Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 25

Ahh yes…time to dole out that sweet sweet advice to the youth of the world.
You wrote me and asked for my help so, with that, I give you my version of “help”.
For those who are unfamiliar, I’m not a doctor but I play one on the internet. I’m just a man with common sense that likes to give strangers tips on love and life.
If you’re a human who needs help in this department, please write me and ask me anything. Send the questions to The questions are answered anonymously so, don’t worry about that. No one will know your dark secrets…cause I don’t know you.
So, yeah, send me stuff so I can fix it.
Anyway, this weeks theme seems to be mostly friends and lovers. Or, I should say, how confusing the two can be. Let’s see what we got going…

I have one more for the doctor!

first of all, excuse my bad english… I hope you understand everything!!

the story is very long but I’ll keep it short and try to make more a “global question”

I had this girlfriend for like 7 months but it’s over (she left me). Our relationship was awesome, like good friends too, it wasn’t only attraction, so I’m not mad at her or anything and I’m really up to being friends (seriously) cause we like similar things and we always talk lots about music and I love to hear her opinions about my artworks etc…

anyway, It seemed that it could work but I’m not sure anymore because sometimes I feel angry when she doesn’t text me back or shit like this. It is fucking stupid but I can’t control it. Sometimes I’m not sure if she really wants to talk to me and she just does it because she doesn’t want to hurt me or anything

I’m confused because I’ve been with a few (5+) girls since she left me 5 months ago, but somehow I guess I want to be friends with her cause I still like her… but I will always feel something for her, right?

so, what’s your opinion on being friends with an ex-girlfriend? bad idea? will be always stressing?
should I just move on and accept that she is not part of my life anymore?

I feel sad about losing someone who I like (not just because she is a girl and hot) but maybe I’m just a fucking hippy

I’d say what you’re going through is 100% typical of a person who got dumped. If it were up to you, you two would be together but she’s not into it. It sucks but it’s a reality. With that in mind, a “friendship” seems like something that might be impossible until you’re on equal ground. As long as you still, in the back of your mind, desire her to be more than a friend, you two can never really be friends. Ideally, friendship is being equals. It’s a give and take. If you’re gonna sit around and get salty when your “friend” doesn’t respond to some arbitrary text quick enough, you gotta understand that that’s your wanna be boyfriend brain at work. If you were really her “friend”, you’d shrug it off and talk to her when you talk to her. Real friend don’t sweat the small stuff cause we know it’s not a slight at us. It’s just something that happens.
My advice to you would be to remove yourself from the situation. I have no doubt she’s being nice to you to salvage your feelings so if you were to lessen contact with her, she wouldn’t be too upset. If your plan is actually be friends with her and never try to make her your GF again, then you’ll both need time and space. Otherwise, you’re just going to start to annoy her or you’ll end up being her weird lap dog who sits around her telling her how you don’t like the new guy she’s dating. Don’t be that guy. That guy is 100% a sucker, forever and always.
Surely you can find another lovely lady who can tell you how much she likes your artworks.

Hey! So I was dating this guy for about 8 months. Everything was going really great, getting pretty serious and I was really in love with him. Suddenly though, he started to get more distant and ended up breaking up with me. He definitely has some weird commitment issues… not just in our relationship but with his friends, school, work, etc. We had talked about it before when he disappeared one week and I found out he went to San Francisco and forgot to mention it. I’m really not a clingy person so it’s strange to me that he felt a little smothered. Anyway, after we broke up (about two months ago) he really wanted to stay friends. At first I was really against it but a few weeks ago I decided to try it. He came over to our mutual friends house to hang out and drink and everything was going well. We all ended up on the couch watching James and the Giant Peach (great movie) and he was extremely cuddly. It led to sex and the next night he called wanting to clear things up. I knew it didn’t mean he wanted to get back together or anything and that it just kind of happened but he kept saying how much he missed me and how seeing me took him back to when we were together,with that a ton of touchy feely mixed signals leaving me sooo confused. Do you think he’s just confused or just wants to get laid? I made it clear I wasn’t going to do the friends with benefits thing… that it was a relationship, just friends or nothing but he still wants to hang out with me… any insight?

He sounds like he’s one of those dudes who flip flops on his emotions. While this could easily be written off as him trying to get ass and being a good liar, for some reason, I get the feeling he’s just not sure of what he wants. Guys with commitment issues will often vacillate in their actions.
He also may be one of those “have your cake and eat it too” types.
Regardless, if this situation is black and white to you (you’re either friends or in a relationship) then there’s really no room for discussion, right?
LOL at “being friends” with this guy for all the reasons I stated in the previous question. Even if his intentions are good, will he be able to control those old feelings that eventually lead to you two fucking while watching pixar films? Probably not.
So, basically, this is what you make it. You can say you won’t be friends with benefits but , in a way, if you remain “friends” that’s gonna happen. So, either cut him loose completely or set serious ground rules that he most likely won’t be into. Either way, I’m guessing this one isn’t gonna turn out how you’d like it to.

Heyo Block, I have an issue, I would like your thoughts on please.
My best friend is a guy. I met him about 14 years ago when we went to school together for a few years,
before he left, but we have only been friends for like 3 years. Before we became friends, we met again
after a gap of about 7 years and there was this instant connection between us. We even lived together
for a couple of weeks, and that is how we became so close. Anyway I decided I fucking liked this guy,
but somewhere along the line, I made myself forget about me liking him because he always had a girlfriend.
But, turns out I still do like him, after 3 years, except I had been lying to myself so I wouldn’t get hurt.
So yeah, I still dig him, a lot and I told him that and because we are so close he understood and said that
is didn’t matter at all and even suggested a relationship slightly further down the track. We are real honest
with each other, me more that him though and he did admit to being sexually attracted to me and asked me
if I could see us having sex but I still feel like he had more to say…
Also, did I mention that we have hooked up, before I expressed any interest. I guess because we are both
sexually frustrated to say the least haha.
So now we are like 3 months since I told him how I feel and it was all normal and we were hanging out heaps
and went to a music festival together and our friendship was great, but suddenly he doesn’t answer any of my
messages via text, Fb or anything and I figure something is going on because we haven’t seen or talked to each
other in over a month, which is unheard of because for the entire duration of our friendship, we have hung out
almost every weekend and talked almost every night on skype, up until he got this bitch girlfriend like 5 months
ago who is real jealous of me (her friends told me), as girls are of each other often, I guess, and is super manipulative.
Maybe I am jealous of her too but I don’t think so…or at least I am not sure.
So I tried to say that we have hardly spoken of hung out at all for ages and he just goes “No, we haven’t lol”.
What the hell? I have really tried to talk to him and invited him places and asked to hang and visit him and stuff,
but also made sure I backed away a bit to give him space, but he just ignores me practically.
I can’t work out what is going on with him. He said he would never let these feelings get between our friendship
and there is nothing else that I can think of that I have done. All I know is that he said he feels guilty for kind of
unintentionally leading me on, or maybe on purpose without realizing it in a way, so maybe he is holding back.
Dunno. Advice/ opinion on this dudes brain would be awesomely appreciated. Thanks bro.

Oh man…so many things I wanna point out here. Where to start…
You wrote:
Anyway I decided I fucking liked this guy,
 but somewhere along the line, I made myself forget about me liking him because he always had a girlfriend. 

This has nothing to do with the question but I’ve always been blown away by this logic. That you can just “make yourself forget” that you like a person. How do you just turn that of, if not just naturally over time? The truth is, you liked him the entire time. Girlfriend or not. You still like him now. You will always like him until something drastic happens or you meet a new dude. It’s not easy to flick that light switch off. And, for the time being, it’s very much on.

Then there is this:
up until he got this bitch girlfriend like 5 months 
ago who is real jealous of me

coupled with this:
Maybe I am jealous of her too but I don’t think so

Umm…yeah…she may be jealous but I’d say it’s warranted as you are her boyfriends close female friends who’s openly had feelings for him and hooked up with him in the past. OF COURSE that’s going to make her insecure. You’re her biggest threat. In fact, I’d imagine it’s been discussed between him and her, as well as all their friends. So, if you’re wondering why he’s not responding to texts and fb messages…that’s why. It’s cause he’s being a good boyfriend to this girl and , most likely, following her wishes. Is it fair? Not really. Is she manipulative? a little. But , i dunno…I get it. No matter how much “friendship” talk you spew, the fact of the matter is that you want something down the line that is beyond friendship. how could that not be an issue to his current gf? Also, you are jealous of her and that’s okay. Even if you don’t see it, she has what you want. She’s taken away a guy who was a staple of you life. I’d say that’s proper grounds for jealousy. It’s not like jealousy is something we can control. If it’s there, it’s there.

Now, what I’m about to write is all based on nothing you have written me. I can’t call what really goes on within the inner workings of a long and complicated friendship between two people I don’t know…but just hear out this perspective.
As a dude who has always had a healthy amount of female friends, our relationships to them (the girls), as perceived by us, is often (not always though) very different from how the girls perceive them. I’ve had many conversations with girls I was friends with on a drunk nights where we made a retard pact to “get married if we’re both single as XXXX age”. Did they mean it? probably not. Did I mean it? No fucking way. All this “down the line” talk that friends of the opposite sex have is usually 100% bullshit. I don’t care if you two have hooked up, not hooked up or whatever. I don’t care if you guys have a “connection”. It’s people talking. Mostly out of their ass. So you can’t put any stock in those kinda vague yet heavy proclamations.

The bottom line is, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. But he doesn’t. He wants to be with the other girl. I’m sure he enjoys your company. I’m sure he truly does want to have sex with you. But I’d bet a large sum that he has no intention of every truly being your man.

So I’m a girl, in my very early twenties and I have this situation going on and I don’t really know what to think about it. A couple of months ago I started hanging out (read: having sex) with this guy I’ve known for like twelve years, since we went to the same school from elementary to high school. Not anymore since we both graduated last spring. We’ve never actually been that good of friends but like sometimes (I guess twice a year) the other one has asked the other one how they’re doing and stuff but nothing really deep.
I’m having my year off after high school and he’s in the army. It’s a sweet deal for me since I only have to hang out with him when he’s in the city for the weekends and that hanging out we do is pretty much having sex. I don’t have any problems with that since I don’t even care about his company that much but it’s nice to have a fuck buddy.
Here’s the deal: every week, (sometimes even twice or three times a week) even if he’s not in town, he sends me text messages and asks me how I’m doing and stuff and how my weekend was and monday and tuesday and oh fuck it… There seems to be nothing really wrong about it, but I think he’s getting too close. I don’t want him to ask me how I’m doing unless he’s in town, available and wants to get laid. I mean like why would he care what I’m up to if he’s not even in town. And after sex he likes to cuddle and hold me and kiss me and stuff, when I would just like to lie down for a minute, get off the bed, get dressed and do something else. I’m afraid he might have feelings for me, ’cause what else could it be? I would like it to be just sex and nothing else, and once after we had had sex I asked him if he thought I wanted anything more of him. He just laughed and said he didn’t think I wanted anything more. But he’s still texting me and wants to cuddle and all that shit so is it possible that he might feel something more for me? If he feels something more then I can’t keep on doing this ’cause it’s not fair because I haven’t got feelings for him. And just so you know I don’t have anyone else in the picture besides him because I don’t have that kind of time for more than one person. Now what’s the deal here? I know the only way to find it out is to ask him straight up about it but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear the answer yet if it is what I think it is. So what’s your opinion?

