Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 15

Hello everyone. I thought being on the road in europe was gonna make updating this blog an issue but it turns out when I’m jet lagged and sleeping 2 hours a night, I have all the time in the world to write stuff. So, that’s kinda good news…kinda.
So, this week, I’m bringing back every assholes favorite column. The one where I hypothetically wed, make love or murder an assortment of people who probably wouldn’t piss on me if i was on fire, but they might do it if I got stung by a jellyfish. You never know. I’m cool with that. Let’s get into it.

F/M/K: Michelle Williams, Emma Watson, or Felicity.

Fuck: Emma Watson

This was tough for me cause, to be honest, I don’t really give a shit about Emma Watson. I know mad dudes out there consider her to be one of the hotter girls but I’m not a Harry Potter watching pedophile and I don’t like girls with underbites. That said, she’s obviously not unattractive and I feel as if she’s in some sort of slutty personal awakening right now. What better time than that to put your penis in a girl?

Marry: Michelle Williams

I actually met her very briefly at a new years party like a decade ago. I had no idea who she was beyond “the adorable girl who dressed like Anne frank”. So, having seen her in person, I can attest to her being pretty fucking cute. Little known fact for all you “big picture” type guys: Cute has longevity. Hot is great but most hot girls eventually hit a wall and that former hotness turns. Just look at Pamela Anderson or every real housewife ever. Cute lasts. and for that reason, I’d wife up Williams cause she’s gonna be cute well into her 40’s. Oh, she was pretty nice when I met her too, considering she was briefly talking to a drunk asshole in huge baggy pants , holding a 40.

Kill: Felicity

This one got me on a technicality. Had this person wrote “Keri Russell” I’d be lamenting about how I’d kill Emma Watson. But, no, they said Felicity. The sexless teenager with a white lady afro. While the current Keri Russell is actually pretty hot (She lives/lived in my hood and I’ve seen her around) the young Felicity was simply not quite there yet. So, for that, she will have to die. I’m sorry…but , clearly,whoever picked these options is to blame.

F/M/K:frida the artist, jennifer anistan and blossum

Marry: Jennifer Aniston

Sure, it’s comical to even consider someone marrying her but, hey, somebodies gotta do it. Considering the the options, it’s not exactly a tough choice. Now, I assume she must be awful in real life. Anytime a successful , attractive leading woman can’t keep a man to save her life, I usually just assume they’re pieces of shit (More on that theory here). In this case, I’ll roll the dice. Say what you will about Aniston but she’s pretty much got one of the best post 40 year old bodies ever (I mean, have you seen her in a bikini in “just go with it”? Holy shit…). Basically, I’m picking her cause she’s the only choice here I’d actually want to have sex with…Sue me.

Fuck: Frida

Ughh…This is 100% dependent on her being some sort of freak. While I’d like to say it’s Salma Hayek playing her, that’s not the case. This is the real Frida Kahlo. Mono-brow , 8th grade mexican boy moustache and all. Shit, just looking at that brow , I can’t help but imagine her vagina looks like a busy barber shop floor in little Armenia. But, like I said, I’m assuming she’s into some fun type of kinky stuff so at least it would be an experience. If possible, I’d definitely try and get her waxed prior to the love making.

Kill: Blossom

She’s what we in the business call “Tragically jewy” (it’s okay, I’m part jew, I can say that). I was always baffled by her being cast as the lead on anything that wasn’t a before picture for plastic surgery. If i were nicer, I’d say she was a handsome woman. but I’m not…and if she was a man , she’d like like David duchovny’s slow brother.
So, yes, she’s a definite kill. Six, on the other hand, could probably still get it.

F/M/K Breaking bad edition: Krysten Ritter (Jane) Anna Gun (Skyler) Betsy Brandt (Marie)

Kill: Skyler

I don’t think there’s a man alive who wouldn’t jump on this opportunity. I can’t recall a character more hated by men specifically in recent history. Is it just men? Do women hate her too? i mean, shit, I empathize with her situation but , man, she’s is just so unlikable. I don’t even know what it is…her face? It’s probably her face. Whatever it is, it’s a death sentence.

Marry: Marie

This was tough…do I go with the loyal yet kind of annoying wife or the totally hot junkie? I’d like to think I’d be cool enough to pick the junkie but I’m a fairly practical person. I’ve been around enough junkies to know that I don’t want to be around them much. Marie is nice enough and seems to have a good heart. Again, I find her fairly annoying too but it better that then cleaning vomit up all the time and dealing with a wife that might die at any given moment.

Fuck: Jane

Like I said, she’s hot. In fact, she’s very hot. The junkie thing is certainly a no-no for long term but a night with her would be okay. I’d just try and pick a night where her high was even so she wouldn’t be a total mess. And when we were done, i’d do the gentlemanly thing and role her over so she wouldn’t choke to death on her vomit while she sleeps. Any good guy would do that.

F/M/K: Shitty music fans edition: juggalos/parrot heads/Beliebers

Kill: Parrot heads

For those of you under 40, this is referring to fans of Jimmy buffet. He makes music for old people who sip mai tai’s in bermuda shorts at a hedonism resort. There is nothing relatable to me about his music or the people who enjoy it..not even on a comical “haha, look at these losers” kinda way. So, i’mma kill them. Kill’em dead. Leaving a trail of bloody hawaiian shirts and broken drink umbrellas in my wake.

Fuck: Juggalos

Cause, seriously, fuck them.
Nah, I’m not even mad at them. In fact, I find them highly entertaining. Granted, I wouldn’t want to be in a room with more than one at a time but at least there is some distant , very very abstract connection I share with them. They like “rap”. Sure, their ideal rap involves face paint and no rhythm but still, it’s at least on the same spectrum. I realize this is like saying “hey, they like pizza and I like pizza” but it’s all i got here. I still dislike parrot heads more so I guess I’m fucking juggalos.

