I can’t believe this is the 100th one…actually, truth be told, it’s not. Somewhere along the line, I brain farted and skipped from vol. 22 to vol. 33…but at this point, it’s too late to turn back now so we’re just gonna roll with this.
In honor of my fake 100th celebration, I decided to dig in the vaults and find some of my favorite questions. Now, these aren’t so much the best questions or the best answers but topics that I enjoyed spouting off about. Some good stories and possible answers to things I reference all the time (like why I hate cats).
But let’s not forget why we’re here…send me questions…leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Question: When you were a child, did a cat do something terrible to you?

Ahh yes…My disdain for cats. Allow me to elaborate. First and foremost, I’m allergic to cats. So, knowing that, my enjoyment of them as a pet was already a dead end. I don’t really like any animal that much, let alone one that makes me sick whenever i’m anywhere near it. Not even in the same room! If i’m somewhere where a cat has been recently, my eyes start to itch, my nose starts running and I gotta bounce. So, off the bat, fuck cats. But, ok, let’s be fair. Maybe I don’t know cats that well and need to give them a chance. Here’s the thing, cats are assholes. They are self involved, predatory animals who don’t give a shit about you. I realize every person who owns a cat is reading this and saying “yeah, but not my cat!”. Nope, you’re cats is a fucking cunt just like the rest of them. It’s not his/her fault though, as he/she is a cat. IT’S JUST HOW THEY ARE. You wanna see how much your cat loves you? Stop feeding it. Do the same to a dog. Dogs will still respond to you lovingly, even though they’re hungry. Cats? They’ll be out as soon as they realize the well that is you, has dried up. It’s in their nature.
Ok, so did something happen to me when I was a kid involving a cat? Well…kinda. This one time, I was walking back from school and decided to take a short cut through a back alley. As I got halfway down the alley, a group of cats, wearing leather jackets and carrying switch blades approached me. The meowed aggressively at me but I kept walking. As i tried to hustle by them, the leader ran under my feet and tripped me up. I was now on the ground , surrounded by these mean cats. I offered them my wallet as an exchange to let me go, but that’s not what they wanted. I even was willing to give up the tuna sandwich I had been saving for my after school snack. But no…it wasn’t enough. I don’t wanna get to deep into but let’s just say cat penises are sharp and 8 of them entering you at once is something you will never forget. Since then I’ve been on blah blah blah….No, but here’s something that actually did happen. I was at a friends house after a little league game when I was around 11. I had just got out of the shower and only had a towel around my waist. He thought it would be an awesome idea to throw a cat at my naked back. He did it and instead of just bouncing off me, the cat opted to dig it’s claws into my skin and hang from my back looking like a possessed raver napsack. It hung for what felt like 15 seconds (probably more like 3) and then released it’s claws and vanished. My back was bleeding. Now, I don’t think that’s really what made me hate cats, but it certainly didn’t help.

What is your opinion on the etiquette of texting people back? Are you the type of person who immediately responds to other people and expects a text back if there is still a conversation going? This girl i know will respond maybe 25% of the time, and she justifies this by assuming that the person she is blowing off will assume that she just didnt see it or was busy (she’s hot, so no one calls her on it). Definitely female behavior, but party foul?

I have strong feelings about this as I am a texter. I hate talking on the phone so I try and keep most of my interactions with people to text.
I am 100% a quick responder and someone who expects that same courtesy back.
The way I see it, there are three types of texts and they need to be treated in their own way.
1)A question text.
This is when you text someone with a specific question. Something that is perhaps important and time is of the essence. These texts should ALWAYS be responded to immediately. I get if the other person is busy or away from their phone…but if you’re the type of person who gets a question text , looks at it and doesn’t answer within 5 minutes, there is a special room in hell for you.

2)Shoot the shit texts
These are casual texts , often between a girl and a guy. It’s kinda like an invite to AIM on your phones. If both parties aren’t busy, the responses will flow naturally. If one person isn’t up for it, then they should respond quickly with their excuse and keep it moving. Oh, and these kind of interactions should never end abruptly. imagine all the decent booty call relationships that have been ruined cause of a flirty text message barrage ending abruptly and that one person reading into it wrong.

