Answers for questions vol. 86


Hello everyone. How are you on the fine rainy day? Well, it’s raining here at least. It’s probably sunny where you live. Fuck yo’ sun!
Anyway, if you have questions, leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
Oh, by the way, I’ll no longer be answering questions like “Hey, do you like this song/group/album?” Why? Cause that’s a boring fucking question and, honestly, I’m far too removed from new music/random electronic genre’s to even have a real opinion on anything. So, if you have sent me one of those in the last few weeks, assume it’s been ignored.
Okay…let’s go.

Would you be on twitter if you had nothing to promote? I feel like most ordinary people would use it as a news feed, to see what’s going on, but the average person seems more about replying to “celebrities” and hoping they respond. I have an account, made like 10 tweets. 9-10 of them replying to the people I am following. One or two have responded, Tim Burgess of The Charlatns being surprisingly willing to chat and quite a cool guy, but I almost feel like I am being that guy that I would normally dislike. I have a solid group of friends, few of which are on Twitter, so am I on their simply for celebrity worship? I would be willing to bet that the majority of people that use it for promoting their work and that of their friends don’t follow many or any of the people that are just “fans” and that makes sense. When I read that Blockhead lost his shoe in the subway, I think “oh I know who that guy is from his music”, but if I tweet I lost my shoe…I mean, who really, even among my own friends gives a shit? Do you ever read a fans profile enough to be like “Joe really hates paying taxes, how interesting!” or “wow my fans are kind of scary”? Now if (insert YOUR favorite artist) says the exact same shit, does it somehow become more interesting?

I think twitter is for three things and three things only. The promote, To get up to the minute updates on the news and to be funny. That’s it. I truly don’t understand people who sign up on there just to give minutia updates of their boring fucking lives. Especially when they’ve got like 4 followers and they’re constantly retweeting things and tweeting shit like “Time to go to work! :)”. People like that should probably just lose all internet privileges in general as they obviously haven’t figured out who things work.

If I was just Tony from the block (don’t be fooled that the rock that I got…), I’d probably not have a twitter. In fact, I put off twitter for a looooonnnnngg time because I didn’t want to have another social network to obsess over. Though, seeing as I primarily use it as a place to make jokes, maybe I would use it. But, it would be a “if a tree falls in the woods” type situation cause, without followers, twitter doesn’t make sense. A persons amount of followers is what gives them power on twitter. Someone like CoCo can tweet the most idiotic thing that will reach almost a million people, while actual smart and funny people are just shouting into a vacuum. Honestly, one of the most annoying/pitiful things on twitter is when some random hot girl has like 20,000 followers because she’s a random hot girl. That shit boggles my mind. It’s not like she’s tweeting nude pictures or promoting the next time she’s trying to be taken out on a date by some random dude on twitter. She’s just updating her stupid fucking life…and dudes follow her in droves. It basically just asking you timeline to filled with shit like “OMG, why haterz wanna front?!!? I go hard in da paint for my girlz”.

As for the Celebrity worship, I understand that. I mean, twitter is a place where a person is just a click a way from interacting with someone they admire. Granted, I’d guess that most of the celebrities out there don’t tweet back but I could see how people would be into the idea of having that power.

I was curious if you liked HBO’s OZ? You’re the watch it all king and I wanted to
know what you thought.
(IF you’re a fan and enjoyed the performance that Christopher Meloni gave as an
actor because he’s going to be in the new season of True Blood..Hence leaving
SVU.)

I did like OZ. I’m a sucker for things about jails. Be it documentaries or fiction. That shit fascinates me.
In the case of Oz, I was with it for a while but I felt it got a little out of hand towards the latter seasons. It seemed like they were just reaching for plot lines and it got a little TOO unrealistic for my taste. It is funny to watch it now and see all the people who ended up being either famous or who became beloved characters on “The wire”. It was like the minor leagues for “The Wire”.

I was gonna email you a question about this, but since you’re on Music By Cavelight today… I’m fascinated that you went into it with no overarching plan. I’ve always thought of it as a really cohesive record. Also, I’m a bass player, and I nerded out right away on the bass part in “Triptych Pt 3.” I love the progression and feel, I sat down with it and learned to play it. But I’ve always wondered about it — is it live (and if so, who played it?), sampled, synth bass? It sounds real (the sound of wound strings sliding over frets, the percussive strike of a pick, etc.), but these days you never know. So…what’s the deal?

That was played by Damien paris. He’s the dude who’s played pretty much all the guitar and bass on all my records. He’s a guitarist in the group “The Giraffes”.
As for that particular song, he came through to Baby Dayliner’s crib, where I was recording the album. He was in a deep flu/nyquil haze. Because our recording set up was a little less than professional, he recorded that whole thing under some towels , next to the speaker. I can’t even fathom why we would do that, but I have a clear memory of him looking like a fucked up ghost, being completely covered up and just playing that riff. Whatever the case, he killed it cause that’s definitely one of the most beloved parts of that entire album.

Situation: You are locked in a basement…you were drugged…youre confused…you are now missing your right hand…but, it can still be attatched. the only way it can be attached/you getting out of the basement is to bang a shemale…and she looks like Mr.Bean….WOULD YOU?!

Hahahahahahaa…The fact you needed to even add that the she-male looked like Mr. Bean is pretty great.

I think I’d pass. Not only cause I REALLY do not want to bang the she-male Mr. Bean but cause, if my hand if missing, even if they could reattach it, it’s not like it would function well anyway. I’d basically be fucking the she-male just to have a dead hand sewed back on to my wrist.

How’s Skelethon and what’s your favorite track?

To those who don’t know, “Skelethon” is Aesop’s new album. Before you ask, I did no beats on it. Aes did them all and he really knocked it out the park. Seriously…it’s front to back dope.
I’d say my favorite songs are “zzz top” and “Gopher guts”. None of you have heard these songs yet but, in a month or so when it inevitably leaks, you’ll see what I mean.
Oh, and I recently did a remix for “Zero Dark 30” that should be dropping around the time the album does.

A little bg info for my question: I recently started playing bball with my friends, we get some good 4v4 games going and sometimes we end up playing pick up games with other guys at the court. With my friends I’m the worst on the court but I still find ways to be useful. When I play with random people, they assume I’m very skilled because I’m really tall, but unfortunately that isn’t the case. I cover my man, play some D, make passes and I always keep up with the game. But some skills only come from practice and can’t be replaced by enthusiasm.

So my question:
Do you have any advice for pickup basketball games where you know you’re (one of) the least experienced players on the court? Do you have any “do’s and don’ts” for pickup games?

Well, first off , I wrote this a while back:
https://phatfriend.com/2010/08/16/ballin-some-rules-for-pick-up-basketball/

That should help. But, your question if specifically about being the shittiest guy on the court so let me get into that.
If you’re that one guy who’s not very good , your best bet it to focus on defense and rebounding. If the ball comes to you and you don’t have a wide open shot , pass it and keep moving. Usually, if a guy is the worst on the court, other people will notice and ease up of him defensively. This will open up doors for you to get rebounds and maybe even cut to the hoop for an easy lay up. As long as you’re not forcing shots up and throwing the ball away, your team will be okay with you missing some easy shots cause , at least you’re in the right place.
As for defense, just do your best to not let the guy you’re guarding score (DUH). I’ve played with tons of terrible players who’s only asset was being an pesky defender. They couldn’t shoot, dribble or jump but they knew how to annoy whoever they were defending, within the rules of the game. I always want that guy on my team cause it sucks when he’s guarding you. Basically , just know your role. There’s nothing worse, in pick up basketball, than the guy who doesn’t know his role within that game.

Do you ever listen to other underground artists tunes when they send you tracks?

I’m glad you asked this cause I’d really like to get this out there. In fact, lemme throw this shit in all caps…
I NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING ANYONE SENDS ME. I’M NOT A RECORD LABEL. I DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT ANYONE ON AND, IF I DID, IT WOULDN’T BE SOME STRANGER WHO EMAILED ME A LINK.

Back in the day, I used to say I wouldn’t listen to demo’s and such cause if you listen to one, then you gotta listen to them all. This was true. Just checking out one and giving feedback is enough to open the flood gates. Nowadays, i still say that but with an added bit of “dude, I really have no interest in peeping your music” mostly cause i think people who send me stuff assume I have different taste in music than I actually have. For one, I don’t really listen to any instrumental stuff. Or I’ll get some weirdo white space rap that’s just not my cup of tea.

With that said, I’ve been thinking about doing a demo review corner on this blog. The catch would be that I’d be totally honest. I’m not talking about going out of my way to shit on things but, if I must, I would. Is that something you guys might be into? As buding artists, could you handle the honesty? Hmm…truthfully, the thought of all the entries I’d get kinda horrifies me but I guess that’s the point.

What is the best/biggest show you’ve ever played?
I’ve played a bunch of music festivals so it’s hard to gauge. Thousands? I doubt over 5000.

How many girls have you banged?

Obviously, I’m not gonna answer that with a number but i’ll say this: Enough to not be ashamed of myself but less than I wish I had.
So, to answer your question, more than 20 but less than one million.

Things that are wrong with the world vol. 25


A while back I wrote a piece about how creepy I find old virgins. Of course, I was talking about people in their 30’s….little did I know that , somewhere out there, there was a game changing virgin. Meet Pam Shaw. She is a 70 year old virgin. She just recently decided it might be time for her to get into the game and has stepped up her pursuit of finding that mister right. Again, she’s fucking 70.

Sure, looking at this picture may bring to mind the type of gal you’d see at the end of pretty much any dive bar on the planet. That lady who’s there every night getting sloshed on straight bourbon that most regular patrons have regretfully slept with once. But no…she could not be further from that. Truly, you cannot judge a book by it’s cover. Even an old ,out of print book with a wrinkled ass cover.
Now, typically, when someone is a 70 year old virgin they’re either priest, a nun, or the elephant man. In her case, she’s a cabaret dancer. Wait…what? A 70 year old career burlesque dancer being a virgin is like a 70 year old lifelong stripper announcing she’s ready to finally try coke. If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering why. What could possibly be the reason behind her keeping her legs shut all these years. Well, according to her,
1)She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage
Okay…fair enough. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is a solid 8. No one can really argue another persons morals and this is as bulletproof as it gets.
2)She’s been waiting for a tall dark millionaire
Umm…okay. On a scale of 1-10, this reason is about a 4. Call me crazy but, if you’re a lady holding your vagina hostage over the prospect of landing a millionaire (who also happens to be handsome), you’re kind of a piece of shit.
3)She’s been “Too focused” on her career as a cabaret dancer
huh? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
On a scale of 1-10? NEGATIVE FIVE BILLION. That’s like me not eating for 3 days cause I was too focused on my tweeting.

So, why does this qualify for “things that are wrong with the world”? Well, cause her list and her lifestyle speak of something deeper than just an elderly woman who hasn’t had sex for mostly shallow reasons. To me, this is yet another case of people thinking they’re special when they’re not. More specifically, she thinks her vagina is special. Now, before you get all worked up, let me clarify, she’s obviously entitled to do whatever she wants with her body. If she wants to wait for prince charming to tip drill her on her death bed, that’s fine. But the point is bigger than that. If she was just some religious nut I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. But no, this is the same to me as watching those entitled little assholes on “Sweet Sixteen”. It’s people thinking the deserve more than they do cause they think they’re special. People who that I could tell you that ,without even knowing them, are not only not special. In all likelihood, they’re , at best, painfully average. In a way, Pam’s entitlement was ahead of the time. While it’s the norm now for people to assume just cause they are living , breathing beings that they are automatically owed things, Pam was a trailblazer. She knew, from a young age, that unless the guy was rich , handsome and would put a ring on her, she wasn’t gonna bend. And she didn’t…and there’s a good chance she’ll die with that hymen intact. Well played, Pam.

There’s nothing wrong with setting high expectations for yourself. I’ve got more respect for someone like Pam the virgin for not fucking any guy she’s ever met than I do a dude who literally has no standards and will fuck ANY girl. But to reach 70 without having that epiphany that “hmm…maybe this isn’t that big a deal. Perhaps my happiness is bigger than whether or not I let a man put his penis in my vagina which, by the way, I’ve been told is actually pleasurable for me” is just crazy to me. That’s something you would start , at the least, weighing out in your head in your mid-30’s. I refuse to believe she was “too focused” getting her steps down for the local wolverhampton burlesque troupe theater house to have “time” to find an at least somewhat decent suitor.
I mean, look at her in her prime

She was fairly cute. I don’t doubt tons of dudes were coming at her. But, alas, they probably weren’t rich enough…or handsome enough. Not for Pam, the career burlesque dancer.
Now, I’m running on 100% assumptions here. I can admit that. All i know about her are the facts. And I’m not offended that she’s a virgin simply because she’s a virgin. I’m bothered that it was done with an air of “no one will ever be good enough for me and my sacred vagina”. Perhaps I’m reading into it wrong and she’s just a diehard romantic. But, even if that’s the case, SHE’S 70. Time to readjust those standards a hair.

In a way though, maybe it’s for the best. On one hand, she never had kids. I support that as a means of population control. She’s also never harmed anyone by being a virgin. I think I just take issue with people who figure things out late in life that most people figure out in high school. It will be funny when/if she actually does have sex and has the realization “oh wait, THIS is what I waited for all these years?”. I’m sure her first time will be very special. But I guarantee that by the fifth time she’ll be reevaluating her entire existence.

Song of the day 5/17/12


The Morning Sun By Baby Dayliner
http://www.hulkshare.com/embed_mp3.php?fn=9ayq4xb1ql0a&bg=000000&fg=71C90C
Baby Dayliner is a name you might recognize when affiliated with my solo albums. He’s mixed 3 of them, played instruments on a few of them and is featured on the newest one. What you may not know, is that he’s an amazing artist himself. He’s been making music for as long as I can remember and it’s possibly the hardest to define genre ever. So, here’s a free song by him (one that was actually never released).
While we’re here, though, I figured I throw up some other youtube clips of his just so you could all see the versatility:


Oh, and it might be a good time to go into a little detail behind our collaboration on my newest album. The song “Beyond Reach”.

A lot of people have been asking me about this song , as it’s the only song with vocals I’ve ever had on any of my solo albums…So let me just clear things up.
While this is a song with vocals, technically , it’s sampled. The vocals and piano on this song were actually sampled of a song Baby Dayliner did in the mid 90’s. It’s a song that I always loved and wanted to do something with but never really got around to it. When I began working on this album, it popped up in my head and I asked him if he’d mind if I basically just remixed it. All we had to work with was an MP# ripped from a cassette. No multi tracks. This song was originally made on a four track and pretty much was only heard by like 10 people ever. The original was just Dayliner singing over the piano piece , while an old piano timer clicked away quietly in the background. Really, the lack of any percussion made me playing with it possible.
Aside from loving the song, I figured it fit well into the theme of my album as it was made in the years that the album is dedicated to. The early/mid 90’s was a much different time but there is a timeless aspect to it in my mind. No matter how ridiculous our cloths were or what kinda shit we were into, that era will always resonate with me more than any other. This song, much like my entire new album, is an ode to that time.

Allow me to complain about some first world problems


Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a spoiled motherfucker. You’ve got internet…on your phone! or a computer! Or access to a place that has the internet. I’m sure there are a few exceptions (shout out to all my readers in the himalayan mountains!) but let’s all do each other a favor and just accept that we, as a people, are lucky. So, when reading this, feel free to leave all the “Quit complaining about first world problems blah blah blah” bullshit alone. Trust me, I know.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about modern conveniences. We’ve come a long way. I remember the days of rotary phones, smoking on planes , cassette tapes and graffiti on the subway. It’s crazy to think those days aren’t even 30 years ago…but here we are, in 2012. Everything is easy. The world is now child proof and one of the best things about it is that things that were once thought to be impossible, are now a swipe of the finger away.

Louis CK does a whole bit about how spoiled we are, in respect to how entitled we feel about all these new advancements in technology.

He’s certainly not wrong but, personally, I feel since we’re here, and the technology exists, let’s quit fucking around and just get everything to where it needs to me. So, here’s my list of things that need to be done , just for the sake of the entitled people on this planet (IE: us). We’ve earned it (by sitting around and waiting for much smarter people figure shit out for us).

1) Free internet everywhere
Have you ever noticed the shittier the hotel the the higher likelihood your internet access is free? OR have you ever noticed how only SOME airports have free internet access? Listen, i realize there’s a lot of money in charing people for the internet but I think we’ve reached the point where the internet should just be treated like water. It should be everywhere and it should be on the fucking house. Most people can use their phones anyway…just give up the goods, bro.
Speaking of airports, how bout we add about a million more power sources while we’re at it? Instead of 4 people hovering around one of those docks while everyone else waits for Brad’s ipod to fully charge, just throw some fucking sockets all over for people to use.


2)Separators between urinals
This isn’t a technological thing. It’s just a pleasant thing I think all men can agree on. Much like open showers , the wide open urinal is just sort of annoying. Sure, it’s not the end of the world but it results in all sorts of shamed hunching or reckless bravado that simply putting that divider up would be the right thing to do.
God forbid you have to piss at one of those shithole bars where they give you a trough filled with ice. It’s pretty much just a low sink. Just throw a piece of wood up between the urinals. It’s really not that hard to do.

3) Waiting
We all hate waiting. I think that’s one inconvenience that no amount of technology with be able to fix. Yesterday I was in a post office line for 35 minutes…just to get stamps. The line was almost out the door and they still managed to have only two windows open. That would be fine if I didn’t see like 9 other people aimlessly roaming around and having casual discussions in the back who could have easily just opened a few more windows of service. When i see that, I gotta think it’s just these people being assholes. Fair play to them though , as the customers in post offices tend to be twice as bad as the people who work there. However, I bring it up cause it’s an example of how we’ve been conditioned to wait, regardless of how huge an inconvenience it is. The post office is one thing but when it transfers into your home, a line has been crossed. Case in point, waiting for a cable guy…or an exterminator…or a plumber. Basically, anyone who’s job it is to come fix some shit that results in them getting paid. Now, I’m not blaming these men individually. I know they work hard and how soon they get there is based on a full day that has happened before you even come into the picture. My beef is with the insane windows of time. Like “Okay, we’re sending a guy over tomorrow. He’ll be there sometime between 8 am and 4 pm. Be sure to be home.”
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT. Two hour windows of time TOPS. Anything else is just cruel. I mean, shit, what if I have a 9-5 job? I can’t be home during the day. I guess my broken toilet will just have to remain broken forever. My point is, there’s a better way. Different hours can be worked. It’s so simple and logical yet it’s never gonna fucking happen.

4)Tv’s on planes
Jet Blue set the standard. You either follow suit or go fuck yourself. I fly all the time so this is near and dear to my heart. I’ve been on 5 hour flights where there isn’t even a communal screen. FIVE FUCKING HOURS OF READING THE SKY MALL MAGAZINE. This is even more unacceptable cause , even as a kid, all long flights at least had a movie. In 2012, devolving is unacceptable. I get cutting costs on food service and charging to check bags. Those are both complete bullshit (like turning off ALL electronic devices when the plane takes off and lands) but it’s a money thing. But entertainment on flights should be second only to “Will the plane crash?”. Having to watch whatever shitty Kathrine Heigl movie is playing on the community screen is bad enough, but nothing? Get the fuck outta here with that wright brothers ass shit.
Much like universal health care, there should be a plan to have tv’s (with access to live television or movies) on the back of every seat on every plane. I realize this probably isn’t cheap but go fuck yourself. Flying sucks. The least you can do is try and help us forget it. I’m looking at you United, continental and Delta. Get your shit together.

5) Internet/instruction language
You ever go to a website where there are instructions for attaining something? Or perhaps you just bought a new piece of expensive electronic goods. Whatever the case, I always feel like the instructions are just unnecessarily difficult. This has a lot to do with the language they use. Instead of just speaking in layman’s terms, they go the technical route , forgetting that 99% of people are layman on some level. There’s a reason the phrase “explain it to me like I’m a child” exists. The fucked up thing is that we live in an extremely computer savvy time. People understand these types of things now better than ever. Yet, it’s still a problem for your average person. I’m not talking about your grandma not being able to turn on the microwave. I’m talking about me, sitting in front of my TV with a new remote control trying to figure out how to get it off “AUX 1” for 20 minutes. Nothing related to a tv should be that confusing. Simple tasks seem like unlocking the matrix sometimes and it’s pointless. Just write out everything like we’re dumb…cause we are.

6)Construction hours
This is going to be extremely self serving but, hey, it’s my fucking blog so deal with it.
I mentioned in last weeks “song of the day” about my woes concerning the construction going on in my building. Basically, the entire back on the building (which is where my apartment is) is being remade due to leaks and structural damage on the roof. This has resulted in 3 weeks (so far) of loud drilling starting at 8:30 am that goes straight until noon. According to planning, this will be happening well through July.
Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I recorded the sounds. This is what i hear NON-STOP for 3.5 hours every morning:
http://www.hulkshare.com/cyb0kzy9hbkh
Contrary to what you may think, that is not the beginning of my new dub step track. It’s just relentless drilling that is so powerful, my bed shakes.
So, here’s the deal…What say, instead of starting your three hour work day at 8:30. Why not start is at noon (or later even!)? What’s the difference? This way, you don’t wake up every single person who doesn’t happen to work a normal 9-5 job, yet, you still get your work done in time to make it to happy hour. I sometimes imagine if I were a bartender or a DJ (oh wait…) and my job involved me getting home at 4/5 am every day. I might have to go on a killing spree by day 3 of being rattled awake at 8:30 AM. The hours just don’t make sense. I’m sure one of you will read this and respond telling me all about why they do construction so early but , honestly, I don’t care. Unless you’re working 8 hour days full of construction (which , as far as i can see, no one is), then just adjust the hours so people with all sorts of lifestyles can live those lives.

There you go. those aren’t such unreasonable ideas. If I were a politician, I’d have a special task force to handle all sorts of first world problems. It would be a subtle change but, man, our already extravagant lifestyle would be even better. Cheers to being rich assholes who want more!

Trending topics vol 84


This week Alaska and I discuss such hard nosed topics and a bunch of awful TV shows and what Mark Zuckerberg wears. Also, for the first time ever, there’s not one hot girl being discussed so I was kinda confused as to what I should put as the headline pic here…I hope this will do as she’s hotter than any girl I’ve ever posted here and I have no clue who she is…
http://www.syffal.com/mark-zuckerberg-howard-stern

“Matter of minutes” by Illogic and me


Here’s a video and download link to Illogic and my upcoming ep “Preparing for capture”. It will be a free release that’s gonna drop in early june.
The plan is to drop a free ep or two and then release the full length album “Capture the Sun”.
We’re both really excited for all of this. Peep it.
To download:
http://illogic.bandcamp.com/track/matter-of-minutes

Answers to questions vol. 85


Bon jour.
Another week, another batch of questions. This week is heavily food themed, but that’s cause I love food , someone recognized it and pandered to my weakness.
Anyway, if you got more questions (the stranger the better) , send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.

How will this hologram technology affect the pornographic community? Imagine sometime down the road when you can watch porn featuring your hologram boning some chick you have no business boning,,,or any other plethora of ideas.

Well, porn seems to be ahead of the curve already. They have that “interactive” porn where a girl talks directly to you and you control what shots and positions you want to see. But, I gotta think your on to something and someone is working on some sort of hologram attached to a fake vagina. Perhaps Fleshlight has something in the works.
Basically, in about 20 years , people will no longer need to even speak. You’ll just be sitting on my insanely comfortable barcalounger , skimming through synthetic vaginal options on your playstation 12 while eating food that was delivered via skype. Perhaps you’ll be in a Liz taylor in 1965 mood or maybe more of a Belinda Carlisle in the 80’s kinda mood. Regardless, the result will be the end of civilization as we know it and a whole bunch of people rolling over in their graves.
I just imagined the deep feeling of shame one would feel the second that nut was busted, the hologram vanished and it was time to clean out the now sullied sex machine. It’s almost enough to make a person actually try and meet a real , breathing girl!

What is the best way for fans to support you and your music? More specifically, what method of buying allows you to receive the maximum amount of financial support from my purchase?

It’s amazing how often this question gets asked. I suppose that’s a good thing though.
If you’re one of those people who still purchases music , first off, thanks. Secondly, no matter where you buy it, it’s all the same to me. Itunes, amazon, ninjatune.net, a store ect…The only way I don’t see any profit from it is if you illegally download it or buy it used. Otherwise, it’s all basically the same.
The most money I can make off a sale is if you are to buy it from me at a show in person. That money goes right into my pocket.
But, yeah, to the people purchasing my shit, don’t sweat it. As long as you’re buying it, you’re doing good by me.

And now, some food show related questions followed by food questions…
I love mayo. It’s the perfect sauce for most sandwiches, and is also versatile for all sorts of other shit, be it dipping sauces for finger foods, main ingredient for little apps like deviled eggs, etc. Anyway, my question is – what is up with people who actively hate mayo? I’m not talking about people who just try to avoid it because of weight or they’re a little skeeved out by the tanginess of it… I’m talking about people who go out of their way to belittle anyone who likes it and has to go on a “I hate mayo!!!” tirade. I’ve also noticed that there seems to be some stereotype about blacks not liking mayo (there was even that whole running joke in Undercover Brother about it)… yes, I have seen Undercover Brother.

Thank you for the mayo tirade loosely based around the a question.
But, I agree. Mayo is fucking awesome. As far as sandwiches are concerned, there is no better condiment than mayo. Beyond that, I put it on fries, chicken fingers…anything salty within reason really.
I’ve come across plenty of people who are repulsed by it though. While I feel they are categorically wrong, what are you gonna do? Force them to love mayo? Some people just don’t like dairy products. Some people also like to erotically take shits on one another. The world’s just funny like that.

Do you ever watch shows like Chopped or Top Chef? Not so much the Man v. Food-type shows that you’ve written about before. My question is – do you get annoyed at how much things like presentation, color, etc. are over emphasized in these shows? It always boggles my mind that pretentious chef-types will judge on anything besides taste alone. If it looks like a pile of shit but smells and tastes good, I’m down with it.

I love both those shows. I’m gonna skip over Top Chef cause it’s on a higher level but I want to smack the shit out of pretty much every judge on Chopped. They are the worst. I’ve never seen judges let their own specific tastes guide a show as much as that one does. Like that one woman who always complaining about spicy food. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT IT! I don’t love spicy food either but I could certainly gauge how good or bad a meal is regardless of the spice factor.
And the presentation thing on chopped is ridiculous. If it tastes good, they need to just fall back and accept.
On a side note, I went to high school with a’ron Sanchez (he was simply “Aaron” back then). He was a funny dude but also one of the cockiest cocksuckers I’ve ever met. It’s funny cause he was kinda on some thuggy shit back then and way always the dude who would snap on people (he was very skilled at that), so to see him all proper and talking about flovor profiles is pretty hilarious to me. His parents owned a bunch of restaurants so I guess he kinda fell into the family business.

Speaking of Man v. Food – what is your opinion on Man v. Food Nation in the sense that Adam no longer does the challenges himself? The idea annoyed me at first, but I still find the show enjoyable, aside from maybe those times where they have truly obnoxious people doing the competitions (a.k.a the LoCash Cowboys). Also, do you think they stopped Richman from doing the competitions because of the amount he ballooned up over the years?

I haven’t watched Man Vs. Food Nation much but it’s pretty clear that Adam is doing it for health reasons. He got fat as fuck after a few seasons of Man V food and eating the way he did can’t be good for you on any level. No amount of exercise is gonna fix that kind of damage. I eat like a typhoon and I don’t even wanna get into my bowel movements (follow me on twitter for that). Seriously, I’ve almost never met anyone who eats faster than me. But what Adam does? That’s a heart attack waiting to happen. I’m pretty sure the format change up of that show was doctor recommended.

Any foods on tour that you didn’t think you’d like, but were more or less forced to eat out of convenience or whatever reason and now love?

I’m afraid there’s no such thing as experimental eating while on the road. It’s all fast food or shit like Cracker Barrel. When traveling the focus is usually trying to find the least disgusting option. So, it’s not like I’m eating rattlesnake pie in new mexico…unless Burger king decides to make that a new menu feature. In which case, I’ll have the chicken sandwich.

Now a fucked up one – For some reason, you wake up one morning and all of the variety of mom-and-pop food options in NYC have been replaced by mass-market chain locations. Like, the cool hole-in-the-wall Chinese spot and the awesome Korean BBQ joint are now both P.F. Changs. All your sandwich spots are now Panera Breads. Your pizza spots are now all either Papa Johns or Dominos. Every other major city is fine though – this vortex of mediocrity has only taken over NYC. Do you think it’d be enough for you to pick up and move to Toronto, Chicago, or any other NYC-like metropolis just for the plentiful food options? It should be noted that this switch in NYC is forever. You’re either all-in or all-out. Those cool places are never coming back.

Jesus…that’s tough. I mean, for that to happen, the city would probably collapse in about 2 weeks. But honestly, I think i would deeply consider leaving. I’ve have to learn how to drive first, but after that, I’d probably move to San Fran or something like that. What a shitty question to have to answer. Jerk.

Hey Blockhead, what do you think about minimalism in music? I’m just listening to DJ Krush (as one does, though not you, I’d imagine), and it made me think of something you wrote once. You said with sampling, anyone can through a beat and some sounds together, but it takes layering to really create something good with samples (that’s paraphrasing, obviously, maybe you said something else entirely). On the other hand, Krush’s stuff is pretty minimal, some of his songs really are a beat, some bass and one or two melodies. This is quite a contrast to your music these days, I just wondered if you had any thoughts on this.

I think minimalism in hip hop production is extremely hard to pull off well. But, when done right, it’s the best. I’ve never been good at it…in fact, I don’t think I could do it if I tried. I’m incapable of just making something really simple and leaving it alone.
I’d say the Neptunes are kings of that sound. Their run in the early 2000’s was epic for minimal beats that were just awesome. Timbaland too. El-p’s earlier work was some really fantastic minimal stuff.
In the case of Krush, he’s made some great minimal stuff. I prefer it when there’s a rapper on it though. Minimal instrumental him hop music just seems a little masturbatory on the part of the producer. Like I imagine some bedroom producer just sitting there after dropping the sound of a bird squawking over a break beat , add on bass tone and thinking he’s made some great artistic accomplishment.
I’d say minimalism is music is no different than in normal art. You can’t just start being a minimalist. You gotta learn how to make music first and then eventually you find your way there through perspective and knowledge of what you’re doing.

have you heard of Kitty Pryde?
she’s a white girl rapper, but she really embraces her whiteness, unlike Kreayshawn.

what do you think of her? future viral chick?

