Kool Keith is a bugged out dude. Over the years he’s had more names and personalities than most entire crews. Just when you think he’s done, he pops up out of nowhere with yet another incarnation of himself. This time around, he’s calling himself Babby Blak and repping “Toilet Tissue music”. This is one of those things you’re either gonna love or hate. Which makes it perfect for the “Yay or Nay” treatment.
The Dr. is once again in and this week is a special “all questions from ladies” edition. I didn’t plan it like that but, apparently, hoes got questions this week.
If you’re new to this column, it’s pretty simple. Readers send me questions about their shitty love lives and I try my best to give them an honest perspective. No point in me lying. I don’t know you people and have absolutely no stake in your lives. So, this is all unfiltered advice from a man with no background in anything remotely clinical.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in , please email me any questions of the heart you may have. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous so don’t hold back. Also, I’m running low on questions so, if you like this column, send me more. I can’t do this without questions.
Anyway, here’s this week debacles.
Hey i just broke up with my lover becos of my weight issue everytime we walk togeather people make gest of us and due to this fact i broke up with him and without telling him the main reason why i did so and now my conscience is judging me wht do i do
First off, from one person with terrible spelling skills and even worse grammar to another , get it together. Did you write this while free falling from a crashing plane?
Secondly, calling someone your “lover” is just plain creepy. But, more than that, there is a difference between a “lover” and a boyfriend. If this person was literally just your lover, then I assume all you guys shared was something sexual. If that’s the case, you’re allowed to break that off whenever you want. In fact, sparing that person’s feelings by not saying “Hey fattie, I broke up with you fat ass cause your a fat fat ass!” is definitely a nice move. If this is a person you were actually involved with on a deeper level, while it may sting and paint you as a shallow piece of shit, a little honesty might be a good idea. Now keep in mind, this is me telling you to do that. I can’t say I’d actually do that myself cause, damn, that’s cold blooded. But on paper, it seems like the right thing to do.
But beyond all that vague advice I just gave, are you really gonna break up with someone cause of that other people think? I mean, if his fatness bothers you, then that’s one thing but if it’s the jokes made by strangers fueling your break up, who gives a shit? Also, do you like in an 80’s movie locker room or something? This dude would have to be EXTREMELY obese for people (strangers!) to feel comfortable enough to openly mock in public and, even then, who does that in 2013?
Maybe you like fat dudes? If so, I say enjoy it. I was talking to a friend the other day about how awesome it would be to have a fetish where you were attracted to people that other people might not typically be into. Like, to be into fat girls? Holy shit! I’d have my pick of the litter. And, beyond that, they’re generally nicer people than skinny people. But, unfortunately, genetics wired me (and most other people) differently. Oh well…maybe in another lifetime.
For the past year I haven’t had the best luck on the “dating” scene. Every guy I met either is a dick or I find something stupid wrong with them. For example: there was creepy dude with a rapist vibe who yelled at our waitress, the military guy who left me in a fucking corner for four hours while he went off with his friends on our date, and the guy who secretly had a boyfriend when he got with me. Not girlfriend, boyfriend. Wtf. On the flipside, the guys who are really into me I end up thinking they’re too feminine, slightly too old, are a little too chubby, have hips like a woman, or some ridiculous shit like that. I’m at a point where I’m just like AHHHHH what is wrong with me! Is it weird to be picky like that and want someone who meets all the criteria I’d like? Or do you think that’s impossible? I honestly wish I was less superficial and would just go for the nice chubby guy for once. In fact, one recently asked me about and I enjoy talking to him but I’ve yet to agree to go out because I’m afraid the date will be awkward and I won’t be as attracted to him (I think he’s cute but I kinda psych myself out just waiting for a dude to have flaws). Plus, my friends are probably more superficial than I am and I’m afraid they wouldn’t approve. Yeah, fuck them. So, basically, I need an opinion if I should be less picky, or advice on how to be less picky so I can go for the guys who are actually nice to me. Or do I keep waiting for someone super hot and nice? Would you date someone that lacks in one area if they make up for it in another? I feel like I’m in such a dating slump. Dating sucks, but I’m past the point where I can just hook up with a guy and call it a day. Also, I know I have probably have some issues.
