So, if you read this blog on the regular you may recall that yesterdays entry of “Tim and I discuss music and stuff” and this one are basically about the same thing. Emily Ratajkowski. Well, fuck me cause I’m in love. Not since when my young puberty glazed eyes laid themselves on Bobbi Brown in the Warrant video for “Cherry Pie” have I been so inspired by the art of moving picture.
Sure, looking at it now , Bobbi Brown is your quintessential early 90’s blonde slut type that you’d see in any mall of america. But back then? Gaskets were blown. Doors were closed. tissues were used.
Flash forward to earlier this week and someone emails me this video. (NSFW!!!)
Seeing that it was Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell is was kinda confused as to why anyone would send this to me. I mean, Pharrell is great and T.I. has certainly had some moments but, in general, Thicke has always been somewhat of a whiggerish clown from canada with a really bad fake sensual thug accent. So, i watched the video…and I take it all back. I mean, i still think he’s sorta that dude but now I respect him so, so, so much more.
If you have not seen this video or are at work and cannot watch it (It’s VERY NSFW) , allow me to explain it in depth. It’s Thicke, Pharrell and T.I. standing around while three insanely beautiful women walk around topless. That’s it. I’m sure who ever wrote the treatment for the video had way more details to it but that’s really all it is. Simple. Effective. Perfect.
“But, Tony (or Blockhead),” you may be asking “You are clearly a man whose watched his fair share of porn and seen endless amount of naked women in your lifetime. What makes this at all special?”
Well, one thing makes it special. And her name is Emily Ratajkowski. She the brunette (obviously) She is, by all accounts and research done by me, the hottest women on the planet. I mean, holy shit. I live in world so dulled by over exposure to all things sexual that finding suitable porn to watch is like a fucking lord of the rings installment. Then this little bit of soft core comes a long and fucks my whole world up. To give perspective on how hot she is, there are two other beautiful models in this video with their tops off that I could not give less of a shit about. They are stunning. Two girls I could never bag in a million lifetimes…but it doesn’t matter. They’re unfortunately within an eye shot of Mrs. Ratajkowski so they might as well be livestock. She’s THAT hot.
After watching the video an unhealthy amount of times the last few days, I’ve tried to wrap my hear around it all. It’s pretty simple though. She’s perfect looking. At least for my taste. That’s the easy part. But I’ve seen many girls who I consider perfect looking and none have hit me in the way she does. After much soul searching, I came to the conclusion that my deep lust for her stems from her terrible and dorky dance moves. She is, by any standard, a really bad dancer. Any other girl doing those exact moves would be laughed at like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld but, for her, it works. Magically so. To see a girl that sexy and beautiful look like a dork gives her an air of cuteness that creates a perfect storm. Seeing her bust out those moves, I immediately assumed she was foreign. Between the look, the name and the “I grew up on a third world farm” dance steeze, she was a perfect candidate for a person who might have a thick polish accent. but no, she’s american. At least she’s lived here long enough to where there is no accent. I know…I was shocked too.
Even that video is another testament to her undeniable flyness. Her Co-star, Sara underwood, is no slouch but she looks like a typical midwestern cheesehead when placed next to Ratajkowski. It’s truly humbling…and also extremely depressing.She’s so hot is makes me sad. I’m not alone either. I’ve exchanged emails, tweets and texts with men who share the same “goddamn her!” sentiment. She’s too beautiful.
You , the readers, might not remember this but I once rode hard for Olivia Munn. I thought she was the hottest/coolest girl for a while. Part of her allure was that she seemed approachable on some level. She as quirky and attractive. Ratajkowski is the opposite. While this video proves her to also be at least a little quirky, she’s beyond unapproachable. She might as well have her own solar system or a moat built around her. I feel bad for the men who have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Like what does the guy at the coffee shop she goes to think every time she bats those eyes at him and asks for a diet chia latte with agava essence (or whatever the fuck she probably drinks). He probably has a mini panic attack every time she walks in. I hope, for his sake, he’s gay.
And to think, there is some guy out there who gets to have sex with her who,in all likelihood, is sick of her texting him all the time (After all, in reality, she’s still a girl in her early 20’s AKA the worst). He’s probably some douche bag with no scruples or cares when it comes to “The order of things” who randomly hit on her and she took the bait. He hit the jack pot without even realizing it. Or He might even be a really famous person who , to him, she’s just another girl in his stable. Who knows?
It’s too much for my brain to really deal with. Whatever the case, I just wanna salute her. And apologize to all the girls who read this in utter disgust. Sorry. But, at the same time, if you are fronting on this girl on any level you are a bitter hater of highest order. I’d advise you to just tip your hat to her and keep it moving cause, really, It’s all any of us can do.
Don’t be like this bum ass girl: