Song of the day 9/14/12


Dreamer By Marq Spekt and Gary Wilson
http://www.divshare.com/download/19559028-0bc

Here’s a new song from Marq Spekt of his upcoming “Broken Mazes” ep. This is a special project Spekt has put together with Jazz Fusion/experimental artist Gary Wilson. For those who don’t know, Wilson isn’t some new jack jazzmatazz bullshit. Although he only put out a few things back in the day ,he’s the real deal.
I’ve heard the entire project and it’s pretty fucking awesome. It’s rare that you get an MC of this caliber and a musician of this caliber together. Get excited. So, here’s a first taste of what’s coming soon.

Behold my childhood art Vol. 3

It’s time once again where I let you into the mind of the weird little kid that was once me. These drawings ,and all the volumes prior, we done by me between the ages of 8 and 10. As you will see, I was not exactly a prodigy when it came to drawing but I was a huge fan of Garbage Pail kids.


“Ann Tek” (pronounced “Antique”)

First off, for a lady, Ann is missing some serious curves. But that might have to do with all that partying she does. I mean, come on! she literally has got a lampshade on her head. She must go hard in the paint. It’s funny cause it kinda looks like Darth Vadar out of his outfit but with his helmet still on, looking behind himself.


“Harry”
Simple. Effective. Why waste time on two word puns when you can just drop a one word banger. While he may look like the peanuts character Pigpen, he’s actually just a walking muff , before I probably knew what a muff was.


“Hippie Harry”

Look at this piece of shit. No shoes, no shirt, no problem. He’s smoking a big old joints and is seemingly being circled by flies. Why? Cause hippies stink. Even I knew that back then. They apparently also all wear headbands. I’m curious what I based this portrayal on but , you know, sometimes you just know what you’re talking about without really knowing what you’re talking about. Even as a child.


“Tourist Ted”

Living in NY, you become acutely aware of people called “tourists”. Those out of towners who come to times square and eat at Ruby Tuesdays for a week. Back then, I don’t think my grasp on this concept was as refined as it is now. Judging from this drawing, I thought tourists all wore two watches, they were glasses wearing nerds, they had shorts on (I can only assume that’s what I was trying to get across) and they strived to not be considered tourists. Now, that last one might be kinda true in a deeper sense of the people who move here from other places and attempt to just fit in like they’ve been here forever. Good call, 8 year old me.


“Disinagrat dan” AKA Disintegrate Dan

This might be my favorite of the batch. How fucked up is Dan? All that’s left is a torso and half a head. I’d like to think this was inspired by that scene in “Robocop” once where the toxic waste dumps on that dude and then he liquifies once a car hits him. Or, maybe I was just in science class that day and learned what disintegrate meant. Regardless, I feel like there’s a movie in there somewhere. The man who’s body just keeps disintegrating. Kinda like Benjamin Buttons but way more disgusting. All you movie executives out there, you can have that one for free. You’re welcome.

And, to finish this all off , here’s a weird drawing I did of all characters from Sesame Street , if they were in a disgusting , drug abusing rock band. No clue what spawned this one but ,whatever it was, it was epic enough to inspire a two page fold out. So, pardon the lack of continuity. You’re just going to have to imagine what they would look like if they were taped together.

It’s a pretty awesome insight into my idea of what rock bands did. They all smoked, they all frowned and Grover was suicidal.

Demo reviews vol. 7


Hello again.
Well, here we are. Back to review more demos that you sent me.
As always, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am but one man with my own opinions. I mean no harm. In fact, I wont you to get better…But sometimes you must destroy something to rebuild it.
The reviews are based on a write up then a rating scale on three very particular elements:
Originality: Obviously rating how much this differs from other music out there in a positive way. I’ll be shocked if anyone gets above a 5 out of 10 as this is a pretty tough category.
Listenability: Rating how hard/easy it was to sit through. This could go a few ways as I often find humor in music that’s extra bad so, it’s not always a compliment.
Production technique: Rating how well crafted the song was. Was it “professional”. How was it recorded and mixed.
Honestly, don’t get too caught up on the point system. It’s the nitpick-ish part of the review. The write up is where the real truths come out.
So, with that said, let’s get into it…

Artist: Beaker
Song: Cosmic sound (feat. UFO)

http://beaknasty.bandcamp.com/track/cosmic-bounce-feat-ufo

This was a pretty interesting reworking of a very familiar song (“Apache”).

I’m actually impressed when anyone can take something so engrained in our heads and turn it it to something else. So props for that.
I’m not quite sure what’s going on with the vocals though. At first I thought it was just a sample and then the guy starts rapping but it’s mixed so low I couldn’t tell if it was just this producer using someone else’s acapella or it was an actual person he worked with. Regardless, it SOUNDED promising but it’s hard to tell cause you can barely make out a single word he says.
Other than that, this is solid. Decent use of “Womps” , considering I detest womps. The drums weren’t great but they weren’t bad either.