I’m afraid no person can force themselves to be less superficial. I mean, they can try…but at their core they’re always gonna feel like they’re settling. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to. I know a ton of girls who are in their 30’s and single right now , dating well below their standards cause they’re trying to give it all a chance. While that’s valiant of them, I also think it’s leading them towards being unhappy cause they will most likely settle for the wrong dude. I suppose , for many women, the fear of being alone is way scarier than the fear of being with the wrong guy. Which is crazy but, hey, do you ladies.
While part of this is high standards (or petty grievances) I gotta think there is an element of you putting walls up. I dunno what happened to you in the past (if you’ve been routinely fucked over, cheated on or your dad was an asshole) but it’s not uncommon for people who’ve been through that kinda shit to put up a forcefield.
That or you have a fucked up radar that only makes you attracted to shitheads , unavailable men and lunatics. You wouldn’t be the first girl with that problem.
Another thing that you might wanna take stock in is yourself. Are you hot? Really? People always talk about having high standards but I feel like the often overlook their own pay grade. Maybe you’re dating mediocre looking guys cause you are in fact also mediocre. I’m not firing shots at you specifically (as I don’t know you or what you look like) but part of dating is having grasp of your range. When i was single, I knew there were girls that were out of my league. So, I didn’t bother with them. I have a feeling this is more of a guy problem than a girl problem though so it may be off base a little. Still, I’ve seen some 3’s turndown handsome charming guys on some “As if!” shit and it blows my mind. Basically, all I’m saying is a little honest self awareness never hurt anyone.
Blockhead! It’s the year 2013 and i’m a 21 year old virgin. Should I be proud? ashamed? I’m not ugly nor the “saving myself until marriage” type of girl.. Just waiting till I meet a guy I actually wouldn’t mind having sex with.
What are your thoughts on virgins nowadays?
Is there an age limit where it’s like “Holy shit just get it over with already!” ?
What’s the difference between male/female virgins?
Have any friends who are still virgins?
I don’t think you should be proud or ashamed. Holding on to your virginity for non-religious reasons is one of those things that I tend to think the person doing it makes too big a deal about. It either becomes a badge of honor or a scarlet letter (but a scarlet letter of purity shame). In both cases, I personally think it’s stupid. You wanna wait to meet the person of your dreams before you have sex? Good for you. Good luck. Just understand that , when it comes down to it, sex isn’t THAT important. Sure, it’s how we as a human race continue but it’s also something fun that people do for no reason. It’s like eating fine food. We don’t have to do it and we don’t need it…we could eat millet all day and drink enriched yogurt paste to survive. But, instead, every now and then, you want something that you enjoy.
I might also add that there’s a good chance that the guy you give it away to won’t be the guy you end up with. And for your sake, I hope not cause , if you enjoy sex, you’re gonna wanna try it with multiple people.
I’m not saying go out and fuck the first guy who buys you a drink but don’t hold on to your virginity just cause of some fairy tale ideals you’ve created. When your comfortable with the idea, have sex. It’s pretty simple. And, it’s the type of thing that once you are enjoying , you’ll wonder why you ever waited past 10th grade. This was all advice given to you by a person who does not have a daughter, clearly. If i did , this entire answer would be “Stay a virgin forever! daddy loves you!”.
As for the other questions, 21 isn’t that old to still be a virgin. I’d say things get dicey for women towards the late 20’s. If I meet a normal girl who is a virgin and 28 years old, I assume she’s got issues. As for men, If you haven’t fucked by 25, there is either something wrong with you or you’re really not trying. I say this cause , as men, we (for the most part) actively pursue sex. Sure, there are going to be plenty of older male virgins who read this who are wildly offended and will say shit like “Sex isn’t this or that…blah blah blah” but know that those dudes are either simply not into the idea of sex at all or scared of vagina. Also, a 35 year old male virgin talking about sex like he knows what’s going on is one of the sadder things you will encounter. That said, I guarantee someone will be butthurt about this in the comments section of this post. Also know that while they certainly do exist, they are not the majority. Sorry guys. You aren’t. But, by all means, go on living that life if it makes you happy. Don’t have sex on my account.
And, no, I don’t have any friends who are virgins. I’m 36. That would be fucking weird.
