Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 18

Good day. Have a seat on my couch. Tell me all about your shitty relationship. That’s what I’m here for.
Yes, this is where I answer questions about topics of the heart (and genitals) that were sent in by you, the readers. If you have more questions, send me them at or leave them in the comments below.
As always, I’m not a trained or licensed anything…I’m just honest and will tell you as I see it. So, take it all with a grain of salt…but also now that I’m right about 75% of the time. I assure , that’s a better % than any of your stupid ass friends.

Hey blockhead me and this girl started dating about a year and a half ago. 6 months in we left for college but stayed together. a few months in we started fighting a lot mostly over me getting mad over her going out all the time not telling me who shes with blah blah blah. after about another six months of this constantly she broke up with me. 2 weeks later i fucked another girl then the girl that broke up with me ended up hitting me up and we hung out. i fucked her too. then the next day i told both girls about each other because of the guilt or whatever. after about a week of my ex girlfriend hating me she forgave me and we got kinda back together. she’s back at school now and i dropped out so im an hour and a half away from her. i have the same issues now with her going out and stuff but i don’t want to ruin it again. she sees nothing wrong with what she does because she legitimately says theyre only friends even though shes friends with mostly just guys. shes never actually done anything to make me not trust her except for a text or two from a random guy at her school asking to go to a party. she says she hasnt even kissed someone else even when we broke up. so do you think i’m being ridiculous? or do you think this is just a waste of time that will never work out?
also she doesnt give me shit or fight with me for anything i do, we never fought before school, she gives great head and we smoke a lot of weed together. I really love this girl but idk if these problems are solvable. she also doesnt want to be boyfriend and girlfriend right now because of all the problems it caused but she still talks to me everyday says she loves me and that shell stay loyal. what do you think i should do?

Hey, you know that saying, right? “couples who smoke weed and give head to each other, stay together.”

I got a few problems with this. First off , you don’t trust her for shit. I mean, damn dude…you’re seriously being that quintessential jealous boyfriend. I don’t know why you’re like that but it’s not a good way to be. Now, if she’s given you reason to feel unsure about how she acts when she goes out, then that’s one thing but if you’re just being an insecure pussy cause she has male friends, then get over it. Sure, these dudes probably want to fuck her. That’s how life works. But it really comes down to if she’s the type of girl who would fuck them. Now, considering she smokes weed and gives great head, I have my reservations. She’s also in college. College is when girls are free for the first time in their lives. This often means, they slut out a little bit. So, it’s possible she’s doing what college girls do. Unfortunately, most people aren’t as honest as you and , if she were to hook up with other dudes, she’ll probably take that to grave with her.
I dunno man. I believe this girl cares about you but I also think that a relationship that lacks trust will never work. It might result in great sex but it’s long term shelf life is never good. Especially considering she got back with you after you fucked some other girl. Even though you were single at the time, I gotta think that still pops in her head. So, I think you should cut it loose simple because you’re both young , you’re 1.5 hours apart and you don’t trust her. I honestly don’t understand why anyone under the age of 25 even considers serious relationships in the first place but I suppose hindsight is 20/20.

so…it’s 4am, and i’ve been tossing and turning in my bed thinking about this girl for a few hours! sucks. i even hung out w/ a bunch of sexy girls earlier this evening that were willing to come home with me…. yet here i am, alone, thinking about this one.

so this girl i’m talking about moved into my house last week. she’s a mutual friend among friends. i knew she was looking for a place to crash for a few months, because she’s moving to europe in january…..she was kinda like a vagabond during this time, just staying wherever she can….so she inquires about moving in for a few months and i say OK. she’s a cute lil thing, but i never really had intentions of making any moves before she moved in. we’re kinda like homies…buuuuuut if the opportunity ever arose i’d totally smash that.

the first night she crashes over she sleeps in my bed. we don’t do anything but spoon each other to sleep, but that’s still a boundary we’ve never crossed w/ each other. in my hormone driven mind i’m thinkin “alright, this might be interesting over time”…i guess i should also note that my homie knocked her up a month or 2 ago and she lost the baby and before that she got out of like a 7 year relationship, sooo i’m not really just trying to dick her down right away. i figure i’ve got 6 months, why rush it?

so she continues to sleep in my bed for a couple more nights (no sex), but she stays out a couple nights and…..i ended up MISSING HER….fuck. so much for no attachment. now it’s at the point where i think about her 24/7. she stresses the fact frequently that she’s single, but she hangs out w/ this dude a lot. they were hookin up before she moved in w/ me..i’m pretty sure he kicks her down $$$ and drugs.

problem: i like her a lot. pretty sure she likes me too, but since she lives with me i think we might both be a little apprehensive to make anything happen (and we’re both hella awkward individuals). earlier this evening when i was w/ those sexy girls, she was there with her sugar daddy. she’s with him now. that’s why i’ve been so restless.

oh yeah, and she’s got the herp…i know that should be a deal breaker right there, but i’m willing to work around that :/

i need to do something before this gets even more out of hand! what would you suggest the best c.o.a is???

You’re use of “Sexy girls” gives me douche chills. Who are you? Borat? Just saying…
As for this girl, there are so many signs in this that scream “Do NOT ENTER”.
1)She just got out of a 7 year relationship
2)She recently had a miscarriage and , thus, might be going through some emotional issues right now that a good fucking won’t help.
3)She’s seeing a guy who gives her money and drugs.
4)She’s got the herp

Maybe I’m a prude but those four things are just enough for me to step away from a situation. And you seem to not be hard up , considering all the “sexy ladies” you see so ,perhaps, following your heart on this one isn’t the best idea. At least not now. If you legit like this girl and want any sort of future with her, now is not the time to move forward. Let her get her bearings cause she sounds like a fucking mess right now.
However, if you’re just trying to hit it and you don’t care about the long term, I’m pretty sure she’s open for business. Granted, you’d kinda be taking advantage of some damaged goods but, hey, that never stopped every dude who’s ever taken a black out drunk girl home from a bar. Just know though, she’s very likely going to be in a much different place in a year. For better or for worse. The only thing that will remain for sure? THE HERP.

Alright, Block. I recently met this girl from class this semester and also learned that we work at the same office at school. So over the first few weeks, we’ve seen and spoken to each other plenty of times already. She’s pretty cool- we seem to chill the same way, which is to smoke mad weed and watch bad movies all day. She seems pretty smart, has a similar sense of humor. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in seeing this girl.

Anyway, she invited me to a party in Brookyn (with mad frail white dudes) this past Saturday, and I decided to go. When I got there, she seemed to be a little flirty with me–a little more playful. I took this for a decent sign, but when I came back to the dance floor a while later, I see this girl grinding on some other dude and the two kiss. So I’m kinda stunned by this for a moment and go get myself another drink. A while later, I rush out the party to get a cigarette at the store and clear my head. As I do that, the same girl’s outside talking to that same dude and I guess she spotted me. I get back to the party and this girl gives me all her attention, wondering where I went. She leans right on me and I grip her by the waist side and kind of feel up on her for a bit. She tells me the dude kissing her was her “boyfriend but not really.” I’m still kind of stunned by all this. I mean, I’m not opposed to an open relationship or a fuck buddy or whatever, but I didn’t think this was her style. At the very least, she should’ve said something about her boyfriend being here. But I don’t bring it up at the time and just maintain the vibe cause the shit feels cool. I think I rationalized by telling myself at least I’m the other dude and not the faulty boyfriend.

She ends up dancing with her boyfriend again for a bit and then the party gets crashed by the police. I think her boyfriend said he had to drive some friends back home and basically leaves her at the party. I end up walking with her to the subway, and we make out and touch for a while before splitting ways.

I get back by 3 am and around five in the morning, she texts me, saying “I’m glad you came!” I kinda didn’t wanna text at the time and end up just going to bed. Anyway, I check my phone around two in the afternoon and by then she sent a text saying “OMG I was so drunk yesterday.” So I tell her she was just fine that night and that I had a good time, and then she says she doesn’t remember much, which I can’t totally buy. She had no questions about the party and even remembered some details about the trip back home, but apparently forgot that we made out. So in a very bad turn of events (fueled by her and my own confusion about the night before), we have a painful text conversation where I recount what happened and admit to her that I was uncomfortable about her having her boyfriend at the same party without me knowing. She apologizes and tells me she’d just like to be friends, and I explain that I’m okay with her situation with her boyfriend and would be fine continuing things as when we last saw each other (which I consider friendly too but could possibly lead to some fucking). We basically end at expressing those two things.

So what should I make of this? Do I still have a chance of maybe keeping this girl around as someone to chill and fuck with? What are the ways that I should even go about that? Am I sleazy for still considering this girl at all? And are texts in the morning that important? I can’t help but think this all would’ve been different if I got back to her at five in the morning.

Thanks and sorry for the novel, btw!

Nothing makes me happier than when people who ask questions get all 50 shades of grey up in this bitch and start recounting sexual details. Soooooooo good.

Anyway, This seems like one of those situations that could linger.
My read on it is that this girl is A LITTLE into you. Not so much she wants to date you or even have sex with you…but enough that, when she’s drunk, she will sometimes make out with you. This can be frustrating cause it leads to bi-monthly drunk make out sessions that keep you think it’s something that it’s not. Meanwhile, she’s just acting on urges and nothing more. If I were you, I wouldn’t invest much time in this but also don’t turn it down when it’s offered. The worst thing you can do is waste your time , waiting for that “moment” every time you guys hang out , only to be disappointed 90% of the time. I had a situation like this when I was in high school. I was obsessed with this and we’d hang out as friends. but , in my head, EVERY TIME we hung out, I thought “maybe today is the day”. It never was. That’s partially cause I was an unprecedented pussy but still…it was a waste of time.

As for the more factual aspect of all this, she’s full of shit. she’s totally remembers making out with you and she just doesn’t wanna get into it. I have a feeling she has stronger feelings for her “sort of boyfriend” but you make a good stand by dude. If they break up, MAYBE she’s let you in. But, trust me, being that stand by guy is some bullshit. Avoid it if you can.

Ah, asking people over the internet for relationsip advice. What a pivitol moment in my life.

I didn’t date much in highschool but have dated my college boyfriend for four years and now we are currently “on a break”. Man, I can’t say that without thinking of Ross and Rachel, haha. Anyway, I guess you could say he is my first love and that would be the big factor in why I can’t seem to really break things off from him. I get a lot of “no relationship is perfect”, “your first love is always the best”, and “wouldn’t it be so cute to marry your first serious relationship?”. The feedback certainly makes me think.

Basically, I didn’t feel particularly connected to him anymore and was tired of his annoying crap. Maybe that’s selfish, but let me explain: The first three years of our relationship he excessively lied to me about going out and getting drunk with his friends and these chicks that hung around them. He lied about it literally every week because he knew I didn’t really like his friends. Really, I just didn’t like that he had to lie about being with them and did it so stupidly that I always caught him. For the past year the lying has stopped but then he just frustrated me in other ways. He finished college but said he wasn’t ready for a real job so continues to work at Costco and live at home with his mom. Costco is apparently so stressful that I wasn’t aloud to really talk to him for several hours after work and if he did work that would rule out all possibility to leave his mom’s house for the evening. I had my own apartment and offered him to live with me but he declined. I asked him to visit but he insisted I come to his mother’s house instead. His mom hates me. I decided to continue my education at a school an hour away and he said it was too long distance and threw a fit. He’s pretty codependant and often tries to dictate what I do, who I’m friends with, etc so it doesn’t interfere with me spending time with him. I had enough and insisted we spend some time apart. It’s nice being able to focus on myself for once and, if it’s not obvious, I’m a little bitter about all that’s happened.

We haven’t seen eachother in three months. I’ve honestly avoided seeing him again because I know it’ll be awkward and he’ll cry. I asked for complete space but he freaked the fuck out and still texts me everyday. I text back to avoid him calling me 15 times in a row until I talk to him. Sometimes I miss him/still think of him. He was a significant part of my life for quite some time. Since I started the break he has been much nicer, more respecful, almost annoyingly perfect in hopes of winning me back. He is truly going above and beyond to profess his love to me and I have to give him props for staying dedicated to me for months after I checked out. I’m not so sure any other guy would be that crazy about me. I also have insecurity in myself, afraid I’ll never find someone again.

Sorry for this novel but to wrap up this long story… Should I give him another chance? Clearly he loves me and is my first love (if that counts for anything). Also, I admit if I saw him with another girl my heart would break a tiny bit. Or, how do I finally cut the cord and move on with my life?

Man, I feel like a real negative nancy over here with all these answers but, i suppose that’s the nature of this…

Listen, this relationship has run it course. While he is your first love and there will always be a part of you that thinks about him, I’d say he’s past the point of fixing. He’s being all nice right now but I’d bet my life , within a month of getting back together, he’d be back to his regular self and you’d be miserable.
The thing about the term “first love” is that it kinda hints at more loves to follow. We all go through it. it sucks. You’re a mess for a bit but you move on and eventually find someone who doesn’t work at costco and live with his mother , who hates you. Question: Does he smoke weed and give good head?
Just kidding.
But, seriously, you need to be strong and stick to your guns. You made the right move by trying to remove him from you life now you gotta hold your ground. He’s gonna do anything to change this cause, well, he works at costco and lives with his mom. A man is typically only as great as his options are. It sounds like you’re going upward while he’s middling. It should no longer be your problem. Just suck it up and keep it moving. I guarantee you will find an upgrade in your lifetime.

26 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 18

  1. I have this friend i have been talking to for 7 months both on here and the phone, but here in the past 2 months she doesnt call like she used to. she told me the other day that i have the type of personality she is looking for and wants, and that we have alot in common. But so far for the past week or two, she has been seeing this guy, who she said she kinda likes, she said he isnt for her tho, and that he isnt her type, and that she wishes he had certain things in common with him that she does with me. she said he is conceited and kinda too manly for his own good…like and asshole and a nice guy at the same time and that her and i could have alot of fun together, and she feels that i would never hurt her, and that i want a family and im respobsible and not on drugs (shes right ). anyway……. i feel bad about this, because i want to be her friend still..but i feel like this isnt good…….i really like her alot, and i send her stuff all the time..(well as much as i can anyways), but anyways besides that……what do you think? she is 28 and im 39.(which i know should send a red flag right there)….she doesnt really ever seem to lie to me about anything (i guess ,even as stupid as that sounds), but i just dont know anymore. she said she still plans to come here and meet and hang out and see what happens between us, but that it will have to wait till she gets her school check and car in order……….. i would go out and about around here, but 10 years of living here..and the relations i have had……none of the girls around here dig me any longer than a few months till they used me up or some shit.. lol……………….i would love to think that me waiting on her is a good thing, but im just not sure….oh and we never met before lol..just here and the phone…but like i said she wants to come here……should i continue to believe that and be her friend and let her go out and get screwed haha…..or just stop all together? i know this sounds stupid and im old enough to know better from my past….but still it eats at me…….

  2. yo blockhead, i got one for you. so i recently got out of this relationship with this girl that i was really dependant on. like, i would literally text her everything from going to the store for a pack of reds to taking a dump. pretty strange no? anyway, it ended up badly cuz i guess i was too dependant and she decided she wanted her space. forever. so i dont now what to do anymore, and ive ended up going out everyday getting drunk. ive been mising a lot of my college classes and i think im going to drop out because of grades. however, i met this other girl recently(she speaks french, isnt that awesome?) and well, in a spawn of a couple days of knowing each other, she gave me gifts and i talk to her a lot. however, sometimes i see her talking with some other guy and (i know it sounds stalkerlike) i would deliberately pass her to see if she looks up like i would with her. question is, what should i do? im still hurt over the other girl and now i have feelings for this new girl. problem is, i dont know if this girl likes me enough to go out with me because shes interested one day, but ignores me the next.

  3. Dear Dr. Tony, I was literally born yesterday, and this kindly female in my Women’s Studies class who makes a living hustling three-card monte and selling bootleg CDs offered to give me a peck on the cheek in return for all of my worldly possessions. I’m almost positive that this is an eternal love connection, but there are times that I am doubtful, like the time we were out to dinner and she excused herself to go to the restroom…half an hour later I step outside to look for her and see she’s getting gang-banged by a bunch of bikers in an alley next to the restaurant. I politely asked her what was going on, and she said she was just catching up with old friends. Or that other time she introduced me to her parole officer as her “mark” (my name is Percival, btw, not Mark). Sometimes we talk about the future, and she likes to joke around and say, “sure I’ll hang around with ya kid, if I don’t fuckin’ kill ya first.” So my question to you is whether or not you think this is the best relationship or the greatest relationship of all time? Also is it normal for your penis to turn a green hue after sexual relations and/or intercourse? Thanks for reading!

  4. oh MANNNNNNNN….. that “gives good head and smokes a lot of weed” shit had me fucking DYING…..

    The fucking hilarious part is there is a part of me that can see where dude is coming from (as far as that being redeeming characteristics in a girl), but considering the seriousness of that guy’s entire post that shit had me dead on some Kid Mero mega lolz shit.

  5. Hey Dr. T,
    This is going to take a while to explain but I feel like I could use your sage advice. Anyway, here it goes.
    I dated this girl since my last year in high school. We got along great, she made me really happy and she was caring, non-judging, non-jealous, pretty much perfect girlfriend. We were head over heels for each other. Then we go to college, she goes off to the east-coast (ivy league) and I go to a CC and plan on transferring (not necessarily to a school near her just to a good school for my major). Needless to say, things got rocky. We would argue and fight over the dumbest shit and we both knew it was all insignificant stuff and would always make up afterward. After about a year of this we both feel worn out. On one of her breaks she comes to visit and we decide it would be best to “take a break.”
    We end up hooking up the same night and stay friends with benefits. so basically nothing changes except we don’t have labels and there’s the possibility of either of us hooking up with another person. Both of us are kind of awkward about even getting to that point with someone else so this doesn’t ever really become a problem. Everything is fine for a while when I really start to regret being on this “break”. She hinted at getting back together but I always dismissed it because I didn’t want to have the distance push us further apart like it had done in the begining. I realize I’m in love with her and finally decide to tell her when she’s home on her next break (this is during her last year of school btw). When she comes home I’m all excited but she won’t even let me kiss her. she tells me she met this guy who she says she’s kinda interested in but nothing serious and that she doesn’t see anything coming from it except most likely sex and that he’ll be in another part of the country by the time school ends.
    I tell her how I feel about her and that we should get back together but she says it’s not a good idea and gives me a flat out, “no.” She says the only way it might work out is if I give her some time (i.e. after she’s fucked this dude and comes home after this internship thing she’s doing). She says she trusts me with her life and that she’s still loyal to me (idk wtf thats supposed to mean since she’s obviously planning on boning this dude). So of course I’m heartbroken. I tell her to quite literally fuck off and I haven’t said a word to her since (its been a few months).
    I was with her for about 5 years and we were each other’s best friend and supported each other through A LOT of shit. In many ways she was the only real friend I had.
    So now I’m wondering do I just move on? Should i even try to pick up the pieces? I feel like a divorcee. I’ve been trying to talk to other girls but halfway into a conversation with them, I don’t really give a fuck what happens with them, I just want a love like the relationship I had with my ex and I know some random chick that wants to fuck is definitely not going to fill that void.

  6. Hahaha The Herp!!!!! That last letter writer should know her man is a psychopath and she should stay away from him. Really bad news.

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