Welcome to another stunning edition of “Fuck/Marry/kill” (read in Gordon Ramsey voice). Just a heads up, there are some NSFW pics coming up so be prepared to shut off your browser if your nosey boss/teacher starts looming.
in case you’re new to this game and/or this blog/universe, this is where readers send me in three names. I pick which one I would fuck, which one I would kill and which one I would marry and then explain why. Let’s assume there is a gun to my head and these are my only options. It’s a simple game being played by an even more simple man. If you’ve got any ideas for future F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section below. Just try and be creative cause I’m 24 volumes deep into this shit now and there’s a good chance I’ve already fucked, married or killed whoever you’re thinking of. Anyway, on with the shit show…
F/M/K: children’s hospital Edition: lake bell, erinn hayes, malin akerman
Fuck: Malin Akerman
Much like me, Malin Akerman has a big ass head. For that reason alone, us breeding would probably be a bad idea. The last thing the world needs is a another human that looks like a bobblehead doll. So, I’m not trying to marry her. However, she is a very hot girl who likes getting naked in her movies. This leads me to believe she’s a somewhat sexually liberated person. Every had sex with someone who’s “sexually liberated”? They let you do stuff. So, for that reason alone, I’m going with her to have sex with. Big head and all.
She’s pretty. Without question. But sometimes a girl will remind you of someone else and it’ll be a big turn off. In her case, she reminds me of a girl I went to college with for one year. She was this ratty punk girl who had a big crush on me and was always very “forward” about it. While this sounds like a lay-up, sadly, I was not attracted to her. She had this really manly jaw line. A jaw line so manly, she was nicknamed “Goatjaw”. Yeah…it’s fucked up. I didn’t even come up with that name but it’s what we referred to her as. So, sadly, Mrs. Hayes reminds me of Goatjaw so I’m afraid she’s gotta be taken out back and slaughtered. Perhaps made into a jamaican stew or something.
Marry: Lake Bell
On the surface, Lake bell is a flawed but pretty jewess. But, being a man who watched that shit show “How to make it in america” on HBO, I know things that some of you may not know. Primarily, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRLS BODY?!?!?! Holy shit. I have never been more shocked by a nude scene in my life. I’m watching this scene and she pops her top off and…Silence. But you might be thinking “Okay, her body is next level but that’s no reason to marry her!”. You are correct. Beyond all that, she seems like a girl I’d get along with. A new york jew type. My people (not that I’m particularly jewish but I get along well with NY jew types). So, that plus the body? WIFED.
ATTENTION: IT’s about to NSFW up in the bitch!
F/M/K:Chick with a perfect (whatever that means to you) ass and nothing else good, A chick with perfect titties and nothing else good, A chick with a perfect face and nothing else good. (they all have great personalities, no kids, no baggage, etc.)
(This one’s for the feminists! just kidding but never forget that I don’t make these up. They’re submitted by my readers.)
This is a brutal choice. Cause I’m imagining a gargoyle with perfect breasts. I think I chose this cause while, as awesome as perfect tits are, they don’t dictate other body parts. You can have perfect tits and the rest of your body might look like a bean bag chair. What I’m saying is that tits are often deceiving. I know plenty of guys who are obsessed with them who’ve gone home with girls cause they wore the right shirt that night, only to wake up realizing they just hooked up with this:
Never a good look.
(This was the girl scientifically proven to have the “Perfect face”, fyi. Not sure if I agree but that was a real study that happened)
The thing about a perfect face is that you can work with it. It ages well. Certain types of beauty can last a long time. A dope body will eventually fail us all. But a face? It’s got legs. Also, considering that , in both the other cases, we could potentially be dealing with snaggle toothed pirate wenches, the idea of marrying someone you’d actually want to kiss is appealing. It’s not like you can just marry some tits or only give your beloved wife backshots for her entire life. Sometimes, you might actually wanna look her in the eyes. So, the face gets married.
Fuck: Perfect ass
I mentioned earlier how tits don’t dictate other body parts. well, asses do. A perfect ass is NEVER connected to a disgusting torso. It just isn’t. So, by having a perfect ass, I’m guaranteed a nice stomach, a nice back, and decent legs. That’s enough for me to have sex with. I’m pretty sure, in real life, I’ve slept with someone based on their lower torso. Of all the body parts, I think I have the most visceral reaction to a nice ass and flat stomach. It literally makes my mouth water. That said, in this scenario, I’m assuming that lower torso is attached to something truly horrifying but when you play Fuck/marry/kill, those are the stakes.
F/M/k:Annoying 90′s singer: Liz Phar, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Loeb.
Marry: Lisa Loeb
I think it’s in the DNA of most men to weirdly be attracted to girls that look like Lisa Loeb. Brown hair, dorky glasses, cute face. It’s pretty much the blueprint for hot hipster girls minus the stupid tattoos. It’s a surprisingly wife-able combo.
Also, she was never an angry type. She was more whiny. While that could pose a problem, I’m way more suited for eye rolling than I am for arguing so I’ll take whiny over angry any day.
Fuck: Liz Phair
I remember the first time I saw what Liz Phair looked like I was shocked. I had only heard her music and assumed she looked like Melissa Ethridge’s butthole. But no, she was actually a very normal looking, average white girl who could certainly be described as “pretty”. She’s a type of pretty that is very real. She’s a girl you’d see at a bar and gladly make out with with hopes of taking her home. She’s very safe in that way. In a way, she’s everyman’s “fuck”. A title, i’m sure ,she would vomit blood upon hearing.
Kill: Sheryl Crow
Sheryl Crow has continually been popping up on “Sexiest women” charts for over a decade now, much to the dismay of my brain and penis. She’s certainly not an ugly woman. She’s kind a pretty. Big teeth, strong jaw line. Shave her head and she’s be perfect in that Hillary swank movie about the girl who pretended to be a boy.
I don’t know…she’s just not sexy to me at all. Maybe it’s her hippie undertones that make me feel like she probably smells weird or it’s the fact that she’s looked like a really well preserved 45 year old since she was in her 20’s. Either way, somebodies gotta die tonight…
F/m/K: grape soda, orange soda, ginger ale
Marry: Ginger Ale
I’m not a huge soda guy. Maybe it’s cause I’m an adult and there are always other options. Who knows? However, Ginger Ale is 100% my go-to soda. Did you know there are parts down south where they don’t typically carry ginger ale? What the fuck is that about? I once had someone make me ginger all out of random shit they had at the bar. Like pepsi and bitters. It almost tasted right but not quite. Regardless, I’d marry the fuck out of Ginger ale.
Kill: Orange Soda
What kind of ingrate drinks orange soda past the age of 13? In a world of fake tasting beverages, orange soda is king. It tastes as much like oranges as tofu tastes like steak. Let’s be honest, in terms of sweet things, orange is the perennial loser. It’s the last starburst you eat. It’s gross on cakes. You’d rather eat a loaf of vomit than get those weird orange rind candies. They don’t even make pies out of it. Oranges are good for three things: Juice, Orangina and as a stand alone fruit. MAYBE sorbet. But otherwise? GTFOH orange soda.
Fuck: Grape Soda
I know you’re thinking that everything I just wrote about oranges could be applied to grapes. Well, you’re kinda right. Except grapes make wine. I don’t even like wine but I’m sure some of you do so hopefully that’ll make this choice easier to swallow for you. I chose to fuck grape soda for one reason: Every now and then, I get a hankering for a grape soda. I don’t know why. It’s something that happens maybe once every 2 years but when it hits? shit. I NEED that fake ass grape taste in my mouth immediately. It’s like a pregnant woman’s craving. So, that alone wins it for me.