3)Funny texts
This is when you send someone something funny they just saw, or a link or a pic. The person should respond with their reaction and that’s that.

So, basically, if you have no excuse and want to maintain a level of friendship and respect with the person who texts you, you should always respond in some way within 5 minutes of reading the text. Otherwise, you’re a dickhead. Oh, and that girl you know is a piece of shit.

What’s the worst sex you’ve experienced?
I’d say the worst overall experience that comes to mind was the first time I went down on a girl. I was 15 and dating this punk rock girl. We had been hooking up for a while and no oral sex had happened yet. in fact, it hadn’t even been hinted at. Finally , one night, she went down on me. It was a very 16 year old blow job in that it was awkward and never really went anywhere. It was like my dick was just kinda hanging out in her mouth. Not much movement or anything. Eventually , she just stopped. According to male law that my other 15 year old friends had taught me, this was my cue to go down. It was pitch dark in the room and I had never seen a vagina before let alone had my face in one. I got down there and she was very hairy. I mean , this was the early 90′s and she was on some Riot Grrrrrl shit, so it’s not too shocking. I bushwacked my way through the hair until I found a moist spot and started licking it. I remember it was summer and very humid. Suffice to say, it was like a jungle asshole down there and i was struggling. The thing is, I was completely clueless of the female anatomy at that point. I was just licking it where ever , hoping that my tongue would land on skin, as opposed to a tuft of matted hair. The smell was rough. It smelled like old sweat and fecal matter. I eventually gave up and, I swear, the smell didn’t fully leave my mouth and face for like 5 days.
Years later, when i had the whole pussy eating thing well figured out, it dawned on me that I very likely had been licking that girls asshole. FAIL. I think the funniest thing about that is that she either thought I was a retard or just a REALLY kinky dude who liked licking assholes at age 15. I guess I’ll never know.

If we’re talking actual intercourse, I’ve certainly had my share of short rides but none that were truly that bad. The worst sex I’ve ever had has been with girls who were doing it for the wrong reasons. Like getting back at some dude or because they were lonely and needed a place to crash. I would have rather just not had sex at all.
That or just weirdo girls. There was this one girl i used to sleep with occasionally and it was ok. I guess one time I was entering her from behind and i slipped making my penis poke her butthole. It didn’t even go in it. Not even close. She freaked out (i was drunk and slipped, get over it!) and from then on, her ass was off limits to me. And I mean her whole ass. Like, she wouldn’t let me put my hand on the cheeks. Needless to say, that ended pretty soon after that. If i can’t cup a girls ass, what’s the fucking point? Anyway, I always found that funny cause not matter how much I explained to her I had no interest in that entrance, she wouldn’t drop it. And seriously , I have NO interest in that hole. What a stupid bitch. I hope her and her current boyfriend/husband are having shitty sex right now with their hands tied behind their backs.

Did you ever have first hand experience with Asian gang kids from Chinatown or anywhere else in the city?

I’m not sure If I’ve told this story on this blog before , but I was at a pool hall when an asian gang shot it up. kinda…
I was about 15 and this place Le’Q was one of my favorite hangouts. My friends and I would go there, play pool and video games and get fucked up. There was always an air of danger there but I think I was too comfortable there to really take notice. Lots of Asian gang dudes but also lots of general low lives drinking 40′s and smoking blunts in the basement.
Anyway, one day, I’m there with a few friends and we’re just chilling playing video games. They were high as fuck and I was sober. At some point, they want to get some munchies so we bounce to the corner store. As we’re returning from the store, we’re about 80 feet from the Le Q entrance and I hear a loud fire cracker like sound and see two asian dudes backing out of there blazing machine guns. They jump into a car and screech away. Now, my two friends, are so high, they don’t even fucking notice that a machine gun was just fired well within our audible range. I tell them what happened and they don’t believe me (they were MAD high). We walk to the open door of Le Q to see the smoke clearing. As it fades , I look over and see about 4 people on the ground. Two of them were not moving and two were writhing in pain. There was certainly blood and people were screaming and hiding behind pool tables like wack-a-moles. The people who got shot had been sitting, LITERALLY in the exact same seats we had been in prior to leaving for our snacks. In fact, I’d venture to say the dudes who did it waited for us to leave so they would be able to get a clear shots on their target.
Anyway, We all absorbed this in and it hit us what we had just seen so we sprinted 5 blocks to my friends house. Not sure why we sprinted as the shooters were long gone but I suppose that was a natural reaction to seeing some fucked up shit.Since then, I’ve been pretty adamant about never fucking with asian kids. They don’t play.

