Yay or Nay: Intuition

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If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you might be familiar with Intuition. He’s an L.A. Based Mc by way of Alaska (indeed, he is the rap game Mario Chalmers and Carlos Boozer). I’ve known him for a while and we’re buddies. But before I ever met him, I was down with his music. While it is often lady friendly (which , at times, can be the kiss of death for male enjoyment of rap music) he manages to keep a nice balance between the soft shit and the real shit. He gets a little emo without going overboard. In a world full of wimpy cutters doing weep-raps, I think we can all appreciate “rapping about feelings” when it’s done right. Well, maybe no all of us but surely most of the people that read this blog. Beyond all that, he’s got a way with words and a smooth , meticulous flow for all you rap nerds out there.
I should also add that his producer Equalibrum is fucking dope. If you’re a good rapper in the L.A. area, get at that dude.
Anyway, Even though he’s been covered on this blog extensively and has been making music for a long time, I don’t see a reason to not push him a little more…Here are some videos:
This is an early one that doesn’t really reflect what he’s doing now but, fuck it…I still like it.

Here’s some more recent shit though:



So, Yay or nay?

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 25


Ahh yes…time to dole out that sweet sweet advice to the youth of the world.
You wrote me and asked for my help so, with that, I give you my version of “help”.
For those who are unfamiliar, I’m not a doctor but I play one on the internet. I’m just a man with common sense that likes to give strangers tips on love and life.
If you’re a human who needs help in this department, please write me and ask me anything. Send the questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com. The questions are answered anonymously so, don’t worry about that. No one will know your dark secrets…cause I don’t know you.
So, yeah, send me stuff so I can fix it.
Anyway, this weeks theme seems to be mostly friends and lovers. Or, I should say, how confusing the two can be. Let’s see what we got going…

I have one more for the doctor!

first of all, excuse my bad english… I hope you understand everything!!

the story is very long but I’ll keep it short and try to make more a “global question”

I had this girlfriend for like 7 months but it’s over (she left me). Our relationship was awesome, like good friends too, it wasn’t only attraction, so I’m not mad at her or anything and I’m really up to being friends (seriously) cause we like similar things and we always talk lots about music and I love to hear her opinions about my artworks etc…

anyway, It seemed that it could work but I’m not sure anymore because sometimes I feel angry when she doesn’t text me back or shit like this. It is fucking stupid but I can’t control it. Sometimes I’m not sure if she really wants to talk to me and she just does it because she doesn’t want to hurt me or anything

I’m confused because I’ve been with a few (5+) girls since she left me 5 months ago, but somehow I guess I want to be friends with her cause I still like her… but I will always feel something for her, right?

so, what’s your opinion on being friends with an ex-girlfriend? bad idea? will be always stressing?
should I just move on and accept that she is not part of my life anymore?

I feel sad about losing someone who I like (not just because she is a girl and hot) but maybe I’m just a fucking hippy

I’d say what you’re going through is 100% typical of a person who got dumped. If it were up to you, you two would be together but she’s not into it. It sucks but it’s a reality. With that in mind, a “friendship” seems like something that might be impossible until you’re on equal ground. As long as you still, in the back of your mind, desire her to be more than a friend, you two can never really be friends. Ideally, friendship is being equals. It’s a give and take. If you’re gonna sit around and get salty when your “friend” doesn’t respond to some arbitrary text quick enough, you gotta understand that that’s your wanna be boyfriend brain at work. If you were really her “friend”, you’d shrug it off and talk to her when you talk to her. Real friend don’t sweat the small stuff cause we know it’s not a slight at us. It’s just something that happens.
My advice to you would be to remove yourself from the situation. I have no doubt she’s being nice to you to salvage your feelings so if you were to lessen contact with her, she wouldn’t be too upset. If your plan is actually be friends with her and never try to make her your GF again, then you’ll both need time and space. Otherwise, you’re just going to start to annoy her or you’ll end up being her weird lap dog who sits around her telling her how you don’t like the new guy she’s dating. Don’t be that guy. That guy is 100% a sucker, forever and always.
Surely you can find another lovely lady who can tell you how much she likes your artworks.

