mistakes. But, one thing I’d advise against is acting like a salty bitch about it. Don’t pressure her. Don’t get frustrated and say some dumb shit. Just let it be. She doesn’t sound like the type of girl that is trying to hear that sensitive, passive aggressive type of shit from a man, so ease back and just see what happens. In the meantime, fuck bitches and get money.

Yo Block im in a tough situation im in love with this girl she calls me her ‘bff’ anyways im in love with her and cannot stop thinking about her but i know she doesnt feel the same way cause she tells me who shes fucking, dating, etc. Shes the only girl i like cause all the ones i know are straight grimey and i dont want to waste time on meeting a new girl. I’ve known this girl for about 4 years and i think she’s the one for me but i am friend zoned!!!! What do i do? Sometimes i just wanna stop talking to her completely cause its very frustrating being friend zoned. I try and move on and talk to other girls but i just cant cause they are grime but i would appreciate your insight on this horrible and unfortunate event.

This is an extension of the first question concerning being “Friend zoned”. I’m afraid there is no definitive way out of the friend zone. Dudes get friend zoned for multiple reasons: Being too nice. Not being attractive to the girl. To seeming sexual to them. Being “brotherly”.
Whatever the reason, it’s beyond your power to change it. THE ONLY thing I’ve seen work is when the dude in the friend zone simply stops giving a fuck. When the dude just loses interest in the girl, stops calling and moves on, he somehow becomes more attractive to the girl. Keep in mind, this is not the norm and, in many cases, the girl will not give a shit either way. But, if there was ever a chance for a spark, that indifference somehow seems to ignite it. Like i said in the above question, the worst thing a dude can do, when friend zoned, is to get pissy about it. Acting childish isn’t helping anyone and it just makes you look pathetic. So don’t do that. You could either just ride it out and hope she has a change of heart at some point in her life (which she probably won’t), you can totally cut her off like a scorned little bitch-ass (which I honestly don’t see that big a problem with in the long run) or you could just move her down on your priority list.
The last one is most devious in the sense that, assuming you guys are actually friends, you’re toying with that whole relationship. But if you’re a “by any mean necessary” kinda dude, then being aloof might be the answer. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t give a fuck and you move on regardless. WINNERS!

My girlfriend’s breath started stinking recently. We’ve been going out for a while so it’s not like i’m going to break up with her because of it. How do I go about telling her to change up the game without making it seem obvious that her breath is stank?

Listen, there are nice and mean ways to say things. If your girl’s mouth smells like a homeless persons underwear, you gotta just approach the subject carefully. Phrasing is key. Don’t attack her like she’s purposely doing something wrong. Just calmly approach the subject like an adult. I gotta think she’s aware on some level. If you wanna be coy about it, simply just offer her gum constantly. Does she smoke cigarettes? Is she bulimic? Does she only eat garlic based foods? Perhaps she has acid reflux? Whatever the source of this funk, try and figure it out and nip it in the bud. Not being able to kiss your significant other cause they’re breath might melt your teeth is a deal breaker…so if you wanna fix the situation, just approach it tenderly.

Yo, if you see a friend’s gf in a porno you should definitely just keep your mouth shut right?

Damn…I mean…I dunno if i could keep something like that to myself. Assuming you know for sure your friend is in the dark, this is one of those tread lightly situations. It also would be good if you can find out when the porn was made. It would certainly lessen the blow if it were before him.
If you feel like you should tell him but don’t want to be the fall guy you could always anonymously mail him the dvd or make a fake email address and email him the clip. Sure, it’ll be brutal for him but I feel like that’s something you might wanna know if you’re gonna get serious with a girl.
For all you know he’s aware of it and jerks off to it all the time.

The other option would be to just stay the fuck out of it and quietly judge her every time you see her. That’s always a fun way to go about anything.

my ex and i went thru a dramatic breakup in late Jan and he ended up leaving me for another girl. he asked me to stay his best friend and i told him to fuck off.
zero contact since then, but a lil over a week ago he randomly msg’d me saying that he missed me and that i should text him. i told him that i didn’t think that was such a good idea.
i dunno anything about his life right now so idk why he would have done that. i kinda feel like texting him but that would prolly just bring all of my feelings back and idk if he is still with that other girl.
why would he have randomly msg’d me like that? should i just stay away?

