Ask Dr. Tony Vol.20


Awwwww yeah. Another chance for the good Dr. to dole out that unwanted advice. This is that thing where you guys send me questions of the heart and I try and tell you what’s wrong with you. I’m not a licensed anything but I’ve been told I’m a straight shooter who gives honest , unbiased advice. That’s better than having a degree, right?
Anyway, send me more questions like this to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I’m here to help.
Here are this weeks questions:

I have this friend i have been talking to for 7 months both on here and the phone, but here in the past 2 months she doesnt call like she used to. she told me the other day that i have the type of personality she is looking for and wants, and that we have alot in common. But so far for the past week or two, she has been seeing this guy, who she said she kinda likes, she said he isnt for her tho, and that he isnt her type, and that she wishes he had certain things in common with him that she does with me. she said he is conceited and kinda too manly for his own good…like and asshole and a nice guy at the same time and that her and i could have alot of fun together, and she feels that i would never hurt her, and that i want a family and im respobsible and not on drugs (shes right ). anyway……. i feel bad about this, because i want to be her friend still..but i feel like this isnt good…….i really like her alot, and i send her stuff all the time..(well as much as i can anyways), but anyways besides that……what do you think? she is 28 and im 39.(which i know should send a red flag right there)….she doesnt really ever seem to lie to me about anything (i guess ,even as stupid as that sounds), but i just dont know anymore. she said she still plans to come here and meet and hang out and see what happens between us, but that it will have to wait till she gets her school check and car in order……….. i would go out and about around here, but 10 years of living here..and the relations i have had……none of the girls around here dig me any longer than a few months till they used me up or some shit.. lol……………….i would love to think that me waiting on her is a good thing, but im just not sure….oh and we never met before lol..just here and the phone…but like i said she wants to come here……should i continue to believe that and be her friend and let her go out and get screwed haha…..or just stop all together? i know this sounds stupid and im old enough to know better from my past….but still it eats at me…….

Holy shit man. So many red flags here I don’t even know where to begin. You are getting strung along and played on an epic level. I’m assuming you have money (as you alluded to other girls using you before) and you live somewhere far away from this girl. What is there to gain by trying to date this girl? I’d bet a hefty wage that she’s out doing all the things she’s leading you to believe she doesn’t want (drugs, partying, fucking the guy who’s “Too manly” and loving it). It sounds to me you’re a back pocket exit strategy that she never really intends to use. I mean, perhaps, if something truly awful happened to her and she had to get out of town then, MAYBE, she’d come stay with you for a week or two. But there is no long term anything happening here. I’m not saying you should pull the plug on it totally (but it wouldn’t be the worst idea) But stop giving her gifts. Stop being her emotional tampon. See what happens after that. If she sticks around after the handouts stop then reconsider. But, I have a feeling, she’ll be long gone at the first sign that you have wised up.

what do you think about the girl next door? like literally the apartment next to you, worth a try or don’t even bother?

It’s definitely shitting where you eat. There’s an aspect to it that is fantastic. But, in order for that to work on any level , I’d say you either have to have long term plans with that girl or be a cold blooded vaginal assassin. Meaning, you’re going to see her ALL THE TIME. You either gotta wife her up or prepare for constant awkwardness whenever you’re walking in your door.
The thing about shitting where you eat is that it’s , at first, a lot of fun. There’s an excitement to the closeness of it all. But the second it grows thin or something goes wrong, you’re now stuck with a situation that’s pretty much unavoidable.
I’d say this is even worse than sleeping with a co-worker cause, at least, you can go home after work. In this case, that neighbor will be very aware of your dealings. You have a new girl over? She probably knows.
Best case scenario (outside of becoming a couple, I suppose) if having a playful one night stand where you’re both on the same page. Maybe have a casual hook up relationship with no strings attached. If that’s doable at a leisurely pace, you can ride that out until it eventually blows up in your face. Otherwise…just let it go. Maybe set your sights on a girl that doesn’t share a wall with you.

yo blockhead, i got one for you. so i recently got out of this relationship with this girl that i was really dependant on. like, i would literally text her everything from going to the store for a pack of reds to taking a dump. pretty strange no? anyway, it ended up badly cuz i guess i was too dependant and she decided she wanted her space. forever. so i dont know what to do anymore, and ive ended up going out everyday getting drunk. ive been mising a lot of my college classes and i think im going to drop out because of grades. however, i met this other girl recently(she speaks french, isnt that awesome?) and well, in a spawn of a couple days of knowing each other, she gave me gifts and i talk to her a lot. however, sometimes i see her talking with some other guy and (i know it sounds stalkerlike) i would deliberately pass her to see if she looks up like i would with her. question is, what should i do? im still hurt over the other girl and now i have feelings for this new girl. problem is, i dont know if this girl likes me enough to go out with me because shes interested one day, but ignores me the next.

First off, you gotta chill out dude. I don’t know if you’re naturally insecure, jealous or dependent (or all of the above) but those are not qualities you wanna bring to the table. I realize you can rationalize those things as being sweet and thoughtful but, to most girls, you’re gonna rub them the wrong way and they’re not going to want anything to do with you. Get some confidence in yourself. Why do you feel the need to smother these girls? Are you afraid if you let them out of your sight that someone else is going to snatch them away from you? There comes a time when “caring” begins to become “Obsessing” and that kinda shit freaks people out. Both men and women. So, first and foremost, either try to control that or go to a shrink and talk about it. It’s not healthy and you’ll find that , if not taken care of, every relationship you have will most likely end cause of your issues.
Now, as for the new girl, it’s hard to say what she thinks. I’m not her. Just judging from what you wrote, it sounds like she’s casually flirty. She MIGHT like you but she also might like a few dudes. It doesn’t seem to me that she’s committal to anyone so you freaking out over that and who she may or may not be hooking up with is pretty much a waste of time. Those other people aren’t your concern or your business. If you like her, act on it. But, also, keep in mind that you’re still hurt over the last girl and could be grasping at straws right now. It’s clear you need attention from women so it’s not impossible you’re reading into a few friendly conversations as something more.
Whatever the case, I can’t stress this enough. FALL BACK. The more you smother girls , the less they’ll like you. If you don’t stop, prepare for a life of scratching your head and wondering why all the girls you like end up with indifferent acting dudes who seem like they don’t give a shit.

Hey Dr. T,
This is going to take a while to explain but I feel like I could use your sage advice. Anyway, here it goes.
I dated this girl since my last year in high school. We got along great, she made me really happy and she was caring, non-judging, non-jealous, pretty much perfect girlfriend. We were head over heels for each other. Then we go to college, she goes off to the east-coast (ivy league) and I go to a CC and plan on transferring (not necessarily to a school near her just to a good school for my major). Needless to say, things got rocky. We would argue and fight over the dumbest shit and we both knew it was all insignificant stuff and would always make up afterward. After about a year of this we both feel worn out. On one of her breaks she comes to visit and we decide it would be best to “take a break.”
We end up hooking up the same night and stay friends with benefits. so basically nothing changes except we don’t have labels and there’s the possibility of either of us hooking up with another person. Both of us are kind of awkward about even getting to that point with someone else so this doesn’t ever really become a problem. Everything is fine for a while when I really start to regret being on this “break”. She hinted at getting back together but I always dismissed it because I didn’t want to have the distance push us further apart like it had done in the begining. I realize I’m in love with her and finally decide to tell her when she’s home on her next break (this is during her last year of school btw). When she comes home I’m all excited but she won’t even let me kiss her. she tells me she met this guy who she says she’s kinda interested in but nothing serious and that she doesn’t see anything coming from it except most likely sex and that he’ll be in another part of the country by the time school ends.
I tell her how I feel about her and that we should get back together but she says it’s not a good idea and gives me a flat out, “no.” She says the only way it might work out is if I give her some time (i.e. after she’s fucked this dude and comes home after this internship thing she’s doing). She says she trusts me with her life and that she’s still loyal to me (idk wtf thats supposed to mean since she’s obviously planning on boning this dude). So of course I’m heartbroken. I tell her to quite literally fuck off and I haven’t said a word to her since (its been a few months).
I was with her for about 5 years and we were each other’s best friend and supported each other through A LOT of shit. In many ways she was the only real friend I had.
So now I’m wondering do I just move on? Should i even try to pick up the pieces? I feel like a divorcee. I’ve been trying to talk to other girls but halfway into a conversation with them, I don’t really give a fuck what happens with them, I just want a love like the relationship I had with my ex and I know some random chick that wants to fuck is definitely not going to fill that void.

Teenaged(and college) love is a motherfucker. It seems so serious and important at the time. Like nothing else with ever come along again. But you’re young. Very young, in fact. This is one of those life experiences that makes you stronger. Everyone has that first love, they learn from it and it makes them better for the next person they meet (or worse depending if we’re talking about a single 38 year old who’s been through like 5 of these soul draining relationships).
I’m not saying give up hope on this girl. She sounds like she’s just trying to see what’s out there. I wouldn’t write it off that there’s a chance that she might come back around at some point. The problem with that is how long it might take. There’s no time limit on “soul searching” so this one guy could be the first in a chain of dudes for her. You’ll never know so sitting on your hands waiting for her isn’t going to help anything. My advice to you would be to live you life like you would if she wasn’t in it. If she comes back around down the line, assess the situation and make a wise choice. Don’t throw everything away just cause she texted you one day. Also, our minds do crazy things in situations like this. For some reason, when we’ve been separated from someone we care about, we only can remember the good parts. That person gets so idealized in our heads that , by the time they come back around, it’s not even the same person. So , look out for that. Keep a level head and don’t deprive yourself of living on account of what another person does. You may not be into it now but a year down the line, you’ll be back to normal and , possibly, enjoying single life. Don’t let your brain deprive your dick of the best years of your life.

Famous people cheat


In another shocking turn of events, a political figure of great esteem and power has once again been unfaithful to his wife. Well, color me shocked. Not since the last time this happened have I been so outraged. I mean, this Petraeus fellow was the director of the CIA! Surely his dick knows how to keep a low profile.
Now, obviously, I’m kidding. This is neither shocking or exciting news. It’s yet another case of a dude who was as faithful as his options.

Political figures, actors, musicians and other sorts of rich men. How often do we hear of these dudes getting caught out there with their dicks in their hands (or in the hands of others)? It’s always funny to me what a big deal gets made out of this. Not that what they’re doing isn’t totally wrong, but that people are surprised that it happens. It’s as if people equate having a good job/lots of money with a higher moral standard. No, dirty dealings are not just what happen to people on Maury. In fact, I’d say those people on Maury have to work even harder to make it happen cause they’re not rich and powerful men. They’re poor losers who get fired from gas station convenience store jobs. In the case of these political figures, these are men who have worked their entire life to reach a point of high regard. But you know what has no connection to what you do with your dick? Work ethic. Intelligence. hell, even a strong moral compass in a very important job doesn’t mean a guy is above texting dick pics to some lady he met at a happy hour. These things simply don’t exist on the same plain for most men. So whenever this kind of scandal happens (and it happens a lot) I can’t help but just be like “Uh…yeah. no shit…”. This dude (who is most likely a nerd on some level) ,who worked his ass off his entire life to make something out of himself and who, most likely, didn’t fuck a ton of women while doing so, all of a sudden is in a position of power. And this just in: Men in positions of power get laid. Whether they seek it themselves or it comes to them, the options are plentiful. The only thing holding them back is themselves and their self control.

Now, i realize it’s sounding like I’m standing up for these guys. That’s not the case. I’m simply explaining why it happens so often. It’s not justified to cheat on your wife. These guys have all been married for years and probably have kids in college. In all reality, they should have retired their dicks years ago. But the one thing they can’t turn off is that male ego, especially given their elevated status. Sex and ego share a very similar space in the brain of most men. As much as we like fucking in general, there’s also that element of how it gives us a certain kind of worth. A kind of worth that even killing Bin Laden or foiling a terrorist plot cannot give us. It’s the same reason that “What’s the average dick size?” is one of the most googled phrases on earth. Sex is not only a joy for men, but it’s a concern and something we hold to be far more important to ourselves than just a simple physical act.