Hey! So I was dating this guy for about 8 months. Everything was going really great, getting pretty serious and I was really in love with him. Suddenly though, he started to get more distant and ended up breaking up with me. He definitely has some weird commitment issues… not just in our relationship but with his friends, school, work, etc. We had talked about it before when he disappeared one week and I found out he went to San Francisco and forgot to mention it. I’m really not a clingy person so it’s strange to me that he felt a little smothered. Anyway, after we broke up (about two months ago) he really wanted to stay friends. At first I was really against it but a few weeks ago I decided to try it. He came over to our mutual friends house to hang out and drink and everything was going well. We all ended up on the couch watching James and the Giant Peach (great movie) and he was extremely cuddly. It led to sex and the next night he called wanting to clear things up. I knew it didn’t mean he wanted to get back together or anything and that it just kind of happened but he kept saying how much he missed me and how seeing me took him back to when we were together,with that a ton of touchy feely mixed signals leaving me sooo confused. Do you think he’s just confused or just wants to get laid? I made it clear I wasn’t going to do the friends with benefits thing… that it was a relationship, just friends or nothing but he still wants to hang out with me… any insight?

He sounds like he’s one of those dudes who flip flops on his emotions. While this could easily be written off as him trying to get ass and being a good liar, for some reason, I get the feeling he’s just not sure of what he wants. Guys with commitment issues will often vacillate in their actions.
He also may be one of those “have your cake and eat it too” types.
Regardless, if this situation is black and white to you (you’re either friends or in a relationship) then there’s really no room for discussion, right?
LOL at “being friends” with this guy for all the reasons I stated in the previous question. Even if his intentions are good, will he be able to control those old feelings that eventually lead to you two fucking while watching pixar films? Probably not.
So, basically, this is what you make it. You can say you won’t be friends with benefits but , in a way, if you remain “friends” that’s gonna happen. So, either cut him loose completely or set serious ground rules that he most likely won’t be into. Either way, I’m guessing this one isn’t gonna turn out how you’d like it to.

Heyo Block, I have an issue, I would like your thoughts on please.
My best friend is a guy. I met him about 14 years ago when we went to school together for a few years,
before he left, but we have only been friends for like 3 years. Before we became friends, we met again
after a gap of about 7 years and there was this instant connection between us. We even lived together
for a couple of weeks, and that is how we became so close. Anyway I decided I fucking liked this guy,
but somewhere along the line, I made myself forget about me liking him because he always had a girlfriend.
But, turns out I still do like him, after 3 years, except I had been lying to myself so I wouldn’t get hurt.
So yeah, I still dig him, a lot and I told him that and because we are so close he understood and said that
is didn’t matter at all and even suggested a relationship slightly further down the track. We are real honest
with each other, me more that him though and he did admit to being sexually attracted to me and asked me
if I could see us having sex but I still feel like he had more to say…
Also, did I mention that we have hooked up, before I expressed any interest. I guess because we are both
sexually frustrated to say the least haha.
So now we are like 3 months since I told him how I feel and it was all normal and we were hanging out heaps
and went to a music festival together and our friendship was great, but suddenly he doesn’t answer any of my
messages via text, Fb or anything and I figure something is going on because we haven’t seen or talked to each
other in over a month, which is unheard of because for the entire duration of our friendship, we have hung out
almost every weekend and talked almost every night on skype, up until he got this bitch girlfriend like 5 months
ago who is real jealous of me (her friends told me), as girls are of each other often, I guess, and is super manipulative.
Maybe I am jealous of her too but I don’t think so…or at least I am not sure.
So I tried to say that we have hardly spoken of hung out at all for ages and he just goes “No, we haven’t lol”.
What the hell? I have really tried to talk to him and invited him places and asked to hang and visit him and stuff,
but also made sure I backed away a bit to give him space, but he just ignores me practically.
I can’t work out what is going on with him. He said he would never let these feelings get between our friendship
and there is nothing else that I can think of that I have done. All I know is that he said he feels guilty for kind of
unintentionally leading me on, or maybe on purpose without realizing it in a way, so maybe he is holding back.
Dunno. Advice/ opinion on this dudes brain would be awesomely appreciated. Thanks bro.

Oh man…so many things I wanna point out here. Where to start…
You wrote:
Anyway I decided I fucking liked this guy,
 but somewhere along the line, I made myself forget about me liking him because he always had a girlfriend. 

This has nothing to do with the question but I’ve always been blown away by this logic. That you can just “make yourself forget” that you like a person. How do you just turn that of, if not just naturally over time? The truth is, you liked him the entire time. Girlfriend or not. You still like him now. You will always like him until something drastic happens or you meet a new dude. It’s not easy to flick that light switch off. And, for the time being, it’s very much on.

Then there is this:
up until he got this bitch girlfriend like 5 months 
ago who is real jealous of me

coupled with this:
Maybe I am jealous of her too but I don’t think so

Umm…yeah…she may be jealous but I’d say it’s warranted as you are her boyfriends close female friends who’s openly had feelings for him and hooked up with him in the past. OF COURSE that’s going to make her insecure. You’re her biggest threat. In fact, I’d imagine it’s been discussed between him and her, as well as all their friends. So, if you’re wondering why he’s not responding to texts and fb messages…that’s why. It’s cause he’s being a good boyfriend to this girl and , most likely, following her wishes. Is it fair? Not really. Is she manipulative? a little. But , i dunno…I get it. No matter how much “friendship” talk you spew, the fact of the matter is that you want something down the line that is beyond friendship. how could that not be an issue to his current gf? Also, you are jealous of her and that’s okay. Even if you don’t see it, she has what you want. She’s taken away a guy who was a staple of you life. I’d say that’s proper grounds for jealousy. It’s not like jealousy is something we can control. If it’s there, it’s there.

Now, what I’m about to write is all based on nothing you have written me. I can’t call what really goes on within the inner workings of a long and complicated friendship between two people I don’t know…but just hear out this perspective.
As a dude who has always had a healthy amount of female friends, our relationships to them (the girls), as perceived by us, is often (not always though) very different from how the girls perceive them. I’ve had many conversations with girls I was friends with on a drunk nights where we made a retard pact to “get married if we’re both single as XXXX age”. Did they mean it? probably not. Did I mean it? No fucking way. All this “down the line” talk that friends of the opposite sex have is usually 100% bullshit. I don’t care if you two have hooked up, not hooked up or whatever. I don’t care if you guys have a “connection”. It’s people talking. Mostly out of their ass. So you can’t put any stock in those kinda vague yet heavy proclamations.

The bottom line is, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. But he doesn’t. He wants to be with the other girl. I’m sure he enjoys your company. I’m sure he truly does want to have sex with you. But I’d bet a large sum that he has no intention of every truly being your man.

So I’m a girl, in my very early twenties and I have this situation going on and I don’t really know what to think about it. A couple of months ago I started hanging out (read: having sex) with this guy I’ve known for like twelve years, since we went to the same school from elementary to high school. Not anymore since we both graduated last spring. We’ve never actually been that good of friends but like sometimes (I guess twice a year) the other one has asked the other one how they’re doing and stuff but nothing really deep.
I’m having my year off after high school and he’s in the army. It’s a sweet deal for me since I only have to hang out with him when he’s in the city for the weekends and that hanging out we do is pretty much having sex. I don’t have any problems with that since I don’t even care about his company that much but it’s nice to have a fuck buddy.
Here’s the deal: every week, (sometimes even twice or three times a week) even if he’s not in town, he sends me text messages and asks me how I’m doing and stuff and how my weekend was and monday and tuesday and oh fuck it… There seems to be nothing really wrong about it, but I think he’s getting too close. I don’t want him to ask me how I’m doing unless he’s in town, available and wants to get laid. I mean like why would he care what I’m up to if he’s not even in town. And after sex he likes to cuddle and hold me and kiss me and stuff, when I would just like to lie down for a minute, get off the bed, get dressed and do something else. I’m afraid he might have feelings for me, ’cause what else could it be? I would like it to be just sex and nothing else, and once after we had had sex I asked him if he thought I wanted anything more of him. He just laughed and said he didn’t think I wanted anything more. But he’s still texting me and wants to cuddle and all that shit so is it possible that he might feel something more for me? If he feels something more then I can’t keep on doing this ’cause it’s not fair because I haven’t got feelings for him. And just so you know I don’t have anyone else in the picture besides him because I don’t have that kind of time for more than one person. Now what’s the deal here? I know the only way to find it out is to ask him straight up about it but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear the answer yet if it is what I think it is. So what’s your opinion?

I hope you understand what I was trying to say (I just want to have a friend with benefits but I guess the guy might want something more)…

Well, this is a welcome spin on todays topic! Role reversal in effect!
Okay, so here’s what i think if possibly going on here. It’s one of three things
1)He does have feelings for you.
The thing about this is that it may be related to his situation. Sure, he likes you, but he also may be bored and lonely in the army and simply want to know that he’s got something waiting for him at home. OR he could legit have real feelings for you. I can’t really tell from what you wrote but both are possible for sure.
2)He’s on the same page as you and thinks that texting and staying in contact is a common courtesy.
Basically, he’s just being a gentleman. Checking in to make things are still cool as a means to make sure that, the next time he’s in town, it’s business as usual.
3) Maybe he’s just one of those dudes that likes to cuddle?
They exist. Just cause he’s all up in your shit after sex doesn’t mean he’s planning wedding vows. I mean, there certainly is a case to be made for a guy who does this that might lead one to believe it’s more than just sex to him…but, I’m just saying, it’s possible that’s just how he acts when he’s intimate with anyone.