Stay away. Stay faaaaaaaar away. I don’t know what his angle is but it can’t be anything good. Here’s the facts:
He left you for another girl.
He tried to keep you in his back pocket with that “let’s stay friends” bullshit.

Now he’s back on some “I miss you shit” and this can mean a few things.
1)Him and the girl he left you for is not panning out like he thought it would so he went back to what he knows.
2) Things with the other girl are okay but he wants to keep you roped in just in case , so he reached out to you just to make sure his barbs are still attached. This kinda thing can go on forever cause dudes are very territorial when it comes to ex girlfriend. In our minds, we like to think, if it came down to it, we could always get back our ex’s and , if not that, at least we wanna know they still pine for us on some level. It’s some ego-maniacal shit but lots of dudes think like that.
3) Things are great with the new girl and he’s just one of those cheating types and knows you’re an easy mark cause of the strong feelings you had for him.
4)Things are totally over with the new girl and he’s lonely.

There are no other reasons. He’s not reaching out cause he’s a good guy or cause he cares about how you’re doing. The fact that he misses you (which could be both true or bullshit) is just his way back in. DO NOT do it. He left you once, you think he won’t do it again? A wise man once said ” A man is only as loyal as his options”. Now, that quote is not totally true (as there are some good guys on the planet) but in the case of the guys who dumps you for another girl , tells you to stay friends and then pops back up mysteriously, that shit is the truth.

Stay away. He’ll just pick up and leave again when something new comes around and you’ll be fucked over twice.

7 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony vol. 14

  1. My ex and I broke up about 7 months ago and have had zero contact since then until just recently. I often questioned her morality and sensed that she was and always had been a lying cunt.
    She had some serious daddy issues, as in, never had one, and for the last 5 or so years of her life went literally right from one relationship to the next. This happened with the guy before me, and even though she claimed not to be seeing anyone upon us breaking up, came to find out that she intact did have a boyfriend shortly after. Cunt.
    Like I said, no contact for 7 months and out of the blue recently, she texts me saying, “I know you hate me, but I hope you are doing well.”
    My first though was, bitch, followed by if she REALLY hoped I was doing well, why not sooner when I was still torn up about this shit?
    She’s not the nice kind of girl unless its toward something that will fully benefit her, the true definition of a cunt. Yet, I still think about her often, all cuntyness aside, and a part of me wishes I was still with her.
    It’s hard to recognize the shitty aspects of a person when things are good, but when they’re bad, every little cunty aspect of her personality was brought to my attention. It was a constant struggle between absolutely despising this bitch but also loving her more than anything. Now I sound like the nutjob.
    I guess my question is, why would she text me if she knew that I hated her, which I do and as far as I know, has/had a boyfriend. I did respond and opted to fully be an asshole basically telling her to leave me the fuck alone.
    Should I have taken a different route since I still obviously care about her for some sick fucking reason?
    Thanks Dr. Tony

    • ahhh! your situation sounds a lot like what i went thru. i’m the chick from the last question. i also miss my asshole ex all of the time, but like Tony said, it would be best to stay away if you have any doubts whatsoever about their intentions. i know what you mean about loving them more than anything, as i had made up my mind to stay w/ them thru anything. but, i’m def going to listen to the Love Doctor and just try my best to move on forward.

      • Ditto that. It’s like heroin… you know it’s bad, but it just feels so so goooooood. And you can’t just have a taste here and there, because before you know it, you’ll be back to old habits and cursing the day you fell off the wagon.

  2. So, Dr.Tony, since you seem like a knowledgeable man, and since I met you the other night, I thought that maybe you could help me out.
    Earlier in the school year, I have to admit I was kind of a weirdo. I wasn’t like a creep or anything, I just had a problem fitting in. The big problem was I tried to be…different.
    Well since then I’ve normal’d up, and I’ve got some good friends. The only real problem is that it left a lasting impression on the women.
    Now note, I’m not going for the dumb ho’s, I’m more into the cute ones, but, I kinda want to be able to rest assured that nobody has any real problems with me anymore. Any advice?

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