Demo Reviews Vol 15

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Another two weeks have passed (A whole fortnight, bro), so it’s time for me to review some more demos sent in by readers. To reiterate , as always, they did this by choice cause , for some reason, they want to know what I think of their music.
To those of you budding artists who just read that and thought “Hey, i wanna send music in to you as well so you can possibly shit on my dreams too!” I say “Hold your horses”. I’m not accepting new submissions right now but, when I am, I will make announcements on all my social networks. So, don’t send anything to me right now if you actually want me to listen to it. I only accept demo’s when I ask for them,
Anyhoo, this is pretty simple. I listen to the demo’s, do a brief write up and then rate them from 1-10 in these categories
Production:
Vocals:
Listenability:
Originality:

I’m tough, but fair…but also I have unfairly high/particular standards so, you know, you’ve been warned.

Artist:Solists
Song:In the VIP


I’m skeptical of any song that begins with a dude talking to me like he’s trying to fuck me. I’m also bugged out by this actually being an instrumental track. I would assume that sexy talking would lead into some rapping or singing. That said, this is a fairly smooth little soul type instrumental. It’s kinda all over the place but it’s put together well. I feel like I’d appreciate this more if I A)Drove a car b)Went to clubs ever.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:N/A (but 1 out of 10 for that smooth talking bullshit)
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist:Toy Breaker
song:Plumes


This is a cool beat considering it’s using possibly the most played out drum track ever. I dunno if this really qualifies as a “song” until the last minute as it’s just the same thing for most of the track. But, still, it’s a dope little chop with some nice layers that come in eventually. My advice: Find a new break that wasn’t already played out in 1990.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:N/a
Listenability:5 out 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist:Unbelievable Truth
Song:Everything


Have I grown out of white guy struggle raps? Maybe. This guy is fine as a rapper. It just seems like it’s been done endlessly. The thing is, it’s not that he’s biting anyone..there are just tons of other rapper doing the same thing naturally. I guess, all over the world, white dudes who love rap are coming to an emotional crossroads in life that they feel needs to be addressed via lyrical miracles.
Production wise, it’s okay. I liked it more before the drums dropped.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Soma79
Song: I could live forever


This dude hasn’t rapped very long. I can see that he’s more of a writer than a rapper and that’s not uncommon. It’s not that he’s off beat or anything it’s just the rhyme are never in the pocket. Like it took a lot to just get them off the page. I know that feeling all to well…it’s kinda why I gave up on rapping.
The production is just kinda there. No real mood to the beat. I dunno. Pretty boring over all.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:3.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Caucasian Soup
Song: Poncho Monster


Before even hearing this, holy shit, do I hate this name…Caucasian soup? Really dudes.
The first guy kinda sounds like a soft Funkdoobiest or something. He’s not the worst though. The second guy might wanna rethink things as a rapper. He literally said “Rippin’ and flippin”. Not a good look in 2013. The third guy sounds foreign. Is this canadian? I’m confused. All thing considered, the song is strangely engaging and I can’t figure out why.
The beat is minimal and pretty wack…but it serves it’s purpose for what they were going for , I suppose.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:3.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Jumbled
Song:Mic By Mic


Good lord. I really had high hopes when it began. The rakim sample and beat worked well then BAM…the beat got terrible and the rapping got worse. I mean…damn. These dudes have no business rapping at this current juncture in life. They’re simply not ready for recording.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:2 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Karmessiah
Song:Gucci Tacos


This is interesting. unlike a lot of the other submissions this week, at least this sounds current. The beat is very much what’s hot right now. Minimal drums and such. I think it’s cool but I don’t love it. The rapper is decent. But, honestly, after listening to these other demos, dude sounds like a polished professional so he’s winning simply off comparison. Also, “gucci tacos” is a funny title.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist:Subsketch
Song:Permanent Vacation


The beat is the star here. It’s not amazing but it’s got a cool vibe to it and it’s well made. The changes are nice too. The rapping…well…it’s fine. I have my issues with taking foreign rapper seriously so I’m kinda biased here. He’s not bad at all…it’s just not for me. But, this is an undeniably well crafted song.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: LMNtlyst
Song:Sock Less Monster


I hate to judge by name but this name by actually be worse than “Caucasian soup”.
Luckily, the music is much better than caucasian soup. I Don’t know if it’s really a strong enough beat to stand alone as an instrumental track (it could use some rapping or singing for sure) but it’s still pretty good. Kinda reminds me of a beat you might find on cutting room floor at the dungeon family studio.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:N/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist:The Union
Song:It’s funny


This song has a strangely comforting vibe. I think it’s the beat. it just feels like a comfortable place. Like it’s 1997 again or something. The rapping is actually pretty mediocre and sloppy but the beat kinda holds it all together. This is one of those listenable but not great songs that might sneak on a mixtape of someone who doesn’t pay close attention.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Which one did you like the best? VOTE MOTHERFUCKERS!