I hope you understand what I was trying to say (I just want to have a friend with benefits but I guess the guy might want something more)…

Well, this is a welcome spin on todays topic! Role reversal in effect!
Okay, so here’s what i think if possibly going on here. It’s one of three things
1)He does have feelings for you.
The thing about this is that it may be related to his situation. Sure, he likes you, but he also may be bored and lonely in the army and simply want to know that he’s got something waiting for him at home. OR he could legit have real feelings for you. I can’t really tell from what you wrote but both are possible for sure.
2)He’s on the same page as you and thinks that texting and staying in contact is a common courtesy.
Basically, he’s just being a gentleman. Checking in to make things are still cool as a means to make sure that, the next time he’s in town, it’s business as usual.
3) Maybe he’s just one of those dudes that likes to cuddle?
They exist. Just cause he’s all up in your shit after sex doesn’t mean he’s planning wedding vows. I mean, there certainly is a case to be made for a guy who does this that might lead one to believe it’s more than just sex to him…but, I’m just saying, it’s possible that’s just how he acts when he’s intimate with anyone.

See, what you’re going through right now sounds like a problem typical to guys. It’s happened to me, my friends and tons of other dudes I know. It’s the fear of someone you simply want to use as a human sized palm (or dildo in this case) actually catching feelings. So, instead of give you specialized advice cause you’re a girl, i’ll tell you what I’d tell a dude in the situation. After all, equal rights and that shit, right?
Ride it out until it gets too weird OR until he has “the talk”. Everything up until those points is fair game. You’re not being an asshole. You’re not lying. You’re doing what you’re doing and if he, all of a sudden, starts getting emotional, it’s not your problem or fault. That’s on him. Having sex with someone is intimate but it’s not grounds for “leading someone on” if that’s the basis of your entire relationship. Pillow talk is far more dangerous in situations like this.
If things do reach a boiling point, the only thing you can do is cut him loose as to not draw out the pain. Otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing. You clearly like fucking the guy so I’d say don’t rock the boat until you have to. Just keep an eye on it though as these kinda things tend to spiral out of control kinda quickly.

6 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 25

  1. For the past year I haven’t had the best luck on the “dating” scene. Every guy I met either is a dick or I find something stupid wrong with them. For example: there was creepy dude with a rapist vibe who yelled at our waitress, the military guy who left me in a fucking corner for four hours while he went off with his friends on our date, and the guy who secretly had a boyfriend when he got with me. Not girlfriend, boyfriend. Wtf. On the flipside, the guys who are really into me I end up thinking they’re too feminine, slightly too old, are a little too chubby, have hips like a woman, or some ridiculous shit like that. I’m at a point where I’m just like AHHHHH what is wrong with me! Is it weird to be picky like that and want someone who meets all the criteria I’d like? Or do you think that’s impossible? I honestly wish I was less superficial and would just go for the nice chubby guy for once. In fact, one recently asked me about and I enjoy talking to him but I’ve yet to agree to go out because I’m afraid the date will be awkward and I won’t be as attracted to him (I think he’s cute but I kinda psych myself out just waiting for a dude to have flaws). Plus, my friends are probably more superficial than I am and I’m afraid they wouldn’t approve. Yeah, fuck them. So, basically, I need an opinion if I should be less picky, or advice on how to be less picky so I can go for the guys who are actually nice to me. Or do I keep waiting for someone super hot and nice? Would you date someone that lacks in one area if they make up for it in another? I feel like I’m in such a dating slump. Dating sucks, but I’m past the point where I can just hook up with a guy and call it a day. Also, I know I have probably have some issues.

  2. A quick question.
    The song love don’t live here which rap record was it sampled. Actually not sampled, just remade, I have it in my brain but I can’t pull it out. The chorus melody is the same and some words are different, but it’s recognizable. I think it’s some west coast Snoop/warren g/the eastsidaz shit… please help if you know.

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