See, what you’re going through right now sounds like a problem typical to guys. It’s happened to me, my friends and tons of other dudes I know. It’s the fear of someone you simply want to use as a human sized palm (or dildo in this case) actually catching feelings. So, instead of give you specialized advice cause you’re a girl, i’ll tell you what I’d tell a dude in the situation. After all, equal rights and that shit, right?
Ride it out until it gets too weird OR until he has “the talk”. Everything up until those points is fair game. You’re not being an asshole. You’re not lying. You’re doing what you’re doing and if he, all of a sudden, starts getting emotional, it’s not your problem or fault. That’s on him. Having sex with someone is intimate but it’s not grounds for “leading someone on” if that’s the basis of your entire relationship. Pillow talk is far more dangerous in situations like this.
If things do reach a boiling point, the only thing you can do is cut him loose as to not draw out the pain. Otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing. You clearly like fucking the guy so I’d say don’t rock the boat until you have to. Just keep an eye on it though as these kinda things tend to spiral out of control kinda quickly.

Capture the sun is out today!!!!

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Ohio rapper Illogic and I have been working on an album together for a few years now. We released two free Ep’s on bandcamp (you can get those HERE). Well, today our full length “Capture the sun” drops on Man Bites Dog records. It’s a 16 track album entirely produced by me with Illogic rapping, featuring Slug, Blueprint, Abstract Rude and others.
Anyway, instead of me explaining it in depth, peep this ARTICLE on Amoeba.com
Also, Tune into WFMU.org this week to hear the entire interview with Illogic and myself with host Billy Jam on “Put the needle on the record”. The show is on friday from 7-9.

As for the album and where you can get it, it’s available digitally
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/capture-the-sun/id633769116
and also on Amazon (might not be available today, but it will be soon)

If you’re more of a hard copy kinda person (god bless you!), you can get the cd at Amazon.com, at ughh.com and FYE online and mom and pop stores all over the US.

If you’re into limited edition kinda things, you can get a cd with a bunch of cool “capture the sun” beach stuff over HERE. These are very limited edition so you might wanna get on that if this interests you.
illogic-_full

Or you can just buy the cd here:
http://www.manbitesdogrecords.com/2013/04/illogic-blockhead-capture-the-sun-cd-cd-only/
Also, people have asked me about if this will be released in vinyl or if there will be an instrumental version available. As of now, the Vinyl is up in the air. There’s been talk of a special , very limited run or even some 7” records. I’ll certainly let you know as soon as I find out. Same goes for the instrumental version. Both would be small runs and come with a T-shirt so, keep an eye out for those.

Lastly, if you’re one of those people who only buys stuff after listening to it, you can peep the album streaming in it’s entirety right here:
http://www.mtvhive.com/2013/04/09/illogic-blockhead-capture-the-sun-stream/

I think that’s everything. If you have any more questions (and are on twitter) direct them to @manbitesdogrecs. He’s your answer guy.
So, go get this album in some form and enjoy it! And thanks for listening and supporting from both Illogic and myself.

Answers for questions Vol. 131

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What up ladies and gentleman? Now that your heart has been eviscerated by the photo above, you’re ready.
Back again with another mystical magical trip through the minds of my readers and the burning questions they have for me.
Side note: I was sick again last week. This past year has been full of colds and flus for me, as it seems I have the immune system of a premature baby. Whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I’d like it to stop.
Anyway, if you have any questions you’d like to ask me, shoot them my way. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m an open book. Just don’t ask boring questions. That’s my only rule.
Okay…let’s get into it.

Has any man ever confessed to loving you, in that way? I mean someone in your life… not on the internet (totally guilty here), so…

Can’t say that’s happened. I’ve been hit on by guys numerous times but never has it gotten to the point where someone I knew well decided they wanted to test those waters. I think that , doing that, comes with confusion and a glimmer of light in the eyes of the suitor. I’ve had plenty of gay friends over the years but I have a feeling I’ve never really put out that vibe of someone who may or may not be gay. That , or they get to know me and think I’m disgusting. Both are highly possible.
There was this one guy who used to hang around my friends and I when we were in our early 20’s. He was an older gay dude who used to date Roger Maplethorpe (famous gay photographer). Anyway, this dude would get drunk and hang on occasion. At the end of most nights, once properly sloshed, he’s inevitably try and take one of my straight male friends home with him. While some would follow him via cocaine bait, 95% of the time, people would just roll there eyes and that would be that. I should add that, as far as I know, the people who did follow him home to do coke never hooked up with him. They’d just blow lines at his crib and he’d put on porn (i guess that’s how you bag a straight dude?) but nothing would come of it. Though, I wouldn’t be shocked if he got a sneaky blow job off once or twice but that’s a whole different discussion.
Anyway, that dude hit on EVERYONE. Everyone, except me. In a way, I was kinda offended cause, you know, I was a handsome , fresh faced young man. Surely a drunk gay dude would have me?! I mean, he tried to fuck the full spectrum of my male friends to no avail and never even bothered with me. I mean, I appreciated it but I did always find myself thinking “Man, if I can’t get hit on by a drunk gay dude, what chance do I have with girls??” One time, I asked him why and he said “Cause you’re obviously not gay. You friends are all half a fag as far as I’m concerned”. Well…ok. Peace to that dude though. He was hilarious.

do you have any kind of neuroses, we should know about? (e.g. arachnophobia, acrophobia or washing your hands thirty times a day)
what is your attitude towards life in general, do you think you are a more positive or negative person?

Hmm…I feel like I’m slightly O.C.D. but nothing that anyone would ever notice without knowing me VERY VERY well. Though, partially, I think that comes from me not having a normal job and trying to create a schedule for myself. Like I have a definite set pattern of how I like to do things from when I wake up to when I eat my lunch that, if disrupted, annoys the shit out of me. But, I don’t know if I’d call that a “neuroses” though.
As for my attitude towards life, I’d like to think I’m extremely rational and never too high or too low. In fact, I’ve been called a robot , in that sense, by many people. I simply don’t get too angry or too happy about anything. I’d call that being even keeled , another may call it being “emotionally dead inside”. Apples and oranges.
I’m definitively not an optimist but I also don’t sit around thinking of all the bad things that could happen. I more just expect mediocracy at all times. That way, I’m never to disappointed when things go poorly but I get a pleasant surprise every now and then when things go well. I’d say it’s this mind set that has kept me in the field I’ve been in for as long as I’ve been in it. Side note to budding artists of all types: Prepare for constant disappointment. If you can’t handle that shit,
this is not the business for you.

How do you feel about The Birdman being on the heat? It seems like people that go by “The Birdman” just flock to that team.
First off, NEVER FORGET:

I fucking love the Birdman so it was kind of a bummer to see him join the Heat. But, at the same time, I can’t really fault the guy for going to where he’s gonna win a title. He’s played in the league long enough and been through enough shit that he can do that. In a way, considering how money driven everyone is now, there’s part of me that kinda likes when players take pay cuts to play with a team. Granted, it’s flagrantly hunting down championship rings. All that said, the Knicks could really use that motherfucker right now…

you are chosen to equip an unmanned spacecraft, that will be sent out to inform extraterrestrials about life on earth. which three objects would you choose
to describe mankind? which song would you choose?

First off, the song would have to be the theme from “Close encounters”, right?

Simply cause that would be hilarious to actually do. And I’m not about to be the asshole that picks some shit like “Thriller” or “Let’s get it started in here” to greet a bunch of aliens who probably makes music with crazy tubed instruments that are seemingly always wet (that’s just how I imagine alien instruments)
As for the three object, that’s tough. If we’re trying to teach them about life on earth as it is now, I guess you’d send them an I-pad, a 32 oz. soft drink and a gun. That about covers it.

Have you ever been stuck in a shitty situation that you felt there was no way out of? Like after going through your options you came to the conclusion that it was just your lot in life to be miserable indefinitely?

I’ve been on the verge of those situations but I can’t say I’ve ever been in one. To be honest, most of the ones I’ve been in have been related to dealing with girls so, in actuality, they weren’t that big a deal. So, it sounds to me like you’re fucked…but I can say that , 99% of the time, there is a way out of the shit. I think once you accept you gotta crawl through some shit to get out of it, doors will open up. Unless you’re in jail for life, you’ve always got options.

Yo Block, if you had small children of your own that were acting up in a public place like a restaurant or grocery store, how would you discipline them?

Obviously , I’d beat them death right there on the spot. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Nah, I have no idea. I don’t have kids and have never taken care of other peoples kids in my life. I could spew all sorts of ideals of how I’d discipline my children to you but, like i said, I have no idea what I’d do. I’m a fairly passive guy who doesn’t get mad easily but I also have a short fuse for annoyance when it comes to people acting like assholes in public. So, I could imagine my plan of attack would be to simply remove us all from the equation. I don’t mean a group suicide. I mean, literally, get out. My kids are acting up in a restaurant? Pay the bill and bounce. Anything to just lessen the burden on the people around me. Once we’d be out of that situation, then I suppose it would be time to discipline them. But, like I said, this is all theoretical. I have no idea what I’d actually do. Also, kids are the worst.

I was wondering what your opinion on the TV Show ‘Girls’ is? Is it a
programme about self entitled 20 somethings? Or do you think Lena
Dunham is on to something?

I sit somewhere in the middle. I watch it and find it entertaining. I also find it pretty heavily flawed. I actually think this second season was a bit of a regression cause Dunham seemed to be so focused on herself that lots of the better characters fell to the side.
One of the common criticisms of the show is “but I hate all the characters”. To me, that’s why it’s good. These are excellently portrayed entitled , self involved girls in their early 20’s. They’re unlikable cause, in reality, the girls they’re representing suck. So, in that sense, I give Dunham major props for nailing that demographic.
The other major criticism is that Dunham needs to put some clothes on. Again, in the first season, she made her point. I got it. We all got it. This season she seemed hell bent on just grossing people out. Every outfit she chose seemed more and more baffling. Like any insecure girl of her size would EVER wear an entire wardrobe that makes her look like a a wet grocery bag filled with marbles. It was just over the top, in my opinion. I get why she did it/does it but there isn’t a person who watched that show that didn’t turn away from the camera multiple times during each episode cause she felt it necessary to show her already hamburgler like physique in it’s most unflattering form. I respect her want to challenge social norms and all but , this season, she seemed obsessed with it.
i think the show has many good things about it and could be great if she could just find a way to not bring her ego and agendas into it. She’s a talented writer. I imagine she’ll grow up a little with every coming season and that can only be a good thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 21

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Back once again…Fucking, marrying and killing like it’s my job. My hypothetical job.
This week is a little of this and little of that. If you’ve got any fresh ideas for F/M/K, please leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new angles to take on this. Don’t be offended if I don’t use your submission cause, well, I’ve been doing this for a while now and a lot of bases have been covered. But it never hurts to try…
Anyway, here we go….

F/M/K: Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, June Carter Cash.

Marry: June Carter Cash
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This wasn’t an easy choice. I feel like all these old timey redneck women might actually make great wives in a way. They were all pretty in their day and they all , most likely, dealt with crazy men who they, beyond all reason, stood by. I’d say June Carter wins that contest as she was married to Johnny Cash’s crazy, drugged up ass and still came out the other end. That type of loyalty is rare so I’d go with her.

Fuck:Dolly Parton
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Little know fact about Dolly Parton: She has a face.
Not only that but her face is actually very cute. I remember when I had that realization. A friend of mine was dating this hot girl and I noticed she looked like Dolly Parton in the face and it all clicked “Dolly Parton was more than just enormous tits”. This was a tough pick cause she would easily be a candidate for marriage but she ended up here cause…well…she’s the one with all the sex appeal. Did I mention she has humungous tits? Cause she has those too…
Also, she’s like 80 now and still looks great. That’s pretty impressive.

Kill: Loretta Lynn
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I don’t know much about Loretta lynn except she was a coal miners daughter. At least that what the movie they made about her was called. So, call me short sighted but I can’t help but imagine her having black lung and vagina full of soot. That’s enough for her to land in this unfortunate column. I’m sure she was a lovely woman…or not. Who knows? Most musicians are fucking assholes. Also, she kinda looks like she’d be a waitress at a Cracker barrel. Either way. She dead.

F/M/K:Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “Set It Off” edition:Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox ,Kimberly Elise

Kill: Jada Pinkett (this was before the smith)
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Listen, I’m not trying to fuck anyone who doesn’t wanna be there. She clearly would rather have Queen Latifah playing this game than me and I can accept that. Sure, we could marry and i could be her beard but where does that leave me? Beyond all that, while she’s an attractive woman, she’s one of those thin lipped , wax skinned looking women who exudes a certain roughness that I don’t find particularly boner inducing. To be frank, she doesn’t exactly, “set it off” in my pants. so Murder was the case that they gave me.

Fuck: Kimberly Elise
41st NAACP Image Awards - Red Carpet
I had forgotten all about this girl but was grateful that, whoever submitted this F/M/K, excluded Queen Latifah. Looking back through google and being reminded of who Kimberly Elise is, i can say that…well…she’s a pretty yet goofy faced kinda lady. Like if Garcelle Beauvais has a lame little sister. That said, Elise does have a certain sex appeal. Mainly, she got body. I’ve certainly done far worse in real life so this wouldn’t be that big a deal. Sometimes, the math is as simple as that.

Marry: Vivica Fox
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Since we’re talking about them when they were in their prime, few ladies from that era are fucking with Vivica Fox. Holy shit, did I love her back then. She had cute, sexy and crazy all wrapped into a tight little package. I recognize she now looks like a plastic monster but all these submissions are being judged from when they were in their prime. Currently, she’s pretty horrifying. But this isn’t now. This is then. While the possible mental instability might be an issue, sometimes you gotta look at marriage as a roller coaster ride, as opposed to a walk on the beach. The lows with be low…but the highs will be high. Okay, full disclosure, I don’t believe a word of what i just wrote about marriage but , of these three, I’m slamming a ring on Fox’s finger with the quickness and riding her till the wheels fall off…which they most certainly would.

F/M/K/:X-men (women) edition. Rogue, Storm, and Mistique.

Marry: Mystique
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Quite possibly the easiest choice I’ve ever had to make.
Now, what are peoples (men and women a like) biggest gripe about being with someone for the rest of their lives? That they don’t get to fuck other people ever again. The best part about being single is the variety. With Mistique, that would never be a problem. In fact, you could fuck a new person…literally ANYONE, every night. She could be Megan Fox one night, then flip into Michelle williams (if that what you’re in the mood for) then , ZAP, she’s Topenga from Boy meets world the next day. I’d imagine, with this kinda power shit would get weird quick and she’d be morphing into super obscure girls from fast food commercials or car advertisements. But hey, as long as she’s game and doesn’t turn back into that blue thing mid-coitus, it would be all good. Never a dull moment when you’re married to Mystique.

Fuck: Storm
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I feel like fucking storm would be best cause if you were to get too involved with her she might start throwing tornados at your penis. On top of that, I’m sure the one off bone sesh would be pretty memorable. You ever made love in the rain? Well, times that by a million.

Kill:Rogue
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It’s gotta be her. She can’t even kiss a dude without making his brain explode. I don’t even wanna imagine what her head game is like. The only person she could ever even date successfully would be one of those guys that only gets off on watching. That kinda creep would flourish under her unbridled love but otherwise? She’s leaving a trail of dead bodies cause , by hooking up with her, you’re basically sticking your dick on a super powered bug zapper.

F/M/K,Your own blog edition: Answers for Questions, Demo Reviews ,Fuck, Marry, Kill

Marry: Answers for questions
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Always reliable. Always easy. Every monday, I wake up and my week starts the same way. With a long piss. But after that, I sit down and write this column. When you’re like me and your schedule isn’t really a schedule, it’s nice to have something that you can rely on. To me, writing this blog is a big part of that. And “Answers for questions” Sets the tone every week. I’m not saying it’s a home run every week but, hey, neither is being in a long term committed relationship. But, at the end of the day, it’s there for me every week and never that much of a hassle.

Fuck: Fuck, Marry , Kill
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While writing this column is the most fun of the three, it’s also kinda time consuming. The prospect of finding the pictures alone makes me not wanna deal with it some weeks. (side note: how lazy am I that the idea of having to google stuff is tiring to me?). So, for that reason , F/M/K makes perfect sense to F. It’s a lot of fun but not something I need to revisit that often. Also, admittedly, it’s pretty well worn territory. I certainly didn’t come up with the idea and I’m not really bringing much extra to the table by doing it. The humor is in the rationalizing of such a ridiculous topic. But still, I could be happy with a one and done of F/M/K.

Kill: Demo Reviews
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Easy. Let me tell you something about my “demo reviews”. There’s a common misconception that I do it cause I desire to hear whats out there. Like i’m doing a good deed or something. This is 100% wrong. I do demo reviews as a means to control the never ending flood of “Hey, can you listen to my demo??!?!?” that is my social media existence. Prior to doing “Demo Reviews” I’d have random people hitting me up , asking me to check their shit. In my entire life, I had never heard an even decent demo. So, i wasn’t exactly drawn to respond. Then, I had the idea that I could take that and somehow whip it into content for my blog. That’s all it is. I don’t want to listen to your demos. I truly don’t. But, it makes good blog content. After a year of doing it or so, I’ve come around to it and have actually heard some pretty good stuff (RARELY) but , still, not a week goes by when I don’t sit down to write it and wish I had never opened that can of worms. KILL KILL KILL

Yay or Nay: The Niyat

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This weeks “Yay or Nay” comes from a reader submission. Special shout out to Kasey Kharma for that. Now, don’t get excited and start sending me links to you or your boys shitty youtube videos (that’s what demo reviews are for). This is a one time thing and this column is normally reserved for shit I pick out.
I was fully ready to peep one video and roll my eyes at this but, hey, it turns but this is pretty good. They’re a 4 man group from Houston and have worked with everyone from Bushwick Bill to FLying Lotus. From what I can gather , they do solo songs and do group cuts/ Kinda like on some Wu-tang shit.
Anyway, here’s some music from them. Lemme know what you think…



Demo Reviews Vol. 20

First Demo Tape (Front)
It’s that time once again for me to review demo’s sent in by you, the readers. I’m feeling under the weather and kinda cranky so, just be warned. But, you know what? A lot of these demo’s would be pretty bad if I felt great so , no excuses. After all, you were all warned as to my reviewing style. We’re in this together.
Anyway, PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE DEMOS. I got enough to last me for a while and I won’t be accepting submissions.
Oh, and to the dude I met in Switzerland who handed me a demo to review, I’m afraid the cd got cracked in my bag. If you got a link, send it over. Sorry about that.
So, each review is basically a paragraph of my thoughts then a number rating from 1-10 in the categories.
Production:

Vocals:

Listenability:

Originality:

If you feel slighted by a 5 out of 10, realize that, in my eyes, anything over a 5 means it’s not terrible. No one has ever gotten an 8. So, take it all with a grain of salt.
So, let’s get into it. May buddah have mercy on your soul.

