Some new tour dates! US and Europe!


Hey everyone…So, I got some fall/winter shows coming up all over the place…I want you to come to them. That’s all I ask.
Peep these dates and ,hopefully , I’m Playing near somewhere where you live. If I’m not, don’t think it’s because I don’t want to play there…it simply cause no one is booking me there. Trust me, I want to play everywhere. In fact, if you know people who put together legit shows and would seriously want to bring me somewhere, tell them to holler at my booking agent, colin (colin@subversiveinc.com ). Help me make it happen cause I pretty much only go where I’m invited.
Okay? great.
Now, the dates:

12.8 Los Angeles, CA @King King hollywood
https://www.facebook.com/events/439799792723698/
12.12 Atlanta, GA “Trinumeral Fest” @ Terminal West
12.13 Fairfield, Conn. @Stageone
http://events.ctpost.com/fairfield_ct/events/show/292468765-blockhead
12.15 Brooklyn , NY @Paper Box
https://www.facebook.com/events/388255747918333/?fref=ts
12.21 Austin, TX @ The Parish
http://tickets.theuntz.com/events/258732

Hope to see you at one of these!

Answers for questions vol. 106


Hello everyone.
Another week, another batch of questions. SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS…my stack is running low so let’s get pro-active…Send me questions! Get creative! DOn’t ask me what inspires me or where I got the name “Blockhead”. YOu’re better than 97% of journalists.
So, think up a good one and send it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comment section below. Let’s do this, dewds (and girls).

whats your take on sleeping with a married man? or vise versa

I actually did a poll about cheating a few weeks back but I suppose this a little different.
It’s one of those things that just sorta happens and spirals out of control. Obviously, cheating on your husband/wife is a terrible idea but , if you’re a single person and just wanna fuck? I simply don’t think it’s your problem if that person is married or not as long as they’re willing. I mean, it’s far from ideal and a shitty thing to do but the weight of it shouldn’t be on you. You’re the single person.
It’s one of those situations that people who are conscientious about consequences and the feelings of others simply don’t let happen. But, alas, most people out there don’t give a shit about that kinda stuff (even though they may claim to) and peoples moral compasses are all sorts of fucked up.
So, if this is a girl asking me this question, I say “Do what you want but be prepared for what may follow”. Just remember that you’re doing all this for sex. Like you could be ruining someone else’s life so you can get a penis inside of you for 15 minutes. Doesn’t seem like a fair trade but, hey, whatever floats your boat.
If it’s a guy asking me, there’s nothing I can say cause I’ll assume you already fucked that dudes wife.

This is a subject I’ve been hoping you would mention again but I haven’t seen it brought up so I’m curious. I just watched ‘The Art of Rap,’ and it made me wonder if there was word on when DJ PaWl’s documentary ‘Adult Rappers’ (if that is actually what its called) will be released? Is it finished? I assume he got the money he needed to finish it, but it’s just been a while since you spoke on it

Adult Rappers_Tease_2 from @pawlmadethis on Vimeo.

As far as I know it’s going well. I believe they reached their kickstarter goal and they’ve been interviewing all sorts of people.I did my interview with them over a year ago but gauging from twitter updates, all is going well.

Block, what are your thoughts on domestic foxes as pets? I, mean, they’re more dog than cat.

Until this moment, reading this question, I didn’t even realize that was a “thing”. I know nothing about foxes beyond that they’re always kind of portrayed as assholes or french in cartoons. So, I can’t say I’d want some smarmy little orange frenchman runnings around my crib all day. Still, I’m sure they are better than cats cause, as well all know, EVERYTHING is better than cats.
Things that are better than cats include:
Getting locked out of your apartment in your underwear.
Sharting in your pants while on a date.
Heartburn
Seeing someone have seizure.
Taking the first bite of a meal you’re excited about only to find out you’re allergic to something in it
dogs.
Getting hit in the balls lightly so it just kinda vibrates your entire body and hurts way more than a solid kick.
Seeing your mom cry.
ect…

so firstly, the question, my girlfriend actually mentioned this in the car the other day (we pretty much exclusively listen to your shit while driving)..

have you ever considered scoring for movies? your music is very emotive, would you ever consider like watching some movie on silent and scoring a soundtrack to it?

my gut reaction was that you’d be on some ‘fuck that shit i’m from Manhattan and i just make music as it comes to me’ steez but can you please give us your thoughts..

Fuck that shit, I’m from Manhattan and I just make music as it comes to me, bro.