Originality:6 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out 10
Production technique:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Dead Horse Beats
Song: Redeemed

http://deadhorsebeats.bandcamp.com/track/redeemed

I don’t know why but this kinda reminded me of music you might har in a tampon commercial. But like “natural” tampons made out of soy and hemp.
This really comes down to preference. This certainly isn’t bad, it’s just not for me. I’m not big on folky guitar riffs as the back bone of a track. The drums are not really my flavor either but I get the feeling this song isn’t really coming from a hip hop background so the drums probably aren’t really trying to anything more than they are.
But, you know, this is fine. I feel like, in order for me to enjoy this, I’d have be sitting by a bubbling brook after a long hike and that’s simply something I will never do.

Originality: 4 out 10
Listenability: 4.5 out of 10
Production technique: 4.5 out of 10

Artist: Hoyt Latte
song: 5 Inches

http://hoytlatte.bandcamp.com/track/5-inches

This was entertaining. Brutally honest and painfully misinformed on human anatomy (Vaginas are like dicks, guys. They’re all different sizes). But I think that’s the point. I don’t often get jokey songs submitted so it kinda hard to rate them. I mean, it’s kinda funny (I’d say the idea of it and the hook is funnier than the actual finished product) but , from a rap perspective, it’s also greatly flawed. The flows are amateur and the voices are as white as fresh snow but it’s a joke song so does that mean it’s okay? I really don’t know. The beat was fine, so that’s a plus. I think when you boil this one down it’s just some dudes having fun so I can’t really knock it.

Originality: 5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Production technique:5 out of 10

Artist: James Vega X Yosef Una
song: i.DN’T.Wnt.2 Feat. Micah Chavez

http://jamesvegamusic.bandcamp.com/track/04-i-dnt-wnt-2-feat-micah-chavez

The first thing that jumps out to me is the beat. It’s pretty dope. Some “Cloud hop” sounding shit. The thing about “cloud hop” is when that kinda stuff works, it usually hits a chord. This works.
I think the rapping is good too but , topically, I’m not typically into songs about love and family. Maybe I’m an asshole? Yeah. I probably am. I woulda liked to peep a different type of song from these dudes but this one is definitely a solid showing.
Just a heads up to people who send me songs in the future: If you’re choosing between sending me your emotional personal song or your banger, always send me the banger.

Originality: 5 out of 10
Listenability:6.5 out of 10
Production technique:7.5 out of 10

Artist: Kave Dwella
song: Myxptlk

http://kavedwella.bandcamp.com/track/myxptlk

Hmm…Well, on one hand this is a dope beat. But on the other hand, that’s all it is. It’s a beat with two parts. That’s it. Throw a rapper on here or something and we’re talking but as a stand alone piece this simply isn’t enough. I like everything about it from a listeners standpoint but this is a demo review, not “check out this unfinished beat I made” review. So, I’d say, either get a rapper to rap on this or add about 5 more parts to it so it can work on it’s own as a song. The foundation is there right now, it just needs to be built more.

Originality:3 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Production technique:5.5 out of 10

Artist:Elronncee
Song: No Te Vayas

http://m.soundcloud.com/elronncee/no-te-vayas

This is like the saddest rave in Barcelona.

I honestly don’t know what to make of this cause it’s well executed (aside from the cheap-ish drum sounds) but it’s nothing I’d ever listen to. I prefer the more ambient parts cause the further it gets into some strange “bullfighters disco” vibe ,the less I wanted to peep it. But, hey, at least it builds and has a direction. I kept waiting for it to break into either “Waiting for the night” by J-lo or “Bailamos” by your dude Enrique Eglesias.
So, umm…yeah. I guess it’s good but I’m really not the right guy to make the call.

Originality:4 out of 10
Listenability: 3.5 out of 10
Production technique:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Nazzy
song: The Winds

http://nazzymusic.com/track/the-winds

This is pretty much Identical to the Kave Dwella track above in that it’s just a beat. It’s a decent beat. The drums are hard and the sampling is well done…but that’s all it is. Again, it needs a rapper or it needs to be greatly expanded on for it to actually be something that resembles a song. But, like I said, it’s solid for what it is…I just wish people wouldn’t send me things that aren’t really songs. This isn’t a beat battle.
Also, there are obvious DJ Premier influences going on here. That’s not exactly a bad thing but I hope Nazzy finds his own sound cause people have been biting Primo since the 90’s.

