Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 18


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Well, it’s that time again. That time where I play god with people who wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last man on earth. But that’s part of the fun, isn’t it?
While I got you here, I need some new names to throw into the “fuck/marry/kill” pile. The ones I have left are stale or I don’t know who the people are. So, if you got any interesting ideas, leave them in the comments below. Sets of three is the preferred method. Just as a heads up, please don’t put any of these names in cause I have already done them to death: Lady GaGa, Britney spears, any political female, Katy perry, Natalie portman, Courtney love, Madonna, and pretty much any pop icon you can think of. What I’m asking is for you to get creative. The less obvious, the better.
Okay, let’s start off with a nice easy one that doesn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth.

F/M/K community girls:alison brie, lauren stamile, gillian jacobs.

Marry: Alison Brie
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This was a tough choice as all three of these ladies are hot and actually kinda funny. So, really, this just comes down to personal preference. I’ve always preferred brunettes to blondes and Brie also got the curves. But you know what really sold me on her? The chance that she might be a jewish. Now, I could be totally wrong…she could be swedish for all I know. But there is something jewish-y about her and I’ve long said that Jewish girls are an underrated source of great sexual pleasure. Sure, in a marriage, things would wane but those first few years? Top Notch.

Kill:Lauren Stamile
Burn Notice - Season 6
There’s nothing wrong with her except that I’m the least familiar with her of the three. She’s a very pretty girl who I’d gladly fuck or marry under different circumstances but I’m afraid she’s just up against some real ringers. Sorry Lauren. You lived fast and died young. RIP

Fuck: Gillian Jacobs
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Because my preference lies with the darker haired ladies, sometimes you wanna switch things up. I’m certainly attracted to blondes as well (men’s “preferences” are only as strict as their options) and Jacobs is a quintessential hot blonde. Much like Alison Brie, she’s also cool and funny. This was no easy choice but, really, I’m gonna win regardless of who i pick in this one (minus having to murder that poor, sweet Lauren Stamile girl).

F/M/K: Ann Romney, Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton

Fuck: Ann Romney
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Both literally and figuratively, I would fuck Ann Romney (in this situation). She’s an “attractive” older woman who’s been sleeping with a cardboard cut out for the majority of her life. I would be doing her a service by stepping in and trying to knock the dust off that thing. While I imagine sex with a Mormon to be the sexual equivalent to toasted rye bread with orange marmalade on it, it just seems like the right thing to do.

Marry: Michelle Obama
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She seems like a good time. She’s aging well and , on the low, I’m attracted to women who roll their eyes at boring old white men. While I’m kinda turned off by women with underbites (it’s just one of those random pet peeves of mine), there’s simply no way I’m marrying the other two options so this was actually a pretty easy choice.

Kill: Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton at senate hearing
Now, before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out. This game isn’t about political views. If it was, I’d obviously kill Ann Romney. This is about the reality of the situation. say what you will, but Hillary has the sexual dynamics of a bag of hair rollers. So, sex is off the table. While I could have just married her and lived a life of sullen, compressed rage I just figured this would be best. She’s a great women (I think…I don’t really follow politics) but in this situation, I must quote the poet laureates Souls of Mischief when I say “That’s when ya lost”. She’s simply devoid of any attractiveness of such a level that , yes, I’d rather fuck Ann Romney. Sorry.

F/M/K: Denise Richards. Jamie Pressly. Nicky Whelan

Kill: Denise Richards
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20 year old me would slap the shit out of me for even considering such a thing but, hey, it’s not 96 anymore. While she is still looking great for her age, of this group, she’s coming up last. There is no doubt she was once considered one of my favorite girls ever in her day. Her role in “Wild Things” was life changing for me (in the sense that I masturbated to it a few times). But time keeps moving, Charlie Sheen taints the pool and botox happens. Just to be clear, I would most definitely like to have sex with old ass Denise Richards, just not out of this bunch.

Marry:Nicky Whelan
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Not gonna lie…i had to google her. Even when I saw pics she didn’t ring a bell. Luckily, All it took for me to know I would take her hand in marriage was about 6 pictures of her at the beach. Goddamn. I hope she’s not an awful person. That would suck. But, then again, divorce is so normal now , what’s the big deal? PUT A RING ON IT.

Fuck: Jamie Pressly
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Much like Denise Richards, I got a long history with jocking Jamie Pressly. However, While I did think Richards was one of the greats of her time, very few people on earth are fucking with Jamie Pressly Circa “Poison Ivy 3“. This probably made for cable movie was shit in the sense that she was in it and naked the entire movie. One of the best bodies I’ve ever seen. So, while she has aged and her skin has gotten somewhat leathery and tight , I’m still holding over strong feelings for her from that era. She’s like the equivalent of that girl you always sweated in high school that , even though the years have been rough on her, you’re still always gonna be down to sleep with cause she resonated so deeply in your formative years. Jamie Pressly 4EVA.

F/M/K:whopper/baconator/mc rib
Let me start off by saying I try not to eat fast food anymore. Not cause I don’t think it’s delicious but cause I’m not a fan of shitting the second I’m done chewing my last bite. However, make no mistake, if it wasn’t terrible for me and didn’t cause instant diarrhea, I’d be all over it.

Fuck:Baconater
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I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know they still made this but, I’m in! You say “bacon” to me and dick twitches. I like it that much. But it’s much better suited for the special occasion , as opposed to an all the time kinda thing. So, I’d gladly slip in between the greasy buns of this heart attack on bread. YOLO, bro.

Marry: Whopper
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How you not gonna marry the tried and true original? The thing is, burgers have come and gone but this bitch been around since the jump. The reason I’d marry the whopper is cause she’s tested. She’s stood the test of time. As much as I love Bacon (and I fucking love bacon) I couldn’t have it all the time. A whopper? I could do that all day and night…or until I die of super diabetes.

Kill:McRib
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What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why does this thing keep coming back? I love bbq and I love pork but this is neither of those things. It’s a sweet, slathered in bum shit imitation pork paddy on bread. It’s jail food. It boggles my mind when ever it makes a comeback and people get legit excited about it. It’s like “hey dude, you know there’s actual good food on earth, right?” It would be like getting excited for a new season of “Las Vegas”. I simply don’t know or understand who these people are that make things like this happen. DEAD.

21 thoughts on “Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 18

  1. Dear Uncle Tony,

    I haven’t posted a comment in a while, it brings peace to my mind to know that cynicism still pumps through your veins. Today, however, was a true gem. I literally laughed through every word I read. Thanks a bunch pal, I really needed that. Especially the “sexual dynamics of a bag of hair rollers” bit and the McRib “what the fuck is wrong with you people?”, “slathered bum shit”, I’m laughing typing this. Great read, as always.

  2. J. Lo, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara (now)

    Adina Howard, Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton (all in the mid 1990s, or now, fuck it)

    Chick with a perfect (whatever that means to you) ass and nothing else good, A chick with perfect titties and nothing else good, A chick with a perfect face and nothing else good. (they all have great personalities, no kids, no baggage, etc.)

    Tarantino movies, Spike Lee movies, Michael Bay movies (admittedly, it was hard to think of a relevant 3rd choice so I just put the worst big budget director I could think of)

    Rap City. Yo MTV raps, or Video Music Box

    Ipod, Discman, Walkman

    Curly Fries, Waffle Fries, Traditional Fries

  3. Props on the Poison Ivy reference…let’s broaden your horizons and go international…
    You’ll probably have to google these but…

    Carice Van Houten
    Lea Seydoux
    Paz Vega

    Or g4 chicks

    Olivia Munn
    Candace Bailey
    Sara Underwood

  4. dear block

    i know you don’t follow politics. but im v truly dissapointed that you killed Hilary Clinton. she rlly means a lot to me and now that she’s gone . . . i jus cant.

    • Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland.
      Marge Simpson, Not-dead Maude Flanders, Luann Van Houten.
      Maureen, Janet, and Latoya Jackson.
      Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, June Carter Cash.

  5. Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “Set It Off” edition.

    Jada Pinkett Smith
    Vivica A. Fox
    Kimberly Elise

    Queen Latifah is just going to sit this one out.

  6. Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “misogynist” edition.

    A girl that does your laundry
    A girl that does the dishes
    A girl that knows how to make a mean sandwich

  7. You ever see that Aziz Ansari skit “Harris”? You’re last comment about Las Vegas made me think of it. YouTube it, funniest thing you’ll hear today.

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