Answers for questions Vol. 120

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(shout out to April for the sloth pic!)

What up everyone? Back again with more answers for your questions.
Aside from one truly ridiculous question, this batch is fairly serious in tone.
Not in a depressing way but…well…it’s slightly nerdier. The good news is that I learned last week that a lot of you love that nerdy shit. So, bon appetit!
Personally, I’m looking forward to the silly questions returning but, hey, that’s just me.
Speaking of questions, if you have any you’d like me to answer, send them my way. Leave them in the comment section below or email them to me at: phatfriendblog@gmail.com
It’s that easy!

I seem to recall you saying that you are not “famous” enough to get approached by fans on the street that much, but whenever this does happen, how long will you stand and shoot the shit? Of course this person could have something interresting to say, but we’re assuming that it’s just typical “why did you choose the name Blockhead?”-stuff.

Outside of shows I’m performing at , this almost never happens. And when it does, it’s usually just like “Oh, blockhead! What up man!” , a pound is given and that’s that.
That said, I’m very personable with fans and will chat for a decent amount of time. I mean, if I gotta be somewhere or I’m with someone else, it’s different but if I’m just chilling, I don’t see anything wrong with talking to someone for a little bit.
I used to tour with a Dj SIgnify and he’s always tell me “You need to cut the cord sooner…” cause we’d be at the merch table before/after shows and I’d get into these never ending conversations with people. He couldn’t fathom doing that (cause many of the conversations were mind numbing) but it never bothered me much. I don’t mind talking to people in general. It’s only an issue when the person is a little crazy/has no common sense of when a conversation has run it’s course. Also, really drunk people who repeat things over and over and keep giving daps are the worst. Everyone else? Not an issue.

i gotta question, whats up with people pushing people infront of the subway in new york? you ever look over shoulder waiting for your train or you ever see anything like that being a native? you got any good subway stories and finally is rakims mic really as dangerous as the third rail?

Yeah, that was a fucked up month. I mean, people fall onto the tracks with some regularity but the recent rash of people getting pushed is fucking terrifying. I never was the type to be too concerned with that happening to me but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been a little more cautious lately. I always have headphones on so I’m super susceptible to some lunatic pushing me. Nowadays, I stand more towards the middle of the platform. Speaking of people getting pushed into trains, I recently saw an old clip from that HBO show “Taxi Cab Confessions” where a cop tells the driver about what happens to the human body when it gets caught between a subway car and the platform. It’s pretty much the most awful shit ever

Block, how often do you listen to your own music when you’re not producing?

Rarely if ever. Unless I’m making something new (in which case I listen to it all the time as a means to fine tune it), I have no interest in listening to my own music. I made it. With all the process that goes into that, you can imagine I’d be pretty fucking tired of hearing it after a while. I will occasionally go back to my really old shit (early aesop stuff or my first album) just to see how it holds up but that’s about as far as it goes.

Did you know Marvin Gaye’s father was a pastor and cross dresser? If his ghost came to you one night, and said that you had to stand on the corner of E. 5th and Second Ave in drag fucking the rotting corpse of a duck in front of your girlfriend (she doesn’t know what you are planning to do) for 15 minutes, would you do it? In return, THE real Marvin Gaye would send you an original song from the other side, including vocals, for you to record… If yes, would you feel good about yourself?

I’m a Marvin Gaye fan but I don’t think I’d do anything remotely close to that under any circumstance. As much as I’d like to have an original Marvin Gaye song to play with, fucking a rotting duck (Are you 10 years old?) in front of my girl just seems a bit far fetched. Call me crazy! Also, not to nitpick but fucking the duck for 15 minutes? That’s a long time…ducks are small…and this one is rotting. It wouldn’t last more than a few minutes. Basically what I’m saying is that I would tear that duck up, bro.

There is a topic in music, that while hard to name is very familiar, summed up with: “Play your early shit”/”I only like his first album.” It touches on artist progression, what is fandom, the temporal nature of music (what you listened to in high school) among many other things. Even putting aside the hipster aspect, it seems like artists don’t like these people. Is that fair?

Is a fan of, say, Def Jux-era El-P less of a (“legit?”) fan than someone who got into him around C4C from the perspective of the artist?

Are all people who prefer the “old stuff” universally more annoying? Could it just be that the fans who would bring up “Music by Cavelight”= the best to your face, are annoying people generally; whereas a “legitimate”/”intelligent” fan might hold that opinion, but that wouldn’t be one of the first things out of their mouth?

Oh man…this is EVERY artists pet peeve. And, unfortunately, it’s what 95% of fans do.
I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been told/asked by fans “When you gonna make another “Music by Cavelight”?”. It’s such an annoying and short sighted question on so many levels I really don’t know how to answer it.
As musicians, we go through changes. Some evolve naturally while others force their change (on some Black Eyed Peas shit). For those of us who do it naturally, being told over and over again how your best work was your first album is kind of a slap in the face. This is because, to us, that’s are most basic shit. I listen to “Music by cavelight” now and I’m like “I get it…but I also don’t think it’s fucking with anything I’m doing now”. Where as a typical fan just won’t have the same connection with the newer work. You made a good point about what people listen to when they were young. Those are the impressionable years. Therefor, the music you loved then will always hold a place in your heart. It’s just unfortunate that fans rarely grow WITH the artists. I mean, it’s nobodies fault…it’s just kinda how it is.

As for how I view the fans, I definitely have more respect for the learned fan who’s actually listened to all the albums and made a choice from there. You can tell who they are too..cause the ones who are just all about one album are usually people who have only really bumped that one album and skimmed the rest (if that). In fact, I’ll be at the merch booth at my shows sometimes and fan won’t even be aware I have 5 albums. They thought I stopped after the second one. That always boggles my mind, not cause they don’t know about the newer albums, but cause they came to a show to see a dude who they thinks topped making music 8 years ago.
It should be also noted that , while it’s frustrating as an artist, you can’t really blame the fans for liking what they like. As much as I want everyone to like my newest album the best, it just doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you gotta just take solace in the fact that you have any fans at all.

Yo Block! What’s your attitude towards scratching and turntablism? Do you own a pair of turntables and a mixer (+ some serato or traktor shit) and are able of doing some crazy shit like Q-bert does, (u know, scratchin, beat jugglin, flares and blurps etc.) or at least a part of it? I heard some scratches on your tracks and was wondering if it’s yours? Apart from that, do you follow what’s happening in turntablism world right now: either with your Ninja Tune buddies (Kid Koala or Kentaro) or other guys like C2C? What do you think of their music in terms of production or pure technical skills?

I do not scratch. Never have, never will. It’s just never been something that really interested me. I don’t really follow it and all the scratches on my albums have been other people (Dj Signify and Omega one). It’s not that I dislike it (obviously, i think it’s cool enough to use scratches on my albums) , I just never got that deep into it.
Scratching is something I think 95% of is somewhat boring and pointless but the 5% that do take it to that next level are amazing to me. Kid Koala , specifically, was the first DJ I saw live that I was like “Damn..beyond all the technical skill, that dude is a musician”.

I’m pretty sure you wanted a longer more specific answer to this but I really don’t have much else to add. Turntablism is cool and all, I just don’t care THAT much about it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 18

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Well, it’s that time again. That time where I play god with people who wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last man on earth. But that’s part of the fun, isn’t it?
While I got you here, I need some new names to throw into the “fuck/marry/kill” pile. The ones I have left are stale or I don’t know who the people are. So, if you got any interesting ideas, leave them in the comments below. Sets of three is the preferred method. Just as a heads up, please don’t put any of these names in cause I have already done them to death: Lady GaGa, Britney spears, any political female, Katy perry, Natalie portman, Courtney love, Madonna, and pretty much any pop icon you can think of. What I’m asking is for you to get creative. The less obvious, the better.
Okay, let’s start off with a nice easy one that doesn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth.

F/M/K community girls:alison brie, lauren stamile, gillian jacobs.

Marry: Alison Brie
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This was a tough choice as all three of these ladies are hot and actually kinda funny. So, really, this just comes down to personal preference. I’ve always preferred brunettes to blondes and Brie also got the curves. But you know what really sold me on her? The chance that she might be a jewish. Now, I could be totally wrong…she could be swedish for all I know. But there is something jewish-y about her and I’ve long said that Jewish girls are an underrated source of great sexual pleasure. Sure, in a marriage, things would wane but those first few years? Top Notch.

Kill:Lauren Stamile
Burn Notice - Season 6
There’s nothing wrong with her except that I’m the least familiar with her of the three. She’s a very pretty girl who I’d gladly fuck or marry under different circumstances but I’m afraid she’s just up against some real ringers. Sorry Lauren. You lived fast and died young. RIP

Fuck: Gillian Jacobs
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Because my preference lies with the darker haired ladies, sometimes you wanna switch things up. I’m certainly attracted to blondes as well (men’s “preferences” are only as strict as their options) and Jacobs is a quintessential hot blonde. Much like Alison Brie, she’s also cool and funny. This was no easy choice but, really, I’m gonna win regardless of who i pick in this one (minus having to murder that poor, sweet Lauren Stamile girl).

F/M/K: Ann Romney, Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton

Fuck: Ann Romney
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Both literally and figuratively, I would fuck Ann Romney (in this situation). She’s an “attractive” older woman who’s been sleeping with a cardboard cut out for the majority of her life. I would be doing her a service by stepping in and trying to knock the dust off that thing. While I imagine sex with a Mormon to be the sexual equivalent to toasted rye bread with orange marmalade on it, it just seems like the right thing to do.

Marry: Michelle Obama
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She seems like a good time. She’s aging well and , on the low, I’m attracted to women who roll their eyes at boring old white men. While I’m kinda turned off by women with underbites (it’s just one of those random pet peeves of mine), there’s simply no way I’m marrying the other two options so this was actually a pretty easy choice.

Kill: Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton at senate hearing
Now, before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out. This game isn’t about political views. If it was, I’d obviously kill Ann Romney. This is about the reality of the situation. say what you will, but Hillary has the sexual dynamics of a bag of hair rollers. So, sex is off the table. While I could have just married her and lived a life of sullen, compressed rage I just figured this would be best. She’s a great women (I think…I don’t really follow politics) but in this situation, I must quote the poet laureates Souls of Mischief when I say “That’s when ya lost”. She’s simply devoid of any attractiveness of such a level that , yes, I’d rather fuck Ann Romney. Sorry.

F/M/K: Denise Richards. Jamie Pressly. Nicky Whelan

Kill: Denise Richards
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20 year old me would slap the shit out of me for even considering such a thing but, hey, it’s not 96 anymore. While she is still looking great for her age, of this group, she’s coming up last. There is no doubt she was once considered one of my favorite girls ever in her day. Her role in “Wild Things” was life changing for me (in the sense that I masturbated to it a few times). But time keeps moving, Charlie Sheen taints the pool and botox happens. Just to be clear, I would most definitely like to have sex with old ass Denise Richards, just not out of this bunch.

Marry:Nicky Whelan
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Not gonna lie…i had to google her. Even when I saw pics she didn’t ring a bell. Luckily, All it took for me to know I would take her hand in marriage was about 6 pictures of her at the beach. Goddamn. I hope she’s not an awful person. That would suck. But, then again, divorce is so normal now , what’s the big deal? PUT A RING ON IT.

Fuck: Jamie Pressly
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Much like Denise Richards, I got a long history with jocking Jamie Pressly. However, While I did think Richards was one of the greats of her time, very few people on earth are fucking with Jamie Pressly Circa “Poison Ivy 3“. This probably made for cable movie was shit in the sense that she was in it and naked the entire movie. One of the best bodies I’ve ever seen. So, while she has aged and her skin has gotten somewhat leathery and tight , I’m still holding over strong feelings for her from that era. She’s like the equivalent of that girl you always sweated in high school that , even though the years have been rough on her, you’re still always gonna be down to sleep with cause she resonated so deeply in your formative years. Jamie Pressly 4EVA.

F/M/K:whopper/baconator/mc rib
Let me start off by saying I try not to eat fast food anymore. Not cause I don’t think it’s delicious but cause I’m not a fan of shitting the second I’m done chewing my last bite. However, make no mistake, if it wasn’t terrible for me and didn’t cause instant diarrhea, I’d be all over it.

Fuck:Baconater
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I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know they still made this but, I’m in! You say “bacon” to me and dick twitches. I like it that much. But it’s much better suited for the special occasion , as opposed to an all the time kinda thing. So, I’d gladly slip in between the greasy buns of this heart attack on bread. YOLO, bro.

Marry: Whopper
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How you not gonna marry the tried and true original? The thing is, burgers have come and gone but this bitch been around since the jump. The reason I’d marry the whopper is cause she’s tested. She’s stood the test of time. As much as I love Bacon (and I fucking love bacon) I couldn’t have it all the time. A whopper? I could do that all day and night…or until I die of super diabetes.

Kill:McRib
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What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why does this thing keep coming back? I love bbq and I love pork but this is neither of those things. It’s a sweet, slathered in bum shit imitation pork paddy on bread. It’s jail food. It boggles my mind when ever it makes a comeback and people get legit excited about it. It’s like “hey dude, you know there’s actual good food on earth, right?” It would be like getting excited for a new season of “Las Vegas”. I simply don’t know or understand who these people are that make things like this happen. DEAD.

Song of the day 1/24/13

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Stop Shammin’ By Big Daddy Kane
http://www.divshare.com/download/23545284-1e7

I was recently reminded of some of the forgotten work of one of my favorite all time rappers. I’m in that age group where Rakim, Kool G Rap, and Big Daddy Kane will always be in my top 3. Like all rappers though, people get old and lose their edge. While I’d by lying if i said I was really checking for any of these dudes currently, all three of them had a deep and profound effect on the way I listen to hip hop. They were the elite mc’s when I was young and, even after they peaked, a lot of that older shit they did still held up to the standards of whatever was current in hip hop.
In the case of Big Daddy Kane, he had some up’s and downs. After releasing two classic albums (Long live the Kane and It’s a big daddy thing), he saw the first signs of backlash with his album “A taste of chocolate”. While I understand why, I also felt it was wildly slept on and very unfairly judged. But, instead of me explaining why, peep this video right here where RA the Rugged man breaks it down perfectly:

Anyway, because “A Taste of Chocolate” was so intensely judged, the next album was a crucial one for kane. So what did he do? He dropped a dud. “Prince of darkness” , while it had a few moments, was easily the worst Kane album (during his still capable years). Filled with bullshit slow jams and pretty much playing like exactly what people had been saying about his previous album. It’s like he took the criticism and was like “They think that’s soft? Wait’ll they hear this..). After “Prince of Darkness” A lot of people had seemingly threw in the towel on Kane. His loverboy style of rap has gone overboard , he was seemingly mailing it in and people just didn’t wanna hear that shit anymore.
Well, someone must have alerted Kane of this cause he did what so many rappers before him who had had similar fall offs had done…he made a “return to the streets” album. Now, normally, this would be some pandering bullshit that was just the fallen rapper kicking thuggy rhymes in a last ditch effort to regain the fans he had lost by rapping like a pussy. But, in the case of Kane, he was actually still a good enough rapper to pull it off. His album “Looks like a job for…”, featuring a photo of him in a hoodie on the cover, was a return to form. Sure, he wasn’t the same kane who change the game but he was still good enough to make a strong album. So, while “Looks like a job for…” wasn’t fucking with his older catalogue, it was still a good album.
Anyway, I write all that to write this: I had all but forgotten this album until recently and I had a chance to revisit some of it. This song was always one of my favorites from it. Not only the rhymes but that beat? goddamn. Easy Moe bee for the win. Good stuff.
As a bonus, here’s Big Daddy Kane Primer course for those young’uns out there too young to know…Here are some highlights from all his albums up to “Looks like a job for…”
Long Live the kane


It’s a big daddy thing


A taste of Chocolate


Prince of Darkness (This is where things went to shit…)


Ughh…He was definitely mailing it on the highest level there but it did have this song

Looks like a job for…


Mtv is kinda doing things right now…

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I know. You don’t own a TV. I get it. You’re too fucking smart and read too many books to waste your time ever watching some reality show on MTV. Well, while you’re thumbing through the dictionary learning words and shit, I’m at home being a fucking sociologist! That’s right…I’m watching TV as a means to learn about my fellow man.
Over the last few months, I gotta hand it to MTV. They’ve made not one, but THREE new shows that I, as a full grown male adult, can enjoy on some bizarre level.
It’s been a long time since this has happened. After years of teen moms and sweet 16’s, it would appear they have finally hit the nail on the head. Well, maybe that’s going overboard. Lemme rephrase that. It would appear they have turned over some stones and found something of slight worth.
Because I’m assuming you are all too good to watch MTV cause you’re too busy eating gluten free everything and doing yoga, allow me to explain these three shows I’m speaking of. Perhaps I can even sway you to let your brain rest for a bit and just enjoy some good old , mind numbing tv. Doesn’t that sound nice? Sure it does.
Think of these like reviews , if you will…Why not?

