Things I once believed to be facts

You never stop growing up. Sure, some people stay marooned in a state of lifelong childishness but even they learn some things along the way. Like everyone else on the planet, I could look back at things I thought just 3 years ago and laugh at how naive/short sighted I was. This living thing is a process. And, as an homage to this process I figured it would be fun to list “truths” i have believed over the course of my life that i would later learn were not so. These are things that, at whatever time it was, I would have gone to the grave believing to be as factual as 1+1=2. These are also things that, now, I know are hilariously off point.
I’m sure we all have our own so feel free to add on in the comments if you have any particularly embarrassing ones.

1) Vaginas are a mound of hair with a line down the middle. The line started a few inches below the belly button and ended somewhere around where the clit actually was (age 5-9)
What the fuck did I know? I was a kid. But if you asked me to draw a vagina at age 7, you’d get something like this:

My only experience with seeing naked women at that point was peaking at playboys (they didn’t show vagina lips back then) and glancing at nude models my dad had posing for him when he was making art. In both cases, I was dealing with hirsute ladies so , honestly, I don’t even feel bad about thinking that. For all i know there could have been a small dozer village under that hair. PS: I loved the Fraggle rock back then.

2)Ras Kass is the greatest rapper of all time. (age 17-18)
When you’re a teen, you’re impressionable. You’re also very passionate about things you hold dear to your heart. I was a huge hip hop nerd and one of those annoying purist types who joyfully would argue about shit like “who’s the best lyricist” when ever I could. At that time, it was a growing period for hip hop. The year was 94 and shit was exploding. Because of this explosion, there were all these awesome new rappers coming out. I first heard Ras Kass on a 12” he had dropped called “Remain anonymous/won’t catch me runnin”. I was obsessed with it but it wasn’t until I heard his verse on “Comewiddit” that I came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, the best rapper to ever rap rap. Second verse yall…

I went to the lengths of typing out his verse and picking it apart on an old rap message board I posted at in order to make my case for Ras Kass’s lyrical dominance. Then I got an advance copy of his debut full length , “Soul on ice” and my head exploded.
I don’t quite recall when I had the realization that I may have jumped the gun on my anointing him the rap king of the universe but I’d guess it was sometime around when he dropped his second album. Just a hunch.

3)There is no better movie than “Police Academy 3:Back in training” (age 10)
I don’t know if that movie was written by another 10 year old or if Bobcat Goldthwait really just spoke to my soul but, goddamn, did I love that movie. I saw it in the theater 4 times. FOUR FUCKING TIMES! It’s funny cause, looking back now, it’s hard for me to even differentiate part 3 from part 1 and 2. I do remember thinking a scene where a guys cat shat in his cereal and he ate it anyway being pretty much as funny as anything could be. I haven’t seen the movie since early high school but I have a strange feeling it might not have held up too well.

4)When a girl is giving you head, the more cum the better (age 17-20)
I think I’ve mentioned this before on here but whatever. When I was at that tender age of absolute horniness and complete cluelessness about the fairer sex, I would always take thursdays off from my busy masturbation schedule cause, on the off chance I get any action that following friday, I would impress the young ladies with my voluminous load. Cause, as everyone knows, when a girl is giving you head, the more cum you give her, the happier she is. The funniest things about this was the little amount of play i was getting in general and , with that in mind, my insane assumption that , if i did hook up, a blow job would obviously be happening.
I’d also like to add that, even though we live in the porno age where girls actually say shit like “I love cum!” , I’m still not buying it. I’m sure there is a visual aspect to it that can be exciting for some of you but I’m sure when it’s in your mouth, you’re not begging for a double shot. I’d imagine it’s like eating oysters. As much as you ladies love them, every now and then you’ll get one that’s too big and it’ll make you want to vomit. Also, as i’ve said before, oysters are sea jizz so this comparison is actually perfect.

5)Models are better than me (age 15-25)
Listen, I’m not a guy who’s ever bagged models. I never have and I never will be. Luckily for me, tall skinny girls are not my thing but still, there is always stigma with them. For years, i viewed them as this superior beings who smoked cigarettes and only spoke to you if you were rich and famous. Well, while that’s not totally wrong, what I did overlook was that they’re also young girls who are just as insecure and fucked up as any fat girl. In fact, I’d venture to say they’re even worse cause they’re whole existence relies on looking a certain way.
I remember walking down the street and seeing some model looking girl and being intimidated by even looking at them. Like they knew something I didn’t. Turns out though, they did know something I didn’t. As 18 year olds, they knew that if you do coke with the right photographer and suck the right dick, it can help your career. I didn’t know that till waaaaaay later.
I also remember seeing dudes I knew from around the way chilling with models. These were shrimpy little dipshits who threw parties at clubs. THOSE guys were the ones fucking these girls. That’s when it all become clear to me how much of a joke all that shit was.
Nowadays, I kinda hate models. Not as much as I hate strippers but close. I don’t desire them. I don’t give a shit about their life. Maybe five years from now I’ll look back on this opinion as comical but , where I stand now? Fuck’em.

6)Chicken Mcnuggets are the finest food in all the land (age 12-18)
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still fuck up some Mcnuggets. Granted, nowadays I eat at Mcdonalds maybe once every two years…but when I do, I’m housing some Mcnuggets.
But back in the day? Shiiiiiiiiit. A 20 piece (extra bbq sauce was crucial), fries and soda was like the perfect meal. I’d eat that shit before school if I could and then play basketball for two hours with it sloshing around in my gut. I didn’t give a fuck. Nowadays, If i were to eat like 5 mcnuggets it takes me about 15 minutes before I’m sweating on the toilet.
It’s funny to think about it cause you could have bought me the finest meal in all the land and put it against a mediocre batch of Mcnuggets (you know, they’re a little dry or you get one of those hard chunks) and I’d still tell the entire Top Chef judge panel that Mcnuggets got the win.
I’m glad I’ve grown out of that phase cause I’d be a 400 pound diabetic right now if I hadn’t.

This list could be endless but I’mma cut it off here. You get the idea. Oh youth, you’re so fucking embarrassing.

24 thoughts on “Things I once believed to be facts

  1. 2pac is the greatest rapper ever (ages 14-17). For a while there, gangsta rap was the only cool music out there. Everything else was “gay”. And then i heard “the light” by common and “move something ” by talib. For some reason those songs opened up my mind and lead me to exploring pretty much every other genre of music…except country. That shit still sucks.

  2. I like to pretend 10-18 never happened. Way too much embarrassing shit happened to even scratch the surface here. I was a decent multi sport athlete & had pretty good taste in music from a very early age. Besides those 2 things I a was an utter disaster. We moved around a lot & I became very good at making friends, but missed the boat on girls altogether. Used to love quarter pounders with cheese. Never eat there anymore. The Fraggles were & I imagine still are awesome. The good thing is I’m 38 now & many of those memories are fading & it’s easier to remember those days in a better light, due to the lack of much of that experience ever being repeated. I don’t get nostalgic much, but do appreciate growing up when I did. In many ways the world is as different from then to now as it was for our parents & grandparents generations. I’m thankful to have grown up with hip hop & Michael Jordan. Anyway, this has gotten away from me & I’m rambling about unrelated shit. Later.

    • Ages (16-31) Smoking weed all the time relieves my social anxiety, makes me smarter, makes everything better (music, movies, relationships, video games, etc. life in general).

      I’m not knocking weed first and foremost, I still believe it is beneficial for many, especially cancer patients etc. for me though, I recently found out when I was forced to stop puffing and drinking at the same time due to being hit by a car that ran a red light while riding my bike to work in Fort Collins, CO. I wear my helmet 90% of the time (mainly to and from the glass studio I work at). I don’t remember being hit and hope I never do. Anyways…

      I awoke in the hospital drugged up on morphine and was there for 5 days. I don’t remember much if this either, except being happy to see faces of family and friends who visited me and I’m thankful to have in my life. I guess I kept asking to even puff in the hospital, haha. I was told yes it’s legal, but not to smoke in a hospital (duh!).

      I went through withdrawals at first due to being high 24/7 for years before this thinking it all helped me with everything haha. This was clearly not the case for me. Again I still love Herbert, but even when I can puff again it at most will be a few rips before bed and not even every day.
      I’ve always been shy, especially when growing up which this topic is about.
      Puffing over all these years made my anxiety much much worse and I was totally content with being a hermit for years. I still would go out and do things, but I had a hell of a time starting conversation and meeting people because of this. Especially ladies.

      I also thought it made me more more productive. It clearly did not. For some yes, it does. Not me though. I though I made better beats, choices, and thoughts and ideas on general. It did not. It’s been over a few weeks and I’ve never felt better mentally even with a healing brain trauma. The little things all are much more appealing and great. I can talk to people much easier and make up my mind much quicker. Again this is me and not you. Just something I found out silver lining style.

