Hey guys, it’s been a while since I fucked, married or killed. No time better than now. Thanks to all of those who submitted the other day. I sued a few of them here and plan on using more in later editions. Anyway, I’ve bought back the “Kill style” thing, where I explain how I’d kill the people…cause you guys wanted it. You guys are fucked up.
Oh and , as always, this is all jokes. Don’t get mad/offended or whatever. While I am answering as honestly as I can, I don’t actually want to marry or kill any of these people. I do wanna a fuck a few of them though…anyway, on with it.
F/M/K:Lisa bonet, Christina ricci, Rosie perez
Now there are two ways to look at this one. It could be referring to these girls in their prime or referring to them right now. Because it’ll make it harder, I’m opting to to pick from the “prime” years.
Marry: Christina Ricci
She actually lives near me so I see her walking around every now and then. First off, she’s unbelievably tiny. She’s also one of those rare cases where a girl actually has gotten hotter as she’s gotten older. In my mind, she peaked in the “black Snake Moan” era. In person, she is very cute (if not off putting-ly small). I think I choose to marry her cause she seems like the least crazy of these three. I’m a fan of sane women and , in a case where all three are very fuckable, sometimes the small details prevail.
Fuck: Rosie Perez
rosie is the least attractive (in the face) of the three women here. But, if you ask any dude who grew up in NY in the 90’s and she has a very special place in our hearts. She was the quintessential puerto rican girl for all dorky white dudes. She was loud, intimidating and way sexier than any of us could imagine to handle as a teenager. She also reminded me of girls from my high school that I always longed for that would audibly guffaw at the idea ever letting my penis anywhere near them. So, for these reasons, I’m taking “White man can’t jump” era Rosie to bed. I’d still be a little intimidated though.
This is a case of sexiness going a long way. And she scared the sperm out of me when I was a teen.
Kill: Lisa Bonet
This pains me to do cause she has one of my all time favorite faces. She’s almost so pretty that it makes me uncomfortable. But the thing about Bonet is that, while she was stunningly beautiful, she never was that sexy to me. She kinda had a boys body and, worse of all, she seemed like a hippie. I can’t play that hippie shit for long periods of time so marriage would be out. At least in this situation.
Kill style: So, i’m afraid i’d have to kill “Angel heart” era Lisa bonet the way only “Angel heart” era lisa bonet would want to go…Voodoo.
F/M/K:sketch comedy shows:
Monty Python’s Flying Circus/Saturday Night Live/Mad TV
Kill: Mad TV
I mean, is it even a question? Mad TV is “In Living Color” for midwesterners. They had a few decent cast members over the years but the eye rolls always out weighed the laughs, in my opinion. Still, it was way better than that horrible ass “Lyricist Lounge show” that MTV used to run. Regardless, I’d kill Mad TV with the quickness.
Kill style: I’d probably just turn off the tv (or change the channel).
Listen, this is just what I came up watching. It’s been around as long as I can remember and , even when it’s been through rough patches, I’ve always found something good about it. In a way, it is very much like how I imagine a wife being like. It’s not perfect but you accept it faults as, ultimately , it’s a good thing that you can rely on. Sure, this wife may have whole seasons of shitty one notes jokes but what about the will ferrel years? Or Phil hartman? Those two examples alone would make me never question my vows.
Fuck: Monty Python’s Flying Circus
As I’m not a total nerd, I don’t out and out love Monty Python. While I realize they’re groundbreaking and often have been hilarious, it’s both a hair before my time and a little too british for my taste. That said, they’ve done plenty of amazing shit that I do ,in fact , like. So, I’d fuck’em. Once…or twice. I wouldn’t want to live a life with them but the occasional drop in would always be received with open arms.
F/M/K:Angela Lansbury, Kathy Bates, Sara Gilbert
I hate whoever sent me this one.
Kill: Kathy Bates
This was no easy choice. In a pool of obvious kills, who is the most deserving? Well, maybe “deserving” isn’t the right word. “Who’s the grossest?” might be a better way to look at is. And , well, bates is the grossest. unlike landsbury, she was never hot. And unlike gilbert, she’s like 70 years old. So, I’m afraid I’d have to put her out of her MISERY. Get it? Hiyoooooooooooooo!!!!!
Kill style: I’d kidnap her, tie her to a bed and make her write a book for me. Then I’d make her eat that book. This wouldn’t kill her but I’d make that her only food so she’d eventually starve to death.
Fuck: Sara Gilbert
Listen, I don’t wanna be there any more than she does. We can both close our eyes and pretend to be fucking hotter women. But, she’s the youngest of the group by far and , therefore, the most eligible to me. Sure, she looks like the puppet Madam crossed with a softball catcher but, whatever…give me shit choices and I’m forced to make shit decisions.
Marry: Angela Lansbury
See what I did there? ^^^^^^
Why marry her? Cause she’s the oldest and would die the quickest. Yup. That’s fucked up, right? I have no other reason beyond that. It might be a plus that her vagina has probably been dormant since the 60’s so that would be off the table. Maybe she’s good at baking? I feel like most 80 year olds can bake some shit half decently. Man, I hope she can bake…
F/M/K:Topanga, Blossom, Kimmie Gibbler
I don’t really wanna fuck her at all but these options leave me no choice. Kimmie Gibbler was MAD annoying but maybe putting a penis in her would calm her down. Like, you know how weed works for hyper active people and makes them almost normal? Maybe a fucking would do that for Kimmie Gibbler. I can only hope it would.
The no-brainer of no-brainers. Topanga was where I think my generation got its appreciation for thick girls. She was a pretty faced jewess with an unconventional full body (for a tv show about white kids at least) that bordered on “Too thick” but was just enough on the right side of things to make every 14 year old boy go nuts. Also, she dated the boy meets world herb (on the show at least) so you know her standards are all sorts of low. Wait, did she date him? I don’t remember. Who cares.
Blossom’s existence as a show always baffled me. She was a busted, uninteresting and a fairly annoying 15 year old girl. I guess there was a “She’s every teenaged girl” vibe there but still, she sucked. I wanted to kill blossom before I even played this game so it’s fitting that i get the hypothetical chance now.
Kill style: Buried alive in floral patterned fisherman’s hats.
F/M/K: Sarah Palin/Anne Romney/Kim Kardashian
Fuck: Sarah Palin
Hey, she’s an attractive older woman and she someone I loath. Why would I not want to hate fuck her? As much as killing her might be the just thing to do, I just can’t bring myself to fuck Anne Romney. She’s mormon. Don’t they fuck with underwear on or some shit? Weird. I also have a feeling that Palin is actually a fun hoe in the bedroom. After all, she fucked former NBA player Glen Rice. How lame could she be?
Marry: Kim Kardashian
This would be a quick marriage. She’s a truly awful person. Like so bad that her breath stinks from her soul rejecting her personality. That said, regardless of what you (IE: Every girl alive) might think, she’s still pretty hot. She’s fake and wears way too much make up but compared to the other two options, she’s mrs. fucking universe. So, the plan here would be to marry her, have as much sex with her as i can until the inevitable blow up and divorce. Not to mention, I feel like there would be lots of money in it for me. Tv shows, a book deal…It might be a good look.
Kill: Anne Romney
I got nothing against this woman except that she’s married to a piece of shit. It’s par for the course when it comes to politicians wives. But I don’t want to fuck her and i don’t want to marry her…So that leaves me with one alternative. I’d definitely wait till after the election though cause I feel like a widower might win on some pity vote shit.
Kill style: I’d make her watch Christopher Hitchens youtube clips discussing religion until she took her own life out of sheer frustration.