Ask Dr. Tony vol. 19



The Dr. is in.
If you have questions about your shitty loves lives you’d like me to answer, send them my way! Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. I’d advise to email me them though cause I’ve noticed when people leave them in the comments , my readers seem to think this is a great chance for them to dole out the advice and, to be honest, the last people you wanna take advice from are the people who leave comments on my blog. I love y’all but you motherfuckers are crazy.
Oh, and as always, let me just say that I’m not a licensed anything…I’m not a specialist. I’m just a guy who thinks he knows things and feels entitled to give you my advice. I’m a libra y’all! So there will always be a balance (if you believe in that kinda bullshit).
So, yeah, this is me helping you. YOU’RE WELCOME!

I’ve asked you many a question and you haven’t failed me yet. Here it is: i just moved to CA from AZ. Im dating a girl who i ADORE. I’m pretty much in love but i haven’t said anything because this girl “doesn’t want a relationship”. Im 98% sure its not cause she wants to date others; rather it’s cause she’s had a very rough summer (father dying, uncle dying, grandma sick). So i give her slack. Anyway, im going back to AZ next week for a friend’s wedding. And there’s a girl out there that wants to fuck. I kinda feel bad cause of my feelings for CA girl but i have no obligation to only be with one person-yet. Whatchu think?

You absolutely have no obligation to the other girl. You are free to do with your penis as you please until an official relationship been established. That doesn’t mean she needs or wants to know that. I’m assuming you’re young so my advice to you is to enjoy it while you can. Don’t prematurely tie yourself down based on what you think this relationship MIGHT become. I had a similar situation when I was younger that i still regret to this day.
I was 18 and had just left my first year of college. During my last week there, I hooked up with a girl who i had liked for the majority of the year. Problem was, I wasn’t going back to that school and she didn’t live anywhere near me. Basically, to any logical person, it was wrap. But I was in deep “sucker for love” mode back then and just kinda considered it to still be on the table. That summer I worked at a record store and one of my co-workers was this super hot girl who was very openly feeling me. I actually liked her too but my allegiance to the girl from college kept me from doing anything. Looking back, I wish someone would have smacked the shit out of me and put things into perspective cause me and that college girl saw each other only one more time after that and, obviously, it didn’t pan out.
So, do you. If it’s meant to be, you’ll be with this girl but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun in the meantime. Also, if you’re in that mode where you like her so much you’re not even looking at other girls, that that’s fine to. Don’t force yourself to have sex with other women. But don’t deprive yourself of anything either.

Hi,

I’m about to turn 30 and I’m looking forward to it and embracing it as a forced personal renaissance mile marker, why not. Having partied my way around the world in my 20s, I’m happy with what I’ve done and am ready to set some adult type goals. I’m looking forward to making and saving some real money to live more securely, and I’m really pushing myself to write creatively, my biggest goal. A couple of years ago I realized my pay the bills type work could be done online, and I left my college town and cubicle job and friends with mortgages and wandered abroad. Doing the digital nomad thing was stressful at times but so great, and now I’ve been in the same Latin city nearly 2 years and am feeling ready for a stable dude. So it’s weird that I’m good at these big ballsy things, because the biggest thing I can’t quite pull off is decent self esteem and the relationship to go with it. I’m a very tall woman and that always made me shy, but I’m also pretty hot. Like, if I make a good effort, really hot, and then I can get anything I want, tables at packed restaurants, front of the line, blah blah.

But it scares the shit out of me to attract any kind of attention, it has since I got hot in my teens. I let myself get fat and get acne through college to hide, and though I’ve gotten over that weirdness, I still prefer jeans and a tshirt. Adult dudes do not go for this, and can smell my insecurity and think it’s unreliability, which it’s not, I’m a good girlfriend. But people I’ve known for years will see me without glasses in a dress and be shocked. On several separate occasions, 30s/early 40s guys have given me non sleazy pep talks along the lines of–you so clearly don’t know what you have, you could get whatever you wanted if you learned to be confident. So I feel uncertain about how to be ok with some sexual attention, in the name of dating and kicking ass in general. Also, I’m only going to get older, I should be able to enjoy this while I can. But it’s hard to be looked at by strangers. I can’t really bring this up with many other girls without getting into eating disorder territory (not a problem I have), and when I’ve asked guy friends their response is basically, heavy is the head that wears the crown. I’ve dated good dudes in the past, but have been busy with my travels for awhile now. My parents weren’t around much when I was a kid, but I don’t have anything messed up to get over either. There’s no drama or trauma behind it.

