What up. It’s about that time again where I pretend to fuck, marry and kill people are are far more rich and famous than I will ever be. Payback? Not really. Just a really fun way to pass time. As always, take it with a grain of salt and know I don’t really want to marry or kill any of these people. I’d fuck a few of them though…
F/M/K: Kristen Stewert, Condoleeza Rice, Betty White
Kill: Betty White
I mean…come on. The whole world loves Betty White. She’s somehow made it back into the public eye at age 142 and that’s great. But in a game of F/m/k? Her dying would just be the slightest acceleration of the process ever. She’s pretty much there already. This is a slam dunk of murder , if there ever was one.
Fuck: Condoleeza Rice
This was actually harder than it should of been. On one hand, you got Kristen Stewart who is obviously the hottest of these three and she’s also the youngest by like 5 decades. But I kinda hate her face…At the same time, I don’t exactly want to marry or fuck Condoleeza. So, in this case, I’m taking the short term bullet and throwing it in Condo once. Which isn’t that bad cause she’s what you’d consider an attractive older women. But often that means “She’s good looking for someone I’m not attracted to in the slightest bit due to how old they are”. So, a one and done with her would have to do.
Marry: Kristen Stewart
Pretty obvious. She may be an awful person (I have no idea, I just know she’s an actress so there’s a very good chance that’s true) but she’s head and shoulders above either of these other two in all physical categories. If this was fuck/Bake me a pie/kill or /fuck/explain how a white house meeting works/kill it would be a different story, but I’m afraid I’m always gonna have to go with the sure thing where marriage is concerned. Besides, I’d cheat on her with no qualms cause she totally has it coming.
Arianna Huffington, Rachel Maddow, and Katie Couric.
I’mma let you guys who always submit lesbians to this game in on a little secret, I’ll almost always pick the lesbian for marriage. Why? Well, for one, I get along great with most lesbians. But , more importantly, marrying a lesbian would basically just be like having a new roommate and I would simply live my life out as a single guy. When faced with the other two options, it’s a no brainer. Rachel and I would live a long and loving life of passing each other in the living room saying “What up!” as we both went our own ways and did whatever the fuck we wanted.
Fuck: Katie Couric
There’s not a bone(r) in my body that wants to really wants to have sex with Katie Couric (Young Couric though was probably hooooooot)but between her and the woman with the accent like a nazi movie villain (I realize she’s not german , calm down), it’s not a hard choice. Couric isn’t unattractive at all. She’s simply a little past her prime. So, sure, I think I could do that. I’m pretty sure the sex would be pretty lame but , hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. Not to mention, the after sex interview would be intense.
Kill: Arianna Huffington
I actually kinda like her and 30 years ago, I’d bet she was pretty hot. But, to be honest, she’s just too old and her accent doesn’t hit my ears right. I’ve never been a guy who was into girls cause of their accents. I barely can handle someone with a midwest twang, let alone someone with a vaguely greek/german sounding one. I mean, there are certain types of accents that are sexier than others but, unfortunately, hers sounds like someone who would aggressively sell me Baklava on the street. So, my apologies to her and RIP.
F/M/K Funny chicks named Jen style: Jenna Marbles, Jenny McCarthy, Jennifer Aniston.
Fuck: Jennifer Aniston
Sorry, I just watched “Horrible bosses” the other day and Aniston’s body is completely out of control. She was made for the “fuck” portion of this game. She was also made to never be married so that’s there too. Seriously, I realize she must work out like a maniac 7 days a week but , holy shit, has it paid off. She’s over 40!!!! She’s what a mother of two in her mid 30’s must look at and make that women just want to kill her. Fortunately for Jen, this is my game of F/m/k and not that mother of two.
Kill: Jenny MCcarthy
This was a tough one. There was a time (namely my late teens) when Jenny MCcarthy was the end all of hot women. I had her playboy issues, I watched “Single’d out” and I even stick by my guns in saying her short lived MTV sketch comedy show was actually pretty decent. That said, it’s clear that I’m an agist. She’s still pretty hot but she’s not quite keeping up with Aniston (who at that age is ,though?). And I don’t really wanna marry her as she’s kinda crazy. So, it’s with great sadness that I would be forced to put her down.
Marry: Jenna Marbles
This could go terribly but I’m rolling the dice with Marbles. For one, she’s younger. Secondly, she’s somewhat funny. Those two things work well for me in this equation. What doesn’t work well is that she’s got a thick midwestern accent. But, I’d imagine I could get over that. Also, Funny girls are often not very sexy but I can’t really call it with her. But i do appreciate a girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously so I’d pretty much just cross my fingers and hope for the best with this one.
I realize many of you have no clue who this person is, so here’s a taste:
Hmm..upon watching this video…I think I made a mistake with this choice…but whatever…
F/m/k: “I’m Bad” LL Cool J, “Deep Blue Sea” LL Cool J, “NCIS” LL Cool J
Kill: NCIS LL Cool J
For off, let me say this is one of those metaphorical rounds. I’m not fucking or marrying any version of LL Cool J but I think whoever submitted this wanted me to review these three stages of LL’s life in an abstract way. So this is that.
Obviously, I’m killing off the actor that is LL cool J. He sucks at acting. He always has, he always will. He make Ice-T look like Daniel Day Lewis. Sorry bro…I wish someone had killed his acting career years ago.
Marry: I’m bad LL cool J
Obviously. This was LL when had slightly matured from his “radio” days and took that next big step. He was a force to be reckoned with back then and , even crazier, he had another good 6 or so years after this. That’s longer than most marriages.
Fuck: Deep Blue Sea LL Cool J
Quite possibly the worst song and video of all time. So much so, that it laps around being bad into simply being hilarious. For that reason, I’d have sex with it. I have many fond memories of clowning this song and video when i was younger and , by all means, I would make love to those thoughts. Also, it’s the basis for one of my favorite unmade parody songs. The hook on his song goes “Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a sharks fin” and I always wanted to make “Cheapest, jewish, my penis has no foreskin”.
Weird Al, if you’re reading, go nuts with that one.