Like with most social networks, I’m always about 2 years behind. It happened with friendster, it happened with Myspace, It happened with Facebook and it happened with Twitter. After years of wondering “why the fuck do people care about Instagram?” I joined. Well, to be honest, I didn’t intend to really join. I signed up so I could look at a picture that i wanted to see that i couldn’t see anywhere else. Little did I know that, by signing up, it would alert all my facebook friends and twitter followers that I had joined. So, I signed up, took a piss and came back to see i had like 50 followers in 15 seconds. After about an hour I had a few hundred and figured , since I’m not one to half ass my social networking, I know had an instagram (follow me @blockheadnyc).
Here’s the thing, I’ve never been a person who took pics with my phone. Up until last year I had phones that’s photo capabilities were about on par with coal cave drawings. But, beyond that, I never really gave a shit about taking pics. Back in the day, I used to have a camera with me when I went out cause I liked capturing drunk debauchery and hot girls but that was about that. Now , all of a sudden I’m faced with filters and people being all artsy and shit. Word to dwayne wayne, It’s a different world.
So, within a few days, i pretty much figured out the law of the land with instagram. Much like other social networks, it’s easy to see where people stand right away with instagram. Right off the bat, I got accustomed to the “go to” pics of isntagram. And by “go to” I mean “completely played out shit that 95% of the people on instagram post all the fucking time”. Things like:
Oh, sunsets, no two are alike yet all of them ever are exactly alike. It’s funny how that works. I get people wanna show each other the breathtaking beauty of mother natures glory that they’re witnessing in person but , much like pictures of nature that people take on vacations, NO ONE CARES. Seriously, unless there’s a tornado with a DNA ladder like rotation of flailing cows whipping around it, I never need to see a picture of the sky again. I think I speak for most people when I say “WE GET IT”. Basically, sunset pics are the photo equivalent to telling another person about the dream you had last night.
As someone who loves food and watches multiple TV shows about food, I get where you guys are coming from. I’ve certainly sat down with a delicious meal in front of me and thought “Man,I wish other people could see what I’m about to eat”. But the food pics on instagram are beyond out of control. From what i’ve seen, this is primarily a girl thing. For some reason, girls love taking pictures of food the most. I don’t know if it’s some weird guilty thing about over eating or the complete opposite where they want to brag to their dieting friends about all the awesome stuff the pile down their throats. Or perhaps (and most likely) it’s just that girls enjoy taking pics of visually pleasing things. Either way, it’s fucking corny.
On a deeper level, food pics don’t bug me that much cause, like i said, I love food. But if you can’t sit down at a table without needing to immortalize your soon to be fecal matter, then you have a problem. As someone with a highly food based lifestyle, even I have been tempted to snap a shot of my meals here and there. But I found a good way to get around it…taking pics of the food in my mouth.
I think the eating action shots are the way to go with food photography. Who needs to look at some old boring plate when you can just stuff the food inside you mouth and , not only get the short of the food, but also a reaction shot by an actual human face.
Listen, I’m not a monster. Babies are adorable. This is one aspect, coming from the Facebook world, that I fully expected to see endlessly on instagram. Now, Perhaps it’s just who I follow but this actually hasn’t been that bad. I’d say Facebook is way worse. The thing is, instagram is actually perfect for baby pics cause it’s just one pic at a time. You gotta choose your best shot and roll with it. Unlike facebook where it’s photo album upon photo album, as parents are just chronicling ever waking moment of their child’s life for their entire friend population. From their close family members to that person they fucked once 8 years ago, friended while drunk and forgot about. So, in this case, I actually support your baby pics. Unless you got an ugly kid, in which case, UNFOLLOWED.
Aww…look at your cat! he’s not like other cats! He’s special. and maaaaaan, look at your dog! He’s like a person! He eats food just like we do and breaths!
As someone who has not a morsel of interest in your pets (or pets in general), this kinda shit is the bane of my instagram existence. From what I’ve been told and explained a billion times, apparently, humans are very fond of their animals. They love their dogs and their cats…often more than actual people. While I think this all pretty ridiculous, I also (admittedly) might not have a soul.
Even with this complete disinterest I have for pets, even I can differentiate a cute animal pic from a “I’m bored in me bed , watching tv with my cat” animal pic. The latter, much like sunsets, are all the same. Every pic you take of your cat look exactly the same. Perhaps if you put a handkerchief around his neck and put a tiny cowboy hat on him, then it’s photo worthy. Otherwise , you’re just being that typical self indulgent instagrammer that most people secretly resent. You’re also probably a cat person which is almost unforgivable.
Much like downloadable musical equipment has given birth to a generation of talentless musicians who think they can do something simply because they’re allowed to, instagram has done the exact same thing for budding photographers. I understand the urge to artsy up your photos. Some of those filters really can make the most average picture look at least interesting. But you fuckers that go around posting out of focus , grainy pics of….well, i have no idea what they are cause they’re out of focus and grainy…You guys need to fall back. You’re not an artist. You’re just another asshole, just like me and everyone else on earth, with a camera on your phone. Point and shoot, bro.
THE AIRPLANE WINDOW SHOT
Ughh. Who hasn’t looked out an airplane window and thought “This would be an awesome picture” only to think about it for two seconds and realize “actually, no it wouldn’t be”. Much like sunsets, they are all the same and always boring. Trip pictures are bad enough but no one needs to see the “how you got there” part. Unless there’s a monster on the wing, don’t ever take an airplane window pic.
Now, while all those things make a dude want to never open the App again, there are obviously reasons why Instagram is awesome.
This could be anything from a funny pic off the internet to a random funny image caught in real life. In reality, THIS is what makes instagram great to me.
2)drunk party pics
Randomly snapping shots at random moments in random drunken nights have resulted in some fantastic pictures that are no only hilarious but will always remind those involved of that night.
3)girls in swim wear pics
Duh. Creeping is a major part of instagram. If you went to the beach, trust me that every dude that follows you would like to see how that went. Even those dumb, POV shots where you only see your legs and the fruity drink you’re drinking. It’s better than nothing.
I don’t think I need to explain this one. As long as no one reports you, it’s all good.
5)Pics capturing some sort of achievement that needs to be announced/crucial life updates
Things like graduations, wedding, new baby, catching a big fish, killing your first hobo, ect…
Pics of you when you were a young fucking dork. They’re the best.
7)weird shit seen in public places
This could be grouped with the funny stuff but , sometimes it’s just weird and not funny.
This could really be anything. A weird car, a strange painting, an unusual street sign, anything retro that isn’t played out. While people who only take pics of shit like this can be kinda boring to follow, they do find some pretty awesome stuff so i can’t really be mad.
I think that’s about it…I’m sure i forgot some things but, instagram is down at the moment so I can’t double check. That’s a problem.
Oh, a just a quick list of instagram peeves:
writing #nofilter is fucking corny. stop doing that. No ones impressed by your mastery of phone photos.
Private profiles…I get that you want your privacy but if you follow me, I should be able to see your shit.
People who don’t have a single pic of themselves.
Listen, much like the private profile, you’re throwing salt on the game of all people who just wanna creep around a look at stuff. That stuff, often being a person of the opposite sex. Trust me when i say, in general, it’s just harmless curiosity. Let a person see what they’re dealing with…