It’s once again time to play the age old game of Fuck/marry/kill. I like to think the cavemen played this game (with slightly different rules and way more killing).
Just to clarify, these are all reader submitted options that I apply my rational brain powers to figuring out who I would kill, fuck or marry. As always, I must remind you, it’s not that serious and I’m painfully aware that, in most of these cases, all the participants would rather be killed than have sex or marry me. I accept that. But, it’s a fun game and giving deep thought to something this dumb is usually a good time.
Also, feel free to write in more options. Leave them in the comment section below. I’m always looking for new ones.
So, let’s get into this weeks batch.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Maureen, Janet, and Latoya Jackson.
This is tougher than it seems cause every time I see a picture of Janet recently, she’s seems to be vacillating between looking like amazing and looking like a shaved down version of Mephistopheles from the Cats musical. Those jacksons sure do love tight face skin! But, even with that uncertainty of what I might be getting, the fact still remains that, when it was all said and done, I could say I fucked Janet Jackson. I’d say that’s pretty much worth. I got a friend who made out with Bjork once and he’s a legend in my eyes. But if i knew a dude who boned Janet Jackson? Free drinks for life. Even if it was the old shaved cat person version of her.
Was there ever a question? I feel like her crazy ass would hand me the weapon to do it. There was a brief moment when I thought Latoya was hot. That would be when she posed in playboy and I was 13 years old. That was also an era when I probably could have successfully masturbated to a bra ad in a seats catalogue. Well, times change and life has been rough on ol’ Latoya. For one, her face is all stretched out and she looks like what would happen if you mixed the show “227” with the show “The walking dead”. So, in a way, I’d be killing something that has, in all likelihood, been dead inside for years now. And that, my friend, makes for a guilt free kill.
Not gonna lie. I had to google her. And to my surprise, she was kinda hot. But, beyond all that, she’s not famous. That alone would give me hope she’s not a crazy person like her two sisters. While that may be wishful thinking, at least it’s a possibility. So, on the off chance she’s not a complete lunatic, I thee wed.
Fuck/Marry/Kill, the “misogynist” edition:A girl that does your laundry,A girl that does the dishes, A girl that knows how to make a mean sandwich
Marry: A girl who knows how to make a mean sandwich
I just wanna remind people that I don’t make these options up. These are submitted by readers. so, you know, don’t kill the messenger.
Anyway, I live a food based life. When I travel, I could care less about seeing important parts of the places I visit or learning about their history. All I care about it where the good food is. This is a focal point of my life. So, without question, I’m wifing up the super sandwich maker. Did you know that sandwiches are the perfect food? Well, now you do. Cause they are.
Fuck: Girl that does the dishes
I can do my own dishes…but it’s definitely one of those things I’ll let linger until it nears the point of chaos. I mean, who the fuck likes doing dishes? So, a girl who does the dishes would be a nice short term thing. I don’t need it, but it’s appreciated. Do my dishes, gurlll.
Kill: Girl that does Laundry
When you have a “job” like mine, days at home are often filled with very little structure. Outside of writing this blog 5 times a week, I do crave some order and continuity in my life. Doing Laundry is one of those things that regulates my lifestyle. This is gonna infuriate those of you with real jobs but, for me, knowing I’m gonna do laundry is something I kinda look forward to. Not cause I enjoy it but because it’s an activity that, when it’s finished, I feel as if the day is not lost. It’s a small accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. Oh, you worked 10 hours today and filed some papers and shit? Well, I did my laundry. Feeling good about it too! So, for that reason, I’ll kill a bitch quick if she tries to do my laundry.
F/M/K: Ashley benson, selena gomez, vanessa hudgens
Kill: Selena Gomez
This is me being a bigger man. I don’t wanna kill Selena gomez. She seems sweet (i guess) and she’s very cute BUT she also looks like she’s literally 13 years old. I can’t , in good conscience , fuck or marry her. Even if she is technically legal for all that. Part of me considered marrying her cause she will, without question , age the best of all these girls but I’d still feel like a creep about it. Also, another part of me wanted to fuck her cause there is simply no way Justin Beiber put it down right and following that would be a joy. But, again, it would be weird looking down at her and seeing those big ass fawn eyes looking up at me. I’m just not pedo enough to ride that one out.
So, consider this a mercy killing.
Fuck: Vanessa Hudgens
This was tough. To be honest, both Hudgens and Benson are fantastic fuck candidates. I choose Hudgens for this cause I feel like it was the role she was born to play. Prior to “Spring breakers” I knew very little about her outside of her being super hot and that she leaked nude pictures a few years ago. But, with all the viral buzz of “Spring Breakers” I was exposed to her in a different life. I saw her in interviews. I got to see her speak. It was via that , that realized she’s the epitome of “Fuck” in this game. Why? Because she’s a hot girl who kinda sucks. She seemed pretty vapid and , more than anything, kind of a moron. Very valley girl-ish. So, really, when combined with her looks, she was built for this lane. And I would not complain one iota.
Marry: Ashley Benson
I really don’t know much about her. She’s a typical hot blonde. Certainly the type of girl I’ve never been able to bag in my real life. Is she cool? is she fun? No clue. She’s an actress so I’d probably guess she’s pretty awful in real life but it’s not my job to speculate. I think she sorta lands in the marriage category by default. So, it would be one of those “Let’s see what happens!” situations. One thing is certain though, she’d probably cheat on me.
fuck/marry/kill: coffee, tea, hot chocolate
I’m a tea drinker, bro. Come at me! I like it hot, I like it cold. I like green tea, I like the fruity crap and I’m down for a black tea. It’s all good to me. Flavored water via bag of dirty leaves. Genius idea. This is a no brainer as, in many ways, I already feel married to tea.
Fuck: Hot chocolate
Anyone who would not “fuck” hot chocolate in this situation is mad suspect to me. You’re either a total fat ass or one of those people who hates chocolate. In both cases, get you mind right.
I love hot chocolate…but I’ll be damned if it’s not one of the more situational beverages of all time. Come August, I’m not fucking with a hot chocolate. But there are also times I crave it on a level that I will go to great lengths to find a decent cup. So, because it’s somewhat of a specialty drink, it’s clearly not something I could have with any regularity. So, I’mma fuck it.
How mad are you right now, coffee people? So mad.
Hear me out.
I don’t dislike coffee. While I do think black coffee tastes like charred after birth, add some cream and sugar and it’s pretty fucking delicious. Also, coffee ice cream is one of my favorites. However, I’m a sensitive pussy. Caffeine fucks me up. I drink coffee and my heart starts racing and it feels like I may have a panic attack (though I never do). Hell, it’s the same reasoning that had kept me from ever doing cocaine. I’m simply not cut out for the boost. So, this is less about me disliking coffee and more about how that shit is just too much for me. Also, if you’re thinking “But what about decaf?” go fuck yourself. I don’t drink or eat things that are substitutions for they’re superior natural incarnations. Same reason I’ll never eat a tofu pup or drink diet soda. If you’re gonna be about something, be about it. Otherwise you’re just drinking/eating the greatly inferior pussified version and that’s just lame.