Hello to all. Another week and another installment of “Fuck/marry/kill”. The game that offends people who love to be offended by things. As always, let me remind you that this isn’t that serious. It never is. I don’t want to marry or kill any of these people in real life. I’d fuck a few of them for sure though.
Anyway, let’s get it started with some mid 90’s R&B divas.
F/m/k: Adina Howard, Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton (all in the mid 1990’s)
Fuck: Adina Howard
I mean, come on. Like I’m not gonna pick her to have sex with. That was her whole shit. While Mary J. was getting all emo and Toni Braxton was busy lighting incense for some corny love making sesh, Adina Howard was poppin’ dat azz and letting everyone know she was down to get down. She basically made the choice for me.
Marry: Tony Braxton
Aside from being the cutest of the three, she also seems the most stable. Long term relationships need stability. Sure, she was kinda corny, but she’s not gonna fuck all my friends like Adina Howard probably would and she’s not gonna smoke dust and break all my shit like Mary might. She reminds me of one of those preachers wife types. While i’d like to imagine they have a freaky side, I’d be lying if i said they probably don’t pray before and after giving head.
Kill: Mary J Blige
While she may be my favorite artist of the three, here’s where art and reality separate. I realize this pick will start an internal riot for some of you but hear me out. Mary was great. But for all the reasons she was a great artist, they’re the same reasons I would have to kill her. She’s intense, emotional and prone to snorting things. While sex with her might be crazy, she was up against Adina Howard so, you know, tough break. There is simply no way I’d marry someone that constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Shit, any woman who has to repeatedly make songs reminding herself that she’s still “just Mary” , sounding like she’s trying to go along with AA but never quite fully committed , is bad news. Sorry Mary. Just trust, no matter what happens, you’re still Mary.
F/M/K:Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Judy Garland (in their primes)
(i’d just like to preface this one by saying I’m part jewish. So, all you jews out there, calm down and don’t front like you don’t know what I’m talking about in this one)
fuck: Barbara Streisand
When you think of Barbara now, it’s hard to imagine her back in the day. Especially those of us whose earliest memory of her was starring in the movie “Yentl”. Still, here’s the thing…when she was young, she wasn’t bad at all. In fact, by normal every day, growing up in NYC standards, she was actually a fairly cute jewie girl. The kind I used to go to high school with that I always kinda wanted to bone. In fact, the kind I often did bone. For those of you outside of major cities and israel, lemme tell you, Jewish girls are a good time. I’m sure Barbara would be no different.
On the other side of the Jewish girl coin, we have Bette Midler. To give you an idea of her looks as a youth, I googled “Young bette Midler” and pictures of the girl who played “Blossom” popped up. Perhaps she’s playing Bette in a TV movie or something but still…that says a lot.
Beyond just her physical appearance, which was always like mixing courtney love and Kyle’s mom from south park, I just find her kind of annoying in general. I’ve never been a fan of actory/comedian/singer triple threats and she’s one of those. So, this was a fairly easy pick for the kill.
Admittedly , I don’t really know shit about Judy Garland. I know gay dudes love her and I feel as If I recall hearing some salacious shit about her life…but nothing is really popping up. Was she addicted to pills or some shit? Probably. Actresses have always been walking disasters. Anyway, what i do know is that she was pretty cute and seemed innocent enough. She didn’t have the raw jew sex appeal of Streisand but she also looks way better than Bette Midler ever did. So, she falls right into the middle…Meaning she’s getting wifed.
Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “Mallrats” edition: Shannen Doherty ,Claire Forlani ,Joey Lauren Adams
This was , by far, my hardest choice. Made even harder by the fact that Joey Lauren Adams was , at one point, my favorite. When “Dazed and Confused” came out, i thought she was the hottest. I still think she was hot to this day. Thing is, you get older and you notice new things. And the tiebreaker in this case is her fucking voice. When it’s as close a call as this one is, sometimes it’s the petty things that separate the winners from the losers. She’s got one of those “I was molested at age 7 and I never grew up emotionally” kinda voices and it creeps me out. I’m sure there are dudes out there who might actually be turned on my that but I’m not really one of them. So, it’s with great sadness that I kill Joey Lauren Adams. RIP. I LUV U GURL.
Beyond anything else here, I’m being shallow. She’s just a very beautiful girl in the most classic sense. Even though she had the sex appeal of shrubbery in “Mallrats”, she still kinda falls in line with my guidelines for marriage (within this game). She’s hot, not crazy, kinda boring but still seemingly nice. That’s all it takes in “fuck/marry/kill” world. I’d feel 100% comfortable forgetting to use a condom with her. I’m just saying.
Much like Adina Howard, this was an easy pick. She’s the definition of “fuck”. Sexy and crazy. I’ve always wanted to bone her and I’ll probably die feeling the same way. She’s just got that thing…I don’t know what it is. She looks like a sexy eskimo or something. I would be a little scared of her afterwards but, I’m sure, the actual sex itself would be preeeeeettty awesome.
F/M/K:Rap City. Yo MTV raps, or Video Music Box
Of these three, Rap City was always the latest to the game. It came after Yo! and Video music box and always had an air of corniness to it. While they certainly played good videos, they never quite broke new artists the same way the other two did. But, even worse than that, they had wack hosts. Big Lez, tigger…hell, even Joe Clair was kinda lame. I can’t blame them , as they were the last to bubble but, of these three, I’m deading Rap City with the quickness.
This was tough. I watched this show religiously and have many many memories of seeing crazy songs on it for the first time. I vividly remember the first time I saw the “Nuthin but a g thang” video and was like “Whaaaaaaat?!?!”. I even got love for the hosts and the whole way they made the show. Picking between this and Video Music Box is really splitting hairs but while I deeply loved Yo!, it didn’t have the longevity of VMB. By that i mean, it jumped the shark before VMB did. So, if I’m nitpicking over longevity, that must mean I simply wanna fuck it…right? Right.
I would rush home from school everyday to watch this show. It started at 3:30 on channel 3 and it would play the best videos , all the time. Ralph Mcdaniels partially raised me. This one may have most people from outside the tri-state area scratching their heads so let me enlighten you. This was a NYC based video show that not only would play the hot shit of that era but was also set on breaking new artists. They played a fucking Co-flow video before they even released their debut EP. I saw black Moons “Who got tha props?” video on VMB like 6 months before anywhere else played it. They were the underground video show and no video show put me on to more new shit. I would marry the shit out of this show. Man, if i could go back and find tapes of old episodes , I could possibly jerk off to them. That’s how good they were. If I could, I’d take VMB out to pizzeria Uno for a sexy dinner , then take a romantic stroll through washington square park before taking it home to watch “Love Jones” on my couch. yeah man…this shit was serious.