Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see

I’m a fan of movies. I’ve seen many of them over the years. I’m just like you!
But, I’m also an asshole who is prone to sweeping generalizations and flash opinions on things I know very little about. The thing is, I’ve found my gut reaction to many things (movies, music, humans) to typically be pretty on point. So, I figured it might be fun to review some movies I’ve never seen and never plan to see based entirely on their previews. I feel like this is something that has been done before but I can’t quite put my finger on where. Regardless, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. Maybe i’m just “sampling” that original idea. Yeah…that works…

After earth

Besides my completely baseless deep disdain for Jaden Pinkett Smith, the first thing that pops out at me in this trailer is Will Smiths Accent. Not only does it change throughout the few previews I’ve seen but it goes from being a normal US accent to sounding like morgan freeman in south africa. Is that how we will all talk in the far off future? Also, will we all dress like that too? Movies have been trying to get us to believe that all fashion will be lycra tights based forever now and I just don’t see it. We gonna run out of cows on whatever new planet we end up on? Surely we’d take the cows with us. Hamburgers are far too important to society.
Also, if I’m not mistaken, this is the second movie where will smith and his son have played father and son. The first was that one about them being homeless or whatever. I dunno. I didn’t see that piece of shit either. I saw a clip on cable once and they were both crying in a bus station bathroom so I switched the channel. But, regardless, I’m trying to figure out if he makes these movies as a platform for his kid to become famous or if he’s just kinda using these movies as therapy to help him wade through a distant and murky relationship with a child he probably thinks is a dipshit. Tough call. It should also be noted that this is yet another movie where Will Smith plays a dude isolated in a barren wasteland fighting off its violent inhabitants (“I am Legend” being the other). We get it, guy , you’re a bad ass. But you also wear way too much lip balm so slow your roll.
Anyway, this movie looks like like jumanji in space if space was earth. Fuck all that noise.

Fast and Furious 6

This is the #1 movie in the USA right now. I’ve never seen an entire Fast and Furious movie. I’ve seen parts and it did nothing for me. I don’t wanna come off as one of those people who scoffs at mindless action movies…cause I’m not. “Judge dredd” was easily one of my favorite movies from last year. The thing is, I don’t give a shit about car chases. I don’t give a fuck about car tricks and cool driving. Car culture, in general, bores the shit out of me. It’s just not my bag. If I’m watching an action movie, I’m looking for violence and creative killings. That’s it. I can take only so many shots of a car flipping in slow motion before I check out. I’d set the bar higher but these kinda movies are churned out with scripts so bad they might as well have been written by a 3rd grader who’s only experience with cars is slamming his hot wheels together. I get that that is the point and the films aren’t there to be evaluated on the same level as ,say, an actual good movie. That fine. All i ask of a movie like that is to be self aware. Accept that you’re a piece of shit and throw me a wink every now and then. Does fast and the furious do that? I have no clue. If they do, I apologize and take everything I just wrote back. From the previews, it looks like everyone is pretty fucking serious and “cool”. I take issue with Vin Diesel acting all cool and shit when he looks like a tired turtle. On the other hand, The Rock is pretty much the greatest action star ever so I suppose there is hope.

White house down
Olympus has fallen

There was a while ago (let’s call it “The 80’s”) when like 4 different movies came out at once all about kids switching bodies with adults and the hijinks that ensued. That was the first time I noticed that trend in hollywood where , out of nowhere, various different studios will apparently get the same script and say “fuck it!” and all make a movie about the same thing. So, this month, two movies about a direct attack on the white house came out. Both look equally dumb so really, if you’re trying to choose between the two, it’s a choice between Channing Tatum and Gerard Butler. So, basically, younger women will see “white house down” and older women will see “Olympus has fallen”. I’m assuming that’s who are horny for Gerard Butler but i could be mistaken.
For men, I’d imagine you’re either all in or you don’t care. I mean, seriously, you either love this kind of crap or it’s white noise.
The thing about movies like this is that you know how they’re gonna end before they begin. The president lives and the rough and tumble underdog guy saves the day. So, the excitement is the road it takes to get there. It’s not like on some “Zero Dark 30” shit (Which i also haven’t seen yet) where the story of how it went down is probably highly compelling (and somewhat based in reality). This looks like Die hard in the white house. In fact, I’m fairly certain that’s what the cover sheet of the script said. But, I’m afraid there is only one Die hard. Oh wait, there are like 6 of them…but still, they’ve all been made already.
Also, in the case of , “white house down” , if your preview BRAGS of a movie being made by the same person who made “Independence day” , “2012” and “The day after tomorrow” you truly grasping for straws. That’s like having “Multiple time Acquitted date rapist with only minor STD’s!” in your OK cupid profile.