Worst job you ever had?

When I was 19, I had just dropped out of College. My parents weren’t happy and I had no intention of going back. At the time, My mom was working as a social worker at a school for disabled kids. Somehow, she pulled some strings and got me a job there. It was a high school and some of the kids were actually older than me. I could go into a long-winded yet uplifting story about how hard yet fulfilling this job was but I’d be lying. While I do think it could have been that way, I was 19. I was in no mind-set to be working that kind of job. Basically, I would get up at 5:30 am (strike one), take the F train to the last stop in Queens and then take a bus (strike 2) , just to arrive at this madhouse full of kids ranging from slightly emotionally disturbed dyslexics to batshit crazy kids that needed harnesses to walk (strike 3 through 8). Again, My 19-year-old brain was not prepared for this. Because I was under qualified , my job was to give special help to this one student in particular. I was basically a less glorified teachers assistant. He had something known as Prader willi syndrome. I’m not 100% sure about all of the characteristics of it but he was highly OCD and emotionally childish. He ate EVERYTHING. In fact, he had a little bald spot on his head from where he scratched and made dandruff fall, that he would then eat off the desks. Worst of all for the kid was that he was never gonna age. He was pretty much just stuck in the body of a pudgy , awkward 13-year-old forever. I felt terrible for the kid but, also, he was a total asshole. I realize that this is entirely due to his condition but , man, I hated that kid so much at that time. His condition was one that made any good deed done to make his life easier completely thankless. He’d scream at me all the time and cry uncontrollably when he didn’t get what he wanted. It was awful. So, yeah, that job sucked. I’m glad I did it in hindsight, but it was completely brutal at the time.

what is proper public bathroom etiquette?
I’m somewhat of a novice with public bathrooms. I’ll pee anywhere but shitting is a different story. With that in mind, lemme see if I can draw up a few guidelines, as I see them.
1)Eyes up top.
Obviously, don’t look at another mans cock while he’s peeing. That goes without saying. But, it’s easily rule #1

2)Not everyone needs to wash their hands after peeing.
With all these toilets that flush on their own now, washing your hands after peeing is somewhat pointless. How dirty is the skin of your dick? So dirty that you need to clean your hands off? Assuming you didn’t piss on your fingers or touch the inside of the urinal, you should be good to go. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it , it’s just shouldn’t be obligatory. I’ve seen people scoff at others who don’t wash their hands after peeing. Fuck them. Learn to piss straight and it’s not an issue.

3)If you gotta go, let it fly
Pretty much all the times I’ve had to let a huge dump out in public were emergencies. Otherwise I wouldn’t be there. When you first approach this situation , I think most people try to be coy about it and attempt to silently slip out the quietest shit known to man. This never works as it just tends to lead to a drawn out farting sequence that sounds like a grade school band tuning their instruments. So, the answer is just to have no shame and let it fly. Shit your brains out. You don’t know these other people. Let them bask in your horrific dump. If you want, hit them with a courtesy flush…or don’t. Again, you don’t know them. Not to mention, we’ve all been there. It may be gross to hear another person do it but , surely, we can all relate.