These political cheating scandals are great cause they know no political party. The political bias is thrown out the window. They happen to to the most left leaning liberal to the craziest right wing religious nut (though admittedly, they’re way more entertaining when it’s some religious dude who has to eat shit about being a philanderer). That alone is proof that this isn’t about anything more than just power and how some men can’t really control themselves when they have it.

The fucked up thing about all of this is that it’s ruined some decent political careers. People who would otherwise have done some great services for our country but got buried cause they simply wanted to fuck someone else. I really wish there was a way to take the sex out of politics. Make it so that these matters would be dealt with like normal cheating matters. Internally within the relationship. People get divorced all the time. Cheating happens all the time. It’s shitty but, alas, life does go on after that and there usually are bigger fish to fry in general. But in this day and age where everything is on record and emails/texts can be splayed out for the world to see, it just doesn’t work like that. I’d advise these people of power to stop it but that will never happen. This kind of cheating is engrained into our culture and minds as deeply as out love of fried foods and ice cream. Perhaps the best idea would be to not make SUCH a big deal out of it on a political level. Let relationships between people who aren’t you and yours not be an issue to you and yours. Treat a CIA directors cheating like you would hearing the dude from Costco fucked his wife’s sister. Silently judge him. That’s the real american way. Cause i’m pretty sure the dude at Costco get’s to keep his job after cheating. He’s just gotta deal with a whole lot of whispering and side eye from everyone around him.

Answers for questions vol. 110


Hello everyone. I just got back from a weekend of shows with Emancipator in Colorado. Thanks to all those of you who came out. It was a blast. People to the people of Fort Collins for not judging me too hard when I was blowing my nose on stage. It’s not a good look but it was that or have a face covered in snot. Getting sick on tour is the worst.
Anyway, I always need more questions! Send them my way. Leave them in the comment section below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Do your worst (but also do your best).
Here’s this weeks…starting off with a very inappropriate question.

What would you rather: You have to finger your mom, but no one will ever know about it, or NOT finger your mom, but everyone in the world thinks you did. There are no other options in the scenario.

I’d just like to point out that my mom often reads this blog so, congrats guy, you made my mom vomit today. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
As for the question, I’d go with the latter. people can think what they want but the idea of actually doing that makes me want to throw my computer out my window right now. My sanity>>>my reputation. Plus, I’m good at explaining things to people and dispelling that myth to anyone I encountered wouldn’t be that hard.

I’ve realized that any time anyone (white) under the age of 60 says something like “I don’t like rap”, “rap is crap” or “I only like X…I can’t stand other rappers”, that I instantly assume they are racist. I don’t mean that all of them drive around with a rebel flag bumper sticker on their truck yelling the “N word” at Mexicans or anything, but I think they have at least some conscious or subconscious racism going on in their head. I always end these conversations immediately and avoid any further contact with the person. I don’t ever consider trying to defend the artistic merit of rap or arguing, because really, what is the point?

I also find myself looking for any other subtle or outright signs that they are racist. If I am still around the person because we work together or something, 100% of the time they say or do something else later that supports my theory. (Throwing around the word ebonics, blurting out extreme political views, speaking in condescending tones, etc).

I just feel like for someone under the age of 60 to completely write off the whole genre of rap now in the year 2012, they must have some serious issues. I get it if it is not their favorite thing to listen to, and I completely understand how some of the language might be offensive…but not all of it. These people never focus their complaints on that anyway, and always just point out how they think the technical act of rapping, sampling, and using a drum machine requires no talent. That’s some bullshit, and a cover-up in my opinion.

Blockhead, you are obviously an expert in the field of sweeping generalizations. My question for you is, when you encounter these people that diss rap in its entirety, do you ever find yourself assuming that they are racist? Do you debate, change the conversation or end the conversation? If they are not all racist, at least 8 out of 10 must be, right?… Or does all of this make me the racist one because rap does not equal black? Whoa

First off, 60 years old is your cut off age for when people should respect rap? I’d say you’re off by about 20 years. I’d say MOST 60 year old’s don’t like rap. Black and white. They were already 30 when it started. That’s like telling me if I don’t like Dubstep I’m prejudice against people who do molly.
Secondly, your sweeping generalizations are way more sweeping than mine. Some people don’t like rap. It’s not that hard to fathom. It certainly doesn’t mean they’re racist. I mean, sure, SOME of them may have some racist in them but you could say the same thing for whigged out white kids from the suburbs who dress like gucci mane. It works both ways. I don’t like most current rock music. Does that mean I hate white people? It’s just musical preference.
In my experience, people who are youngish who dislike rap as a whole either one or a combination of these:
a)Don’t think people talking to a beat is music
b)Have only been exposed to what’s played on the radio so they assume rap is just one thing
c)Grew up in a heavily non-rap environment. If it’s not around from a somewhat young age, it’s less likely they’re going to gravitate towards it, as our youth is where many of our musical tastes evolve.
d)They listened to it, gave it a chance, and it simply wasn’t for them.
e) They’re racist.
As you can see, it’s not AS black and white as you think it may be. Just cause you like something doesn’t mean everyone else does.

i was just wiping my ass and it made me think, you know how besides fingerprints, your lips, iris, writer’s palm, etc all are unique and traceable also? do you think everyone’s asshole is unique? like if i murdered your girlfriend then took a shit in her toilet, and didnt flush the paper down, could the cops (theoretically) lift my brown eye print if i just dabbed instead of like, dragging across? i dont know why they’d have my buttprint on record but this is all hypothetical. i’d love to hear your opinion on this one

Yeah…no. I’d argue that they might be able to trace your shit back to you (does shit have DNA in it?) but that’s about it. You’re reachin’, bro.

How involved are you in creation of music videos? Are you happy how they’ve turned out?

I’ve had absolutely nothing to do with any of my music videos beyond agreeing to let them get made. This has worked both for and against me. In the case of “The music scene” It’s the best thing that ever happened. That video is amazing and it’s also probably the most viewed thing I’ve ever done.

