Awwwww yeah. Another chance for the good Dr. to dole out that unwanted advice. This is that thing where you guys send me questions of the heart and I try and tell you what’s wrong with you. I’m not a licensed anything but I’ve been told I’m a straight shooter who gives honest , unbiased advice. That’s better than having a degree, right?
Anyway, send me more questions like this to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I’m here to help.
Here are this weeks questions:
I have this friend i have been talking to for 7 months both on here and the phone, but here in the past 2 months she doesnt call like she used to. she told me the other day that i have the type of personality she is looking for and wants, and that we have alot in common. But so far for the past week or two, she has been seeing this guy, who she said she kinda likes, she said he isnt for her tho, and that he isnt her type, and that she wishes he had certain things in common with him that she does with me. she said he is conceited and kinda too manly for his own good…like and asshole and a nice guy at the same time and that her and i could have alot of fun together, and she feels that i would never hurt her, and that i want a family and im respobsible and not on drugs (shes right ). anyway……. i feel bad about this, because i want to be her friend still..but i feel like this isnt good…….i really like her alot, and i send her stuff all the time..(well as much as i can anyways), but anyways besides that……what do you think? she is 28 and im 39.(which i know should send a red flag right there)….she doesnt really ever seem to lie to me about anything (i guess ,even as stupid as that sounds), but i just dont know anymore. she said she still plans to come here and meet and hang out and see what happens between us, but that it will have to wait till she gets her school check and car in order……….. i would go out and about around here, but 10 years of living here..and the relations i have had……none of the girls around here dig me any longer than a few months till they used me up or some shit.. lol……………….i would love to think that me waiting on her is a good thing, but im just not sure….oh and we never met before lol..just here and the phone…but like i said she wants to come here……should i continue to believe that and be her friend and let her go out and get screwed haha…..or just stop all together? i know this sounds stupid and im old enough to know better from my past….but still it eats at me…….
Holy shit man. So many red flags here I don’t even know where to begin. You are getting strung along and played on an epic level. I’m assuming you have money (as you alluded to other girls using you before) and you live somewhere far away from this girl. What is there to gain by trying to date this girl? I’d bet a hefty wage that she’s out doing all the things she’s leading you to believe she doesn’t want (drugs, partying, fucking the guy who’s “Too manly” and loving it). It sounds to me you’re a back pocket exit strategy that she never really intends to use. I mean, perhaps, if something truly awful happened to her and she had to get out of town then, MAYBE, she’d come stay with you for a week or two. But there is no long term anything happening here. I’m not saying you should pull the plug on it totally (but it wouldn’t be the worst idea) But stop giving her gifts. Stop being her emotional tampon. See what happens after that. If she sticks around after the handouts stop then reconsider. But, I have a feeling, she’ll be long gone at the first sign that you have wised up.
what do you think about the girl next door? like literally the apartment next to you, worth a try or don’t even bother?
It’s definitely shitting where you eat. There’s an aspect to it that is fantastic. But, in order for that to work on any level , I’d say you either have to have long term plans with that girl or be a cold blooded vaginal assassin. Meaning, you’re going to see her ALL THE TIME. You either gotta wife her up or prepare for constant awkwardness whenever you’re walking in your door.
The thing about shitting where you eat is that it’s , at first, a lot of fun. There’s an excitement to the closeness of it all. But the second it grows thin or something goes wrong, you’re now stuck with a situation that’s pretty much unavoidable.
I’d say this is even worse than sleeping with a co-worker cause, at least, you can go home after work. In this case, that neighbor will be very aware of your dealings. You have a new girl over? She probably knows.
Best case scenario (outside of becoming a couple, I suppose) if having a playful one night stand where you’re both on the same page. Maybe have a casual hook up relationship with no strings attached. If that’s doable at a leisurely pace, you can ride that out until it eventually blows up in your face. Otherwise…just let it go. Maybe set your sights on a girl that doesn’t share a wall with you.
yo blockhead, i got one for you. so i recently got out of this relationship with this girl that i was really dependant on. like, i would literally text her everything from going to the store for a pack of reds to taking a dump. pretty strange no? anyway, it ended up badly cuz i guess i was too dependant and she decided she wanted her space. forever. so i dont know what to do anymore, and ive ended up going out everyday getting drunk. ive been mising a lot of my college classes and i think im going to drop out because of grades. however, i met this other girl recently(she speaks french, isnt that awesome?) and well, in a spawn of a couple days of knowing each other, she gave me gifts and i talk to her a lot. however, sometimes i see her talking with some other guy and (i know it sounds stalkerlike) i would deliberately pass her to see if she looks up like i would with her. question is, what should i do? im still hurt over the other girl and now i have feelings for this new girl. problem is, i dont know if this girl likes me enough to go out with me because shes interested one day, but ignores me the next.
First off, you gotta chill out dude. I don’t know if you’re naturally insecure, jealous or dependent (or all of the above) but those are not qualities you wanna bring to the table. I realize you can rationalize those things as being sweet and thoughtful but, to most girls, you’re gonna rub them the wrong way and they’re not going to want anything to do with you. Get some confidence in yourself. Why do you feel the need to smother these girls? Are you afraid if you let them out of your sight that someone else is going to snatch them away from you? There comes a time when “caring” begins to become “Obsessing” and that kinda shit freaks people out. Both men and women. So, first and foremost, either try to control that or go to a shrink and talk about it. It’s not healthy and you’ll find that , if not taken care of, every relationship you have will most likely end cause of your issues.
Now, as for the new girl, it’s hard to say what she thinks. I’m not her. Just judging from what you wrote, it sounds like she’s casually flirty. She MIGHT like you but she also might like a few dudes. It doesn’t seem to me that she’s committal to anyone so you freaking out over that and who she may or may not be hooking up with is pretty much a waste of time. Those other people aren’t your concern or your business. If you like her, act on it. But, also, keep in mind that you’re still hurt over the last girl and could be grasping at straws right now. It’s clear you need attention from women so it’s not impossible you’re reading into a few friendly conversations as something more.
Whatever the case, I can’t stress this enough. FALL BACK. The more you smother girls , the less they’ll like you. If you don’t stop, prepare for a life of scratching your head and wondering why all the girls you like end up with indifferent acting dudes who seem like they don’t give a shit.
Hey Dr. T,
This is going to take a while to explain but I feel like I could use your sage advice. Anyway, here it goes.
I dated this girl since my last year in high school. We got along great, she made me really happy and she was caring, non-judging, non-jealous, pretty much perfect girlfriend. We were head over heels for each other. Then we go to college, she goes off to the east-coast (ivy league) and I go to a CC and plan on transferring (not necessarily to a school near her just to a good school for my major). Needless to say, things got rocky. We would argue and fight over the dumbest shit and we both knew it was all insignificant stuff and would always make up afterward. After about a year of this we both feel worn out. On one of her breaks she comes to visit and we decide it would be best to “take a break.”
We end up hooking up the same night and stay friends with benefits. so basically nothing changes except we don’t have labels and there’s the possibility of either of us hooking up with another person. Both of us are kind of awkward about even getting to that point with someone else so this doesn’t ever really become a problem. Everything is fine for a while when I really start to regret being on this “break”. She hinted at getting back together but I always dismissed it because I didn’t want to have the distance push us further apart like it had done in the begining. I realize I’m in love with her and finally decide to tell her when she’s home on her next break (this is during her last year of school btw). When she comes home I’m all excited but she won’t even let me kiss her. she tells me she met this guy who she says she’s kinda interested in but nothing serious and that she doesn’t see anything coming from it except most likely sex and that he’ll be in another part of the country by the time school ends.
I tell her how I feel about her and that we should get back together but she says it’s not a good idea and gives me a flat out, “no.” She says the only way it might work out is if I give her some time (i.e. after she’s fucked this dude and comes home after this internship thing she’s doing). She says she trusts me with her life and that she’s still loyal to me (idk wtf thats supposed to mean since she’s obviously planning on boning this dude). So of course I’m heartbroken. I tell her to quite literally fuck off and I haven’t said a word to her since (its been a few months).
I was with her for about 5 years and we were each other’s best friend and supported each other through A LOT of shit. In many ways she was the only real friend I had.
So now I’m wondering do I just move on? Should i even try to pick up the pieces? I feel like a divorcee. I’ve been trying to talk to other girls but halfway into a conversation with them, I don’t really give a fuck what happens with them, I just want a love like the relationship I had with my ex and I know some random chick that wants to fuck is definitely not going to fill that void.
Teenaged(and college) love is a motherfucker. It seems so serious and important at the time. Like nothing else with ever come along again. But you’re young. Very young, in fact. This is one of those life experiences that makes you stronger. Everyone has that first love, they learn from it and it makes them better for the next person they meet (or worse depending if we’re talking about a single 38 year old who’s been through like 5 of these soul draining relationships).
I’m not saying give up hope on this girl. She sounds like she’s just trying to see what’s out there. I wouldn’t write it off that there’s a chance that she might come back around at some point. The problem with that is how long it might take. There’s no time limit on “soul searching” so this one guy could be the first in a chain of dudes for her. You’ll never know so sitting on your hands waiting for her isn’t going to help anything. My advice to you would be to live you life like you would if she wasn’t in it. If she comes back around down the line, assess the situation and make a wise choice. Don’t throw everything away just cause she texted you one day. Also, our minds do crazy things in situations like this. For some reason, when we’ve been separated from someone we care about, we only can remember the good parts. That person gets so idealized in our heads that , by the time they come back around, it’s not even the same person. So , look out for that. Keep a level head and don’t deprive yourself of living on account of what another person does. You may not be into it now but a year down the line, you’ll be back to normal and , possibly, enjoying single life. Don’t let your brain deprive your dick of the best years of your life.