It’s been a while since i’ve done one of these but I know you guys missed it. Or you didn’t and are probably about to be totally offended…whatever, can’t please everyone.
As always, this is 100% jokes so, while I’m giving you honest answers, please don’t take anything I say too seriously. I know how sensitive you can be. Pussy.
As an added bonus, I’m re-instituting the “Murder Method” for those I choose to kill. That was fun and adds a much needed layer of evil to this otherwise family friendly column.
F/M/K: Pamela Anderson, Courtney Love, Adele
Fuck: Pamela Anderson
Yes, she’s way past her prime. So much that her skin is Slim Jim-esque and her boobs probably look like oranges inside of socks. She’s more plastic than human at this point, no doubt. However, she’s a pro. She’s the OG of fucking , as far as I’m concerned so, given the opportunity (and the other two choices) she’s gonna get the call without hesitation. Even if she’s not what she used to be, any dude who grew up in the early 90’s has a pavlovian boner for Pam Anderson. That kinda stuff carries a long burning torch. It’s the same reason most dudes out there would probably still really wanna bone fat Alyssa Milano.
Contrary to what my eyes tell me, she’s actually only in her early 20’s and not her late 30’s. So that’s good.
Honestly, she’s super talented and that’s a plus but this really came down to choosing her over Courtney Love. I’m pretty sure my marriage with Adele would be loveless and distant but, hey, then she could write songs about it and make millions of dollars. Songs titles would include “Get off the couch” , “Just cause I’m crying doesn’t mean you should leave the kitchen” and “You and your damn fantasy basketball”.
Kill: Courtney Love
She’s #1 on my all time kill list. Right ahead of Madonna. I’ve been physically repulsed by Courtney Love since the first time I saw her and she’s steadily gotten worse and worse over the years. Not only do I hate her smeared face, her fake lips, her fake tits and her overall demeanor, but I think her music sucks too. The only way she would not be the “kill” in this game would be if her opponents were not of the human species or nazi burn victims. She’s dead. Soooooooo DEAD.
Murder Method: I’d bury her alive in a landfill filled with Hole Cd’s then fill it with bum piss till she either drowns or suffocates. I’m cool either way.
F/M/K:Cleopatra/Helen of Troy/ a young Queen Elizabeth
Kill: Young Queen Elizabeth
Not gonna lie…I definitely had to google this one cause I only know her in my head as an old lady. Turns out she’s a weak 5 out of 10 at best, Not an unattractive woman but also nothing special. Granted, the power is tempting but I’m not really one for formalities and tradition. I feel like marrying her would be endless nights at balls and elegant town meetings , small talking with dudes in powdered wigs. Fuck that shit. She dies.
Murder Method: She’s a queen so it would have to be regal. Maybe I’d have her eat caviar till she exploded. A death suitable for royalty.
I can honestly only go off of how she’s been portrayed…which is the hottest brown piece of ass to ever walk the planet. That’s my kryptonite right there. Granted, she probably looks like a kardashian but that’s not an issue for me. It’s also been said that she’s not the kindest hearted person (though I could be wrong as I know absolutely nothing about history) so that plays into this as well. You’re telling me I get to have sex with the insanely hot and mean girl? I’M IN. The thing is, no dude wants to marry that girl. That’s just years of abuse and headaches. But sex with her? I couldn’t think of anything better.
Marry: Helen Of Troy
Listen, all I’m saying is that pussy must be GOOD. To think that all those kings and princes thirsted for her like they did makes me think she must have been on some next level shit. I just googled her and the pics that came up were varied. One made her look like transexual Adele and the other made her look like Michelle Phieffer in her prime. I’mma go ahead and assume she looked like the latter cause it simply makes more sense. Then again, you never know what kind of weird shit those greeks were in to…
F/M/K:Rachel McAdams, Eva Green, Anne Hathaway
Marry: Rachel McAdams
Fairly obvious choice. She’s pretty adorable and seems likable enough. That’s pretty much the go-to qualities for marriage in this game. I’m sure , in real life, she’s just another crazy actress broad but , hell, I bet all three of these girls are and she seems to hide the crazy the best. also, Dimples>>>>>
Fuck: Eva Green
Eva Green is a sexpot. She’s hot in a way that other girls will often say she’s gross and your parents would not approve. That’s ideal for the “fuck” category.
If I can break this type down a little more, I’d say that her body is fucking awesome and her face, while not perfect is more sexy than it is beautiful. To men, that shit is crack. Girls will always shake their heads in disgust at us for being uncontrollably attracted to girls like this but it’s just how we’re wired. Hot body, sexy face, slutty vibe = BONERZ.
Whatever, girls wanna fuck dudes who are terrible looking just cause they are good at things like acting , music and sports. At least us men are shallow enough to admit we’re driven by physical attributes!
Kill: Anne Hathaway
Yes, the above picture makes a strong and valid case for her survival but hear me out…
She’s one of those super actor-y actresses. Like the pretty girl in high school who was way into drama and when you actually spoke to her, she wasn’t even like a real person. I find Hathaway is a shape shifter. She ranges from hot as fuck to really weird looking (I’ve also seen her tits enough to know they’re good) but these actress types have always worn thin on my patience. I’m sure, under different circumstances, she’d easily fall into the “Fuck” category but not here. Besides , you know she’s full of shit during sex. I bet her moans are just her vocal warm ups for whatever musical she’s planning on doing in the near future.
Murder Method: Although , looking at the above pic, I’d wish “fucking to death” was an option, this doesn’t work like that. I think I’d just get some hollywood agent to tell her that she’s fat and she’d probably just starve herself to death. She seems that dedicated.
F/M/K Phat friend edition: FMK, Answers for Questions, Ask Dr. Tony
I have a lot of fun writing this part of my blog. But, much like occasional sex with some girl I met at a bar a few years ago, it’s best when done sporadically. I don’t think I’d want to do this every day. It would get tiresome and eventually probably leave me in a weird state of not knowing what was real and what was fake…a place where everything is gauged by the three categories. I could Fuck, marry or kill ANYTHING. That wouldn’t be a good look. So, instead, I’d just fuck it. It would be some awesome sex.
Marry: Ask Dr. Tony
This is pretty self indulgent but I do genuinely love writing those answers. I love giving advice. I love reading how fucked up some peoples lives/relationships are. In a different life, I would have been a shrink (assuming that, in that life, I wasn’t the worst student ever and actually cared more). Unlike FMK, I could do this every day. The sad part is, I don’t get to do it very often cause I don’t get that many questions submitted (if you need relationship/sex advice, send questions to my email: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com!). I’d gladly marry this column. If she’d have me.
Kill: Answers for questions
I don’t dislike Answers for questions but i’ve been doing it forever. I did it on my myspace page and bought it over here cause, well, it was a great space filler. I knew/know that people will be able to come up with questions till the end of time. I’m glad cause this blog needs content and I do like fielding those ridiculous questions. But I’d kill it just so I’d never have to answer the same fucking questions I get asked over and over again…”What inspires you?” , “why are you called Blockhead?” , “How did you meet Aesop?” , “what kind of equipment do you use?” , “what do you think about (Insert band name or musical genre that I’ve never heard of here)?”
I don’t blame you guys but I’ve been asked those questions so many times I don’t think I even believe my own answers any more. They were formulated to make it so I can answer those questions as briefly as possible and move on. So, considering the other choices, i’d have to take “Answers for questions” out back and blow it’s fucking brains out.
Murder Method: Shit…I dunno. i’d not type it for the rest of my life. Goodnight sweet prince. (just kidding, I’ll have a new one for monday like my life depended on it)