Litte secret, it’s my birthday today. Nothing like a glorious monday to celebrate another year of getting older. Fuck, I’m old. Apparently I share a barfday with Bruno Mars, Nick Cannon , Matt Damon and Sigourny Weaver. Now THAT sounds like a party!
Anyway, send me more questions! LEave them in the comments below or send them to my email firstname.lastname@example.org
Keep them interesting!
describe the perfect sandwich
This is simply an impossible question. I love sandwiches far to much to whittle it down to the perfect one. To give you an idea of how open I am to a good sandwich, I’ll describe the sandwich I’ve eaten the most in my life. It’s a shitty and slapped together but, using it as a template, imagine how ahrd it would be for me to come up with “the perfect sandwich”.
I used to come home from school and be ravenously hungry. I don’t cook shit so i’d always make a sandwich with whatever was in the fridge. This is where I discovered my go to choice of sandwich: Breaded chicken cutlet, provolone, a shit ton of mayo, on a roll (preferably but I’ve certainly done it a billion times on wonderbread) , microwaved till the cheese melts. That’s it. simple. Now, it’s not the best sandwich or even remotely perfect but it has done the job for me over the years countless times. When i get it from a deli though, I have them add lettuce and tomato.
Okay, so will.i.am and his ilk are an obvious target due to the truly dreadful things they have done in the name of “music” and “entertainment,” but as someone who was once in a actual relatively credible hip-hop group, and now makes music for 10-year olds (or people with the critical faculties of a 10-year old), I can’t help thinking – does he actually think what he does is good? Or is it all just about the $$$$ now? Or do people like him manage to convince themselves what they do is worthwhile, to save themselves from the horrible truth which could only possibly result in a spectacular suicide attempt live on national TV?
Does he stroll around his gold-plated mansion laughing to himself, and then catch himself in the mirror, a solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he realises what he’s done? As much as I’d like to think that’s true, probably not. I guess it’s probably depressingly true that 9 out of 10 people would make gladly compromise their “art” given a big enough pay-check, so he’s just an example of that, right?
First off, I’d life to clarify that the only good music he’s ever made was with the Atban Klan, which wasn’t even that good cause of him. The beats (that he didn’t make) were great.
I often hear people speak of “The glory days” of the Black Eyed peas as if , before fergie joined them , they weren’t shitty. Well, they were. They were a corny Roots knock off with three dudes who were decent at impersonating rappers. Just wanted to clear that up. like this song is “Nice try” but let’s not pretend it was good or anything.
As for the question, I think Will.I.AM. goes into the studio and thinks “Okay, what kinda hit can I make today?”. I don’t think he’s got an ounce of integrity in his body. I think he’s a capable producer and has a good ear for pop music (IE the lowest common denominator) but that’s it. Otherwise, his entire existence, musically, is pandering to people with terrible taste in everything.
I think he walks around feeling good about himself cause he’s been in the music business for 20 years and he’s been successful. For some reason, I don’t imagine his morals or guilt of being a hack come into play much. Why would it? He probably like his music. He probably likes dressing up in outfits that look like how people in the 1950’s imagined people in 2000 would dress like. I think he’s perfectly content. I also think he will die old and be showered with accolades his entire life…cause that’s just how this kinda shit works. He will be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame when he’s 70 where he and the two remaining Black Eyed Peas will perform “Let’s get retarded in here” while sitting down. It will be awesome.
Btw, in case you missed this,I wrote about a black eyed peas video game a while back…
Why do straight women feel qualified to give opinions of the attractiveness of other women to men?
Well, I think everyone feels qualified to give their opinions on anything, but I know what you’re talking about. When straight women and gay dudes set the standard for what’s “Attractive” in other women, it’s a bit of a head scratcher. (Un)Luckily for us, that’s who creates most of the fashion we see so I’m never shocked when shit like high waisted jeans or airy blouses are in fashion…cause it sure as hell ain’t straight dudes deciding that.
It’s a funny topic cause men are pretty much low lives when it comes to what we find attractive. We’re very visceral. If we decided what was the right way to look, it would be hard for women to walk around the streets without being attacked constantly. It would be all bare midriff, yoga pants and cleavage. Women, in general, tend to look at different things. The things I’ve heard women cite as beautiful or unattractive about other women are usually shit most guys don’t even notice or disagree with wholeheartedly. While i feel as every one, regardless of gender, can appreciate some nice big tits, I’d say most girls would not be into and cannot appreciate fat asses. In fact, if you tell a (white) girl she has a fat ass, as a compliment, she will slap the shit out of you. But little do they know that even the most straight laced white dude has a secret hankering to fuck whoever is on the cover of “King” magazine at any given month.
