Answers for questions Vol. 131

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What up ladies and gentleman? Now that your heart has been eviscerated by the photo above, you’re ready.
Back again with another mystical magical trip through the minds of my readers and the burning questions they have for me.
Side note: I was sick again last week. This past year has been full of colds and flus for me, as it seems I have the immune system of a premature baby. Whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I’d like it to stop.
Anyway, if you have any questions you’d like to ask me, shoot them my way. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m an open book. Just don’t ask boring questions. That’s my only rule.
Okay…let’s get into it.

Has any man ever confessed to loving you, in that way? I mean someone in your life… not on the internet (totally guilty here), so…

Can’t say that’s happened. I’ve been hit on by guys numerous times but never has it gotten to the point where someone I knew well decided they wanted to test those waters. I think that , doing that, comes with confusion and a glimmer of light in the eyes of the suitor. I’ve had plenty of gay friends over the years but I have a feeling I’ve never really put out that vibe of someone who may or may not be gay. That , or they get to know me and think I’m disgusting. Both are highly possible.
There was this one guy who used to hang around my friends and I when we were in our early 20’s. He was an older gay dude who used to date Roger Maplethorpe (famous gay photographer). Anyway, this dude would get drunk and hang on occasion. At the end of most nights, once properly sloshed, he’s inevitably try and take one of my straight male friends home with him. While some would follow him via cocaine bait, 95% of the time, people would just roll there eyes and that would be that. I should add that, as far as I know, the people who did follow him home to do coke never hooked up with him. They’d just blow lines at his crib and he’d put on porn (i guess that’s how you bag a straight dude?) but nothing would come of it. Though, I wouldn’t be shocked if he got a sneaky blow job off once or twice but that’s a whole different discussion.
Anyway, that dude hit on EVERYONE. Everyone, except me. In a way, I was kinda offended cause, you know, I was a handsome , fresh faced young man. Surely a drunk gay dude would have me?! I mean, he tried to fuck the full spectrum of my male friends to no avail and never even bothered with me. I mean, I appreciated it but I did always find myself thinking “Man, if I can’t get hit on by a drunk gay dude, what chance do I have with girls??” One time, I asked him why and he said “Cause you’re obviously not gay. You friends are all half a fag as far as I’m concerned”. Well…ok. Peace to that dude though. He was hilarious.

do you have any kind of neuroses, we should know about? (e.g. arachnophobia, acrophobia or washing your hands thirty times a day)
what is your attitude towards life in general, do you think you are a more positive or negative person?

Hmm…I feel like I’m slightly O.C.D. but nothing that anyone would ever notice without knowing me VERY VERY well. Though, partially, I think that comes from me not having a normal job and trying to create a schedule for myself. Like I have a definite set pattern of how I like to do things from when I wake up to when I eat my lunch that, if disrupted, annoys the shit out of me. But, I don’t know if I’d call that a “neuroses” though.
As for my attitude towards life, I’d like to think I’m extremely rational and never too high or too low. In fact, I’ve been called a robot , in that sense, by many people. I simply don’t get too angry or too happy about anything. I’d call that being even keeled , another may call it being “emotionally dead inside”. Apples and oranges.
I’m definitively not an optimist but I also don’t sit around thinking of all the bad things that could happen. I more just expect mediocracy at all times. That way, I’m never to disappointed when things go poorly but I get a pleasant surprise every now and then when things go well. I’d say it’s this mind set that has kept me in the field I’ve been in for as long as I’ve been in it. Side note to budding artists of all types: Prepare for constant disappointment. If you can’t handle that shit,
this is not the business for you.

How do you feel about The Birdman being on the heat? It seems like people that go by “The Birdman” just flock to that team.
First off, NEVER FORGET:

I fucking love the Birdman so it was kind of a bummer to see him join the Heat. But, at the same time, I can’t really fault the guy for going to where he’s gonna win a title. He’s played in the league long enough and been through enough shit that he can do that. In a way, considering how money driven everyone is now, there’s part of me that kinda likes when players take pay cuts to play with a team. Granted, it’s flagrantly hunting down championship rings. All that said, the Knicks could really use that motherfucker right now…

you are chosen to equip an unmanned spacecraft, that will be sent out to inform extraterrestrials about life on earth. which three objects would you choose
to describe mankind? which song would you choose?

First off, the song would have to be the theme from “Close encounters”, right?

Simply cause that would be hilarious to actually do. And I’m not about to be the asshole that picks some shit like “Thriller” or “Let’s get it started in here” to greet a bunch of aliens who probably makes music with crazy tubed instruments that are seemingly always wet (that’s just how I imagine alien instruments)
As for the three object, that’s tough. If we’re trying to teach them about life on earth as it is now, I guess you’d send them an I-pad, a 32 oz. soft drink and a gun. That about covers it.

Have you ever been stuck in a shitty situation that you felt there was no way out of? Like after going through your options you came to the conclusion that it was just your lot in life to be miserable indefinitely?

I’ve been on the verge of those situations but I can’t say I’ve ever been in one. To be honest, most of the ones I’ve been in have been related to dealing with girls so, in actuality, they weren’t that big a deal. So, it sounds to me like you’re fucked…but I can say that , 99% of the time, there is a way out of the shit. I think once you accept you gotta crawl through some shit to get out of it, doors will open up. Unless you’re in jail for life, you’ve always got options.

Yo Block, if you had small children of your own that were acting up in a public place like a restaurant or grocery store, how would you discipline them?

