Hello everyone. I thought being on the road in europe was gonna make updating this blog an issue but it turns out when I’m jet lagged and sleeping 2 hours a night, I have all the time in the world to write stuff. So, that’s kinda good news…kinda.
So, this week, I’m bringing back every assholes favorite column. The one where I hypothetically wed, make love or murder an assortment of people who probably wouldn’t piss on me if i was on fire, but they might do it if I got stung by a jellyfish. You never know. I’m cool with that. Let’s get into it.
F/M/K: Michelle Williams, Emma Watson, or Felicity.
Fuck: Emma Watson
This was tough for me cause, to be honest, I don’t really give a shit about Emma Watson. I know mad dudes out there consider her to be one of the hotter girls but I’m not a Harry Potter watching pedophile and I don’t like girls with underbites. That said, she’s obviously not unattractive and I feel as if she’s in some sort of slutty personal awakening right now. What better time than that to put your penis in a girl?
Marry: Michelle Williams
I actually met her very briefly at a new years party like a decade ago. I had no idea who she was beyond “the adorable girl who dressed like Anne frank”. So, having seen her in person, I can attest to her being pretty fucking cute. Little known fact for all you “big picture” type guys: Cute has longevity. Hot is great but most hot girls eventually hit a wall and that former hotness turns. Just look at Pamela Anderson or every real housewife ever. Cute lasts. and for that reason, I’d wife up Williams cause she’s gonna be cute well into her 40’s. Oh, she was pretty nice when I met her too, considering she was briefly talking to a drunk asshole in huge baggy pants , holding a 40.
This one got me on a technicality. Had this person wrote “Keri Russell” I’d be lamenting about how I’d kill Emma Watson. But, no, they said Felicity. The sexless teenager with a white lady afro. While the current Keri Russell is actually pretty hot (She lives/lived in my hood and I’ve seen her around) the young Felicity was simply not quite there yet. So, for that, she will have to die. I’m sorry…but , clearly,whoever picked these options is to blame.
F/M/K:frida the artist, jennifer anistan and blossum
Marry: Jennifer Aniston
Sure, it’s comical to even consider someone marrying her but, hey, somebodies gotta do it. Considering the the options, it’s not exactly a tough choice. Now, I assume she must be awful in real life. Anytime a successful , attractive leading woman can’t keep a man to save her life, I usually just assume they’re pieces of shit (More on that theory here). In this case, I’ll roll the dice. Say what you will about Aniston but she’s pretty much got one of the best post 40 year old bodies ever (I mean, have you seen her in a bikini in “just go with it”? Holy shit…). Basically, I’m picking her cause she’s the only choice here I’d actually want to have sex with…Sue me.
Ughh…This is 100% dependent on her being some sort of freak. While I’d like to say it’s Salma Hayek playing her, that’s not the case. This is the real Frida Kahlo. Mono-brow , 8th grade mexican boy moustache and all. Shit, just looking at that brow , I can’t help but imagine her vagina looks like a busy barber shop floor in little Armenia. But, like I said, I’m assuming she’s into some fun type of kinky stuff so at least it would be an experience. If possible, I’d definitely try and get her waxed prior to the love making.
She’s what we in the business call “Tragically jewy” (it’s okay, I’m part jew, I can say that). I was always baffled by her being cast as the lead on anything that wasn’t a before picture for plastic surgery. If i were nicer, I’d say she was a handsome woman. but I’m not…and if she was a man , she’d like like David duchovny’s slow brother.
So, yes, she’s a definite kill. Six, on the other hand, could probably still get it.
F/M/K Breaking bad edition: Krysten Ritter (Jane) Anna Gun (Skyler) Betsy Brandt (Marie)
I don’t think there’s a man alive who wouldn’t jump on this opportunity. I can’t recall a character more hated by men specifically in recent history. Is it just men? Do women hate her too? i mean, shit, I empathize with her situation but , man, she’s is just so unlikable. I don’t even know what it is…her face? It’s probably her face. Whatever it is, it’s a death sentence.
This was tough…do I go with the loyal yet kind of annoying wife or the totally hot junkie? I’d like to think I’d be cool enough to pick the junkie but I’m a fairly practical person. I’ve been around enough junkies to know that I don’t want to be around them much. Marie is nice enough and seems to have a good heart. Again, I find her fairly annoying too but it better that then cleaning vomit up all the time and dealing with a wife that might die at any given moment.
Like I said, she’s hot. In fact, she’s very hot. The junkie thing is certainly a no-no for long term but a night with her would be okay. I’d just try and pick a night where her high was even so she wouldn’t be a total mess. And when we were done, i’d do the gentlemanly thing and role her over so she wouldn’t choke to death on her vomit while she sleeps. Any good guy would do that.
F/M/K: Shitty music fans edition: juggalos/parrot heads/Beliebers
Kill: Parrot heads
For those of you under 40, this is referring to fans of Jimmy buffet. He makes music for old people who sip mai tai’s in bermuda shorts at a hedonism resort. There is nothing relatable to me about his music or the people who enjoy it..not even on a comical “haha, look at these losers” kinda way. So, i’mma kill them. Kill’em dead. Leaving a trail of bloody hawaiian shirts and broken drink umbrellas in my wake.
Cause, seriously, fuck them.
Nah, I’m not even mad at them. In fact, I find them highly entertaining. Granted, I wouldn’t want to be in a room with more than one at a time but at least there is some distant , very very abstract connection I share with them. They like “rap”. Sure, their ideal rap involves face paint and no rhythm but still, it’s at least on the same spectrum. I realize this is like saying “hey, they like pizza and I like pizza” but it’s all i got here. I still dislike parrot heads more so I guess I’m fucking juggalos.
This is an abstract one. First off, I’m pretty sure , as a whole, they’re too young to have sex with. So, part of this would be waiting for them to be legal. I just wanna clarify that.
The reason I choose them to marry is cause I know that being a fan of Justin Beiber is not a life long thing. It’s a phase. A phase young girls go through when they haven’t figured out their vaginas yet. So, with this in mind, knowing that their love of that little canadian whigger will one day pass, I can live with the idea of tolerating it until it does finally dissipate. In fact, i can even say that many of these ladies will turn out to be okay. Hell, I know plenty of cool girls who loved the New kids on the block or N-synch. All those types of artists are abut a time and a place. I can accept that. So, put a ring on it…in about 7 years.