Now you see me

Hey, you know what’s REALLY cool? Magic. Even cooler? Magicians. Even cooler than that? Jesse Eisenberg playing a cool guy. This movie just keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know they’re gonna throw in a mime and some jugglers with a license to kill. I bet David Blaine watches this preview with tears in his eyes.
Making a movie about cool illusionists is like making a movie about Magic the gathering dudes who get tons of pussy. I suppose the suspension of belief is what movies are all about though so that’s something to consider.
Side note, I was in a restaurant the other day and Jesse Eisenberg came in. Yo, he’s HUGE. Like 6’4” and crazy broad. Just kidding. He’s a tiny hunch back who wears wool hats in hot weather and sunglasses indoors.

23 thoughts on “Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see

  1. has their ever been a good summer block buster? the title “white house down” reminds of the sci fi channel, how they blatantly copy a major film and slightly change the title. like instead of transFORMERS its transMOPHERS… the sci fi verison olympus has fallen and white house down should be “AMERICA EXPLODES” staring lorenzo lamis.

  2. Glad I’m not the only one who makes these sweeping generalizations. Only problem with that is when you’re dead wrong and miss out on something unexpectedly awesome. Think Ted. Do not like Family Guy, American Dad, or Seth McFarland in general. (Cleveland show’s kinda funny tho) It has a talking teddy bear that sounds exactly like Peter from Family Guy (and almost every other character he creates). Throw that in with Marky Mark’s comedic acting chops and I was out. I was also wrong.

  3. I don’t live in the states, and every time I see another huge budget Hollywood movie based heavily on American Patriotism i wonder if the government actually commissioning these things. What we need is another Team America to take the piss out of all that. Maybe I think that just cuz most people I’ve met (including me) find American nationalism hilarious. That’s people outside the states, though. What’s it like living there? Does anyone make fun of patriotism?

    • Nobody makes fun of Patriotism. People lose their shit when an American has anti-American sentiments. I don’t think the government commissions these kinds of films anymore, I just think they’re the natural progression and the offspring of the Pro-USA movies of the past, which were paid for by the government. Propaganda is alive and well in the US and it’s extremely effective especially when it comes to preventing people from criticizing the Government or the “troops.”

      • Umm…Don’t know if i agree with this.
        While i agree that anti-american sentiments are frowned upon within the US, I also think that people think the entire system is bullshit and questioning every minute detail is pretty common. I’ve made fun of patriotism…but not in a “HAHAHA THOSE SOLDIERS DIED!” kinda way. More in a “look at that dipshit with american flags all over his lawn” kinda way.

    • if you dont see olympus has fallen and white house down and like them…your a terriost.

      U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A

      patriotism in americas like a pep rally from high school. some people get fired up, but most dont care. were still number 1 thou!

      • A lot of people don’t care, but if we’re talking propaganda, the people that do care are the vocal ones. Obviously if you don’t care you won’t say shit. That Adam Levine dude muttered some shit about hating the country people were saying he should be deported. The point of propaganda is to silence the critics. You either don’t give a shit or you do but you can’t be critical because your voice is smothered by a thousand people who think that criticizing the military means you hate our troops. Movies like White House Down make members of the military seem like supermen, but they’re usually some kid trying to get money for school.

  4. To the guy saying Ted was unexpectedly awesome; you are dead wrong. That piece of shit was possible the worst/most embarrassing movie I have ever watched.

    • I’mma play sensible middle guy here and say the movie was neither as bad as you think it was or as good as the other guy thinks it was. It had some funny parts but it also missed a lot. Typical seth mcfarlane shit if you ask me. But it certainly wasn’t awful.

      • Count me as someone who hates everything Seth MacFarlane related (Except Cleveland show in small amounts… and a few of the Family Guy “remember that time when” clips.)

        Ted got a pass because of Mila Kunis, and the preview where Marky Mark lists white-trash girl names… I hate to admit it… but I liked the movie, and I’ll probably watch it again.

  5. You should make this a regular blog topic. I love clowning on movie previews.

    How can you like that Judge Dredd movie though? That was one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time. I almost turned it off several times.

    • I think this will be a reoccurring column for sure.
      As for judge dredd, it was perfect for what it was. Minimal plot. No love story. It looked great. It was ultra violent (and creatively so). That’s all it needed to be. If you didn’t like it, you must not like violent movies cause it’s a masterpiece in that respect. you sure you’re not talking about the older sly stallone version? Cause that did indeed suck major cock.

      • No, I was talking about the new Judge Dredd. Minimal plots are OK sometimes, but this one was just non-existent. They both suck equal amounts of major cock.

      • I will just have to wholeheartedly disagree with you on that one. A movie that’s all action (good action I might add) and actually shot with some style? I’m in. Do you also hate fun?

  6. As much as i agree with this, the truth is that the Hollywood industry is trying to make as much money as possible, so they can make more movies like these, because obviously people ARE watching them, or they wouldn’t… the vicious cycle of 21st century consumerism.

  7. “That fine.” Sorry. It was glaring at me in the middle of your accurate assessment of all the Fast & Furious films. The insights into Will Smit’s father/son relationship were probably both spot on. I was thinking the same thing about the White House Down trailer as well. From the people that brought you those huge piles of shit; Independence Day & 2012. Alright. Can’t wait to not see those.

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