Artist: Both Bowers
Song: New mind


There’s something very “Group Home” about this. Not in the production but in the rhyming. It’s just very…simplistic.

is this off the dome of something? It’s possible the most rudimentary rapper I’ve ever gotten to review. That’s not a good thing. It’s too bad cause his voice is actually decent. He just sounds like someone who JUST started rapping. The beat is very middle of the road. A good rapper would make it passable but not this dude.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
3 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Astroknot 7
Song:Icing


Oh cool…a beat that never changes and sounds about 1/5th finished. I see that the person is very happy with their sample chopping but I’mma need a LOT more than just that and some drums. A bassline would be a nice start. But even beyond the lack of other parts, the main chop is fairly grating to begin with.
Production:
2.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
3 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Resident Alien
Song: The Satan


I’m not sure what genre this qualifies for. Whatever it is, I’m not into it. It’s got an intense male on male rape vibe to it. Like this could be the soundtrack to a jail with all the lights off. Again, not really in my wheelhouse so don’t be mad. I simply don’t listen to shit like that.
Production:
3.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a (unless the talking counts as vocals, which i don’t think it should)
Listenability:
2.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Truth Clipsy x Caveman the wise
Song: Birthday cake


All this guy wants for his birthday is a big booty hoe. CAN ANYONE GET HIM ONE?!?!!?!
This beat is pretty good. A nice airy vibe to it. The rapping is okay. The singing doesn’t bother me. All that together and you got a decent demo. Compared to the other demo’s thus far, this like hearing De la soul for first time.
Production:
5.5 out of 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Splatter
song: Melt


Some thugged out Enya shit going on here. It takes some cool turns and is very mellow.
Feels like it made in the rain. Like , literally the dude had an umbrella over his computer. The vibe is that strong. Could use a few more changes to stand alone as a song but it’s pretty good all together.
Production:
5.5 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Broken Rope
song: Comb the blades out

https://soundcloud.com/brycebeverlinii/comb-the-blades-out
This is the alternate side of “White voice”. He’s got one but not a bad one. It’s not whiney or nasal. It’s the type of voice that , if he learned how to use it right , it could be pretty good. The thing is, the guy can flow decently but , for some reason, it just kinda sounds like a spoken work poetry. Also, the singing…nah bro. Chill with that.
The beat is kinda just there. Seems like an afterthought.
Production:
3 out 10
Vocals:
4.5 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Paraphrase
Song: Prozac Disconnect


People need to embrace that rapping in affected voices (in this case like they’re in Funkdoobiest) will never have staying power.

These guys can kinda flow. I feel like a lot of the flow has to do with how they’re using their voices. I even think there are some good lyrics in here but the flow is so cartoonish they get lost. So, my advice? Rap in whatever voice you talk in. Even if you got a serious case of White Voice, at least you don’t sound like a mediocre rapper from 97. Don’t hide behind an “accent”.
The beat is lame except for that vocal sample. I like that part.
Production:
3.5 out of 10
Vocals:
4 out of 10
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Blunts over Everything
Song: Rude Boy


This is scum bag music. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I get the feeling these dudes are bout whatever low life life they’re rapping about. I’m not mad at this. Can’t say I’d wanna peep it again but I also just woke up and have a headache. This is one of those songs that teeters the line between some hard crunkish shit and something a juggalo might make.
The beat is fine. The played out drum break works but the star of it are the little pianos.
Production:
4.5 out of 10
Vocals:
5 out of 10
Listenability:
5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Power bottom Benjiman butthole button barf fart ect…
Song:unprofessional wrestling


It would appear someone spent more time coming up with a name than focusing on the actual music part. This isn’t terrible. It just kinda is. It sounds like video game music, but during a scene when the hero finds the princess.
Production:
4 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Sanguivorus
Song:Clongono


If you’re gonna make a song based entirely off drums (at least until the 1:30 mark) I would hope the drums sounds would be a little better. These are stock sounds mixed weirdly. The the drops finally happens, it’s pretty underwhelming. This simply isn’t very interesting.
Production:
3 out of 10
Vocals:
n/a
Listenability:
3 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

So that do you think?