Ahhhh…It’s time once again for another installment of “Ask Dr. Tony”.
As always, This is where you, the readers, ask my advice on your fucked up love lives. While I’m not a professional in the slightest, I have been know to give honest advice from a very particular viewpoint (Male, mid 30’s, realist, curmudgeon). If you are in need of such advice, do not hesitate to ask me anything. Send questions to my email: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave the questions in the comment section below. Either way it’s all anonymous (as far as the readers are concerned , at least) so this is a safe place…to humiliate yourself , your friends and your lovers.
This weeks questions are all different but they seem to dance around the same topics. Trust, fidelity and insecurity. While they’re not all related specifically, they’re all major issues in many relationships. So, um, good luck with all that shit. I’ll do what I can…
Dear Dr. Tony,
I recently started dating a guy who is head over heels for me, which he tells me every day.
He’s pretty much everything I want: smart, hilarious, successful, considerate, generous, exciting, confident, respectful, and doesn’t give a fuuuucccckkk. Plus we have insane chemistry and he’s got all the other surface stuff I like (tall, sexy, good in bed, amazing cook, great style). We are similar in nature and values, both want a family, and come from similar backgrounds. I am really happy with him and feel lucky that I met this guy. It took me a few months to finally go on a date with him, but when I finally did we clicked instantly, ended whatever else was going on with other people, and have been together since. He professed his feelings for me soon after, introduced me to his parents, and talks about us in the future. For him, he’s all in. For me, I’m taking my time truly opening up to him because I have a problem with the relationship.
The problem is that he is 7 years younger than me. I’m 36 and he’s 29. Up until this year I never truly felt ready to settle down, but I’m at the natural age where people start thinking about starting a family and all that. Not necessarily with my current boyfriend, but in general. I know from experience that guys need to put their penises in all kinds of people before they start to settle down (mostly because you guys get tired after about 35). I adore him but I’m scared of opening up to someone who will likely realize I’m too old for him. I don’t want to break up with him, but I can’t help but feel like if things were to work out I would be robbing this guy of more experience and I wonder if that would haunt us later down the line. Or am I being ridiculous and love is love?
I’d like to first point out that, while mens libido does begin to wane a little at 35, that doesn’t mean we don’t still want to stick out dicks into everything. I’m rpetty sure that urge lasts well into seniority. Basically , committing to a relationship is acknowledging you won’t do that anymore ,even though your natural instinct is to do it until the seed is spread far and wide. So, if you’re worrying about that and how you’re taking it away his golden years of pussy domination, it’s pointless. It’s like feeling bad for putting a tiger on an all tofu diet. If that tiger is willing to go along with it, it’s really on the tiger.
Anyway, it sounds to me like you’re making excuses and looking for reasons to maybe end this. 29 isn’t a child. Most americans are married with two kids by that age. Granted, most americans are fucking idiots but still…if this dude is all in and not showing signs of letting up, you denying him cause you think he might want to go get more ass one day is just stifling your own well being.
I look at this three ways. On one hand maybe he’s one of those dudes what genuinely wants to settle down with a girl he loves. Those guys do exist. Age isn’t an issue for those guys.
Or he’s a guy who, while he does love you, will hit a wall down the line and things will go astray once he realizes he’s in his early 30’s and married (or whatever) to a women in her 40’s. But, then again maybe he likes older girls? You never know.
Or, he’s somewhere in between (this is what I think most guys are like) and he’s all in but you never know what will happen. Very few things are foolproof in like and relationships are not one of them. So, I say ride it out. worst case you scenario you break up in a year cause it didn’t work out but you could also get married , have a kid and be totally happy. Sabotaging a relationship over things you perceive might possibly happen is just that, sabotage. So, fall back and the let things happen as they do.
Dr. Tony: Do you think more people are cheating than admit it? I’m honestly starting to lose faith in monogamy. I say this because I was with my ex boyfriend for kinda a long time and, regrettably, cheated on him. I felt pretty bad but it became easier each time and he never found out. Also, the guys I cheated with never felt bad for messing with a girl they knew had a girlfriend. I know that sounds horrible but it was when I just started college and my inner slut came out. For now I’m not dating because I’m still not sure if I can be monogamous. The fact that he never found out made me really think “Hey, how many other people are getting away with this shit?”. I mean, ideally we’d all be perfect partners and never even look at another person but it’s human nature to be attracted to people. Now, I’m about to sound like an even more horrible person here but I’ve also been in situations where guys who’ve had girlfriends have hooked up with me. I guess I feel that it’s their problem if I’m the single one but I’m not completely without a conscious, when I see pictures of these couples on Facebook or hang out with them at parties I honestly feel bad. The thing is, these guys seems to not even feel bad about cheating, in fact they even asked to meet up again. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were sleeping with even more women as well. I’ve also been in threesome situations with girls who wanted to give their boyfriend that opportunity to, I guess, get some urges out of them. Is there hope for relationships? Or are the majority of people just assholes who want to be fucked? It’s this dilemma that keeps me from dating again.
Lots of topics to cover here so this may jump around a little.
