Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 19


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What’s up everyone?
Time for another installment of “Fuck/Marry/Kill”. If you don’t know the rules than I’d imagine you probably shouldn’t be here. These are all reader submitted options so don’t think I’m the creep that sits around thinking of new people to fuck, marry and kill. I just try and make a rational case for why those things would be okay.
Anyway, on with it…

F/M/K: karen from yeah yeah yeahs, emily from metric, and florence from florence and the machine.

Marry: Emily from Metric
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She’s the one of these three I’m least familiar with and I think that may have worked to her advantage. For all I know, she could be a complete lunatic who’s also vegan and loves cats…but my entire understanding of her has come from the google search i just did. According to what my eyes just saw, she’s a kinda cute blonde girl who owns many outfits. Yup, sounds like a girl I might perhaps be into. So, on the basis of that, and that alone (and her competition) , she’d get the ring.

Kill:Florence for Florence of the machine
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She’s a very talented singer but she’s got my kryptonite…Man jaw. She’s not even unattractive , I simply have trouble looking at her and not seeing someone who, in some distant way could be a really convincing drag queen. Maybe it’s the hair so thick it looks like wig…nah, it’s her man jaw. It’s really my own cross to bear , as it’s just always been something that was a big turn off to me. So, sorry Flo…You gotta go, yo.

Fuck:Karen from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
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Straight up, I kinda fear her. She seems like one of those girls that yells at dicks during sex. I dunno if it’s real or an act but her craziness has always been a type that made me a little uneasy. She’s also always been one of those “too cool for school” motherfuckers who wears outfits from the future and probably gets $4000 haircuts. Crazy girls, while awful as long term people, do tend to be fun to have sex with. Add on that she’s always on some next shit and I’d bet there’d be some interesting things going on her bedroom. If nothing else, it would be an experience. My only fear is that all she’d wanna do was stick things in my ass, in which case I’d kill her too.

F/m/k:Minnie Mouse, Clarabelle Cow, Daisy Duck.

Kill: Clarabelle Cow
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Sorry…I love me some steak. But beyond that, Clarabelle is a big girl, a little out of my weight class. after all, she’s a cow. She’s seems nice enough but she’s also a doofus faced dork of the highest order. She almost has a daffy grandma kinda vibe. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s delicious, grounded up and cooked on a bun with a side of fries.
Also, She kinda looks like Eleanor Roosevelt. Not a good look.

Marry:Minnie Mouse
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This was the safe choice. I really wanted to marry Daisy but she has whore eyes so I figured I’d go with the one I could trust. Minnie has dated that pussy Mickey her entire life, so I feel like marrying her would be fairly relaxing. Sure, I can’t whistle and drive a boat or put on a wizard hat and make it rain like Mickey but, I’m also not a high pitched voiced mouse who’s entire wardrobe consists of red shorts with two useless buttons on them and some yellow wallabees. I could do right by her…I swear.

Fuck: Daisy Duck
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I legit wanna fuck Daisy. Dat azzzzzzzzzz.
Like I mentioned above, she’s got whore eyes. The thing about whore eyes is that they will take your life over and you will lose all sense of reality. In other words, girls with whore eyes can control most men simply by blinking. That scares me cause who knows what kinda crazy shit Daisy would get me in if it were a long term thing. Instead, I chose to make sweet love to her once. Put those whore eyes to work short term.

F/M/K:Soleil Moon Frye, Alyssa Milano,Danica McKellar

Fuck: Alyssa Milano
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I mean…come on. Aside from wondering if i should just marry her, this has got to be the easiest choice ever. As I pointed out in last weeks “Ladies of yore” post, she was one of my all time favorites. FYI, I’m gonna just assume these three are being presented in their peaks, not currently, cause that…umm…just makes more sense to me. right? right.
There’s not much to say about her that hasn’t been said by every guy between the ages of 25-50. Milano could get it on epic levels.

Marry: Danica Mckeller
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I don’t know why I’m being so boring with my “marry” choices this week. I’m really playing it safe but, I suppose, when marriage is the topic, it’s no time to throw shit at the wall and see what sticks. Winnie cooper was a girl every teenaged boy could relate to. Not as a person but as a thing. We all had that one girl we grew up with that, once our hormones kicked in, we realized “I LUV DIS BITCH”. Add on that she was actually cute and seemed sweet enough. She’s the epitome of wifey material. My only concern is that she has the sexual glow of a tennis ball but, hopefully, that was just because she was a lady in the streets and freak in the bedroom. Wishful thinking.

Kill: Soleil Moon-Frye
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She actually went to my college the year before i got there. She was hot and had HUUUUUUGGGE tits. In fact, she’s as famous for her breast reduction as she is for being Punky Brewster. All that said, the same way Rosie Perez rings bells in my adolescent mind and makes weird parts of my brain light up, Moon-Frye does as well, but in a negative way. She reminds me of every raspy voiced, Jappy (the jew kind, not the asian kind) girl I went to high school with. I loathed these girls and, weirdly, they loved me so it was always a tough choice between my penis and my eyes and ears. Many battles were fought and it was always a tough choice…so, to just make it easy on myself, she gotta die.

F/M/K: Curly Fries, Waffle Fries, Traditional Fries

Fuck:Curly fries
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I love Curly fries but they’re not exactly something I desire all the time. A nice batch of seasoned Curly fries can really make shit pop but they’re simply not the standard. So, for that reason, I’d dip my penis into a scalding hot basket of curly fries…but just once. Cause, you know, we’re not married.

Kill:Traditional fries
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Ha! You thought I’d make it easy and go with the Danica Mckeller/minnie mouse of fry choices, didn’t you? Well, fuck all that! I love me some normal fries but they also have the highest chance of being mediocre. Good fries are an art. Anyone who’s eaten at many diners will tell you, dry, bland french fries are way more common that we’d like to admit. 9/10 times those lame ass fries are just some traditional shoe strings or thicker cut fries. No pizzazz. Blah. fuck’em.

Marry: Waffle fries
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Even when they’re not great they’re still pretty great. Aside from often being seasoned, waffle fries have the best ability to soak up other things. They’re just the perfect size and shape. I’m into all purpose foods and waffle fries deliver. So, in a surprisingly easy choice, I’d wife the shit out of some waffle fries.
Side note though, Had Tater tots been an option, I’d both fuck and marry them cause tater tots are the best thing ever.

8 thoughts on “Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 19

  1. Man, I just about died when you said Mickey was sporting yellow Wallabees. Now I’m the asshole in the back cubicle laughing to himself. Thanks, Bloc

  2. Haha. The cow/minnie/daisy one is golden

    You’re not alone with the man jaw issues. There’s a meeting every third thursday. Behind the blue crates, next to the steam pipes. Bring an owl mask (whore eye protection) and some dead fries.

  3. i was alittle upset about the murder of traditional fries but after reading im sold. when cooked correctly they’re great BUT for whatever reason most of the time they suck and i eat a thrid of an order then toss em like a pistol after a drive by. now tater tots, those are impossible to fuck up in a fryer.

  4. F/M/K headphones 1. In ear 2. Over ear 3. Sport

    F/MK those chicks from the 90’s show friends 1. Jen Aniston 2. Courtney Cox 3. Can’t remember the third ones name
    F/M/K best mafia wife 1. Sharon stone in casino 2. Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas 3. Mike Corleones American wife in Godfather

  5. FMK brunette with slight social issues 1. That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention 2. Jeneane garafalo in Romy and Michele’s High school reunion 3. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

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