Emily Ratajkowski will ruin my life

So, if you read this blog on the regular you may recall that yesterdays entry of “Tim and I discuss music and stuff” and this one are basically about the same thing. Emily Ratajkowski. Well, fuck me cause I’m in love. Not since when my young puberty glazed eyes laid themselves on Bobbi Brown in the Warrant video for “Cherry Pie” have I been so inspired by the art of moving picture.

Sure, looking at it now , Bobbi Brown is your quintessential early 90’s blonde slut type that you’d see in any mall of america. But back then? Gaskets were blown. Doors were closed. tissues were used.
Flash forward to earlier this week and someone emails me this video. (NSFW!!!)
Seeing that it was Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell is was kinda confused as to why anyone would send this to me. I mean, Pharrell is great and T.I. has certainly had some moments but, in general, Thicke has always been somewhat of a whiggerish clown from canada with a really bad fake sensual thug accent. So, i watched the video…and I take it all back. I mean, i still think he’s sorta that dude but now I respect him so, so, so much more.
If you have not seen this video or are at work and cannot watch it (It’s VERY NSFW) , allow me to explain it in depth. It’s Thicke, Pharrell and T.I. standing around while three insanely beautiful women walk around topless. That’s it. I’m sure who ever wrote the treatment for the video had way more details to it but that’s really all it is. Simple. Effective. Perfect.
“But, Tony (or Blockhead),” you may be asking “You are clearly a man whose watched his fair share of porn and seen endless amount of naked women in your lifetime. What makes this at all special?”
Well, one thing makes it special. And her name is Emily Ratajkowski. She the brunette (obviously) She is, by all accounts and research done by me, the hottest women on the planet. I mean, holy shit. I live in world so dulled by over exposure to all things sexual that finding suitable porn to watch is like a fucking lord of the rings installment. Then this little bit of soft core comes a long and fucks my whole world up. To give perspective on how hot she is, there are two other beautiful models in this video with their tops off that I could not give less of a shit about. They are stunning. Two girls I could never bag in a million lifetimes…but it doesn’t matter. They’re unfortunately within an eye shot of Mrs. Ratajkowski so they might as well be livestock. She’s THAT hot.
After watching the video an unhealthy amount of times the last few days, I’ve tried to wrap my hear around it all. It’s pretty simple though. She’s perfect looking. At least for my taste. That’s the easy part. But I’ve seen many girls who I consider perfect looking and none have hit me in the way she does. After much soul searching, I came to the conclusion that my deep lust for her stems from her terrible and dorky dance moves. She is, by any standard, a really bad dancer. Any other girl doing those exact moves would be laughed at like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld but, for her, it works. Magically so. To see a girl that sexy and beautiful look like a dork gives her an air of cuteness that creates a perfect storm. Seeing her bust out those moves, I immediately assumed she was foreign. Between the look, the name and the “I grew up on a third world farm” dance steeze, she was a perfect candidate for a person who might have a thick polish accent. but no, she’s american. At least she’s lived here long enough to where there is no accent. I know…I was shocked too.

Even that video is another testament to her undeniable flyness. Her Co-star, Sara underwood, is no slouch but she looks like a typical midwestern cheesehead when placed next to Ratajkowski. It’s truly humbling…and also extremely depressing.She’s so hot is makes me sad. I’m not alone either. I’ve exchanged emails, tweets and texts with men who share the same “goddamn her!” sentiment. She’s too beautiful.
You , the readers, might not remember this but I once rode hard for Olivia Munn. I thought she was the hottest/coolest girl for a while. Part of her allure was that she seemed approachable on some level. She as quirky and attractive. Ratajkowski is the opposite. While this video proves her to also be at least a little quirky, she’s beyond unapproachable. She might as well have her own solar system or a moat built around her. I feel bad for the men who have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Like what does the guy at the coffee shop she goes to think every time she bats those eyes at him and asks for a diet chia latte with agava essence (or whatever the fuck she probably drinks). He probably has a mini panic attack every time she walks in. I hope, for his sake, he’s gay.
And to think, there is some guy out there who gets to have sex with her who,in all likelihood, is sick of her texting him all the time (After all, in reality, she’s still a girl in her early 20’s AKA the worst). He’s probably some douche bag with no scruples or cares when it comes to “The order of things” who randomly hit on her and she took the bait. He hit the jack pot without even realizing it. Or He might even be a really famous person who , to him, she’s just another girl in his stable. Who knows?
It’s too much for my brain to really deal with. Whatever the case, I just wanna salute her. And apologize to all the girls who read this in utter disgust. Sorry. But, at the same time, if you are fronting on this girl on any level you are a bitter hater of highest order. I’d advise you to just tip your hat to her and keep it moving cause, really, It’s all any of us can do.
Don’t be like this bum ass girl:

73 thoughts on “Emily Ratajkowski will ruin my life

  1. Damn Block. You’re right. I’m supposed to be doing something right now but I ended up doing something else. She’s that hot.

  2. I’m going with the idea that she’s got bad breath, an ugly fuckface and a beat up mitt…Probably not but “what if???”

      • Her body is undoubtelty one of the best things to ever grace the Earth. In some photos she has kind of a duck face thing going on.Almost like to-much-collagen in the lips. I think it’sjust a facial expression she is making but it’s not a good look. However when she’s got that little little smile thing going….Shiiiittt..She can melt steel with that .

  3. I…..don’t…. find her…. that attractive…..sorry bro….I’m with you on the Olivia Munn though, she’s fire.

    • You’re crazy. So you’re saying she is unattractive? Is that really what you’re telling me? GTFOH.
      Even if her face isn’t you “type” , fronting on that body just means your being contrarian.

      • Ease down man, EASE DOWN!!!. ha. Just kidding. You like what you like, no big deal. I wouldn’t say she is unattractive, but, honeslty, like Sara Underwood, she just kind of evaporates from memory. I have the same feeling about Carice van Houten from Game of Thrones. After seeing her in Black Book, I could’ve written the same shit you did above. Something about her, maybe it was her being naked half the movie(I think she is naked in almost every movie she is in-bonus!), just hit that sweet spot. I bet, you don’t think she is that great, at least not as hot as this girl, and you know what, that’s cool. At least we are both man enough to admit that when hot girls get naked, it’s usually pretty cool.

      • Agreed…and this is all opinions but you didn’t seriously just put the witch from game of thrones in the same universe as this girl, did you? Come on, son. I mean…come on…at least pick Khaleesi.

    • I’m not gonna argue with people about this cause it’s all taste but if you think this girl isn’t spectacular, I think you have shitty taste. But, that’s just my opinion.

      • I am so happy guys find her attractive! I am a girl and just saw Entourage (the movie). I thought the lead girl (Emily) had such an unattractive face and had no idea she was a model. It makes us gals happy when a “goose face” gets love from the guys. They deserve it!! More power to all women when someone like Emily is considered “hot!!!” With all the Adrianna Lima types out there, it is nice to see someone like Emily find her niche!

    • Are you for real right now? That Susan chick looks like any chick on the street bro. She’s cute, sure, but don’t fuck with Emily Ratajkowski, this girl is a GODDESS. You don’t even deserve to look at her. Well, none of us do, but you least of all.

  4. the only ugly thing about her is her last name, which i would take if it met fucking her for the rest of mylife. mc sanatra ratajkowski!

    • Like, change your life hot. Glad there are at least some straight dudes on this board. Bros tryina talk about Susan Coffey. Lol. Susan Coffey no longer exists with this Emily girl on the planet.

  5. She kind of reminds me Vikki Blows, but even hotter.

    Time to put that “verified” Twitter check-mark to good use, Block! You now know what your next music video needs to entail (hint: it starts with “lots” and ends with “of boobies”)

  6. Hahaha this is perhaps my favorite post from you because you just go on and on and on and on about this hot woman. And on and on and on.

  7. I just feel like your an asshole for bringing me down with you. I just lost 5 hours of my life and now have a lonely dark corner in my Boner’s heart that can only be filled by her.

      • Haha, great reply. Well its one thing to have a sort of fetish for cute small titties
        but its not only that.
        I was more like talking about her face which curiously you weren’t talking about a lot in this post. I just think Emily has no chance in the face department against Lorena. Emily has by no means an ugly duck-face but (I guess I need to specify) her lips are too thick, her eyes are too far apart and her nose from close doesn’t seem right either. I guess what I’m trying to say is her face isn’t symmetric enough for me (which is something I simply prefer and I connect with beauty). Lorena’s almost is to me. Now this is that “taste thing” so I guess we cant agree here since you seem to think out of the order face features are more interesting.

      • Emily is the kind of girl that looks good in professional photo or video shoots for obvious reasons. Her face contours remind me very much of the eastern europe beauties which would naturally be a good thing if I wouldn’t find them a tad boring. Also I’m pretty sure she doesnt look that exciting when somebody doesn’t treat her face. Lorena however…seems very much like the girl who just always looks stunning. Of course this is all bit speculative but Im pretty confident in this matter and in my taste.

      • Dude, this is 100% taste but you breakdown of emily’s face is beyond retarded. Lorena is a pretty girl. A very normal looking, thin lipped white girl with a body that is almost boy like. She’s 100% attractive without question but, yes, i like interesting looking girls. Tan, big lips, dark eyes. That’s hot to me. Also, I’ve had friends who have seen her in person and every one of them said it was like seeing a glowing goddess. Lorena is the type of girl I’d see at a bar and think “she’s hot” and then move on.
        But, yes, the reason i didn’t talk much about her face in my write up cause that kinda thing is so objective. I didn’t feel the need to go into it primarily cause of people like you who are way more into plainer looking pretty girls, as opposed to more exotic types.

      • Let’s not drag this on. But I have to say that my breakdown might sound retarded (breakdowns like that usually do when you’re talking about a pretty girl) but its undeniable that she doesn’t have a symmetric face, (which as I said is quite the deal breaker for me) and that was my point. However I probably should’ve mentioned that I’m from eastern Europe and Spanish girls like Lorena are just far rarer here than in the states (…I guess). Girls like Emily on the other hand are not such a rarity so I don’t find her all that special and I am taking everything you have mentioned about her in account. I agree to disagree.

  8. I was planning to hit the hay at 3:45AM. It is now 4:30 and counting and I’m stuck up checking out this girl. Thanks, Block. But no, for real. This girl is beautiful. The “lips being too big” is retarded. They’re perfect, just like her breasts. And she’s got the crazy cute thing going for her when she’s dancing all goofy. She’s the kind of girl that probably looks just as good first thing in the morning as she does when she’s all dolled up. The kind that pushes your morning wood over the edge.

  9. Happily i’m not with you on this one….Sadly I can relate to it….:’)….:'(….
    *goes back to sad world of #2’s*

  10. “And to think, there is some guy out there who gets to have sex with her who,in all likelihood, is sick of her texting him all the time (After all, in reality, she’s still a girl in her early 20′s AKA the worst). He’s probably some douche bag with no scruples or cares when it comes to “The order of things” who randomly hit on her and she took the bait. He hit the jack pot without even realizing it.” -sadly, this is the story of just about every hot chick in America. I’m not sure if it is a bigger blessing or curse to be considered insanely hot.. She is probably lonely as shit, wondering if there is someone out there who can do more than drool all over her beautiful breasts til they get tired of them and move on to the next best thing..

  11. As a girl I can tell you this chick has just ruined my life. Seriously, she is probably the biggest girl crush I have ever had, she is insanely beautiful. My self esteem evaporated shortly after I first saw this video.
    *calls up Harley Street to book in for reconstructive surgery”

    • I feel ya hun * sighs while swooning* i’ve had many a girl crush but yep my life is actually ruined, damn you Emily *swoons some more*.

  12. Reading this was so funny, every guy I dated has asked if that’s me, as if! I look a lot like her and we have very very similar bodies I’m just shorter , but yeah we look 85% alike and the weirdest part , we have the same manurisms… Anyway I think she’s stunning as well

  13. Love your post. Man, I got hit with the Emily Ratajkowski bat good and hard. And I liked it. The first time I watched the family friendly version I was floored seeing her dance around. Then i found the NSFW version and found myself 43mins:10sec later having watched it 10 times in a row! And then some. She is undoubtably the hottest woman on the planet right now. No contest. Mind blown. Who the fuck is that girl? 2 days later I’m still trawling the internet for images and info. But what makes her so special? There are heaps of equally as fine looking (almost) ladies about and no shortage of them flaunting it on the net….what causes you to get infected with the ’15 year old boy first love syndrome’? How does she cut through so very, very sharply over all the others? Basically, how does she fuck up your life? Beside the obvious fact that she is so off-the-scale hot and it hurts, its a couple of things. Firstly she is a master of social media. Whether she manages it herself or someone else does on her behalf, who knows. But you’d like to think she does, and that is what gives her a sense of accessibility…and i want access and lots of it. She offers images from when she was younger, ex boyfriends, her parent etc. so you make a kind of fucked up historical/familiar connection with her, thinking all of a sudden you’ve know her all your life. She offers daily tweets that make you feel like you are up to date with her projects and photo shoots. She posts all her new photos of her fucking unbelievably, impossibly hot body to instagram and other sites. The second reason she is able to stop you from functioning normally is Blurred Lines. There has been no other video produced like it in the history of mankind that showcases a girl like this does. She is the star, there is nobody else in that video. It shows she has humour and personality…no one else in the world could dance dorky moves like that and be so attractive…it is what make her so attractive. It is truly mind altering stuff that causes you to reassess everything you know. I can now say I have seen perfection and her name is Emily Ratajkowski.

    • Exactly. You’ve got it bro. You’ve hit the fuckin nail on the motherfuckin head. Everything in my life just became shittier because this girl exists somewhere out there. It’s fucking terrible.

  14. good lord. yes, the girl is hot and all…but seriously. you sound like a 14 yr old. it’s unseemly! grow up, Man!

    • Fuck you if you can’t appreciate perfection. If this were a few centuries ago wars would be fought over this woman, nations would crumble and form in her honor. And you’re complaining about one blog post? Fuck you.