Marry: Beliebers

This is an abstract one. First off, I’m pretty sure , as a whole, they’re too young to have sex with. So, part of this would be waiting for them to be legal. I just wanna clarify that.
The reason I choose them to marry is cause I know that being a fan of Justin Beiber is not a life long thing. It’s a phase. A phase young girls go through when they haven’t figured out their vaginas yet. So, with this in mind, knowing that their love of that little canadian whigger will one day pass, I can live with the idea of tolerating it until it does finally dissipate. In fact, i can even say that many of these ladies will turn out to be okay. Hell, I know plenty of cool girls who loved the New kids on the block or N-synch. All those types of artists are abut a time and a place. I can accept that. So, put a ring on it…in about 7 years.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 18

Good day. Have a seat on my couch. Tell me all about your shitty relationship. That’s what I’m here for.
Yes, this is where I answer questions about topics of the heart (and genitals) that were sent in by you, the readers. If you have more questions, send me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
As always, I’m not a trained or licensed anything…I’m just honest and will tell you as I see it. So, take it all with a grain of salt…but also now that I’m right about 75% of the time. I assure , that’s a better % than any of your stupid ass friends.

Hey blockhead me and this girl started dating about a year and a half ago. 6 months in we left for college but stayed together. a few months in we started fighting a lot mostly over me getting mad over her going out all the time not telling me who shes with blah blah blah. after about another six months of this constantly she broke up with me. 2 weeks later i fucked another girl then the girl that broke up with me ended up hitting me up and we hung out. i fucked her too. then the next day i told both girls about each other because of the guilt or whatever. after about a week of my ex girlfriend hating me she forgave me and we got kinda back together. she’s back at school now and i dropped out so im an hour and a half away from her. i have the same issues now with her going out and stuff but i don’t want to ruin it again. she sees nothing wrong with what she does because she legitimately says theyre only friends even though shes friends with mostly just guys. shes never actually done anything to make me not trust her except for a text or two from a random guy at her school asking to go to a party. she says she hasnt even kissed someone else even when we broke up. so do you think i’m being ridiculous? or do you think this is just a waste of time that will never work out?
also she doesnt give me shit or fight with me for anything i do, we never fought before school, she gives great head and we smoke a lot of weed together. I really love this girl but idk if these problems are solvable. she also doesnt want to be boyfriend and girlfriend right now because of all the problems it caused but she still talks to me everyday says she loves me and that shell stay loyal. what do you think i should do?

Hey, you know that saying, right? “couples who smoke weed and give head to each other, stay together.”

I got a few problems with this. First off , you don’t trust her for shit. I mean, damn dude…you’re seriously being that quintessential jealous boyfriend. I don’t know why you’re like that but it’s not a good way to be. Now, if she’s given you reason to feel unsure about how she acts when she goes out, then that’s one thing but if you’re just being an insecure pussy cause she has male friends, then get over it. Sure, these dudes probably want to fuck her. That’s how life works. But it really comes down to if she’s the type of girl who would fuck them. Now, considering she smokes weed and gives great head, I have my reservations. She’s also in college. College is when girls are free for the first time in their lives. This often means, they slut out a little bit. So, it’s possible she’s doing what college girls do. Unfortunately, most people aren’t as honest as you and , if she were to hook up with other dudes, she’ll probably take that to grave with her.
I dunno man. I believe this girl cares about you but I also think that a relationship that lacks trust will never work. It might result in great sex but it’s long term shelf life is never good. Especially considering she got back with you after you fucked some other girl. Even though you were single at the time, I gotta think that still pops in her head. So, I think you should cut it loose simple because you’re both young , you’re 1.5 hours apart and you don’t trust her. I honestly don’t understand why anyone under the age of 25 even considers serious relationships in the first place but I suppose hindsight is 20/20.

so…it’s 4am, and i’ve been tossing and turning in my bed thinking about this girl for a few hours! sucks. i even hung out w/ a bunch of sexy girls earlier this evening that were willing to come home with me…. yet here i am, alone, thinking about this one.

so this girl i’m talking about moved into my house last week. she’s a mutual friend among friends. i knew she was looking for a place to crash for a few months, because she’s moving to europe in january…..she was kinda like a vagabond during this time, just staying wherever she can….so she inquires about moving in for a few months and i say OK. she’s a cute lil thing, but i never really had intentions of making any moves before she moved in. we’re kinda like homies…buuuuuut if the opportunity ever arose i’d totally smash that.

the first night she crashes over she sleeps in my bed. we don’t do anything but spoon each other to sleep, but that’s still a boundary we’ve never crossed w/ each other. in my hormone driven mind i’m thinkin “alright, this might be interesting over time”…i guess i should also note that my homie knocked her up a month or 2 ago and she lost the baby and before that she got out of like a 7 year relationship, sooo i’m not really just trying to dick her down right away. i figure i’ve got 6 months, why rush it?

so she continues to sleep in my bed for a couple more nights (no sex), but she stays out a couple nights and…..i ended up MISSING HER….fuck. so much for no attachment. now it’s at the point where i think about her 24/7. she stresses the fact frequently that she’s single, but she hangs out w/ this dude a lot. they were hookin up before she moved in w/ me..i’m pretty sure he kicks her down $$$ and drugs.

problem: i like her a lot. pretty sure she likes me too, but since she lives with me i think we might both be a little apprehensive to make anything happen (and we’re both hella awkward individuals). earlier this evening when i was w/ those sexy girls, she was there with her sugar daddy. she’s with him now. that’s why i’ve been so restless.

oh yeah, and she’s got the herp…i know that should be a deal breaker right there, but i’m willing to work around that :/

i need to do something before this gets even more out of hand! what would you suggest the best c.o.a is???

You’re use of “Sexy girls” gives me douche chills. Who are you? Borat? Just saying…
As for this girl, there are so many signs in this that scream “Do NOT ENTER”.
1)She just got out of a 7 year relationship
2)She recently had a miscarriage and , thus, might be going through some emotional issues right now that a good fucking won’t help.
3)She’s seeing a guy who gives her money and drugs.
4)She’s got the herp

Maybe I’m a prude but those four things are just enough for me to step away from a situation. And you seem to not be hard up , considering all the “sexy ladies” you see so ,perhaps, following your heart on this one isn’t the best idea. At least not now. If you legit like this girl and want any sort of future with her, now is not the time to move forward. Let her get her bearings cause she sounds like a fucking mess right now.
However, if you’re just trying to hit it and you don’t care about the long term, I’m pretty sure she’s open for business. Granted, you’d kinda be taking advantage of some damaged goods but, hey, that never stopped every dude who’s ever taken a black out drunk girl home from a bar. Just know though, she’s very likely going to be in a much different place in a year. For better or for worse. The only thing that will remain for sure? THE HERP.

Alright, Block. I recently met this girl from class this semester and also learned that we work at the same office at school. So over the first few weeks, we’ve seen and spoken to each other plenty of times already. She’s pretty cool- we seem to chill the same way, which is to smoke mad weed and watch bad movies all day. She seems pretty smart, has a similar sense of humor. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in seeing this girl.

Anyway, she invited me to a party in Brookyn (with mad frail white dudes) this past Saturday, and I decided to go. When I got there, she seemed to be a little flirty with me–a little more playful. I took this for a decent sign, but when I came back to the dance floor a while later, I see this girl grinding on some other dude and the two kiss. So I’m kinda stunned by this for a moment and go get myself another drink. A while later, I rush out the party to get a cigarette at the store and clear my head. As I do that, the same girl’s outside talking to that same dude and I guess she spotted me. I get back to the party and this girl gives me all her attention, wondering where I went. She leans right on me and I grip her by the waist side and kind of feel up on her for a bit. She tells me the dude kissing her was her “boyfriend but not really.” I’m still kind of stunned by all this. I mean, I’m not opposed to an open relationship or a fuck buddy or whatever, but I didn’t think this was her style. At the very least, she should’ve said something about her boyfriend being here. But I don’t bring it up at the time and just maintain the vibe cause the shit feels cool. I think I rationalized by telling myself at least I’m the other dude and not the faulty boyfriend.

She ends up dancing with her boyfriend again for a bit and then the party gets crashed by the police. I think her boyfriend said he had to drive some friends back home and basically leaves her at the party. I end up walking with her to the subway, and we make out and touch for a while before splitting ways.

I get back by 3 am and around five in the morning, she texts me, saying “I’m glad you came!” I kinda didn’t wanna text at the time and end up just going to bed. Anyway, I check my phone around two in the afternoon and by then she sent a text saying “OMG I was so drunk yesterday.” So I tell her she was just fine that night and that I had a good time, and then she says she doesn’t remember much, which I can’t totally buy. She had no questions about the party and even remembered some details about the trip back home, but apparently forgot that we made out. So in a very bad turn of events (fueled by her and my own confusion about the night before), we have a painful text conversation where I recount what happened and admit to her that I was uncomfortable about her having her boyfriend at the same party without me knowing. She apologizes and tells me she’d just like to be friends, and I explain that I’m okay with her situation with her boyfriend and would be fine continuing things as when we last saw each other (which I consider friendly too but could possibly lead to some fucking). We basically end at expressing those two things.

So what should I make of this? Do I still have a chance of maybe keeping this girl around as someone to chill and fuck with? What are the ways that I should even go about that? Am I sleazy for still considering this girl at all? And are texts in the morning that important? I can’t help but think this all would’ve been different if I got back to her at five in the morning.

Thanks and sorry for the novel, btw!

Nothing makes me happier than when people who ask questions get all 50 shades of grey up in this bitch and start recounting sexual details. Soooooooo good.

Anyway, This seems like one of those situations that could linger.
My read on it is that this girl is A LITTLE into you. Not so much she wants to date you or even have sex with you…but enough that, when she’s drunk, she will sometimes make out with you. This can be frustrating cause it leads to bi-monthly drunk make out sessions that keep you think it’s something that it’s not. Meanwhile, she’s just acting on urges and nothing more. If I were you, I wouldn’t invest much time in this but also don’t turn it down when it’s offered. The worst thing you can do is waste your time , waiting for that “moment” every time you guys hang out , only to be disappointed 90% of the time. I had a situation like this when I was in high school. I was obsessed with this and we’d hang out as friends. but , in my head, EVERY TIME we hung out, I thought “maybe today is the day”. It never was. That’s partially cause I was an unprecedented pussy but still…it was a waste of time.

As for the more factual aspect of all this, she’s full of shit. she’s totally remembers making out with you and she just doesn’t wanna get into it. I have a feeling she has stronger feelings for her “sort of boyfriend” but you make a good stand by dude. If they break up, MAYBE she’s let you in. But, trust me, being that stand by guy is some bullshit. Avoid it if you can.

Ah, asking people over the internet for relationsip advice. What a pivitol moment in my life.