Catfish

Catfish is a show based on a documentary about a dude who finds out his online relationship is totally made up. He does detective work and actually meets the person he had been talking to all this time, only to find out she was not who she claimed to me. Sound familiar? Considering what’s going on with that Manti te’o guy right now, this topic is more relative than it’s ever been. Basically, it’s an expose on the lengths people will go and reasons people lie on the internet.
The premise of the TV show is to help people involved in questionable internet love webs see who the real person is behind the curtain. Turns out, 9 out of 10 times , The wizard of Oz is just some lonely, insecure and morbidly obese person. For this reason, I prefer to call this show “Fatfish”.
The host, Nev Shulman, is an affable jew that every white girl loves. He’s so kind and understanding that it almost makes you think he can’t be serious. His sympathy knows no bounds. He entertains the dreams of the delusional like few other before him. They will be sitting there, telling him their story about how they met this dude online four years ago and have never spoken or met him even thoughh he lives 2 towns over and Nev will nod his head with a look in his eyes that reads “I know, he’s THE ONE”. Even after the story is told and Nev and his co-host start doing research on this person (which always turns up faulty info and clearly dismantles the dreams of this person even before they have a chance to meet their “soul mate”), Nev still manages to keep a straight face and blow just enough smoke up their asses in order for the pay off…the face to face meeting between the two internet lovers.
I always watch this show with my girl and she’s just waiting for that one episode where things work out. Where the person on the other end of the relationship is actually who they say they are. But it will never happen. Why? Because that’s how these things work. There is no logical reason to NOT ever speak, skype, send new pics or meet someone you are involved with. I’m not just talking dick pics either. I’m talking basic interaction. So, if it’s been years of telling someone you love them over facebook messages but never , ever meeting that person? You best believe the person on the other side of that screen is hiding something huge, be it a belly, or a tucked in penis.
Of the three shows, this one is easily the best in all senses of the word. It’s actually riveting in a non-ironic way. It’s fucked up enough to appeal to the anti-social folks out there and it’s got a documentary angle to it that lends itself to the show actually being put together well. Sure, Nev is definitely exploiting these people under the guise of being the most caring and sensitive man on the planet but I’d argue it’s for a better cause. These are people that need to be smacked into reality cause they obviously can’t grasp life off the internet. This show is a realistic look at the world we live in right now, sitting behind our computers and trusting everything a little too much. This is a show I’d even tell my mom to watch. The other two…not so much…

Buckwild

It’s redneck jersey shore. That’s all it is. I could go into a long winded description of it but what’s the point?
However, before you write it off, let’s not forget that Jersey shore was once an awesome show. It was awesome cause it was a reality show where “real” shit went down. By “real” I don’t mean “actual” I just mean rugged. People fucked. People fought. People got alcohol poisoning. The difference between “Buckwild” and “Jersey shore” is subtle. While Jersey Shore followed the lives of a bunch of guido’s in their early/mid 20’s trolling for pussy in the world’s corniest beach town, Buckwild is a hair younger and they give less of a fuck. These are kids who I’m not even 100% sure are the legal drinking age yet. Some of them look in their late teens. All they do is get fucked up and do redneck shit. Redneck shit is that happy medium between hoodrat shit and an episode of Jackass. No gym, tan or laundry here. These half witted yokels ride mud buggies during the day and then get obliterated at night to entertaining results. They’re like a cast of Maury show rejects with no adult supervision what so ever. I’ve often compared pitbulls to dumb frat boys. This show is like if you took a whole kennel of untrained pitbulls and gave the jello shots. It’s mayhem. Not to mention a few of these dudes are so southern they need subtitles when they talk. That’s always a good time.
I recommend this show to people who really want to take a break from thinking. It is the mindless time waster you’ve been craving. It’s never dark or deep…it’s just dumb motherfuckers being dumb while doing dumb shit. It may lead to you becoming sterile but it’s pretty harmless. Also, If it lasts more than 2 seasons I’ll be fucking shocked.

