Demo reviews Vol. 17

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Fresh out the box, some new demo reviews. This is that thing where I asked my readers to send in demos for me me to review. I warned them that I would be brutally honest but they sent them anyway.
Normally I shut down the submissions but I figured I’d try something new and keep them open. If you have a demo you’d like me to maybe berate and possibly hurt your feelings over, send it to my email: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com but before you do that…
YOU MUST FOLLOW THE RULES THOUGH…They are:
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like divshare.com, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. I also would ask that you budding producers don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I won’t even listen to it.
You fuck up on any of those rules and I’m throwing your submission right into the trash.
This weeks submissions are a little of this and little of that. More than anything, it’s a bunch of artists who picked their names and their song names terribly. I’m not even one to talk but, jesus, get it together. Misspelling words with an S to now have a Z is beyond played out. But that’s just the tip of the IZBERG. Peep it…

Artist:Ronnie Raygun Ft Wurmz!
Song:Thereputic

I have no idea what’s going on here. To start , this sample sounds very familiar. Did Doom use it? It’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t place it. Regardless, whoever did use it before, used it better. And then we have the rapping…I think this is where I get confused. The way it was mixed i thought it was a sample of the ramblings of a crazy person that would eventually lead into rapping. I was incorrect. The second guy might be a little better (still, far from good) but the way it’s recorded is so muddy it’s hard to even tell.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:2 out of 10
Listenability:2.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Michael Myers
song:Little funny jew jew


Not gonna lie, based on the title , I thought we were about to behold the newest anti-semetic street anthem. Thankfully, It’s not that. However, this just kinda “is”. By that, I mean, it’s not terrible but it’s not very interesting. The guy can rap to an extent and the beat is almost dope. It more just seems like the work of a novice. It also feels a little dated. Like the type of song that would have been made in the late 90’s. Not the worst thing I’ve gotten though.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Chris Olvera
Song:To take something beautiful and re-imagine it


That piano loop is one of those things that should be left alone. Once a song has been used in commercials endlessly, it should be off limits to sampling simply based on that it’s too familiar. But , then again, looking at the title, maybe that’s the point.
This one starts off weirdly cause the non-piano instruments don’t 100% sounds in key with the piano. But it picks up around 1:17 and takes a decent turn. Still, this song is WAY too long and the sample layering is somewhat problematic from a pitch standpoint. This could have been three minutes long and it wouldn’t have made a difference.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Bump Ugly Beats
Song:Whistle


I like the musical aspects of this song. It’s pretty and very soothing. Kinda just meanders aimlessly but it’s a smooth ride. The subtle nod to trap music drums are not my favorite but I have a feeling that more a preference issue than a mark against the producer. No bad though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Newce
Song:Low.End.Be.Hold


This is another one that sounds like it shoulda have been made a decade ago. This is a purely early 2000’s “jazzy” track that was very popular back then. Thing is, this beat is weirdly atonal and doesn’t work for me. It’s like free jazz over drums. On the bright side, it’s sequenced really interestingly and the rapping is decent. So, that helps the cause a bit.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Alpha Faktion Feat Shabaam Sahdeeq
Song:BodyBagz


Haha…Pretty sure I’ve sampled this same thing before. Not a knock cause it has not been released yet. In fact, now that i think about it, I used on a song I did with Mark Spekt on our upcoming project together. So, you know, keep an eye out for that.
As for the song, obviously, I like the loop. The drums are not really doing much though. Especially considering the thuggy vibe of the song, you’d think harder drums would be crucial.
The rapping? It’s that sort of rapping that I recognize is decent but it’s not really shit I fuck with. Angry guy rap has it’s moments but they are few and far between. When angry guy rap is done by white dudes I can’t help imagine that they’re just disgruntled plumbers who hate their lives let loose in a recording booth. Not saying all these dudes are white or anything…more of a side note about the genre. So, this is good for what it is. I’ve actually never been a big Shabaam Sahdeeq fan before but hearing him amidst a bunch of demo’s, he actually stands out and noticeably professional. Still though, he’s pretty whatever.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Warspawn
Song:Sunlight


This is some barebones shit. I like the beat. It’s simple but effective. Has a few little change ups (I can’t stress enough how much this improves your average rap song). Th rapping is solid. Not exactly something I’d listen to on my own but it’s closer than anything I’ve heard thus far. Ironically, this guys voice kinda sounds like Shabaam Sahdeeq.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Vincture
Song: Caretaker


This could not be further out of wheelhouse if it was banjo music. I’m not a dub-step, electro kinda guy. honestly, I wouldn’t even know what genre to call this. It sounds like nazi’s marching over a tinny hi-hat while a giant has indigestion in the back ground. Normally, I’d chalk this up to just not being my flavor but i think, even within the realms of whatever genre this is, it’s probably not very good. I could be wrong though so, you know, take that with a grain of salt.
On the bright side, I’ve never heard anything like it.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:1 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Akela the Lone Wolf Feat. HZRDS RSNS
Song: Villians


This guys voice is mad like Jay-z if he mumbled a little. It’s uncanny.
As a rapper, he’s sorta just there. When put back to back with the second guy, he kinda gets overshadowed. The second guy is flawed but he’s got a really good presence. He reminds me of late 90’s underground dudes from NYC I used to listen to.
The beat…I dunno. When I hear a track like this I wonder how it got made. Not cause it’s so bad but cause…well..what is it really? Spare, noisy, stuttering drums. It does capture a mood though so I guess that’s something. When I hear a track like this I assume whoever made it smokes mad weed and was in a dark place.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:3.5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist:Fantom K
Song: Stained glass dreams


This is like the opposite of the track by Vincture above. While it is out of my wheelhouse, I can recognize it’s pretty cool. It’s got an original sounding too. At first, i thought it was gonna be some super cheap ass sounding shit shit cause the synth sound seemed kinda flimsy but it built nicely. So, yeah, this is pretty good for a genre of music I would probably not listen to in general.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

You’ve heard my opinions..now, tell me!
Which demo did you like the most?

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 24


Ahhhh yess…It’s time once again for the worlds foremost mind on the topic of love and dating to let you people know what’s up. Okay, maybe that last sentence is total bullshit but, still, I give honest advice and try to no sugar coat things for you like you’re reading this in Jane magazine or some shit.
I always need more questions so, if you’re struggling in love, need advice on your weird relationship or simply feel lost about the opposite sex, send me your questions. Leave them in the comment section below or, better yet, email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I’m here to help.
Now, on to this weeks struggle.

Dr. Tony!
I could use some help in regards to first dates. I’ve always been kinda socially awkward and dates make me extremely nervous because of that. I’m pretty good when it comes to flirting via text but in person, I can get a little shy.
I recently met a guy, exchanged phone numbers, and have been texting him for several days now. He has just asked me out on an official dinner date for next weekend. While I am super excited, I am also clueless. Not only am I socially awkward, but I broke off a 4 year relationship back in the spring. My former boyfriend was the only boyfriend that I’ve had thus far and we never had a “first date” per say, we just jumped right into everything. I took a dating hiatus for several months after the breakup and then the two dates I went on after that have been with guys that I just felt no spark with. I’m hoping that this date will go well but having minimal dating experience (I’m in college), and being socially awkward, I could use some advice. Do you have any go-to topics to chat about to keep the conversation flowing and to avoid awkward scilences? Should I dress up or wear my everyday attire?Were there ever “deal breaker” type thingsthat you looked for on a first date that would rule out the chick’s chances for a second date? Finally, if all goes well, how many dates would you say is a good idea to wait before sleeping with someone? All of my guy friends say to not sleep together on the first date. In general, any first date tips and words of encouragement would be appreciated!
Sincerely, Socially Awkward Girl.

Man, dating is stupid. It puts all this extra pressure on people when the title “date” it strapped to what is essentially just two people hanging out. From the sound of things, you’re not really a “go out and get laid” type of girl so I’d venture to say you’re more traditional. So, really, “dates” are something you might wanna get used to. I think your issue is that , because you think you’re socially awkward, you’re over thinking the entire thing. Really, the pressure is more on the guy. He asked you out. It’s his job to charm you and make you feel comfortable. All you need to do is be there , be responsive and not sit there silently like a scarecrow with a vagina. If he is like most other breathing males he will want this date to go smoothly. That means he will do his best to avoid awkward silences. If he’s smart, he knows that means simply asking you questions as a means to steer the conversation. I have friends who can talk to anyone for hours about nothing simply by asking questions. It’s not that difficult and only goes wrong when the two people talking come to a disagreement point about a topic that makes them both recoil a little. “You love abortion? but i hate abortion!” and it’s all downhill from there.
However, this is a college dude and who knows less about dealing with women than a college dude? So, on the off chance the conversation lulls, I sometimes think it’s a good idea to throw caution to the wind and just address it. Not only will it speak on the elephant in the room but it may actually steer the conversation away from petty small talk into something a little more deep. often just facing insecurities head on is nice cause it gets it out of the way and relieves any stress that may have been there due to those feelings.
as for the other parts of the dates-
Dress code: Depends where you go (fancy restaurant means fancier clothes) but, again, you’re in college. He’s probably gonna take you to a place that serves chicken wings on wax paper. Just look cute. Men are simple. We don’t care about your shoes, handbags or earrings. Show of your body is a subtle way and make your face look like it you didn’t just wake up.
Deal breakers: That’s more of an individual thing. For example, while a deal breaker for me may be that the girl thinks the movie “party monster” changed her life, for you it might be that he didn’t use the proper fork for his salad. Both those things are petty but everyone has got their own issues. In this early stage, I’d say the deal breakers should be things like “he’s an asshole” or “he tries to finger you before the appetizers come out”.
When you should let him enter you: Again, there’s no set schedule for this. I would tend to agree with your male friends that fucking on the first date doesn’t bode well for long term relationships. So, if you see this dude as a possible father of your kids, make him wait a few dates. If , halfway through the date, you realize , while you’re attracted to him, he’s not really a long term type, fuck him right then and there on the table at the red lobster you’re eating at.
To close this out, I have a feeling your awkwardness is more in your head than anything. I say this cause you seem to have no trouble getting dates. I know some real awkward girls and they haven’t gotten asked on a date since the early 2000’s.So, you’re not as awkward as you think. You’re simply a girl in her early 20’s. There’s millions of you and I’m willing to bet 85%consider themselves awkward when, in fact, they’re just kinda normal.
Also, It sounds to me you’re just more of a “Relationship” type girl who wants to be treated respectfully. Nothing wrong with that. To be honest though, you’re in college. You should be getting sloppy and going home with dudes who’s name you don’t know from local bars. All that dating bullshit is for later in life. But, hey, to each his/her own.

