You never stop growing up. Sure, some people stay marooned in a state of lifelong childishness but even they learn some things along the way. Like everyone else on the planet, I could look back at things I thought just 3 years ago and laugh at how naive/short sighted I was. This living thing is a process. And, as an homage to this process I figured it would be fun to list “truths” i have believed over the course of my life that i would later learn were not so. These are things that, at whatever time it was, I would have gone to the grave believing to be as factual as 1+1=2. These are also things that, now, I know are hilariously off point.
I’m sure we all have our own so feel free to add on in the comments if you have any particularly embarrassing ones.
1) Vaginas are a mound of hair with a line down the middle. The line started a few inches below the belly button and ended somewhere around where the clit actually was (age 5-9)
What the fuck did I know? I was a kid. But if you asked me to draw a vagina at age 7, you’d get something like this:
My only experience with seeing naked women at that point was peaking at playboys (they didn’t show vagina lips back then) and glancing at nude models my dad had posing for him when he was making art. In both cases, I was dealing with hirsute ladies so , honestly, I don’t even feel bad about thinking that. For all i know there could have been a small dozer village under that hair. PS: I loved the Fraggle rock back then.
2)Ras Kass is the greatest rapper of all time. (age 17-18)
When you’re a teen, you’re impressionable. You’re also very passionate about things you hold dear to your heart. I was a huge hip hop nerd and one of those annoying purist types who joyfully would argue about shit like “who’s the best lyricist” when ever I could. At that time, it was a growing period for hip hop. The year was 94 and shit was exploding. Because of this explosion, there were all these awesome new rappers coming out. I first heard Ras Kass on a 12” he had dropped called “Remain anonymous/won’t catch me runnin”. I was obsessed with it but it wasn’t until I heard his verse on “Comewiddit” that I came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, the best rapper to ever rap rap. Second verse yall…
I went to the lengths of typing out his verse and picking it apart on an old rap message board I posted at in order to make my case for Ras Kass’s lyrical dominance. Then I got an advance copy of his debut full length , “Soul on ice” and my head exploded.
I don’t quite recall when I had the realization that I may have jumped the gun on my anointing him the rap king of the universe but I’d guess it was sometime around when he dropped his second album. Just a hunch.
3)There is no better movie than “Police Academy 3:Back in training” (age 10)
I don’t know if that movie was written by another 10 year old or if Bobcat Goldthwait really just spoke to my soul but, goddamn, did I love that movie. I saw it in the theater 4 times. FOUR FUCKING TIMES! It’s funny cause, looking back now, it’s hard for me to even differentiate part 3 from part 1 and 2. I do remember thinking a scene where a guys cat shat in his cereal and he ate it anyway being pretty much as funny as anything could be. I haven’t seen the movie since early high school but I have a strange feeling it might not have held up too well.
4)When a girl is giving you head, the more cum the better (age 17-20)
I think I’ve mentioned this before on here but whatever. When I was at that tender age of absolute horniness and complete cluelessness about the fairer sex, I would always take thursdays off from my busy masturbation schedule cause, on the off chance I get any action that following friday, I would impress the young ladies with my voluminous load. Cause, as everyone knows, when a girl is giving you head, the more cum you give her, the happier she is. The funniest things about this was the little amount of play i was getting in general and , with that in mind, my insane assumption that , if i did hook up, a blow job would obviously be happening.
I’d also like to add that, even though we live in the porno age where girls actually say shit like “I love cum!” , I’m still not buying it. I’m sure there is a visual aspect to it that can be exciting for some of you but I’m sure when it’s in your mouth, you’re not begging for a double shot. I’d imagine it’s like eating oysters. As much as you ladies love them, every now and then you’ll get one that’s too big and it’ll make you want to vomit. Also, as i’ve said before, oysters are sea jizz so this comparison is actually perfect.
5)Models are better than me (age 15-25)
Listen, I’m not a guy who’s ever bagged models. I never have and I never will be. Luckily for me, tall skinny girls are not my thing but still, there is always stigma with them. For years, i viewed them as this superior beings who smoked cigarettes and only spoke to you if you were rich and famous. Well, while that’s not totally wrong, what I did overlook was that they’re also young girls who are just as insecure and fucked up as any fat girl. In fact, I’d venture to say they’re even worse cause they’re whole existence relies on looking a certain way.
I remember walking down the street and seeing some model looking girl and being intimidated by even looking at them. Like they knew something I didn’t. Turns out though, they did know something I didn’t. As 18 year olds, they knew that if you do coke with the right photographer and suck the right dick, it can help your career. I didn’t know that till waaaaaay later.
I also remember seeing dudes I knew from around the way chilling with models. These were shrimpy little dipshits who threw parties at clubs. THOSE guys were the ones fucking these girls. That’s when it all become clear to me how much of a joke all that shit was.
Nowadays, I kinda hate models. Not as much as I hate strippers but close. I don’t desire them. I don’t give a shit about their life. Maybe five years from now I’ll look back on this opinion as comical but , where I stand now? Fuck’em.
6)Chicken Mcnuggets are the finest food in all the land (age 12-18)
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still fuck up some Mcnuggets. Granted, nowadays I eat at Mcdonalds maybe once every two years…but when I do, I’m housing some Mcnuggets.
But back in the day? Shiiiiiiiiit. A 20 piece (extra bbq sauce was crucial), fries and soda was like the perfect meal. I’d eat that shit before school if I could and then play basketball for two hours with it sloshing around in my gut. I didn’t give a fuck. Nowadays, If i were to eat like 5 mcnuggets it takes me about 15 minutes before I’m sweating on the toilet.
It’s funny to think about it cause you could have bought me the finest meal in all the land and put it against a mediocre batch of Mcnuggets (you know, they’re a little dry or you get one of those hard chunks) and I’d still tell the entire Top Chef judge panel that Mcnuggets got the win.
I’m glad I’ve grown out of that phase cause I’d be a 400 pound diabetic right now if I hadn’t.
This list could be endless but I’mma cut it off here. You get the idea. Oh youth, you’re so fucking embarrassing.