      Music is all I’ve been listening to besides watching a few movies and shows here and there. I’m off the harder pills already and only take hydrocodeine very, very sparingly at a half a pills rate when the pressure builds up or push myself too much and I really need it. Puffing now or drinking would mess with the healing process, facts I didn’t believe in, even after hearing from the docs and reading online.

      I’m never going back to the old me in the herb respect for sure. I’m not sure when I’ll even be able to try it again and don’t care. By that time my tolerance will be down to nothing. I sober way to much time involved and under the influence of Mary Jane and should have been meeting the real Mary. I tried and would get way too nervous and ruin good prospects along the way.

      I’ve been myself but a dumbed down version for the past 10 plus years of my life. Life’s too short and I’m no longer being they guy. I know Tony can relate from his experience on herb so I though he might want to hear this. My work was not 100%, nor was my life because of my own choices. I’ve also spent way to much money on the stuff and growing my own over the years. I was way less patient and overall because of it and should have been enjoying myself naturally much more. In the words of Blockhead, I was an antisocial retard, hahaha. I would rather have a beer to sip on when I can over puffing.

      Being off both because I have to honestly feels great. I feel new, and ready for whatever. Thanks for being you, Tony. Mad respect for you and your music (favorite producer easily) over the years. The music has always been there for me. Now I also have your blogs to entertain me with and love it. BIG UP’S TO BLOCKHEAD!!! Peace.

  3. Growing up in Germany I used to think the Smurfs were German because they were dubbed… then going back to the States I freaked out when I heard them speaking English, so I thought they’re American! Then come to find out they’re fucking French? I got triple-bamboozled!

  4. you thought theyed be happier with more cum lol! did you go to high school with jenna haze? im empressed that you could actually take a day off from beating off. at that age i could barely wait until i got outta school.

    also number 6 is my life then and now. i use run thru a 20 piece like it had a finish line. id dip my fries(nugget too) in sweet and sour sauce and drink a super sized orange hi c like it was a gronolla bar. i miss super size’s, thanks morgan spurlock.

    but never got into ras kass… i dont no y. that chorus was god awful though, i think ras thought it sucked too lol. good read blockhead

  5. i appriciate that you are always brutally honest on your blog i mean this whole “the more cum the better” thing is fucking retarded posts like that is the reason why i like your blog so much

  6. Snap, I used to think the Beatles were a bunch of crew cut pansies 5-12. Those acid tripping geniuses make my ears spooge nowadays.

    • i also thought the beatles sucked before i heard them lol. i remeber hearing stevie wonder for the first time and thinking this isnt the same guy i knew. ya no the pudgey, shell braided blind guy. whom id turn the channel the second he touched a piano key.

      the shitty thing is, im still that kid.

      • Not liking the Beatles AND Stevie Wonder? shit man…I don’t think I can allow you to read this blog anymore. I could forgive one as just youthful ignorance but both means you you might just have shitty taste in music.

      • i actually love stevie wonder and the beatles now but back then i literaly judged them based on appearence. like stevie wonders shell braids or paul mc cartneys old ass dueting with micheal jackson. i remember being 14 and realising that “get back” was a beatles song and thinking thats not right…i liked superstious before i new stevie wonder sang it.

        i have a great uncle whos retarded, like really reatarded. and he would always want me to play jonny cash records for him(records i barrow now). so naturally i grew up thinking jonny cash was for retards. so i didnt seriously listen to jonny cash, the beatles and stevie wonder until i was over 16…i understand if you have to let me go… i just loved that hip hop so much i assumed i could never listen 2 anything else. ignorance at its finest.

  7. awesome idea for a blog

    my best one is when i was maybe 12 i thought you did sex by rapidly wagging your boner purely on the strength of that boner-wagging muscle. i freaked out that my boner lifter seemed to work fine but completely failed against any kind of resistance. i thought i was going to have to seriously work it out over the next few years if i was going to have the strength to not embarrass myself when it came down to it.

    when i finally figured out how it really worked i breathed a huge sigh of relief (and huge load)

  8. I just Imagine Ras Kass googling himself, and his heart breaking. it must be hard on an artist, not the thoroughly examined critiques to their techniques, but the casual dismissals of their careers.

  9. You know how people used to say “if you hold a buttercup under your chin and see a yellow glow, it means you like butter”? I was a firm believer in this, especially because I really did love butter. (age 6-7).

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