Really? You actually think that would be my reaction any question regarding anything except “where can I get a good slice of pizza?”.
As for as scoring movies, I’ve never done it but I’ve never been asked. Well, I should amend that. I have been asked but it was for no money and that type of thing is a SHIT LOAD of work. Enough work that I would need to be greatly compensated for it. It’s like making an entire album that has to be synched to visuals. That’s insane.
Another aspect of this that may hold me back is that I sample. A lot of people who make movies (and commercials) don’t want to touch artist who samples out of fear the might get caught and sued. And it’s not like most movies have a budget to pay for that kinda shit. It’s very justified so I con’t really be mad at it.
All that said, if the right opportunity came along, I’d certainly score a movie. I’ve had songs I’ve made used in movies, tv shows and commercials but nothing I’ve ever made specifically for that show/movie. Scoring is a whole different ball game.

What’s the block’s policy on the following while in relationships:

Open door shitting
Joint bank accounts
Watching the others shitty shows
Hanging out with their shitty friends or family
The “who/how many ya fucked” talk. (don’t know if this one is pertinent to you.)

Good questions…especially when asked to a guy in a five year relationship.
1)Open door shitting
It’s simply not okay. Ideally, I’d want my girl to not be anywhere near the bathroom when I’m in it and vice versa. I have a bathroom door that doesn’t shut all the way. She’ll be roaming around outside the door sometimes (her closets are right by that bathroom) and it’s definitely interrupts the vibe I like to set while shitting. That vibe? Complete freedom to make whatever crazy sounds I want with no embarrassment attached.

2)Joint bank accounts
It depends on what you both do and why you need it. My girls been angling for one for a while cause she’s sick of writing me checks for her half of the bills. understandable. I’ve simply been too lazy to go get one done but I’m not opposed to it at all. The one thing about doing that is that it’s a deep commitment. Now your money is together. You break up or have one person in the relationship with money issues and you’re fucked.
Personally, I think the best idea is to have your own accounts but create a joint bank account that you both put money into in order to cover joint costs. That seems like the only logical idea, unless you’re married and shit , in which case, I suppose joint accounts are the norm, right? I have no clue what the fuck married people do.

3)Watching the others shitty shows
Eh…to a point. Dvr exists for a reason. I watch tons of shows my girls doesn’t give a shit about and vice versa. I feel no obligation to watch any real housewives shit or “Say yes to the dress” the same way she’s feels no obligation to watch ESPN’s 30 for 30
or Boardwalk empire (notice how unshitty my shitty shows are though? That’s a whole different discussion).
I feel as if there is enough time in the week that you can both watch what you want without having to subject the other to whatever bullshit you happen to enjoy.

4)hanging out with their shitty friends/family
It’s part of the deal, right?
The secret it to manage it. I have friends who date girls and they seem to be constantly getting dragged to awful event after awful event. The worst is a girl who’s way too involved in her family. Like they have family dinners every week and it’s an obligation. Fuck that shit. It’s all about picking the opportune time to see them. The right holidays or occasions. If you’re lucky, their family doesn’t live where you live and it’s not that big a deal. Or, if you’re luckier, they have a cool family (who happens to live in another state).
As for their friends, it’s another case of luck. For the most part, my girl has nice friends who I get along great with. So, hanging with them isn’t a problem. The only time it’s an issue is when I’m the only guy with like 6 women. On paper this sounds great but it’s the fucking worst. Have you hung out with 6 drunk women before as one of their boyfriends? It’ll make you hole up and watch sports for a week just to shake off the over abundance of estrogen you’ve been smothered in. Little know fact, when you’re not angling to fuck any of them, large groups of drunk girls are the fucking WORST (still, not worse than cats though). I’m sure the same could be said for groups of drunk guys but I’m so used to that at this point I don’t even notice how obnoxious we can be.

5)The “who/how many people have you fucked” talk
This is some kiddie shit. No adult should give a shit what happened before them. If you do, you’re an insecure pussy. Sure, i don’t want to hear the lurid details of the last five guys that blew my girls back out but I also don’t give a shit that they once existed. I’d imagine there are people out there who’ve done some serious low life things that would rather keep it under wraps, then do it. Lying about shit like that isn’t even that big a deal as long as you’re not putting the other person at risk. I’ve always been very honest about it with my girl. I’ve got nothing to hide in that respect. The only thing I don’t let out is names and details, unless I’m asked specifically. That just seems unnecessary. If she wants to know, she’s gotta ask and I’ll tell her but I’m not about to just blurt out shit just so it can be heard.