Obviously , I’d beat them death right there on the spot. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Nah, I have no idea. I don’t have kids and have never taken care of other peoples kids in my life. I could spew all sorts of ideals of how I’d discipline my children to you but, like i said, I have no idea what I’d do. I’m a fairly passive guy who doesn’t get mad easily but I also have a short fuse for annoyance when it comes to people acting like assholes in public. So, I could imagine my plan of attack would be to simply remove us all from the equation. I don’t mean a group suicide. I mean, literally, get out. My kids are acting up in a restaurant? Pay the bill and bounce. Anything to just lessen the burden on the people around me. Once we’d be out of that situation, then I suppose it would be time to discipline them. But, like I said, this is all theoretical. I have no idea what I’d actually do. Also, kids are the worst.

I was wondering what your opinion on the TV Show ‘Girls’ is? Is it a
programme about self entitled 20 somethings? Or do you think Lena
Dunham is on to something?

I sit somewhere in the middle. I watch it and find it entertaining. I also find it pretty heavily flawed. I actually think this second season was a bit of a regression cause Dunham seemed to be so focused on herself that lots of the better characters fell to the side.
One of the common criticisms of the show is “but I hate all the characters”. To me, that’s why it’s good. These are excellently portrayed entitled , self involved girls in their early 20’s. They’re unlikable cause, in reality, the girls they’re representing suck. So, in that sense, I give Dunham major props for nailing that demographic.
The other major criticism is that Dunham needs to put some clothes on. Again, in the first season, she made her point. I got it. We all got it. This season she seemed hell bent on just grossing people out. Every outfit she chose seemed more and more baffling. Like any insecure girl of her size would EVER wear an entire wardrobe that makes her look like a a wet grocery bag filled with marbles. It was just over the top, in my opinion. I get why she did it/does it but there isn’t a person who watched that show that didn’t turn away from the camera multiple times during each episode cause she felt it necessary to show her already hamburgler like physique in it’s most unflattering form. I respect her want to challenge social norms and all but , this season, she seemed obsessed with it.
i think the show has many good things about it and could be great if she could just find a way to not bring her ego and agendas into it. She’s a talented writer. I imagine she’ll grow up a little with every coming season and that can only be a good thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 21

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Back once again…Fucking, marrying and killing like it’s my job. My hypothetical job.
This week is a little of this and little of that. If you’ve got any fresh ideas for F/M/K, please leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new angles to take on this. Don’t be offended if I don’t use your submission cause, well, I’ve been doing this for a while now and a lot of bases have been covered. But it never hurts to try…
Anyway, here we go….

F/M/K: Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, June Carter Cash.

Marry: June Carter Cash
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This wasn’t an easy choice. I feel like all these old timey redneck women might actually make great wives in a way. They were all pretty in their day and they all , most likely, dealt with crazy men who they, beyond all reason, stood by. I’d say June Carter wins that contest as she was married to Johnny Cash’s crazy, drugged up ass and still came out the other end. That type of loyalty is rare so I’d go with her.

Fuck:Dolly Parton
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Little know fact about Dolly Parton: She has a face.
Not only that but her face is actually very cute. I remember when I had that realization. A friend of mine was dating this hot girl and I noticed she looked like Dolly Parton in the face and it all clicked “Dolly Parton was more than just enormous tits”. This was a tough pick cause she would easily be a candidate for marriage but she ended up here cause…well…she’s the one with all the sex appeal. Did I mention she has humungous tits? Cause she has those too…
Also, she’s like 80 now and still looks great. That’s pretty impressive.

Kill: Loretta Lynn
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I don’t know much about Loretta lynn except she was a coal miners daughter. At least that what the movie they made about her was called. So, call me short sighted but I can’t help but imagine her having black lung and vagina full of soot. That’s enough for her to land in this unfortunate column. I’m sure she was a lovely woman…or not. Who knows? Most musicians are fucking assholes. Also, she kinda looks like she’d be a waitress at a Cracker barrel. Either way. She dead.

F/M/K:Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “Set It Off” edition:Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox ,Kimberly Elise

Kill: Jada Pinkett (this was before the smith)
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Listen, I’m not trying to fuck anyone who doesn’t wanna be there. She clearly would rather have Queen Latifah playing this game than me and I can accept that. Sure, we could marry and i could be her beard but where does that leave me? Beyond all that, while she’s an attractive woman, she’s one of those thin lipped , wax skinned looking women who exudes a certain roughness that I don’t find particularly boner inducing. To be frank, she doesn’t exactly, “set it off” in my pants. so Murder was the case that they gave me.

Fuck: Kimberly Elise
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I had forgotten all about this girl but was grateful that, whoever submitted this F/M/K, excluded Queen Latifah. Looking back through google and being reminded of who Kimberly Elise is, i can say that…well…she’s a pretty yet goofy faced kinda lady. Like if Garcelle Beauvais has a lame little sister. That said, Elise does have a certain sex appeal. Mainly, she got body. I’ve certainly done far worse in real life so this wouldn’t be that big a deal. Sometimes, the math is as simple as that.

Marry: Vivica Fox
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Since we’re talking about them when they were in their prime, few ladies from that era are fucking with Vivica Fox. Holy shit, did I love her back then. She had cute, sexy and crazy all wrapped into a tight little package. I recognize she now looks like a plastic monster but all these submissions are being judged from when they were in their prime. Currently, she’s pretty horrifying. But this isn’t now. This is then. While the possible mental instability might be an issue, sometimes you gotta look at marriage as a roller coaster ride, as opposed to a walk on the beach. The lows with be low…but the highs will be high. Okay, full disclosure, I don’t believe a word of what i just wrote about marriage but , of these three, I’m slamming a ring on Fox’s finger with the quickness and riding her till the wheels fall off…which they most certainly would.

F/M/K/:X-men (women) edition. Rogue, Storm, and Mistique.