Originality:3 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Production technique: 5 out of 10

Artist: SmacOne
Song: Shout out

http://smacone.bandcamp.com/album/the-deadly-medley

Well, first off, he used one of my throwaway beats from the 90’s. So, that’s not good. Half of the point of this is reviewing a complete product and when you’re rapping over a beat I made, it kinda defeats the purpose.
So, to review this I’ll just say that the rapper isn’t very good. He’s got the personality but the lyrics and flow don’t really cut it, in my opinion. I’ve certainly heard worse (WAY worse) but still, it just seems like he’s not there yet.
Also, a personal peeve of mine is when hooks just mimic the instrument. Like how this dude just sings over the harmonica and VIOLA, that’s the hook. That shit’s just kinda lazy to me. Granted, I’m sure I’ve done it before but I’d try to avoid that in the future.

Originality: 2 out of 10
Listenability: 3 out of 10
production technique: 2 out of 10 (due to not having your own beat)

Artist: Wangzoom
Song: So cold

http://soundcloud.com/wangzoom/fresh-t-death-so-cold-produced

This is extremely amateur but there is something likable about this. It reminds me of some G-funk shit in a way.
Production wise, the drums are some terrible stock sounds and the instrument sounds aren’t great either but he does as well with those type of sounds as you’re going to. It strikes me as someone who’s just beginning so it’s actually pretty promising. Musically, once he gets a handle on the equipment he’s using and maybe some new sounds, it could all come together nicely.
As far as the rapping goes, it’s fine. It’s not great but it’s not bad either. It’s just kinda there. With the right production it could work but it’s very middle of the road right now.

Originality:4 out of 10
listenability:5.5 out of 10
Production technique: 3 out of 10 (but with a lot of potential)

Artist: Mixmaster McDiffitt
Song: Sunburn

http://soundcloud.com/mixmaster-mcdiffitt/the-blos-sunburn

I’m mixed on this one. I actually think the musical element is pretty awesome. That loop (or whatever it is) is dope but the drums suuuuuuuuuck. I’m not the guy to do it but someone needs to create a “How to make good hip hop drums” class for the internet. It’s too bad though cause, aside from those drums, the beat is tight.
The rapping is solid. I think it’s two guys or maybe even three? I can’t really tell cause it’s mixed kinda low. It reminds me of some Project Blowed run off shit from the late 90’s. It’s well executed rapping that doesn’t really break much new ground.

Originality: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 5 out of 10
Production technique: 3.5 out of 10 (poor mix and shitty drums…too bad cause it would rated much higher otherwise)

What demo did you like the most?

Little note to those who submitted this last time:
I’ve mentioned this before on the blog but I recently had a hard drive issue and, because of that, all sorts of random files got corrupted. Some of those were saved links to your demo’s. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to resend me links (Don’t do that) but I’m just putting the bug in your ear that there’s a small chance that a few of the submissions have been lost. I still have like 40 more to review so don’t jump to any conclusions that your’s may be one of the corrupted files. You’re just gonna have to wait till this batch is done. If you’re got lost, lemme know and I’ll add you to the next round , top priority. Also, don’t lie about it cause I know how may got corrupted and if I get 30 people claiming I didn’t review their shit, I’ll know they are mostly lying.

Trending topics vol 100 AKA THE END


(Oh, whattup Tiger Woods niece, wanna make out? Cool.)
This is it. This is the last one of these we’re doing. I can say, from the bottom of my heart, thank fucking god. Both Alaska and I have been brain farting our opinions on the googling whims of middle america for almost two years now and it can finally be put to rest.
Just to recap the last two years:
Kim kardashian is a piece of shit
Miley Cyrus does things
famous people die
Sports happen
famous people get divorced
Scientists discover things
Obama
America is as dumb as ever

That about covers it…So, without further ado, here is the final installment of “trending topics”
http://www.syffal.com/miley-cyrus-blake-lively?fb_action_ids=10152092330035398&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_ref=.UE9eSsPwr74.like&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210152092330035398%22%3A442286222488302%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210152092330035398%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%7B%2210152092330035398%22%3A%22.UE9eSsPwr74.like%22%7D

Also, fear not , those few of you who might actually miss this weekly article, Alaska and I will be back soon with a whole new program. Stay tuned…the judging and complaining has just begun.

New Illogic & Blockhead Ep! “Preparing for Capture Pt 2” Available now!

What’s up! So, here’s a link to the new ep by Illogic and myself. Did I mention it’s free? Well, it is.
If you like it, there’s a part one that’s also free. Go to illogics bandcamp and download them both
http://illogic.bandcamp.com/album/preparing-for-capture-2
PArt 1:
http://illogic.bandcamp.com/album/preparing-for-capture

Also, here’s an in depth interview with illogic and myself by our friends over at Hardwoodblacktop.com
http://hardwoodblacktop.com/2012/09/10/interview-illogic-blockhead/

Okay? Okay. Go get that shit!

Song of the day 9/7/12


7th Seal by Freestyle Fellowship
http://www.divshare.com/download/19504420-a83

This is one of those songs that I have a clear memory of hearing for the first time. While Freestyle Fellowship and and project blowed were making waves out west, you didn’t really hear about them in NY. We had our underground stuff but this was before the internet was what it is now. So, unless it was handed to you in the form of a cassette, you weren’t hearing shit.
The year was 1991 and I was a sophomore in high school. I remember coming into school and running into my boy Brandon in the hallway. He was a grade below me and , at that point, was the only kid I knew who was more up on new hip hop shit that I was. Granted, I was drawing from a small pool but it was something, at least at my high school, that I knew to be true. Brandon wasn’t a typical 9th grader. He had a baby sitter who had been taking him to the rock steady celebration since he was a little kid. He was a awkwardly short white kid from midtown who had somehow landed himself in the epicenter of NY hip hop at an extremely young age. Brandon also knew people at record labels (which is baffling to think about now as he was literally 14 years old) so he’d always have whatever new shit was coming out before it dropped. He caught wind of my hunger for new hip hop and would often make me little mix tapes of the new shit he had been listening to.
Anyway, on this particular day, I saw him bopping around the hallways with his headphones on (which he ALWAYS had on). I asked him what he was listening to and he said “Some next shit…”. He asked me if I had ever heard of Freestyle Fellowship. I said I didn’t thinks so , though I mad have seen the name in The Source magazine at some point. He was like “It’s pretty out there…I’ll make you a dub.”. The next day, he handed me a blank cassette with no writing on it except for a sticker on the cassette itself that read “F.F.”. Much like Brandon, I always had my walkman with me. I didn’t wanna just listen to it between classes so I waited till i was heading home on the train. I popped it in and this was the first thing I heard:

Whaaaaaaat? Keep in mind, this was 1991. NOTHING sounded like this. From the beat to the rhymes, i couldn’t even fully wrap my head around what I was hearing. This dude was just rapping non stop with a flow like I had never heard before. As I went through the tape, I would learn he was just one of 5 rappers in the group. They all had completely different styles. All styles (with the exception of the more conventional J Sumbi who wasn’t even on another F.F. album afterwards) that I had never heard before. For my 15 year old brain, this was almost too much to consume. I played this tape non-stop, passed if off to any friend who would listen and pretty much worshipped it for the next few months.

This was the first “weird” rap album i had ever loved and it would open the doors for all sorts of shit. That year, Del the funkee homosapian dropped his debut. Souls of mischief followed a few years later. And from there, the left field mind set of hip hop had been embraced. Solesides popped up, Company flow emerged and the rest is history.
I mean, sure, Ultramagnetic had existed already but, for as strange as Kool Keith was, what these guys out west were doing was simply some next level shit. So, here is my all time favorite song from the “To whom it may concern” album. The first Mikah 9 song I ever heard and , in my eyes, his best song ever to this day. Not a diss to the man at all but it’s impact on how I listened to music was huge.
Okay? Nerd out done. Enjoy.

Ask Dr. Tony vol 18


So, when my hard drive recently ate shit I lost a ton of questions you guys had sent me. If you’ve ever sent me an advice related question that I didn’t answer, please resend it. Or, better yet, if you have a new advice related question send it over…email it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I definitely need new ones cause I’m starting from scratch. Help me help you. I’m here to right your romantic ship before you shit the bed. Trust me, it’s for the best.

Now that we got that covered, here’s another batch of wisdom courtesy a man who has a half year of college credits under his belt.

Alright I guess i’ll just get right to it. Basically, I cum too fast. With any girl i’ve ever been with I can’t seem to last very long. The ONLY way i’ve found on how to last longer than say a minute is to let her get on top and ride it out. Whenever i’m the one doing the movements be it missionary or doggystyle I just can’t seem to last long and would need to stop, collect myself, then go again only to have the issue again. I’ve tried thinking about something gross, masterbating before, and even being intoxicated or high. I just don’t know what to do. Do you have this problem and if so what do you do to last long enough for your girl to get off too?

