A while back I wrote a piece about how creepy I find old virgins. Of course, I was talking about people in their 30’s….little did I know that , somewhere out there, there was a game changing virgin. Meet Pam Shaw. She is a 70 year old virgin. She just recently decided it might be time for her to get into the game and has stepped up her pursuit of finding that mister right. Again, she’s fucking 70.
Sure, looking at this picture may bring to mind the type of gal you’d see at the end of pretty much any dive bar on the planet. That lady who’s there every night getting sloshed on straight bourbon that most regular patrons have regretfully slept with once. But no…she could not be further from that. Truly, you cannot judge a book by it’s cover. Even an old ,out of print book with a wrinkled ass cover.
Now, typically, when someone is a 70 year old virgin they’re either priest, a nun, or the elephant man. In her case, she’s a cabaret dancer. Wait…what? A 70 year old career burlesque dancer being a virgin is like a 70 year old lifelong stripper announcing she’s ready to finally try coke. If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering why. What could possibly be the reason behind her keeping her legs shut all these years. Well, according to her,
1)She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage
Okay…fair enough. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is a solid 8. No one can really argue another persons morals and this is as bulletproof as it gets.
2)She’s been waiting for a tall dark millionaire
Umm…okay. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is about a 4. Call me crazy but, if you’re a lady holding your vagina hostage over the prospect of landing a millionaire (who also happens to be handsome), you’re kind of a piece of shit.
3)She’s been “Too focused” on her career as a cabaret dancer
huh? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
On a scale of 1-10? NEGATIVE FIVE BILLION. That’s like me not eating for 3 days cause I was too focused on my tweeting.
So, why does this qualify for “things that are wrong with the world”? Well, cause her list and her lifestyle speak of something deeper than just an elderly woman who hasn’t had sex for mostly shallow reasons. To me, this is yet another case of people thinking they’re special when they’re not. More specifically, she thinks her vagina is special. Now, before you get all worked up, let me clarify, she’s obviously entitled to do whatever she wants with her body. If she wants to wait for prince charming to tip drill her on her death bed, that’s fine. But the point is bigger than that. If she was just some religious nut I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. But no, this is the same to me as watching those entitled little assholes on “Sweet Sixteen”. It’s people thinking the deserve more than they do cause they think they’re special. People who that I could tell you that ,without even knowing them, are not only not special. In all likelihood, they’re , at best, painfully average. In a way, Pam’s entitlement was ahead of the time. While it’s the norm now for people to assume just cause they are living , breathing beings that they are automatically owed things, Pam was a trailblazer. She knew, from a young age, that unless the guy was rich , handsome and would put a ring on her, she wasn’t gonna bend. And she didn’t…and there’s a good chance she’ll die with that hymen intact. Well played, Pam.
There’s nothing wrong with setting high expectations for yourself. I’ve got more respect for someone like Pam the virgin for not fucking any guy she’s ever met than I do a dude who literally has no standards and will fuck ANY girl. But to reach 70 without having that epiphany that “hmm…maybe this isn’t that big a deal. Perhaps my happiness is bigger than whether or not I let a man put his penis in my vagina which, by the way, I’ve been told is actually pleasurable for me” is just crazy to me. That’s something you would start , at the least, weighing out in your head in your mid-30’s. I refuse to believe she was “too focused” getting her steps down for the local wolverhampton burlesque troupe theater house to have “time” to find an at least somewhat decent suitor.
I mean, look at her in her prime
She was fairly cute. I don’t doubt tons of dudes were coming at her. But, alas, they probably weren’t rich enough…or handsome enough. Not for Pam, the career burlesque dancer.
Now, I’m running on 100% assumptions here. I can admit that. All i know about her are the facts. And I’m not offended that she’s a virgin simply because she’s a virgin. I’m bothered that it was done with an air of “no one will ever be good enough for me and my sacred vagina”. Perhaps I’m reading into it wrong and she’s just a diehard romantic. But, even if that’s the case, SHE’S 70. Time to readjust those standards a hair.
In a way though, maybe it’s for the best. On one hand, she never had kids. I support that as a means of population control. She’s also never harmed anyone by being a virgin. I think I just take issue with people who figure things out late in life that most people figure out in high school. It will be funny when/if she actually does have sex and has the realization “oh wait, THIS is what I waited for all these years?”. I’m sure her first time will be very special. But I guarantee that by the fifth time she’ll be reevaluating her entire existence.