A few weeks ago I went out with my friend just for one drink but then, surprise surprise, we ended up going to a night club. Anyway I was a bit drunk, but not too much. I was dancing on the dance floor and then this guy came up and started dancing with me. I didn’t even see what he looked like but kept on dancing. Then I guess I went for a cigarette and left the guy there. At one point of the evening I spontaneously hugged some one from behind on the bar counter and it turned out it was the same guy I had been dancing with. We talked for a while but then I decided it was time for me to go home. We hadn’t even introduced ourselves to each others, but then the next morning I got a text message and it was from him. So he had unraveled my name and number. We agreed that he would come pick me up and we would go to the seaside. We ended up spending five hours together and then he returned me to my home. After a half an hour he sent me a message to tell me good night. The next three days he texted me every evening to ask me how my day had been and stuff. On the fourth day we were both out drinking with our own friends and the he came to the same bar where I was, just because he wanted to see me. We exchanged our first kiss on that evening and had a good time and left at the same time. Then he asked me if I wanted to come spend the night with him. I hesitated for a while and told him that I was afraid of just being a bandaid (he has broken up with his girlfriend after two years about a month ago, at that time it had been just two to three weeks) and he told me it’s nothing like that. I also told him that I didn’t want it to be all about sex, so he said it didn’t have to and that he just wanted to spend the night with me, it didn’t matter if we had sex or not. He had been living together with this ex girlfriend and after the break up he went back to living with his parents. I didn’t want to see his parents in the morning and told him so, so he asked me if I wanted to go to their cottage. It was fine by me so we took a cab and went there. Things got pretty hot when we went to bed and you know.. I had a really good time with him and he told me he likes me. The first time he said it I just answered that it was nice to hear it. Then the other time he said: “seriously, I really like you” and then I said it back to him. I was really happy ’cause it has been a loooong time since someone has told me that. The next morning we walked to his house (it was about 1,5 miles away from their cottage) to get the car and he drove me back to my house. After a couple of hours he sent me a text asking if my parents had asked me about where I had been for the night and stuff. We texted the whole day but the next day I didn’t hear anything from him before I asked him where he was (we were both drinking with our friends again). Then my friends and I went to the same night club I had met him for the first time and he was there too. I saw him and said hi but he was acting like he didn’t even notice me. I got really sad and angry because well, I thought he had got what he wanted from me and I didn’t matter anymore. Then at some point of the evening we went for a cigarette and I asked him why he was acting like that. He didn’t seem to think he had done something wrong (he was quite drunk) and then I decided not to care and to go get wasted too. I didn’t see him after that except for when it was time to leave and I was hanging outside the bar with my friends. I went to talk to him again and then we decided to go get some food and he came over at my place. We ended up having sex again. I asked him to leave before my parents woke up and he left at 7:30 AM. The next day we met again and went for a ride outside the town. We didn’t really talk about what had happened last night and it kind of bothered me but I thought it was better not to talk about it, I really don’t know why.. Since then he hasn’t texted me on his own initiative, only to answer my texts. I called him once last week to ask him what he was doing but he said he is very busy with his work for a few days and we agreed that he would call me when he had time for me. For the weekend I was out of town but he called me on saturday/sunday night. We were both drunk then and he asked me where I was, I told him I was out of town and he asked me if I would call him when I was back in town. Since I hadn’t heard of him at all for a few days I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to call him at all anymore and he sounded really angry ’cause I said so and hung up the phone. For a few minutes I was like “what have I done, I don’t want this to end like this” and decided to call him. He answered and we started talking. I told him that I hadn’t expected anything of him, since he had broken up lately but that I was a bit confused ’cause he hadn’t been in touch with me anymore since he had been texting me every evening before that. He told me that he really has been busy with his work and that he hasn’t had time for anything else than his work. He also told me that he had been thinking about me and thinking about texting me but he didn’t know why he hadn’t. He said he is not fully recovered from the break up yet but that he still likes me. I told him that my biggest concern is if he has some other girls in the picture at the same time and he told me that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else than me. I have trust issues since the last time I went out with somebody, we had agreed not to date anyone else but he had betrayed me and dated several other girls on the side. I told him that too. It’s really sad that I can’t trust this guy because he hasn’t done anything for me not to trust him but still… I told him my feelings and that we didn’t have any rush and could take things slow and see each others like just once a week. We wouldn’t have to mix our friends or anything and the only thing we would have together was the time we would spend with each others. We didn’t end up having a conclusion to the situation and now it’s been four days and I haven’t heard of him. I haven’t called him or texted him or anything, ’cause I thought I’d give him some time and space. I was thinking about texting him next week when it has been closer to two weeks of not hearing anything about him, unless he gets in touch with me. I’m just really confused and don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t think I’ve been doing anything really wrong here so please help me, is he just playing with me or what the hell? I don’t necessarily want to start a relationship with him or anything, but it would be nice to have someone in the picture. Just someone to casually hang out with. But just one. Should I just let this go or try to take it easy and see where it leads?
If you text anything like you write, perhaps his texting plan couldn’t handle a relationship with you? Just kidding (kind of).
To be honest, I think your original worrisome thought of “he just got out of a relationship” was spot on. It sounds to me like he doesn’t know what he really wants and , most likely, goes through different mind sets on a weekly basis. He knows he wants to have sex with you…but he also just got out of a relationship and you guys already talking about relationship-esque stuff is probably a big turn off. It’s without a doubt partially his fault that he’s in this position as he was the one sending sweet texts and willing to take it relatively slow. You were really just following his lead. but, to be blunt, he was also trying to close the deal with a new girl for the first time since a long break up. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to be a gentlemanly scum bag yet.
My guess is that all he wants is simplicity. No arguments. No talks about “us”. Just something fun and casual. That’s all any guy who just got out of a relationship wants. I doubt he’s looking for a new girlfriend this soon (though, it wouldn’t be unheard of). So, he most likely just felt the need to create some space between you too to temper any grand ideas you might have concerning your relationships future. I’m not sure if that means he’s put a cap on how far the relationship could go or if he just actually needs time but, whatever it is, I’d say it’s safe to just leave the keys in his hands. If he calls, react accordingly. If he doesn’t, fuck him (not literally). But, more than anything, if this is not what you want, remove yourself from the equation. It’s way too early to be getting upset with a guy when you’re not even in a committed relationship. You’ve got nothing to lose by simply asking him straight up where you stand with each other.
I’m a fan of movies. I’ve seen many of them over the years. I’m just like you!
But, I’m also an asshole who is prone to sweeping generalizations and flash opinions on things I know very little about. The thing is, I’ve found my gut reaction to many things (movies, music, humans) to typically be pretty on point. So, I figured it might be fun to review some movies I’ve never seen and never plan to see based entirely on their previews. I feel like this is something that has been done before but I can’t quite put my finger on where. Regardless, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. Maybe i’m just “sampling” that original idea. Yeah…that works…
Besides my completely baseless deep disdain for Jaden Pinkett Smith, the first thing that pops out at me in this trailer is Will Smiths Accent. Not only does it change throughout the few previews I’ve seen but it goes from being a normal US accent to sounding like morgan freeman in south africa. Is that how we will all talk in the far off future? Also, will we all dress like that too? Movies have been trying to get us to believe that all fashion will be lycra tights based forever now and I just don’t see it. We gonna run out of cows on whatever new planet we end up on? Surely we’d take the cows with us. Hamburgers are far too important to society.
Also, if I’m not mistaken, this is the second movie where will smith and his son have played father and son. The first was that one about them being homeless or whatever. I dunno. I didn’t see that piece of shit either. I saw a clip on cable once and they were both crying in a bus station bathroom so I switched the channel. But, regardless, I’m trying to figure out if he makes these movies as a platform for his kid to become famous or if he’s just kinda using these movies as therapy to help him wade through a distant and murky relationship with a child he probably thinks is a dipshit. Tough call. It should also be noted that this is yet another movie where Will Smith plays a dude isolated in a barren wasteland fighting off its violent inhabitants (“I am Legend” being the other). We get it, guy , you’re a bad ass. But you also wear way too much lip balm so slow your roll.
Anyway, this movie looks like like jumanji in space if space was earth. Fuck all that noise.
Fast and Furious 6
This is the #1 movie in the USA right now. I’ve never seen an entire Fast and Furious movie. I’ve seen parts and it did nothing for me. I don’t wanna come off as one of those people who scoffs at mindless action movies…cause I’m not. “Judge dredd” was easily one of my favorite movies from last year. The thing is, I don’t give a shit about car chases. I don’t give a fuck about car tricks and cool driving. Car culture, in general, bores the shit out of me. It’s just not my bag. If I’m watching an action movie, I’m looking for violence and creative killings. That’s it. I can take only so many shots of a car flipping in slow motion before I check out. I’d set the bar higher but these kinda movies are churned out with scripts so bad they might as well have been written by a 3rd grader who’s only experience with cars is slamming his hot wheels together. I get that that is the point and the films aren’t there to be evaluated on the same level as ,say, an actual good movie. That fine. All i ask of a movie like that is to be self aware. Accept that you’re a piece of shit and throw me a wink every now and then. Does fast and the furious do that? I have no clue. If they do, I apologize and take everything I just wrote back. From the previews, it looks like everyone is pretty fucking serious and “cool”. I take issue with Vin Diesel acting all cool and shit when he looks like a tired turtle. On the other hand, The Rock is pretty much the greatest action star ever so I suppose there is hope.
White house down
Olympus has fallen
There was a while ago (let’s call it “The 80’s”) when like 4 different movies came out at once all about kids switching bodies with adults and the hijinks that ensued. That was the first time I noticed that trend in hollywood where , out of nowhere, various different studios will apparently get the same script and say “fuck it!” and all make a movie about the same thing. So, this month, two movies about a direct attack on the white house came out. Both look equally dumb so really, if you’re trying to choose between the two, it’s a choice between Channing Tatum and Gerard Butler. So, basically, younger women will see “white house down” and older women will see “Olympus has fallen”. I’m assuming that’s who are horny for Gerard Butler but i could be mistaken.
For men, I’d imagine you’re either all in or you don’t care. I mean, seriously, you either love this kind of crap or it’s white noise.
The thing about movies like this is that you know how they’re gonna end before they begin. The president lives and the rough and tumble underdog guy saves the day. So, the excitement is the road it takes to get there. It’s not like on some “Zero Dark 30” shit (Which i also haven’t seen yet) where the story of how it went down is probably highly compelling (and somewhat based in reality). This looks like Die hard in the white house. In fact, I’m fairly certain that’s what the cover sheet of the script said. But, I’m afraid there is only one Die hard. Oh wait, there are like 6 of them…but still, they’ve all been made already.
Also, in the case of , “white house down” , if your preview BRAGS of a movie being made by the same person who made “Independence day” , “2012” and “The day after tomorrow” you truly grasping for straws. That’s like having “Multiple time Acquitted date rapist with only minor STD’s!” in your OK cupid profile.
Now you see me
Hey, you know what’s REALLY cool? Magic. Even cooler? Magicians. Even cooler than that? Jesse Eisenberg playing a cool guy. This movie just keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know they’re gonna throw in a mime and some jugglers with a license to kill. I bet David Blaine watches this preview with tears in his eyes.
Making a movie about cool illusionists is like making a movie about Magic the gathering dudes who get tons of pussy. I suppose the suspension of belief is what movies are all about though so that’s something to consider.
Side note, I was in a restaurant the other day and Jesse Eisenberg came in. Yo, he’s HUGE. Like 6’4” and crazy broad. Just kidding. He’s a tiny hunch back who wears wool hats in hot weather and sunglasses indoors.
I hope your memorial day was as good as mine. I watched the entire new season of Arrested Development and barely left the couch. Good times.
As always, if you got questions, send them my way. My mailbox is always open. Either email them to at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Keep them interesting.
this is a day later than usual but, surely, you don’t give a shit either way. So, let’s get into it.
What do you think about a person if you find out that they don’t drink?… Like if you realize it just from some passing comment during conversation… Do you find them suspicious and instantly try to distance yourself? Do you automatically assume anything good or bad about them? Do you instantly ask them “How can you not drink?”, or publicly berate them until they explain themselves? Why do so many drinkers react this way?
I don’t really react either way. While i’m curious of why they don’t, as long as they’re not judging me for drinking, I don’t really give a shit. It’s a little strange to ask someone straight up “Why don’t you drink?” cause, assuming you don’t know them that well, they might not want to tell a stranger that unless they are one of those rare people who was never into it. But , I’d imagine most passing acquaintances don’t really wanna get into their addiction history with anyone as small talk.
this question may not be applicable to your current creative process as some of the posts i’ve read seem to indicate you’ve streamlined things quite a bit (also the very nature of the problem just seems like something you’d have solved before becoming a professional musician), but i’ll give it a shot anyways as it’s not really something you’ve talked about explicitly.
how many beats are you working on at any given time and how do you go about managing all of your creative scraps and half-made songs? not really looking for step by step instructions or anything, just your overall take on this. i feel like it can become a problem more easily for people who do everything on a computer as all you have to do is press save as opposed to transcribing or recording an instrumental passage you just came up with.
