Back again! Your favorite thing ever! Fuck marry kill!
The game where I decide on the fate of three women/things who would , most likely, not spit on me if I asked them to. It’s funny how that works.
A very interesting variety this week. If you have original ideas for F/M/K send them my way. No promise I’ll use them but I could always use more ideas. Leave them in the comments below or email me them at firstname.lastname@example.org
F/M/K:Rachel from Caribbean Rhythms, Big Les from Rap City, or Free from 103 and Park
Kill: Big Les
It’s sad cause she was a big part of my growing up on Rap City…Unfortunately, she’s looks like Al Harrington with a wig. No bueno. Also, she was always pretty corny but , in her defense, so is every person who’s ever hosted a show on BET. So, yeah, her name is “big Lez”. I’m pretty sure she’s not trying to fuck or marry me either.
I won’t lie, I never watched that show. I kinda hate new reggae/dancehall so it was never even on my radar. So, upon googling her, she’s certainly fuckable…so there you have it. But I’ll be damned if I marry some girl who wants to bogle all night to Ninja man B-sides. Fuck that shit.
Also, upon further googling, she kinda has a man jaw. That might not bother some but it’s a personal peeve of mine.
Free is adorable. I always wanted to bone her and now is my hypothetical chance to take a serious crack at everlasting love with her. Sure, she’s beyond corny. I mean…next level cornball status. Like a girl who wears kangols and rave dances in the front seat of a car level corny. But, whatever, she’s mad cute , has a dope body and seems nice enough. And besides her competition is a huge lesbian and a women I’ve never seen before. Easy choice.
F/M/K: Movie critics, Music critics, Sports pundits
Marry: Movie Critics
This was tough cause, ideally, I’d like to kill all three of these types of people. In all three types, the majority of the people doing them are some of the worst people alive. However, that wouldn’t be fair to the game so the movie people live. Why? Well, as many good reviews as I’ve seen written by music critics, the best reviews I’ve ever read have been by movie critics. Sure, for every great film critic, there’s some dipshit on the local news somewhere in virginia giving a great movie thumbs down for it’s excessive language but, still, good film reviewers do exist.
Obviously, this would be a hate fuck. My goal , in fucking music critics , would be to make them walk funny. Maybe I’d even try and fuck their ear holes. Do the whole world a favor.
As you might have guessed, this one is personal. It’s funny cause I haven’t really gotten reviewed that poorly over my career but this isn’t personal in that way. I mean that the majority of music reviews I read seem to miss the point. They often are just a way to highlight the agenda of the person writing it and , worst of all, the reviewer doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Also, who’s more pompous than a music critic? These dudes act like they make music but they don’t (and if they do, they do it badly). So fuck them….literally.
Kill: Sports pundits
These pieces of shit gotta die. I think what sets them apart from the above two is that they are talking about something no one can truly predict. At least in film and music there is something palpable about what you’re seeing. To watch two dickheads like Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith ARGUE endlessly over who MIGHT win an upcoming game is infuriating. Simply becuase their is no definite answer. It’s like arguing over next weeks weather. I know it’s their job but they’re basically people who get payed to troll. Die slow, cocksuckers.
F/M/K: Kat Dennings/Ellen Page/Random Hipster Chick
Fuck: Kat Dennings
I’d say she might be the quintessential “Fuck”. She’s attractive but flawed, yet really sexy and she has huge boobs. Like, if I met her in real life, I’d probably thirst to fuck her but, looking at her as a movie star, she doesn’t exactly pop up as a girl I give two shits about. Also, she’s got slut eyes. I’ve spoken about them before and they are a boner goldmine.
Kill: Ellen Page
Ellen page is adorable. She’s like 5 foot nothing and has a very pretty face. Problem is, she’s got the body of an asian boy and the sex appeal of Pee wee Herman. From what I gather, she’s not into dudes…which is fine. I would just feel really gross having sex with her and marriage would be a lie. So, instead, I’d just put her down gently. Maybe via a pill or something.
Marry: Random hipster chick
Whoever submitted this one got lazy but, at least it left it open to my imagination. In my mind, this hipster chick is hot enough to marry. Seeing I don’t wanna marry either of the above two, this girl is perfect for me. The funny thing about labeling hipsters “hipster” is that that title can apply to most young people who are up on trends. That’s pretty much most people I know who don’t work in finance. So, by that logic, I’mma marry a hipster girl regardless.
F/M/K:Your clone, your sister, a hot girl with full blown AIDs
Kill: My clone
I seriously debated marrying myself. That would be amazing. It would be a sexless marriage but, holy shit, we’d have fun. But putting my sister as an option was cold blooded.
There’s no way I’m fucking myself so death it is. It’s cool though cause there is already one of me. No one will miss “me part 2”.
I’ve got 4 sisters and I don’t want marry them. But if it’s either fuck them, kill them or marry them, you leave me no choice. Simply to keep them alive, I’d have to marry them. The biggest bummer in all this would be I’d have to move to kentucky or some shit where that’s legal.
Fuck: Hot girl with full blown AIDS
I’m not gonna lie , the “full blown” part kinda grosses me out. Cause that tends to mean they’re showing physical signs of the virus. Gaunt faces, lesions ect…however, you said “hot girl” so I can only assume she still looks decent. Obviously, I’d be taking a huge risk with this one but it’s better than fucking or killing my sister. Not to mention, AIDS is basically cured at this point so , even if I got it, I’d be able to live my life in some fashion. But, seriously, whoever came up with these three choices is a jerk.
F/M/K: Ga Ga , Madonna (in prime), Debbie Harry ( again, prime)
Kill: Lady GaGa
These three are well tread territory but the “in prime” addition kinda interested me.
This was tougher than I thought it would be. The thing is, as terrible as her face is, GaGa’s ass is wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that she’s actually kinda fuckable. However, in this match up, her gonzo beak of a nose will be her down fall. Sorry girl…You dead.
I loathe madonna. Deeply. However, young madonna was sexy and undoubtedly an amazing lay. Her tits are the things dreams are made of and this was before she thought she was a british person and before her arms looked like veiny cocks. She was still soft in the right places. Really, this is a case of timing and the inner teenager in me watching the video for “Cherish” with my dick in my hand.
Marry: Debbie Harry
Pretty obvious…OR WAS IT?!?!?!
Debbie harry was a hot model in her prime..but she was also a disastrous coke fiend. If there’s one thing I can’t handle, it’s a coked out bitch. However, she’s so much cooler than either of these other two it’s not even close. Also, she seems to have gotten over the powder so I can assume everything would even out with her. But, let it be known, I wrestled with the idea of Killing her coked out ass, fucking GaGa and marrying Madonna…but then I remembered I hate both those two pieces of shit and went with my heart. Yay!