This is not something I’ve ever really had an issue with (I mean, shit happens but it’s never been a reoccurring issue). I do have friends who’ve struggled with this and it sounds like a nightmare. Nothing fucks with a dude’s brain more than dick issues. Seeing as you’ve already tried the “jerk off first” thing, and “think about gross stuff” thing and it’s not effected by being drunk, it’s a tough call. I mean, are you wearing a condom? For me, busting a nut while being drunk and wearing a condom was a task that rivaled climbing a mountain covered in astro glide.
Have you tried just busting that first nut (with the girl, not by yourself) and then reloading for round two? Even if you can’t last THAT much longer the second time, I’m sure the girl would at least appreciate your enthusiasm.
Also, are you young? Sometimes all you need to do to fix a problem like this is just get more experience and mature sexually. If you’re the type who still gets geeked at tits , I’d imagine the whole idea of your penis in a vagina would cause a sensory overload. I think a problem a lot of young dudes have is they are always in a rush. Every part of fucking a girl is like getting to the next achievement. Like “Got the titties out? Check. Fingerbang? Check.” Just go at slower pace. it’ll maybe help you slow down your heart a little so when you finally do put your dork inside her , it’s not like you’re so wound up that all you can think about is busting that nut.
Another idea that might be you buy some of that dick numbing cream they sell at sex shops. I’ve never tried it , as it scares the shit out of me, but i’m sure that works on some level.
If all else fails, you just gotta go with what works. Let the girl ride you until she’s happy, then flip her over and bust your quick nut. At least she will get something out of it.

Alright blockhead theres this chick I’ve had my eye on for months, theres just something about her that has her in my mind alot idk. She works at the Little caesars we always go to I wasn’t even sure if she even still worked there because I was incarcerated for a while but shes still there!! Is it a sign Showing that I should talk to her? But how while I’m ordering a pizza?? Lol

I don’t think her still working her shitty job while you were in jail is a sign of anything except you both need to get out of whatever town you live in. The fact that cute girl anywhere on earth works at a Little Ceasers is pretty amazing in itself.

As far as the right way to approach a girl who works behind a counter, that’s a tough one. You can’t just ask her out…I mean, you can…but you gotta understand that it’s not really fair to force yourself on someone who can’t walk away. She’s trapped behind that counter (most likely in a some sort of paper hat) and you’re leaning in trying to get in her doughy , marinara stained pants. I’d say, you have to build a rapport with her. Flirt lightly. Smile a lot and be friendly. If you feel that she’s responding to this, keep pushing forward slowly. I wouldn’t make any drastic moves, unless you think you might be going back to jail. In which case, time if of the essence.

Hey blockhead. I was reading the most recent f/m/k and you asked people to send you more pleas for relationship advice so im puttong in my 2 cents(know what i mean?) Anyways, its not really about a relationship, but theres this girl that goes to college with me. I seriously love this girl with every fiber of my being. So i manned up and told her(through facebook, i know im a pussy sorry.) And i was f-zoned. But as much as i try to get the idea into my head that we wont be more than friends, i cant. seriously made me cry(as i said, i know im a pussy) my plea is for you to give me some advice on how to get over her. Seriously the first broad i feel this strongly for. Peace.

Teenaged love, don’t, don’t hurt me again… (it’s a slick rick song, look it up)

You are young. For some reason, a good deal of men who are between the ages of 15 and 21 are hopeless romantics. I like to think it’s cause they haven’t been introduced to the dark side yet. It’s ironic though cause, as we get older, I found that a lot of girls wish men were more like that but by that age, it’s too late. We’re grown up and fucked in the head. I say all that just to let you know that this will pass. You had a crush on a girl. It truly sucks when your feeling are unrequited but it’s par for the course. ESPECIALLY when you’re in that fragile “sucker for love” age group. In a short time, you will find another girl to focus on and the cycle will repeat. Perhaps to better results, perhaps not. But just know, that girl you went to college with that didn’t like you back, will not matter in a year or two. Perhaps you’ll get laid a few times and your life motives will change. Perhaps you’ll meet a girl who actually likes you back. It really could go either way but getting over a college crush WILL happen.

The thing about this that scares me is that this is your reaction without any physical contact. Imagine what a blubbering mess you’re gonna be when you get dumped by a girl you love. Hold your head, bro. If this is how it is now, it’s only gonna get crazier when the situation is deeper.

For the time being, cut her off. Not cause you’re a dickhead but because you obviously won’t be able to handle being around her. You might start seeing her with a dude and then completely lose you mind. No reason for that. I know she was you “friend” and all but , let’s be honest, the fact that you feel as strongly as you do towards her and that she isn’t into means this friendship will never be on even ground. And who knows, maybe you’re feigned indifference toward her will make her think twice about you. College girls eat that shit up.