I’m actually the type of guy who finishes what I started. I rarely make half a beat, leave it and move on to the next thing. This might be cause I know myself well enough to know that I’m not gonna touch it again once I’ve moved on. I’d sooner just start over then make half a beat. The only time I go back to a track is if I stopped making it cause of time constraints. But, keep in mind, my “finished beat” isn’t really finished. It’s just a beat that is complete in the sense that it’s got all the parts I think it needs for that time. Once it’s “done”, I throw it in the pile and move on but ,when it’s time to make a new album or work with mc’s, it gets a second life.
Whats your favourite line from Macgruber?
Oh man, there are so many…one that always cracks me up is when he’s talking to ryan phillippe by the fire about how he met his wife and spirals into the awful story of what a piece of sociopathic shit he is (but it’s being told by him as if he was a victim).
I live in a third world country (Australia), and you never come here, which is understandable, since it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere. This isn’t a plea begging you to please come over here to do some shows just for me or any of that pathetic “I’m your #1 fan dude, gimme some love” type wack shit, but I’m just curious as to what makes you go to places like st. petersburg or bucharest (not even sure if you went there or not)? Did enough people request you there or some peeps had loads of cash to book a tour for you or anything like that?
I’ve actually played in Australia before and I loved it. It was about 6 years ago though.
I have a simple answer for your question: I got where the offers are. If I don’t get offers from a certain place, I don’t go. Money is definitely an aspect of it, especially when traveling abroad. The flights to places have to be paid for and I’m not trying to lose money when I go on the road so, you know, the farther the place, the more they promoter has to be willing to spend. Or, at least, I have to have enough shows lined up at that destination that I come home with a decent amount of money. So, a place like australia is tough cause the flight is so expensive and booking a tour there longer than three gigs is rare. But, trust, I LOVED it there and would love to go back.
Hey Block, do you have any crazy/funny/weird stories about run-ins with the one-time???
I haven’t heard the term “one time” in forever. That means “police” , for anyone who was born after 1990 and before 1975.
As for cop run in’s, I can’t say I have. I’ve always been a very law abiding citizen. Outside of getting caught pissing in public, drinking in public and smoking weed in public, I’ve avoided their wrath. And all those instances just led to tickets or warnings.
I did get approached once for Jaywalking when I was in europe. Once he realized I was american the ticket turned into a warning though. But still, if your city gives tickets for jaywalking, they are both extremely safe and also very corny.
Always wondered…when you are performing, have you ever had to go to the bathroom really bad, like you want to run off the stage for a minute just to get it out of your system. I wonder this because I drink at a lot of shows and sometimes I can’t make it through a set without running to take a piss(usually after “breaking the seal”). Probably not as much of an issue since you are not a big drinker, but I know “artists” that drink before shows and sometime are tanked on stage. Any interesting stories you have or have heard from others? I know Action Bronson has been well documented pissing during his sets. Seems like it would be more of an issue for bands like The Cure of Bruce Springsteen who put on 3 hour+ sets. Are breaks planned for when a set is more than 45 minutes long? Thoughts?
I’ve had some close calls…but more with needing to shit than needing to pee.
The pee thing happened once when I was playing in San francisco. I had been drinking and was drunk enough to forget to empty myself before getting on stage. Normally, if it’s available , I’ll try and get any issues I have with my body fluids out of the way right before I go on. I’d say this practice is pretty typical of most musicians. In fact, the pre-show shit is an oft spoken of topic amongst performers. It’s part nerves and part lightening the load.
Anyway, halfway through the show, I had to piss like a mad man and was considering just peeing into a bottle on stage (I was actually in a booth that night so I could have technically gotten away with it). But, I held out and just bolted to a bathroom after the set was over. The only problem was that people wanted to talk to me as I got off stage. So, if you were one of those people and you’ve been telling your friends that I’m an asshole to my fans for the last 4 years, now you know. I had to pee WAY more than I had to meet you.
As for shit stories, I think I’ve told this one on here before. It was literally my first show ever. I was unbelievably nervous and playing in London in front of like 2000 people. Well, let me amend that. The venue would eventually have 2000 people but I was the opener to the opener and went on when the doors opened. so, it was more like 50 people. Still, it was my first show. I wasn’t aware of the pre-shit show standard so I just went on. typically, if you miss out on the pre show shit, the feeling will go away once you’re on stage. But, this was different. This was not just a pre-show shit ignored, this was also a natural cycle of life shit that would have happened if I was in my house watching TV. So, I’m up there, struggling through an awkward dj set (that’s what my first gigs were) while trying not to shit in my pants. I’m literally turtle heading for the entire second half of the show. I barely made it through and took the most glorious crap of my life.