Marry: Mystique
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Quite possibly the easiest choice I’ve ever had to make.
Now, what are peoples (men and women a like) biggest gripe about being with someone for the rest of their lives? That they don’t get to fuck other people ever again. The best part about being single is the variety. With Mistique, that would never be a problem. In fact, you could fuck a new person…literally ANYONE, every night. She could be Megan Fox one night, then flip into Michelle williams (if that what you’re in the mood for) then , ZAP, she’s Topenga from Boy meets world the next day. I’d imagine, with this kinda power shit would get weird quick and she’d be morphing into super obscure girls from fast food commercials or car advertisements. But hey, as long as she’s game and doesn’t turn back into that blue thing mid-coitus, it would be all good. Never a dull moment when you’re married to Mystique.

Fuck: Storm
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I feel like fucking storm would be best cause if you were to get too involved with her she might start throwing tornados at your penis. On top of that, I’m sure the one off bone sesh would be pretty memorable. You ever made love in the rain? Well, times that by a million.

Kill:Rogue
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It’s gotta be her. She can’t even kiss a dude without making his brain explode. I don’t even wanna imagine what her head game is like. The only person she could ever even date successfully would be one of those guys that only gets off on watching. That kinda creep would flourish under her unbridled love but otherwise? She’s leaving a trail of dead bodies cause , by hooking up with her, you’re basically sticking your dick on a super powered bug zapper.

F/M/K,Your own blog edition: Answers for Questions, Demo Reviews ,Fuck, Marry, Kill

Marry: Answers for questions
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Always reliable. Always easy. Every monday, I wake up and my week starts the same way. With a long piss. But after that, I sit down and write this column. When you’re like me and your schedule isn’t really a schedule, it’s nice to have something that you can rely on. To me, writing this blog is a big part of that. And “Answers for questions” Sets the tone every week. I’m not saying it’s a home run every week but, hey, neither is being in a long term committed relationship. But, at the end of the day, it’s there for me every week and never that much of a hassle.

Fuck: Fuck, Marry , Kill
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While writing this column is the most fun of the three, it’s also kinda time consuming. The prospect of finding the pictures alone makes me not wanna deal with it some weeks. (side note: how lazy am I that the idea of having to google stuff is tiring to me?). So, for that reason , F/M/K makes perfect sense to F. It’s a lot of fun but not something I need to revisit that often. Also, admittedly, it’s pretty well worn territory. I certainly didn’t come up with the idea and I’m not really bringing much extra to the table by doing it. The humor is in the rationalizing of such a ridiculous topic. But still, I could be happy with a one and done of F/M/K.

Kill: Demo Reviews
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Easy. Let me tell you something about my “demo reviews”. There’s a common misconception that I do it cause I desire to hear whats out there. Like i’m doing a good deed or something. This is 100% wrong. I do demo reviews as a means to control the never ending flood of “Hey, can you listen to my demo??!?!?” that is my social media existence. Prior to doing “Demo Reviews” I’d have random people hitting me up , asking me to check their shit. In my entire life, I had never heard an even decent demo. So, i wasn’t exactly drawn to respond. Then, I had the idea that I could take that and somehow whip it into content for my blog. That’s all it is. I don’t want to listen to your demos. I truly don’t. But, it makes good blog content. After a year of doing it or so, I’ve come around to it and have actually heard some pretty good stuff (RARELY) but , still, not a week goes by when I don’t sit down to write it and wish I had never opened that can of worms. KILL KILL KILL

Yay or Nay: The Niyat

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This weeks “Yay or Nay” comes from a reader submission. Special shout out to Kasey Kharma for that. Now, don’t get excited and start sending me links to you or your boys shitty youtube videos (that’s what demo reviews are for). This is a one time thing and this column is normally reserved for shit I pick out.
I was fully ready to peep one video and roll my eyes at this but, hey, it turns but this is pretty good. They’re a 4 man group from Houston and have worked with everyone from Bushwick Bill to FLying Lotus. From what I can gather , they do solo songs and do group cuts/ Kinda like on some Wu-tang shit.
Anyway, here’s some music from them. Lemme know what you think…



Demo Reviews Vol. 20

First Demo Tape (Front)
It’s that time once again for me to review demo’s sent in by you, the readers. I’m feeling under the weather and kinda cranky so, just be warned. But, you know what? A lot of these demo’s would be pretty bad if I felt great so , no excuses. After all, you were all warned as to my reviewing style. We’re in this together.
Anyway, PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE DEMOS. I got enough to last me for a while and I won’t be accepting submissions.
Oh, and to the dude I met in Switzerland who handed me a demo to review, I’m afraid the cd got cracked in my bag. If you got a link, send it over. Sorry about that.
So, each review is basically a paragraph of my thoughts then a number rating from 1-10 in the categories.
Production:

Vocals:

Listenability:

Originality:

If you feel slighted by a 5 out of 10, realize that, in my eyes, anything over a 5 means it’s not terrible. No one has ever gotten an 8. So, take it all with a grain of salt.
So, let’s get into it. May buddah have mercy on your soul.

Artist: Both Bowers
Song: New mind


There’s something very “Group Home” about this. Not in the production but in the rhyming. It’s just very…simplistic.

is this off the dome of something? It’s possible the most rudimentary rapper I’ve ever gotten to review. That’s not a good thing. It’s too bad cause his voice is actually decent. He just sounds like someone who JUST started rapping. The beat is very middle of the road. A good rapper would make it passable but not this dude.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
3 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Astroknot 7
Song:Icing


Oh cool…a beat that never changes and sounds about 1/5th finished. I see that the person is very happy with their sample chopping but I’mma need a LOT more than just that and some drums. A bassline would be a nice start. But even beyond the lack of other parts, the main chop is fairly grating to begin with.
Production:
2.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
3 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Resident Alien
Song: The Satan


I’m not sure what genre this qualifies for. Whatever it is, I’m not into it. It’s got an intense male on male rape vibe to it. Like this could be the soundtrack to a jail with all the lights off. Again, not really in my wheelhouse so don’t be mad. I simply don’t listen to shit like that.
Production:
3.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a (unless the talking counts as vocals, which i don’t think it should)
Listenability:
2.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Truth Clipsy x Caveman the wise
Song: Birthday cake


All this guy wants for his birthday is a big booty hoe. CAN ANYONE GET HIM ONE?!?!!?!
This beat is pretty good. A nice airy vibe to it. The rapping is okay. The singing doesn’t bother me. All that together and you got a decent demo. Compared to the other demo’s thus far, this like hearing De la soul for first time.
Production:
5.5 out of 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Splatter
song: Melt


Some thugged out Enya shit going on here. It takes some cool turns and is very mellow.
Feels like it made in the rain. Like , literally the dude had an umbrella over his computer. The vibe is that strong. Could use a few more changes to stand alone as a song but it’s pretty good all together.
Production:
5.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Broken Rope
song: Comb the blades out

https://soundcloud.com/brycebeverlinii/comb-the-blades-out
This is the alternate side of “White voice”. He’s got one but not a bad one. It’s not whiney or nasal. It’s the type of voice that , if he learned how to use it right , it could be pretty good. The thing is, the guy can flow decently but , for some reason, it just kinda sounds like a spoken work poetry. Also, the singing…nah bro. Chill with that.
The beat is kinda just there. Seems like an afterthought.
Production:
3 out 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Paraphrase
Song: Prozac Disconnect


People need to embrace that rapping in affected voices (in this case like they’re in Funkdoobiest) will never have staying power.

These guys can kinda flow. I feel like a lot of the flow has to do with how they’re using their voices. I even think there are some good lyrics in here but the flow is so cartoonish they get lost. So, my advice? Rap in whatever voice you talk in. Even if you got a serious case of White Voice, at least you don’t sound like a mediocre rapper from 97. Don’t hide behind an “accent”.
The beat is lame except for that vocal sample. I like that part.
Production:
3.5 out of 10
Vocals:
4 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Blunts over Everything
Song: Rude Boy


This is scum bag music. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I get the feeling these dudes are bout whatever low life life they’re rapping about. I’m not mad at this. Can’t say I’d wanna peep it again but I also just woke up and have a headache. This is one of those songs that teeters the line between some hard crunkish shit and something a juggalo might make.
The beat is fine. The played out drum break works but the star of it are the little pianos.
Production:
4.5 out of 10
Vocals:
5 out of 10
Listenability:
5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Power bottom Benjiman butthole button barf fart ect…
Song:unprofessional wrestling


It would appear someone spent more time coming up with a name than focusing on the actual music part. This isn’t terrible. It just kinda is. It sounds like video game music, but during a scene when the hero finds the princess.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Sanguivorus
Song:Clongono


If you’re gonna make a song based entirely off drums (at least until the 1:30 mark) I would hope the drums sounds would be a little better. These are stock sounds mixed weirdly. The the drops finally happens, it’s pretty underwhelming. This simply isn’t very interesting.
Production:
3 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
3 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

So that do you think?

Peep “Capture the sun” streaming right now!

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The good people at MTV Hive did a little interview with Illogic and I and are now streaming the entire “capture the sun” album. Peep it!
http://www.mtvhive.com/2013/04/09/illogic-blockhead-capture-the-sun-stream/

Here’s a link for the pre-order:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/capture-the-sun/id633769116

Answers for questions vol. 130

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What up. I’m still recovering from a two day hangover after playing a fun show in Denver this weekend. Special shout out to all those who came out.
But, now I’m back in NYC. Laying in bed typing this like it’s my job. Bout’ that work, yall!
Anyway, if you have any questions you’d like me to answer, about anything, send them my way. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Both those methods have been proven to be successful.
Okay, let’s jump into this weeks bag of crap…

So, you were “recruited” by an intelligence agency to go on 2 time journeys to the past, and your mission was to kill 2 historical figures when they were still infants. You could go as far back in time as 10.000 years.

Who would you choose?

Man, if I’m the guy they pick for that job they must really be at a loss. I’m the type who would be so jet lagged by time travel I’d end up needing like two weeks to just get in the right state of mind to even begin to be ready to kill an evil infant.
#1…Well, hitler seems like the obvious choice. Aside from getting a nice trip to Austria out of it, I’d save the world from his utterly mediocre art, as well as him killing all those jews.
#2 would be Jesus. Not because I would want to kill jesus but I would like to see how years and years of bible retellings and interpretations would explain a baseball hat and sneaker clad man from the future came and killed a baby. Honestly, just to see how the bible would describe a baseball hat alone would be amazing. I’m sure their explanations would make it all worth it in hilarity.

oy block, whats the status quo on sampling in the music business nowadays, or for you in particular? i get that to some degree you might wanna keep some of that on the hush but do you generally pull from old obscure records or from your friends work or do you warp copyrighted stuff til one cant tell what it was or just whatever youre feelin that day? what influence has the internet had on your sampling diet?
and how the hell did you get the insomniac olympics sample to sound the way it does? the lady singin crazy vowels out some hole in her head?

It’s kinda on some don’t ask don’t tell shit for me. I’ve given up sampling dollar bins records cause they’re all either too famous (at least in the sense that it’s major label music that never got popular) or the crates have been ravaged to the point where there’s not much left. So, Nowadays, I just look online at a handfull of rare music blogs and download those albums. Not only are they free (it’s not like the artists were seeing any money from some asshole record collector selling the same records for hundreds of dollars) but they’re the kinda stuff that can slip under the radar. It also doesn’t hurt that I’m not very famous. I don’t sell enough records for people to come looking for me. The only time it’s an issue (in general) is when a song gets in a commercial or tv show. Then the level of scrutiny can rise. In those cases, things either need to be cleared or replayed by live instruments.
as for the insomniac olympics vocal sample, it’s simply sped up with a heavy guitar amp effect on it.

I get asked about twice a week as to the origin of that sample and I have 100% no idea. i made that beat in the 90’s. I wasn’t paying attention to records back then.

Hey Blockhead, I just read this:
http://potholesinmyblog.com/the-trouble-with-macklemore/

If you don’t want to read it, the article questions whether Macklemore is bad for hip hop and is a dilution or deviation from the genre’s roots. While my initial reaction is to agree, I also don’t see the difference between him and, say, Atmosphere or Doomtree. I’ve listened to Atmosphere in the past; I have never really felt Doomtree. I get that they’re talented, but they’ve just never really done it for me. Macklemore seems kind of similar–he’s a decent rapper in terms of technical skill, and he’s been grinding for a long time, but I just don’t feel the overall vibe.

So, my questions are:

Is Macklemore worse for hip hop than any other white rap act (I know Doomtree has some non-white members), or has he simply gained more attention due to his recent success?

If El-P or Aesop Rock–two rappers whose overall artistry is undeniable, in my opinion–achieved the same level of commercial success, do you think they’d be criticized the same way, or does their music pay homage to hip hop’s roots in some way that Macklemore’s does not?

What is the difference between watering down hip hop and respecting the genre, as a white participant?

Lemme just preface this with this:
First off, by all accounts of people I know, I’ve heard Macklemore is a good dude. That’s one thing. I’ve never met him, I honestly have heard maybe three songs he’s ever done and it wasn’t the kinda shit I like so I didn’t look any further into it. Clearly, I’m not his target audience as , not only do i own a penis, but I’m also an old person.
Now, to answer your questions…
1) He’s just another white rapper to me. No better, no worse. There are literally hundreds of rappers just like him out there. That said, He’s certainly more of an artist than Mac Miller. Still, he’s not bringing anything new to the table other than being a name that people are checking out. Slug has BEEN doing that style better for over a decade. I respect his grind though and he has been doing this since the days of fast rapping.

He’s in a position now where people will listen to him. I appreciate that he’s taking advantage of that and trying to make songs about real issues (other than hitting the thrift store). So, no, he’s not worse for hip hop. He’s just another white dude rapping in a world full of white dudes rapping. Sand to the beach, bro, sand to the beach.

2)Neither of them would ever have the success Macklemore has had because neither of them would ever make a song like Thrift Store. That’s not a diss. It’s simply not in their repertoire. Had Macklemore not made that song, he’d still be a very popular underground rapper. Now he’s a super star. Part of the reason he gets shit from people is for that very fact. He was an underground rapper who made a catchy song that blew up. While Aes and El could possibly make a catchy song that might reach outside their hardcore fan bases, they’re both waaaaaay too abstract for that song to ever reach a “Thrift store” level of notoriety. For that reason alone they’d never be under the same kind of scrutiny that Macklemore is/has been. They’re simply a different breed of artist.

3)I’d like to think we’re past the point of thinking about this in a “white/black” kinda way. It’s not like there aren’t artists of all races that don’t make shitty hip hop music. A white rapper making a jokey, silly song that people in cubicles like is far less offensive to me than that same white rapper doing a corny song about the four elements. That shit is beyond played out. We’re past that. At this point, people just gotta put their heads down and make the music they make. Most of the kids making music today are so far removed from an era where “respecting the genre” was even a thing that it’s a non-issue. The only people who still REALLY care about that shit are the boom bap dinosaurs who can’t keep up with the times. I’m not gonna front like I don’t get a little mad when i hear a new Black Eyed peas song but, at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they want to do. If you’re consciously worried about “watering down the culture” while making music, you probably shouldn’t be making the music in the first place.

If you had the opportunity to become the new host for a reboot of any of these formerly popular TV shows, which one would you choose?

1.) The Man Show
2.) The Jerry Springer Show
3.) Fear Factor

I think all three of these shows had cool things about them.
I never watched much fear factor but, when it’s on, I’ll peep it cause it’s usually very entertaining.
Springer is a classic but it’s gotten out of hand. It also has to compete with Maury , which is way better cause he figured out a show of maternity cases will always be better than fake redneck love triangles.
The man show could have been awesome but it fell too deeply into the mind of adam Corrola. Funny guy but also incredibly annoying. Jimmy Kimmel, to me, is way funnier and has proven that his ideas have more longevity than any bit corrola might come up with about fixing cars or whatever. The second run of it was a different show but it feels like they weren’t allowed to spread their wings and do what they wanted to do.

Of the three, I think , if done right, Jerry Springer would be the one you could improve on the best and the quickest. Simply by going back to the roots of the show and finding ridiculous people who do ridiculous things. The catch would be it all has to be real. That show took a hit when it started becoming redneck dinner theater. Sure, real stories may result in less fist fights but it would be way more compelling, in my opinion.

Have you ever had anyone tell you that you dont make actual music because you “steal” music from other artists and put it together to claim it as your own? If so, what do you say to them, and if not, what would you say to them if anyone ever told you that?

I’m the first person to admit i don’t really feel like a musician. I make music but not in a traditional way No one’s ever said that to me directly (though it’s certainly been alluded to) but I’m not gonna blow smoke up someones ass like I’m fucking Beethoven when that’s simply not the case. I sample. Not everything is a sample but most of it is. I’m fully aware of this. If i couldn’t sample, my music would take a serious hit. That’s a fact.
If someone said that to me I’d probably halfway agree but add in that the final product of what I make is never anything like the source material. Also, that doing what i do is not as easy as it seems. Especially to a person who has no reference points to the kind of music I make. But, when it comes down to it, I can’t play any instruments or read sheet music so , you know, I can understand how a musician might be bothered by that. At the same time, it’s 2013 so they should really be used to this shit by now.

I used to work at a restaurant called the Old Spaghetti Factory. We served shitty pasta and all kinds of bland shit, thus white people loved us. Over my tenure I noticed a disgusting/weird trend (or what I thought was gross). White people would very often order a glass of milk to go along with their Spaghetti, Chicken Parm, Fetuccini Alfredo etc…This is nauseating as fuck to me. What are your thoughts on this? Are there any other weird culinary pairings you partake in?

That’s disgusting. I can’t say I’m familiar with the practice of drinking a glass of milk with dinner but I’m also not a cornfed savage. To me, that kinda thing sounds extremely middle american to me. I could be wrong but I don’t know anyone who has even drank a glass of milk since grade school. All the pussies i know are probably lactose intolerant anyway.
As for weird(white) culinary pairings I partake in…I guess the only one I can think of is that I love Mayo. I know it’s not a strange thing to like but there are a large group of people out there who (wrongly) think mayo is revolting. One of my favorite things to eat back in the day was: take a breaded chicken cutlet, slap some provolone on there, place that between any type of bread and slather it with mayo THEN microwave it. Now, everyone on earth has told me microwaving mayo is a terrible idea but if you do it for like 45 seconds (until the cheese melts) it’s harmless. I know this cause i’ve done it a billion times and the result has always been a joyous snack. Also, if you eat it quick enough, the microwaved bread doesn’t get rubbery. In fact, it’s down right fluffy and soft for a minute or two.

Notes from the road: Euro edition

european vacation
So, Last week I did a bunch of shows in europe. As an ignorant american, these trips are always an experience for me. I’m a man of convenience and regiment so going out of the country to mystical far off lands definitely removes me from my comfort zone. While , in the overall scheme of things, this is a positive thing for my life, it’s still fun to keep tabs of my fish out of water experiences. So, this is that. Keep in mind, I’m openly not cultured. I mean, I’m cultured in the sense I grew up in NYC and have seen a lot of shit all over the world but I don’t know anything about anything. College drop out like Whoa. So, take all i say here with a grain of salt and understand it’s coming from a good place…well…at least an honest place.

Teen tours
My trip began with a flight to Germany. These long flights are what they are but you know what kicks them up a notch? being on an 8 hour flight with 50 midwestern teenagers. Holy shit. After this ride, I felt an urge to make an earnest plea to all people my age with no kids to continue to not have kids. Teenagers are the fucking worst. I had on headphones the entire time but it still didn’t stop me from overhearing multiple conversation that would make a fertile man forcefully remove his own testicles. What i did find interesting was to admire the high school caste system at work. The dorks, the jocks, the pretty girls, the art people. That kinda shit is fascinating. If i was a slightly more driven person I’d maybe look into studying that kinda thing but, then again, it means I’d have to be around a bunch of teenagers all the time and fuck all that noise.

German street names
Honestly, a german person telling me a street name might as well be telling me to read japanese. What’s with all the letters? Why does every street in berlin have to be a 2000 point scrabble word waiting to happen? There are only so many “Miester”, “hufffflughen” and “flurgan” suffixed names one can commit to memory. Walking around a German town , i felt very much how native american settlers must have felt in the sense that my whole way of getting around was based on sight. The same way I’d imagine an indian remembering a certain bush or tree as a marker, I was like that with bakeries and Kabab stands.

Euro people know their history
I don’t know shit about history. I took it in high school and immediately forgot about it once the test was taken. It’s clear that, in the US, knowing our history is not a top priority in education. Whether this is simply national apathy or cause our history is so , in actuality, fucked up that they don’t wan’t us to know how all this really came to be, remains to be seen.
In europe though? These people know their shit. not only that, but they talk about it…all the fucking time. Like , at bars. People get drunk and discuss history. Really makes me feel like a half wit when i consider what topics i cover with friends on any given night out. Best believe world war 1 is not on the menu.
I was in Vienna for 3 days and a common point of discussion was “Nobody here like to talk about our past cause there is so much shame about the nazis” but then that’s all we talked about. Being the ignorant person I am, I barely even connected Vienna with Nazi history outside of Hitler being Austrian but, boy did I get my learn on. Then…I forgot it all…cause I’m american and that’s what we do.

Tipping
Everyone knows that , in europe, tipping is minor. 2 euro’s at most for anything. This could be for a 200 euro meal or a drink at a bar. It’s kinda nice actually cause figuring out a tip in the states can be tiresome and it always drains your wallet. That said, that whole thing where europeans come to the states and “don’t know” how to tip is bullshit. I got to europe, I knew the customs were different. But instead of just tipping like an american, I asked people…cause that’s what you do when you’re in a place where you don’t know things. So, if you’re a european and you think that it’s okay to come here and tip 2 bucks on a $100 meal, you’re a piece of shit. Just accept that.

Limp Handshakes
Do children in europe (specifically in places like Germany, Austria and Switzerland) not get taught about firm handshakes? It’s bizarre. On multiple occasions, I’d reach out to shake a dudes hand and feel like someone places a dead fish in my palm. A grip so weak it compels me to squeeze harder. The strange thing is that the girls actually give firmer handshakes then the men. Which leads me to…

Things I heard about men from Vienna
I was talking to this girl from the US who had lived in Vienna for 5 years. She was complaining about single life in austria and how hard it is to find a dude there that isn’t…well..a total pussy. This is fine and all as I’m no stranger to bitter women who can’t find a decent guy. That’s a world wide trend. But she started dropping bombs on Viennese men in particular. The best one of all? Dudes from Vienna sit down to pee. Now, this could obviously be bullshit or simply a slight generalization. But her claim was that the men there are raised by particularly feminist minded mothers. Mothers who teach them “No, you sit down when you pee. Just like me”. While i get that being a taught practice, the fact it continues into adulthood for these guys is both hilarious and wildly depressing. Take a stand guys! literally. Your dicks like a hose for reason. Just remember to put the seat up.

Romanian Airplane food
just a heads up, if you’re on a place , flying to romania, you might wanna eat before hand. Halfway through the flight I was handed a foil plate of old ass cheese, unknown meat products and wilted vegetables as my “lunch”. They also had a “cake”. A “cake” that they somehow managed to fuck up. How do you fuck up cake? It was a simple chocolate cake with frosting but it tasted more like dog food that had been run through a homeless mans lower intestine.

My preconceived notions of who likes and dislikes each other is way off
My girlfriend is Serbian/Bosnian so I’m more aware of the weird beefs between former Yugoslavian countries than I should be. Because of this, when I was in Slovenia, I kinda assumed that even saying the word “serbia” might be a bad move. Well, turns out no one gives a shit. At least no one I spoke to. That kinda surprised me cause , earlier in the week, I had seen news updates about a pending soccer game between Croatia and Serbia that was a riot waiting to happen. They apparently had like 1,500 extra security guards there to keep the peace. Granted, I was nowhere near either of those places but i kinda assumed the other countries might take sides. I mean, if the yankees and red sox can’t get along, imagine how bad a place where legit conflict took place would be But, as far as I could tell, not a fuck is given either way in Slovenia. So, that’s nice.

Europeans who don’t speak fluent english are blunt.
It’s kinda great. The amount of conversations I had with people who were huge fans of mine but still found a way to tell me which of my albums sucked was incredible. I know they don’t mean anything bad by it and I’m never offended but it’s always hilarious. I suppose tact is something you pick up after years and years of perfecting a language. It’s was a constant barrage of well intentioned shots fired for me to endure. But, like I said, i actually kinda like that it’s like that.

Romanian women are surprising
So, I’ve been all over the Us and Europe. I’ve seen most major cities. I’ve been in model filled bars in NYC and clubs in Miami full of nothing but 9’s and 10’s.Montreal, Paris, L.a. ect…However, NO PLACE i’ve ever been had a higher percentage of beautiful women than my show in Cluj, Romania. This blew my mind for many reasons Firstly, I had no idea Romanian women had it like that. For some reason i was imagining uni-browed , middle aged looking house cleaning types with faces littered with hairy moles. No clue where that stereotype came from but , hey, it was there. Secondly, this was at my show. A weird, underground, niche instrumental hip hop artist. If that’s what my show was like, I can’t even fathom what a place where actual hot people go to would be like. Like, what’s the most exclusive high end club in Cluj looking like? I’d imagine It’s enough to make a dude consider just throwing his life away and moving to Romania for a year. The craziest thing about it was the variety. You had the expected beautiful eastern european girls with dark hair, you had hot ass blonde girls and then, outta nowhere you had some Lisa Bonet looking ladies who turned out to be part gypsy. Just fantastic.So, to all single men out there, you might wanna plan a trip. Just saying. I’d say the only downside of it all would be if you’re one of those creeps who only dates asian women. If that’s your bag then you might just wanna avoid most of Eastern Europe all together (russia got some asians though…). Also, you’re a loser creep.

Swiss people with their power outlets and money
For some reason, I forgot that Switzerland not only didn’t use the euro (Swiss francs) but they also have their own plugs for power outlets. This may not seem like a big deal but , considering EVERY other country in europe (aside from the UK) works with the same outlets, it’s mildly infuriating. Like i said earlier, I know nothing about history and I’m sure there is some sort of valid explanation but what gives, Switzerland? You too good for for regular european power outlets? Your power grid is soooooo fucking special you need to complicate things for every person that comes to your country? I mean, the whole “Not using the euro” thing is annoying considering your location but , at least, you’re not the only european country on that “I got my own type of currency” shit. But power outlets? Now you’re just being a dick.

Fuckin’ up the wake up call
This really has nothing to do with europe in particular. It’s a trend I’ve noticed with hotels who offer wake up calls (though it’s happened to me in europe more often). It’s that thing where they don’t give you a fucking wake up call that you asked for. My last night there, I had just done a show in Wil, Switzerland (I haven’t heard of it either , bro). I had to catch a train to Zurich to catch my plane. Basically, i had to be up a 6:45 AM after getting back from the venue at 3. I’m a terrible sleeper and , when it comes to having to wake up for things like this, I tend to opt for the allnighter simply because trying to fall asleep for an hour gives me anxiety. So, I told them to give me the wake up call the prior day. I shut my eyes for a second but never fully fell asleep. 6:45 rolls around and I’m awake. No call. 7 am. No call. I bounce five minutes after that but…jesus…if I had not pulled the allnighter I woulda missed my flight back to the states. They would have truly fucked my shit up. The crazy thing is that’s the third time this has happened to me and each time I eked it out cause I was too nervous to sleep over the possibility of missing a flight. So, my advice to all of you who ever plan on relying on hotel wake up calls…Don’t. Especially in Europe. Placing an order for a wake up call in europe is like asking a waiter to make sure your french fires are “Extra crispy”. He hears you but he’s not listening.

So, yeah, those are all my worthless musings on this trip. All these things aside, I had a great time and shows were awesome. Especially the Eastern Europe dates. I continue to sleep on these places and they continue to blow me away with support and just genuinely good people. So, yeah…hopefully I’ll be out there again real soon. Till then, stand up when you pee. Always.