I didn’t date much in highschool but have dated my college boyfriend for four years and now we are currently “on a break”. Man, I can’t say that without thinking of Ross and Rachel, haha. Anyway, I guess you could say he is my first love and that would be the big factor in why I can’t seem to really break things off from him. I get a lot of “no relationship is perfect”, “your first love is always the best”, and “wouldn’t it be so cute to marry your first serious relationship?”. The feedback certainly makes me think.

Basically, I didn’t feel particularly connected to him anymore and was tired of his annoying crap. Maybe that’s selfish, but let me explain: The first three years of our relationship he excessively lied to me about going out and getting drunk with his friends and these chicks that hung around them. He lied about it literally every week because he knew I didn’t really like his friends. Really, I just didn’t like that he had to lie about being with them and did it so stupidly that I always caught him. For the past year the lying has stopped but then he just frustrated me in other ways. He finished college but said he wasn’t ready for a real job so continues to work at Costco and live at home with his mom. Costco is apparently so stressful that I wasn’t aloud to really talk to him for several hours after work and if he did work that would rule out all possibility to leave his mom’s house for the evening. I had my own apartment and offered him to live with me but he declined. I asked him to visit but he insisted I come to his mother’s house instead. His mom hates me. I decided to continue my education at a school an hour away and he said it was too long distance and threw a fit. He’s pretty codependant and often tries to dictate what I do, who I’m friends with, etc so it doesn’t interfere with me spending time with him. I had enough and insisted we spend some time apart. It’s nice being able to focus on myself for once and, if it’s not obvious, I’m a little bitter about all that’s happened.

We haven’t seen eachother in three months. I’ve honestly avoided seeing him again because I know it’ll be awkward and he’ll cry. I asked for complete space but he freaked the fuck out and still texts me everyday. I text back to avoid him calling me 15 times in a row until I talk to him. Sometimes I miss him/still think of him. He was a significant part of my life for quite some time. Since I started the break he has been much nicer, more respecful, almost annoyingly perfect in hopes of winning me back. He is truly going above and beyond to profess his love to me and I have to give him props for staying dedicated to me for months after I checked out. I’m not so sure any other guy would be that crazy about me. I also have insecurity in myself, afraid I’ll never find someone again.

Sorry for this novel but to wrap up this long story… Should I give him another chance? Clearly he loves me and is my first love (if that counts for anything). Also, I admit if I saw him with another girl my heart would break a tiny bit. Or, how do I finally cut the cord and move on with my life?

Man, I feel like a real negative nancy over here with all these answers but, i suppose that’s the nature of this…

Listen, this relationship has run it course. While he is your first love and there will always be a part of you that thinks about him, I’d say he’s past the point of fixing. He’s being all nice right now but I’d bet my life , within a month of getting back together, he’d be back to his regular self and you’d be miserable.
The thing about the term “first love” is that it kinda hints at more loves to follow. We all go through it. it sucks. You’re a mess for a bit but you move on and eventually find someone who doesn’t work at costco and live with his mother , who hates you. Question: Does he smoke weed and give good head?
Just kidding.
But, seriously, you need to be strong and stick to your guns. You made the right move by trying to remove him from you life now you gotta hold your ground. He’s gonna do anything to change this cause, well, he works at costco and lives with his mom. A man is typically only as great as his options are. It sounds like you’re going upward while he’s middling. It should no longer be your problem. Just suck it up and keep it moving. I guarantee you will find an upgrade in your lifetime.

Answers for questions Vol. 104

(^^^^This is the only kind of cat related photo I will ever post here)
Whattup everyone. In about 6 hours I will be on a plane to Europe to do shows for the first time in over 7 years. If you live out there, check it out. While I’m telling you that so some people may come to these shows, I’m also letting all my readers know that, due to this travel, my output this week might be a little all over the place. I’m gonna try to keep up in some manner but if it means I can get a little sleep, I might miss a day or two. But, hey, I’ll try my best. I realize how devastating this much be to you. Just kidding. You don’t give a shit but, hey, if on thursday you’re like “Hmm…how come Blockhead hasn’t posted anything in a few days…” That’s why.
Anyway, this is the answers for questions portion of the blog. So, send me your questions! Email me them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Okay. okaaaaaaaay.

I’m not from nyc but I’m taking a girl out on a first date here, I kinda just arrived here and was wondering if you knew any good places to take a girl out on a first date?

This is kinda like asking “I’m going to the beach…are there any good grains of sand I should look for?”. Dude, it’s New York. It’s got a billion restaurants and like half of them are pretty good. It’s also a city with many different neighborhoods so I’d need some more details. It would be easier to tell you where not to go…so I’ll do that.
Avoid midtown manhattan. It’s full of dipshits and crappy tourist restaurants that are strictly there to make midwesterners feel at home. Avoid murray hill, which is a neighborhood on the east side of Manhattan from the streets in 30’s to the mid 20’s. It’s not tourist trap but it does seem to be where a lot of human garbage are attracted to when choosing a destination for a night on the town.
Honestly, I was never one for “dates” but if you’re a traditional guy and she’s a traditional girl (meaning, the “Meet me at a bar, let’s get drunk and eventually stumble to a cab and have sex” date isn’t gonna work) than maybe I’d suggest hitting some of the waterfront areas. Battery park city or dumbo in brooklyn. Those are romantic places you can walk around and hold hands, while staring in each others eyes like this is some lady and the tramp type shit. There are also tons of places to eat around those areas. So, yeah…do that. But, seriously, the meeting at a bar and getting drunk together thing has an unbelievable success rate.

The other day, I held the door open for a woman as common courtesy…but she thought I wanted to hit on her and gave me the eye-roll. And this has occurred numerous times on different occasions…different parts of the city. It’s truly the end of an era when chivalry is frowned on by women. Have you noticed this growing trend?

I’ve more noticed that people in general are generally selfish and rude. I too am the type who holds doors for people. Not cause I’m gentleman, but more cause I wasn’t raised by fucking wolves. Far to often, when I’m holding the door for someone, they’ll just walk by and not even acknowledge that I, a stranger who owes them nothing, was polite enough to hold the door for them, a stranger whom I owe nothing to. It’s infuriating. Even a grunted “thanks” is enough. I haven’t noticed it more with a particular gender though. I will say that old people seem to give less of a fuck in general about door holding etiquette , which is ironic considering they’re really the target group of people who need things opened for them. The other day, I was in a bank and some old dude literally slammed a door right in the face of some women behind him. It was so blatant that people who noticed actually laughed. He noticed it, looked at her and didn’t say a word. It was pretty amazing.

This isn’t a goofy love question, mostly a dumb life question. See, I’ve got an opportunity to get a promotion and transfer down to NYC for work this coming February. Its a big life decision for me as it’ll be the first time I move out of my folks place. But I’m not too worried about that.

My only worry is the place i’ll be moving to – Brooklyn. If television and Hollywood have taught me anything, it’s don’t fuck with Brooklyn.

I guess my question is: should I be worried? Where are the safe neighborhoods to move to? Should I just live outside of Brooklyn somewhere and take a train??

Now as for cost of living, I should be breaking even (I’d be working as a bartender in a super busy restaurant. It’ll be located in Park Slope so you could prolly figure out where I’ll be working, haha). Maybe I just need someone that’s knowledgeable about the subject of living in the city to talk me out of it (or talk me into it). I’m sure my preconceived notions are rubbish. As for the bigger picture, do I plan on living in Brooklyn long? No way. I just need to live in NYC for a year for other career decisions and an entirely different ‘Ask Dr. Tony’ question completely.

Dude, you’re concept of New York is laughably uninformed. I mean, it’s not your fault but it’s not like you’re moving to Detroit. I’m assuming you’re from a very small town or somewhere very desolate cause it sounds like you’ve never been in a major city in your life.
I can’t really get into an entire breakdown of NYC but I’ll let you know that:
1)Brooklyn is fine. Sure , it’s still got it’s rough parts but I’m pretty sure you will not be living there. Brooklyn is pretty much where most NY transplants flock to now. It’s full of baby strollers and artisanal cheese shops. You will be fine.
2)Park slope, in particular, is home to young married couples and lesbians. It’s very nice and not dangerous at all (except a few small areas here and there but, like i said, you won’t be in them). It’s also got like a thousand bars and restaurants so I actually have no idea where you’d be working just based of the fact that you’re working at a bar in Park Slope. I did chuckle to myself at the concept of me being like “Oh, you’re bartending at a bar in park slope? Oh I’m pretty sure I know which one that is…”
3)I feel the need to just clarify something…you seem pretty sure that you will be making enough money to break even and live here but I get the feeling you might not be aware of the cost of living here. On the bright side, you don’t need a car. You can take the train everywhere and it’s mostly safe and effective. However, rent is expensive as fuck….especially if you’re nervous about staying in a decent neighborhood. So, plan on spending AT LEAST $1500 a month. Unless you do some Craigs list shit and find a room somewhere, which is a plausible concept that people do all the time here.

So, yeah, I’d tell everyone to move to New York. I mean, it’s not like any other city in the US and you can’t really understand what it’s going to be like till you’ve been there. But, rest assured, it’s not 1981 and the streets are no filled with junkies and the street gangs from “The Warriors”. You’ll most likely be really safe. Still, don’t be surprised if the city eventually spits you out. It has a tendency to do that to those who, as they say, ain’t about this life.

How did you feel when El-P ended Def Jux?

I saw it coming. I mean, obviously, I had some insider info working so , as it began to come apart, you could see it all taking shape. How i felt? It was unfortunate. They had a great run and put out some amazing music. I’d say it was more a case of the music industry model just not working for independent labels anymore. That’s why, at this point, there’s only like 3 successful indy rap labels still releasing music.
So, yeah, I was bummed but I also wasn’t signed directly to them so it wasn’t like it hurt my career personally.

What was your oppinion of the El-P/Vast Aire/Cage beef/disagreement after Camu passed?

I get asked these kinda questions all the time. So, here’s my answer: I have no fucking idea. I wasn’t involved. I barely even understand what the beefs were exactly about. They were all friends with Camu at one point but, hey, shit happens. I can’t honestly say who did what or why one guy was mad at the other. All I know is that it’s a shame that such negativity had to come after the passing of someone all parties involved cared deeply about.

Block, would I get more/better quality cheeks being friends with Evan Longoria or Eva Longoria?

I feel like i should translate this for my non-city dwelling readers. By “cheeks”, he means “ass” and by “Ass” he means “vagina”…or ass. I suppose that’s up for debate.

Anyway, I would say you’d get way more knowing Evan Longoria. He’s a pro athlete and those dudes go hard in the club. They get some much pussy that there is always a little extra for the tagalongs. They also probably tend to surround themselves with women of…umm…more flexible morals. So that doesn’t hurt either. Assuming evan Longoria isn’t the jealous woman hoarding type, it could work out quite well for a dude.
While it’s possible to get ass by knowing hot women, that’s more of a quality over quantity type thing. A hot girl will hook you up with her friends. In fact having a girl on your side always helps. The only down side is that most girls are not going to just let you run through their entire social circle as it’s a shitty thing to do to their friends.
Also, you never know, maybe Eva Longoria is one of those types of girls who gets all selfish about hooking people up. The type who’s always like “oh, totally! i’ll hook you up with so many girls!” and then she ends up cock blocking you every chance she gets. Who knows…Regardless, I’d ride with Evan on this one.

Hello Blockhead. I was wondering what your thoughts were on boob jobs. I’m in my twenties and was considering going under the knife. Now i’m not talking double D’s here, just something to look at would be enough for me. I’m on the shortish side and skinny, I was one of those girls who got to 16 and realized I wasn’t gunna end up with a rack. It’ s a strange question because I feel like I do my man a disservice as his partner to not have boobs and i’m not getting any younger. I’ve talked with friends and my man but they give me a well trained ‘you’re fine as you are’ with not much else to go on. I also feel like a bourgeois twat for wanting something this shitty.

Boob jobs are stupid. Straight up. Fake tits look gross about 95% of the time and , from what I’ve been told, they feel wack too. The only time I’ve seen them look okay is when a girl who has a little something there already, adds a little something so it at least looks like a real body part you might find on a human. More often than not, though, girls with totally flat chests get them and end up having the same tits a transexual would have. Super tight skin, weirdly shaped and just not appealing to look at. You’re short…so that means you might have a fat ass (in the good way). Go with that. Any dude that’s gonna like a girl cause of her fake tits is not only going to be a terrible sexual partner but he’ll probably give you some std’s as well.
Also, if your boyfriend and friends are telling you you’re fine, quit obsessing over it. We’re all dealt a hand in life. Yours is your worthless titties. Trust me, it could be a lot worse.

Song of the day: 9/21/12

C.V. Vault by CVE

In the late 90’s/early 2000’s, some interesting shit was going on in the L.A. underground scene. Formally split down the middle between the gangster acts and the left field movement , the two scene began to meld ever so slightly. C.V.E. was a group that came out of the project blowed camp but they weren’t you’re typical lyric obsessed, take it to the next level type of rappers. They were like the thugged out cousins of freestyle fellowship. Along with rappers like Ellay khule and Volume 10 , they carved their own niche in a scene that was know for being pretty black and white.

This song in particular is off an old compilation called “Foolblown: Inside out Vol. 1” which was released by a small website (foolblown.com) that sold cd’s and wanted to expand their business. At the time, it was a tiny release that only a handful of people were up on but, looking back, it was a pretty big launch pad for a lot of the most popular indie, underground rap artists of the early 2000’s. It featured Atmosphere, Aesop rock, Vast aire, Illogic, Dose one, ect…

I picked this song for the day cause I was reminded of a moment I had when it kinda popped out at me. Both Aesop and I had given this compilation plenty of run back then. We were marveling over Illogic’s song (which is one long verse that he absolutely demolishes) and Aesop was like “That C.V.E. song is interesting too…” this started a discussion and we ended up just sitting there and listening to it together. Weed was involved. But , it was funny cause we both kinda came around to it at the same time. It seemingly didn’t really fit with a lot of what was on that album beat-wise or lyrically but , in a way it was a perfect departure from the majority of the album.

Making mixes for girls Part 1

Some of you are probably too young to even know this was once a thing, but there was a time when making a mix for a girl was every sucker-for-love types go to move. I’m not talking about putting together a soulless playlist on I-tunes and exporting it into a some girls external hard drive. I’m talking about sitting by a cassette player, dubbing songs from cd’s and tapes onto a cassette or cd. I’m talking about writing down the song titles and artists with your bare hands on that paper fold out that came with the blank cd/cassettes. I’m talking about optional artwork you might add to the cover and maybe even personal notes written to the girl you’re giving the cd/tape to. This took time and thought. You had to literally sit and listen to every song as it recorded and even consider the order of the songs. Often putting songs in a very particular order to somehow purvey a message. It was , in a way, an expression of art and desire , concealed as a casual thing you just did for a buddy. A buddy, I might add, that you wanted to have sex with.

In my mid teens to my mid 20’s, I was shy with girls. Because that was an era when people actually had to talk on the phone and communicate like humans, it wasn’t as easy as it is now. We couldn’t just send a text pic of our cocks and call it a day. We had to actually use words that came out of our mouths. Because that was never entirely in my comfort zone, I always would make girls mixes. If I liked you, I’d make you a mix (unless it was just some girl who had heard another mix I had made for another girl and asked me for one cause she too wanted cool music to listen to).

Making a successful mix for a girl was walking a fine line. You wanted to , first and foremost, give them good music. Music you legitimately enjoy. You also wanted to be subtle. Love songs were a must but making a whole mix of slow jams was kinda presumptuous. You had to spoon feed your intentions. I’d imagine crafting a mix tape that gets across the right emotions without being too overt could be compared to sculpting a bonsai tree. It was about balance. Pretty songs, funny songs, message songs and just songs you liked and wanted to share. It was truly a craft.

When done right, mix tapes would resonate with that girl. To this day, I’d like to think there are girls out there who, when they hear certain songs, they think of my bum ass. That’s the beauty of music really. It sticks around in a persons head and rattles their thoughts. There are still tons of songs I hear all the time that take me to a specific place and time whenever I hear them. A place I would otherwise assume I had long forgotten. With a proper mixtape, it could be like a deep tissue massage for the soul of some girls you once liked. AND it would get you laid.