A reader suggested I check this guy out and I did. The name seemed so familiar. Upon going in and listening to a bunch of tracks, I realized I actually had heard him a while back, liked what I heard but totally never followed up on it. Turns out he had/has a record dropping on Stones Throw. Score another one for minimal promotion and poor word of mouth. I feel your pain, bro.
Anyway, Jon Wayne is another in a long line of good fat white rappers. I don’t know what it is about fat white guys (or gingers) but they seem to have a better success rate than your average skinny white guy. It’s probably a matter of there being SO many normal looking skinny white rappers that when a fat one or a ginger one pops up, they stand out.
He’s from L.a., makes his own beats (which are also really good and interesting) and has much more music out than I have listened to. But , just from snooping around his catalogue, I can tell he’s no novice at this. He strangely sounds kinda like Large professor…but maybe that’s just me. Whatever the case, peep some of his stuff and lemme know what you think:
Man, I don’t have an I-phone. I got an Android. While this phone is perfectly fine and I actually prefer it (it’s got a flip out keyboard cause I hate typing on screens) there are a few downsides. One being that, for the time being, I don’t get to be on Vine. I feel like that shit was made for me. You mean to tell me I can make 7 second videos all day? And they can be ridiculous? I’ve often been known to curse new social networks as they come out , until I eventually join them 4 years after they’re no longer cool but this one? I’d be all over it if I could.
I heard about Vine a while back and didn’t really give it a second thought. In my eyes it would end up being instagram that moves. Meaning endless 7 second cat videos , clips of sunsets and people filming their food while it sits on the plate. It wasn’t until I happened upon these youtube clips that really opened my eyes to how awesome Vine can be. Those clips were a “best/worst of” Dirt nasty AKA Simon Rex. Now, I’m sure many of you out there got no love for him (I’m assuming cause rap nerds tend to hate on funny rap related shit) and, yes, he’s admittedly very low brow and childish but, goddamn did these clips get me rolling. Obviously, these clips will not be for everyone but, for the rest of you, YOU’RE WELCOME.
But it’s not just him…
Let’s not forget about Riff Raff’s Vine. A little more abstract but still entertaining…
This dude Chris Delia is pretty funny too
Obviously , there is so much more but I GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW CAUSE I HAVe A FUCKING ANDROID!!! WHY!!!!!!!!
Just kidding. Save you “first world problems” retort. I’m sure it’ll be on there in no time. And when it is, prepare for the most pointless and questionably funny videos you’ve ever witnessed.
Not gonna lie to you. This week of submissions was preeeeeetty rough. Lots of stinkers up in here. I hope that doesn’t dissuade you from peeping them though. Actually, who knows? For ever person who reads this earnestly with hopes of hearing some cool unknown artist, I’d imagine there’s a few people who simply check it out just to laugh at the musical attempts of others. While you second group are kinda assholes , I understand.
Anyway, in case you’re new to this column, this is where I have readers send me in their music and I review it. so, you know, they asked for it.
If you’re one of those people who , for some reason, wants this to happen to you, I’m afraid the submissions are closed. I’ve got a full queue of songs I still haven’t reviewed so it’ll be a while until I accept new ones. In fact, I’ve been getting submissions from people this past week and I want them to know: I didn’t listen to them. Gotta follow those rules, guys!
So, the reviews are pretty much a brief write up and then I rate the songs on a scale of 1-10 in these categories:
Sounds fun, right? Well, put on your helmet…it’s about to get ugly.
Artist: Mr Boinkin Vs Kritpamystik
Song: Remind the blinded
I will say this. There are a group of people who will LOVE this song. I am not one of them but there is a market for this. Mostly people who are wearing wool hats with political messages on them. The beat is pretty good (though a bit sappy for my taste).
The vocals are also not bad but a little corny. I’d say my biggest issue with the song is that it’s all over the place. Like, what’s going on here? some short vocals, then another instrumental break then that clip of the dude shouting out people? It needs some editing and organization.