Off the bat, you sound young. I don’t mean that figuratively (or in a mean way). I mean it sounds like you’re 22 or something. Because of that, I feel like cheating is way more prevalent for you. This is because most young relationships are bullshit. I’m not belittling the feelings young lovers have for one another but , at that age, you’re most likely not emotionally evolved enough to be in a serious relationship. It’s also because your hormones are running wild and there are nothing but options college/post college. When you’re that age, there really aren’t consequences to cheating other than hurting peoples feelings. In general, there aren’t kids, money or a joint living situation involved. So, I’d imagine it’s easier to rationalize cheating to your conscience. While there is certainly an sociopathic element to it, it’s also often just people in bad relationships lashing out OR simply people with a wandering eye and slightly loose morals.
That said, I think, in general, cheating is pretty common. It’s one of those DNA things. People either do or they don’t. Some people have a built in thing that makes them feel so guilty they can’t imagine doing it. Others don’t even blink at the idea of getting their dick sucked and coming home to their happy relationship like nothing happened. I’ve cheated and been cheated on and , in both cases, I was very young. But, once I reached around 30 I kinda decided that wasn’t something I’d do again. Cause anything that’s serious at this age actually has some weight to it, as opposed to two 20 year olds who fuck each other and smoke weed together and call themselves a “couple”.
I’d lend your zeal for cheating to (most likely) being young and not being with the right person. A lot of the time, that’s all it takes. My advice would be don’t get into relationships you’re not sure you wanna be in. There’s nothing wrong with being a sexually active single person. You can do that shit for years if it suits you. You’re only a slut if you feel like a slut. In fact, I encourage everyone to be like that until they’re found someone who actually is right for them.
Lastly, the whole “I give up on dating” bullshit I always hear from girls is comical. I realize very few of them say it with any real intent but it’s corny. Like you motherfuckers ever stop looking. No dude has ever said “I just can’t handle dating anymore!” cause we don’t even think about it like that. Dating is like a series of experiments that people use to find the right solution. There’s a lot of trial and error. In your case, it involves fucking everyone with no regard but that’s still just part of the process. At some point, it’ll all calm down and make sense.
I understand how frustrating it can be but don’t kid yourself like you’re about to take vows of celibacy and become a lady monk or some shit cause you can’t stop cheating. We both know that two weeks will pass , whatever guilt you have will settle and you’ll be back in the bar or on social networks or wherever flirting with some guy you think is cute. The cycle never ends until you actually meet the right person.
Block you answer a lot of life’s problems so here’s another one, and maybe I just need reassurance of my position. But the girl I’m dating pretty seriously has started hanging out with this dude. They smoke together, shoot pool, etc. I’ve only had the “pleasure” of meeting this dude once, and it was after I got off work and my gf had spent the day drinking with him and his friend. You see what I’m getting at, he invites her to parties and etc etc. she hangs out with him when I’m at work but never hits him up lookin for the party or whatever when I’m with her. He obviously wants her and I explained this to her but she says that’s his problem and she’s just hanging out with him cuz no one else is around during the day or whatever. I guess by the time you actually respond to this I’ll most likely have made an effort to hang out with him or argued it out with my girlfriend but what’s your opinion on this, i don’t even know if I really think she’s cheating but she’s at the very least a hypocrite as she probably would flip out if I hung out w a recent ex or something similar. And I explained all of this to her, as well as the fact that she’s making certain impressions on me due to her actions, as well as feeding the fire of this dude thinking he has a chance, which if he’s not banging my girlfriend I actually pity him, having been strung along before. There has to be a question mark somewhere so I guess what would you do in my position block?
Your girl sounds like a piece of shit. There’s something to be said for girls in relationships hanging out with old male friends. Male friends who were around a long time that have established their relationship with them. There’s a whole other side of things though when a “new” male friend pops up. Now, there’s no question this dude is trying or currently fucking your girlfriend. Guys simply don’t just suddenly buddy up with attractive girls simply to have some dope hang seshes. So, off the bat, you know his intentions are shitty.
With your girl, it gets slightly more complicated though. I don’t know if it’s cause some of them delusional or if they’re just lying but girls will swear up and down that they only are “friends” with a guy who is clearly angling to fuck them. While those two things can co-exist, them fronting like the guy would never go there is where I would start to lose my mind. The thing is, I don’t believe girls are that blind. In fact, I know they aren’t. They know when they’re being flirted with and they know when a guy wants to hit it. They know this cause they spend their entire life after they’re period drops fending off men who are trying to fuck them. So, I call bullshit on your girl if she’s playing dumb to any of them.
Also, the whole “you never hang with him” thing is a definite red flag. Her excuse of just hanging out with him cause that’s all she can do is bullshit. Add in that they’re spending the day drinking and smoking together and I’d bet a generous amount of money you’ve kissed her mouth post head session with that guy. I’m sorry dude…but all indicators point to that clearly being the case.
If, somehow, he’s actually not hooking up with her and just hanging for fun, you gotta question her regardless. Girlfriends having male friends is fine. But there’s a line of appropriate behavior that’s being crossed when she spends all day getting fucked up with some other dude. To me, that makes her seem like someone who’s just using this guy for his attention and may reflect on her feeling like she’s not getting enough from you. Who knows?
But, whatever the case, this shit needs to be addressed right away. I know it sucks to be the sucker who confronts his girl about this kinda thing cause it’s a very insecure action but, from what you’ve told me, she’s given you ample reasons to be concerned.
Just be prepare for her lies cause , much like the winter in Game of Thrones, they’re coming.