Another cool thing about making mixes for girls was you could throw on that corny song you secretly like cause, well, there’s a good chance the girl would be cornier than you and like it just as much.
So, I decided to make some mix tapes for girls…Basically, I put together 4 mixes of songs. Each with an angle. Each going for a different vibe. I’ll upload the rest in the coming weeks. But, fellas, don’t be dissuaded by all this girl talk. These are still, for the most part, awesome songs. Songs that men are allowed to like (well, some of them are straight up embarrassing but that’s the point).
So, here’s part 1.
This is the more “upbeat” of the mixes. That doesn’t mean it’s for dancing but it has happier moods. This is the mixtape you wanna give a girl that you like, but you’re not crazy serious about. Like, you wanna bone her, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.
Also, long time readers might be familiar with some of these songs , as I’ve been doing the “song of the day” thing for years now. Sorry about that but that’s how it is. Whatever, stop complaining for once and enjoy it. Free music , dude.
Mixtape part 1
Alternate link:
1)I only have love: Syl Johnson
2)Artibella:Ken Boothe
3)Fever:Little Willie John
4)Golden Brown: The Stranglers
5)Love that will not die: Johnny “guitar” Watson
6)You’ve made me so very happy: Lou Rawls
7)Why can’t we live together: Timmy Thomas
8)Left with a broken heart: john Holt
9)Missing: Beck
10)Ruby Lee: Bill Withers
11)Sexy Secrets: The Midnight Show
12)The First Taste: Fiona Apple
13)You push, I’ll Go: Baby Dayliner

Cheatin’: What’s your moral compass like?

I recently was talking about a situation with a friend. I’m not ashamed to say this situation was one that taking place on the newest season of the Real World. Okay, I’m a little ashamed to say that but , whatever, it’s too late now.

For those of you who did not see this season (I’m assuming that’s like 98% of the people reading this) let me break it down to you.

Two people in the house hook up. The dude has a “girl” back home that he doesn’t really speak on until after the initial hook up has happened. The girl in the house gets obsessed over the dude and, even after finding out there is someone else, she still pushes ahead in her goal to land this guy.

Now, my case was , in terms of blame, this dude is 100% at fault. I felt that because this girl was informed of a girl back home after they hooked up and , more importantly, she didn’t know that girl personally, it wasn’t really her problem.
My friend , who is a female, felt as though at least some blame should be put upon the shoulders of the “other women” because , even though she didn’t know his girl personally, it’s still not okay to be the other woman knowingly. Not to say that my friend didn’t acknowledge that the dude was mostly to blame, but she felt the girl was getting off easy.

I hope that makes sense to you.

So, here’s my question: Does the “other woman/man” owe anything to the person that is dating the person they’re hooking up with? This is assuming they don’t know that person even on the most acquaintance like level. If that person is a complete stranger, should the “other woman/man” even give a fuck about their feelings?

Now, I felt as though , while there might be karmic retribution (if you believe in that shit), no person is responsible for the feelings of a stranger. Sure, it’s a shitty thing to do and knowingly being the other person is not exactly an awesome way to live your life, but it’s also not your problem. I feel as if the blame falls heavily on the shoulders of the person in the relationship who is cheating. after all, that person is the one who knows all parties involved and that’s also the person who made any of the cheating possible in the first place.

My friend felt that , regardless of not knowing that person, it was still a super shitty thing to do (which I agree with, as i’m not a complete asshole) and , because of that, the other person deserves their fair share of the blame. (I’m sure she will write a much more specific viewpoint in the comments section upon reading this, and that’s fine)

Keep in mind, I’m slightly more sociopathic than my friend. I don’t really have “feelings” and kinda think that everyone is responsible for themselves. My friend is definitely more sympathetic and empathetic than I could ever be. But , my inner arm chair sociologist is curious. I wanna know, what’s your stance? What should ones moral compass be in this situation? I’m doing two polls. One for men and one for women cause I’m interested in how different the two will come out.
So, tell me, who’s to blame in this particular situation…



As an addition, here’s another poll concerning where the blame of cheating should land. This is more obvious to me but, with these polls you never know what crazy shit some of you people out there might think…after all some of you wipe standing up, jerk off dry and think wearing flip flops to bars is okay.

Tim and blockhead discuss music and stuff vol. 1

As you amy know, my buddy Tim AKA Alaska and I did an article called “trending topics” for 100 weeks. After 100 weeks of finding different ways to say Kim Kasdashian is a piece of shit, we have decided to move on. Here is our newest venture. It’s basically just our take on some videos. Old, new, weird and obscure. For more details, read the header that Alaska wrote but it’s not exactly rocket science.
Video’s this week include Kreayshawn and Lil’ debbie, The bushwackass, Slayer and The Skins. Good times guys.

Answers for questions vol. 103

Hi there. Another week, another batch of questions. As always, I need more questions. This is where you come in. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Also, I could really use a bunch of new “Ask Dr. Tony” questions so if anyone needs some love advice, holler at your boy. I’m here to help.

I was reading over your previous a for q & dr.tony stuff and you wrote something about that it’s not that good of an idea to go to Hip Hop shows with girls. Is it because the male gaze factor? Female intricacies in a male dominated environment?

Did I write that it’s “not a good idea”? I feel like there is some context missing there. Cause, on a basic level, there’s nothing wrong with girls going to hip hop shows. If i recall, I may have been referring to a situation I’ve come across a few times where a dude will come up to an artist , with his girlfriend, and just unabashedly gush over said artist. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is sitting there watching her boyfriend basically give another man a mental blow job and slowly losing respect for that guy and his fleeting manhood. especially if she’s not a huge fan of the artist he’s fawning over (which, girls who get dragged to rap shows often aren’t).
Or there’s the other side of the coin where the girl is a huge fan and the boyfriend just sits there and watches as an artist contemplates how he might be able to have sex with this girl…right in front on her man. Both situations are super uncomfortable but, still, I don’t see either being a big enough issue to effect whether girls should go to hip hop shows or not. The only thing is that they’re always gonna be filled with more dudes than girls. As far as I see it, that can work both ways for a female hip hop fan. Either it’s a cock overload or a smorgasbord of men for them to chose from.