Production: 5 out of 10
Vocals: 4.5 out of 10
Listenability: 3.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10
Artist: Train of Thought
song: Are you kidding me
This beat reminds me of some very basic mid 90’s album cut shit. Like half of Big L’s first album had beats similar to this. Now, if you’re into that, then this is great but I always thought those kinda tracks were pretty boring. That said, they execute it well so I’m not mad at it. The rapping just isn’t there yet. Not terrible but lacking any sort of personality that might set it apart from other rappers.
Production: 4 out of 10
Vocals: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 4.5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10
Artist: Pop Gun War
Song: The Magicians
At first I thought this beat was kinda cheap sounding. The drum sounds were fairly amateur but, listening deeper, I seems like that’s what they were going for. There’s some interesting musical things going on but it’s not a pleasurable listen and kinda sloppy (in the sense that it doesn’t really go anywhere). The rapping? It sounds like the MC is actively working to stay on beat. In other words, it’s lacks a natural flow to it. It’s not off beat at all though, it’s just like the dude is not there yet in his comfort level behind the mic.
Production: 4.5 out of 10
Vocals: 3.5 out of 10
Listenability: 3.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10
Song: Un Holy Shit
Well, that was kind of annoying. I get where the artist is trying to go with this. He wants some heavy, epic shit. Problem is every sound he uses isn’t epic. It’s like if you switched out every sound on this song with a better , heavier sound, it would probably achieve what the artist had intended. Also, I fucking hate this kinda music in general so I’m the wrong guy to be reviewing it. The “hail satan” vocal drop did crack me up a little though…
Production: 2.5 out of 10
Listenability: 2 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10
Artist: Defi(g)nition Feat. Holy Omen
Song: Sinister Turnstile
First off, that name…you GOTTA change it. Throwing a parenthetical “g” in the middle of your name is just obnoxious.
So, as for the music, the beat is something I’d hear in my nightmares. Loud, abrasive and just not at all something I’d wanna listen to. The rapping is…well…foreign. This is well worn territory here but I have trouble taking stuff like this very seriously. If it was in a different language, i’d be clueless and give it a pass but hearing english rapped in a thick accent is just strange to me.
Production: 1.5 out of 10
Vocals: 2 out of 10
Listenability: 2 out of 10
Originality:2.5 out of 10
Song: Time Line
Seriously, after all these extra rough demos I’ve heard this week, this one is like a breath a fresh air. From the well crafted , sampled track to the capable rapping. I see the clouds are opening up. So, I feel like I’m reviewing this by comparison.
But, if I may step back from it, the beat is dope as fuck. It definitely is one of those rap songs that’s tipping it’s hat to some 90’s hip hop. No new ground being broke here but it’s nothing if not solid.
Production: 6 out of 10
Vocals: 5.5 out of 10
Listenability: 6.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10
Artist: Right Star
In the beginning, this has a nostalgic feel to it. Like it’s christmas morning in boringtown. Sorry, I had to. It’s not that bad. It takes a strange turn halfway that I’m not really sure matches up well with the first part. They seem like two different moods being kinda forced into each other. Also, for a song that, when you break it down, is really not that eventful, it’s WAY too long. This could have been edited down to 2.50 minutes and it wouldn’t have lost anything.
Production: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10
Artist: On Parchment
Song: Lost it once
It’s been a rough week of demo’s with similar flaws. Annoying beats (though, this beat is way less annoying than some of the others I’ve listened to this week) and rappers who are not bad but just don’t seem like it’s in the nature to be rapping. The second guy on this hits some flows that are decent but then he also gets sloppy at other parts. I relate to that cause that was kinda how I rapped when I used to rap. My favorite part of the whole song is the musical/singing break between the verses and the hook. More of that.
Production: 3.5 out of 10
Vocals: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 3.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10
Artist: Josh E
There’s some interesting sample work in this. Very bugged out and leaning in an interesting direction. The only problem is the drums. They are straight up bad. The kick is okay but every other sound is a really bad factory setting sound. Get new drums sounds and you’ll be onto something good for sure.
Production: 4 out of 10
Listenability: 5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10
Artist: Sam seed the shaggy dog
Song: Weird show
I like and hate things about this demo. I like the sample. I like the rappers basic vibe on the mike. He’s got a personality. I hate the drums and the mix. I don’t hate the rappers lyrics or flow, but they’re not great. He’s definitely a style of substance kinda rapper (at least for the time being). I could see him getting much better with time if he gets a little focus.
Production: 4 out of 10
Vocals: 4.5 out of 10
Listenability: 4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10