F#ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 15


Hey guys, it’s been a while since I fucked, married or killed. No time better than now. Thanks to all of those who submitted the other day. I sued a few of them here and plan on using more in later editions. Anyway, I’ve bought back the “Kill style” thing, where I explain how I’d kill the people…cause you guys wanted it. You guys are fucked up.
Oh and , as always, this is all jokes. Don’t get mad/offended or whatever. While I am answering as honestly as I can, I don’t actually want to marry or kill any of these people. I do wanna a fuck a few of them though…anyway, on with it.

F/M/K:Lisa bonet, Christina ricci, Rosie perez
Now there are two ways to look at this one. It could be referring to these girls in their prime or referring to them right now. Because it’ll make it harder, I’m opting to to pick from the “prime” years.

Marry: Christina Ricci

She actually lives near me so I see her walking around every now and then. First off, she’s unbelievably tiny. She’s also one of those rare cases where a girl actually has gotten hotter as she’s gotten older. In my mind, she peaked in the “black Snake Moan” era. In person, she is very cute (if not off putting-ly small). I think I choose to marry her cause she seems like the least crazy of these three. I’m a fan of sane women and , in a case where all three are very fuckable, sometimes the small details prevail.

Fuck: Rosie Perez

rosie is the least attractive (in the face) of the three women here. But, if you ask any dude who grew up in NY in the 90’s and she has a very special place in our hearts. She was the quintessential puerto rican girl for all dorky white dudes. She was loud, intimidating and way sexier than any of us could imagine to handle as a teenager. She also reminded me of girls from my high school that I always longed for that would audibly guffaw at the idea ever letting my penis anywhere near them. So, for these reasons, I’m taking “White man can’t jump” era Rosie to bed. I’d still be a little intimidated though.
This is a case of sexiness going a long way. And she scared the sperm out of me when I was a teen.

Kill: Lisa Bonet

This pains me to do cause she has one of my all time favorite faces. She’s almost so pretty that it makes me uncomfortable. But the thing about Bonet is that, while she was stunningly beautiful, she never was that sexy to me. She kinda had a boys body and, worse of all, she seemed like a hippie. I can’t play that hippie shit for long periods of time so marriage would be out. At least in this situation.

Kill style: So, i’m afraid i’d have to kill “Angel heart” era Lisa bonet the way only “Angel heart” era lisa bonet would want to go…Voodoo.

F/M/K:sketch comedy shows:
Monty Python’s Flying Circus/Saturday Night Live/Mad TV

Kill: Mad TV

I mean, is it even a question? Mad TV is “In Living Color” for midwesterners. They had a few decent cast members over the years but the eye rolls always out weighed the laughs, in my opinion. Still, it was way better than that horrible ass “Lyricist Lounge show” that MTV used to run. Regardless, I’d kill Mad TV with the quickness.

Kill style: I’d probably just turn off the tv (or change the channel).

Marry: SNL

Listen, this is just what I came up watching. It’s been around as long as I can remember and , even when it’s been through rough patches, I’ve always found something good about it. In a way, it is very much like how I imagine a wife being like. It’s not perfect but you accept it faults as, ultimately , it’s a good thing that you can rely on. Sure, this wife may have whole seasons of shitty one notes jokes but what about the will ferrel years? Or Phil hartman? Those two examples alone would make me never question my vows.

Fuck: Monty Python’s Flying Circus

As I’m not a total nerd, I don’t out and out love Monty Python. While I realize they’re groundbreaking and often have been hilarious, it’s both a hair before my time and a little too british for my taste. That said, they’ve done plenty of amazing shit that I do ,in fact , like. So, I’d fuck’em. Once…or twice. I wouldn’t want to live a life with them but the occasional drop in would always be received with open arms.

F/M/K:Angela Lansbury, Kathy Bates, Sara Gilbert
I hate whoever sent me this one.

Kill: Kathy Bates

This was no easy choice. In a pool of obvious kills, who is the most deserving? Well, maybe “deserving” isn’t the right word. “Who’s the grossest?” might be a better way to look at is. And , well, bates is the grossest. unlike landsbury, she was never hot. And unlike gilbert, she’s like 70 years old. So, I’m afraid I’d have to put her out of her MISERY. Get it? Hiyoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Kill style: I’d kidnap her, tie her to a bed and make her write a book for me. Then I’d make her eat that book. This wouldn’t kill her but I’d make that her only food so she’d eventually starve to death.

Fuck: Sara Gilbert

Listen, I don’t wanna be there any more than she does. We can both close our eyes and pretend to be fucking hotter women. But, she’s the youngest of the group by far and , therefore, the most eligible to me. Sure, she looks like the puppet Madam crossed with a softball catcher but, whatever…give me shit choices and I’m forced to make shit decisions.