This one got asked a few times this week so I figured I push it to the front of the queue.
What do i think of this little girl “rapping”? I don’t. This isn’t a thing. This is just some shit that the internet picked up on that will undoubtedly spin out of control. I read an interview with her and she says she was just making songs as jokes to play for her friends. Why this got picked up on any level (beside it just being really terrible) is beyond me. Am I mad at it? Not at all. But, if you’re a writer or a blogger and you’re giving shine to this shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? Your world must be so meta that you can barely leave the house without walking into yourself.
Here’s the thing, things like this only become a “thing” if we allow them to. For everything video like this, there are hundred of others just like it. Equally harmless and useless. It’s gotten to the point where , if you put a white girl in front of a camera and have her rap at all, if a guaranteed youtube views. As a society, lets all just get together and say it once and for all “We get it…white girls/white teenaged boy dorks rapping badly is funny. Now let’s move on”. Perhaps dogs will learn to speak and they can make funny rap videos that will change the game?
Again, I’ve got no beef with Kitty Pryde. She’s just a teenaged girl doing some shit teenagers do. To be mad at her about this would be like getting mad at Ronald MacDonald for giving you high cholesterol. It’s the “tastemakers” that really need to go re-evaluate themselves. Fuck your taste. You guys forget that 85% of the internet is dumb enough to believe what you say. The next thing we know, Kreayshawn has a million dollar record deal and she literally cannot rap well enough to make a second song. Basically, just let these things come a go. It’s not harming anyone to shine a light on something for 5 days and let it pass without first putting it up on a pedestal , only to tear it down a week later.

F$ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 12


Awww shit…It’s that time again. Everyone’s favorite game show. If I need to explain the rules, then what’s the point of you even reading this thing? Anyway, I still got a file full of these that people have submitted but, to be honest, I’m kinda bored of them. Too many similar “Lady gaga, madonna, Katy perry” type options. So, I’m thinking about cleaning house. Send me interesting options! Leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
The flood gates are officially open…just be creative.

F/M/K: lily allen, oprah winfrey, sheryl crow

Fuck:Sheryl Crow

This wasn’t an easy choice but I figured it would be the right thing to do. I’ve never been a big “cougar” guy, as I’m almost as old as most of these women…and they’re old to me. To be honest, I’ve always thought Sheryl Crow was one of those girls that only other women and male folk music enthusiasts found attractive. Even though she’s been in Maxim like a million times…I don’t really get it. However, all things considered, she’s the most fuckable of the three. She’s in great shape, her face is fine…and….well…that’s about it. Score one for the body!

Marry: Lily Allen

I debated whether I would marry Allen, the far more attractive and fun person, or Oprah, the richest person alive who’s probably a lesbian. After much consideration, I decided I’d prefer to not live a lie. Allen is a little crazy, but she’s also pretty cute. “cute” is a hot commodity when it comes to marriage cause it ages well. I mean, money ages well too but I’m not really trying to wife Oprah and move to Chicago. So, Lilly Allen it is.

Kill:Oprah

I don’t dislike Oprah but it’s just not in the cards for us. Between me having a penis, her looking like oprah and this game having a “kill” option…she’s pretty much a sitting duck. Just know, her death would be respectful and the funeral would cost more than my entire life.

F/M/K: Lady of Rage/Mia X/Miss Melody

Kill: Miss Melody

Sorry…Aside from being physically disgusting, she also was the yoko to Krs-one’s John. Well, not really but , in my eyes, she’ll always be that obese , terrible rapper saying “nah man, I ain’t buying it!” in the “Jack of spades” video. So fat, in fact, that she sounds fat when recorded. You can hear her fatness (as opposed to her phatness). So, yeah, sorry Mrs. Melody. You divorced KRS and he became a hip hop priest or some shit. You should be ashamed of yourself….well, they both should.

Fuck: Mia X

Way to pull this out out of the crates. I had almost forgotten all about her. So much so, I had to google her to even remind myself what she looked like. To my surprise, she was actually prettier than I remember. She’s got a nice face and , in this battle, that goes a long way. I’d also add she’s probably the leanest of the three as well. It’s hard to tell with The Lady of Rage but, to be honest, the name alone scares me sexually. S0, Mia X, I would make you say ungghhh…nah nah nah nah. (get it?!!?!?!)

Marry: Lady of Rage

This really just comes down to me feeling so strongly against Miss Melody that Rage gets the ring by default. As a rapper, she’s easily the best of the three. That’s not saying much but still. I also have a inkling that penis might not be her first choice of genitalia, which works for me cause her vagina , specifically, isn’t exactly calling my name either. Maybe we could just play NBA 2k12 all do together or something? That would work.

F/M/K:Abby Elliot, Nasim Pedrad ,Kristen Wiig

Marry: Kristen Whig

This was tough cause, to be honest, I’m least attracted to Whig of these three. That said, I simply cannot kill her. She’s too awesome. Luckily for me, she’s still strangely cute and extremely lovable. Mark that down as the softest sentence I’ve ever uttered on this blog.
Anyway, Whig is the shit and I’d marry her. No big deal.

Fuck: Nasim Pedrad

She’s cute and small. That’s pretty much a done deal in the F/m/k universe. She also reminds me of a girl I used to have a crush on when I was younger so that doesn’t hurt. Beyond that, i really have nothing to add to this, except my hypothetical penis in her hypothetical vagina. HEY-OOOO!!!!!

Kill: Abby Elliot

To be clear, under different circumstances (like if she were offered in any of the prior options) I’d both fuck or marry her in a heartbeat. But this is a tough round. She’s cute for sure…but she’s also Chris Elliots daughter. I actually see his face in hers enough that it might freak me out a little. Keep in mind, I’m splitting hairs here. but , when it comes time to make tough decisions, it’s what you do.

F/M/K: Lisa Bonnet,Halle Berry,Stacy Dash

Marry: Stacy Dash

Whoever made up this list is an asshole. How dare you…
Well, seeing as Stacy Dash is one of my all time favorites , how am I not going to marry her? I mean, she’s damn near 50 now and looks better than most 25 year olds. I have slight concern with her sanity but , compared to the other two, I’m sure she’s a walk in the park.

Kill: Lisa Bonet

One of my all time favorite faces ever. In her prime, she was just too pretty. But, as she got older (while still very pretty) she was always a bit too hippy-ish for my taste. I feel like, were we to get together, she’d try and get me into crystals and make me drink kumbucha withe very meal. Not my steeze. Also, watching her hot ass daughter run around all day would be torture. I might as well just drop the hammer on her and be done with it.

Fuck: Halle Berry

I may have covered this before but I have a theory on Halle Berry. She’s, without question, one of the g.o.a.t. hot women of the last 20 years. However, she’s also one of the most regularly dumped women of the last 20 years. Men will put up with a lot of shit in exchange for a insanely hot wife/gf. I gotta think that she is just THE WORST. Like her men can’t wait to dump her. For that reason, a short term thing seems perfect. She’s still super hot, so that’s not a problem and I’m sure sex with terrible crazy actress types can be good…or totally underwhelming. Whatever, worst case scenario , I have a great story about how I had lame sex with Halle Berry.

F/M/K:80’s, 90’s, and 00’s (the decades)

Kill:2000’s

listen, this decade is fine and all but it’s also been where stupidity has been cultivated and blossomed into a world where half the shows on tv are grown ass women taking off their shoes in public and fighting over a candlelit dinner. More than ever, it’s the “Me” decade, in the sense that everyone thinks they’re special and everyone is entitled. If the 2000’s were a person, it would be a gum snapping hipster in a mall with genital warts , filming itself lip synching to Drake. DEAD.

Fuck:80’s

This was tough but I suppose the 90’s simply resonate more to me. Because of this, I’d fuck the 80’s…with a condom. The 80’s was a fairly carefree yet somewhat dangerous time. Lots of money, lots of coke…but also lots of poverty. The thing that I like about it though, is that it was pretty ridiculous. I mean, sometimes I hear an 80’s song and it blows my mind that that singer was able to put out albums…and made millions. Have you heard a Fine young Cannibals song lately? That shit is amazing. So, with that, I’d fuck the 80’s. It would be fun and completely original…yt synthetic enough that I can relate to it from today’s perspective.

Marry: 90’s

I’m biased here but, goddamn, i loved the 90’s. Technology was juuuuuuust right. No cell phones really, the internet was just like a shitty message board and people had to really seek out the things they loved, cause they weren’t just handed to you. It was a decade where nerdism took a healthy turn for the better. It was also a last hurrah of sorts for things that are now considered obsolete. VHS tapes, cassettes, music videos, R&B music…It was awesome. I’d marry the shit out of the 90’s.

Song of the day 5/10/12


Skrung out By Fam-Lay
http://www.hulkshare.com/embed_mp3.php?fn=3oiu47qyx305&bg=000000&fg=71C90C
This song is truly a song of the day in the sense that it’s related to something happening at this very moment.
So, My apartment is in the back of the building I live in. For the past two weeks , there has been major construction going on, on the back wall wall of the building AKA the back wall of my apartment. This means, at 8:30 every morning, I am violently awoken by the sounds of drilling. Not just regular drilling…but room rattling sounds that don’t stop till around noon. I literally cannot even hear my TV at full blast while this is occurring. I sleep with ear plugs but it’s pretty much like using a napkin as a condom. It’s kinda what I’d imagine sleeping in a foxhole might be like. Now, I’d imagine some of you job having people are rolling your eyes at this, as you get up at 7am every day and hate life. Well, fair play to you…but I’m not you. Regardless of what time I wake up, I’m pretty much incapable of falling asleep before 2am at the earliest. It’s just how things are for me and my fragile bitch of a sleep cycle.
Needless to say, I’ve felt like a zombie for the last two weeks and , according to the construction plan, this will be going on well into July.
“What does this have to do with the song of the day?” you might be asking…
Well, as I was rattled awake this morning to the sound of dual drills coming from all angles, this song popped into my head. Perhaps cause it’s what I envision drills would sound like if they were made into enjoyable music. Who knows? But I actually like this song, even though it reminds me of the fucking hell my ear get confronted with 5 days a week.

On a side note…here’s an idea: Hey, people who do loud construction, what say you shift your work hours. Instead of 8:30 am to noon, why not 11 to 3:30? Would that really be a fucking problem? God forbid people who don’t have normal jobs would ever have to sleep or anything. If I was a bartender , I’d have murdered already.

A fun article with a surprise at the end…


I recently did a write up for Impose magazine listing songs/videos from my past , explaining why they held importance to me.
http://www.imposemagazine.com/features/blockheads-midnight-interludes

The surprise at the end is for all of you out there who’ve ever wondered what I sounded like as a rapper…Know you will know the truth and understand why I gave it up for beatmaking. Godspeed!