Song of the day 10/12/12


Rap Sheet By Gunplay
http://www.divshare.com/download/19785391-369

(Side note, the song of the day is different than the one in the video above)
I feel like, at least for my readers, there may be a bunch of mixed feelings about Gunplay (the rapper, not the act of shooting things). I could be wrong about this but it wouldn’t surprise me if a decent portion of you guys take one look at him, hear one song and write him off as just some typical thug rapper who’s down with Rick Ross. I hope that’s not the case but it wouldn’t shock me.
Anyway, I’m here to tell you to take a closer listen. First and foremost, this guy can rap. In fact, he can rap his ass off. Not that this is a marker of greatness but he does harken back to an earlier time when a rapper could be both intelligent and ignorant at the same time. While his topics may not exactly be your cup of tea IE:guns, selling drugs, doing drugs (especially coke), he’s one of those cases where the skill and overall entertainment value should outweigh any “issue” you might have with what he’s talking about. The last artist(s) I can think of who got this pass was the Clipse. He’s funny, he’s clever, he’s got tons of personality and he’s one of those rappers who you actually kinda believe when he says crazy shit.
In fact, just this past week, he both got into a filmed scuffle with 50 Cent’s crew
http://www.thetvbuddy.com/video/2389/Gunplay-Fight-Better-View
and turned himself in for armed robbery. Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks.
Considering the Armed Robbery thing, I’d imagine there’s a chance that it might be a minute until he drops something new so here’s a new song I just heard this week.
This is actually a fairly toned down Gunplay. I don’t think he even mentions doing coke once in this song…the header video , however, is more or less what he’s about though.
Anyway, what are your thoughts on Gunplay? Here’s a poll…

Animals eating animals


So, I’m a sucker for shows where people go places and eat stuff. The weirder the better. While I prefer “No reservations” over “Bizarre foods” , both are a good time in my book.
I’m what you’d call a semi-adventorous eater. I draw the line with some things but , for the most part, I’m always down to take a trip to stuff my face. Watching these shows often takes me to a place a few steps out my comfort zone. These guys eat foods I’d maybe attempt to taste but never order (except tripe…fuck tripe…I will not put that shit in my mouth). I dunno what it is but I am thoroughly entertained by watching other people eat. Perhaps it’s that I simply love food THAT much.

I recently ran into an old friend of mine who I probably hadn’t seen in like 9 or 10 years. To be honest, I had no idea what he was doing in life and we just sorta shot the shit in a bar one night and that was that. He friended me on Facebook a few days later and he kept posting these videos called “Animals eating Animals”. I tend to ignore most things people post of Facebook but I was a little curious one day and I peeped. Turns out he’s got a video series where he and a friend go around NYC eating crazy shit. Well, color me interested. The video’s are cool, put together really well and the food is bugged. I figured this would be as good a place as any to share them with you.
If you’re into this kinda shit, like their Facebook page cause they do new ones every few weeks or so and update them there. It’s also a good guide for people visiting NYC who may want to try some crazy meals why you’re here. Get you’re pig’s head on in style…
Anyway, here’s the videos they’ve posted thus far. Prepare to either get hungry or be totally disgusted…I’m somewhere in the middle.

Animals Eating Animals: Episode 1 from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.

Animals Eating Animals: Episode 2 from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.

Animals Eating Animals: Episode 3 from ANIMALNewYork.com on Vimeo.

I believe a new one actually drops later today to keep an eye out for it. Hooray for food.

Mixes for girls Vol. 2: The “I’m sorry/I want you back” Mix.


A couple weeks ago, I posted this. It was a little write up about the good old days of making mix tapes for a girl, with a mix included. It was so much fun, I made 4 of them. This is the second. This time around, this mix for girls is for that special occasion when you’ve fucked up. This is that mix you give to the girl to try and express how devastated you are that she is no longer in your life. It’s the “low blow” of mixes cause it’s full of beautiful and sad songs with all sorts of mixed messages. I’m not gonna lie, there is a sociopath element to making a decent mix tape for a girl. Especially when it’s purpose is to win her back after screwing her over. It’s manipulating emotions and trying to hit nerves that may or may not still be active. When you’ve fucked up , there is only so much “I’m sorry” you can say before it becomes a repetitive. That’s when the “I’m sorry” mix comes in handy.
Not only will it express your feelings better than you could ever do (most likely via a text message, you piece of shit) but it’s relentless. Song after song of heartbreak , regret, or even just a straight up pretty song that strikes a chord . It’s a real test to how dead in the water you are in this relationship cause , if she has any feelings for you still, this should bring them out. If not, the light switch in her head has been flicked and it’s time to move on. Perhaps start working on one of those ” Hey, I’m eclectic and interesting” type mixes for whatever future girl you might encounter (Btw, that’s gonna be the next volume).
All psychology of this mix aside, these are all awesome songs that actually play as well for a rainy day inside or a bad hangover as they do for burying your face in a pillow and weeping all day. That’s what’s so cool about music. It’s so flexible.
So, here’s the “last hope” mix. Use it wisely.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/r67g0j