Marry: Angela Lansbury

See what I did there? ^^^^^^
Why marry her? Cause she’s the oldest and would die the quickest. Yup. That’s fucked up, right? I have no other reason beyond that. It might be a plus that her vagina has probably been dormant since the 60’s so that would be off the table. Maybe she’s good at baking? I feel like most 80 year olds can bake some shit half decently. Man, I hope she can bake…

F/M/K:Topanga, Blossom, Kimmie Gibbler

Fuck:Kimmie Gibbler

I don’t really wanna fuck her at all but these options leave me no choice. Kimmie Gibbler was MAD annoying but maybe putting a penis in her would calm her down. Like, you know how weed works for hyper active people and makes them almost normal? Maybe a fucking would do that for Kimmie Gibbler. I can only hope it would.

Marry: Topanga

The no-brainer of no-brainers. Topanga was where I think my generation got its appreciation for thick girls. She was a pretty faced jewess with an unconventional full body (for a tv show about white kids at least) that bordered on “Too thick” but was just enough on the right side of things to make every 14 year old boy go nuts. Also, she dated the boy meets world herb (on the show at least) so you know her standards are all sorts of low. Wait, did she date him? I don’t remember. Who cares.

Kill: Blossom

Blossom’s existence as a show always baffled me. She was a busted, uninteresting and a fairly annoying 15 year old girl. I guess there was a “She’s every teenaged girl” vibe there but still, she sucked. I wanted to kill blossom before I even played this game so it’s fitting that i get the hypothetical chance now.

Kill style: Buried alive in floral patterned fisherman’s hats.

F/M/K: Sarah Palin/Anne Romney/Kim Kardashian

Fuck: Sarah Palin

Hey, she’s an attractive older woman and she someone I loath. Why would I not want to hate fuck her? As much as killing her might be the just thing to do, I just can’t bring myself to fuck Anne Romney. She’s mormon. Don’t they fuck with underwear on or some shit? Weird. I also have a feeling that Palin is actually a fun hoe in the bedroom. After all, she fucked former NBA player Glen Rice. How lame could she be?

Marry: Kim Kardashian

This would be a quick marriage. She’s a truly awful person. Like so bad that her breath stinks from her soul rejecting her personality. That said, regardless of what you (IE: Every girl alive) might think, she’s still pretty hot. She’s fake and wears way too much make up but compared to the other two options, she’s mrs. fucking universe. So, the plan here would be to marry her, have as much sex with her as i can until the inevitable blow up and divorce. Not to mention, I feel like there would be lots of money in it for me. Tv shows, a book deal…It might be a good look.

Kill: Anne Romney

I got nothing against this woman except that she’s married to a piece of shit. It’s par for the course when it comes to politicians wives. But I don’t want to fuck her and i don’t want to marry her…So that leaves me with one alternative. I’d definitely wait till after the election though cause I feel like a widower might win on some pity vote shit.

Kill style: I’d make her watch Christopher Hitchens youtube clips discussing religion until she took her own life out of sheer frustration.

Trending topics vol. 99


This week, Alaska and i discuss Sports, politics and no hot girls. This puts me in a shitty position cause I am forced to make up a hot girl for my header pic. So, I googled “hot girl” and this was the first thing that popped up. It’s fine by me.
Also, this is the second to last one of these trending topics we will be doing. I for one can’t wait for it to be over so I can stop paying attention to the “news” completely.
http://www.syffal.com/nfl-college-football-fall-tv

Answers for questions vol. 101


The labor day sloth above says “Happy labor day”. This is always a funny holiday for me cause I don’t really labor much. So while people are all psyched to be getting this day off work, to me, it just means it’s a monday. business as usual, yo. And what happens on mondays? I write this blog and answer your questions. If you have more questions, leave them in the comments below or send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Trueeeeeee…

Who do you think would win in a fight to the death, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy?

I think the tooth fairy would easily kill the easter bunny. No contest. For one, the tooth fairy can fly and , most likely, carries a bag of discarded teeth around with her. I could just see her pummeling the pussy ass eater bunny to death with that bag while the easter bunny would be scrambling around trying to shove eggs at her with his non-prehensile paws. On a side note, I bet the easter bunny would be delicious.

Have you ever thought of you using some of your Dads artwork as an album cover?

Not really. It would have to be a painting and most of his work with paint is either from WW2 or it’s of naked women. Both things don’t really play into my artwork very well. His sculptures would actually be dope but, alas, they are sculptures and it wouldn’t translate too well as just a photo of a sculpture for an album cover.