There seems to be a growing sentiment among a growing portion of females nowadays that “men are the new women”. What’s your take on this?

I’d say this is all due to the pussification of society that’s running wild. Instead of trying to find a happy medium between back when men ruled over women like barbaric animals and the current sniffling pussy that men have become, there seems to be a movement for men to embrace their inner woman (and vice versa). There’s nothing wrong with opening up a little but , at some point, it just gets out of hand. A sensitive man is one thing, but a pussy is another.
I tend to think it’s all an act. Well, in most cases. I’m sure there are some legitimately sensitive dudes out there who’ve been waiting for a time when they could let their emotional flag fly. But, for most, I think it’s dudes just doing what they think they’re supposed to do. Like most things on this planet, it’s guided by the underlying need for men to put their penises inside vaginas. If you were to tell men that women only liked guys who wore ballerina outfits, it would become a trend. That’s just how it is.
This topic is honestly the type of thing scholars could write a 45 page paper on so I really don’t know how deeply I can get into it off the top of my head. Just know, it’s very real and also very pathetic.

Got a question. What are your thoughts on the explosion of vomit related content over the past decade or so? Online, tv, movies, etc? I am close your age(57, right?) and I remember a time when you pretty much never someone throwing up outside of being near a drunk/sick person or maybe a horror flick. Now i find myself flipping channels, or running across endless videos that are all about puking. I guess it’s funny once in awhile, but WTF? Why do people need to see it so often? Do you enjoy its current status in culture? Do you even notice it/care? Do you want to see more?

First off, fuck your 57, brah. I’m 55.
I have noticed this and I’m not into it. It began with viral videos and then exploded once shows like Jackass and Tosh.0 took off. Personally, I NEVER need to see someone throw up. I look at it the same as I would videos of someone taking a shit. I get that there is humor in the urgency and surprise of it but the actual act is fucking revolting. It’s that “look away and groan” type of humor. The thing about it though is that it ALWAYS works. There’s no one who watches that kinda thing and doesn’t have the same visceral reaction.
I’m afraid this is just another case of how numb to things we’ve become. We’ve seen it all to the point where there is literally an entire porn subculture dedicated to vomiting. Hell, even blow jobs in normal porn have been walking the line with all that gagging and coughing. This is like the other side of the “Pussification of the world” I was referring to earlier. While men are starting to over accept their inner bitch ass, we got things on TV that are simply not acceptable for human eyes. It’s like our souls are simultaneously crying and fighting at the same time.

You’ve just been abducted by aliens and are now being forced to star in your own sit-com about life on earth for them. They tell you they are willing to go back to earth and another person to co-star in the sit-com with you, however this person must have at one-point or another been imprisoned for a felony offense (in order to spice things up a bit on the show). Who would you choose to be your co-star and why?

How high were you when you wrote this question? Seriously…I’m all for these random , completely non-sensical hypothetical situations but this may be the most abstract one ever.
I’d probably pick Robert Downey Jr. I’m pretty sure he’s a felon and he’s also a great actor with a lot of versatility. If not him, any rapper would suffice.

Thoughts on this “half-season” of Breaking Bad? The second to last episode was heavy but they better have some pretty good shit planned for the finale if they want their full audience back.

Obviously, this was sent to me a few weeks ago, but I kinda scoff at the idea of people who are watching “Breaking bad” in it’s 4th season who are checking out now. It’s one of those shows that, if you’re in, you’re in.
I thought the half season was awesome. But I think every season of Breaking BAd is awesome…because it is. It’s crazy to see people on the internet complain and pick apart the minutia of this show instead of just sitting back and enjoying what is possibly the greatest television drama of all time. Even crazier are the theories I’ve seen people post online. It’s gotten to the point where it’s all masturbatory fan fiction.
So, yeah, it’s an amazing show and , barring any total fuck up during the last 8 episodes, it will go down as a top 3 tv show of all time in my book.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of you without a hat on. You bald bro? And at what age are baseball caps a wrap? I rock a fitted myself, and I’m not getting any younger, so I was wondering what your thoughts are on that.

I’m not bald but my hair is definitely not kicking ass. I’m on some bruce willis in the later seasons of moonlighting type shit. It’s not dope but, hey, thank god for hip hop’s acceptance of wearing hats. As for an age when you can no longer wear baseball hats? Hmm…I mean, I’d say I’m past it but it’s also very situational. The hat wearing man must adapt with age I suppose. I’m not saying a guy who hits 30 should start rocking a fedora (Fuck those things) but maybe look into something without a sports team on it…or something more woolen. Not a wool beanie, I mean like a real hat with lining and definitive shape. I’ve been rocking the same stetson wool hat for years and it’s served me well. In fact, it’s become my “fancy” hat that I can wear to places that a baseball cap might not be accepted in.
Regardless, losing your hair fucking blows.

I have a friend that claims its not necessary to look at the paper when you wipe your ass. On several occasions, we’ve had him randomly wipe his ass, knowing his no-look stance, and there is ALWAYS some shit on the paper. Do you look or just go by feel alone? Or, as I see it, do you care if you have a shit-free asshole?

I think it’s good to take a peak but it’s also not crazy if you trust your sense of feel. As a thorough wiper, I’ve never had this problem but I’m sure there are plenty of dudes out there who treat wiping as an afterthought and leave all sorts of shit (literally) unattended to. For those guys, I think it just means they go through underwear quicker.