In summary–how do you deal with attention, and what are your feelings on hotness and confidence?

Thanks,
C

So, just to be clear, you’re hot?
Cool. Just checking.
This is a strange question as I’m not a female who is hot. The type of attention i receive is wildly different than the type you’ve received. People either recognize me as “Blockhead” (this almost never happens , by the way) or they just take one look at me and think “Oh look, a white guy in his mid 30’s”. Not exactly rolling out the red carpet. So, for me to tell you how to deal with people being attracted to you? That’s a tough one. Deal with it. Enjoy it. It won’t always be there. You gotta understand that simply by being beautiful, you have the power. People are going to care more about what you say and do compared to your more homely counterparts. That’s just how it is. At the same time, you have to come to grips with the reality that a lot of these people treating you nicely have an agenda. Like all the males you know have told you, heavy is the head that wears the crown.
To be honest, you sound like a person who has been told your hot some many times that you’ve accepted it but I’m not 100% sure you actually believe it. This whole question reeks of insecurity. I don’t know if that’s cause you feel like you’re gonna be alone for the rest of your life or maybe you feel your personality doesn’t match your looks. Who knows? The hottest girls in the world are insecure about something. They just hide it better than others. Join the club.
I will say this, no dude is complaining about the girl who likes to wear jeans and a T-shirt. No guy is complaining about a hot girl who does it even more so. Like I said, you have the power. Guys will adhere to you.

Was wondering what are your thoughts on women using the “this is not a date” argument nowadays? It’s me and her, the attraction is there, the feelings are there, but most women consider it as “not a date”. i always found it kinda weird.

That’s just them setting up boundaries. Perhaps even them trying to manage any expectations you might have. Sure, the attraction may be there but you also may be kinda sleazy and trying too hard to get them drunk. They might sense that and just wanna establish a definitive “We may be flirting and you may think this is going somewhere in particular but don’t get your hopes up , dude” kinda vibe.
On the other hand, it could also be like that thing girls do when they go home with and say “You know we’re not having sex, right?” which is code for “You know we’re having sex, right? Just don’t think I’m a big slut about it”.
Between those two options, I’d honestly say it’s more likely the former that’s going on. I can’t say I’ve been out with many girls in my life who went out of their way to declare what was going on in a negative kinda way. In my eyes, if a girl said that, it would be her pumping the break a little. Even if it said in a coy manner, perhaps you’re coming on a little strong. Ease up on the cologne , bro.

Why are women so batshit crazy… creatures who actions are based nowhere upon any logical schema I can deduce.

I was dating a girl about 6 months ago and she got flighty because we were both moving. Starting something new with an expiration date is always tough and I understood. What I didn’t understand was why she broke the news to me via email and went directly to no-contact. I’ve done the no contact thing before, but only because it was necessary (stalkers, crazy crazy bitches, etc.) We had a good thing, it was just a bad time. Life/lemons.

Anyway, about a month ago we had both made our moves and I had a few whiskeys and decided to send her a text just to see how everything was going for her once she moved. That turned into us sending some emails, then a few phone conversations, then she flew out to the middle of nowhere to visit me for a long weekend, a concert, and some hiking/backpacking. She apologized for being immature and not handling me and the situation right the first go around… an apology which lasted about 20 minutes and I couldn’t get her to shut up. The rest of the weekend was awesome, we were physically inseperable, talking about me moving out to where she is a.s.a.p…. if there was a perfect weekend (at least for me) it was probably it. She invited me to visit her in a few weeks which sounded good to me, she was already planning the trip and where to go. She texts me when she lands and then the next morning using pet names and how she misses me already…. then she fucking did it again…back with the no contact. Its been 7 days, she didnt return my phone call we scheduled when she left, she didnt respond to the text i sent 4 days later making sure she was ok.

What the fuck, boss? Her flying out here to visit, her apologizing, her saying everything shy of I love you and then disappearing? I just don’t get it.

I don’t know if all women being crazy can be attributed to this one girl. I mean, trust me, I know where you’re coming from but it sounds to me that this girl is just flighty in general. Dating a fickle girl will ruin your fucking soul. Long distance relationships will also ruin your soul. I’d say this has more to do with those two things as well as that she’s immature and doesn’t know how to communicate.

