Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 23

The Doctor is in! It’s been a few weeks and a few of you need some much needed and wildly inappropriate advice. As always, I’m not a doctor but i do play one when I write this blog (currently, in my bed, under my covers, wearing nothing but boxer briefs in a room illuminated only by my computer screen). If you have love issues, relationship woes, or basic questions of the heart, I’m your guy!
Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail or leave them in the comments below. I’m here to help. I swear. I may be a little snarky but I won’t bullshit you. No matter how stupid your problems are.
Anyway, on with the main course.

I’ve been friends with this chick for years now, and she is an absolute freak. We got real drunk one night and after discussing ‘where we stood’ (i.e. strictly just friends), we fucked. I slept with her a few more times and we had a sweet deal. I could call her at anytime and she’d be down to fuck. But after that but a few months later she started dating this other dude. They’ve been dating for a little over a year now and she admitted to me the other week that she hasn’t climaxed since she had slept with me. She has also told me she has had dreams about fucking me then going back to her boyfriend and everything working out perfectly. On top of all this she has this habit of sending me text messages with obvious sexual undertones. My confusion is, I know what shes like with the dudes she dates, and although she seems like a complete slut she has never cheated on any of her boyfriends and has had many opportunities to do so (especially while intoxicated). My question is, what the fuck do you think she is trying to achieve and should I make a move on her? I get that she is really sexually frustrated but I always seem to be the first to know about it.. is she down to fuck again or is she just playing games?

There are two questions here: “What kind of person are you?” and “Is she trying to fuck again?”.
I’ll start with the latter. I can’t say for sure she’s trying to fuck. At least not flagrantly. If she wanted to, she would have. Once the seal is broen repeatedly with sexual partners, it’s never hard to open the bottle again. However, I don’t discount the idea that she’s teetering between the ideas of cheating with you and staying faithful. She could very well be putting these vibes out there as bait, hoping you’ll make the first move so she’ll feel less guilty about the whole thing. It’s either that, or she’s just being flirty and people in relationships love complaining about their relationships.
That leads us to the original question “What kind of person are you?”.
Do you give a shit about her relationship/boyfriend? Do you give a shit about the concept of interfering in other peoples lives on that level? I’m not asking these sarcastically. Plenty of people do not give a shit. While it’s certainly a selfish way of being , it’s also one of those “That’s their problem” kinda dilemmas. I’m assuming you and her man are not buddies. You are her friend. So your loyalty lies 100% with her. So, technically, you could bone her , which would lead to her eventual break up with her man and that would be that. Basically, all this depends on what kinda guy you are. The kind who would do that kinda thing, or a guy who does not.
If you are a guy who would do that kinda thing (no judgement coming from here, btw) just prepare for all the consequences that could come from it. Whether that be her BF’s fists in your face, the girl admitting she has strong feelings for you or a myriad of other shitty things you probably want nothing to do with. Just know you’d be opening yourself up for all that just so you could bust a nut in someone who you’ve already fucked a bunch of times. I dunno , bro. It’s really on you.

Hey tony,

So basically I’ve just moved over seas with my girlfriend and I’m living with her and her family. Now there’s absolutely no complaints with anything because I’m employed by her dad to look after her autistic brother which includes, taking him to the gym/pool/spa/sauna, going into the city to have lunch then just do whatever, I get free rent and food and have my own granny flat and get 200 pounds a week ontop of this. Now here’s the part where I sound like a selfish prick. Under the house there’s a massive, but fucking creepy, basement that isn’t used. It hasn’t been used in a good 40 years and upon seeing this I have an urge to grow some marijuana. When I say this I just want to grow a single plant then be done with it, probably won’t even smoke it, just have a desire to do it.

Should I even think about this? Like is it just being disrespectful to my beautiful girlfriend and her family and what they’ve given me. Because I know I wouldn’t get caught, cause well yeh you just have to see the place, but morally I’m not sure how I should feel.

I don’t see the point. You don’t wanna smoke it so basically you’d be doing it just to prove to yourself you can do it? That’s pretty retarded. Not to mention, doesn’t pot need sun to grow? So , you’d be buying tons of hydroponic equipment just to grow a single plant of weed? Come on bro…You’re in a good situation. If you were a former drug lord with a gambling problem or a complete pothead I’d understand at least why this was something you’d want to do but , as it stands, you just seems like a normal dude. The risk/reward doesn’t even begin to match up. My advice: if you’re so set on making that basement into something, every man needs a masturbation dungeon. Well, not really but it sounds pretty intense. Look into that.

Last year I became involved with this guy, I liked him, he liked me and we rushed things and became “bf & gf”. He was too much and swore he loved me after a couple of days which made me feel uncomfortable. From my perspective it was a crush but from his it was “love”. (we hadn’t even kissed or held hands) It felt too weird for me, kinda scared me off so I broke up with him after a week. After that he’d text me all day, non-stop, call me, just trying to get a hold of me. I got extremely annoyed with him, eventually ended up telling him off. Things got ugly, I said some really mean stuff. He left me alone for a while. A few months later we started talking again. We’d hang out and just talk. After some time I eventually I ended up kissing him. (that’s all we ever did). Things were cool but everytime we talked, he’d always bring up our one week “relationship” and ask why I broke up with him, why I lead him on.. Which I did. I’ll admit that. I fucked up. I know. Eventually we stopped talking again. He’d always call, text. I ignored it for a while. I don’t know why but I would always try to be nice and try to maintain a friendship with him. And that always ended up with him bringing up the past, and me telling him off. I stopped talking to him for a good while. I had not spoken to him in over a year, and he called me today. He called like 10 times. I eventually answered. We spoke for about an hour and as always he brings up the past. The conversation got really weird and awkward. He told me he still loves me and that he’s never going to forget me. In my head I was like (here we go again).. He asked me if I had feelings for him, I said no and he hung up. Then he called me back like 4/5 times. I didn’t answer. So I wrote this. So Blockhead what the fuck do I do? I don’t have feelings for him. I’ve ignored him but somehow always give in and try to be nice…always try to keep it cool with him cause I feel guilty for leading him on but that never ends well. Help me Blockhead!

Print this letter out so when the police find your dismembered body, they’ll know exactly who did it.
This dude is not well. Anyone who rushes into “love” like that has serious problems. Sure, they could be small things like insecurity and abandonment issues from that past but they could also speak of much darker psychological problems that you want no part of. Like I always remind people, I’m not a real doctor. I’m a college dropout. But even I know when you’re dealing with someone who is clearly unstable.
From the sound of things, he’s delusional, doesn’t let anything go and it extremely impulsive. Whenever someone is prone to calling people over and over and over and over, that’s them being a fucking crazy person. I did that once when i was in a dark place with this girl and I remember , when the night ended I stopped myself and thought “Holy shit…you were just that ‘calling all day’ guy!” and I never did it again. The fact that it seems like this is repeated behavior by this guy is telling of his mental state.
Luckily for you, it sounds as he’s not really a danger to you.So that’s good. No restraining order needed quite yet. He may be a danger to himself but I really don’t know him (at all) to honestly be speculating that. All I do know is that you need to never pick up his phone calls again. He’ll eventually go away. The fact this is all happening without sex being involved is even crazier. You must be a really amazing person…or he’s a total lunatic. So, good luck with all that.

Would you say that a guy who sometimes seems a little vacant , as in not very engaged in the present moment or seemingly indifferent to his girls presence, and would rather go sleep at his (dirty) house all the time instead of staying at his girlfriends house whom he says he loves.. is normal? Or do guys say they love a girl when they’re really not that into her or getting tired of her? Or is it normal for a guy to act vacant and indifferent when he really loves her?

There are different levels of indifferent. As a guy who has been called that my entire life by women, I can attest to that. The sleeping at home thing might just be a comfort thing. He likes his own bed. He wants to fart all night. He wants privacy. Also, how often is this happening? Do you try to spend every night with him or is he simply trying to retain some privacy/independence a few nights a week?
The tricky thing about gauging indifference is that , for some dudes, it’s not a natural way of being. Sometimes it means they really are disinterested in the girl they’re with. Other times it means they’re fucking someone else. However, to the real indifferent motherfuckers, that just a way of being. They (we) simply are not as invested in being emotional about things. That doesn’t mean they don’t care and don’t love you, it just means it doesn’t overwhelm them. Not even close.
IS it possible you’re clingier than you realize and it’s making him wanna be alone sometimes? You wouldn’t be the first clingy girlfriend.
On a side note, discussing how men use the power of saying “I love you”, you can only put so much weight into that. After a while of saying that phrase, it begins to lose meaning. Men are certainly not above just saying it to make the girl happy. Often, it will save him from having a annoying emotional conversation he doesn’t feel like having. So, if you’re basing any of this of the fact he has , at some point, told you he loved you, stop that. This needs to be approached more at face value. Is he not into you? Is he cheating? or is emotionless drone just his personality?
Figure that out, with the whole “I love you” angle removed, and you will see what you’re working with.

2 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 23

  1. Dr. Tony: Do you think more people are cheating than admit it? I’m honestly starting to lose faith in monogamy. I say this because I was with my ex boyfriend for kinda a long time and, regrettably, cheated on him. I felt pretty bad but it became easier each time and he never found out. Also, the guys I cheated with never felt bad for messing with a girl they knew had a girlfriend. I know that sounds horrible but it was when I just started college and my inner slut came out. For now I’m not dating because I’m still not sure if I can be monogamous. The fact that he never found out made me really think “Hey, how many other people are getting away with this shit?”. I mean, ideally we’d all be perfect partners and never even look at another person but it’s human nature to be attracted to people. Now, I’m about to sound like an even more horrible person here but I’ve also been in situations where guys who’ve had girlfriends have hooked up with me. I guess I feel that it’s their problem if I’m the single one but I’m not completely without a conscious, when I see pictures of these couples on Facebook or hang out with them at parties I honestly feel bad. The thing is, these guys seems to not even feel bad about cheating, in fact they even asked to meet up again. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were sleeping with even more women as well. I’ve also been in threesome situations with girls who wanted to give their boyfriend that opportunity to, I guess, get some urges out of them. Is there hope for relationships? Or are the majority of people just assholes who want to be fucked? It’s this dilemma that keeps me from dating again.

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