1)I love you more than you’ll ever know: Donny Hathaway
2)Strong as death (sweet as love): Al Green
3)You are mine: Eddie ray
4)I’ll take care of you: Bobby “Blue” Bland
5)In the rain: The Dramatics
6)Who’s gonna save my soul: Gnarls Barkley
7)With these hands: Les Mccann
8)Free Ride: Nick Drake
9)It’s a sad thing: Slims Twins
10)Between the bars: Madeleine Peyroux
11)I believe to my soul: Ray Charles
12)Hope there’s someone: Antony and the Johnsons
13)Wayfaring stranger: The Anita Kerr Quartet
14)Heartbeats: Jose Gonzales
15)Funny (not so much): Walter Jackson
16)Just to keep you satisfied: Marvin Gaye

Answers for questions vol. 105


Litte secret, it’s my birthday today. Nothing like a glorious monday to celebrate another year of getting older. Fuck, I’m old. Apparently I share a barfday with Bruno Mars, Nick Cannon , Matt Damon and Sigourny Weaver. Now THAT sounds like a party!
Anyway, send me more questions! LEave them in the comments below or send them to my email phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Keep them interesting!

describe the perfect sandwich
This is simply an impossible question. I love sandwiches far to much to whittle it down to the perfect one. To give you an idea of how open I am to a good sandwich, I’ll describe the sandwich I’ve eaten the most in my life. It’s a shitty and slapped together but, using it as a template, imagine how ahrd it would be for me to come up with “the perfect sandwich”.
I used to come home from school and be ravenously hungry. I don’t cook shit so i’d always make a sandwich with whatever was in the fridge. This is where I discovered my go to choice of sandwich: Breaded chicken cutlet, provolone, a shit ton of mayo, on a roll (preferably but I’ve certainly done it a billion times on wonderbread) , microwaved till the cheese melts. That’s it. simple. Now, it’s not the best sandwich or even remotely perfect but it has done the job for me over the years countless times. When i get it from a deli though, I have them add lettuce and tomato.

Okay, so will.i.am and his ilk are an obvious target due to the truly dreadful things they have done in the name of “music” and “entertainment,” but as someone who was once in a actual relatively credible hip-hop group, and now makes music for 10-year olds (or people with the critical faculties of a 10-year old), I can’t help thinking – does he actually think what he does is good? Or is it all just about the $$$$ now? Or do people like him manage to convince themselves what they do is worthwhile, to save themselves from the horrible truth which could only possibly result in a spectacular suicide attempt live on national TV?

Does he stroll around his gold-plated mansion laughing to himself, and then catch himself in the mirror, a solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he realises what he’s done? As much as I’d like to think that’s true, probably not. I guess it’s probably depressingly true that 9 out of 10 people would make gladly compromise their “art” given a big enough pay-check, so he’s just an example of that, right?

First off, I’d life to clarify that the only good music he’s ever made was with the Atban Klan, which wasn’t even that good cause of him. The beats (that he didn’t make) were great.

I often hear people speak of “The glory days” of the Black Eyed peas as if , before fergie joined them , they weren’t shitty. Well, they were. They were a corny Roots knock off with three dudes who were decent at impersonating rappers. Just wanted to clear that up. like this song is “Nice try” but let’s not pretend it was good or anything.

As for the question, I think Will.I.AM. goes into the studio and thinks “Okay, what kinda hit can I make today?”. I don’t think he’s got an ounce of integrity in his body. I think he’s a capable producer and has a good ear for pop music (IE the lowest common denominator) but that’s it. Otherwise, his entire existence, musically, is pandering to people with terrible taste in everything.
I think he walks around feeling good about himself cause he’s been in the music business for 20 years and he’s been successful. For some reason, I don’t imagine his morals or guilt of being a hack come into play much. Why would it? He probably like his music. He probably likes dressing up in outfits that look like how people in the 1950’s imagined people in 2000 would dress like. I think he’s perfectly content. I also think he will die old and be showered with accolades his entire life…cause that’s just how this kinda shit works. He will be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame when he’s 70 where he and the two remaining Black Eyed Peas will perform “Let’s get retarded in here” while sitting down. It will be awesome.
Btw, in case you missed this,I wrote about a black eyed peas video game a while back…
https://phatfriend.com/2011/06/30/if-i-made-the-black-eyed-peas-video-game/

Why do straight women feel qualified to give opinions of the attractiveness of other women to men?