4) Don’t speak.
Word to No Doubt. When pissing or shitting next to someone, keep your fucking mouth shut. This includes cell phone conversations cause , i’m not looking at you. Maybe I think you’re talking to me. Public bathrooms should be treated like libraries. Keep everything to a whisper. Except for thunderous dumps. That’s out of your hands.

I’m really interested in a post by you about ‘reasoning with dumb violent people’.

I don’t know if there’s a whole post worth in here but I can give some pointers of how I go about it.
1) Make them think they’re not in the wrong
Because they’re dumb and reasoning is not an option, the idea is to appeal to their frightened side and make them think they have a point. Like, “Yes, I understand he stepped on your shoe. That certainly is a murder worthy offense. But you don’t wanna go to jail, right?”

2)Assure them that “everything is ok” and “it’s over”
I suppose this is kinda just some jedi mind trick but by telling them these things they might believe you. I most cases, they are a drunk person looking for a reason to fight someone. This also means their attention could be flipped on you at any second. Just play the calming role and hopefully it will soothe their savage brain.

3)Remove them from the area where the problem is occurring
Much like angry dogs, dumb violent people won’t rest until the thing they’ve set their sights on has been either removed from their line of vision or killed. So, either get that person out of there or get the dumb violent person out of there. Once the coast is clear, they will very likely calm down a bit. buying them a shot (or whatever) seems to go over well as that is like the dumb violent persons mating call as well.

4)If this violence is aimed at you, appeal to their ego
Nothing wrong with being a pussy if some lunatic wants to kick your ass for no reason. Take the L, emotionally. If he wants you to say you’re a pussy in front of his friends, say it. He’s a dickhead, and so are his friends. Losing their respect is far more worth it than getting your ass stomped by a bunch of drunk mongoloids.

What’s the appeal in the sexual conquest of barely legal tail? You mentioned how 18 year olds are generally bad at sex, yet they’re coveted by men (see the howls of anticipation when nubile teen celebs approach 18). Is this due to the simple idea that they’re in their prime physically? Or is it something more primal than that–in the face of their virginal inexperience, there are less expectations as far as sexual gratification is concerned, and the guy is free to go hog wild? I’m really curious what your take on this phenomenon is.

GREAT question. seriously.
I have lots of thoughts on this. There are many different levels to why dudes want young girls,. One is, as you said, how they look physically. I mean, lets not front, they’re toned, their skin is softer, and nothing is drooping yet. That said , I think it goes deeper than just that into the male psyche. I think one of the main things that men love about them is the idea that they’re “Pure”. The idea that they’re getting to touch upon something that hasn’t been ruined by other people yet. The irony of this is that , nowadays, by the time a girl is 18, she’s most likely been through the sexual ringer. Kids today are fucking at a younger age and more “extreme” with their practices (well done, internet porn!).
I think a big part of it is the male ego. Men want to be the first to conquer. And I don’t mean this in a taking virginity kinda way. I mean, the want to be the guy who opens up all these sexual doors to the wide eyed sexual new comer. It’s 100% ego based and I’m willing to bet that plays into this greatly. To be the guy who “turned a girl out” is a big deal to lots of dudes. That said, no one “turns out” a virgin. I’ve never had sex with a virgin. I’ve never wanted to. It seems like no fun and just a lot of extra emotional bullshit to deal with for someone you’re very likely not that attached to.
You’ll sometimes hear dudes talk of virgins like a special prize. But I think that’s just talk. It’s a responsibility. The only thing about a virgin I could see as a huge plus is that you’re 100% sure she’s clean. Cause, the sex itself, is gonna be wack. It hurts her. It’s too tight. Blood. I dunno…doesn’t sound like a good time unless you’re a creep who enjoys inflicting pain on girls.
Much better than virgins are the girls who have had some experiences but none that were great. They’re past the point where it will hurt but not yet to the point where they really enjoy it. That’s when the male ego goes into overdrive and wants to devour.

Regardless, older dudes wanting the hot young girls will never end. We’re just wired to crave what we wanted back in high school. We simply don’t really change that much. I’d say the most important part of that is excepting you’re too old for that shit and moving on.