Back once again…Fucking, marrying and killing like it’s my job. My hypothetical job.
This week is a little of this and little of that. If you’ve got any fresh ideas for F/M/K, please leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new angles to take on this. Don’t be offended if I don’t use your submission cause, well, I’ve been doing this for a while now and a lot of bases have been covered. But it never hurts to try…
Anyway, here we go….
F/M/K: Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, June Carter Cash.
Marry: June Carter Cash
This wasn’t an easy choice. I feel like all these old timey redneck women might actually make great wives in a way. They were all pretty in their day and they all , most likely, dealt with crazy men who they, beyond all reason, stood by. I’d say June Carter wins that contest as she was married to Johnny Cash’s crazy, drugged up ass and still came out the other end. That type of loyalty is rare so I’d go with her.
Little know fact about Dolly Parton: She has a face.
Not only that but her face is actually very cute. I remember when I had that realization. A friend of mine was dating this hot girl and I noticed she looked like Dolly Parton in the face and it all clicked “Dolly Parton was more than just enormous tits”. This was a tough pick cause she would easily be a candidate for marriage but she ended up here cause…well…she’s the one with all the sex appeal. Did I mention she has humungous tits? Cause she has those too…
Also, she’s like 80 now and still looks great. That’s pretty impressive.
Kill: Loretta Lynn
I don’t know much about Loretta lynn except she was a coal miners daughter. At least that what the movie they made about her was called. So, call me short sighted but I can’t help but imagine her having black lung and vagina full of soot. That’s enough for her to land in this unfortunate column. I’m sure she was a lovely woman…or not. Who knows? Most musicians are fucking assholes. Also, she kinda looks like she’d be a waitress at a Cracker barrel. Either way. She dead.
F/M/K:Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “Set It Off” edition:Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox ,Kimberly Elise
Kill: Jada Pinkett (this was before the smith)
Listen, I’m not trying to fuck anyone who doesn’t wanna be there. She clearly would rather have Queen Latifah playing this game than me and I can accept that. Sure, we could marry and i could be her beard but where does that leave me? Beyond all that, while she’s an attractive woman, she’s one of those thin lipped , wax skinned looking women who exudes a certain roughness that I don’t find particularly boner inducing. To be frank, she doesn’t exactly, “set it off” in my pants. so Murder was the case that they gave me.
Fuck: Kimberly Elise
I had forgotten all about this girl but was grateful that, whoever submitted this F/M/K, excluded Queen Latifah. Looking back through google and being reminded of who Kimberly Elise is, i can say that…well…she’s a pretty yet goofy faced kinda lady. Like if Garcelle Beauvais has a lame little sister. That said, Elise does have a certain sex appeal. Mainly, she got body. I’ve certainly done far worse in real life so this wouldn’t be that big a deal. Sometimes, the math is as simple as that.
Marry: Vivica Fox
Since we’re talking about them when they were in their prime, few ladies from that era are fucking with Vivica Fox. Holy shit, did I love her back then. She had cute, sexy and crazy all wrapped into a tight little package. I recognize she now looks like a plastic monster but all these submissions are being judged from when they were in their prime. Currently, she’s pretty horrifying. But this isn’t now. This is then. While the possible mental instability might be an issue, sometimes you gotta look at marriage as a roller coaster ride, as opposed to a walk on the beach. The lows with be low…but the highs will be high. Okay, full disclosure, I don’t believe a word of what i just wrote about marriage but , of these three, I’m slamming a ring on Fox’s finger with the quickness and riding her till the wheels fall off…which they most certainly would.
F/M/K/:X-men (women) edition. Rogue, Storm, and Mistique.
Quite possibly the easiest choice I’ve ever had to make.
Now, what are peoples (men and women a like) biggest gripe about being with someone for the rest of their lives? That they don’t get to fuck other people ever again. The best part about being single is the variety. With Mistique, that would never be a problem. In fact, you could fuck a new person…literally ANYONE, every night. She could be Megan Fox one night, then flip into Michelle williams (if that what you’re in the mood for) then , ZAP, she’s Topenga from Boy meets world the next day. I’d imagine, with this kinda power shit would get weird quick and she’d be morphing into super obscure girls from fast food commercials or car advertisements. But hey, as long as she’s game and doesn’t turn back into that blue thing mid-coitus, it would be all good. Never a dull moment when you’re married to Mystique.
I feel like fucking storm would be best cause if you were to get too involved with her she might start throwing tornados at your penis. On top of that, I’m sure the one off bone sesh would be pretty memorable. You ever made love in the rain? Well, times that by a million.
It’s gotta be her. She can’t even kiss a dude without making his brain explode. I don’t even wanna imagine what her head game is like. The only person she could ever even date successfully would be one of those guys that only gets off on watching. That kinda creep would flourish under her unbridled love but otherwise? She’s leaving a trail of dead bodies cause , by hooking up with her, you’re basically sticking your dick on a super powered bug zapper.
F/M/K,Your own blog edition: Answers for Questions, Demo Reviews ,Fuck, Marry, Kill
Marry: Answers for questions
Always reliable. Always easy. Every monday, I wake up and my week starts the same way. With a long piss. But after that, I sit down and write this column. When you’re like me and your schedule isn’t really a schedule, it’s nice to have something that you can rely on. To me, writing this blog is a big part of that. And “Answers for questions” Sets the tone every week. I’m not saying it’s a home run every week but, hey, neither is being in a long term committed relationship. But, at the end of the day, it’s there for me every week and never that much of a hassle.
Fuck: Fuck, Marry , Kill
While writing this column is the most fun of the three, it’s also kinda time consuming. The prospect of finding the pictures alone makes me not wanna deal with it some weeks. (side note: how lazy am I that the idea of having to google stuff is tiring to me?). So, for that reason , F/M/K makes perfect sense to F. It’s a lot of fun but not something I need to revisit that often. Also, admittedly, it’s pretty well worn territory. I certainly didn’t come up with the idea and I’m not really bringing much extra to the table by doing it. The humor is in the rationalizing of such a ridiculous topic. But still, I could be happy with a one and done of F/M/K.
Kill: Demo Reviews
Easy. Let me tell you something about my “demo reviews”. There’s a common misconception that I do it cause I desire to hear whats out there. Like i’m doing a good deed or something. This is 100% wrong. I do demo reviews as a means to control the never ending flood of “Hey, can you listen to my demo??!?!?” that is my social media existence. Prior to doing “Demo Reviews” I’d have random people hitting me up , asking me to check their shit. In my entire life, I had never heard an even decent demo. So, i wasn’t exactly drawn to respond. Then, I had the idea that I could take that and somehow whip it into content for my blog. That’s all it is. I don’t want to listen to your demos. I truly don’t. But, it makes good blog content. After a year of doing it or so, I’ve come around to it and have actually heard some pretty good stuff (RARELY) but , still, not a week goes by when I don’t sit down to write it and wish I had never opened that can of worms. KILL KILL KILL