Well, I think everyone feels qualified to give their opinions on anything, but I know what you’re talking about. When straight women and gay dudes set the standard for what’s “Attractive” in other women, it’s a bit of a head scratcher. (Un)Luckily for us, that’s who creates most of the fashion we see so I’m never shocked when shit like high waisted jeans or airy blouses are in fashion…cause it sure as hell ain’t straight dudes deciding that.
It’s a funny topic cause men are pretty much low lives when it comes to what we find attractive. We’re very visceral. If we decided what was the right way to look, it would be hard for women to walk around the streets without being attacked constantly. It would be all bare midriff, yoga pants and cleavage. Women, in general, tend to look at different things. The things I’ve heard women cite as beautiful or unattractive about other women are usually shit most guys don’t even notice or disagree with wholeheartedly. While i feel as every one, regardless of gender, can appreciate some nice big tits, I’d say most girls would not be into and cannot appreciate fat asses. In fact, if you tell a (white) girl she has a fat ass, as a compliment, she will slap the shit out of you. But little do they know that even the most straight laced white dude has a secret hankering to fuck whoever is on the cover of “King” magazine at any given month.
The standard of beauty put forth by fashion (IE gay guys and other women) is tall and skinny but the reality of it is most dudes i know would much rather take a 5’2” girl with body and a little extra weight on her over that in a heartbeat. That said, they have to be tall and skinny cause it’s about clothing and how it photographs and hangs off the body. Tall and skinny just happens to work for that particular thing. It’s just too bad that that somehow become the standard in which so many girls aspire for.

I’ve seen you write a couple times about your hatred of animals, yet you use animal pictures in all your question answering entries. Are they used ironically? Why this seeming contradiction?

Let me be clear, I don’t hate animals. I hate cats. Fuck cats. With other animals, I’m more just completely indifferent. I have no feelings either way towards them.
That said, I do think pictures of animals can be cute. That’s pretty much the only way I can appreciate them…in photos. I don’t wanna hang with them and roll on the ground. I’d rather just take a glimpse of a happy hamster making a funny face or a bunny pushing a grocery cart. I started putting animals as the header pic on this column for no reason other that I wanted something with a little continuity. That’s pretty much all it is. I enjoy those pictures…but you will never see a house cat picture ever. That’s where i draw the line. This isn’t your instagram.

If in the future robot servants are invented, what would you use yours for? Common chores, maybe pranks, sexual gratification, what?

I mean, I doubt I could afford one but, if I could it would obviously just clean up after me and do everything I don’t feel like doing. I’m not really a prankster so I don’t think i’d ask a robot to do that. I also don’t think i could stick my dick into what imagine to be a souped up toaster over so sex is out. That would be really fucked up if they came up with that kind of technology and the final result was a bunch of dudes hunching over , fucking a toaster.

I just wanted to know your opinion on god, spirituality, that whole thing. What religion you are, etc.

To be honest, I don’t believe in anything that pertains to religion. Obviously, I can’t definitively say if there is a god or not but I side heavily with the prospect that there probably isn’t.
I don’t even buy spirituality. To me, it’s all just some made up shit that people use to explain things they don’t understand and to validate feelings they can’t explain.
I simply can’t put faith into something that was man made thousands of years ago. Everything was based on fear and superstition. I understand that the bible teaches people how to live the right way but , personally, I find common sense and decency dictates that just as well without all the extra bullshit rules that were made up by people who didn’t have refrigeration and clean water yet.
I wasn’t raised with any specific religion. My mom is a WASP and my dad was a jew. We celebrated christmas and went to church for weddings and funerals. That said, they didn’t deter me from it. I remember once year we tried to do Passover and all of us were like “wait…so what is this?”. But, to be honest, I didn’t question religion or even think about it until i got to college. It simply wasn’t prevalent enough. I assumed there was a god and that was that. Then, I recall being a freshman in college and thinking “wait a minute…there’s a god…in the sky? who watches over EVERYONE?”And like that, I had my santa claus moment and didn’t believe any of that shit ever again. It was literally a 25 second internal conversation and there was nothing inside me that could rationalize all those things i had grown to know as “fact”. Since then, I’ve made more and more distance from religion as I’ve seen the negative effects it can have.
To be honest, religion terrifies me. Not to say I’m against people who are religious but I’m more just scared of the depths it can go and how eaisly some people can use it as a means to do terrible things. When you think about all the fucked up things in the world and how much of that is directly related to religious nuts, it’s not a good feeling. I’m not just talking crazy muslims or christian fundamentalists. When taken to an extreme, all religions (except maybe buddhism) can be dangerous and unhealthy for those involved. Putting all your faith into something that isn’t palpable just seems so obviously short sighted to me…but to many it’s all they’ve ever known so questioning it doesn’t even make sense. But, to be honest, the thing that scares me the most is the fact that other peoples beliefs can somehow effect my life. The second that shit starts slipping into the white house and law making, that’s when things get hairy. It has no business being anywhere but in a church/mosque ect…and it should be a personal thing. Not something you push onto all those around you. It’s those types I can’t handle. I’m just glad i live in a place where 95% of the people in come across don’t give a flying fuck about it.
I have friends who are religious and it’s not a big deal. I don’t think less of them for it. But they’re also not crazy and they all have their feet planted firmly in reality. That’s all i ask. But, for me, personally, I’ll pass. The bible’s just another book. Besides, I practice Baduizm. just kidding, fuck that shit too.

Here’s a remix I made of FIona Apple’s “Hot Knife”


Let me explain how this happened…
Touring isn’t all parties and cocaine. In fact, it’s never either of those things for me. In most cases, it’s hanging in a hotel room , trolling people on the internet. In the case of my recent european tour, it was me, jet lagged out of my skull , awake at stupid hours with nothing to do and nowhere to go. When this happens, I’ve often found myself just playing around on Ableton , working on beats for the hell of it. During this recent tour, I found myself in the midst of a deep obsession with Fiona Apple’s newest album “The idler wheel…”. I mean, it’s literally all I listened to the entire week. I don’t wanna harp on it too much but , you know, it’s a great album. But what piqued my interest , from a remix perspective, is that many of the songs are made up of nothing but vocals, piano and some light percussion. It’s very open. I immediately wanted to remix one of the songs but her song writing style is so unpredictable it was hard to find one that stay in the same time signature and key. It took me a little time to pick but I landed on “Hot Knife” as it stayed in one key and had an almost hip hoppish quality to it in the sense of how her vocals flowed.
Now, I just wanna clarify a few things:
1)This is not a sanctioned remix. I did it 100% for fun.I have no intent of selling it ever and I’ll pretty much just be giving it away in this very post.
2)I’m not exactly trying to re-invent the wheel with this remix. It’s just me fucking around on my computer with whatever I had on my computer at that time. The drums and samples are both just things I had sitting around on my hard drive.
Okay, so , here it is…

http://www.divshare.com/download/19729395-ba3

On a side note, I kinda went to high school with Fiona Apple. I say “kinda” cause she went to the night school version of my high school. I think part of the night school deal was to work in the office during the day. She was “the hot girl in the office” that me (and many other 17 year old boys) would walk extra slowly by the office with hopes of catching a glimpse. I never spoke to her or anything but two years later I saw her on MTV and was like “Holy shit! That’s the hot girl from the office!”. So, yeah, that’s my Fiona Apple story. Cool story, me.

My trip to europe!!! Tales from the darkside.


So, as you may know, I was in Europe last week doing some shows. It was the first time I had been touring out there in over 7 years so I was pretty excited about getting back out there. However, what I was not excited about was the brutal jet lag and lack of sleep I’d be getting but, hey, those type of things are all part of this job and it’s better dealing with that once every few months than working in an office.

So, this here is going to be my rehash of the entire trip. Instead of mapping out the entire thing like some mind numbing slide show, I’m just gonna randomly talk about thinks I noticed, as well as a few things that happened. This will not be brief so , if you’re not a fan of words, just stop reading right here.

I’m a huge proponent of bullet points so, let’s roll with that…
Just to run it down:
First I went to Berlin. Then to Budapest, Lithuania, Moscow and St, Petersburg. I had two days in berlin and the rest of the places I was in for half a day each.
I like to preface all that I’m about to write by explaining that I’m admittedly a dumb american. I’m a fish out of water when i go down south so you can imagine me in a place where people are talking a different language. That said, I’ve also traveled more than most people. I’ve been to many , many cites all over the world. So, keep both of those things in mind. I know stuff and I’m always respectful of other places when I’m there but I’m also fairly ignorant and enjoy to make fun of peoples differences.

1)European babies/children are mad european

Before I even boarded the the plane, I saw all these little schnitzel eating mother fuckers running around. It’s funny cause the difference is so subtle yet so clear. While an american baby might be wearing some little t-shirt and sneaker combo, the euro baby will be wearing some swiss miss overalls and a tiny soccer jersey. I wanna say they were wearing wooded shoes but I’d be lying. But let’s just say they might has well have been. Ever heard a german baby speak? It’s fucking weird.

2)Food that has no business being in Germany
While in Berlin I was pretty much stranded. I mean, I could walk around but I didn’t know where the fuck I was or how to get around so I pretty much stayed within a close distance to my hotel. When it came time to eat, it was a hard choice. Eating in foreign countries is weird cause you can’t read the menu’s. So, what you end up doing is looking for places that have pictures on the walls so you can at least make sure you’re not gonna accidentally order dog dick soup in a jizz based creme fresh. The thing about european cuisine (low end cuisine) is that they like what they like. Some shit that is totally normal there may be something your mouth is simply not ready for. I mean, shit, have you seen their potato chips? They got flavors like “Tripe and chocolate”. So, Basically, you end up ordering what seems most familiar simply to be safe. This way of thinking bought me to eating a burrito in germany. How the fuck mexican food found it’s way to germany is beyond me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a large mexican population ANYWHERE in europe, let alone Berlin. But, i said fuck it and ate there. You know what? It wasn’t terrible. It was better than taco bell but worse than Chipotle.
As for the sushi, I just avoided it. Something about german sushi just doesn’t sit right with me.