My guess would be that she has/had real feelings for you that you stirred up when you started texting again. Then when you guys spent the weekend together, she dove in head first (as flighty people tend to do withe everything). After that, she went home and probably realized the reality of the distance and she freaked out about it. Thus opting to just drop the whole thing cause she didn’t feel like dealing with it. Some people just choose to shut down , rather than deal with things where they’re going to ahve to hurt people. The fucked up this is they don’t realize that, by not communicating, they’re hurting the person way more that way. It’s some pussy shit for sure.

So, it could be that OR there’s another guy at home and his proximity>>>>>the love you two share. You never know.

So really, she’s far more inconsiderate than she is lacking in logic. In fact, pulling away from a long distance relationship is pretty fucking logical. But ask yourself this: Do you want to be with someone who’s both inconsiderate and flighty? I wouldn’t. In fact, those are two qualities I would avoid as much as possible. Trust me, you do not want to seriously date a girl like that. You’ll be in a padded cell within a few months.

10 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony vol. 19

  1. Is it just me or does the tall hit girls story sound fishy? Something’s just not right there and I don’t get the point of all if it UNLESS she’s one if those chicks that constantly needs to have her self worth reinforced….still, that shits weird too. I mean what girl in their right mind lets themselves get acne and gain weight to “hide” their cursed hotness? I’m throwing the bullshit flag.

      • People who have been touched as a child let themselves gain weight and get acne. Not saying it happened to her but that’s like psychology 101

    • I agree…she’s confident to say how bad ass she is: living abroad, accepting tables, I can be super hot when I try, blah blah but she can’t accept when men call her hot and she has no confidence?? I call bullshit, too. She probably wants to fuck Blockhead and is trying to weasel her way in by making up lies stalker style. I’m an okay looking chick, I guess, and I definitely get flattered when there’s attention coming my way. I would never “let myself get fat” and get acne…besides, i didn’t know someone can “just get acne” on command. This is a made up question from a hot psycho that loves attention. My advice would be to put on a dress and go get laid in Cuba or wherever the hell you are.

    • I believe this story because my ex was exactly like this. She was a really strong person and gave off an aura of confidence, yet deep down had insecurities. Hers stemmed (in general) from when she used to be fat as a kid and would get picked on in school.
      She blew off attention as if it happened to every girl. She was gorgeous though. Once she was even tossed a cell phone while in traffic. She’s also done some modeling, gogo dancing and burlesque. So she knew she was attractive, but I think it was only on some superficial level. Deep down she probably didn’t see herself worthy of the attention she got. Her insecurities were the root of our relationship’s demise. She never saw herself as beautiful and needed constant reassurance, yet no amount of praise or affirmation on my part seemed to help. It manifested itself into her spending copious amounts of time at the gym, counting her calories, and eventually progressing to bulimia, depression, isolation and a few suicide attempts. Counseling helped a little bit, but she just didn’t love herself.
      After our relationship ended she’s gone back to school and is continuing with counseling, but still dealing with depression and has let herself go a little bit (she’s still damn beautiful though).
      So the other girl’s problem sounds similar, just on a different spectrum.

  2. What’s up, Doc? I need your advice.
    Recently a new girl got hired where I work, and I really like her. A lot. It seems she’s into me too, she’ll come up with any reason to come up and talk to me, you know how people do that when they like someone? Anyway, we hung out after work one night drinking and smoking. It was cool and we seem to pretty compatible. We exchanged phone numbers and almost immediately started texting each other back and forth. Now, let me mention that this is the first girl I’ve been interested in even remotely since I ended a four-year relationship over a year ago. So, my problem? This girl has never been with a dude! She said she has nothing against dating a guy, she’s just never done it. Block, how the fuck do I approach this?

    • Obviously play it cool like it aint no thang. Don’t get wrapped up like a kit-kat or your cookies gonna crumble. And so on and so on…

  3. I don’t know if it’s a short attention span, or the fact that these people are completely bat-shit-crazy, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the latter of the two. Honestly, page long questions divulging ideas they obviously hold as sacred, or at least deeply important to themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I love the blog..but some of these are just mind-numbingly-re-fucking-diculous…ya dig???

    • Oh, I deeply agree. I think 99% of these questions could be edited down to two paragraphs but people like to nail home evry useless details possible. The funny thing about all these long winded questions is that they’re all basically the same 4 questions with slight variations.

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