Yay or Nay: Shirt.

t-shirt-rapper
Apparently this dudes been around for a little while but he’s new to me. To be honest I haven’t had much time to fully digest his music cause I literally heard him for the first time yesterday but my attention was grabbed. He’s a NYC rapper with a style that seems brutally honest. I’ve always been drawn to rappers who , even though they may be somewhat scum baggish, they’re seemingly speaking what they believe to be truths. As opposed to most rappers either just rapping to be rapping or blindly bragging about things well out of their grasp. Shirt (formerly known as T-shirt) has the “Tell it like it is” shit down. His new video has raised a lot of eyebrows both for the song and content of the video which is a little NSFW. Apparently it a mixture of pics he’s taken and found over the last 6 months of his life that are meant to show you what kinda shit he’s been on. Well, I like it…

AUTOMATIC – SHIRT. from shirt on Vimeo.

Here’s a link to his bandcamp page where you can download an album from him for free:
http://tshirt.bandcamp.com/album/the-fuck

So, what do you think of him?

Emily Ratajkowski will ruin my life

tumblr_mjzffy8hC71qc9aq9o1_250
So, if you read this blog on the regular you may recall that yesterdays entry of “Tim and I discuss music and stuff” and this one are basically about the same thing. Emily Ratajkowski. Well, fuck me cause I’m in love. Not since when my young puberty glazed eyes laid themselves on Bobbi Brown in the Warrant video for “Cherry Pie” have I been so inspired by the art of moving picture.

Sure, looking at it now , Bobbi Brown is your quintessential early 90’s blonde slut type that you’d see in any mall of america. But back then? Gaskets were blown. Doors were closed. tissues were used.
Flash forward to earlier this week and someone emails me this video. (NSFW!!!)
http://www.vevo.com/watch/robin-thicke/blurred-lines-unrated-version/USUV71300526?source=instantsearch
Seeing that it was Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell is was kinda confused as to why anyone would send this to me. I mean, Pharrell is great and T.I. has certainly had some moments but, in general, Thicke has always been somewhat of a whiggerish clown from canada with a really bad fake sensual thug accent. So, i watched the video…and I take it all back. I mean, i still think he’s sorta that dude but now I respect him so, so, so much more.
If you have not seen this video or are at work and cannot watch it (It’s VERY NSFW) , allow me to explain it in depth. It’s Thicke, Pharrell and T.I. standing around while three insanely beautiful women walk around topless. That’s it. I’m sure who ever wrote the treatment for the video had way more details to it but that’s really all it is. Simple. Effective. Perfect.
“But, Tony (or Blockhead),” you may be asking “You are clearly a man whose watched his fair share of porn and seen endless amount of naked women in your lifetime. What makes this at all special?”
Well, one thing makes it special. And her name is Emily Ratajkowski. She the brunette (obviously) She is, by all accounts and research done by me, the hottest women on the planet. I mean, holy shit. I live in world so dulled by over exposure to all things sexual that finding suitable porn to watch is like a fucking lord of the rings installment. Then this little bit of soft core comes a long and fucks my whole world up. To give perspective on how hot she is, there are two other beautiful models in this video with their tops off that I could not give less of a shit about. They are stunning. Two girls I could never bag in a million lifetimes…but it doesn’t matter. They’re unfortunately within an eye shot of Mrs. Ratajkowski so they might as well be livestock. She’s THAT hot.
After watching the video an unhealthy amount of times the last few days, I’ve tried to wrap my hear around it all. It’s pretty simple though. She’s perfect looking. At least for my taste. That’s the easy part. But I’ve seen many girls who I consider perfect looking and none have hit me in the way she does. After much soul searching, I came to the conclusion that my deep lust for her stems from her terrible and dorky dance moves. She is, by any standard, a really bad dancer. Any other girl doing those exact moves would be laughed at like Elaine Benes on Seinfeld but, for her, it works. Magically so. To see a girl that sexy and beautiful look like a dork gives her an air of cuteness that creates a perfect storm. Seeing her bust out those moves, I immediately assumed she was foreign. Between the look, the name and the “I grew up on a third world farm” dance steeze, she was a perfect candidate for a person who might have a thick polish accent. but no, she’s american. At least she’s lived here long enough to where there is no accent. I know…I was shocked too.

Even that video is another testament to her undeniable flyness. Her Co-star, Sara underwood, is no slouch but she looks like a typical midwestern cheesehead when placed next to Ratajkowski. It’s truly humbling…and also extremely depressing.She’s so hot is makes me sad. I’m not alone either. I’ve exchanged emails, tweets and texts with men who share the same “goddamn her!” sentiment. She’s too beautiful.
You , the readers, might not remember this but I once rode hard for Olivia Munn. I thought she was the hottest/coolest girl for a while. Part of her allure was that she seemed approachable on some level. She as quirky and attractive. Ratajkowski is the opposite. While this video proves her to also be at least a little quirky, she’s beyond unapproachable. She might as well have her own solar system or a moat built around her. I feel bad for the men who have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Like what does the guy at the coffee shop she goes to think every time she bats those eyes at him and asks for a diet chia latte with agava essence (or whatever the fuck she probably drinks). He probably has a mini panic attack every time she walks in. I hope, for his sake, he’s gay.
And to think, there is some guy out there who gets to have sex with her who,in all likelihood, is sick of her texting him all the time (After all, in reality, she’s still a girl in her early 20’s AKA the worst). He’s probably some douche bag with no scruples or cares when it comes to “The order of things” who randomly hit on her and she took the bait. He hit the jack pot without even realizing it. Or He might even be a really famous person who , to him, she’s just another girl in his stable. Who knows?
It’s too much for my brain to really deal with. Whatever the case, I just wanna salute her. And apologize to all the girls who read this in utter disgust. Sorry. But, at the same time, if you are fronting on this girl on any level you are a bitter hater of highest order. I’d advise you to just tip your hat to her and keep it moving cause, really, It’s all any of us can do.
Don’t be like this bum ass girl: