Ask Dr. Tony Vol 27

Hello again!
The Dr. is once again in and this week is a special “all questions from ladies” edition. I didn’t plan it like that but, apparently, hoes got questions this week.
If you’re new to this column, it’s pretty simple. Readers send me questions about their shitty love lives and I try my best to give them an honest perspective. No point in me lying. I don’t know you people and have absolutely no stake in your lives. So, this is all unfiltered advice from a man with no background in anything remotely clinical.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in , please email me any questions of the heart you may have. Send them to or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous so don’t hold back. Also, I’m running low on questions so, if you like this column, send me more. I can’t do this without questions.
Anyway, here’s this week debacles.

Hey i just broke up with my lover becos of my weight issue everytime we walk togeather people make gest of us and due to this fact i broke up with him and without telling him the main reason why i did so and now my conscience is judging me wht do i do

First off, from one person with terrible spelling skills and even worse grammar to another , get it together. Did you write this while free falling from a crashing plane?
Secondly, calling someone your “lover” is just plain creepy. But, more than that, there is a difference between a “lover” and a boyfriend. If this person was literally just your lover, then I assume all you guys shared was something sexual. If that’s the case, you’re allowed to break that off whenever you want. In fact, sparing that person’s feelings by not saying “Hey fattie, I broke up with you fat ass cause your a fat fat ass!” is definitely a nice move. If this is a person you were actually involved with on a deeper level, while it may sting and paint you as a shallow piece of shit, a little honesty might be a good idea. Now keep in mind, this is me telling you to do that. I can’t say I’d actually do that myself cause, damn, that’s cold blooded. But on paper, it seems like the right thing to do.
But beyond all that vague advice I just gave, are you really gonna break up with someone cause of that other people think? I mean, if his fatness bothers you, then that’s one thing but if it’s the jokes made by strangers fueling your break up, who gives a shit? Also, do you like in an 80’s movie locker room or something? This dude would have to be EXTREMELY obese for people (strangers!) to feel comfortable enough to openly mock in public and, even then, who does that in 2013?
Maybe you like fat dudes? If so, I say enjoy it. I was talking to a friend the other day about how awesome it would be to have a fetish where you were attracted to people that other people might not typically be into. Like, to be into fat girls? Holy shit! I’d have my pick of the litter. And, beyond that, they’re generally nicer people than skinny people. But, unfortunately, genetics wired me (and most other people) differently. Oh well…maybe in another lifetime.

For the past year I haven’t had the best luck on the “dating” scene. Every guy I met either is a dick or I find something stupid wrong with them. For example: there was creepy dude with a rapist vibe who yelled at our waitress, the military guy who left me in a fucking corner for four hours while he went off with his friends on our date, and the guy who secretly had a boyfriend when he got with me. Not girlfriend, boyfriend. Wtf. On the flipside, the guys who are really into me I end up thinking they’re too feminine, slightly too old, are a little too chubby, have hips like a woman, or some ridiculous shit like that. I’m at a point where I’m just like AHHHHH what is wrong with me! Is it weird to be picky like that and want someone who meets all the criteria I’d like? Or do you think that’s impossible? I honestly wish I was less superficial and would just go for the nice chubby guy for once. In fact, one recently asked me about and I enjoy talking to him but I’ve yet to agree to go out because I’m afraid the date will be awkward and I won’t be as attracted to him (I think he’s cute but I kinda psych myself out just waiting for a dude to have flaws). Plus, my friends are probably more superficial than I am and I’m afraid they wouldn’t approve. Yeah, fuck them. So, basically, I need an opinion if I should be less picky, or advice on how to be less picky so I can go for the guys who are actually nice to me. Or do I keep waiting for someone super hot and nice? Would you date someone that lacks in one area if they make up for it in another? I feel like I’m in such a dating slump. Dating sucks, but I’m past the point where I can just hook up with a guy and call it a day. Also, I know I have probably have some issues.

I’m afraid no person can force themselves to be less superficial. I mean, they can try…but at their core they’re always gonna feel like they’re settling. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to. I know a ton of girls who are in their 30’s and single right now , dating well below their standards cause they’re trying to give it all a chance. While that’s valiant of them, I also think it’s leading them towards being unhappy cause they will most likely settle for the wrong dude. I suppose , for many women, the fear of being alone is way scarier than the fear of being with the wrong guy. Which is crazy but, hey, do you ladies.
While part of this is high standards (or petty grievances) I gotta think there is an element of you putting walls up. I dunno what happened to you in the past (if you’ve been routinely fucked over, cheated on or your dad was an asshole) but it’s not uncommon for people who’ve been through that kinda shit to put up a forcefield.
That or you have a fucked up radar that only makes you attracted to shitheads , unavailable men and lunatics. You wouldn’t be the first girl with that problem.
Another thing that you might wanna take stock in is yourself. Are you hot? Really? People always talk about having high standards but I feel like the often overlook their own pay grade. Maybe you’re dating mediocre looking guys cause you are in fact also mediocre. I’m not firing shots at you specifically (as I don’t know you or what you look like) but part of dating is having grasp of your range. When i was single, I knew there were girls that were out of my league. So, I didn’t bother with them. I have a feeling this is more of a guy problem than a girl problem though so it may be off base a little. Still, I’ve seen some 3’s turndown handsome charming guys on some “As if!” shit and it blows my mind. Basically, all I’m saying is a little honest self awareness never hurt anyone.

Blockhead! It’s the year 2013 and i’m a 21 year old virgin. Should I be proud? ashamed? I’m not ugly nor the “saving myself until marriage” type of girl.. Just waiting till I meet a guy I actually wouldn’t mind having sex with.
What are your thoughts on virgins nowadays?
Is there an age limit where it’s like “Holy shit just get it over with already!” ?
What’s the difference between male/female virgins?
Have any friends who are still virgins?

I don’t think you should be proud or ashamed. Holding on to your virginity for non-religious reasons is one of those things that I tend to think the person doing it makes too big a deal about. It either becomes a badge of honor or a scarlet letter (but a scarlet letter of purity shame). In both cases, I personally think it’s stupid. You wanna wait to meet the person of your dreams before you have sex? Good for you. Good luck. Just understand that , when it comes down to it, sex isn’t THAT important. Sure, it’s how we as a human race continue but it’s also something fun that people do for no reason. It’s like eating fine food. We don’t have to do it and we don’t need it…we could eat millet all day and drink enriched yogurt paste to survive. But, instead, every now and then, you want something that you enjoy.
I might also add that there’s a good chance that the guy you give it away to won’t be the guy you end up with. And for your sake, I hope not cause , if you enjoy sex, you’re gonna wanna try it with multiple people.
I’m not saying go out and fuck the first guy who buys you a drink but don’t hold on to your virginity just cause of some fairy tale ideals you’ve created. When your comfortable with the idea, have sex. It’s pretty simple. And, it’s the type of thing that once you are enjoying , you’ll wonder why you ever waited past 10th grade. This was all advice given to you by a person who does not have a daughter, clearly. If i did , this entire answer would be “Stay a virgin forever! daddy loves you!”.
As for the other questions, 21 isn’t that old to still be a virgin. I’d say things get dicey for women towards the late 20’s. If I meet a normal girl who is a virgin and 28 years old, I assume she’s got issues. As for men, If you haven’t fucked by 25, there is either something wrong with you or you’re really not trying. I say this cause , as men, we (for the most part) actively pursue sex. Sure, there are going to be plenty of older male virgins who read this who are wildly offended and will say shit like “Sex isn’t this or that…blah blah blah” but know that those dudes are either simply not into the idea of sex at all or scared of vagina. Also, a 35 year old male virgin talking about sex like he knows what’s going on is one of the sadder things you will encounter. That said, I guarantee someone will be butthurt about this in the comments section of this post. Also know that while they certainly do exist, they are not the majority. Sorry guys. You aren’t. But, by all means, go on living that life if it makes you happy. Don’t have sex on my account.
And, no, I don’t have any friends who are virgins. I’m 36. That would be fucking weird.

A few weeks ago I went out with my friend just for one drink but then, surprise surprise, we ended up going to a night club. Anyway I was a bit drunk, but not too much. I was dancing on the dance floor and then this guy came up and started dancing with me. I didn’t even see what he looked like but kept on dancing. Then I guess I went for a cigarette and left the guy there. At one point of the evening I spontaneously hugged some one from behind on the bar counter and it turned out it was the same guy I had been dancing with. We talked for a while but then I decided it was time for me to go home. We hadn’t even introduced ourselves to each others, but then the next morning I got a text message and it was from him. So he had unraveled my name and number. We agreed that he would come pick me up and we would go to the seaside. We ended up spending five hours together and then he returned me to my home. After a half an hour he sent me a message to tell me good night. The next three days he texted me every evening to ask me how my day had been and stuff. On the fourth day we were both out drinking with our own friends and the he came to the same bar where I was, just because he wanted to see me. We exchanged our first kiss on that evening and had a good time and left at the same time. Then he asked me if I wanted to come spend the night with him. I hesitated for a while and told him that I was afraid of just being a bandaid (he has broken up with his girlfriend after two years about a month ago, at that time it had been just two to three weeks) and he told me it’s nothing like that. I also told him that I didn’t want it to be all about sex, so he said it didn’t have to and that he just wanted to spend the night with me, it didn’t matter if we had sex or not. He had been living together with this ex girlfriend and after the break up he went back to living with his parents. I didn’t want to see his parents in the morning and told him so, so he asked me if I wanted to go to their cottage. It was fine by me so we took a cab and went there. Things got pretty hot when we went to bed and you know.. I had a really good time with him and he told me he likes me. The first time he said it I just answered that it was nice to hear it. Then the other time he said: “seriously, I really like you” and then I said it back to him. I was really happy ’cause it has been a loooong time since someone has told me that. The next morning we walked to his house (it was about 1,5 miles away from their cottage) to get the car and he drove me back to my house. After a couple of hours he sent me a text asking if my parents had asked me about where I had been for the night and stuff. We texted the whole day but the next day I didn’t hear anything from him before I asked him where he was (we were both drinking with our friends again). Then my friends and I went to the same night club I had met him for the first time and he was there too. I saw him and said hi but he was acting like he didn’t even notice me. I got really sad and angry because well, I thought he had got what he wanted from me and I didn’t matter anymore. Then at some point of the evening we went for a cigarette and I asked him why he was acting like that. He didn’t seem to think he had done something wrong (he was quite drunk) and then I decided not to care and to go get wasted too. I didn’t see him after that except for when it was time to leave and I was hanging outside the bar with my friends. I went to talk to him again and then we decided to go get some food and he came over at my place. We ended up having sex again. I asked him to leave before my parents woke up and he left at 7:30 AM. The next day we met again and went for a ride outside the town. We didn’t really talk about what had happened last night and it kind of bothered me but I thought it was better not to talk about it, I really don’t know why.. Since then he hasn’t texted me on his own initiative, only to answer my texts. I called him once last week to ask him what he was doing but he said he is very busy with his work for a few days and we agreed that he would call me when he had time for me. For the weekend I was out of town but he called me on saturday/sunday night. We were both drunk then and he asked me where I was, I told him I was out of town and he asked me if I would call him when I was back in town. Since I hadn’t heard of him at all for a few days I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to call him at all anymore and he sounded really angry ’cause I said so and hung up the phone. For a few minutes I was like “what have I done, I don’t want this to end like this” and decided to call him. He answered and we started talking. I told him that I hadn’t expected anything of him, since he had broken up lately but that I was a bit confused ’cause he hadn’t been in touch with me anymore since he had been texting me every evening before that. He told me that he really has been busy with his work and that he hasn’t had time for anything else than his work. He also told me that he had been thinking about me and thinking about texting me but he didn’t know why he hadn’t. He said he is not fully recovered from the break up yet but that he still likes me. I told him that my biggest concern is if he has some other girls in the picture at the same time and he told me that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else than me. I have trust issues since the last time I went out with somebody, we had agreed not to date anyone else but he had betrayed me and dated several other girls on the side. I told him that too. It’s really sad that I can’t trust this guy because he hasn’t done anything for me not to trust him but still… I told him my feelings and that we didn’t have any rush and could take things slow and see each others like just once a week. We wouldn’t have to mix our friends or anything and the only thing we would have together was the time we would spend with each others. We didn’t end up having a conclusion to the situation and now it’s been four days and I haven’t heard of him. I haven’t called him or texted him or anything, ’cause I thought I’d give him some time and space. I was thinking about texting him next week when it has been closer to two weeks of not hearing anything about him, unless he gets in touch with me. I’m just really confused and don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t think I’ve been doing anything really wrong here so please help me, is he just playing with me or what the hell? I don’t necessarily want to start a relationship with him or anything, but it would be nice to have someone in the picture. Just someone to casually hang out with. But just one. Should I just let this go or try to take it easy and see where it leads?

If you text anything like you write, perhaps his texting plan couldn’t handle a relationship with you? Just kidding (kind of).
To be honest, I think your original worrisome thought of “he just got out of a relationship” was spot on. It sounds to me like he doesn’t know what he really wants and , most likely, goes through different mind sets on a weekly basis. He knows he wants to have sex with you…but he also just got out of a relationship and you guys already talking about relationship-esque stuff is probably a big turn off. It’s without a doubt partially his fault that he’s in this position as he was the one sending sweet texts and willing to take it relatively slow. You were really just following his lead. but, to be blunt, he was also trying to close the deal with a new girl for the first time since a long break up. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to be a gentlemanly scum bag yet.
My guess is that all he wants is simplicity. No arguments. No talks about “us”. Just something fun and casual. That’s all any guy who just got out of a relationship wants. I doubt he’s looking for a new girlfriend this soon (though, it wouldn’t be unheard of). So, he most likely just felt the need to create some space between you too to temper any grand ideas you might have concerning your relationships future. I’m not sure if that means he’s put a cap on how far the relationship could go or if he just actually needs time but, whatever it is, I’d say it’s safe to just leave the keys in his hands. If he calls, react accordingly. If he doesn’t, fuck him (not literally). But, more than anything, if this is not what you want, remove yourself from the equation. It’s way too early to be getting upset with a guy when you’re not even in a committed relationship. You’ve got nothing to lose by simply asking him straight up where you stand with each other.

11 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol 27

  1. Yo tony I think you fucked up the fat girl one. Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought she said she was the one with a weight issue?

  2. Just a short correction on the first point (with no real connection to the issue itself): It is actually not (only) genetics that wired you to not be attracted to overweight girls, but more likely culture and upbringing. From a “natural” point of view, mating with women with extensive fat on their hips actually makes (or rather: made, since our animal times are long gone) more sense, since those are more likley to survive hard winters and are as such able to bring up the children. Also, even later on, it was a sign of wealth to be able to be overweight, so it was a rather sought after trait in searching for a fitting bride. There are still cultures, in which being overweight is actually a sign of attractivness. But our culture shifted away from that image of beauty to rather skinny girls in the last 1000 years, so that is probably why youare now not attracted to fat girls. But then again, if it were the other way around, most men then would prefer those, and you would have the same problem again. Just saying.

  3. My note about male virgins in their mid 20s: when I went to college that shit was like catnip. Not to all girls, obviously, but a lot of them got pretty aggressive when they found out I was a virgin (I didn’t brag about it but I was honest, and shit spreads in a dorm). I wasn’t really “saving my self” but I did want it to be with someone I cared about and that just hadn’t happened yet. After my first year in school the girls rubbing their titties on me and stroking my thighs had convinced me I cared about them and the jig was up. May not be the case for all guys, but if you make it through that shit still a virgin there is definitely something off.

  4. I feel like that last dude just wanted some pussy and played the just stay the night with me card, which clearly worked, then ignored you and saw you were still pursuing him and swung back thru for seconds. Honestly you met this nigga in the dark at the club so I doubt you really have a connection at all.

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