So this has been poking at me for a while now and I’m wondering if I’m the only one noticing it. I feel like a large portion of independent and/or acclaimed music (I don’t enjoy using either one of those words; not sure how else to say it) has become extremely happy-go-lucky. I mean shit, I’m happy too sometimes. But a lot of this stuff feels… off. What with the endless unrest and uncertainty in the world, seems to me there could be a few more minor keys. In fact, I bet that if there was some way to measure the amount of minor keys and major keys within critically acclaimed bands, the ratio would be much more skewed than in previous musical cycles. Not that major/minor is end all/be all of the feeling of a song, but everything is so consonant now: catchy, resonant hooks and melodies that make you wanna go do snow-angels or ice skate with your special someone (yep, from MN). There’s a place for that kind of thing, of course. But generally it loiters near the Top 40 side of the fence, only rarely walking over to the far side to say hi. What’s going on here? Are musicians making dance-friendly, carefree tunes to cope with what’s happening around them? Or are external conditions/circumstances simply not a factor? Do they have to be personal? What vibe have you noticed in your own music: has it gotten more light hearted, dark, or generally stayed the same the past couple years?

Hmm…I honestly haven’t noticed an upswing in happy music. I’m also not really listening to much that isn’t rap though so that might have something to do with it. Happy rap has rarely ever been a force.
But, to address you question about why this stuff gets made it’s pretty simple. happy music, on a pop level, sells. Kids like it. If kids and young people like music, it gets made. You put on “party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus in a room of drunk girls and watch what happens. I’m sure most of them will admit the song sucks but it serves a purpose. Happy music may not be what I feel like listening to all the time but, regardless of what’s going on in the world, there will always be a need for it.
It’s funny that you bring up how certain happy music gets made in tough times cause I’m the opposite. I’m , in real life, a very happy person who’s almost never down about things or even really serious yet , at times, I make music that people might cut themselves to. I’m sure the people making these happy songs don’t walk around smiling all day. I bet they’re actually kinda miserable (the old “sad clown” thing at work). But you make the music you make…if you’re sitting around with a guitar , stewing about global warming and taking those emotions and writing a song, that fine…but , in my experience, most artists don’t work like that.

How old were you when you started to make real money making music? Do you think music school is useful for anything? (I know you didn’t study. What about your other musician friends?)

I started making enough money to live off of around 2004. That’s when my first album dropped and I started touring. I also had money coming in from working with aesop as well. Basically, my whole life since then has been trying to keep that going as long as I can before I have to get a real job…and job I’m most likely not qualified for in the first place.
As for music school, sure. That’s a great way to learn how play an instrument or learn to be a studio engineer. Unlike something like art school, I feel music school can actually be parlayed into something bigger. Teaching art, to me, is weird cause you’re teaching something that isn’t fact. Whether a painting is good or not is really up to an individual. Beyond learning methods of creating, most of what they teach you in art school is pretty much just the opinions of the teachers. While the same could be said for music, there are definitive answers. A g chord is always a g chord. Things are either in key or they’re not. So, in my eyes, going to music school to hone a craft seems like a wise idea if you’re dedicated to doing that.

You said a few weeks ago in one of your music reviewing posts how you didn’t like those crazy busy drum heavy tracks that are just all over the place; so how do you feel about aesops new album? You gave a mellowed out remix of zero dark thirty and I’d really enjoy reading your thoughts on this.

I don’t think I said that but, if I did, I wasn’t referring to shit like Aesop’s new album. I was more likely referring to some electronic type music that I don’t give a shit about. Aesop’s drums are dope. They’re all crazy chopped up breaks. What’s not to like about that?
I think Aesop’s new album is awesome. His production has come a long way and he really knocked it out the park on this one. He’s always been a great rapper so that continuing didn’t surprise me at all. I do find it really cool that he’s carved such a niche for himself that he can basically make songs about whatever he wants and there’s an audience for that. Not many artists can say that.

What characteristics do you find most attractive on a woman and do you have any sexual fantasies you wish/hope to play out?
ass and titties. ass and titties.
This is an odd one. I don’t know if you mean physical characteristics or other…I like cute girls more than I like hot girls. Meaning, I’ll take the 5’4” girls with the normal body over the 6’1” skinny super model. I like a girl with good posture. Not that that’s at all a deal breaker but I’ve noticed some slouchy ass broads out there and you guys just sort of wear your insecurity on your sleeve. I’m attracted to people who are not crazy. You know how some dudes always have a girlfriend who, while she may be attractive, is a bit of a loose cannon? That’s not me. My girl is pretty fucking sane. There are tons of other things I could list but this isn’t a dating site and I got a girl anyway so what’s the point…
As for fantasies, eh…I think porn has ruined that for me. I don’t sit around getting my 50 shades of grey on thinking of different situations where I can seduce the korean girl at the corner store or submit fictional porn to penthouse forum. I just turn on the porn and let it fly. In 2012, I’d say that’s fairly standard.