In other cases, the videos were fine but nothing special. Like the “Insomniac Olympics” video. I don’t dislike it but I also don’t really care that much about it. Perhaps it’s cause it was my first video and everyone who saw it though I was the guy in the video.

Okay so my bf and I were discussing this the other night… What is your opinion on Serval cats? (or any other medium-large breed of domestic cat) I think you’ve mentioned a disdain for cats, and trust me, I’m definitely more of a dog person as well… but I think if I were to have a cat, it would be pretty kick-ass to have an exotic one like a Serval. My bf thinks that having a cat that large is creepy. He doesn’t think they would be trustworthy creatures, and that they’ll snap one day like a helper-monkey, and maul you. Also, if you’re not down with the medium-large cats, are there any other “exotic” animals you would consider owning if you had the land and resources to care for it?

A cat is a cat. The idea of a larger cat is actually worse than having a normal sized one. it’s still got a cat brain, therefore, it’s still an asshole.
As for exotic animals, I don’t think I’d want any pet under any circumstance. I’ve got mad love for sloths but I’ll be damned if I were to ever wanna live with one of those filthy, motherfuckers with their shit crusted fur and creepy long claws. I’m fine just going to cuteoverload.com and looking at pictures of those kinda things from a far. Keep shit civilized and stuff.


If there is a specific person, or at least a related incident, explain the most “wigged-out” guy you’ve ever met, or a situation you’ve been in. I know you’ve mentioned the thing where normal people figure out you’re a producer and change their voice to be “down” with you, but I’m sure there is some sort of hilarious person or story that you can share with us all.

Do you mean the most wigger-ish person or the craziest person? In both cases, I don’t really have a go to answer. I’ve met enough wiggers and crazy people in my life that they all blend seamlessly. I think I already wrote about this but , while I was in Russia a few months back, I met the funniest wigger ever. He was thugged out and from Kiev city and kept giving me pound after pound , while referring to his “Wu-tang Niggaz”. That guy was the best cause I’m pretty sure “Nigga” was one of like 50 english words he knew.

Do you find that there are certain types of foods that your body just can’t mess with anymore? I’m not talking about going to McDonalds and slamming back 5 cheeseburgers or something like that… For example, now that I’ve gotten older, I really can’t mess with dairy much anymore without immediately needing to visit the toilet. As you’ve gotten older, is there something you ate all the time growing up that is on the outs?

Well, taking fast food out the equation hurts my answer. I pretty much avoid that shit as much as possible (airports being the only exception). I’ve had a little more problems with dairy over the last few years. I still eat it and love it but I’ve noticed my stomach doesn’t handle it as well as it once did and that results in room clearing, eye searing farts. But, you know, I’m cool with that. It’s like having a tiny WMD at my disposal at all time.

Speaking of food – do you get joy out of eating as many animals as possible? I actually ate shark the other day for the first time, and I felt like I was that much more of an ultimate carnivore for eating a new animal. You down with Brazilian BBQs where they give you all sorts of tasty new beasts? Ever eat any awesome exotic animals?
I get joy out fo eating food that tastes good. I wouldn’t eat something just cause it’s
a weird animal. Like, if you give me a bbq’d rat on a stick, I’m not eating that shit. What your describing is kind of a demonstration of who’s at the top of the food chain. Like you’re proving to all animals that we run the show. It’s kinda how frat boys look at anal sex with girls. But me, personally, I’d rather just eat some tasty food. If it happens to be a braised cockatoo shoulder, then so be it. But I’d never go out of my way to eat something just cause it’s rare. Flavor comes first.

Are you a people-watcher? I have to figure that you are, and if so, where is your favorite place to watch? I went to a Renaissance Festival this weekend, and I couldn’t believe how many different types of mutants were there to delight my eyes.

I certainly am but only in the most casual sense. If I’m waiting somewhere, I’m watching everything. Like in an airport or on a long line at the post office. I often do that thing on trains and planes where I imagine ,if I were stuck in that room with the people in it, who I’d have sex with/be down with/would be forced to murder (lord of flies style). However, I don’t go out seeking places to watch people. If you do that alone, I think that’s called stalking. But, yeah, people watching is fun and great source of fodder for any self appointed sociologist, such as myself.

Demo reviews Vol. 10


Hello everyone. Back again for the 10th time. Reviewing all the demos you guys have submitted to me. To all those asking, I’m not accepting new submissions at the moment but I plan on making an announcement next week when I will once again open the flood gates. The flood gate opening will be brief so , to those who have been asking me or those who’ve sent me demos during this non-submission period, I’d keep a close eye on this blog, my facebook page and my twitter. Then, and only then, will I accept them. Also, to those of you who have submitted and never got your music reviewed, it’s cause my computer died and a ton of my files got corrupted. Including a folder with a bunch of the submissions.
As for the reviews themselves, As always, take what I say with a grain of salt. My opinion isn’t the end all of anything and I have a very particular taste for sure. SO, no hard feelings, all right guys? Cool.
All the demo’s are rated from 1 to 10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

Artist: PHDJ
Song:5 Seasons

http://soundcloud.com/jacob-schott/5-seasons
I’m actually a big fan of song he sampled as the main loop. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqpuSC3I5SM
That’s a dope song. So, that part is cool and the drums are decent but the layering has some serious problems. I like the ideas of what the producer is doing but none of them sound in key. It’s just lining shit up that’s the same BPM, completely ignoring if they different parts sound harmonious with each other. IF you’ve read these reviews before you know that’s pretty much my biggest peeve. So, stop doing that. If you’re unable to tell when something is or isn’t in key just by hearing it, music may not be your calling. Or make free jazz. They don’t mind it as much.
Production: 3 out of 10
Vocals:N/A
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: C Gatsby
Song:The Spot

http://soundcloud.com/cgatsby/the-spot
I gotta say, the tags used on the soundcloud page are pretty fucking hilarious. That said, This is an interesting little electro jam. I like the sounds he uses and the drums are right in the pocket. As for the vocals, I’m not clear if they’re original or if they’re just lifted from some random acapella. Regardless, they’re pretty forgettable but they work over this beat.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:6.5 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: White Moons
Song: Black coffee