  15. I do remember Kate Upton doing the a similar quirky sexy dancing and everyone went crazy. She became a supermodel instantly that year. The difference is she was in a bikini and not topless, plus it was just a little 1 minute youtube video. Why are guys going crazy over her now? The anonymous guy above is correct. Emily is everywhere and we are able to follow her everyday on all these social medias. We definitely are not going to hear the end of her. What is going to be interesting though is how girls are going to try and be the next big thing. We can expect to see more topless supermodels being flaunted in our faces. All the girls mentioned above do not come close to Emily except maybe Kate Upton. (Youtube Kate Upton Dougie dance) Who will be the next Emily Ratajkowski? Its only a matter of time.

  16. I feel your pain. I recently stumbled upon the most beautiful woman on the planet, and now I’m overly infatuated with her… Sucks that I can only admire her from a distance (thousands of miles separate us). -sigh

    But have you seen what Emily Ratajkowski’s boyfriend looks like? lol

    OH yeah, one more thing. You should dedicate a beat or song to her haha

  17. Man, I CAN NOT AGREE WITH YOU MORE. I saw her in this video and I too couldn’t keep my eyes off her. If she was on the screen, and any other topless women were also on the screen, the others would be ignored. She is perfection. It pains me to know that I’ll never be able to touch her.

  18. Ok I know this is an extremely male dominated blog but I have to to join in…
    Wow oh wow is she super hot!
    I’m a straight girl or so I thought until I laid eyes upon Emily haha I mean don’t get me wrong I’ve always appreciated beautiful women, (brunettes seems to be my weakness towards sending me on the turn) but seriously even thinking about her right now is getting me ridiculously horny ooooof
    From where you write “Well, one thing makes it special. And her name is Emily Ratajkowski. She the brunette (obviously)…….” onwards its like you practically took the words and thoughts out of my mind I couldn’t agree more!
    I can’t even count how many times i have watched the blurred lines vid, I have to stop what I’m doing and just watch and swoon in awe, just no words to describe her hotness on all levels just, yum! hot, cute, cheeky, sexy and just oooof anyway…
    And do not be apologuisig to “girls reading in disgust” to those girls I say ‘screw you she’s hot! you know it and if your hating your clearly just envious’ (no offensiveness intended) but to be fair if there are other girls reading this chances are they feel the same way we all do! ❤
    Anyway I'd love to write more but I have to…erm needs to…erm tend to……cue montage pics of Emily Ratajkowski….do NOT disturb 😉 haha

    Ps can she be my lesbian lover please?! It's not much to ask right?!

  19. Man I tell ya, I’m 42, married to a beautiful women, have had my share of success when I was in play, and NOBODY has had me searching the ‘net for pics and info and whatever the heck I can find and see in such a manner for years, if EVER! Emily R. is simply incredibly sexy, and this article is DEAD ACCURATE! I’m glad you even verbalized the part about her dancing being attractive and perfectly fitting somehow for her. I thought she did an incredible job and I believe this video to be the sexiest and best I’ve ever seen. It has to be the best if I’ve viewed it more than any other in my life!

    Somehow though, sadly, she makes us all realize that maybe our significant other, or past girlfriends, or our dating history IS NOT as great as we thought it/they were! lol

  20. I’m a girl and I’m in lllooove with herr it’s the sexiest women I have ever seen …I look at her pictures on instagram almost everyday :))

  21. Ugly immoral attention whore. Her face is disgusting, her mouth is plastic. I can’t stand this stupid fugly atention whore. People that like her are retarded.

  22. WOW this is a sad read. Don’t you have any real women in your life to obsess over?

    Yes she is hot, no denying that but you sound both obsessed, desperate and perverted. When I read this I pictured an overweight guy sitting at home eating pizza while stalking beautiful women on the internet. Normal men never tend to do that.

    If she ever read this I think she would run for cover. I am embarrassed on you mens behalf’s, and women like that would never date men that insecure. You actually spend THAT much time thinking about celebrities you don’t know anything about beside from how they look and are in a couple of clips etc?


    • Or you’re just a fucking loser who takes things way to seriously. That’s a pretty solid possibility.
      You’re the one commenting on a blog written over a year ago , leading me to believe you were googling Em-rata in the first place.

  23. Well, yes she is pretty but not the prettiest. I’m not trying to hate but she is slutty. Very slutty. She’s on pornhub and any other porn site you can imagine. just searching her name up online comes up with a picture of “cum on me tits” She’s only 23 and by far 30 to 40 year olds look better than her. Take a look at Rosamund Pike. I have no idea what type of girls you have been around but if Emily is the hottest you have even seen, you’re crazy. It’s probably her breasts that attract you more than anything though. -Katie

    • Yes, Emily is very hot but not number one my list. Not a fan of Robing Thicke but i did enjoy the unrated version of the video “Blurred LInes”. You were right about the fact Emily puts the other two models to shame. She also has a fantastic looking ass.

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