So i’m dating this really cool girl from like a month and she’s beautiful,smart,has a great body…The problem is i started growing feelings for her and i dont think she feels the same about me. I dont think we are really connected., we are seeing each other 2 times a week but we talk daily on messenger. We go out on weekends and she sleeps at my place Saturday night. But last saturday she wasn’t in the mood for sex cause she said she isn’t feeling ok. Today,Wednesday,we were supposed hang out all afternoon but she had some problems to solve so we saw each other 1 hour. Today also told me she is thinking going to France to save money for master’s degree (we’re from Romania). I encourage her of course to folow her dreams and its not sure she will go at all. She is texting me every time she goes to sleep,so do i but maybe is only a routine for her,i dont know.
I wanna talk to her,tell her how i feel but something tells me thats not a good ideea,i dont wanna look too needy. We dont talk about our relationship at all,just kisses and small talk. So is there any chanse this is just how the way she is? not sentimental and stuff. Or she’s just not that into me and it won’t take long before she dumps me,what do you think Dr. Tony? 🙂

Sounds to me like you’re on the way out, bro. It sucks but it’s a reality. When a girl likes a dude, they’re rarely coy about it. especially after you’ve had sex with them. Not to mention , when you a have sex with a girl who likes you, they tend to want it again sooner than later. Even girls who have bad sex with a guy they like will take one for the team simply to be around that guy again. Also, this part: We had sex only once,she told me she liked it made me sad. It made me imagine you pulling of the condom and carefully placing it somewhere that you could later grab it and place it in a shrine, looking at her with doe eyes and asking if you did a good job. I’m hoping that’s not what happened but it certainly had an air of insecurity to it.
You also mentioned that you don’t have a connection with her so what’s the deal here? Are you just very attracted to her? Cause, how much can you really fall for someone you don’t have a connection with? That’s kinda how these things work. The connection is just as valuable as the attraction in the long run.
Regardless, it seems clear to me that you’re not going to be a permanent fixture in her life. You’re pretty low on her “To do” list already. My advice would be to milk her for as much sex as you can before she fully stops returning your texts…but I have a feeling it’s too late for that even.

so i dont know if this is the kind of love advice you dish out, you can even recatagorize it into answers for questions if you’d like

me and my girl have been dating 6 months, and for the most part everything is amazingly awesome. the problem is that when she drinks too much she wets the bed. my bed. the first time i kind of laughed it off and told her how cute it was while i stripped the bedsheets (which should have been her job in the first place). but now its been 5+ times. so probably at least once a month i wake up next to her wet and clammy and smelling like piss. she has a very small bladder she tells me, and she was supposed to get a surgery when she was a kid to fix it. so its not like its her fault per se. on a related note, she might sleep walk too. she’s come bursting into my room in the middle of the night asking why i left her on the couch in the front room before, and i was just bizarrely confused and told her that i was sleeping & i didnt know she was gone in the first place. so maybe she has sleep issues. the sleep walking doesnt seem to be severe as long as she doesnt hurt herself, but i just cant wake up soaked in piss anymore. i love her and im not going to dump her over something like this, but she gets upset when i tell her that she should go home at night and piss her own bed (in much nicer words of course). shes convinced that im using her bedwetting as an excuse to distance us from each other or so i dont have to spend time with her at night, but thats not the case at all. for your reference, ive asked her if she had this problem before we started dating and she said “no not often”, as opposed to “not since i was 5”, so i can only assume she pees the bed at home too and is kind of shy about telling me. also her room mate has told me she caught her sleep walking/trying to piss at the same time…. in the corner of her (the roommate’s) room. which makes me think maybe the bedwetting and sleep walking are all part of some bigger sleep issue where her body doesnt know its asleep or whatever. im not a scientist. and neither are you. but maybe you could give me some advice, yeah?

Man…that’s a messy situation. you must be pissed. AMIRITE?!?!!
Nah, but that does suck. She’s got problems that neither you nor I are fit to help her with. She’s obviously ashamed of herself. I mean, shit, she’s an adult that pisses the bed on the regular. The shittiest part is that it seems she’s made it so you can’t do anything about it under the guise of her thinking you want to “distance yourself from her”. That’s kinda putting you in a corner…and peeing on you, spiritually.
So, clearly, this problem is bigger than you and your relationship with her. Honestly, she needs professional help and has probably needed it for her entire adult life. I don’t know if you take her to a sleep specialist, a shrink, or a urologist…or all three…but it should be high on her to do list.
Also, if this only happens when she drinks perhaps she shouldn’t drink. Or just avoid her on nights she drinks. Just a thought. Worse case scenario , she gets wasted , goes home with some other dudes and pisses on his bed. I know that’s easier said than done but the next time she does drink just send her home. When she gets all pissy (in attitude) just tell her “Listen, this has nothing to do with my feelings towards you. I love you (or whatever) but I just don’t want to deal with cleaning up your piss with a hangover”. Obviously, that will go over terribly but she’s the one with the problem that needs to be addressed , not you. Maybe , like a piss soaked mattress, your words will one day sink in.

I have a question. This guy (32) has started staying over at my (34) house every night for the past week and a half. I don’t invite him and if he doesn’t call I don’t stress it or call him but infallibly he ends up calling and being like, hey can I come over him. I kind of like him so I say yes. He comes over and we cuddle and sleep (gayness). No messing around. I get naked because I sleep naked and I wouldn’t mind boning him. He sleeps with his arms around me. He keeps dropping lines like we should live together or maybe we should try dating. But I’ve told him that that would only work out for me if we were having sex. He is in his first year of residency as an OBGyn and is exhausted all the time not to mention he looks at pussy all day long. We have been friends for a couple of months but not intensely. He’s just all of a sudden become my bedmate?! Wtf is going on in this guys head??? At what point do I get the ween?? Is he just using me for some physical affection and my amazing bed? He was kind of dating one of the other residents (who is a virgin) but he seems to have just dropped her. I’ve encourage him to continue to pursue her since she’s a virgin and he doesn’t feel like fucking so it seems like a good match. Not to mention they are both republican. On the other hand if he would start givin me the dick I’d be open to a relationship with him. We are rather, how u say, sympatico. Maybe he just likes playing with my boobs. I just want some insight into his mind plz. Maybe I’m being too much of a man about this. I’m not looking to fuck right away but some making out would lead me to think that something might happen at some point?!?!

Never say “I’m being too much of a man about this” when discussing dudes. Cause, if all girls were “too much of a man” about matters like this, men and women would get along much better. You’re entitled to want to get laid. It’s you’re god (or whoever) given right. This dude sounds like a weird virgin. Any grown man who still fascinated with simply playing with boobs has some sort of stunted sexual issues. Boobs are great but if you’re in bed with a naked girl on multiple nights and that’s all you’re doing?
Dude sounds like he has an inverted penis or something.
I can’t really give you insight on his mind cause it doesn’t make sense to me. Unless he’s a bible loving republican who believes in no sex until marriage , than none of this makes sense to me. He just sounds like a homeless dude with the mind of a grifter. Does he have home? Why doesn’t he ever go there? The fact he’s in school to be an OBGYN is even crazier. He should know his way around a vagina.
Anyway, the whole thing is fishy to me. My advice to you would be to rape him. Start sucking him off, that’s usually a good way to get a dudes attention and then just take it from there. Have you never gone for his junk? Whatever the case, that power move will bring everything to a head (no pun intended).
In all honesty, I don’t think you wanna date this guy cause he sounds like a fucking loser. but i do believe that your curiosity is eating you alive. The fact he’s in his 30’s makes this even stranger. Basically, stop letting this dude crash at your house unless he’s willing to give up the goods. You’re not a fucking bed and breakfast. If what you want is some peen, then let it be known beyond a shadow of a doubt. If it turns out he’s a 32 year old virgin who’s waiting for a ring, at least you’ll find out.
Also, am i crazy or did I answer this exact question somewhere else on my blog recently? I’m have a strange case of deja vu…

Tim and I discuss music and stuff: SNL Edition

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Over the past week, tim AKA Alaska and I got in a heated discussion about SNL cast members. We’re both long time fans of the show and mostly agreed with each other. That was until it was bought to my attention that Alaska thought Kristen Wiig and Fred Armison were terrible. Now, this cause a back and forth on twitter between us that can only be described as “twitter like”.
So, this week, we did a special edition of our weekly column and focused on out favorite and most slept on SNL Characters. It’s all rosey and sweet until we reach the part where I post vids of Wiig and Armison and we each make a case for why or why not we think these two performers are awesome/terrible.
Honestly, Tim could have bought science and math into it and I still could not disagree more with pretty much every point he makes but, hey, to each his own. But, seriously, he’s completely insane and categorically incorrect. How do I know this? He didn’t think Jimmy Fallon sucked. CASE CLOSED, BRAH.

Here’s the link:
http://www.syffal.com/saturday-night-live

Answers for questions vol. 124

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What’s good everyone. I’m still hungover from last nights oscars parties! just kidding. I watch Walking dead in sweat pants.
This weeks batch of questions are some of my favorite to date.
Fun, weird, and insightful. Good job, questions askers.
If you have anything you’d like me to answer, send the questions my way. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.

say you created a cult following. what kind of cult would it be and what would your followers do. you dont have any choice they will just follow you around all day and bother you if you dont give them direction.

Man, that would be my nightmare. I hate having to tell people what to do almost as much as I hate being blindly relied on. I’ve always been of the mind that people should do what they want within the boundaries of common decency. Meaning, I do me, you do you and we kinda just leave each other alone. So, in this case, that would be an overwhelming amount of responsibility I do not want. So, if these people were just dead set on following me, I’d probably just have them run errands for me all day and buy me shit. In fact, that’s what I’d call it: The church of you running errands and buying me shit all day. If they’re dumb enough to join a cult, I wouldn’t even feel bad about that.

Is the fuck-buddy zone the man’s version of the friend zone?

This just blew my mind and angered me that I never thought of it before. It’s too perfect.
I feel like there should be a college class that teaches an in depth analysis of this concept to young men and women so they can fully understand each other.
To answer the questions, YES! holy shit. The similarities are jaw dropping. In both cases, the majority of the people put in whatever zone, want more than they’re being offered. In both cases that will often lead to that person in whatever zone to just kinda hang around and see what happens. One of the only main differences I see is that guys will be friendzoned for decades. That speaks more to most mens partial indifference to waiting and also how deep a man’s thirst can be. Where as, most girls , who’ve been locked into the fuck buddy zone seem to hit a wall. It’s rare that you will hear of a girl who’s been fucking some guy casually for like 10 years and everything is all good. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s pretty fucking rare. Feelings get stirred. Pride gets questioned. girlfriends get judgmental. That shit has an expiration date. Friendzoning, though? That can last a life time.
I will say this too, I think it’s easier to get out of the friendzone (in very particular situations) than it is the “fuck-buddy zone”. Men are very definitive about how far they’re willing to go with girls, in terms of relationships. Sure, some men can be broken down over time but, trust me ladies, that’s not the relationship you wanna be in. But, in general, dudes have their mind made up of where a girl fits into his life pretty early on. It’s hard to create emotions that aren’t there once that’s been established. Where as, when a dude is friendzoned, because women do tend to be more compassionate , sensitive and less shallow when it comes to physical attributes, he’s got a slightly better chance to get out. I’ve seen a decent amount of dudes break down those friendzone walls, against all logic , and eventually end up with the girl they were pining for…and a year or two later, that girl is deeply in love with formally friend zoned dude. Whenever I see a couple on the street where the girl is super hot and they guy is a troll, I kinda assume he’s either rich or he successfully beat being friendzoned. For his sake, I hope it’s the latter.

What do you think about comeback albums? I just found out Skee-lo released an album in 2012… yeah, who knew he finally got tall enough to serve it up again. Whats the best comeback album ever?

Comeback albums tend to be terrible. I say this cause most artists, who have any worth whatsoever, don’t really just stop making music. Sure, people may take years between albums (aesop, fiona apple types) but the ones who had some flash in the pan single 15 years ago then come back? That’s never a good look. 9/10 times it’s a pretty flagrant last stab at milking ones dead career for one last pay check. Anytime I see an interview with some old ass rapper who hasn’t made an album in ten years, that wasn’t ever that great to begin with , talking about “I’m getting back in the studio…” I just sorta shake my head and forget I heard it.
Even artists who do it earnestly tend to struggle cause , when you take a seriously long amount of time off, you sometimes lose focus on what’s going on in music around you. Take a dude like Bill Withers. That guy was amazing for the majority of the 70’s. He fucking wrote “Lean on me” for christ’s sake. Then he just stopped making music cause he felt he was no longer inspired. While that was an extremely respectable thing to do (I wish more artists would embrace that type of honest self reflection) , when he got inspired again years later, the landscape of music had changed so much he sounded lost. He just didn’t have “it”.
As for best comeback album…
I think KMD’s Zevlove X returning as MF Doom counts. He took a self appointed hiatus due to some serious real life shit happening and not only came back strong, but he was better than ever. That’s almost unheard of.
I’ll tell you what won’t be the best comeback ever: Whatever LL Cool J puts out for the rest of his life. I mean..jesus dude…get it together…

I have a question about comedy. What is your opinion on comedians making jokes about tragic events such as school shootings and natural disasters? This topic might hit closer to home because various comedians have 911 jokes in their acts. Do you think these topics shouldn’t be joked about or do you feel that it’s necessary for comedians to stretch boundaries sometimes?

I think comedians should be able to talk about whatever they want. I may not always agree with them but they have 100% right to make fun of literally anything under the sun. I’m one of these people who feels there is humor in everything…in some form. Even the darkest , most awful thing on the planet, there is always a joke in there somewhere. Does that mean it needs to be said? Not really but I’d never stop anyone from doing it.
People get caught up on jokes like they forget what a joke is. IT’S A JOKE! It’s not meant to be taken seriously. Sure, some jokes have harsh realities between the lines but , often, people use levity to alleviate a deeply somber situation. That’s kind of in our human nature. The same way one might nervously laugh when he hears really terrible news. I feel, as humans, we should be able to separate ourselves from a joke. Unless that joke is specifically about you, it shouldn’t be that hard to keep your emotions out of it, no matter how close to home it hits.