http://soundcloud.com/scott-t-sheeran/black-coffee
This is the trip hoppiest of all the trip hop. The foundation starts off cool but nothing really happens after that. The drums are kinda weak too (but that may be on purpose). I dunno…it just doesn’t go anywhere. It would make a good thing to build off of though.
Production:4 out 10
Vocals:N/A
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Lost soul
Song:What you do to me

http://soundcloud.com/staplingmusic/what-you-do-to-me
This is one of those tracks that’s probably really good for what it is and I simply can’t tell cause it’s not really in my wheelhouse. It’s certainly got a cool vibe to it. I could see this being the soundtrack to movie scene where a guys walking in slow motion through a club after standing in the rain. That guy is most likely german.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:N/A
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Funny Death
Song: First Love

http://soundcloud.com/funnydeath/first-love
This is a pretty and mellow joint. It’s also pretty mellow. Definitely some heroin shooting music. I like the sounds he uses and the weird drum sounds are on point as well. My only complaint would be that hi-pitched talking in the beginning. I don’t know why people do that but it’s way too common. Please, make it stop.
Production:6 out 10
Vocals:1 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist:Sol Zalez feat. Phace and Gentum
Song: Invincible

http://www.phaceofficial.com/albums/sol-zalez-feat-phace-gentum-invincible/
Finally some fucking rap! I understand that I have a lot of fellow beat makers who read and submit to this blog but I can’t stress enough how much i prefer hearing rap. I actually feel like I know what I’m talking about with rap so reviewing it is easier.
Oh, so this song…hmm…it’s pretty mediocre. The track is super middle of the road and the first two mc’s are not bad, but also not at all interesting. I think the last rapper is pretty dope though. I’d like to hear more verses by him. Also, this song suffers from “terrible hook” syndrome.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Yae-ko
song: On top of clouds

http://soundcloud.com/yae-ko/kumono-uwe-on-top-of-clouds
This one wasn’t really ready to come out the oven. Not that it doesn’t show promise but there are certain aspects of it that sound amateurish to me. The drums being the worst culprit. Factory setting drum sounds are never a good look. The vocal samples are fine (as I’m certainly not opposed to vocal samples of foreign languages) but the music simply leaves a lot to be desired.
If i can digress here for a moment, and I’m not singling this song out when i say this ,but I feel like music would be a lot better if , when people finished a song ,they asked themselves “Do i think a person will want to actually listen to this?”. I realize art is about creation and all that, but it would save a lot of people a lot of time if more musicians thought about that every now and then.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Mcardona
Song:Blue

http://www.hulkshare.com/yuy5q72ktbls
Am i crazy or do a bunch of this weeks submissions sound kind of the same? I mean, i can tell them apart but the over all mood of most of these are slow, electro, melancholy shit. This one fits right in with the rest. It’s just as non-offensive yet not interesting as the others. I feel bad not having more to say about these types of tracks but you guy gotta understand, I don’t listen to this kinda stuff. My range of emotion concerning these types of tracks goes from “meh” to “That wasn’t bad”. This wasn’t bad. So that’s good , i guess.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals(if applicable):n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out 10

Artist: The unibroz
Song:Peter-Peter

http://soundcloud.com/the-unibroz/peter-peter
This has a mixtape quality. Mostly cause the beat is like a mash up of different famous songs. The rapping is pretty entertaining. He’s got one of those effortless flows that i tend to like. That said, he could certainly tighten it up a little. Overall, this is a fun song that i wish had a different beat and was recorded a little better.
Production:2 out 10
Vocals(if applicable):5.5 out 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Kev Duce
song: The Machine:Flip it up

http://soundcloud.com/kevduce/the-machine-flip-it-up
This is okay. The beat is nice but also a pretty played out sample.But, still, it’s a head nodder. I don’t really love the rapper. He’s not bad at all, but he’s also not doing anything special. I’d say that’s a common problem with about, i dunno, 98% of all musicians, so don’t feel that bad about it.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals(if applicable):4 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Okay, now you tell me which one you liked the most:

Mixtapes for girls vol. 3 : The “Eclectic” guy mix


This is the third installment of “mixes for girls”.Be sure to go and find the other two as each mix if for a particular occasion.
This weeks mix is the one you give a girl when you want her to think you’re interesting. There’s no theme. No genre that dominates. It’s a very random collection of songs that a girl will peep and perhaps think, “hmm…this guy is sorta strange. Perhaps i will investigate further”. It spans different era’s, social scenes, moods and ranges from obscure to a song she might have made out with a guy to in college (That song, being, “So Anxious”)
Now, because i’m not really a rock and roll kinda guy, you’ll notice that my mixes tend to be kinda thin in that genre. I realize this is a gaping hole in my mixology. I know, the ladies love rock and roll. But the thing about making mixes for girls is that if you try and pander to the girls too much to the point where it’s not even your taste, you’re kinda playing yourself. Go with what you know. And besides, mixes have never been about omissions. They’re all about selections. And a mix like this shows a subtle versatility that a cool girl will pick up on. Even if she doesn’t like some of the songs you chose, she will , at least, respect where you’re coming from.
This mix also has a feminine touch. A few songs on here that a dude might not want to be caught listening to alone. Songs that border on acceptable for male consumption. But i think we , as men, should embrace those guilty pleasures. Especially when making mixes for girls. The great thing about songs like those for men is that ,9/10 times, girls like them. So, it’s a win/win…Also, bare in mind that I’m not “in the loop” with much super current music. If this mix seems like it could have been made five years ago, it totally could have. BUt, hey, a good song should be timeless. Just cause you’ve moved onto to some new genre like shoe-gaze, electro weep-step doesn’t mean that music made 5 years ago is no longer enjoyable.
Here’s the “eclectic guy” mix. Enjoy.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/tx5ntu

1)Nightcall: Kavinsky
2)Underwear: The magnetic fields
3)A modern promise: Francis and the lights
4)Aht uh mi hed: Shuggie Otis
5)Sheep: Gonjusufi
6)Cry: Godley and cream
7)I never cared for you: Willie Nelson
8)All i need: Air
9)Baby Bitch: Ween
10)A silver Key…: Lilliput
11)Love Dog: Tv on the Radio
12)I was a a landscape in your dream: Of Montreal
13)Dames a dime a dozen: Beat the devil
14)Hands away: Interpol
15)So anxious: Genuine
16)Innocent when you dream: Tom Waits

TIm and I discuss video’s and stuff vol. 7


Here’s another installment of that thing where Alaska Aka Tim and I watch videos and say stuff about them. This week includes videos by Action Bronson, Gotye and Miguel.
As it’s becoming clearer and clearer, Tim and I actually tend to disagree more often than not. But when we agree? 100% magic.
http://www.syffal.com/action-bronson-gotye

Answers for questions vol. 109

What up everyone. I’m glad last week is over and I hope people are starting to get their lives back together out here on the east coast. Not to sound like an OCD lunatic but last week was the first week since i started this blog where I didn’t post at least 4 times in a week. So, I’m happy that I should be getting back to the regular flow of things once again this week.
As always, I’d love you ask me questions. Be creative. Be fun. Don’t be boring.
Send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. And now, on with the show…

You get to go on an episode of Trading Spaces with a music professional of your choice. It can be literally any rapper, producer, musician, singer, whatever. As is customary on Trading Spaces, you basically get total creative freedom to redecorate their home in however you see fit. You could just be a nice guy and do something cool, but fuck that, you’ve got like 3 days to do whatever you want and there’s a lot of people out there who would be fun to fuck with. For the sake of this stupid question, let’s say they’ve gotta live with it for at least a year.

You can paint their bedroom black, board up their windows and spray paint glow in the dark dicks all over the walls if you want. You can replace their kitchen faucets with dildos. You could be scary as all hell and turn their bathroom into the set of Saw. Whatever you want to do, you get to do it.

That said, it’s a pretty dangerous situation because they also get to redecorate your place and you’ll have to live with it for a year. You might want to play this one defensively. For example, you probably wouldn’t wanna pick Kanye, because though it would be fun to make a fuckery of his pad, he’d most likely just paint floor to ceiling murals of his naked self covered in gold chains and being groped by freaky bird-women all over your apartment, so chose wisely. I feel like DOOM would just get high and glue comic books to everything, which might be kinda cool. Anyway, get creative.

I’m not a man of interior design. I truly don’t care what my house looks like, as long as my necessities are inside it. Prior to my girl moving in, my living situation has been one of an organized mess. It wasn’t like I was a hoarder or anything but you also probably wouldn’t want to walk into my bathroom with bare feet. Everything was set up out of convenience. It was the most logical house ever, yet it looked like the fucking little rascals clubhouse.
That said, i truly don’t know what I’d do here. As long as the other artist doesn’t fuck with my belongings, he/she could paint my crib bright pink (if i traded spaces with Cam’ron perhaps?)and put dildo’s on the wall and you’d be shocked how long it would take me to change that. My indifference toward this kind of thing if legendary. So I’d probably pick someone who wanted to simply upgrade my shit and not expect much on my end. That person? Beyonce. I would certainly let her upgrade me.


Do all men really cheat? Are there any faithful guys left on this Earth? (I’m by no means disputing the fact that female slut bags cheat as well. But I’m a faithful woman so I’m allowed to ask this question.)

Of course not. Many do, but not all of them by a long shot. The way I see it there are like 5 basic types of men in this respect.
1)Dudes that will always cheat
These are guys who truly don’t give a fuck. It’s not just cause they’re selfish but often, it’s not even a moral question to them. they feel, it’s their duty as men to just fuck whoever they want. The don’t feel guilt and they do it with the reserve of a serial killer. The don’t get caught much either cause they’re comfort in doing it is such that it’s like second nature. These are the guys who have like one ride or die girl who they’re shacked up with (possibly with kids) and like 6 other girls they fuck on the regular. I feel as if any girl who not a delusional moron would be able to see through one of these dudes but you’d be shocked how often they don’t.

2)Dudes that don’t seek it out, but are susceptible to it
These are guys who, in general, are good people but have a few moral chinks in their armor. Dudes who don’t go looking for trouble but have problems turning it down when faced with it. Usually, these are people who are bad at drinking and drunk decision making or guys with little self control in general. They also might be the type to reluctantly get caught up in some office romance that turns into a full blown affair. These are dudes who can be preyed on my aggressive women who don’t give a shit about what they’re relationship status is. These guys are often only as faithful as their options are so be careful.

3)Dudes that will 90% of the time never cheat
These are guys who only go there in extreme circumstances. If they’re relationship is going well, it’s a non-issue and they follow a code. But , if things at home are strained and the right opportunity comes around, the MIGHT make a mistake. Usually a one time thing that they’d end up telling their significant other out of overwhelming guilt. So, on the bright side, they’re human and recognize they’re errors but , at the same time, yo can never be 100% sure of them.

4)Dude who don’t cheat but fantasize about it all the time
These are guys with a clear moral code that go out of their way to stay out of trouble. However, not a day goes by when they don’t think about it. They realize the right and wrong of the situation but the temptation is still there. I liken them to people who quit doing cocaine 15 years ago who still have dreams about it. It’s always looming in the background but these guys have enough self control to keep it under wraps. Instead, they get great pleasure out of harmlessly flirting with girls at social events and then walking away with their tail tucked between their legs.

5)Dudes who wouldn’t even think of such a thing
These are the ride or die dudes who basically just shut down all access to the opposite sex. To them, women that aren’t their significant other are just men with nicer clothes. Their dick is locked down and they don’t care in the least bit. To be honest, I’ve met a few of these types and they’re kinda scary in their dedication. It’s admirable but I can’t help but think they’re kind of crazy or full of shit. But, it turns out, they do actually exist.

Of these five types, I’d say the majority of men fall in the #3-4 range. There are TONS of #1 types (the % of athletes and musicians like that is staggering) and not THAT many #5 types but I’d say most even out. So, yeah, not all men cheat. But lots of them do.

What’s your opinion on polyamory? Do you think that 3 people all being in a relationship with each other can work?

I actually wrote something about this a while back when “big love” was still on:
https://phatfriend.com/2010/01/14/polygamy/
Giving the link to that is the lazy answer but I repeat myself enough on here.

If you could choose to stay any age forever, what age would it be and why?
That’s tough. It depends if it means i would be as dumb as i was back then or I’d age in intelligence but stay the same age physically.
It it’s the former, I’d like to be around 26/27. I was smart enough at that point and started to figure things out. Financially, I wasn’t killing it yet but I was doing okay. I went out all the time, hooked up with tons of girls and had a nice core group of friends who did the same. I’d say that was the most fun era of my life. Not the most productive, but most fun.
If it’s the former, I’d go even younger. If I could be 21 and know all the shit I know now…man…I’d die of syphilis within the first year AND IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick to be your mentor and why?

Hmm..i’ve never been one for Mentors. I’m a terrible student so that quality hasn’t leant itself to me being mentored by anyone. When i was 11/12, there was this toy store I used to frequent and this dude Manny used to work there. I went in there initially to
buy toys and video games but eventually Manny and I bonded over rap music. He was like 19 and knew everything. He was the closest thing to an idol I ever had as he pretty much put me on to all the music I now consider some of my favorite shit ever. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have ever even fell in love with hip hop the way i did. That was as close to a mentor as I ever had. Nowadays I can’t see my 36 year old ass being mentored by anyone unless I took up glass blowing or got a real job…and that’s not happening if I can help it. So, yeah, I got no answer for this one. It’s kinda like the question “What inspires you?”. I really don’t know but i also never think about that kinda stuff.

Have you ever had a girl queef while you were boning her? If so, explain the story and how you felt.

Are you a 14 year old virgin? Of course I have. What adult male hasn’t? More times than I can remember. In fact, I tend to assist in getting the air out if i can feel it there. Queef’s are not a big deal. It’s just air. The fact it makes a fart sound is comical but if you’re an adult with any reasonable amount of sexual experience, you just plow right through it like nothing happened. If you’re still reacting to queef’s in bed you clearly ain’t about that life.

Out of all the places you’ve traveled, what’s your favorite country/city and why?

Well, NYC is my favorite city by far but that’s not the question…we’re talking where I’ve traveled. That’s tough cause , while I’ve traveled all over, it’s rare that I’ve been able to spend that much time in one place. Certainly not enough to have an opinion on it as “the best”. That said, in the states, I’d say San Francisco is my favorite city not named New York. Outside the states, I LOVED Melbourne, Australia. I got to spend 4 days there a long time a go and it was awesome. The vibe, the people and the city in general.
It’s funny that I get to travel and see all these places cause, really, I’m not a very adventurous guy. In fact, I hate traveling. but I’d imagine , had i been given like 5 days at every place I’ve ever been to, I’d like it more. The one thing I know about going places is that it’s often not the place, but who you’re with. I’m sure I could have a great time in the Ozarks if i was with the right people.

Notes from a blackout


So, yeah. This storm, huh?

Before I get into any of this I just wanna clarify that , while this week has truly sucked a dick of god like proportions, I’m also very aware that it could have been much worse. Seeing clips from what happened in jersey really puts this whole blackout thing in perspective. My thoughts go out to all the people effected by this who lost their homes , loved ones, ect…For us in lower manhattan, this has simply been a huge inconvenience and not much more. Well, to some it’s been much more but for most people it was a 4 day vacation from work except without power.

Where do i begin? Well, I’ve never been one to get particularly fearful when hurricanes hit NYC. We’re mostly a city of brick buildings next to other buildings made of bricks. While Skyscrapers may be a risk, your average NYC resident looks at rain and heavy winds as just a reason to stay in for the night. Perhaps drink a little more wine than usual. Irene came, devastated tons of people outside of the city but, being the smug pricks we are, we laughed at how little it did to anyone within the bubble of manhattan. Seeing a broken branch would be jokes. So, when word of “frankenstorm” came, I can’t say I was stressed. My girl and I bought some food just in case but , to be honest, it was more just an excuse for us to go shopping. Other than that, we just kinda waited for it. We taped up our window and settled in for a night of watching TV while listening to wind slap against our windows. Around 7:45, I got a text from a friend that the front of a building around the corner from me on 8th ave had collapsed. What!?!? Looking outside, it was raining a little and pretty windy but not exactly “Knock the front of a building” type winds. Okay. So, we just kinda wrote that off as poor craftmenship on the part of the people who built the building. About an hour later, everything went black. Full disclosure, I was taking a shit. Of course I was. I had my laptop in there , so I wasn’t taking a crap in pitch black but, I’ll tell you, shitting in the dark is weird vibe. Having done it a few times this week, it’s kinda what I imagine solitary confinement in jail to be like, but with more shitting and nicer toilet paper.
I finished and my girl was already lighting candles. My phone still worked so the calls started rolling in from all my friends who lived nearby. Checking on if it was just them in the dark or if we were all in this together. Indeed, we were family. Then a friend texted me telling me that the Con Edison building cross town had basically blown up. Dope. This had happened a few years before and resulted in a few days in the dark but just on my block. At least then I could go a block away and get a meal or stay at my moms crib in the west village. But looking outside, the entire block was dark. The buildings in the distance were black. This wasn’t good.
Sitting in the dark is no fun. Around 11pm, my girl and I got restless and decided to be morons and take a walk outside to see what was going on. We stepped out and to say it was off putting would be an understatement. I mean, this was 14th street in manhattan, in complete darkness. Few cars. Black for as far as the eye can see, only lit by a full moon. The first thing I noticed was how it wasn’t raining at all and it was just slightly windy. Like a breezy , far from dangerous kind of wind. This was the culprit? The streets were fairly barren but there were a few people stumbling around. In that lighting, EVERYONE looks like a murderer. So we stepped carefully and went to look at the collapsed building. There it was. A huge pile of rubble beneath what looked like an open faced doll house. Those motherfuckers needed some serious interior decorations as it looked like one of those made up rooms you see in Ikea but one that was put together by a college student. but, I suppose, that was the least of their worries at that moment. Cops were around telling people to bounce so we did. We were gonna walk around more but the vibe on the streets was too unpredictable. So, we were in for the night.

The next day we got up and tried to maintain as much phone power as possible by charging them on our computers. I got word from a friend outside the city that we might be in it for the long haul so once that set it, we weren’t exactly in great moods. We went over to my moms house about 10 blocks away to check on her and that was that…At the moment, I’m on the upper east side staying with a friend for a few nights, hoping this will all end sooner then later. Now that all those details are out of the way, lemme hit you with some bullet points. The more entertaining side of this whole debacle.

1)The deli’s that stayed open are rich now.
I payed five bucks for a box of match books. I don’t know how much they usually cost but I’m pretty sure it’s not that much. The few deli’s in the area that were open the day after the blackout were KILLING it. Lines of people buying anything they could. Fig newtons and pringles have never sold better. It was crazy to walk into a pitch dark store and just kinda buy whatever you can. Chips, water, power bars. It’s funny where peoples heads go when they’re faced with a “What is the thing I would eat once all the real food runs out” kinda situation. Apparently, when in emergency mode, I eat the same shit I get when I’m on tour. Beef jerky, chips, water and something by hostess. LIFE FOOD.

2)Lurkers….everywhere.
One of the nights my girl and I walked home from my mothers house , the streets were littered with random people just sorta chilling. Like a lone man standing on the sidewalk not doing anything. Literally just staring into the darkness. These weren’t threatening people. They were more like the walking dead had they lost their hunger for human flesh. It was so bizarre cause sometimes you’d pass packs of them. A group of people, not speaking to each other (most likely strangers) , just hanging out under an awning even though it wasn’t raining. People just kickin’ it in the dark. Maybe they were considering when the exact moment to start the looting might be but they seemed far more docile. Well, whatever they were doing, fuck’em. They were creeps and made walking around the hood weirder than it already was. I think a good rule of thumb for urban blackout is only go out with an idea of where you’re going and , if you do, go directly there. Loitering isn’t the move, dewds.

3)great time to have a girlfriend
Man, if I was single, I’d probably be dead right now. Not cause I’m incapable of feeding myself but because it would appear the survival instincts of women are far beyond those of men. My girl did preparations that I would have 100% overlooked. Also, I can’t cook shit without a microwave. The fact we even had beans and rice in the house was a miracle. Had it been me alone, I’d be eating mayo like a savage and hoping that jar of capers hadn’t gone bad. All my other friends from the lower manhattan area were in similar relationship statuses as me and they seemed to do well. My one single male friend though? I’m amazed he didn’t accidentally walk out of his 6th floor
window. He’s a dude who doesn’t even have non-plastic silverware in the crib and his fridge is a collage of delivery left overs (Exactly like my fridge was as a single guy). He called me and was bugging. There was no way this dude had candles. What single guy that’s not in kamasutra has fucking candles in his crib? Luckily he had a flashlight and I’d imagine he survived that night eating whatever blunt guts he had laying around his ash trays.

4)first third world problems.
As a dude who complains on twitter a lot about petty things like my internet service or my shitty phone, I’m constantly getting comments from dipshits who think I’m being serious talking about “First world problems,bro”. First off, fuck those people. They’re almost as bad as grammar/spelling nazi’s on social networks. Hey fuckhead, you’re on a computer. You’re part of this first world just like me. unless you’re tweeting from a fucking coconut, I don’t wanna hear it. But I digress…
This blackout was some next level shit. It turned lower manhattan into a much safer game of thrones world crossed with a little bit of mad max. Instead of gasoline, everyone was searching for power. Phone power could have been used as currency. There was a truck on 14th and 8th that was offering free phone charging. Only problem was people were crowded around it like a bunch of feeding jackals. The line to charge your phone for like 5 minutes was insane and , seemingly self defeating. This is what happens when you take civilized people and put them in an uncivilized position. Like with most NYC tragedies, people were being overly civil. It was very 9/11ish. But , deep down, I’m pretty sure most people would push an elderly woman into traffic if it meant getting a fully charged Ipad.

5)Tourists love a nice disaster

My moms block is where the outside of the building used in the TV show “Friends” was filmed. It’s a hot spot for people from other places who are complete fucking losers. Even in a blacked out Greenwich village, the amount of tourists snapping shots of that building where Joey and chandler kinda lived was staggering. Not just that though. I saw tons of tourists (I could tell they weren’t from here pretty easily. I got good tourist-dar) just walking around taking pictures of fallen trees. I get that. it’s a sight to see NYc in such disarray. I certainly saw a lineup of people instagramming any crazy looking damages but these tourists roaming around with their passports in those around the neck satchels? Ughh…Not the time, guys. Come back when we have hot water at least.

6)look at all these rumors
One of the most frustrating parts of something like this happening where you live is the speculation. Everyone knows a guy on the insider or has a friend who knows the truth of when everything will be back to normal. You got the optimists who say it’ll be 1 night tops and the doomsday motherfuckers who are saying we won’t have power till next week. Both are fucking idiots and both forget that there is a 24 hour news stream covering every tiny move of this disaster. All it takes is a text to someone with power and they could tell you “Friday or saturday”. Trust me, your boy nostradamus who lives in the chelsea projects knows just as little as you and me.

7)all locals
While there were a decent amount of tourists, the majority of people walking around the hood were locals. Why? cause where else are they gonna go. Much like 9/11, when the public transportation gets shut down, there’s kind of a nice neighborhood mood that comes in. Sure, it only happens when some disaster occurs but still, it’s nice. Not only are things far less crowded but the quality of people just seems better. It’s really the one thing I don’t mind about these kind of tragedies. Come monday, everything will be back to normal. The streets will be flooded with people. Trains running. People back to work. I’ll be happy to see it. But , really, if they could just get our power back and keep public transport down a few more days, I wouldn’t be mad.

Anyway, I’m typing this in a starbucks like some dickhead working on his screenplay so I’mma just stop right here. I hope everyone out there is okay after this and I look forward to getting back to normal. At least , I look forward to writing this blog every day and making some beats. Okay? great.
See you next week guyzzzzz!