Washington Heights
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http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/862499/washington-heights-trailer.jhtml#id=1698383

This one is special cause I can’t help but think of the pitch to get this show made…

Pitch guy:Okay, so there’s the neighborhood in upper Manhattan called “Washington heights”. It’s full of “flava” and drama, so I’m told. I’m thinking we could make a reality show…Kinda like “The hills” but in the hood.
MTV Exec:Go on…
Pitch guy: So, this neighborhood is where all the dominicans live…
MTV Exec: Wait…What’s a “dominican”?
Pitch guy: It’s like a puerto rican I think, I dunno…I’ll have my people look into that detail.
MTV:Very good, But how are we gonna sell this show to a country that barely knows what puerto ricans are? I mean, you realize that the east coast is only a small part of the country…
Pitch guy: No, I get that. But what if we take these dominicans and their neighborhood and give it the MTV treatment? Make it look glamorous? Sure, they live in 2 bedroom apartments with their extended families in buildings where people piss in elevators…but we can make them look fabulous. Like have them eating at all these hip restaurants…
MTV guy: Are you sure they have those up there?
Pitch guy: No, but I figure if we just make up some outside seating at whatever diner they live near, it’ll look fancy enough.
MTV guy: Good point. But…I dunno…how is the rest of the country going to relate to this tiny sub-culture? we need something…something…umm…white?
Pitch guy: I hear you loud and clear. We’ve already got a misplaced white girl lined up. We’re thinking that she will be the connecting link between these dominicans and all the people watching the show who never even knew that was a race of people.
MTV guy: Excellent. Also, they’re gonna need to have dream, aspirations and shit like that.
Pitch guy: For sure. We got it all mapped out. We got a rapper, a poet, an artist , a fashion designer and a baseball player…maybe even one wants to be an actor? We’ll see.
MTV guy: Perfect! oh, just one thing, no blunt smoking! I wanna keep this positive. Kinda like how we never showed the girls on “The hills” doing coke and sucking dick. Also, I wanna keep the brown bagged 40’s and them saying “nigga” to a minimum.
Pitch guy: No problem. We can fix all that in editing.

And, from there, this show was born.
Watching this show is pure bliss for me because it’s such amazing bullshit. Sure, these kids may be real but the world they’ve (the shows creators) created to be Washington Heights is another story. It looks more like Soho heights. I legit feel bad for the people who live there now cause it is indeed one of the last remaining real neighborhoods in Manhattan and it’s about to get over run with stupid white people who saw a tv show and moved to NYC. Sure, some gentrification has happened over the years but it’s maintained it’s balance better than most hoods have. That is, until now. This show is like an attack on the heights authenticity. Much like how “Sex in the city” turned my downtown neighborhood into a a shell of it’s former self, this show could very well be the beginning of the end of Washington Heights as we know it. There is no doubt in my mind, hundreds of people from all over the country , who had never even knew of this area existing have light bulbs going off in their heads thinking “that place looks like somewhere i could move!”. After all, everyone know that, while Brooklyn is the place to be, the price is high to live there. Why not move to the heights? Well, there are many reasons for your typical midwest white to not move there but they sure as hell can’t tell from this show. Let the gentrification begin.
Now , reading this, you’re probably thinking “Why the fuck are you watching this shit then?” and it’s a justified question. I guess cause I can’t take my eyes off of it. It’s not quite a car crash (though that girl reading her spoken word poem “Uptown, my uptown” was one of the more hilarious/cringeworthy things I’ve seen in a long time) but it’s fascinating to me. I like to watch for small flares of the real Washington Heights to pop out. Amidst this fantasized version of 175th street and
Fort Washington ave, the fact is they are still in the hood. It’s not the scariest neighborhood on any level but it’s still the hood. Yet, somehow, they manage to minimize those realities and make it look like a rustic beach town. But when those hood elements pop? It feels good, man. Cause really, an actual real reality show about Washington Heights would be incredible.
Beyond all that, it should also be noted that a good amount of people on this show are actually likable. As corny as the spoken word poet girl is, she’s very sweet. The hipster art nerd dude seems like he belongs in Williamsburg but he’s nice enough. Even the lauren conrad of the show, a rapper named “Autobon” , is even somewhat likable. That may not make people want to watch the show but it something different than most MTV reality shows. But, really, when all else fail, you can’t go wrong with a hood cat fight…

This show is for the soap opera reality show types. The people who watched Laguna beach and The hills. Whether or not those same people will want to watch a show about a small subculture of latino’s in NYC remains to be seen but, really, the plots point remain the same.