3)There is mad graffiti in Europe

It’s crazy how much there is. It’s everywhere and it seems like it never gets taken down. I asked a local about it and they told me that it’s simply too much work to take it all down so they just leave it be. This results in many parts of european cites looking like the background on the video game Double Dragon.

4)No one Jaywalks
Maybe it’s a new york thing but this bugged me out. People literally stood and waited for the lights to change to cross the streets, regardless of car activity. To me, that’s some next level shit. I followed suit though cause the last thing I need to do is get arrested for crossing the street in Germany.

5)Non-lesbian shaved head women everywhere

This is just specific to Germany but I saw tons of bald headed hoes. Not brute dykes or even punk rock nazi looking girls. Just normal , feminine ladies with shaved heads. It wasn’t a good look. I’ve said this before about things like shaved heads on ladies but if you look great with a shaved head, you’ll always look better with hair. Even if you can pull it off doesn’t make it better, it just means you can pull it off. But , hey, that’s the style out there so who am I to say anything.

6)The art of the backhanded compliment
i don’t know what it is about europeans but they are masters of the back handed compliment. Perhaps it’s cause of the language differences and they’re working with limited words but on more than one occasion I came across a dude who would tell me how much he liked my albums EXCEPT that one album he thinks was terrible. While I appreciate the honesty, I also didn’t ask for his opinion. On the other hand, in america, when a dude does that, he annoying presents it as him “being real” as opposed to him being ” a dipshit”.

7) I’m a dipshit
When I’m in a foreign country where everyone is speaking broken english to me, I have this thing where I find myself speaking broken english back to them. Like I’ll say “you come to show tonight, yes?”. It makes no fucking sense but I had to stop myself from doing it repeatedly over the course of the trip.
A similar thing that came up was when a stranger would just start talking to me in the native language and I’d just look at them and say “english”. Looking back, this is kinda rude. I found myself greeting everyone with a “Hello” just to put it out there that “hey, we got an ignorant american over here who hasn’t bothered even learning the most basic aspects of your native language”. I gotta say though, the “hello” worked pretty well.

8)The shit show
So, it’s the third day of our tour and we’re playing in Vilnius, Lithuania. A place I’ve never been to (I had also never heard of it prior to seeing the announced show dates). As we get to sound check, I open my computer. A computer, I might add , that is 100% how I do my live shows. I turn it on and the screen goes white…and stays white. Eventually, a little folder pops up in the middle of the screen with a “?” inside of is. I had never seen this before. I asked around the venue and eventually had a dude on his computer looking into ways to fix this. Nothing was working. The computer was dead. It was coming to a point where a solution had to be invented cause there was no way I was performing my live set that night. My tour buddy, DJ Cam, figured my only choice would be to do a dj set. Now, he was correct. Aside from canceling the next three shows and pissing off a lot of people while trapped in a land far, far away from home, a dj set was my only option. He was using Serato so all I had to do was load in all my albums into his computer and pick what songs to play. but here’s the thing, I’m not a DJ. I’ve “DJ’d” before but it didn’t involved mixing. It was just playing songs. So, I had to make do and “blend” songs the best I could. I did the show and it went as well as I could hope. Luckily , the crowd attending was more there just to party and didn’t really give a shit what I played.
The next day, we flew into Russia. I was told they had an apple store there and had faint hopes of maybe fixing this situation. Well, long story short, it didn’t happen and I had to finish the rest of the dates with a half baked DJ set. To the people who came, my apologies but it was that or nothing. To be honest, the show went over insanely well in Moscow. Like people were cheering and clapping whenever I did anything. I wish every show was like that. The St. Petersburg show was not received quite as well cause, apparently, the Andy Milonokis looking promoter was mad that I had promoted this as a “Live set”. he was also a cock sucker so i don’t really feel bad about it. The fans were great though.
I have since gotten home and it turned out what happened was the wire connecting my hard drive to my computer got fucked up. I went to Tek-Serve and got it fixed in five minutes (shout out to my boy paolo, who has saved my life more than once with the computers). Still, I was a panicky mess for a good 48 hours in a country where I could not have felt more isolated from the world as i know it. No fun.

9)All smiles

Not a lot of smiling going on in the streets of Russia. The people were nice but walking around the streets of Moscow will make you think smiling is a capitol offense. When I asked russians about this they just kinda shrugged and said “Yeah, it’s like that out here.”