Another aspect of this is something I’ve learned from making jokes on the internet. Everyone is offended by something. I made fun of fucking razor scoters once and people acted as if I made an AIDS joke about their mom.Often, people lash out at jokes cause of insecurity. I made a joke about razorscooters and you ride a razor scooter? Deal with it. It’s just a fucking joke. but, seriously, you’re a grown man, get the fuck off that razor scooter.
There is more than enough false outrage to go around in this world so jokes are great way to drain that cyst a little. People get offended by things that resonate with them personally. If you had someone close to you die from getting hit by lightening, you’re going to be sensitive to jokes about people being hit by lightening. That doesn’t make the joke lass funny in an overall sense, it just means that joke is not for you. And that’s what I think people need to get a handle on. The joke may not be to your liking but no one has any right to tell another person with free will what they can and cannot say. You’ve got the same amount of right to not listen/read/watch as I do to make any joke.

Yo Block, would you make out with Aesop for $5,000? If not, how about $10,000?

How broke do you think I am? As a straight dude, i can honestly say the idea of a passionate make out session with another man is as disgusting to me as the idea of blowing a dude. They’re equally horrifying. So, taking that knowledge, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make out with any guy for any amount of money. Partially cause I feel like I wouldn’t physically be able to complete the task without barfing in that dudes mouth (btw, it wouldn’t help or hurt the situation that i know and am good friends with the guy i’d be doing it with. Guy mouth is a guy mouth) and partially cause I simply don’t need the money that bad right now. If i was broke, on the verge of being homeless and 10,000 would be a life changing thing for me? eh…maybe. I can’t even fathom being that desperate. So, to answer the question, that’s a firm “No”.

Song of the day 2/22/13

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Funky Lemonade Remix By Chi Ali
http://www.divshare.com/download/23767849-603

I can imagine a day will come when someone might make a documentary about Chi Ali. Not cause of his music so much as the crazy turn his life took that surprised everyone. He was one of the first “kid rappers” that older rappers co-signed, who seemed like he might actually grow up to become decent. Much like groups like Illegal and Da Youngsta’s, Chi Ali came about in the early 90’s when it seemed like everyone was scrambling to find the first great kid MC. Sure, LL cool J had already killed it as a 14 year old in the mid 80’s but I think people were angling more toward a high voiced kid, where as Cool J was more of a man child.
Ali was first heard on the posse cut “Pass the 40” off the debut album by Black Sheep

Ali definitely stood out as, for one, his voice was so high it sounded like a dog whistle. But, more importantly, he held is own on a track with adults as well as craved out a niche of a child rapping who wasn’t on some bubble gum shit. Sure, he may or may not have had underarm hair yet but he was still rapping about bagging hoes. As a person who was the same age as him at the time. I sure as hell loved it. Shortly after that, he put out his only album “The Fabulous Chi Ali” that received a little buzz here and there but, mostly, no one really gave a shit. I’d imagine listening to a whole album of a squeaky voiced child rapper just was too much for most hip hop heads to handle back then.
His single was a minor success but that was about it.

The unfortunate thing about his debut is that he had crazy beats all over it. Produced almost entirely by the Beatnuts, had those tracks been given to any decent rapper from that era, it would be an album people would still be talking about to this day.
I can’t blame the dude though…he was 14. For a 14 year old, he was a good rapper. However, things changed (literally) right after that when he released two songs as a new man…a man with an adults voice. Things seemed to be on the upswing. One song is the remix above. The other was a remix for his song “Roadrunner” (Titled “The puberty remix).

Unfortunately, right when things started going well for him, he shocked everyone by murdering his sisters boyfriend. He was even on “America’s most wanted”. That’s pretty much where his recording career ended. I was especially surprised cause i had actually sorta met him while in high school. He knew a friend of a friend and, one day after school (this was around 90-91), we briefly hung out. I noticed he was a really shy dude. Like the type who looks at the ground a lot to avoid eye contact. Perhaps he was just not feeling boisterous that day or whatever but he certainly didn’t seem like a murderer.

Whatever the case, he served a 12 year sentence and is out now. It’s kinda ironic cause had this taken place ten years later, he might have gotten tons of street cred from killing someone and, perhaps, it would have even helped his career. Bad timing , I suppose.
As for his current status, I have no clue what he’s up to but, hey, I wish him the best.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 19

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What’s up everyone?
Time for another installment of “Fuck/Marry/Kill”. If you don’t know the rules than I’d imagine you probably shouldn’t be here. These are all reader submitted options so don’t think I’m the creep that sits around thinking of new people to fuck, marry and kill. I just try and make a rational case for why those things would be okay.
Anyway, on with it…

F/M/K: karen from yeah yeah yeahs, emily from metric, and florence from florence and the machine.

Marry: Emily from Metric
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She’s the one of these three I’m least familiar with and I think that may have worked to her advantage. For all I know, she could be a complete lunatic who’s also vegan and loves cats…but my entire understanding of her has come from the google search i just did. According to what my eyes just saw, she’s a kinda cute blonde girl who owns many outfits. Yup, sounds like a girl I might perhaps be into. So, on the basis of that, and that alone (and her competition) , she’d get the ring.

Kill:Florence for Florence of the machine
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She’s a very talented singer but she’s got my kryptonite…Man jaw. She’s not even unattractive , I simply have trouble looking at her and not seeing someone who, in some distant way could be a really convincing drag queen. Maybe it’s the hair so thick it looks like wig…nah, it’s her man jaw. It’s really my own cross to bear , as it’s just always been something that was a big turn off to me. So, sorry Flo…You gotta go, yo.

Fuck:Karen from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
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Straight up, I kinda fear her. She seems like one of those girls that yells at dicks during sex. I dunno if it’s real or an act but her craziness has always been a type that made me a little uneasy. She’s also always been one of those “too cool for school” motherfuckers who wears outfits from the future and probably gets $4000 haircuts. Crazy girls, while awful as long term people, do tend to be fun to have sex with. Add on that she’s always on some next shit and I’d bet there’d be some interesting things going on her bedroom. If nothing else, it would be an experience. My only fear is that all she’d wanna do was stick things in my ass, in which case I’d kill her too.

F/m/k:Minnie Mouse, Clarabelle Cow, Daisy Duck.

Kill: Clarabelle Cow
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Sorry…I love me some steak. But beyond that, Clarabelle is a big girl, a little out of my weight class. after all, she’s a cow. She’s seems nice enough but she’s also a doofus faced dork of the highest order. She almost has a daffy grandma kinda vibe. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s delicious, grounded up and cooked on a bun with a side of fries.
Also, She kinda looks like Eleanor Roosevelt. Not a good look.

Marry:Minnie Mouse
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This was the safe choice. I really wanted to marry Daisy but she has whore eyes so I figured I’d go with the one I could trust. Minnie has dated that pussy Mickey her entire life, so I feel like marrying her would be fairly relaxing. Sure, I can’t whistle and drive a boat or put on a wizard hat and make it rain like Mickey but, I’m also not a high pitched voiced mouse who’s entire wardrobe consists of red shorts with two useless buttons on them and some yellow wallabees. I could do right by her…I swear.

Fuck: Daisy Duck
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I legit wanna fuck Daisy. Dat azzzzzzzzzz.
Like I mentioned above, she’s got whore eyes. The thing about whore eyes is that they will take your life over and you will lose all sense of reality. In other words, girls with whore eyes can control most men simply by blinking. That scares me cause who knows what kinda crazy shit Daisy would get me in if it were a long term thing. Instead, I chose to make sweet love to her once. Put those whore eyes to work short term.

F/M/K:Soleil Moon Frye, Alyssa Milano,Danica McKellar

Fuck: Alyssa Milano
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I mean…come on. Aside from wondering if i should just marry her, this has got to be the easiest choice ever. As I pointed out in last weeks “Ladies of yore” post, she was one of my all time favorites. FYI, I’m gonna just assume these three are being presented in their peaks, not currently, cause that…umm…just makes more sense to me. right? right.
There’s not much to say about her that hasn’t been said by every guy between the ages of 25-50. Milano could get it on epic levels.

Marry: Danica Mckeller
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I don’t know why I’m being so boring with my “marry” choices this week. I’m really playing it safe but, I suppose, when marriage is the topic, it’s no time to throw shit at the wall and see what sticks. Winnie cooper was a girl every teenaged boy could relate to. Not as a person but as a thing. We all had that one girl we grew up with that, once our hormones kicked in, we realized “I LUV DIS BITCH”. Add on that she was actually cute and seemed sweet enough. She’s the epitome of wifey material. My only concern is that she has the sexual glow of a tennis ball but, hopefully, that was just because she was a lady in the streets and freak in the bedroom. Wishful thinking.

Kill: Soleil Moon-Frye
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She actually went to my college the year before i got there. She was hot and had HUUUUUUGGGE tits. In fact, she’s as famous for her breast reduction as she is for being Punky Brewster. All that said, the same way Rosie Perez rings bells in my adolescent mind and makes weird parts of my brain light up, Moon-Frye does as well, but in a negative way. She reminds me of every raspy voiced, Jappy (the jew kind, not the asian kind) girl I went to high school with. I loathed these girls and, weirdly, they loved me so it was always a tough choice between my penis and my eyes and ears. Many battles were fought and it was always a tough choice…so, to just make it easy on myself, she gotta die.

F/M/K: Curly Fries, Waffle Fries, Traditional Fries

Fuck:Curly fries
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I love Curly fries but they’re not exactly something I desire all the time. A nice batch of seasoned Curly fries can really make shit pop but they’re simply not the standard. So, for that reason, I’d dip my penis into a scalding hot basket of curly fries…but just once. Cause, you know, we’re not married.

Kill:Traditional fries
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Ha! You thought I’d make it easy and go with the Danica Mckeller/minnie mouse of fry choices, didn’t you? Well, fuck all that! I love me some normal fries but they also have the highest chance of being mediocre. Good fries are an art. Anyone who’s eaten at many diners will tell you, dry, bland french fries are way more common that we’d like to admit. 9/10 times those lame ass fries are just some traditional shoe strings or thicker cut fries. No pizzazz. Blah. fuck’em.

Marry: Waffle fries
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Even when they’re not great they’re still pretty great. Aside from often being seasoned, waffle fries have the best ability to soak up other things. They’re just the perfect size and shape. I’m into all purpose foods and waffle fries deliver. So, in a surprisingly easy choice, I’d wife the shit out of some waffle fries.
Side note though, Had Tater tots been an option, I’d both fuck and marry them cause tater tots are the best thing ever.

Things that are wrong with the world part 27

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For the past few weeks, I’ve been hearing buzz about “The Harlem Shake”. Particularly on twitter but I’ve even got a few emails about it from people asking me my thoughts on it. Even though I am a professional unlicensed sociologist who has a hunger to know all things, for some reason, I chose to just ignore whatever was going on with this “Harlem Shake” thing cause, well, I honestly couldn’t care less. I was familiar with the dance. Turns out someone made a song named after a dance that is older than willow smith. It was something people were talking about literally almost ten years ago. This is what that was:

Just some stupid dance. However, a dance that did take a little skill to do. I surely couldn’t do it without throwing out my back. So, when “Harlem Shake” started popping up in my twitter timeline, I thought “hmm…that’s strange but, also, who gives a shit?”. Besides, I felt as though the Harlem Shake had peaked in 2004 when Cam’ron shouted it out in his song “Down and out” saying
“Nowadays a nigga got bake in the bake
Harlem shake? Nah, I’m in Harlem shakin’ the weight
Shakin’ the bake, shakin the jakes
Kill you, shoot the funeral up and harlem shake at your wake”

That’s pretty much as good as it’s gonna get.

But, regardless, I guess the lack of thought I gave it kept me from realizing what was going on. The white man had done it again. I honestly should have known the second I saw that name start recirculating that, in all likelihood, there was a viral video behind it (there always is). So, today, with a clear mind, I looked it up. Partially out of curiosity and partially cause I had a feeling it would be the 27th thing that’s wrong with the world. Jackpot. This is the first video I happened upon:

Within about 1 second I started to get that feeling I get every time I’m embarrassed to be white. Now, I’m not gonna get all soapbox on you and overlook that, on the surface, this is just some kids having fun. That’s all it is. THIS VERSION of the Harlem Shake is stupid and anyone can do it. That’s a huge aspect of this. But it’s hard to watch this and not feel like this shit is a little racist. I mean, it’s not even the same dance. They could call it the New Canaan shake or the Bethesda shuffle. Whatever it is they’re doing surely has no roots in harlem. But, like i said, I don’t doubt it’s origins were harmless enough which leads me to my beef:
Fuck all these dances

Is this something that is subtly racist? Of course it is. Do the frat boys who just stopped planking and doing borat impressions to do a Harlem Shake video have any idea of that? hell no. They’re just imitating some shit they saw on youtube. The only connection this song has to race for them is that the word “Harlem” is in it. While that should perhaps tip off the more inquisitive mind into maybe looking into said craze and really seeing what it’s all about, I’m afraid we aren’t dealing with the worlds greatest thinkers here. It’s just dumb kids having dumb fun. And it’s dumb.

All that said, these fucking dances…Between Tv shows where celebrities dance terribly for then entertainment of people too stupid to watch Honey Boo Boo and movies involving beef like situations that results in “Billy Jean” like gang wars that turn into dudes in bandanas backflipping and doing pirouettes, it’s safe to say that dancing is out of control. The world could use a little justice taken from the rule book of that hick town in Footloose. Much like all types of art, it’s been taken out of the hands of professionals and thrust into the grasps of just some average dickhead with a little time on his hands and decent camera on his phone.

There was a time when I would say dance crazes started from an honest place. They would get popular in one area and spread. I have no clue how any dance move originates but I’d like to think it’s typically some off the wall gay dancer kid in the hood who gets the ball rolling. Most likely at a school dance. Props to that kid. However, because of the popularity of viral videos and peoples undying need to get notoriety, the new shit is simply make up a dance where it’s sole purpose is to become a viral video.
From “Superman that hoe” to “walk it out” to whatever the fucking dumb dance the kids were doing 5 years ago. Much like the music behind it, it’s not coming from a creative place. It’s coming from the mind of the self made promotional artist. But, you know what? I suppose in 2013 , there is art to being a promotional artist.

So, while I’m mildly offended by the resurgence of “The Harlem Shake” , as done by out of touch, entitled white morons, I’m more taking a stance against all viral dance crazes. That includes the Macerena and the fucking electric slide. I’m against them partially cause they’re moronic but , most of all, cause none of these dances will ever compete with the pinnacle of dance, the “Movin’ Like bernie”. Now THAT is a fucking dance.