The standard of beauty put forth by fashion (IE gay guys and other women) is tall and skinny but the reality of it is most dudes i know would much rather take a 5’2” girl with body and a little extra weight on her over that in a heartbeat. That said, they have to be tall and skinny cause it’s about clothing and how it photographs and hangs off the body. Tall and skinny just happens to work for that particular thing. It’s just too bad that that somehow become the standard in which so many girls aspire for.
I’ve seen you write a couple times about your hatred of animals, yet you use animal pictures in all your question answering entries. Are they used ironically? Why this seeming contradiction?
Let me be clear, I don’t hate animals. I hate cats. Fuck cats. With other animals, I’m more just completely indifferent. I have no feelings either way towards them.
That said, I do think pictures of animals can be cute. That’s pretty much the only way I can appreciate them…in photos. I don’t wanna hang with them and roll on the ground. I’d rather just take a glimpse of a happy hamster making a funny face or a bunny pushing a grocery cart. I started putting animals as the header pic on this column for no reason other that I wanted something with a little continuity. That’s pretty much all it is. I enjoy those pictures…but you will never see a house cat picture ever. That’s where i draw the line. This isn’t your instagram.
If in the future robot servants are invented, what would you use yours for? Common chores, maybe pranks, sexual gratification, what?
I mean, I doubt I could afford one but, if I could it would obviously just clean up after me and do everything I don’t feel like doing. I’m not really a prankster so I don’t think i’d ask a robot to do that. I also don’t think i could stick my dick into what imagine to be a souped up toaster over so sex is out. That would be really fucked up if they came up with that kind of technology and the final result was a bunch of dudes hunching over , fucking a toaster.
I just wanted to know your opinion on god, spirituality, that whole thing. What religion you are, etc.
To be honest, I don’t believe in anything that pertains to religion. Obviously, I can’t definitively say if there is a god or not but I side heavily with the prospect that there probably isn’t.
I don’t even buy spirituality. To me, it’s all just some made up shit that people use to explain things they don’t understand and to validate feelings they can’t explain.
I simply can’t put faith into something that was man made thousands of years ago. Everything was based on fear and superstition. I understand that the bible teaches people how to live the right way but , personally, I find common sense and decency dictates that just as well without all the extra bullshit rules that were made up by people who didn’t have refrigeration and clean water yet.
I wasn’t raised with any specific religion. My mom is a WASP and my dad was a jew. We celebrated christmas and went to church for weddings and funerals. That said, they didn’t deter me from it. I remember once year we tried to do Passover and all of us were like “wait…so what is this?”. But, to be honest, I didn’t question religion or even think about it until i got to college. It simply wasn’t prevalent enough. I assumed there was a god and that was that. Then, I recall being a freshman in college and thinking “wait a minute…there’s a god…in the sky? who watches over EVERYONE?”And like that, I had my santa claus moment and didn’t believe any of that shit ever again. It was literally a 25 second internal conversation and there was nothing inside me that could rationalize all those things i had grown to know as “fact”. Since then, I’ve made more and more distance from religion as I’ve seen the negative effects it can have.
To be honest, religion terrifies me. Not to say I’m against people who are religious but I’m more just scared of the depths it can go and how eaisly some people can use it as a means to do terrible things. When you think about all the fucked up things in the world and how much of that is directly related to religious nuts, it’s not a good feeling. I’m not just talking crazy muslims or christian fundamentalists. When taken to an extreme, all religions (except maybe buddhism) can be dangerous and unhealthy for those involved. Putting all your faith into something that isn’t palpable just seems so obviously short sighted to me…but to many it’s all they’ve ever known so questioning it doesn’t even make sense. But, to be honest, the thing that scares me the most is the fact that other peoples beliefs can somehow effect my life. The second that shit starts slipping into the white house and law making, that’s when things get hairy. It has no business being anywhere but in a church/mosque ect…and it should be a personal thing. Not something you push onto all those around you. It’s those types I can’t handle. I’m just glad i live in a place where 95% of the people in come across don’t give a flying fuck about it.
I have friends who are religious and it’s not a big deal. I don’t think less of them for it. But they’re also not crazy and they all have their feet planted firmly in reality. That’s all i ask. But, for me, personally, I’ll pass. The bible’s just another book. Besides, I practice Baduizm. just kidding, fuck that shit too.