10)Fear in Russia
I can’t front, i was a little shook in Russia. Not cause it was dangerous but cause I felt completely helpless there. Aside from not having a phone and also not having a working computer , it’s one of those places that i could see myself just vanishing in. Like, had I gotten separated from the group i was traveling with, you wouldn’t ever hear from me again. It reminded me of the time I was in a small upstate NY town where there was no phone service and everything closed at 8 pm. You break your leg at 8:15 in the forrest, you’re pretty much a dead man. In Russia, while it’s has millions of people everywhere, there’s a distinct feeling of “I don’t know if I belong here”. i’m speaking about just walking around. Like i said, the people were all very nice and it wasn’t a scary place at all (at least, not where I was). But between the language barrier and the fact they use a different alphabet, it was intimidating.

11) And the award for hottest girls goes too…

Lithuania?!?!? Yup. holy shit.
You know how people will often say that some of the hottest women in the world come from eastern europe? It’s for a reason. Not just Lithuania. Russia , in general, was no slouch either. I noticed that they tend to be taller and leaner than you’re typical american hot girl. More Model like. I’m not even really a huge fan of that look but their faces were undeniable. Some were blonde , some looked half asian, some looked like James Bond girlfriends. I didn’t even get to Prague but I’ve been told that’s the jewel of eastern europe. So, yeah, don’t sleep on Baltic broads.

12)Getting hit on in broken english
Even with a language barrier, groupies are universal. I had a few funny situations pop over over the week but , being the good boyfriend that I am, I kept it in my pants. Getting hit on by girls at shows in europe is very different then when it happens in the states. In the states, it’s very overt and almost kinda cheesy. It’s rushed flirting with a lot of dependency on “what are you up to after the show?”. But, if nothing else, it’s very succinct. In europe , however, it’s a whole different ball game. The trouble with speaking english leads the girls to say amazing shit like “I have the strong feelings about you” and they often mis-use the perfect word that would make someone think “Um, i think this girl is deeply in love with me” when , in reality, she just doesn’t know the word for “hook up”. It’s similar to the way europeans give backhanded compliments. It’s all due to the language barrier and a limited vocabulary. Either way, getting hit on in any language is fun but I got a kick out of hearing a russian girl trying to figure out a way to say she was down to get down.

13)Sleep no more/old people are the worst

My last show was in St. Petersburg and I had a 6 am flight that morning after the show. We got back to the hotel around 2 am and I had a cab coming to pick me up to take me to the airport at 3:45 am. So, sleeping wasn’t an option. I had been up since 8 that morning but there really was no choice. I had a 15 hour travel day ahead of me due to taking connecting flights from St, Petersburg to Frankfurt, Germany all the was back to NYC. It was one of those situations where I couldn’t even calculate how much time it would take cause of all the different timezones and the lay over. All I knew was I was leaving at 6 am and arriving back in NY at 11:30 am. Sounds like nothing right? WRONG.
The St. Petersburg airport was a mess. There were like 4 check points and it appeared that all the people on my flight to Frankfurt were a tourist group of american senior citizens. Not just any senior citizens, these were a bunch of back woods southern idiots who were wearing american flag hats and all had on name tags. Little known fact about old people: They don’t know how to do ANYTHING. You should have seen them at the automated check in. It might as well have been the fucking Monolith from “2001: A space odyssey). Every part of boarding a plane was like it just got invented right there. “wait, we get in a line? I don’t understand.”
Think “Lord of Flies” but much slower and with far less violence.
Old people do not give a fuck. I was in line, red eyed and in a general haze. These motherfuckers were just cutting in front of me like I didn’t exist. Old people are nothing if not entitled, especially when out of the united states. I realize you’re supposed to respect your elders but these people had crossed the line of being old into simply being burlap sacks of shit that consume food and air and get their powers from pictures of grand children.
The funniest thing to me about it is that these sheltered fossils , who probably happily live in small towns where Papa johns pizza is considered exotic cuisine, decide to take trip to a place so far out of their comfort zone that they can’t possibly enjoy it. Like how long must they have spent walking around Moscow looking for a place to get some chicken friend steak?
I sat behind them , listening to them complain about their grandkids and their plans for when they get home. It was depressing. Just being around them I realized that there’s a definitive cut off age for when I need to be alive till. And it’s before I become one of those pieces of shit.

Anyway, because I’m a moron, I don’t sleep well on planes and I ended up being awake for about 50 straight hours. I dunno if you’ve deprived yourself of that much sleep without involving meth or cocaine but it’s Preeeeeeety awesome. It’s thursday now and I’m finally starting to feel like a human again. What can i say. I love my job!

I would like to add that, despite the complaining here, I did have a good time. The shows all went well , especially considering what happened to my computer, and it’s always cool to see new places. Hopefully I’ll be making it out the Europe more often…and my computer won’t break. A man can dream.