The Doc is back again, in it to win it. what is “it”? That nobel peace prize they give out to people who dole out love advice on the internet. That exists, right?
Anyway, this is that thing where you send me questions about your fucked up love lives and I attempt to answer them with brutal honesty and an even hand.
As always, I’m not trained in this, I have no degrees and I am almost a robot on the inside but I am pretty level headed and honest. That’s all you really need to give good advice. But , still, take all this with a tiny grain of salt. I’d hate for any of you to ruin your life on account of anything I’d write on this fucking blog.
That said, if you have any questions like this you’d like me to help you through, send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. The doctor is always in…
Yo Block, this is gonna be a weird and probably long one, but I hope you’ll take it as a “challenge”. So, last year I went to spend one year studying abroad and out there I met a lot of people from everywhere. The thing is that, after three or four months, when I already had my group of friends defined and so on, I started to feel something weird about this girl (important note, I AM a girl). At the beginning I didn’t pay too much attention to this, but after Christmas holidays I was feeling the same so I started to think I could like her (which was weird because I like boys, but well, I’ve suspected for a long time that I was not 100% straight). I finally accepted that I did but that I had no chance so I had to be patient. The thing is, a few weeks later a friend of mine told me something that happenned one night that basically made clear that this girl was not completely straight either, and that was awful in the sense that it gave me hope and so on. From this point I started to figure a way to let her suspect about my feelings but always in a sutil way because she was one of my best friends there. Well, I started to notice some actions from her towards me that got me confused, they were like signs that she liked me but I wasn’t sure and there were A LOT (I explained these signs to some friends and they wanted to hit me for not doing anything). When the year was coming to an end the signs were clearer both from her part and mine, but nothing happened, probably because I froze and I was a coward. So the year ended and we all got back to out countries. We messaged thorugh fb sometimes but she was never online so it was hard to communicate. However when she writed me she was really nice and lovely in every sense, even invited me to go to visit (our countries are neighbours) but I didn’t have money enough and no way to get more so it was unfortunately impossible. Thing is, now it’s been like one month or more since the last time she wrote me something or I saw her online. I’m kinda frustrated because it could be for one thousand good reasons but the uncertainty is a really bad friend. It happened already once (she not writing in a “long” time) but it was for something reasonable. So I’ve been upset about this though now I’m starting to give less of a fuck, I mean, I still care about this and I still have these feelings, but… I’m just thinking maybe there’s no good reason and she just doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t reply my messages because she just doesn’t want to. I shouldn’t really worry because even if she were answering me this would be a dead end, I’m not even sure that I want something (serious) and even if I wanted that, she is a fucking mess and kinda crazy so it would be hard, even more with the distance. I mean, if we lived close and had something it would already be kinda hard to handle (I guess, maybe not), so in different countries… no, it’s not what I’m looking for.
My question is… What should I do? Keep waiting for an answer that could bring me some hope? Contact her (I know I have other ways to do it but it would hurt my pride or put me in a weird/embarrasing situation maybe) and tell her how I felt/feel? (maybe I win something doing this) Or maybe I should just stop giving a shit and have patience until these feelings go away due to the fact that I don’t even know whem I’m gonna see her again? It’s just that it’s really hard for me to have strong feelings for someone and my instinct is telling me not to give up on this even if the situation is fucked up.
First off, as well all know, homosexuality is a choice. So, in order to deal with this, just go to that little button everyone has behind their ear and flick it to “Not queer”. I’ve accidentally flicked that switch a few times and ended up on month long gay boat cruises. At the time it was great but , since I switched that button back, I’ve been mortified. (I feel obliged to throw in a “Juuuuuuuust kidding” for all you truly dense people out there).
These problems of the heart that involve distance AND internet interaction are always tricky. Add on that you don’t really know if this girl is even trying to go down that path and I can’t imagine the confusion you’re feeling. I think it’s one of those situations that can’t be solved with coyness and feeling things out. You either got to put it all on the table for her or just leave it alone. The scary thing is that her sexuality might be such a touchy subject that even that may send her running cause she’s not ready to deal with it yet.
It sounds to me she’s one of those “off the grid” type motherfuckers who isn’t obsessed with facebook and emails like you and I. In 2012, those people are really hard to deal with. Especially when they don’t live in your town/city. I dated an “off the grid” girl when i was young and contacting her (after we broke up) was the worst. She wouldn’t check her email for weeks and I’d just be sitting on my hands like a dipshit. If that’s what you feel like you’re going through then just accept that this may be an all or nothing situation. Granted, you’ll probably have to contact her through the internet regardless but, whatever…If this is weighing on you like you say it is, you need to find out.
Look at it this way, if she rejects you, at least you know for sure and you can move on. If she does’t, you guys can totes bump clams for the rest of your lives. It’s a win/win.
Recently a new girl got hired where I work, and I really like her. A lot. It seems she’s into me too, she’ll come up with any reason to come up and talk to me, you know how people do that when they like someone? Anyway, we hung out after work one night drinking and smoking. It was cool and we seem to pretty compatible. We exchanged phone numbers and almost immediately started texting each other back and forth. Now, let me mention that this is the first girl I’ve been interested in even remotely since I ended a four-year relationship over a year ago. So, my problem? This girl has never been with a dude! She said she has nothing against dating a guy, she’s just never done it. Block, how the fuck do I approach this?
Do you mean she’s a virgin or a lesbian? Either way, the fact that she’s open about that and seemingly interested in you would almost make it easier. With that on the table, you can openly discuss these things and possibly segue right into hooking up with her. My only fear is that she’s telling you that cause she’s not into men and it’s a way to get you to back down sexually.
Honestly, I’d be more worried about hooking up with a virgin than a possible lesbian. That’s a lot of responsibility.
Regardless, you approach this sensitively. Be vocal about things and , hopefully, she’ll respond. She’s admitted the “I’ve never dated a guy” part so that’s a start. Get in a comfortable yet open convo about it and say corny shit like “But would it be weird if we kissed?”. Open yet direct questions like that will show you exactly where her head is at and you can act accordingly. Who knows? Maybe she just looks at you as her bro who she smokes weed with. You won’t really know until you go there.
Didnt really know if this question should be directed toward Dr. Tony or answers for questions, but here goes. I am 25 years old and after a series of 3 long relationships, I find myself single for the first time since high school. So to occupy my free time, I’ve been going to a lot of concerts and shows. (You should come play philly soon, by the way). Most of these are by local acts in small clubs, so socializing with the bands is really common. Recently, I’ve met a bass player in a local band, we exchanged numbers and seemed to hit it off. We have a lot in common, same tastes in music, movies, sports, etc. We flirt but right now its a friendly vibe. I’ve put it out there that we should hang out and get to know each other and we made plans to do that when he’s back from tour later this month. Even though he’s never said it (he’s actually been really nice and appreciative that my friends and i come to the shows), I can’t help but feel like I’m some groupie.(Maybe i’m making something out of nothing, but the feeling is still there regardless). But to be honest, if he had been just a random guy at the show and not the talent, I still would have approached him. The fact that he’s a musician just makes his life interesting and something for us to talk about. I figured i’d take a chance with this kid, what the fuck right? So here’s my question, as a artist yourself, what’s your take on dating/ being friends with your fans?
First off, as nice as this dude is, if he’s single, he’s angling to fuck. There’s nothing wrong with that but let’s just be honest here…that’s how this works. I’m in no way saying he’s not a good dude and that he won’t treat you with all the respect in the world but if you think , for a moment, that he’s just eyeing you as his new non-sexual buddy in philly, you’re being delusional.
As far as dating/being friends with fans, it’s a slippery slope. The problem is that there seems to always be a lack of equality in the relationship. It’s hard to both be on the level when one person is quietly obsessed with the other. Granted, this can change over time but the initial dynamic between the two people is going to be off balance. But, honestly, this is more about “new” friendships between men and women cause I’m guessing this dude isn’t really famous. He’s just some guy in a band. I know this is well worn territory and women hate to hear it but there are not many guys out there in the market for new , platonic female friends. Only dudes with girlfriends/wives and gay guys would ever seek that out. Single guys will accept them but they also will always have designs on that girl. They will sit on these feelings as long as they feel they have to. It could be years. But, eventually, they’ll try and hit it. It’s just how things work in the male brain. This isn’t a 100% science but it’s pretty damn close.
So, take that mind set, add on the guy is in a band and doesn’t live where you live…do you really think for a moment, he’s trying to forge a lifelong friendship? I’m not saying you’re a groupie but if you remove your earnest intentions, this is EXACTLY what groupies do.
But, back to the question, as an artist (I hate that word), ideally I’d wanna date a person who likes my music but isn’t a fan of it. I’m sure there are musicians out there who want to be worshipped by their girlfriends. But those guys are insecure assholes. A relationship has to be as much of an even playing field as possible. If one side has a shrine dedicated to the other’s talents, it’ll never last for a long time.
got a dr. tony question.
so this chick that i’ve wanted to bang since high school (i’m 23), hits me up that she’s in town. we get drinks, and she ends up back at mine- with her vagina in my mouth. well after looking like i just had rubbed vaseline on my face with my elbows, she decides to tell me “she can’t do this, she has a boyfriend”. cool, I know. however, the thing is she continues to send me messages basically asking to be fucked, y’know things like, “i want you to fuck me”, but then she’s too tired when i hit her up. Do you think I’ll eventually get to stuff her, or is she just a sociopathic, cunnilingus stealing tease?
Love the visuals.
Umm..yeah…i think you’ll eventually hit it. I think she’s just in total control though so all you can do is wait for your window. The more you press her to fuck, the less it’ll probably happen. I dealt with a girl like this a long time ago. My thirst to hit it was immense but every time I acted on that thirst, she’d play me out. It was only when she felt like it that we’d hook up. In fact, the less I jocked her, the easier it got. So, I’d say just play it cool. If you see her out, and you’re both drunk, don’t lay it on too thick. Just playfully acknowledge that , if she’s into it, you’re down.
I gotta say, the fact she stopped you mid-cunnilingus is pretty cold blooded though. Also, she kinda sounds like a piece of shit.